I'm on a once in a while, criticism spree

Wenlock · Sep 7, 2025

Hey. This is my first book ever and I would really appreciate a feedback. The book is in my signature.

LuciferVermillion · Sep 7, 2025

Wenlock said:
Hey. This is my first book ever and I would really appreciate a feedback. The book is in my signature.

Oh, another first timer.

Hmm... your synopsis has a very strong atmospheric tone, a clear mythic/fantastical foundation, and a sense of cosmic stakes, which is great. You’re clearly aiming for something philosophical, intense, and dark, potentially in the dark fantasy, wuxia/xianxia, or mythological horror genres.

However, lots could be improved, such as:
1. Clarity and Flow

The sentences are often overwritten, with unusual or ambiguous phrasing that clouds your meaning.

Example:
“These few words successfully create a medley of incongruous fear.”
This is vague and abstract. What “few words”? Why “incongruous”? It’s more poetic than functional.

Suggestion: Prioritize clarity over abstraction in a synopsis. Save poetic language for your actual prose.

2. Plot Structure Is Hazy

Who is the protagonist now? Zhang Xiyu is mentioned, but then it's about escaped prisoners and a jungle war. Does he lead this war? Is he the Blue Lotus? Is he the antagonist or anti-hero?

Example:
“The Blue Lotus must bloom again - the will of hell now wishes for its new king.”
Cool image—but what does it mean practically? Is the Blue Lotus a person, symbol, prophecy?

Suggestion: Anchor your synopsis in a clear narrative structure:

Who is the main character?
What is their goal?
What is the central conflict or choice?
What are the stakes?

3. Grammatical / Stylistic Issues
Several lines could use rewording for grammar or idiomatic correctness.

“Powerless, the living stay blissfully ignorant of a whole new world above their head.”
→ Should be “above their heads” or “beyond their world.”

“Once betrayed by the ruler when he was alive, twice betrayed by the ruler when he was dead.”
→ Good rhythm, but “the ruler” is vague. Which ruler?

Suggestion: Proofread for sentence flow, parallel structure, and article usage.

Now, moving on to your first chapter-- erm, what? Who the heck is Ava?
It's so long!?
You are flooding me with this colossal chapter.

Nevertheless, since you separate them into several sections using --------------------------------------------------------------------, I will be breaking it down to three parts.

1. Opening Shock vs. Emotional Weight

"I never needed you, you bastard!"
Ava murdering her husband is a huge, dramatic moment—but it happens in the first paragraph with no build-up. That undercuts its potential emotional impact.

Suggestions:

Consider giving more internal monologue before the act—something to prime her rage, disorientation, or internal justification.
Let the murder feel like a climax of mental collapse, not just an opening beat.

2. Pacing and Transitions
The jumps between reality, hell, and flashback are at times jarring or confusing.

The fog transition is effective, but the movement between hallucination, memory, and flashback could use clearer signposting.
The flashbacks dominate the middle section and slow down the narrative momentum established in the hellish setting.

Suggestions:

Use clearer breaks (scene dividers or formatting) when shifting timelines.
Consider interweaving flashbacks with present scenes to keep tension high rather than lumping them in one long block.

3. Inconsistent Tone and Diction
Your prose fluctuates between lyrical, elevated horror and casual, almost flat modern writing.

“The cheap bed frame creaked with every thrust…”
“She believed that was her ‘true spirit calling.’”

These lines feel too literal or modern in tone compared to the supernatural horror framework. They risk trivializing Ava’s character arc.

Suggestions:

Decide on a consistent voice. If this is psychological horror or mythic tragedy, tighten the prose around Ava’s delusion, bitterness, and desperation using evocative, focused language.
Use Ava’s unreliable mental state to enrich the narration—let her view of herself and others distort the text.

4. Ava’s Characterization Needs Sharpening
Ava is clearly meant to be flawed and possibly unhinged, but at times her motivations feel rushed or under-explained.

"I don’t need him. I need something better."
She goes from loneliness to adultery to supernatural pact without internal friction.

Suggestions:

Give Ava more internal conflict. Let us feel her guilt, shame, entitlement, or emptiness before she reaches for that gold card.
Consider portraying her betrayal as a symptom of emotional desperation, not just bitterness.

5. The Gold Card Introduction Feels Too Convenient

"Among the various sketchy advertisement pamphlets, a gold card was stuck..."
This moment reads like a plot device rather than a haunting, fated encounter.

Suggestions:

Make the card’s arrival eerier or more symbolic. Maybe it appears repeatedly, or maybe Ava sees it in a dream before she finds it.
Build the moment to feel inevitable, not random.

6. Grammar and Clarity Issues
A few grammatical and structural problems interrupt the flow:

“Upon those walls were the intricate and bold carvings of time.”
Awkward phrasing.

“Her skull cracks against the floor, pain spreading through her temples.”
Tense confusion—mixing present and past.

Suggestions:

Proofread for tense consistency. You shift between past and present in a disjointed way.
Simplify overly complex sentences to enhance readability and clarity.

Now, the second section, to be specific, Mr. Card:

1. Mr. Card Feels Too Cliché / Underdeveloped

“He looked like he stepped out of a GQ magazine.”
“His cold phoenix eyes pierced the heart of this married woman.”

Mr. Card is meant to be mysterious and dangerous, but right now he reads more like a romance trope insert than a sinister supernatural figure.
His sex appeal seems to override the tension and unease you’re building. That weakens the horror.

Suggestions:

Lean into subtle menace rather than surface-level attraction. Think: charisma that feels like a trap.
Give him odd quirks, unnatural poise, strange speech patterns, or unsettling knowledge of Ava.
If he's supernatural, make it ambiguous: “Did his eyes just flicker gold? No, surely the light.”

2. Ava's Descent Feels Rushed

Her emotional journey into hypnosis happens too quickly and with little resistance.
If she’s going to kill her husband later, the hypnosis should feel like the moment she gives up her soul. But she doesn’t hesitate. She’s seduced too easily.

Suggestions:

Add more inner tension: confusion, fear, even subconscious guilt.
Let her want to resist, even a little. That way, her surrender feels more tragic or disturbing.

3. "Abstract place" is too vague

“She was now in an abstract place where she could not distinguish up from down…”

This could be more immersive and unique. Right now, it reads like placeholder imagery.

Suggestions:

Describe the space more vividly and symbolically. Use memory fragments, twisted childhood locations, or warped dream-logic spaces to reflect her mind.
Make her subconscious speak in symbols—broken toys, locked doors, mirrors, etc.

4. The Hypnosis Outcome is Undercooked

“I know what I need to do now.”

That’s too vague and anticlimactic for a climax moment. What did she see? What truth? What does "the light" represent?

Suggestions:

Be more specific. Maybe she sees herself on a throne. Or Remi's face crumbling. Or a vision of her "perfect life" without him.
Let the reader feel the disturbing clarity of her final thought.

Moving on to the 3rd part:

1. Overwriting & Redundancy & Confusing phrases

Some sections are confusing, which dilutes their impact. For example:

“Another man steps out of the shadows and walks up the stairs.”
“A second figure—Mr. Card—steps from the shadows.”

Is that one man or two men?

This line is overwritten or repetitive:

“Her mouth gaping up and down like a dying fish.”

—feels a bit too literal or awkward. It undercuts the seriousness of the moment. Consider something more emotionally grounded.

2. Inconsistent Character Voice and Clarity
The contrast between Ava's POV and Zhang Xiyu's POV is stark—which is fine—but Ava's voice becomes confused and muted in the scene.

Her terror is visceral early on, but it’s abandoned quickly.
The line “On a normal day Ava would have no trouble throwing herself at a man like him…” feels inappropriate given the context. It momentarily breaks tension and objectifies the moment, which undermines her fear and disorientation.

Suggestion: If Ava is terrified and dying, keep her internal voice consistent. Drop romantic or sexual observations. Make her shock, fear, or numbness more central.

3. Fragment Plot Confusion
The Blue Lotus fragments are central, but still unclear in:

What they do
Why they’re needed
Who else has them

The scene hints at great stakes (e.g., Enma awakening, the princes scheming), but it's still too vague for emotional or narrative payoff. Readers are left guessing, which is fine early in a story—but this feels like a pivotal moment that deserves more clarity. So what on earth is the Blue Lotus?

Suggestion: Include one succinct line of exposition from Zhang Xiyu that gives us a concrete piece of info:

“Each fragment holds a portion of the Blue Lotus’s will. Once whole, it can suppress even Enma’s awakening.”

4. Scene Structure & Emotional Arc
You’re juggling a lot: Ava’s judgment, soul extraction, shadow devouring, exposition, and then pivoting to Zhang Xiyu’s political concerns. But the transitions are abrupt, and Ava’s death—while graphic—is emotionally flat.

Suggestion:

Separate the two arcs (Ava's soul trial vs. Zhang Xiyu's dialogue with Yutao) into two scenes or clearly transition with a section break.
Let Ava's death land harder. Give us a brief beat of her fading thoughts or terror. Right now, it's almost procedural.

5. Too Much Dialogue, Not Enough Subtext
Some lines are too on the nose or too expositional:

“Once the lotus achieves its full form, they will know the truth.”
“They already believe that we possess the Blue Lotus.”

These feel like two characters saying things they both already know for the reader’s benefit.

Suggestion: Build tension by implying things through disagreement or subtle hints. Let the lore emerge naturally.

Phew, after reading all of that, I could gladly announce that your chapter ends up as a disaster. And here's why:

PROBLEM 1: Tonal Whiplash
Each of the three parts you've written carries a drastically different emotional tone:

Part 1 (Ava kills Remi / enters Hell): A chaotic, emotionally volatile moment, filled with horror, grief, betrayal, and hysteria.
Part 2 (Mr. Card / hypnosis): A psychological sequence that shifts into dreamy surrealism and temptation; it’s slower, seductive, more introspective.
Part 3 (Zhang Xiyu, Yutao, the court): A high-fantasy, lore-heavy political thriller with a stoic, formal tone and world-shaping stakes.

The effect:
This creates tonal dissonance. Readers won’t know whether to treat the story as a psychological horror, dark fantasy, slow-burn thriller, or mythic epic. Jumping between these without careful bridges causes confusion and can eject the reader from immersion.

PROBLEM 2: Pacing and Emotional Focus
You're juggling too many narrative shifts in a short span:

From Ava's personal meltdown and murder
To her transition into a dreamlike initiation
To her violent death
To a different pair of characters discussing political intrigue and ancient threats

This breakneck change of emotional focus and narrative priority makes it difficult for readers to stay grounded or emotionally invested in any one thread.

The effect:
Instead of feeling like a complete story arc, it feels like three incomplete vignettes jammed together.

PROBLEM 3: POV & Perspective Jumps
You're switching point of view styles and narrative closeness:

Ava’s POV: Initially intimate, chaotic, emotionally raw (close third-person or limited omniscient).
Hypnosis sequence: Abstract and metaphorical, semi-unreliable narrator.
Zhang Xiyu and Yutao: More detached, omniscient, and dialogue-driven.

The effect:
Unclear narrative framing. Readers don't know whose story they're in, or how deeply they're supposed to feel what’s happening. Are they supposed to sympathize with Ava? With Zhang Xiyu? With Yutao? It creates emotional fragmentation.

PROBLEM 4: Exposition Dump vs. Organic Worldbuilding
The third segment (Zhang Xiyu and Yutao) is dense with exposition — worldbuilding names, magical concepts, cosmic stakes — immediately after Ava’s emotionally charged scenes.

The effect:
It's overwhelming. The reader hasn’t had time to digest Ava’s emotional collapse, actions, or fate before being thrown into a political/epic setup with completely different characters and terminology.

PROBLEM 5: Ava’s Arc Feels Rushed

You spend time building Ava as an unstable, selfish, but complex character.
Then suddenly, she's murdered and her soul is devoured.
No reflection, no fallout, no POV closure.

The effect:
Her story feels like a setup device, not a complete arc. If she's meant to be a key figure, this is too fast. If she’s just an opening example, it's too emotionally developed to end so abruptly.

RECOMMENDATIONS:
1. Split the Material Into Distinct Chapters or Acts

Structure the material more deliberately:

Chapter 1: Ava’s descent — from killing Remi to being transported into the realm of judgment. Let the horror and emotional chaos breathe.
Chapter 2: Her hypnosis + “deal with the devil” with Mr. Card. Focus on the psychological and moral implications.
Chapter 3: Zhang Xiyu and Yutao — introduce them with a sense of mystery and tie their discussion back to what just happened to Ava.

This gives breathing room and clear emotional arcs to each section.

2. Use Transitional Devices
Bridge scenes with transitions that ground the reader:

Establish when and why we’re switching scenes.
Use Ava’s death as the turning point. For example, Yutao could reflect on how many souls like hers he’s harvested, making the shift from personal to mythic feel more natural.

3. Reframe the Lore Reveal
Instead of dumping lore in exposition-heavy dialogue, tease it out gradually.

Let Zhang Xiyu mention only the necessary lore pieces that are relevant to what just happened.
Hint at the Blue Lotus without fully explaining it. Let intrigue build.

4. Clarify Who the Main Character Is
Is Ava just a tragic pawn? Is Mr. Card a side villain or a puppetmaster? Is Yutao the protagonist? Is Zhang Xiyu the anti-hero?

You need to pick a clear protagonist or anchor POV, or readers will feel lost.

5. Foreshadow Connections Early

If Zhang Xiyu and Yutao are supposed to be central, foreshadow their involvement during Ava’s experience:

Mr. Card could mention the “fragments.”
Ava could hear whispers of Enma, or see carved images of him.
Her death could unlock something — directly tying into the next scene.

IN SUMMARY
Main Issue:
The three parts feel like three separate stories because of tonal dissonance, unclear POV transitions, and an overload of information too quickly.

Fixes that you should do:

Break them into cleaner narrative units (chapters/acts)
Use transitions and reflections to guide the reader emotionally
Clarify Ava’s role in the story
Integrate worldbuilding slowly and naturally
Let each moment breathe before throwing the reader into a new dramatic context

If there's a long chapter next time I'mma just skip it.

Wenlock · Sep 7, 2025

LuciferVermillion said:
Oh, another first timer.

Hmm... your synopsis has a very strong atmospheric tone, a clear mythic/fantastical foundation, and a sense of cosmic stakes, which is great. You’re clearly aiming for something philosophical, intense, and dark, potentially in the dark fantasy, wuxia/xianxia, or mythological horror genres.

However, lots could be improved, such as:
1. Clarity and Flow

The sentences are often overwritten, with unusual or ambiguous phrasing that clouds your meaning.

Suggestion: Prioritize clarity over abstraction in a synopsis. Save poetic language for your actual prose.

2. Plot Structure Is Hazy

Who is the protagonist now? Zhang Xiyu is mentioned, but then it's about escaped prisoners and a jungle war. Does he lead this war? Is he the Blue Lotus? Is he the antagonist or anti-hero?

Suggestion: Anchor your synopsis in a clear narrative structure:

Who is the main character?

What is their goal?

What is the central conflict or choice?

What are the stakes?

3. Grammatical / Stylistic Issues
Several lines could use rewording for grammar or idiomatic correctness.

Suggestion: Proofread for sentence flow, parallel structure, and article usage.

Now, moving on to your first chapter-- erm, what? Who the heck is Ava?
It's so long!?
You are flooding me with this colossal chapter.

Nevertheless, since you separate them into several sections using --------------------------------------------------------------------, I will be breaking it down to three parts.

1. Opening Shock vs. Emotional Weight

Suggestions:

Consider giving more internal monologue before the act—something to prime her rage, disorientation, or internal justification.

Let the murder feel like a climax of mental collapse, not just an opening beat.

2. Pacing and Transitions
The jumps between reality, hell, and flashback are at times jarring or confusing.

The fog transition is effective, but the movement between hallucination, memory, and flashback could use clearer signposting.

The flashbacks dominate the middle section and slow down the narrative momentum established in the hellish setting.

Suggestions:

Use clearer breaks (scene dividers or formatting) when shifting timelines.

Consider interweaving flashbacks with present scenes to keep tension high rather than lumping them in one long block.

3. Inconsistent Tone and Diction
Your prose fluctuates between lyrical, elevated horror and casual, almost flat modern writing.

These lines feel too literal or modern in tone compared to the supernatural horror framework. They risk trivializing Ava’s character arc.

Suggestions:

Decide on a consistent voice. If this is psychological horror or mythic tragedy, tighten the prose around Ava’s delusion, bitterness, and desperation using evocative, focused language.

Use Ava’s unreliable mental state to enrich the narration—let her view of herself and others distort the text.

4. Ava’s Characterization Needs Sharpening
Ava is clearly meant to be flawed and possibly unhinged, but at times her motivations feel rushed or under-explained.

Suggestions:

Give Ava more internal conflict. Let us feel her guilt, shame, entitlement, or emptiness before she reaches for that gold card.

Consider portraying her betrayal as a symptom of emotional desperation, not just bitterness.

5. The Gold Card Introduction Feels Too Convenient

Suggestions:

Make the card’s arrival eerier or more symbolic. Maybe it appears repeatedly, or maybe Ava sees it in a dream before she finds it.

Build the moment to feel inevitable, not random.

6. Grammar and Clarity Issues
A few grammatical and structural problems interrupt the flow:

Suggestions:

Proofread for tense consistency. You shift between past and present in a disjointed way.

Simplify overly complex sentences to enhance readability and clarity.

Now, the second section, to be specific, Mr. Card:

1. Mr. Card Feels Too Cliché / Underdeveloped

Mr. Card is meant to be mysterious and dangerous, but right now he reads more like a romance trope insert than a sinister supernatural figure.

His sex appeal seems to override the tension and unease you’re building. That weakens the horror.

Suggestions:

Lean into subtle menace rather than surface-level attraction. Think: charisma that feels like a trap.

Give him odd quirks, unnatural poise, strange speech patterns, or unsettling knowledge of Ava.

If he's supernatural, make it ambiguous: “Did his eyes just flicker gold? No, surely the light.”

2. Ava's Descent Feels Rushed

Her emotional journey into hypnosis happens too quickly and with little resistance.

If she’s going to kill her husband later, the hypnosis should feel like the moment she gives up her soul. But she doesn’t hesitate. She’s seduced too easily.

Suggestions:

Add more inner tension: confusion, fear, even subconscious guilt.

Let her want to resist, even a little. That way, her surrender feels more tragic or disturbing.

3. "Abstract place" is too vague

This could be more immersive and unique. Right now, it reads like placeholder imagery.

Suggestions:

Describe the space more vividly and symbolically. Use memory fragments, twisted childhood locations, or warped dream-logic spaces to reflect her mind.

Make her subconscious speak in symbols—broken toys, locked doors, mirrors, etc.

4. The Hypnosis Outcome is Undercooked

That’s too vague and anticlimactic for a climax moment. What did she see? What truth? What does "the light" represent?

Suggestions:

Be more specific. Maybe she sees herself on a throne. Or Remi's face crumbling. Or a vision of her "perfect life" without him.

Let the reader feel the disturbing clarity of her final thought.

Moving on to the 3rd part:
1. Overwriting & Redundancy & Confusing phrases
Some sections are confusing, which dilutes their impact. For example:

Is that one man or two men?

This line is overwritten or repetitive:

—feels a bit too literal or awkward. It undercuts the seriousness of the moment. Consider something more emotionally grounded.

2. Inconsistent Character Voice and Clarity
The contrast between Ava's POV and Zhang Xiyu's POV is stark—which is fine—but Ava's voice becomes confused and muted in the scene.

Her terror is visceral early on, but it’s abandoned quickly.

The line “On a normal day Ava would have no trouble throwing herself at a man like him…” feels inappropriate given the context. It momentarily breaks tension and objectifies the moment, which undermines her fear and disorientation.

Suggestion: If Ava is terrified and dying, keep her internal voice consistent. Drop romantic or sexual observations. Make her shock, fear, or numbness more central.

3. Fragment Plot Confusion
The Blue Lotus fragments are central, but still unclear in:

What they do

Why they’re needed

Who else has them

The scene hints at great stakes (e.g., Enma awakening, the princes scheming), but it's still too vague for emotional or narrative payoff. Readers are left guessing, which is fine early in a story—but this feels like a pivotal moment that deserves more clarity. So what on earth is the Blue Lotus?

Suggestion: Include one succinct line of exposition from Zhang Xiyu that gives us a concrete piece of info:

4. Scene Structure & Emotional Arc
You’re juggling a lot: Ava’s judgment, soul extraction, shadow devouring, exposition, and then pivoting to Zhang Xiyu’s political concerns. But the transitions are abrupt, and Ava’s death—while graphic—is emotionally flat.

Suggestion:

Separate the two arcs (Ava's soul trial vs. Zhang Xiyu's dialogue with Yutao) into two scenes or clearly transition with a section break.

Let Ava's death land harder. Give us a brief beat of her fading thoughts or terror. Right now, it's almost procedural.

5. Too Much Dialogue, Not Enough Subtext
Some lines are too on the nose or too expositional:

These feel like two characters saying things they both already know for the reader’s benefit.

Suggestion: Build tension by implying things through disagreement or subtle hints. Let the lore emerge naturally.

Phew, after reading all of that, I could gladly announce that your chapter ends up as a disaster. And here's why:

PROBLEM 1: Tonal Whiplash
Each of the three parts you've written carries a drastically different emotional tone:

Part 1 (Ava kills Remi / enters Hell): A chaotic, emotionally volatile moment, filled with horror, grief, betrayal, and hysteria.

Part 2 (Mr. Card / hypnosis): A psychological sequence that shifts into dreamy surrealism and temptation; it’s slower, seductive, more introspective.

Part 3 (Zhang Xiyu, Yutao, the court): A high-fantasy, lore-heavy political thriller with a stoic, formal tone and world-shaping stakes.

The effect:
This creates tonal dissonance. Readers won’t know whether to treat the story as a psychological horror, dark fantasy, slow-burn thriller, or mythic epic. Jumping between these without careful bridges causes confusion and can eject the reader from immersion.

PROBLEM 2: Pacing and Emotional Focus
You're juggling too many narrative shifts in a short span:

From Ava's personal meltdown and murder

To her transition into a dreamlike initiation

To her violent death

To a different pair of characters discussing political intrigue and ancient threats

This breakneck change of emotional focus and narrative priority makes it difficult for readers to stay grounded or emotionally invested in any one thread.

The effect:
Instead of feeling like a complete story arc, it feels like three incomplete vignettes jammed together.

PROBLEM 3: POV & Perspective Jumps
You're switching point of view styles and narrative closeness:

Ava’s POV: Initially intimate, chaotic, emotionally raw (close third-person or limited omniscient).

Hypnosis sequence: Abstract and metaphorical, semi-unreliable narrator.

Zhang Xiyu and Yutao: More detached, omniscient, and dialogue-driven.

The effect:
Unclear narrative framing. Readers don't know whose story they're in, or how deeply they're supposed to feel what’s happening. Are they supposed to sympathize with Ava? With Zhang Xiyu? With Yutao? It creates emotional fragmentation.

PROBLEM 4: Exposition Dump vs. Organic Worldbuilding
The third segment (Zhang Xiyu and Yutao) is dense with exposition — worldbuilding names, magical concepts, cosmic stakes — immediately after Ava’s emotionally charged scenes.

The effect:
It's overwhelming. The reader hasn’t had time to digest Ava’s emotional collapse, actions, or fate before being thrown into a political/epic setup with completely different characters and terminology.

PROBLEM 5: Ava’s Arc Feels Rushed

You spend time building Ava as an unstable, selfish, but complex character.

Then suddenly, she's murdered and her soul is devoured.

No reflection, no fallout, no POV closure.

The effect:
Her story feels like a setup device, not a complete arc. If she's meant to be a key figure, this is too fast. If she’s just an opening example, it's too emotionally developed to end so abruptly.

RECOMMENDATIONS:
1. Split the Material Into Distinct Chapters or Acts

Structure the material more deliberately:

Chapter 1: Ava’s descent — from killing Remi to being transported into the realm of judgment. Let the horror and emotional chaos breathe.

Chapter 2: Her hypnosis + “deal with the devil” with Mr. Card. Focus on the psychological and moral implications.

Chapter 3: Zhang Xiyu and Yutao — introduce them with a sense of mystery and tie their discussion back to what just happened to Ava.

This gives breathing room and clear emotional arcs to each section.

2. Use Transitional Devices
Bridge scenes with transitions that ground the reader:

Establish when and why we’re switching scenes.

Use Ava’s death as the turning point. For example, Yutao could reflect on how many souls like hers he’s harvested, making the shift from personal to mythic feel more natural.

3. Reframe the Lore Reveal
Instead of dumping lore in exposition-heavy dialogue, tease it out gradually.

Let Zhang Xiyu mention only the necessary lore pieces that are relevant to what just happened.

Hint at the Blue Lotus without fully explaining it. Let intrigue build.

4. Clarify Who the Main Character Is
Is Ava just a tragic pawn? Is Mr. Card a side villain or a puppetmaster? Is Yutao the protagonist? Is Zhang Xiyu the anti-hero?

You need to pick a clear protagonist or anchor POV, or readers will feel lost.

5. Foreshadow Connections Early

If Zhang Xiyu and Yutao are supposed to be central, foreshadow their involvement during Ava’s experience:

Mr. Card could mention the “fragments.”

Ava could hear whispers of Enma, or see carved images of him.

Her death could unlock something — directly tying into the next scene.

IN SUMMARY
Main Issue:
The three parts feel like three separate stories because of tonal dissonance, unclear POV transitions, and an overload of information too quickly.

Fixes that you should do:

Break them into cleaner narrative units (chapters/acts)

Use transitions and reflections to guide the reader emotionally

Clarify Ava’s role in the story

Integrate worldbuilding slowly and naturally

Let each moment breathe before throwing the reader into a new dramatic context

If there's a long chapter next time I'mma just skip it.

Thanks for the elaborate feedback. I did have a feeling that the Synopsis isn't 'hooking' enough. Like you said, Ava seems to be a setup device... because she is. The story doesn't care about her at all. She is in other words a 'canon fodder' but there's a reason why her soul go devoured and that was her shitty personality (not because of some morality but for a practical reason shown later). Which is why Ava's pov is kind of crude but it turns dark in the third section. The rest of the book is pretty much like that third section. I see how a reader might get disoriented with the first two sections because I didn't promise them that lol. I will clarify the pettiness of her role when I edit it so thanks. And also thank you for pointing out the grammar defects because I had kind of forgotten to remove them in my edit.

Bartun · Sep 7, 2025

Hello!

You already gave me good suggestions for my blurb, but then I saw this post. I would love it if you would take a look at my novel Nowhere to Run.

I've been rewriting it for quite a while now since I finished it, and already taken into account previous criticism, but I'm always striving to improve. I'm looking forward to your thoughts about it if you still have the time.

Nowhere to Run

Nina is a young priestess who has just begun her journeys through the highlands, ancient home of the Clans. But unknown powers are scheming in the darkness, and everything falls apart when the barbaric Northmen suddenly come looking for her. Being too weak to fight, she will have to resort...

www.scribblehub.com

LuciferVermillion · Sep 8, 2025

Bartun said:
Hello!

You already gave me good suggestions for my blurb, but then I saw this post. I would love it if you would take a look at my novel Nowhere to Run.

I've been rewriting it for quite a while now since I finished it, and already taken into account previous criticism, but I'm always striving to improve. I'm looking forward to your thoughts about it if you still have the time.

Nowhere to Run

Nina is a young priestess who has just begun her journeys through the highlands, ancient home of the Clans. But unknown powers are scheming in the darkness, and everything falls apart when the barbaric Northmen suddenly come looking for her. Being too weak to fight, she will have to resort...

www.scribblehub.com

Wow, ain't you a greedy one.

But first of all, DID YOU READ?

First of all, there are genres that I will not accept no matter what, and that is: BL, sex, smut, NTR, fanfic (and possibly other genres that I currently can't think of)

I'm never a fan to be reading a rape scene right from the start.

I was wondering whether you are feigning ignorance or simply don't care. Or even think that this is just a convenient place just for you.

Nevertheless, I suppose I could fry you.

Since I reviewed that blurb/synopsis of yours, I will go straight to Chapter 1--

WARNING - CONTAINS DEPICTIONS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE

"Oh come on!" I screamed. Cursing at the little shit who decided to ask me to review a story that I really hated to.

I decided to grit my teeth and pry open my eyes to finish this accursed chapter 1.

You had strengths.

Pacing & Tension
- The chase sequence is tight and energetic. The short sentences mimic her panic well and keep the action urgent.
- The transitions from one obstacle to the next (ravine → stream → trail → fall → encounter) sustain momentum and don’t let the reader breathe.
Atmosphere
- The forest imagery — roots, mud, the stream, the nightly choir — grounds the scene. You give the reader a good sense of space and danger.
- The sudden discovery of the footprint was an excellent beat: it widens the threat beyond the pursuers and hints at a bigger world.
Emotional Interior
- Nina’s fear, panic, and despair feel visceral. Her thoughts are woven into the narration naturally (the “They found me! How?!” line especially hits).

But that's all it is.

Your problems:

Structural / Narrative Issues

Action Without Variation
- The chase sequence is relentless, but it risks becoming monotonous because it’s all running, slipping, hiding, falling, tripping. Each beat is similar in intensity. Without quieter or more reflective moments, the scene can feel like one long blur rather than escalating tension.
- Suggestion: Build peaks and valleys. Insert moments of eerie stillness or psychological dread between bursts of movement, so when the action spikes again, it feels sharper.
Convenience of Obstacles
- Ravine → stream → deeper water → footprint → hole in ground → ambush. The obstacles feel a little engineered, like the world is throwing random hurdles at her rather than flowing naturally. This can break immersion if readers sense the author’s hand too clearly.
Overextension of the Assault Scene
- Not sure whether is it because you liked sexual violence. It goes on for so long that it risks desensitizing the reader. Instead of escalating horror, it can feel like it’s circling the same beat (struggle → hit → stripped → struggle → hit).
- The Nord boy’s hesitation is the most narratively interesting moment — but it gets buried under repeated abuse details.

Prose / Style Issues

Redundancy in Sentence Construction
- Many sentences follow the same structure: “She [verb], and she [verb].”
  Example: “Her heart thumped, and her lungs pumped. Her feet moved on reflex…” → this feels mechanical.
- Too many “She [action]” sentences in a row weakens rhythm.
Adverbs and Weak Intensifiers
- Words like promptly, instantly, tightly, loudly are overused. They make the prose feel padded and sometimes juvenile. Often the verb itself can carry the intensity.
- Example: “She jumped on her feet and promptly took cover” → “She sprang to her feet and ducked behind the cliff.”
Over-Explanatory Thoughts
- Internal monologue sometimes tells the reader what’s already clear.
- Example: “They must have followed me!” — but we just saw them chasing her, so the thought doesn’t add much.
Tone Inconsistency
- Swearing (“Shit! Shit! Shit!”) feels modern and jarring against the otherwise historical/fantasy atmosphere. It risks breaking immersion unless your world explicitly allows modern-style profanity.

Characterization Issues

Nina as Passive Victim
- For much of the chapter, things just happen to her: chased, falls, tripped, captured, beaten, restrained. She reacts, but doesn’t make many choices besides running. That risks making her feel like a passive victim rather than an active protagonist.
- Suggestion: Give her small tactical choices or moments of agency, even if they fail (e.g., deciding to take a riskier path, setting a small distraction).
Northmen Portrayal
- Right now, the Northmen feel like faceless, one-dimensional brutes. They’re cruel for cruelty’s sake. The single Nord boy is a step in the right direction — but even he mostly stares and cries. Without nuance, the antagonists risk being cartoonishly evil, which can cheapen the horror.
The Prayer
- The prayer moment has real power, but it gets lost because it comes after such an exhaustive description of abuse. If it were highlighted earlier — as her anchor while everything falls apart — it would carry more weight.

Pacing Issues

The chapter is long and relentless, but the climax (assault capture) feels stretched beyond necessity. Readers might fatigue before the “miracle or twist” comes.
A tighter structure — chase → narrow escape → capture → immediate horror → intervention — would hit harder than prolonged struggle.

My suggestions:

Restructure the Chase for Escalation
- Instead of throwing obstacle after obstacle, build a wave of tension:
  - Start: fast, panicked run (short choppy sentences).
  - Middle: eerie lull (hiding, listening, dread).
  - Climax: capture, sudden violence.
- This avoids fatigue and keeps readers hooked.
Trim Repetition
- Combine actions instead of repeating them:
  - Instead of “She froze, holding her breath, and watching in absolute horror as lit torches emerged…” → “She froze, breath caught, as torchlight bled through the trees.”
- Drop adverbs (promptly, instantly, loudly). Use sharper verbs.
Shift Focus to Nina’s Agency
- Even if she’s overpowered, give her choices:
  - She chooses the ravine jump.
  - She chooses to bite/kick even when she knows it’s futile.
  - She chooses to pray — not as surrender, but as defiance.
Handle the Assault With Restraint
- Keep the horror, but imply rather than describe each step. Readers will fill in blanks more powerfully than explicit detail.
- Anchor the scene in Nina’s perspective: her shame, rage, desperation. That’s what makes it meaningful, not the blow-by-blow.
- Highlight the Nord boy conflict earlier, so the scene isn’t just brutality but also a moral turning point for him.
Tighten the Ending
- Cut down the prolonged abuse description. End the chapter on the prayer or the moment she sees the boy hesitate. That leaves tension unresolved and primes the next chapter for the “miracle” or twist.

Maybe you could've read my prologue. You will get what I mean.

Phoenix7ate9 · Sep 8, 2025

Well I think this might be already too late but,do mine ?https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1819084/barrier-fall/

Shorgoth · Sep 8, 2025

Paradise City: Dark Side of the Moon

Hello, I'm new around these parts, though I've been on Royal Road with the same content for a bit now and writing this thing for half my life. Was wondering what you thought about it.

Fair warning, while I do not touch explicit sexuality (it is referenced a lot but not in a smutty way), I do touch on trauma in a really visceral and direct way. I won't judge you if you back off on this one. It's also a weird one; been using AI not for the text but to graft images and songs to it. Also, the text itself is not clean prose; it's raw, realistic speech and structured more like a script to fit the mix of media I employ and cuts the textual narration to focus on the interplays and negative space between images, music and text. It is, by all intents and purposes, highly experimental. In many ways, it feels more like a movie than a novel in structure.

Bartun · Sep 8, 2025

LuciferVermillion said:
Wow, ain't you a greedy one.

But first of all, DID YOU READ?

I'm never a fan to be reading a rape scene right from the start.

I was wondering whether you are feigning ignorance or simply don't care. Or even think that this is just a convenient place just for you.

Nevertheless, I suppose I could fry you.

Since I reviewed that blurb/synopsis of yours, I will go straight to Chapter 1--

WARNING - CONTAINS DEPICTIONS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE
"Oh come on!" I screamed. Cursing at the little shit who decided to ask me to review a story that I really hated to.

I decided to grit my teeth and pry open my eyes to finish this accursed chapter 1.

You had strengths.

Pacing & Tension

The chase sequence is tight and energetic. The short sentences mimic her panic well and keep the action urgent.

The transitions from one obstacle to the next (ravine → stream → trail → fall → encounter) sustain momentum and don’t let the reader breathe.

Atmosphere

The forest imagery — roots, mud, the stream, the nightly choir — grounds the scene. You give the reader a good sense of space and danger.

The sudden discovery of the footprint was an excellent beat: it widens the threat beyond the pursuers and hints at a bigger world.

Emotional Interior

Nina’s fear, panic, and despair feel visceral. Her thoughts are woven into the narration naturally (the “They found me! How?!” line especially hits).

But that's all it is.

Your problems:

Structural / Narrative Issues

Action Without Variation

The chase sequence is relentless, but it risks becoming monotonous because it’s all running, slipping, hiding, falling, tripping. Each beat is similar in intensity. Without quieter or more reflective moments, the scene can feel like one long blur rather than escalating tension.

Suggestion: Build peaks and valleys. Insert moments of eerie stillness or psychological dread between bursts of movement, so when the action spikes again, it feels sharper.

Convenience of Obstacles

Ravine → stream → deeper water → footprint → hole in ground → ambush. The obstacles feel a little engineered, like the world is throwing random hurdles at her rather than flowing naturally. This can break immersion if readers sense the author’s hand too clearly.

Overextension of the Assault Scene

Not sure whether is it because you liked sexual violence. It goes on for so long that it risks desensitizing the reader. Instead of escalating horror, it can feel like it’s circling the same beat (struggle → hit → stripped → struggle → hit).

The Nord boy’s hesitation is the most narratively interesting moment — but it gets buried under repeated abuse details.

Prose / Style Issues

Redundancy in Sentence Construction

Many sentences follow the same structure: “She [verb], and she [verb].”
Example: “Her heart thumped, and her lungs pumped. Her feet moved on reflex…” → this feels mechanical.

Too many “She [action]” sentences in a row weakens rhythm.

Adverbs and Weak Intensifiers

Words like promptly, instantly, tightly, loudly are overused. They make the prose feel padded and sometimes juvenile. Often the verb itself can carry the intensity.

Example: “She jumped on her feet and promptly took cover” → “She sprang to her feet and ducked behind the cliff.”

Over-Explanatory Thoughts

Internal monologue sometimes tells the reader what’s already clear.

Example: “They must have followed me!” — but we just saw them chasing her, so the thought doesn’t add much.

Tone Inconsistency

Swearing (“Shit! Shit! Shit!”) feels modern and jarring against the otherwise historical/fantasy atmosphere. It risks breaking immersion unless your world explicitly allows modern-style profanity.

Characterization Issues

Nina as Passive Victim

For much of the chapter, things just happen to her: chased, falls, tripped, captured, beaten, restrained. She reacts, but doesn’t make many choices besides running. That risks making her feel like a passive victim rather than an active protagonist.

Suggestion: Give her small tactical choices or moments of agency, even if they fail (e.g., deciding to take a riskier path, setting a small distraction).

Northmen Portrayal

Right now, the Northmen feel like faceless, one-dimensional brutes. They’re cruel for cruelty’s sake. The single Nord boy is a step in the right direction — but even he mostly stares and cries. Without nuance, the antagonists risk being cartoonishly evil, which can cheapen the horror.

The Prayer

The prayer moment has real power, but it gets lost because it comes after such an exhaustive description of abuse. If it were highlighted earlier — as her anchor while everything falls apart — it would carry more weight.

Pacing Issues

The chapter is long and relentless, but the climax (assault capture) feels stretched beyond necessity. Readers might fatigue before the “miracle or twist” comes.

A tighter structure — chase → narrow escape → capture → immediate horror → intervention — would hit harder than prolonged struggle.

My suggestions:

Restructure the Chase for Escalation

Instead of throwing obstacle after obstacle, build a waveof tension:

Start: fast, panicked run (short choppy sentences).

Middle: eerie lull (hiding, listening, dread).

Climax: capture, sudden violence.

This avoids fatigue and keeps readers hooked.

Trim Repetition

Combine actions instead of repeating them:

Instead of “She froze, holding her breath, and watching in absolute horror as lit torches emerged…” → “She froze, breath caught, as torchlight bled through the trees.”

Drop adverbs (promptly, instantly, loudly). Use sharper verbs.

Shift Focus to Nina’s Agency

Even if she’s overpowered, give her choices:

She chooses the ravine jump.

She chooses to bite/kick even when she knows it’s futile.

She chooses to pray — not as surrender, but as defiance.

Handle the Assault With Restraint

Keep the horror, but imply rather than describe each step. Readers will fill in blanks more powerfully than explicit detail.

Anchor the scene in Nina’s perspective: her shame, rage, desperation. That’s what makes it meaningful, not the blow-by-blow.

Highlight the Nord boy conflict earlier, so the scene isn’t just brutality but also a moral turning point for him.

Tighten the Ending

Cut down the prolonged abuse description. End the chapter on the prayer or the moment she sees the boy hesitate. That leaves tension unresolved and primes the next chapter for the “miracle” or twist.

Maybe you could've read my prologue. You will get what I mean.

Wow! Thank you so much! This didn't feel like a fry at all. If anything, it gives me a good direction for fixing the chapter.

And sorry. I guess I got carried away and didn't read that part.

Cookiez_N_Potionz · Sep 8, 2025

Wow, can I have some feedback, please?

The Maverick and The Succubus [LitRPG]

5 Systems. 5 Royal Families. Greetings, Champion! 17 year-old, Collin Rex is a football player with a heart of gold. But his easygoing life is flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a mysterious coma. With no more tricks in their playbook Collin's folks decide to move back to...

www.scribblehub.com

LuciferVermillion · Sep 9, 2025

Cookiez_N_Potionz said:
Wow, can I have some feedback, please?

The Maverick and The Succubus [LitRPG]

5 Systems. 5 Royal Families. Greetings, Champion! 17 year-old, Collin Rex is a football player with a heart of gold. But his easygoing life is flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a mysterious coma. With no more tricks in their playbook Collin's folks decide to move back to...

www.scribblehub.com

Not sure if you remember, but I gave you a feedback on 11th February 2025 when you posted on [Just a little feedback would be nice, thank you}.

I can see you made changes afterwards, and posted again on [Honest Feedback would be nice, thx}, just to be completely ignored.

Now that you are here after 8 months, let's see how much you've improved.

Now then, let's go with your synopsis:
Unfortunately, your synopsis failed to present your story.

1. Clarity and Focus: What’s the hook?

What's the unique "LitRPG" element here?
You mention the Knight System, but we don’t get a sense of how the LitRPG mechanics work—stats, leveling, classes, quests, etc. For fans of the genre, that’s a big draw.
Suggestion: Add one or two lines that briefly hint at how the Knight System functions or how it's gamified. That will ground the genre more clearly.

2. Stakes and Conflict: Why does it matter?

The synopsis hints at big events (siblings in comas, supernatural roles, secret destiny), but the stakes feel a bit abstract.
Suggestion: Clearly state what’s at risk if Collin doesn’t act. For example:

“If Collin fails to master the Knight System, the barrier between worlds will collapse—and his siblings may never wake up.”

Click to expand...

3. Characterization: Who is Collin, really?

“Football player with a heart of gold” is very broad and generic. Try to show something more distinctive or unexpected about Collin.
(What makes him a “Maverick” at heart?)
Suggestion: Include a small character contradiction or strength that makes him feel real.

“Collin Rex—a football jock who secretly writes fantasy stories—never imagined he’d live in one.”

Click to expand...

4. Structure and Pacing: Needs more momentum

The first few sentences are exposition-heavy and passive. Try to start with the inciting incident or something emotionally grabbing.
The transition between “siblings in coma” and “moves to a new school” and then “accidentally unlocks a system” feels too fast and disconnected.
Suggestion: Streamline the narrative to build tension and connect the events more causally. Something like:

After Collin Rex’s older siblings fall into inexplicable comas, his family returns to their mysterious hometown—where the line between reality and fantasy blurs. At his new school, Collin reunites with Helena, a forgotten childhood friend who seems to know more than she lets on. Then he unlocks the Knight System—a hidden power that marks him as a Maverick: one of five chosen to maintain balance between the human and supernatural realms.

5. Tone and Word Choice

Some phrases are a little cliché or vague (e.g. “easygoing life,” “no more tricks in their playbook,” “realize they’re childhood friends”).
Suggestion: Use more specific, evocative language to make it feel fresh. Avoid filler phrases like “But it wasn’t an accident…” unless they lead to a stronger revelation.

Here's an example you could refer (Don't use this or I will find you and hunt you down):

Five Systems. Five Royal Families. One hidden war.
Seventeen-year-old Collin Rex is a star football player with a haunted past—and when his siblings mysteriously fall into comas, his family moves back to the town they swore they’d left behind. There, Collin stumbles into a reunion with Helena, a cryptic girl from his forgotten childhood.
Soon after, he unlocks the Knight System, a powerful interface of stats, skills, and supernatural quests. But it wasn’t by chance—Collin was chosen years ago to become a Maverick: one of five guardians tasked with keeping the peace between the mortal and supernatural realms.
Now, with forces stirring in the shadows and Helena hiding dangerous secrets of her own, Collin must master his new powers and uncover the truth behind his family's curse—before the Systems collapse and reality rewrites itself.

Moving on to Chapter 1:
You've improved. But not enough-- it's far from enough. From how I read, I could even say it's barely a pass. What you are doing now is basically telling a story, not showing. We don't need to read a book that tells us a story. Do you know why readers read novels? Because we needed the story to be immersive.

1. Tone & Tense Consistency

The chapter jumps inconsistently between past and present tense, which can confuse readers.

Fix: Stick to past tense for narration unless a present-tense shift is intentional for effect.

Example:

Everything felt weird. Collin doesn't remember squat... (What you wrote)
Everything felt weird. Collin didn’t remember squat... (Correction)

2. Exposition vs. Immersion

A lot of early information is told instead of shown, which slows pacing. For example, the info about his siblings' illness and the move is presented up front instead of revealed naturally through action or dialogue.

Fix: Let the reader discover info through emotional beats and context. Consider cutting or trimming the paragraph that starts with “It's been a week and Collin still didn't understand…” and integrating that info into the dinner scene.

3. Characterization of Collin

Collin feels like a placeholder at times. We get surface details (football, sad, vitiligo), but not much about his voice or deeper personality. What does he think of Kismet City? What are his unique traits, quirks, contradictions?

Fix: Show Collin’s thoughts and personality through his reactions more. Is he sarcastic? Wistful? Angry? Playful? Give him more interiority.

4. Clunky or Repetitive Phrasing
Some phrases feel either awkward, repetitive, or could use a polish. Examples:

“Collin still didn't understand why they had to visit now.”
Suggestion: “Collin still didn’t get why they had to come back—especially now.”

“After having a heart-to-heart conversation they both went into the kitchen for dinner.”
Suggestion: “After their talk, they moved quietly to the kitchen for dinner.”

“Collin jumped outta bed…”
Use of "outta" is informal and inconsistent with the rest of the tone. Pick a consistent voice: casual, formal, or somewhere in between.

5. Scene Transitions & Pacing

The transition from emotional dinner to supernatural encounter is too abrupt. Readers may feel like they’ve switched genres in a single paragraph.

Fix: Add a bridge. Maybe Collin has a brief memory flash as he eats. Or describe the atmosphere of the house more at night. Build that eerie tension gradually.

As a bonus, I will throw in a line-by-line critic:

Opening Paragraph:

It's been a week and Collin still didn't understand why they had to visit now.

Tense inconsistency. You're writing in past tense, so “It’s” should be “It had been.”
Also, "visit" is the wrong verb — they're moving back, not just visiting.

Fix:

It had been a week, and Collin still didn’t understand why they had to come back now.

Everything was fine in Collin's life, until last year when his older siblings became ill for no reason.

This is telling, and “everything was fine” is vague and passive.
Instead, show how things changed. What did he lose?

Fix (example):

Life had been simple—football, weekends with friends—until last year, when his older siblings collapsed without warning. No one knew why. No one had answers.

Collin's new school was called William Graves Highschool or Graveyard High because lots of horror movies were filmed in this area.

Be more immersive and vivid. Give the school more atmosphere or tone.
"Highschool" should be "High School".

Fix (example):

His new school—William Graves High—was known to locals as Graveyard High. The nickname came from the dozens of horror films shot in the foggy woods nearby. Great.

(Consider adding Collin’s internal sarcasm or mood to give voice.)

Middle Section:

Collin pulled up to the house his family was renting and felt a pang in his heart as he took off his helmet.

“Felt a pang in his heart” is overused and vague.
This is a chance to show mood and setting.

Fix (example):

The rented house looked like it hadn’t been touched in a decade—peeling paint, crooked shutters. Collin killed the engine of his bike and sat there a moment, the wind cooling the sweat on his brow. Then he yanked off his helmet and stared at the house like it might bite him.

He had dark skin, vitiligo spots across his nose that looked like freckles, brown curly hair, and dark eyes.

This reads like a character sheet drop-in. Find a smoother way to integrate description.

Fix (example):

He rubbed at the vitiligo spots on his nose—tiny pale flecks like freckles, his teammates used to say. They hadn’t felt like teasing at the time. Not until everything fell apart.

Everything felt weird. Collin doesn't remember squat about Kismet City...

I mentioned above, tense issue: “doesn’t” should be “didn’t.”
"Everything felt weird" is vague. Be more specific.

Fix (example):

Nothing about Kismet City felt familiar. Collin hadn’t been back since he was eight—and the place felt like it had been waiting for him, watching.

Dialogue with Dad:
The conversation feels stiff and unnatural. Try to write how people actually talk, especially when emotional.

"Why did this happen? I just don't get it," Collin said with sadness.

You don’t need “with sadness”—we should feel it from the words or tone.
Also, try something more real: frustration, helplessness, grief.

Fix:

“Why them?” Collin said. “Why not me? What did they do to deserve this?”

Let the dad respond with humanity, not exposition.

Scrapbook Scene:

Later that night, Collin heard tapping and woke up.

Build suspense more deliberately. Try sensory details and pacing.

Fix (example):

Tap.
Tap.
Collin stirred, half-asleep. He blinked at the glowing red numbers—1:13 a.m.
A shadow flickered across the window.

Let the sounds build suspense. Don’t rush to the reveal.

It was an old scrapbook and what slipped out was a wrinkled drawing.

Be more specific. Where did it fall from? How does it smell? Is the paper faded?

Fix (example):

He picked up the scrapbook, the leather cracked and worn. A folded piece of paper had fallen out—a drawing, yellowed and soft at the edges like it had been handled a hundred times.

One was him and the other was a girl with long black hair and different-colored eyes.

“Different-colored eyes” is a bit awkward. Try something smoother.

Fix:

The girl had long black hair and mismatched eyes—one green, one gray.

Example rewrite (Do not use this):

August, 2011

It had been a week, and Collin still didn’t understand why they had come back to Kismet City.

His parents said it was for a “change of pace.” To help him focus. To cope. But nothing about this fog-choked town made sense. Not the sudden move, not the rented house, not the way they tiptoed around any mention of his siblings.

Especially not that.

Last year, his brother and sister just… stopped waking up. No warning, no symptoms, no answers. Collin remembered the sirens. The sterile hospital room. The silence that came after.

And now he was here. Starting over at a school nicknamed Graveyard High because of all the horror movies filmed in the woods behind it.

Then again, try reading my prologue and get the idea.

Phoenix7ate9 · Sep 9, 2025

So back again ? with ma link

Barrier Fall

When their village is reduced to ash, Nox and Juro are thrust into a world they never knew existed — a world ruled by Iora, the life force that fuels monsters, demons, and warriors alike. Stripped of everything they’ve ever known, the two must survive in a brutal land where...

www.scribblehub.com

LuciferVermillion · Sep 9, 2025

Phoenix7ate9 said:
So back again ? with ma link

Barrier Fall

When their village is reduced to ash, Nox and Juro are thrust into a world they never knew existed — a world ruled by Iora, the life force that fuels monsters, demons, and warriors alike. Stripped of everything they’ve ever known, the two must survive in a brutal land where...

www.scribblehub.com

Chill, bro. Relax. Although I sort of missed you out, but I've got you, so relax, okay?

Stop posting anymore to ask for feedbacks, man. {roasting an action novel], [So how many of us really want constructive criticism on whatever we're working on].

You reallyyyyy need to work on your patience.

Do not create a second post and ask for a feedback after a short edit. It's just plain annoying and people would only get disgusted by it.

So here are your critics for your synopsis:
1. Familiar Tropes Without a Unique Hook
The synopsis uses a number of familiar fantasy tropes — destroyed village, mysterious powers, a hidden force, demonic enemies, ancient evil. While tropes aren't bad on their own, what makes your story different isn’t clear. There's no standout "hook" that separates Barrier Fall from many similar-sounding dark fantasy or shounen-inspired narratives.

Suggestion:
Clarify what makes this world or the protagonists different. Is it the nature of Iora? A twist in the demon hierarchy? The way Nox’s power works? A cryptic theme?

Try a sentence that answers: “What’s the one thing readers won’t get anywhere else?”

2. Overloaded Language / Vague Phrasing
Phrases like “a world ruled by Iora,” “every shadow hides a predator,” and “the line between prey and predator begins to blur” are evocative, but they’re also abstract and a little cliché. They tell us more about tone than specific stakes or plot mechanics. It starts to sound like dark-fantasy filler rather than content-rich summary.

Suggestion:
Be specific where possible. For example:

What kind of monsters or demons?
What does "mastering Iora" involve?
What kind of power sleeps inside Nox?

3. Weak Character Presence
While Nox and Juro are introduced, their personalities, dynamics, or motivations are not. What makes them worth following? What do they want beyond survival?

Suggestion:
Even 1–2 words of description (e.g., “reckless but gifted Nox” or “loyal, cautious Juro”) can help anchor the reader. Also, what’s at stake for them emotionally? Revenge, redemption, guilt, identity?

4. Pacing and Flow Issues
The progression of ideas is logical (tragedy → survival → power → truth → looming threat), but the transition between the second and third paragraphs is weak. It jumps from training to cosmic threat too quickly without a sense of escalation.

Suggestion:
Bridge the paragraphs with a sentence that connects Nox’s inner journey to the rising external threat. Something like:

“As Nox’s abilities grow, so does the pull of something older and more dangerous than any demon — a force that may not want him to survive at all.”

5. Title Relevance
The title Barrier Fall is intriguing, but its connection to the synopsis is unclear. Is there a literal barrier? A symbolic one? What “falls”? As it stands, it sounds poetic, but lacks narrative clarity.

Suggestion:
Either:

Hint at what the “barrier” refers to in the synopsis, or
Consider a more direct or emotionally resonant title — unless "Barrier Fall" becomes meaningful in context later in the story (which is fine, but should be hinted at here).

Key Questions You Might Need To Answer:

What exactly is Iora? Is it magic, energy, willpower, soul essence?
What’s the central conflict beyond “survival”? Is it internal, moral, ideological?
What are Nox and Juro’s goals — beyond staying alive?
Who or what is the antagonist? (Even vaguely.)

So here's what I thought after reading your chapter 1:
1. Overwriting in Places
There are moments where the prose leans purple — rich to the point of drawing attention to itself. This can slow the pacing during action scenes and dilute emotional impact.

Examples:

“shadows clawing long and jagged”
“hope guttering like a candle in a storm”
“Power rolled off him in suffocating waves, pressing Nox's chest like a vice”

These metaphors are solid individually, but in close proximity, they start to pile up. Readers may feel more aware of the writing than the story.

Fix: Strip a few lines back to let key images land harder. Less is more, especially in high-tension scenes.

2. Pacing vs. Clarity
The action escalates quickly — from forest sparring to full-blown apocalypse in a page or two. While that’s exciting, it also risks reader disorientation. The reader may feel like they’ve been tossed into a climax without setup.

Suggestions:

Consider inserting one grounding beat earlier on — something more about the village, their day-to-day life, or a small detail that makes the loss land harder.
Right now, we don’t know much about the village beyond it being their home. Make us miss it too.

3. Lack of Distinction Between Nox and Juro
While both characters are emotionally reactive and brave, their voices and internal reactions are very similar. That makes it harder to connect to them as distinct protagonists.

Examples:

Both charge into danger.
Both are furious and grieving.
Both fight with fists and instinct.

Fix:

Emphasize their differences in temperament or skill. Maybe Nox is rage-driven, Juro more tactical. Or one leans on power, the other on smarts or speed.
Vary their sensory focus — what does Juro notice that Nox wouldn’t? What scares Juro that wouldn’t scare Nox?

4. The Red-Haired Villain Lacks Impact
He's visually distinct but emotionally flat — we don’t get a sense of why he’s doing this or what kind of threat he represents beyond being evil.

Right now, he’s Generic Evil Guy #1. Even his calmness feels like a stock trope (flames behind him, icy stare, etc.).

Suggestions:

Give him a line of dialogue, even one word. A command. A taunt. Something to spark intrigue.
Hint at motivation: Is this personal? Ritualistic? Is he after Nox? Or something else?

5. The “Storm-Wreathed Figure” Risks Being a Deus Ex Machina
His arrival saves the boys at the last second, but we don’t know who he is, why he’s there, or if he’ll be important. That makes it feel unearned or convenient — even if he’s explained later.

Fix:

Give a hint of recognition — does Juro know this figure from legend? Does Nox feel a strange familiarity?
Or, have the figure appear earlier in the chapter (even in passing), to plant the seed of his presence.

6. Ending Is a Little Abrupt
“Then the world snuffed out” is an evocative line, but without a lead-in or a sense of what happens next, it can feel like the story hit a wall.

Suggestion:

Consider closing on a slightly more personal note. For example, a final thought from Nox, or a line of internal dialogue (“I couldn’t reach her”) before he blacks out. That gives us a stronger emotional anchor heading into Chapter 2.

Right now, the title "Barrier Fall" sounds great, but its connection to Chapter 1 is too vague or metaphorical for most readers to grasp.

In conclusion:
Your still need some work. At most it could only be a rough draft.

Thematic Connection to the Title
The idea of a “barrier” falling — whether literal, magical, or emotional — is not clearly established or referenced. The title feels disconnected from the narrative unless the reader is told what the “barrier” represents.
Overwriting and Density
At times, the prose leans toward purple. Reducing the number of metaphors and sharpening sentence clarity will make emotional and action beats hit harder.
Character Distinction
Nox and Juro feel similar in their reactions and tone. Differentiating their voices, goals, or combat styles would make their bond and decisions more meaningful.
Villain and Mysterious Savior
The red-haired man lacks intrigue or personality beyond being terrifying, and the storm-wreathed figure risks feeling like a deus ex machina. Adding minimal context or hints can increase their narrative weight.
Pacing and Setup
The attack happens very suddenly. Consider a few more lines of calm, normal life — or of foreshadowing — to let the loss of the village land more emotionally.

P.S. Might as well have a read at my prologue. Your start is similar to mine, just that it happens at a different world.

P.P.S. I also see you had decided to get yourself roasted brutally by Tempokai-sama.

BELOW THIS LINE IS FOR SHORGOTH:

Shorgoth said:
Paradise City: Dark Side of the Moon

Hello, I'm new around these parts, though I've been on Royal Road with the same content for a bit now and writing this thing for half my life. Was wondering what you thought about it.

Fair warning, while I do not touch explicit sexuality (it is referenced a lot but not in a smutty way), I do touch on trauma in a really visceral and direct way. I won't judge you if you back off on this one. It's also a weird one; been using AI not for the text but to graft images and songs to it. Also, the text itself is not clean prose; it's raw, realistic speech and structured more like a script to fit the mix of media I employ and cuts the textual narration to focus on the interplays and negative space between images, music and text. It is, by all intents and purposes, highly experimental. In many ways, it feels more like a movie than a novel in structure.

Okayyyyy............ So as I stated before, and I will state here once again:

Any criticism is entirely out of my personal opinion

I really have to make my statement clear here.

So here goes your synopsis:
1. Voice Overpowers Clarity
The voice is compelling but borders on too casual, slang-heavy, and vague, especially for a synopsis meant to inform or attract readers, agents, or editors.

Why it matters: A synopsis needs to tell us what the book is about — plot, stakes, conflict — not just mood and voice.

Examples:

“Dinner ain’t gonna catch herself” – Who or what is “Dinner”? Is this a person, creature, slang for a job?
“Need something to turn my luck ‘round” – What is the inciting incident? What’s the story arc?

Fix: Use Kate’s voice, but anchor it with specific story elements. E.g.:

“I thought this next bounty was just another asshole on the run — turns out he’s got secrets that could blow the whole dome open.”

2. Plot is Too Vague
We don’t know the central conflict or story arc. We know the world is rough, Kate is down on her luck, and she's a bounty hunter — but what happens?

Missing Elements:

What’s the main mission/job that kicks off the story?
Who opposes her? (Antagonist, rival, etc.)
What’s at stake — just survival, or something bigger?

Fix: Add 1–2 lines summarizing the plot thrust:

“When a target leads her into a conspiracy buried in Paradise City’s AI-run infrastructure, Kate must choose between cashing in or burning it all down.”

3. Tone May Alienate Some Readers
The crude, dismissive tone in parts of the content warning — especially “If you're a prude, this book isn't for you” — may come off as confrontational or juvenile.

Why it matters: While edginess is fine (and fitting), antagonizing potential readers or reviewers can backfire. A synopsis should sell the story, not filter readers with attitude.

Fix: Make the content warning sound informed, not annoyed. E.g.:

“Contains crude language, implied sexual content, and morally grey characters. Reader discretion advised.”

That way, it sounds professional without compromising the book’s identity.

4. Title Feels Disconnected
The subtitle “Dark Side of The Moon” is atmospheric, but there’s no clear narrative or thematic connection made in the synopsis.

Does it imply something hidden beneath the domes?
A secret on the literal dark side of the moon?
A metaphor for Kate’s own darkness?

Fix: Either make the connection clearer in the synopsis, or lean harder into the metaphor. You don’t need to spell it out, but even a single line can help:

“...but on the dark side of Paradise, secrets don't stay buried — and neither do ghosts.”

As for your chapter 1:

Your story reads like a hybrid of:
Scriptwriting (dialogue-driven, character-labeled lines like “Kate- Growl” or “Cere-”)
First-person stream of consciousness prose (Kate’s internal monologue dominates)
Stage directions / screenplay actions (e.g. “Kate: Smirks. Raises gun. Pulls trigger.”)
Visual novel or game script dialogue with embedded cues and reactions
Unformatted voiceover monologue mashed up with world exposition and banter
This isn’t a traditional novel. It’s a form-bending narrative that feels:

It felt like a game script (Ex: Cyberpunk 2077).

It's far too unique for me to give a critic.

It's not exactly a webnovel and I really can't give a fine critic based on that.

All I can say is:
It works for webnovel if:

You polish the format for mobile-friendly readability
You pace the story in shorter serial episodes
You keep the character dynamics and neuro-horror edge
You tighten slang and exposition for clarity

It needs adjustments if:

You want to grow a large, casual audience quickly
You plan to post on platforms with strict genre/form preferences

Perhaps you could switch your writing style to webnovel format. That's all I could say.

ZannaYO · Sep 9, 2025

LuciferVermillion said:
Hello all. The madman here.

I'm a writer that constantly gets into a bottleneck during writing. So once in a while I would pop into ScribbleHub forum and start choosing post randomly while giving criticism. I noticed there are many works that got taken by aliens before I get to criticise anything.

Before I continue, please give this a read (especially amateur authors):

So here's what every fresh starter is going to have this idea:

First off, writing is a long process. It's not where you simply have this idea, then you turn it to an unreadable book. It takes months and years to learn how to organise a book, like it's structure, and more so if you aren't talented. If you still wanted to write a story, go ahead. If you don't have the patience to do so, then please leave this place forever and don't bother to ask about feedback.

Do not create a second post and ask for a feedback after a short edit. It's just plain annoying and people would only get disgusted by it.

So after all of this, what is this thread about?

I'm offering you criticism free-of-charge, a somewhat borderline harsh criticism. Well there's also positive feedback if you are worthy to.

First of all, there are genres that I will not accept no matter what, and that is: BL, sex, smut, NTR, fanfic (and possibly other genres that I currently can't think of)

Do that, I will screw you till the end of your life.

If you want a criticism, please attach a link to your work and wait patiently while I spend time racking my brain. I might be gone after a week so do it fast if you want it.

The first chapter already concludes your death if you screwed up-- is what I believed. Are you up to the challenge to take it?

P.S. Any criticism is entirely out of my personal opinion (with the help of AI)

Hello, I'd appreciate it if you looked at my story. It’s tagged with "gender-bender" only because it's a reverse world setting and there isn't a more specific tag for that. Also, I know this is a bit of a cop-out but I think the first couple chapters are probably the weakest and I improved as I kept writing. Keen to hear any thoughts.

Consorts of the Court

(A REVERSE WORLD STORY) In a world where women rule and men serve, Princess Moriya was born to conquer—not just lands, but hearts. Raised in the grandeur of Dyss, the most powerful Queendom on the continent, Moriya is destined to become Queen. But power in a matriarchal empire doesn't...

www.scribblehub.com

Shorgoth · Sep 9, 2025

Yeah, I see the points you are trying to make, but I can't be clearer on the plot. Let's just say there are a few reveals that recontextualize the meaning of the events over time. It's a gradual retroactive reveal like the movie The 6th sense, but with more than one extra layer. I'm not looking for casuals, I'm looking for the "cult status". I chose to be voluntarily abrasive because I do not want people who are easily disturbed by moral complexity to even try it; it isn't for them, and it's not a chakram (all edge and no point XD), teenage slop. It hides a profound study on morality, philosophy and the nature of consciousness from an old man trained in psychology for 30 years' perspective. I could be a bit less abrasive in the synopsis, though, I agree.

I do think you misunderstand how a synopsis can work, though, or should I say your interpretation of it is a bit narrow and simple. Not saying this to diss you to be clear... I just might have more varied experiences on the subject. Ultimately, the goal is to attract the right readers, people who can appreciate it. How doesn't matter that much. By setting it this way, I make the expectations clear: this is not a book that caters to the masses... and I think you got that, but misunderstood it as a bad thing, while it is my stated goal from the start because I do not want to create false expectations, those are more jarring than being upfront about thing. I'm not in this for the narcissistic need to be adulated; I have a message I'm trying to convey, but it can only reach those who have the right life experiences to understand it.

Thanks for taking the time, though, much appreciated.

LuciferVermillion · Sep 9, 2025

ZannaYO said:
Hello, I'd appreciate it if you looked at my story. It’s tagged with "gender-bender" only because it's a reverse world setting and there isn't a more specific tag for that. Also, I know this is a bit of a cop-out but I think the first couple chapters are probably the weakest and I improved as I kept writing. Keen to hear any thoughts.

Consorts of the Court

(A REVERSE WORLD STORY) In a world where women rule and men serve, Princess Moriya was born to conquer—not just lands, but hearts. Raised in the grandeur of Dyss, the most powerful Queendom on the continent, Moriya is destined to become Queen. But power in a matriarchal empire doesn't...

www.scribblehub.com

I was wondering why I was shown with the statistics right off the bat, perhaps it was to scare me. Unfortunately, it's not working. It doesn't stop me from criticising you.

So from your synopsis:
Okay... your synopsis is very strong for your target genre. However, there are things you could improve on:

1. Ambiguity in Conflict
While the tone and theme are excellent, the central conflict is vague. You're hinting at danger and ambition, but not giving enough specifics to emotionally hook readers.

Suggestion: Add a clearer catalyst or stakes. For example:

"...But when a scandal threatens to strip her of the throne before she even wears the crown, Moriya must outwit her rivals and bind loyalty not through fear—but desire."

A little hint of “what’s at stake” will pull in readers deeper.

2. "Born to Conquer" Feels Generic
The line:

“Princess Moriya was born to conquer—not just lands, but hearts.”
...feels cliché and a bit too Young Adult (YA).

This is your opening line — it needs to stand out more.

Alternative:

“In a queendom where power lies with women and beauty is a man’s only armor, Princess Moriya was taught to rule with steel—then seduction.”

Or:

“Crowned in silk but raised for war, Princess Moriya must tame not just her court, but the men who would sway it.”

Give the intro a twist that sets the tone and feels fresh.

3. The “Reverse World” Label Feels a Bit On-the-Nose

(A REVERSE WORLD STORY)

This is useful for metadata, tags, or web search, but visually, it can cheapen the polish of an otherwise elegant synopsis.

Suggestion: Use a tag line instead:

“Where women rule and men obey…”
or
“A matriarchal empire where hearts are weapons—and men are the prize.”

Then leave the "reverse world" label for platform tags or a short author note.

4. Genre Conflict (Romance vs Political Intrigue)
You're threading two genres:

Political coming-of-age
Reverse harem slow-burn romance

Both work together, but readers might be confused on which is the primary.
Suggestion: Prioritize one in the blurb more clearly.

For example:

If romance is primary: focus more on the reverse harem dynamics.
If politics/power fantasy is primary: emphasize the stakes in court and ascension.

Currently, it feels balanced but a little vague.

As for your Chapter 1:
1. Pacing & Structure

The chapter moves very slowly. Nearly the entire thing is exposition and setup, with little present action or tension. Most of it is told in long blocks of narration or dialogue about customs and rules rather than showing these dynamics unfold through conflict.
The tension around Moriya’s father being denied regency is good, but it fizzles quickly—he essentially shrugs it off. You could heighten this by showing a confrontation with the council, or Moriya overhearing a heated exchange. Right now it reads too "safe."

Fix: Introduce more immediate drama in Chapter 1. Maybe open with Moriya at her mother’s funeral or overhearing the council’s debate, rather than starting with a broad summary of her childhood. That way, the reader is thrown straight into her emotional upheaval.

2. Over-Exposition & Repetition

The text overexplains the gender dynamics of Dyss multiple times. We’re told repeatedly that “men are not suited to leadership,” “men are not destined for roles of power,” “Moriya finds this strange,” etc. The reader gets it the first time—repetition dulls the impact.
Instead of spelling it out, show how these biases manifest in interactions. For example: let Moriya witness men being excluded in real time, or hear a cutting remark about her father at court.

Fix: Trim the exposition about gender roles by half. Trust your reader to pick up on the cultural inversion with fewer reminders.

3. Dialogue Realism

Dialogue sometimes feels too polished and explanatory, like characters are speaking to the reader instead of naturally to each other. For instance:

“It is a radical idea—that men might take up roles meant for women.”
That sounds like a council report, not something a grieving father would whisper to his daughter.

Click to expand...
Moriya herself sometimes speaks too maturely for a 15-year-old. She questions tradition in a logical, articulate way that feels slightly out of character for someone raised in isolation with stories and games.

Fix: Roughen the dialogue. Let the father dodge questions more evasively, or Moriya push back in a more emotional, childlike way (“But you’re smarter than her! Why can’t you do it?”).

4. Characterization

Moriya feels more like a lens for explaining Dyss than like a living, breathing character. We know her schedule, her new lessons, her complaints—but not what makes her unique. What’s her personality beyond “dutiful but reluctant”? What little quirks or flaws does she have?
Lady Sumi risks being a flat “stern regent” archetype. She could be more interesting if we got even one unexpected trait (e.g., a dry wit, secret tenderness, or political cunning).

Fix: Drop in small details that show who Moriya is—what stories does she cling to, how does she rebel in little ways, what private beliefs or fantasies make her different from her peers?

5. Prose & Style

Sometimes it drifts into telling instead of showing:

“Her studies included history, military tactics, economics…”
This feels like a list rather than storytelling.

Click to expand...
Some descriptions lean generic: “His hand lingered,” “Her thoughts turned to her father.” These could be sharpened with more sensory detail.

Fix: Convert summaries into moments. Instead of “She studied military tactics,” show her struggling to remember formations while a tutor scolds her.

6. Stakes & Hook

By the end of Chapter 1, we don’t yet know what Moriya wants beyond vague discomfort with her new life. That makes it hard to feel invested in her arc. The only looming event is the concubine selection, which feels more cultural detail than pressing plot.
Without a clear, immediate conflict or goal, the reader may drift away.

Fix: Clarify her inner drive early. Does she secretly want to rule despite the council’s doubts? Does she long for freedom from duty? Is she quietly plotting to keep her father close? Whatever it is, let the reader feel it clearly.

But to congratulate, you had strengths worth keeping:

The worldbuilding
The father-daughter bond feels tender and sets up emotional stakes.
The writing is clean and accessible, with strong thematic potential (duty vs. self, tradition vs. progress).

P.S. Feeling a little threaten by your statistics. So am here to brag about my over 300k drafted word count.

BELOW THIS LINE IS FOR SHORGOTH:

Shorgoth said:
Yeah, I see the points you are trying to make, but I can't be clearer on the plot. Let's just say there are a few reveals that recontextualize the meaning of the events over time. It's a gradual retroactive reveal like the movie The 6th sense, but with more than one extra layer. I'm not looking for casuals, I'm looking for the "cult status". I chose to be voluntarily abrasive because I do not want people who are easily disturbed by moral complexity to even try it; it isn't for them, and it's not a chakram (all edge and no point XD), teenage slop. It hides a profound study on morality, philosophy and the nature of consciousness from an old man trained in psychology for 30 years' perspective. I could be a bit less abrasive in the synopsis, though, I agree.

I do think you misunderstand how a synopsis can work, though, or should I say your interpretation of it is a bit narrow and simple. Not saying this to diss you to be clear... I just might have more varied experiences on the subject. Ultimately, the goal is to attract the right readers, people who can appreciate it. How doesn't matter that much. By setting it this way, I make the expectations clear: this is not a book that caters to the masses... and I think you got that, but misunderstood it as a bad thing, while it is my stated goal from the start because I do not want to create false expectations, those are more jarring than being upfront about thing. I'm not in this for the narcissistic need to be adulated; I have a message I'm trying to convey, but it can only reach those who have the right life experiences to understand it.

Thanks for taking the time, though, much appreciated.

I see, so it was a story meant for birds of a feather flock together, like two peas in a pod.

I do think you misunderstand how a synopsis can work, though, or should I say your interpretation of it is a bit narrow and simple. Not saying this to diss you to be clear... I just might have more varied experiences on the subject. Ultimately, the goal is to attract the right readers, people who can appreciate it.

Well, now. Because I wasn't the same bird or pea. And I believe what you meant was Blurb, not synopsis.

Shorgoth · Sep 9, 2025

Yes, sorry, lapsus about the synopsis thing. I indeed meant blurb.

I'm not exactly looking for peas in a pod... more for people with specific, difficult personal circumstances to offer them a way out from the point they are now. Truthfully, a lot of the advice I strewn around is valid for everyone, but the starting point is harsh and uncompromising.

ZannaYO · Sep 9, 2025

LuciferVermillion said:
I was wondering why I was shown with the statistics right off the bat, perhaps it was to scare me. Unfortunately, it's not working. It doesn't stop me from criticising you.

So from your synopsis:
Okay... your synopsis is very strong for your target genre. However, there are things you could improve on:

1. Ambiguity in Conflict
While the tone and theme are excellent, the central conflict is vague. You're hinting at danger and ambition, but not giving enough specifics to emotionally hook readers.

Suggestion: Add a clearer catalyst or stakes. For example:

A little hint of “what’s at stake” will pull in readers deeper.

2. "Born to Conquer" Feels Generic
The line:

This is your opening line — it needs to stand out more.

Alternative:

Or:

Give the intro a twist that sets the tone and feels fresh.

3. The “Reverse World” Label Feels a Bit On-the-Nose

This is useful for metadata, tags, or web search, but visually, it can cheapen the polish of an otherwise elegant synopsis.

Suggestion: Use a tag line instead:

Then leave the "reverse world" label for platform tags or a short author note.

4. Genre Conflict (Romance vs Political Intrigue)
You're threading two genres:

Political coming-of-age

Reverse harem slow-burn romance

Both work together, but readers might be confused on which is the primary.
Suggestion: Prioritize one in the blurb more clearly.

For example:

If romance is primary: focus more on the reverse harem dynamics.

If politics/power fantasy is primary: emphasize the stakes in court and ascension.

Currently, it feels balanced but a little vague.

As for your Chapter 1:
1. Pacing & Structure

The chapter moves very slowly. Nearly the entire thing is exposition and setup, with little present action or tension. Most of it is told in long blocks of narration or dialogue about customs and rules rather than showing these dynamics unfold through conflict.

The tension around Moriya’s father being denied regency is good, but it fizzles quickly—he essentially shrugs it off. You could heighten this by showing a confrontation with the council, or Moriya overhearing a heated exchange. Right now it reads too "safe."

Fix: Introduce more immediate drama in Chapter 1. Maybe open with Moriya at her mother’s funeral or overhearing the council’s debate, rather than starting with a broad summary of her childhood. That way, the reader is thrown straight into her emotional upheaval.

2. Over-Exposition & Repetition

The text overexplains the gender dynamics of Dyss multiple times. We’re told repeatedly that “men are not suited to leadership,” “men are not destined for roles of power,” “Moriya finds this strange,” etc. The reader gets it the first time—repetition dulls the impact.

Instead of spelling it out, show how these biases manifest in interactions. For example: let Moriya witness men being excluded in real time, or hear a cutting remark about her father at court.

Fix: Trim the exposition about gender roles by half. Trust your reader to pick up on the cultural inversion with fewer reminders.

3. Dialogue Realism

Dialogue sometimes feels too polished and explanatory, like characters are speaking to the reader instead of naturally to each other. For instance:

Moriya herself sometimes speaks too maturely for a 15-year-old. She questions tradition in a logical, articulate way that feels slightly out of character for someone raised in isolation with stories and games.

Fix: Roughen the dialogue. Let the father dodge questions more evasively, or Moriya push back in a more emotional, childlike way (“But you’re smarter than her! Why can’t you do it?”).

4. Characterization

Moriya feels more like a lens for explaining Dyss than like a living, breathing character. We know her schedule, her new lessons, her complaints—but not what makes her unique. What’s her personality beyond “dutiful but reluctant”? What little quirks or flaws does she have?

Lady Sumi risks being a flat “stern regent” archetype. She could be more interesting if we got even one unexpected trait (e.g., a dry wit, secret tenderness, or political cunning).

Fix: Drop in small details that show who Moriya is—what stories does she cling to, how does she rebel in little ways, what private beliefs or fantasies make her different from her peers?

5. Prose & Style

Sometimes it drifts into telling instead of showing:

Some descriptions lean generic: “His hand lingered,” “Her thoughts turned to her father.” These could be sharpened with more sensory detail.

Fix: Convert summaries into moments. Instead of “She studied military tactics,” show her struggling to remember formations while a tutor scolds her.

6. Stakes & Hook

By the end of Chapter 1, we don’t yet know what Moriya wants beyond vague discomfort with her new life. That makes it hard to feel invested in her arc. The only looming event is the concubine selection, which feels more cultural detail than pressing plot.

Without a clear, immediate conflict or goal, the reader may drift away.

Fix: Clarify her inner drive early. Does she secretly want to rule despite the council’s doubts? Does she long for freedom from duty? Is she quietly plotting to keep her father close? Whatever it is, let the reader feel it clearly.

But to congratulate, you had strengths worth keeping:

The worldbuilding

The father-daughter bond feels tender and sets up emotional stakes.

The writing is clean and accessible, with strong thematic potential (duty vs. self, tradition vs. progress).

P.S. Feeling a little threaten by your statistics. So am here to brag about my over 300k drafted word count.

BELOW THIS LINE IS FOR SHORGOTH:

I see, so it was a story meant for birds of a feather flock together, like two peas in a pod.

Well, now. Because I wasn't the same bird or pea. And I believe what you meant was Blurb, not synopsis.

Thank you for the feedback. I'll be sure to take it onboard for editing.

I'm a little confused by your mention of "statistics"? Could you explain what that refers to? Do you mean word count?

LuciferVermillion · Sep 9, 2025

ZannaYO said:
Thank you for the feedback. I'll be sure to take it onboard for editing.

I'm a little confused by your mention of "statistics"? Could you explain what that refers to? Do you mean word count?

Because I was shown of this instead of synopsis.

ZannaYO · Sep 9, 2025

LuciferVermillion said:
Because I was shown of this instead of synopsis.
View attachment 40979

Oh! I don’t know why that happened, sorry! It definitely wasn't intentional. My bad.

Cookiez_N_Potionz · Sep 11, 2025

LuciferVermillion said:
Not sure if you remember, but I gave you a feedback on 11th February 2025 when you posted on [Just a little feedback would be nice, thank you}.

I can see you made changes afterwards, and posted again on [Honest Feedback would be nice, thx}, just to be completely ignored.

Now that you are here after 8 months, let's see how much you've improved.

Now then, let's go with your synopsis:
Unfortunately, your synopsis failed to present your story.

1. Clarity and Focus: What’s the hook?

What's the unique "LitRPG" element here?
You mention the Knight System, but we don’t get a sense of how the LitRPG mechanics work—stats, leveling, classes, quests, etc. For fans of the genre, that’s a big draw.

Suggestion: Add one or two lines that briefly hint at how the Knight System functions or how it's gamified. That will ground the genre more clearly.

2. Stakes and Conflict: Why does it matter?

The synopsis hints at big events (siblings in comas, supernatural roles, secret destiny), but the stakes feel a bit abstract.

Suggestion: Clearly state what’s at risk if Collin doesn’t act. For example:

3. Characterization: Who is Collin, really?

“Football player with a heart of gold” is very broad and generic. Try to show something more distinctive or unexpected about Collin.
(What makes him a “Maverick” at heart?)

Suggestion: Include a small character contradiction or strength that makes him feel real.

4. Structure and Pacing: Needs more momentum

The first few sentences are exposition-heavy and passive. Try to start with the inciting incident or something emotionally grabbing.

The transition between “siblings in coma” and “moves to a new school” and then “accidentally unlocks a system” feels too fast and disconnected.

Suggestion: Streamline the narrative to build tension and connect the events more causally. Something like:

5. Tone and Word Choice

Some phrases are a little cliché or vague (e.g. “easygoing life,” “no more tricks in their playbook,” “realize they’re childhood friends”).

Suggestion: Use more specific, evocative language to make it feel fresh. Avoid filler phrases like “But it wasn’t an accident…” unless they lead to a stronger revelation.

Here's an example you could refer (Don't use this or I will find you and hunt you down):

Five Systems. Five Royal Families. One hidden war.
Seventeen-year-old Collin Rex is a star football player with a haunted past—and when his siblings mysteriously fall into comas, his family moves back to the town they swore they’d left behind. There, Collin stumbles into a reunion with Helena, a cryptic girl from his forgotten childhood.
Soon after, he unlocks the Knight System, a powerful interface of stats, skills, and supernatural quests. But it wasn’t by chance—Collin was chosen years ago to become a Maverick: one of five guardians tasked with keeping the peace between the mortal and supernatural realms.
Now, with forces stirring in the shadows and Helena hiding dangerous secrets of her own, Collin must master his new powers and uncover the truth behind his family's curse—before the Systems collapse and reality rewrites itself.

Moving on to Chapter 1:
You've improved. But not enough-- it's far from enough. From how I read, I could even say it's barely a pass. What you are doing now is basically telling a story, not showing. We don't need to read a book that tells us a story. Do you know why readers read novels? Because we needed the story to be immersive.

1. Tone & Tense Consistency

The chapter jumps inconsistently between past and present tense, which can confuse readers.

Fix: Stick to past tense for narration unless a present-tense shift is intentional for effect.

Example:

2. Exposition vs. Immersion

A lot of early information is told instead of shown, which slows pacing. For example, the info about his siblings' illness and the move is presented up front instead of revealed naturally through action or dialogue.

Fix: Let the reader discover info through emotional beats and context. Consider cutting or trimming the paragraph that starts with “It's been a week and Collin still didn't understand…” and integrating that info into the dinner scene.

3. Characterization of Collin

Collin feels like a placeholder at times. We get surface details (football, sad, vitiligo), but not much about his voice or deeper personality. What does he think of Kismet City? What are his unique traits, quirks, contradictions?

Fix: Show Collin’s thoughts and personality through his reactions more. Is he sarcastic? Wistful? Angry? Playful? Give him more interiority.

4. Clunky or Repetitive Phrasing
Some phrases feel either awkward, repetitive, or could use a polish. Examples:

5. Scene Transitions & Pacing

The transition from emotional dinner to supernatural encounter is too abrupt. Readers may feel like they’ve switched genres in a single paragraph.

Fix: Add a bridge. Maybe Collin has a brief memory flash as he eats. Or describe the atmosphere of the house more at night. Build that eerie tension gradually.

As a bonus, I will throw in a line-by-line critic:

Opening Paragraph:

Tense inconsistency. You're writing in past tense, so “It’s” should be “It had been.”

Also, "visit" is the wrong verb — they're moving back, not just visiting.

Fix:

This is telling, and “everything was fine” is vague and passive.

Instead, show how things changed. What did he lose?

Fix (example):

Be more immersive and vivid. Give the school more atmosphere or tone.

"Highschool" should be "High School".

Fix (example):

(Consider adding Collin’s internal sarcasm or mood to give voice.)

Middle Section:

“Felt a pang in his heart” is overused and vague.

This is a chance to show mood and setting.

Fix (example):

This reads like a character sheet drop-in. Find a smoother way to integrate description.

Fix (example):

Everything felt weird. Collin doesn't remember squat about Kismet City...

I mentioned above, tense issue: “doesn’t” should be “didn’t.”

"Everything felt weird" is vague. Be more specific.

Fix (example):

Dialogue with Dad:
The conversation feels stiff and unnatural. Try to write how people actually talk, especially when emotional.

You don’t need “with sadness”—we should feel it from the words or tone.

Also, try something more real: frustration, helplessness, grief.

Fix:

Let the dad respond with humanity, not exposition.

Scrapbook Scene:

Build suspense more deliberately. Try sensory details and pacing.

Fix (example):

Let the sounds build suspense. Don’t rush to the reveal.

Be more specific. Where did it fall from? How does it smell? Is the paper faded?

Fix (example):

“Different-colored eyes” is a bit awkward. Try something smoother.

Fix:

Example rewrite (Do not use this):

August, 2011

It had been a week, and Collin still didn’t understand why they had come back to Kismet City.

His parents said it was for a “change of pace.” To help him focus. To cope. But nothing about this fog-choked town made sense. Not the sudden move, not the rented house, not the way they tiptoed around any mention of his siblings.

Especially not that.

Last year, his brother and sister just… stopped waking up. No warning, no symptoms, no answers. Collin remembered the sirens. The sterile hospital room. The silence that came after.

And now he was here. Starting over at a school nicknamed Graveyard High because of all the horror movies filmed in the woods behind it.

Then again, try reading my prologue and get the idea.

Woah, your pretty good and yeah...I kinda forgot you reviewed my Webnovel. Guess I still need practice and sorry about my grammar.

Those examples were awesome and very encouraging!

I'm on a once in a while, criticism spree

Well-known member

The sadist & madman

Moving on to the 3rd part:​

1. Overwriting & Redundancy & Confusing phrases​

Well-known member

Moving on to the 3rd part:​

1. Overwriting & Redundancy & Confusing phrases​

Friendly Saurian Neighbor

The sadist & madman

WARNING - CONTAINS DEPICTIONS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE​

Structural / Narrative Issues​

Prose / Style Issues​

Characterization Issues​

Pacing Issues​

My suggestions:​

New member

Member

Friendly Saurian Neighbor

WARNING - CONTAINS DEPICTIONS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE​

Structural / Narrative Issues​

Prose / Style Issues​

Characterization Issues​

Pacing Issues​

My suggestions:​

Rank: Moon Leo

The sadist & madman

New member

The sadist & madman

Active member

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The sadist & madman

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Active member

The sadist & madman

Active member

Rank: Moon Leo

Moving on to the 3rd part:

1. Overwriting & Redundancy & Confusing phrases

Moving on to the 3rd part:

1. Overwriting & Redundancy & Confusing phrases

WARNING - CONTAINS DEPICTIONS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE

Structural / Narrative Issues

Prose / Style Issues

Characterization Issues

Pacing Issues

My suggestions:

WARNING - CONTAINS DEPICTIONS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE

Structural / Narrative Issues

Prose / Style Issues

Characterization Issues

Pacing Issues

My suggestions: