I will judge your book by its cover (pic, title, blurb and few pages) –– AI ASSISTED WORKS ARE WELCOME –– CLOSED (3/3)

[Rosica]

Got it both you. I'll read it today.
Judge @Rosica you can go ahead if you want

I'm not a judge. Torah law prohibits a woman from holding public office.

 

[Bimbanana]

I'm not a judge. Torah law prohibits a woman from holding public office.

But the hebrew bible also mentioned Deborah, a judge and leader around 12th BC

 

[Rosica]

But the hebrew bible also mentioned Deborah, a judge and leader around 12th BC

The entire thing is filled with contradictions. Just follow what is the most convenient to you.

 

[Bimbanana]

Really, I appreciate it if you still doing it

As Vice President, I order you to review my story and give me your honest opinion, or you'll lose your MBG quota.

Edit: Just kidding.

Grim Mirth: The Clown System

Jack Wilson was just an ordinary clown — the kind you might see at a children's party or a small park performance. Until the day he woke up in another person's body… in a world that was not his own. A world where danger hides in the shadows, and extraordinary beings...

www.scribblehub.com

Aight, next.

Please sit down and have a water first.

Regarding your novel:

1. Title:
Its good. Its proper litRPG and instantly piqued my interest since there's a clown in it. No, i'm not talking about you @Pennywise

2. Cover:
I'm not sure what you want to aim here. Your cover is not that pretty and yet also too pretty for your synopsis. And the circus also doesnt really stand out. So I dont think this cover will help you much on getting traction. You need to think of something else.

3. Synopsis:
Ok here's the problem:

Spoiler: blurb 1

Until the day he woke up in another person's body… in a world that was not his own.

A world where danger hides in the shadows, and extraordinary beings walk unseen beneath the ordinary sun.

You don't need to be poetic here. Because this is a very basic isekai trope. So it doesnt sell anything.

Spoiler: blurb 2

Armed with nothing but a clown-themed system, where laughter and screams are the fuel of power — Jack has only one way to survive:

He must perform.

Meanwhile this one is something that you should elaborate more. Dont hold yourself. The clown system is the most unique hook here, go sell it. Go clowning around. (Still not talking about you @Pennywise )

The only part that good for me is your closing paragraph at the end. Oh speaking about paragraph, your synopsis still feel weird because of the staccato-like

4. Story:
...I see staccatos.
No no, this is unacceptable. You like staccato? yes, me too. But only use staccato on very important moment. Not everywhere.
Try to imagine your chapters in your own language. There's no way you not finding it "weird". Also put some --- for the separation between scenes. I cannot read much because of the whole staccatos. Here's an example to use staccato on the moment that you want to emphasise:

Spoiler: example

Holy aura meant many things on Talvaris. To most races, it felt warm. Comforting. Like standing in sunlight filtered through stained glass.

To demons—

“HISSSSS!!!”

A wave of hissing tore through the demons audience.

When you use it all the time, you lose the charm of the staccato itself.

Spoiler: forbidden thingy

5. AI Wise:
1. Try only gave sageGPT 300-400 words on every message.
2. When you found the response that you're satisfied from it, said lock this rules and send me the rules that i can copy-paste (so you can save the writing assistance manually when the ai misbehaved)
3. Yeah the AI will definitely misbehave and forgotting the rules like 2 out of 5. So you need to carefully read and fix what they gave to you manually after.

So that's all. Since you're still relatively new, I recommend you stop continue writing a new chapter and edit everything first. You still havent found your own style. You will find it during the editing.

But remember, this is only a one orc's opinion. Toodle do~

 

[Erysion]

So that's all. Since you're still relatively new, I recommend you stop continue writing a new chapter and edit everything first. You still havent found your own style. You will find it during the editing.

If you still haven't found your own style even after that, I suggest you visit Solo's Wailing Wall and ask guidance from the Rabbi.

 

[ThirstyWater]

Aight, next.

Please sit down and have a water first.

Regarding your novel:

1. Title:
Its good. Its proper litRPG and instantly piqued my interest since there's a clown in it. No, i'm not talking about you @Pennywise

2. Cover:
I'm not sure what you want to aim here. Your cover is not that pretty and yet also too pretty for your synopsis. And the circus also doesnt really stand out. So I dont think this cover will help you much on getting traction. You need to think of something else.

3. Synopsis:
Ok here's the problem:

Spoiler: blurb 1

Until the day he woke up in another person's body… in a world that was not his own.

A world where danger hides in the shadows, and extraordinary beings walk unseen beneath the ordinary sun.

You don't need to be poetic here. Because this is a very basic isekai trope. So it doesnt sell anything.

Spoiler: blurb 2

Armed with nothing but a clown-themed system, where laughter and screams are the fuel of power — Jack has only one way to survive:

He must perform.

Meanwhile this one is something that you should elaborate more. Dont hold yourself. The clown system is the most unique hook here, go sell it. Go clowning around. (Still not talking about you @Pennywise )

The only part that good for me is your closing paragraph at the end. Oh speaking about paragraph, your synopsis still feel weird because of the staccato-like

4. Story:
...I see staccatos.
No no, this is unacceptable. You like staccato? yes, me too. But only use staccato on very important moment. Not everywhere.
Try to imagine your chapters in your own language. There's no way you not finding it "weird". Also put some --- for the separation between scenes. I cannot read much because of the whole staccatos. Here's an example to use staccato on the moment that you want to emphasise:

Spoiler: example

Holy aura meant many things on Talvaris. To most races, it felt warm. Comforting. Like standing in sunlight filtered through stained glass.

To demons—

“HISSSSS!!!”

A wave of hissing tore through the demons audience.

When you use it all the time, you lose the charm of the staccato itself.

Spoiler: forbidden thingy

5. AI Wise:
1. Try only gave sageGPT 300-400 words on every message.
2. When you found the response that you're satisfied from it, said lock this rules and send me the rules that i can copy-paste (so you can save the writing assistance manually when the ai misbehaved)
3. Yeah the AI will definitely misbehave and forgotting the rules like 2 out of 5. So you need to carefully read and fix what they gave to you manually after.

So that's all. Since you're still relatively new, I recommend you stop continue writing a new chapter and edit everything first. You still havent found your own style. You will find it during the editing.

But remember, this is only a one orc's opinion. Toodle do~

Thanks, i will do it

 

[Bimbanana]

If you still haven't found your own style even after that, I suggest you visit Solo's Wailing Wall and ask guidance from the Rabbi.

ah i forgot to mention. Usually after you think you have the style you like. You'll stop liking it in a month or two and do re-edit again. And same thing happen again the following month. again... and again... and again....

 

[Erysion]

ah i forgot to mention. Usually after you think you have the style you like. You'll stop liking it in a month or two and do re-edit again. And same thing happen again the following month. again... and again... and again....

Someone will also say the style you like read like AI. You'll have to re-edit it again or ignore them.

 

[Rosica]

Someone will also say the style you like read like AI. You'll have to re-edit it again or ignore them.

Read like AI is subjective. It's not a valid criticism. Everyone perceives it differently.

 

[ThirstyWater]

Thanks for the advice guys

 

[Bimbanana]

Hello

English is not my first language, and while I understand it, I'm not yet at a level to write a full novel. I write in my native tongue and use a specific translation prompt from a trusted source to move it into English. I supervise every sentence. If the AI changes a concept or a vibe, I step in and fix it. I don’t use AI for fluff or to farm words. Every idea, plot point, and character beat is mine. The AI is just my translator.

I started this as a fan of anime and production with a dream to create my own work. I began with zero experience, learning through the act of writing itself. After 78 chapters, I’ve realized how much I’ve grown-to the point where I almost wished I had waited to start. But I’m committed to finishing this as my first true forge. I recently wrote Chapter 0 (Prologue) specifically to help readers endure the protagonist's initial extreme weakness in the early chapters.

I’ve spent countless hours visualizing the world of Orvalis and its lore. It's a 100% original world built from my imagination.

It’s a tale of revenge. Prince Ken was stripped of his name and throne, and now he’s back to overturn the table. I know the revenge trope might seem overused, but I didn’t even know it was a trope when I first dreamt of this story. I’m relying on my own creativity to make it feel fresh and personal.


I’m not worried about being called cliche or unoriginal in a world full of rising stories. My only fear is that the work won't even get a fair chance because of the language barrier or my lack of experience. This is my first step into the world of novels, and I’m doing it with no safety net.
Take your time. Whether it’s a public roast or a private DM, I am ready for the truth.
Thank you, from a fellow beginner.

The Prince's Rise from the Shadows.​

in Webnovel , Royal road, and first chapters in scribble hub​

Okay, last one.

I cant find your novel in SH so i look at the RR one

1. Cover
Recommend to make it brighter. For the simple reason of its too dark when someone scrolling through a line of colorful novel cover. Other than that, design is fine.

2. Title
No problem here.

3. Synopsis
Well personally i think you being poetic is fine here. Just minor recommendation: Put the first three paragraph into one. So the "He didn't" part will be delivered stronger.

4. Early Story:
Well, you have a lot that needs to sorted out here.

Spoiler: Story 1

In a world where kingdoms were built on the pillars of glory and tradition, where every prince was born to be a symbol of his nation's future, the Kingdom of Orvallis proudly displayed its golden thrones and majestic palace. Its corridors stretched like passageways holding the secrets of generations past. Colossal cedar doors, decorated with gleaming copper, and marble staircases reflecting the sun at every sunrise, served only as a stage for showing power—not for rest or peace.

Four years ago:

Early one morning, as the first rays of sunlight filtered through the tall palace windows, illuminating the carefully laid tiled floor, the fourth prince, Ken Val Orvallis, walked hesitantly across the great hall. His body was thin, his black hair falling over his eyes, hiding the constant fear and confusion within. His head was bowed, hands clasped in front of him, as if each movement carried the weight of silent guilt.

Your first paragraph doesnt have real function here. First sentence is something that usually put on a synopsis, second sentence (location description) is something that usually put later on.

But the most turn off is: Then you cut it with "Four Years ago". No, this is a bad storytelling structure.

Recommendation: Its much better if you just start the story with the "Early one morning, as the first rays of sunlight" paragraph. Your current structure is like.... hmmm.... If this is a three course meal, you gave your customer the main course first, then desert, then appetizer. You got what i mean?

Spoiler: story 2

Adrian Val Orvallis, the eldest, 25, tall and strong with natural dignity, dark brown hair and sharp eyes. He commanded attention without needing to speak.

Leon Val Orvallis, 22, tall and handsome, with a confident gaze, known for both intelligence and skill in battle.

Darius Val Orvallis, 19, athletic, with blue eyes sparkling with competitiveness, and a voice full of confidence and ambition.

Iliana Val Orvallis, the youngest, 15, green-eyed with long blond hair, intelligent and kind, though she rarely interfered in her brothers' disputes.

I think your problem is you are being... what's the word... over-descriptive. No need to infodump everything in the start otherwise it becoming a description list like above. The difference between a novel and a anime, you're not required to show everything to your audience on the first glance here. Be patient and take your time.

Also your first chapter is way too short. There's no hook in there. If there's someone said "Your first chapter is way too long", i'd say "screw words count on the first chapter. The important thing is hook, hook, hook," (But please dont make it 6000 words also, that's too much).

Spoiler: story

Ken woke up at dawn, as he had for years, only to witness the same familiar scene: the first rays of sunlight slipping through the curtains of his room, a cold breeze drifting in from the garden, and the ornate walls reflecting the palace's false tranquility—while his heart remained heavy with fear and unease.

He rose slowly from his bed, his frail body stiffened slightly, and his hesitant steps carried him toward the grand dining hall. Upon entering, he greeted softly:

"Good morning…"

But, as always, no one answered.

Leon smirked mockingly.

"Ah… seems Ken is still lost in his little dream."

This one also weird, you don't give any separation line or anything here. So its weird that at first Ken was alone, then suddenly Leon smirk at him.

Overall, everything feels robotic on your first two chapters. I believe this is not solely AI issue, but mostly because you yourself being over descriptive, and AI will only mirroring you.

Remember, we are building novel here not an anime or movie, so stop trying to explain everything at one time.

But then again, remember. This is only a one orc's opinion

Edit: Uhh... the boar is me btw, an orc. No intention to give you something haram

 

[S__Aether]

Okay, last one.

I cant find your novel in SH so i look at the RR one

1. Cover
Recommend to make it brighter. For the simple reason of its too dark when someone scrolling through a line of colorful novel cover. Other than that, design is fine.

2. Title
No problem here.

3. Synopsis
Well personally i think you being poetic is fine here. Just minor recommendation: Put the first three paragraph into one. So the "He didn't" part will be delivered stronger.

4. Early Story:
Well, you have a lot that needs to sorted out here.

Spoiler: Story 1

In a world where kingdoms were built on the pillars of glory and tradition, where every prince was born to be a symbol of his nation's future, the Kingdom of Orvallis proudly displayed its golden thrones and majestic palace. Its corridors stretched like passageways holding the secrets of generations past. Colossal cedar doors, decorated with gleaming copper, and marble staircases reflecting the sun at every sunrise, served only as a stage for showing power—not for rest or peace.

Four years ago:

Early one morning, as the first rays of sunlight filtered through the tall palace windows, illuminating the carefully laid tiled floor, the fourth prince, Ken Val Orvallis, walked hesitantly across the great hall. His body was thin, his black hair falling over his eyes, hiding the constant fear and confusion within. His head was bowed, hands clasped in front of him, as if each movement carried the weight of silent guilt.

Your first paragraph doesnt have real function here. First sentence is something that usually put on a synopsis, second sentence (location description) is something that usually put later on.

But the most turn off is: Then you cut it with "Four Years ago". No, this is a bad storytelling structure.

Recommendation: Its much better if you just start the story with the "Early one morning, as the first rays of sunlight" paragraph. Your current structure is like.... hmmm.... If this is a three course meal, you gave your customer the main course first, then desert, then appetizer. You got what i mean?

Spoiler: story 2

Adrian Val Orvallis, the eldest, 25, tall and strong with natural dignity, dark brown hair and sharp eyes. He commanded attention without needing to speak.

Leon Val Orvallis, 22, tall and handsome, with a confident gaze, known for both intelligence and skill in battle.

Darius Val Orvallis, 19, athletic, with blue eyes sparkling with competitiveness, and a voice full of confidence and ambition.

Iliana Val Orvallis, the youngest, 15, green-eyed with long blond hair, intelligent and kind, though she rarely interfered in her brothers' disputes.

I think your problem is you are being... what's the word... over-descriptive. No need to infodump everything in the start otherwise it becoming a description list like above. The difference between a novel and a anime, you're not required to show everything to your audience on the first glance here. Be patient and take your time.

Also your first chapter is way too short. There's no hook in there. If there's someone said "Your first chapter is way too long", i'd say "screw words count on the first chapter. The important thing is hook, hook, hook," (But please dont make it 6000 words also, that's too much).

Spoiler: story

Ken woke up at dawn, as he had for years, only to witness the same familiar scene: the first rays of sunlight slipping through the curtains of his room, a cold breeze drifting in from the garden, and the ornate walls reflecting the palace's false tranquility—while his heart remained heavy with fear and unease.

He rose slowly from his bed, his frail body stiffened slightly, and his hesitant steps carried him toward the grand dining hall. Upon entering, he greeted softly:

"Good morning…"

But, as always, no one answered.

Leon smirked mockingly.

"Ah… seems Ken is still lost in his little dream."

This one also weird, you don't give any separation line or anything here. So its weird that at first Ken was alone, then suddenly Leon smirk at him.

Overall, everything feels robotic on your first two chapters. I believe this is not solely AI issue, but mostly because you yourself being over descriptive, and AI will only mirroring you.

Remember, we are building novel here not an anime or movie, so stop trying to explain everything at one time.

But then again, remember. This is only a one orc's opinion

Edit: Uhh... the boar is me btw, an orc. No intention to give you something haram

Thank you so much for this honest and detailed critique. To be fair, you aren’t the first to point out these structural issues; I’ve received similar feedback from other critics who read further into the novel.

Your "one orc's opinion" was actually the final push I needed. I’ve realized that the foundation of this story has too many gaps to be fixed with simple edits. To reach the professional global standard I’m aiming for, I’ve decided to stop the serialization of this work.

I won't delete it, as it’s my first step into this world, but I’m going to take a step back to study the craft, improve my storytelling structure, and learn how to balance my descriptions.

As someone with experience, do you think this "stopping and resetting" is the right move for a beginner who wants to go professional? Or is it better to try and "rewrite" the same story from scratch immediately?

I really appreciate your time, and your boar analogy was actually quite funny!

 

[HydraScribe_1]

Man i keep missing these. Being a new author with english as fourth language is pretty hard *Cries* T_T

 

[Rosica]

I really appreciate your time, and your "haram" boar analogy was actually quite funny!

Not only it's haram. It's also not kosher.

Man i keep missing these. Being a new author with english as fourth language is pretty hard *Cries* T_T

Your first to third language must be a local one. Another Son of Solo? Our Rabbi is also bad at English.

 

[Bimbanana]

Thank you so much for this honest and detailed critique. To be fair, you aren’t the first to point out these structural issues; I’ve received similar feedback from other critics who read further into the novel.

Your "one orc's opinion" was actually the final push I needed. I’ve realized that the foundation of this story has too many gaps to be fixed with simple edits. To reach the professional global standard I’m aiming for, I’ve decided to stop the serialization of this work.

I won't delete it, as it’s my first step into this world, but I’m going to take a step back to study the craft, improve my storytelling structure, and learn how to balance my descriptions.

As someone with experience, do you think this "stopping and resetting" is the right move for a beginner who wants to go professional? Or is it better to try and "rewrite" the same story from scratch immediately?

I really appreciate your time, and your boar analogy was actually quite funny!

Uhh, i'm also still a beginner, many other here way more experienced.

But i think you can answer that by considering your own mood. If you think forcing doing rewrite now will ruin your spirit, then do the other one and pick this one again in the future.

Man i keep missing these. Being a new author with english as fourth language is pretty hard *Cries* T_T

Too bad, if the first 3 are international, you can get a good job easier.
Just check my previous reviews and their works, i think whatever their language is, many encountering the same problems that had similar solutions.

Aight time for me to go back to my story

 

[HydraScribe_1]

Not only it's haram. It's also not kosher.


Your first to third language must be a local one. Another Son of Solo? Our Rabbi is also bad at English.

Loll they are French, Arabic and a local that sounds and writes suspiciously like ancient Greek lmaoooo

 

[Rosica]

Loll they are French, Arabic and a local that sounds and writes suspiciously like ancient Greek lmaoooo

I was under the impression that they are Aramaic, Arabic, and Hebrew.

 

[HydraScribe_1]

I was under the impression that they are Aramaic, Arabic, and Hebrew.

Lol nah, it was like just put the languages in a blender and see what I get.