As always, this review starts when I click on your link.
First impressions,
the title of your story gives off the impression of a classic power fantasy with a healthy helping of drama. After reading the title, I expect your protagonist to be dripping arrogance as he beats the odds with his trusty set of plot armor and godly powers.
The cover certainly fits the title. It looks a little trashy and I bet a few designers died choking on their own spit after seeing your title on the cover. But it's unpretentious and that's a good thing. The way the devilish black-haired fellow, presumable your protagonist, toys with 'fate' is clever, granted. It has the potential to be a great cover if you bothered to properly integrate the text. Right now, it looks lazy.
Reading the
blurb, I cannot help but chuckle at your protagonist's name. I am curious how the name will be treated. That aside, your first sentence, it is, a little, well, disjointed. If we remove the interjections:
Lucifer Nightwalker von Nightmare, [...], after the disappearance of his parents, he was trapped for 6 years at one of the islands inside the Bermuda Triangle [...].
I'd do something along the lines of:
After the disappearance of his parents, Lucifer Nightwalker von Nightmare, a 16-year-old human boy, was trapped for 6 years on one of the islands inside the Bermuda Triangle between Hinomoto Oyashima (日の本大八洲), Silesia Republic, and Central Imperial Island.
Next part,
He was forced to enroll into Imperial Knights Academy as a special student and live a normal life until he graduates to pay his impossible 120 billion debt back to Principal, a friend of his parents whom he saved 6 years ago.
You enroll
in an academy.
And are you sure about the "whom he saved" bit? (Hindsight.) Our protagonist saved a man's life and now he has to pay him 120 billion? That's certainly interesting. In fact, it is curious enough to
warrant more than six words of explanation. As things stand, I wonder if you meant to write "by whom he was saved". In general, that sentence is quite long and convoluted. Why not make it three or four sentences instead?
For example:
His life was saved by an old friend of his parents, the principal of the Imperial Knights Academy. To pay back the 120 billion debt he now owed, Lucifer was forced to enroll. As a special student, he must now live a normal life at the academy until he graduates.
Hindsight:
He saved the life of an old friend of his parents, 'Principal'. Left 120 billion in debt, Lucifer was forced to enroll in the Imperial Knights Academy as a special student. Until he graduates, he must live a normal live at the academy.
And then there's his sister. Your blurb certainly is curious.
Your tags, genres, and content warnings are perfectly fine. No surprises.
Looking at your
table of contents, all's well.
Let's move on to the
first chapter. Mate, you need a grammar checker.
In the first day of Year XX93, 7am, my phone rang.
On the first day.
It's only been a few paragraphs and we are already time-traveling:
I ended the call before his enthusiastic voice could drag me further into his long-winded ramble. With a sigh, I glanced out my window at the gray morning light creeping through the blinds. Another year, another endless cycle. How long do I have left here? Is this it? Is this my life from now on? Locked in this isolated world with people I’m not even sure I like anymore.
You can either turn this into a thought or use 'did', 'was', and 'liked'.
I.e.,
I ended the call before his enthusiastic voice could drag me further into his long-winded ramble. With a sigh, I glanced out my window at the gray morning light creeping through the blinds:
'Another year, another endless cycle.
'How long do I have left here? Is this it? Is this my life from now on, locked in this isolated world with people I’m not even sure I like anymore?
This is a recurring issue. Perhaps
look into English tenses.
Just when my eyelids were half-shut and before I could return back to sleep, Principal returned another call.
Usually, to return a call someone has to call you first. Since our protagonist did not call 'Principal', 'Principal' cannot make any return calls.
Just when my eyelids were half-shut and before I could return back to sleep, I received another call from Principal.
Additionally, your dialogues would profit from some proper punctuation:
Dialogue Tag Punctuation Rules
I did like the map. It's helpful and a nice touch.
He’s someone who I saved 6 years ago, and in return, he saved us.
Well, that explains things.
In a perfectly timed moment of disaster, Herman, probably too riled up, took a step forward and landed right on one of my landmines.
The explosion launched him across the yard like a cannonball, and he skidded across the ground, his face plowing through the dirt.
That
was funny.
However, I feel this might be one of those novels where I should turn my brain off if I want to enjoy it. Or, perhaps, I am a handful of decades too old for this.
Chapter 2: Onwards.
Accepted students must stay at the hostels provided by Central Imperial Island for three years and are not allowed to return to their hometown, even on holidays.
Three years? Didn't he say one year just last chapter?
If I left— I wouldn’t be able to see them for an entire year.
Let's see if that one gets explained later.
If not, I was crushed by the turbulent storms of the Bermuda Triangle and drowned to death. There probably will be a huge amount of sum banked into your account if this happens.
If not, I was overwhelmed by the turbulent storms of the Bermuda Triangle and drowned. If this happens, a substantial sum will likely be deposited into your account.
Bare minimum edit suggestion above, but you could absolutely make that sentence even prettier.
You knew, that’s why you kidnapped me and put me under house arrest for 6 months.
Wow. This novel is wild.
Please, don’t attempt to teleport all the way to Central Imperial Island. We will be in big trouble if you did. And besides, you will be joining in the next year.
Please, don’t attempt to teleport all the way to Central Imperial Island. We will be in big trouble if you did. And besides, you will be joining me next year.
With those words like a punchline, I jumped from the Type X-587.
And the last words I heard from Herman were…
“……YOU FORGOT YOUR PARACHUTE—!”
…Ah, crap. I really did. Well, no matter— I would just have to sacrifice my shoes.
Well, that one deserves a chuckle. Your comedy may not be too deep, but it certainly works. I'd count it among your strengths: writing light-hearted content to enjoy after a busy day of work and worries.
Chapter 3: I'll stop nitpicking on grammar hereafter, but this chapter, too, could use a grammar check, proofreader, or an editor. Even word 2013 might help.
Thankfully, I’m wise and all forgiving. Be it anyone else, your head wouldn’t be staying on your neck.
What a charmer..! The comedy tag is well-deserved on this one.
Chapter 4:
“No, don’t. Just listen to me.” Principal said in a pleading tone. “Something happened in the academy lately and things were slightly complexed, that’s why I need you. If you happen to come across with a girl in a white blazer uniform, promise me you would survive, okay?”
I'm guessing this is our romance target? Wild.
Chapter 5:
Well, we left light-hearted comedy territory and are heading straight for the bats' pit. And yet this may very well be my favorite chapter yet.
Yet—
She didn’t flinch.
She didn’t run.
She stalked.
With every step, the spear left a thin white scar in the frost, like it was carving the moment into the earth itself. Petals from the pink tree drifted down around her, soft and silent, as if mocking the terror building in the clearing.
“N-No, p-please… no……” The boy pleaded the girl.
However, the girl ignored the pleas and raised the spear in her hand—
—and stabs it at his abdomen.
“ARGHHHHH—!!?” The boy screamed.
It wasn’t a battle cry. It wasn’t rage.
She's a kitten, ain't she?
Chapter 6:
I can't very well end my review on a cliff, can I? So I thought I'd read another chapter. Unfortunately, you drop me right from decent action into an infodump. All that carefully built tension from the last chapter wasted, gone in an instant. I'm out.
All in all, you can clearly write decent fight scenes as well as light-hearted comedy. You put some effort into your world-building, and the map and visuals were a nice touch. You do not lack creativity.
But you do lack an editor. Be it fixing the grammar or developmental edits, your story could profit immensely from someone who knows the craft. Consider your readers' emotions. If you want to build a rollercoaster, make sure your unlucky fairgoers cannot stumble off during the ride.
To conclude, the story has a lot of potential. Fix your blurb and touch up the cover to attract a few more readers, then make sure you do not lose them by fixing up the grammar. Thereafter, fame and wealth await.
)
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