Low attention span reviews and ratings [Open]

GreenStudio

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No, no, no :blob_facepalm:

I still wanted your heels and whip validation miss Makimaam.

There's a different excitement from it
How did you change the title under your name and pfp?
Chapter 1

Hard to believe some lowlife facing a supposed “demon” would yap so much instead of begging for his life.

The opening chapter is bogged down with too much dialogue from uninteresting characters. It dragged my attention away and made me wonder when the hell this boring exchange was going to end, as it hammered the fact that Akuma is demon skin blah blah over and over again.

I do like a bit of personality shown through the prose. I don’t like the choice of perspective. It is limited third person-ish, which more often than not slips into an omniscient perspective when we are not completely in Akuma’s head but are instead forced to dangle between characters that may or may not be relevant. Who cares what a one note thug thinks, especially when you wrote paragraph-length dialogue for him?

In this kind of work, immersion would help the reader relate to Akuma more and follow his journey. Right now, we are just reading a story about a distant, sometimes edgy MC, not actually with him.

The ending was not a hook. The chapter spent too long with Akuma dealing with a silly villain. Sure, it did establish his power, his motivation, his alienation. But it fails to give me a reason to click next. A tormented, misunderstood hero is not a new concept. We are not deep in Akuma’s mind enough to root for him next either.
I wanna say thanks for taking the time to read my story.
 
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Makimaam

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How did you change the title under your name and pfp?

This is an interesting perspective.

First, I wanna say thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Second, I completely understand your take on the dialogue. However, the boring banter between the background characters is kinda the point. The build-up towards Akuma clapping to stop their pointless talking only works because they're well... pointless. I imagine that if he did that after they only said a few words, it'd just be dramatic just for the sake of it, no?

Third, I appreciate the compliment on the prose. As for the reader not being with Akuma, that was intentional. In the later chapters, you gradually realize that Akuma doesn't understand human emotions and files them off as mechanical processes. In fact, he sees everything as just a process and is distant with everything. He's not even able to understand his own emotions.

Naturally, his walls begin to crumble as his journey continues.

Fourth...

I have to agree with you on this one. Akuma is by no means anything "unique" or different on paper. My goal was to show how even a seemingly ordinary boy can be alienated just because of one thing. And like I said before, you're not supposed to be in his mind this early, because he himself isn't even in it.

So, if after establishing those things, you don't feel the need to click next, I completely understand.

To clarify, this is all respect. I am eternally grateful to anyone who shares their opinion. I will use this to better my work.

Forgot to mention this part but he's not exactly a "lowlife." In the later chapters, you find out why the criminals in that part of the town are so deranged.
I don’t usually engage in back and forth debate about a story I review. But what I’d like to tell you is that all of your responses to my feedback come from an author’s perspective, someone who already has an idea of where the story goes and what the character is. The dialogue was not only long but also cringe and expository.

Would you expect a new potential reader to take their time coming up with what-ifs to defend something that already feels jarring to read?

Your synopsis is your sales pitch. Your opening chapter is your sales pitch. If you drag your readers through boring content before telling them why they should read your story, you won’t be able to sell your product, no matter how good the actual quality is.
 

GreenStudio

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I don’t usually engage in back and forth debate about a story I review. But what I’d like to tell you is that all of your responses to my feedback come from an author’s perspective, someone who already has an idea of where the story goes and what the character is. The dialogue was not only long but also cringe and expository.

Would you expect a new potential reader to take their time coming up with what-ifs to defend something that already feels jarring to read?

Your synopsis is your sales pitch. Your opening chapter is your sales pitch. If you drag your readers through boring content before telling them why they should read your story, you won’t be able to sell your product, no matter how good the actual quality is.
I see your point. I'll definitely look it over once again and see what I can do.

And sorry if it came off as debating, I really was just curious.
 

Lufli

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Hey. Do you also take single-chapter excerpts, since I haven't published any story yet?
 

Lysander_Works

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This is a quick one.

Boy walks in the snow.
Boy hears drums and drunken shouts.
Boy compares them to echoes from another world.
Please tell me he’s delulu. It would make more sense to me.



If you told me a noble said this, I wouldn’t blink twice. But coming from a drunken, bearded man? Please. He’s more eloquent than I am.

I have a serious issue with your prose. You aimed for moody but settled on melodrama, and, when strung together, the sentences make no sense, incongruent, overwrought.

Dropped.
This shocks me a little. Your book actually looks like it's above-average written to me. Doesn't make sense for someone to rate it badly for not being simple enough.
Might give my own rating in the late future.
 

Makimaam

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If it's still open and if you have time, would appreciate if ya check out my first chapter! Though, i don't really have high hopes since my main genre is SOL. Be as harsh as ya want

My Wife Gifted Me An SSS-Rank Farming Talent | Scribble Hub
This story is, well, average. A little plain, not that it pretends to be anything more than that.

Let’s start with what I liked: in my personal opinion, Lloyd is likeable and easy to root for. He’s a simple guy who wants love and seems like a great brother, making sacrifices for his sister. You spend more than half a chapter showing that through his interaction with his sister, and it works. The prose is straightforward but flows well, though I don’t see much personality coming through. Still, it’s not a deal-breaker.

Now, the negatives. The story starts off strong. It’s a romance with smut, and that’s the hook. Signalling the love interest early supports that premise. However, towards the end, after the exchange with the sister, it becomes bogged down with too many mundane details, dragging pacing, which had my eyes skimming. Yes, it establishes his hardship and poverty, but it goes on for quite a while. That said, this is me being nitpicky. I think most readers won’t mind it.

Overall, my impression is that it delivers what it promises: a simple premise and a cosy romance. It will likely find its audience with that appeal.
 

Lufli

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Well, I don't really have a synopsis yet, so I'll just drop my first chapter here. Many thanks for considering my request.
One thing I'm specifically looking for, if you even read to that point, is whether the 'name' of the protagonist in the second half comes off as edgy.


The young man drove his shovel into the earth until he sank below the surface. The hole was darker than the night above, but no less biting.

He bit his lower lip as he dug. If this is just another one of Father's schemes... No. This is my only chance. I have to get out of here.

The shovel clinked instead of slicing smoothly through the soil. His face lit up instantly, only to fall again a moment later. He crouched down carefully, brushing the dirt away with the flat of his hand... until something glowed.

The light was muted, like twilight, yet it flared against his hand, hot as fire. The young man began clawing around his discovery with his bare fingers. Even as his nails threatened to tear off, he didn't stop.

Finally, it was free of dirt. He cradled it in his open palm, cupping it with the other as if it might spill. When he instinctively sniffed it, the stench reminded him of dark urine.

That thought shattered as he flinched. First, his ears twitched, then his head jerked. He was certain he could hear many tiny voices down in the hole.

"Put me down, you scoundrel!" There it was again, louder now. "Are you deaf? You—yes, you. I'm talking to you," it said.

He swallowed hard and fixed his gaze back on his prize. A tooth, inhumanly large, was attached to a chain that gleamed silver through the grime. At last, the light faded.

He stared at the tooth, jaw slack... until it reared up and launched itself at him, tip first. It was as if it had been fired from a catapult. Before the young man could even recoil, the tooth bounced off his nose and plopped back into the mud.

"Deserved," the voice hissed.

The young man clutched his nose for a moment, watching the tooth hop away from him. Finally, he stood up.

"Hey, listen to me," he said, watching the tooth struggle to jump out of the hole. "You can't get out of here, can you? It would be wiser to cooperate, dear Tooth."

It almost looked as though the tooth turned around slowly. "'Dear Tooth'... decades in the dirt, and the best thing to happen to me is you."

So that's how it is? The young man dropped into a cross-legged position. Even though his nose still throbbed and the tooth kept ranting, his hands moved with calm precision.

He rummaged through his brown canvas bag until metal clinked. He pulled out a tankard, then a bottle of red wine. The glugging of the wine almost drowned out the tooth's bickering.

"The fact is, oh almighty Tooth," he interrupted the tirade, filling the mug halfway, "that without me, you'll rot down here for decades more."

Before the tooth could fly into another rage, the young man held the mug out to it. "But it's also a fact that I can't leave this place without you."

The tooth began to glow again, albeit dimmer, and said, "Ohohoho, you understand me, boy. Maybe you aren't quite as hollow as the rest of your kind." It leapt into the mug. A few drops splattered onto the young man's face, but he didn't blink. The mingled stench of urine and wine pierced his nose.

As the contents of the mug slowly vanished, the tooth asked, "What is your name, child?" The wine reflected its subdued blue radiance.

"That's the little problem," the young man said with a sly smile. "I don't know it..."

A deafening silence followed. The wine stopped rippling, almost as if the tooth had fainted.

"Forget it—" the tooth began, before being cut off.

"How about a bath, Your Highness?" The young man rubbed his hands together.

"What have I done?" the tooth muttered to itself.

*** The young man crept along the walls of the orphanage. In his hand, the chain holding the tooth clinked with every step.

"You can forget about a pact. Let me go right now!"

"The well is just ahead, keep quiet," the young man whispered.

The well stood a little way off from the door leading into the orphanage. As they passed the door and reached the well, the tooth fell silent. The young man could finally hear his own thoughts again.

The young man lowered the wooden bucket until it splashed into the water. Then he cranked it back up and knelt beside the well. He set the bucket on the ground and scrubbed the tooth inside it with his bare hands.

As the tooth let out contented groans, the young man asked, "What should I call you, Your Highness? 'Tooth' seems a bit uninspired..."

"Go to hell. You won't win me over with— ohhh..."

"Trust me, there's no one better around here than me," the young man said, the tooth shivering between his hands with every scrub. "Nobody here has a name."

Gleaming in the moonlight, the tooth slipped free from his gripping hands and balanced on the rim of the bucket.

For a while, the two just stared at each other.

"You're lying. There has to be someone in charge here," the tooth said.

The young man didn't react.

"Look, I'd love to help you, but I can't enter into a pact like that."

The young man lifted his hands from the bucket. Water dripped from his fingers.

"You're right," he said. "Father knows his own name. But he won't bathe you. He'll break you down to nothing, until your will is no stronger than a dog's."

"And our alliance would be any different? Don't be ridiculous, boy."

Unhurriedly, the young man let himself fall backward onto the ground. He reached his hand up toward the stars, splaying his fingers. "Father always finds what he's looking for."

After a beat of silence, he added, "What I'm trying to say is: it's me or Father. There's no in-between."

"Wait. What is that on your hand—"

A strange voice interrupted the tooth. "Who are you talking to?"

The tooth instantly dropped lifelessly into the bucket.

The yellow light from the stranger's lantern was weak. Still, it illuminated a childlike face with large ears.

"Or have you finally lost your mind, Prince?"

Prince's brows twitched for a fraction of a second. "Is that any of your business, Puppy?"

"I see," Puppy said. "I see. Your clothes are dirty. Even though Father forbade us to dig. I see... Don't worry, I won't say a word..."

He turned around, his expression unreadable, and the lantern bobbed away.

Prince bolted upright, his jaw clenching. He snatched the tooth just as it hopped back onto the rim of the bucket.

"Hey, Tooth. You have to decide right now!"

"He's not just going to wake Father," Prince hissed, gripping the cold artifact tight. "He's going to destroy you."

But the tooth remained silent. The enamel merely vibrated slightly in Prince's palm. The young man's expression crumbled.

Water dripped away. Deep lines carved into his face as the darkness threatened to swallow Puppy whole.

"Puppy, wait!" Prince called out into the blackness. "Do you really think you'll escape Father's reach by doing this? Father is no generous god. If you let me go, believe me—I'll come back and free you all!"

Prince held his breath. The shadows seemed to deepen the longer he stared into them. Finally, a figure detached itself from the gloom. Puppy stepped back into the faint starlight.

"You're forgetting something, Princess," he said. "Generous gods don't exist."

Before Puppy even finished speaking, a second silhouette emerged behind him. The crushing weight Prince thought he had just shed returned with such force that it drove the breath from his lungs.

Father.

Prince spun around instantly. But he was denied more than a single step. The air itself seemed to turn into shackles. One leg hung suspended in mid-air, one arm outstretched toward the edge of the woods.

His face froze. It didn't change, even as the slow, rhythmic crunching of Father's boots against the ground began. Every footfall could have been his last.

The air around Prince froze so intensely that it settled as mist. Yet, at the exact moment Father's footsteps ceased, a sudden heat flared at the nape of Prince's neck. It spiked rapidly.

A shrill voice tore the silence in two. "You owe me!"

The tooth burst from Prince's petrified fist. It hovered exactly in front of Father's hand, which missed Prince by mere millimeters.

Father's eye twitched for a fraction of a second. His free hand sliced through the air, tearing it apart. A dark strike violently lashed forward.

But the tooth detonated. A blinding light shot out in all directions, casting razor-sharp shadows from everything. The shockwave bent the tree trunks backward, Father's coat whipped wildly, but the giant himself didn't yield an inch.

Then, it inverted. The tooth devoured its own eruption. What had been a shockwave turned into a violent inward vacuum. All the cast shadows rose into the wind. They condensed back to their source and swallowed the light.

Absolute darkness collapsed over Prince and the tooth. The black void plunged into the ground like ink and vanished without a trace. No one was left behind.

The air grew even colder. Puppy trembled, his eyelashes crackling as they froze into ice crystals.

Father's breath condensed instantly. It was almost a sigh. Calmly, he turned around and walked back toward the door.

Puppy flinched as the giant raised a hand. But it landed softly on his head, stroking his hair.

"My seedling has sprouted," he said.

When Puppy looked up, the giant was smiling.
 

Makimaam

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Here. Thank you!
Here. Thank you!


The synopsis is actually quite interesting, you know. Then you graced me with this:

Silence.

Then—

“You freed the Demon King.”

I laughed.

He didn’t.

“Sam, come on.”

“He had horns.”

“So do goats.”

“He made HOLY ENERGY react.”

“Some people are just intense.”

“He was in a demon-sealing dungeon.”

“Unfortunate coincidence.”

Sam stared at me.

Long.

Deep.

Tired.
I sighed—
a long,
deep,
tired sigh.

I wanted to rate it out of spite, but I shall uphold my principle.

Reading comprehension though: negative infinity.
 

c37

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Can i come for round 2? I changed quite a few things so if you are okay with it I'll leave my revamped novel.
 

ChickenIsTheBest

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This story is, well, average. A little plain, not that it pretends to be anything more than that.

Let’s start with what I liked: in my personal opinion, Lloyd is likeable and easy to root for. He’s a simple guy who wants love and seems like a great brother, making sacrifices for his sister. You spend more than half a chapter showing that through his interaction with his sister, and it works. The prose is straightforward but flows well, though I don’t see much personality coming through. Still, it’s not a deal-breaker.

Now, the negatives. The story starts off strong. It’s a romance with smut, and that’s the hook. Signalling the love interest early supports that premise. However, towards the end, after the exchange with the sister, it becomes bogged down with too many mundane details, dragging pacing, which had my eyes skimming. Yes, it establishes his hardship and poverty, but it goes on for quite a while. That said, this is me being nitpicky. I think most readers won’t mind it.

Overall, my impression is that it delivers what it promises: a simple premise and a cosy romance. It will likely find its audience with that appeal.
Thank you for replying! The negatives were exactly what I was expecting lol. For some reason, i was expecting to get crucified, glad i didn't.
Prose has been one of things i've been wanting to work on. But i feel like one can only improve prose through just writing more, so hopefully, i'll find my own style as time passes and when I finally get time to start binge-reading more novels.
 

DJJMizzi

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There is no strict format for my feedback, but here is my general approach:
  1. I read your synopsis, then I read Chapter 1 until I stop. That could be the first paragraph, or it could be the entire chapter. If it interests me, due to personal preference, I will continue to the next chapters.
  2. I will tell you why I stopped if I think it might be constructive for you. When I don’t, it is usually along the lines of: I think you have a lot to work on and I am not qualified or patient enough to be your writing coach, or I don’t want to read generic, worldly, unedited AI-assisted content. I won’t use an AI checker, not that they are reliable anyway, so I will not accuse anyone of using it. I simply don’t want to continue reading.
  3. If I make it to the end of the first chapter with my low attention span, which is difficult, I will give you a 5-star rating. Even if a piece doesn’t grab me til the end, I’ll give it 5 stars if I think it’s outstanding. I don’t rate anything lower than 5 stars.
  4. If I really, really enjoy the work, I will give a constructive (or try to) review, and it can include criticism. But for me to write an essay about it, I have to like it first.


About me:

I am not going to brag about what qualifies me as a feedback giver. I will outright tell you that my feedback is subjective, personal, and it does not necessarily mean you are a bad writer if I stopped reading. It simply means the work did not interest me.
If this is still open, I'd love it if you gave mine a go. I'm not sure it will pick up quick enough to grab your attention - but I guess we'll see:

 

Makimaam

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Thank you for replying! The negatives were exactly what I was expecting lol. For some reason, i was expecting to get crucified, glad i didn't.
Prose has been one of things i've been wanting to work on. But i feel like one can only improve prose through just writing more, so hopefully, i'll find my own style as time passes and when I finally get time to start binge-reading more novels.
Maybe I’m a little biased because I agree with you: Chicken is the best.

That said, I didn’t critique any works simply for the sake of critiquing. Your story works the way you envision it, and I don’t think any more criticism would help you. It might just make you lose focus on your goal with the story.

Voice is a tricky thing and develops over time. It is notoriously difficult to have a voice that can be recognized by readers.
 
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