Long explannations vs Fragmented sentences Need help

[FrenzyWanderer]

As a new Author I struggle a lot with balancing these 2, I have written a novel in SH https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...up-dont-ask-about-my-sisters-opinion-on-this/

But I got 2-3 feedbacks saying too little detail and hard to follow. And my writing style tend to deviate into those japanese LN style, if unintended.

I rarely tend to include long paragraphs, even when using them I use them only to immerse the reader at the beginning and not anywhere else.

“What happened?”

World came into my visual field. First thing I noticed is the damaged Caravan. I pinched myself to see whether it was a dream, Apparently it was not. My hands and legs were smaller that it used to be

Wait…

Then bodies—Dead bodies, lying around the caravan. Servants and maids

Gasp!

The imagery forced a step back

“What the hell?”

I looked around,

Trees! Trees! TREES!

I’m in the middle of nowhere

Like this one, a quotation from my novel ch03

Is this kind of prose viable?

Can you give my novel a shot and highlight whether this type of writing OK, because some liked it and some absolutely despised it

Since I have no proper experience or much skill, I struggle in these kind of conflicting feedback

Also can anyone please tell me whether I messed up opening 2 chapters (your opinion)
And compare it into ch 03, 04, 05

The novel until now is around 4,000 words

And also highlight any other prose related issues (there are few problems in ch01 and 02 some lack fullstops, because when copying from my draft I copied it section by section, so my cursor had missed them in some places, I couldn't find the way to edit published chapters and the error is fixed in ch03 onwards)


Thank you in advance

Sorry for any inconvenience caused, just started writing 1-2 yrs ago and this is the first thing I published

 

[greyblob]

did you read the links i referred to you?

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

did you read the links i referred to you?

Yeah

 

[Zagaroth]

Your sample reads a lot like a script for a play or movie. The reason that scripts can be so sparse is that it is the job of the actors to round out and bring the characters to life, while it is the job of the director and stage hands and such to bring the setting around the actor to life.

Writing this way may work inside your head, but that's because you already have all that secondary information in your head.

Reading your sample creates a series of first movement, a still image, then a brief bit of movement, then the scene freezes again. There is no fluidity between the lines, nothing carries through, no ongoing sense of motion and very little continuity. This is what makes it jarring.

Yes, this is the style that light novels are written in, but this is exactly why a lot of people do not like LNs. I only read them when I am impatient about an ongoing anime/manga and I want to know more of the story. That way I can carry the visuals and characterizations I already have from there into the light novel, and mentally fill the gaps that the LN author leaves.

You do have relatively dense information for the amount you have written, but you achieved this by stripping away that which makes a world vibrant, rich, and immersive.

 

[Eldoria]

Try writing from a limited third POV. LN style generally focuses on the first POV.

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

Your sample reads a lot like a script for a play or movie. The reason that scripts can be so sparse is that it is the job of the actors to round out and bring the characters to life, while it is the job of the director and stage hands and such to bring the setting around the actor to life.

Writing this way may work inside your head, but that's because you already have all that secondary information in your head.

Reading your sample creates a series of first movement, a still image, then a brief bit of movement, then the scene freezes again. There is no fluidity between the lines, nothing carries through, no ongoing sense of motion and very little continuity. This is what makes it jarring.

Yes, this is the style that light novels are written in, but this is exactly why a lot of people do not like LNs. I only read them when I am impatient about an ongoing anime/manga and I want to know more of the story. That way I can carry the visuals and characterizations I already have from there into the light novel, and mentally fill the gaps that the LN author leaves.

You do have relatively dense information for the amount you have written, but you achieved this by stripping away that which makes a world vibrant, rich, and immersive.

Yeah the problem is that I assumed LN like style was a 'Style of writing' not a 'bad style of writing'

I've reading lot of LNs recently and I like reading LNs that's probably why my style had gone like this

I mean does those kind of sentences belong only in action scenes or high stakes scenes?
Or not even suitable for those?

Basically what you have to do in a scene is

(1) A bit of a long paragraph to ground the reader in the location and in the scene

(2) Slow build up, longer sentences and build up

(3) If high stakes action / comedy scene present switched to usual writing style, short sentences etc. Fragmented writing etc.

(4) Follow up with long paragraphs


I'll write Chapter 06 considering your advices and can you just read and react to chapter 06 only, (not about the story but about the prose)

I mean I'm not a writer by profession, I started this as a hobby. These are the only places that I can get actual feedback to improve my writing

So please can you review the prose? Would be a great help

Thank you

Chapter 06 will be uploaded by Saturday or Sunday
@Eldoria @Zagaroth @greyblob

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Yeah the problem is that I assumed LN like style was a 'Style of writing' not a 'bad style of writing'

I've reading lot of LNs recently and I like reading LNs that's probably why my style had gone like this

I mean does those kind of sentences belong only in action scenes or high stakes scenes?
Or not even suitable for those?

Basically what you have to do in a scene is

(1) A bit of a long paragraph to ground the reader in the location and in the scene

(2) Slow build up, longer sentences and build up

(3) If high stakes action / comedy scene present switched to usual writing style, short sentences etc. Fragmented writing etc.

(4) Follow up with long paragraphs


I'll write Chapter 06 considering your advices and can you just read and react to chapter 06 only, (not about the story but about the prose)

I mean I'm not a writer by profession, I started this as a hobby. These are the only places that I can get actual feedback to improve my writing

So please can you review the prose? Would be a great help

Thank you

Chapter 06 will be uploaded by Saturday or Sunday
@Eldoria @Zagaroth @greyblob

That style is an artifact of the translation more than a style choice as far as I can tell - it is the natural way for Japanese writing to flow, but it doesn't always feel "right" to native English readers.

 

[Tsuru]

Time for Tsuru to pull the sign for the Nth time (ppfft i love spamming it) :

-go read more (best advice for any writer)
to be a good writer, you need to be a good reader, so to get better, go read (just like best indie devs are gamers first, and dev second)

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

Time for Tsuru to pull the sign for the Nth time (ppfft i love spamming it) :

-go read more (best advice for any writer)
to be a good writer, you need to be a good reader, so to get better, go read (just like best indie devs are gamers first, and dev second)

Actually the problem was I was reading a lot of LNs recently and grown used to it

I have read english novels mostly during childhood, but recently, all the novels I have read since then are LNs

Now I kinda feel reading long paragraphs boring.

Now If I go on writing with the flow writing becomes like this

But I still can manage to write long paragraphs but only when writing 'conciously with effort'

I didn't feel much of a problem with LN kind of writing l, may be because I'm not a native english speaker or may be because of the scene already being in my head

 

[FRWriter]

Actually the problem was I was reading a lot of LNs recently and grown used to it

I have read english novels mostly during childhood, but recently, all the novels I have read since then are LNs

Now I kinda feel reading long paragraphs boring.

Now If I go on writing with the flow writing becomes like this

But I still can manage to write long paragraphs but only when writing 'conciously with effort'

I didn't feel much of a problem with LN kind of writing l, may be because I'm not a native english speaker or maybe because of the scene already being in my head

I think the LN style is not the main problem.

You need to work on grammar... badly. Your sentence structure is not only awkward, but outright wrong... at least in some cases. A tool like Grammarly would work wonders.

I also think your language comprehension isn't quite there, as some of your sentences make no sense at all.

Read, read, read, write, write, write. You'll get there. Even though it's uncommon your LN style is not a problem at all. Some people like it and I'd say a majority at least accepts it, if done well.

 

[JessicaDrew]

I had to google what LN was...

As a stylistic choice I don't think it's a problem, if that's the way you want to go. You're the artist. From your excerpt, my mind happily filled in the blanks and I could visualise your scene so...

But I can totally understand there will be people who won't get on with it, and you will not be able to convince or please those people.