Giving feedback based on the first 3 chapters of your story(closed)

sleepandeatallday

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Sooo.... I've been bored recently and wouldn't mind reading a few chapters to go on a journey to find new engaging novels.
Though be aware, I'm not really great at giving feedback and sometimes I might get frank.... like calling your mc bland as a papercup level frank. (sorry) I'd just give a general view on what I felt while reading the chapters.

I prefer horror, thriller, romance genre.
Please no fanfics.
also please no harem
 
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Fairemont

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Here is one of mine. It has some horror elements, though not particularly at this point.
 

Nevafrost

A stupid and foolish daughter
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Here goes my unpublished novel-nya

Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

"What"s happening?"

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?"Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

"We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind."

"I see you are interested in war, my dear," King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling.

"I'm so proud of you." Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast."

"That"s normal though." They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

"Don"t you think they will find out?"asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out," said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

"It"s not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out," Aylin said, looking kind of worried.

"Iris?"Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, "Is there anything on your mind?"

"Yes, you have been really silent," Elina mocked her.

"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened."

"Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?" Aylin looked worried.

"Did I tell you it was a nightmare?"

"I can tell," she smiled warmly, "now, tell us what you dreamt about."

"It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible."

"Was it the same thing you saw last time?"

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream."

"That"s spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist," Harlin suggested.

"Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist."

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.

There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

"Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It"s interesting."

"I knew you would love it," Alison warmly smiled at her.

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,"she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, "Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high." Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

"Will you two stop your dogfighting?"Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such brusqueness. We shall never disappoint you again." Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.

"I'm not your mother."

"But you sure don"t let me feel the absence of my mother." Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.

"Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris"s desk?"

Alison hurried away.

"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom."

...

Later that afternoon,

"We should pack for tomorrow," Harlin said taking a sip from the golden trimmed pink tea cup.

"What are you gonna pack? Makeup kit?" Elina asked as she munched on her apple pie, Cathyon sitting on her lap as she played with her brown hair.

"You know the answer, Eli. By the way, aren’t you gonna pack some food for you?"

"Oh, thanks for the reminder! I gotta ask Brandy for some snacks to carry."

Iris was there reading a book called 'War and Runes', too intent on reading to notice the bickering.

Aylin sat there quietly sipping tea and adoring the beauty of her favourite flowers— violet, iris and whatnot. The western wind was tender against her pale skin. The cool bridge carried the smell of flowers into the tea pavilion.
...
 

sleepandeatallday

[An eldritch deity]
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Here is one of mine. It has some horror elements, though not particularly at this point.
Oki I'm glad I decided to give feedbacks cause I would've normally never chosen to read a magical girl trope. I never realized it'd be so fun and interesting! That said, I read the first 3 chapters and if I had to rate it out of 10... I'd give it a 8.5.

The characters, especially female lead was quirky and memorable. Now that I have read the first 3 chapters I have a tiny issue and endless curiosity! It's very engaging and reeled me right in!

ok, so this might be my first time reading a magical girl trope, so be patient with me. The world-building seemed a bit wishy washy... I mean I can't decide if it's an ordinary modern day setting or a dystopian world cause on one hand you have 'The bleed' popping out dangers and there's existence of magical girls, essentially I equated them a superheroes of some sort. This feels dystopian cause there's power imbalance between those magical girls and those normal humans, yet no one is freaking out (atleast in the first 3 chapters), where is the corrupt or paranoid government? Where are those cult fanatics claiming it's doomsday.

Everyone there seemed so used to it and I get it. The bleed has been going for a long time, and that's what makes it strange. Where are those curious attention seekers trying to sneak into the bleed? Why is there no magical girl attempting world domination? Why are they so willing to hide their identities? I mean if it were me, everyone on my social media would've known that I was the chosen one.

And the most important question! Why aren't they being paid!!? I demand a magical girl nationwide protest!!!






for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.
Talking to birds!!? Might as well go ahead and learn how to cue in a disney song and sing and dance in the middle of ...nowhere? So far it seems like they are attending a fancy castle in an aristocratic world... in which hierarchy means everything.

That being said, I read the chapter and it needs a grammatical revision! QAQ

Also the opening was a banger. Fire. Scream. Just all the elements to pull me in. Besides the opening, there wasn't much that interested me. (sorry QAQ) Probably because I had no clue what was happening. Felt like someone forced me to watch a movie but instead of the whole movie from the starting, I was made to watch it from the middle when half of the plot has passed.

It grew boring in the middle, probably too much filler with less information.(sorry again if it sounds a bit mean QwQ) All I knew was there were 4 princesses and that's it. The only memorable person I could remember was Iris... and then her name later got changed somehow to Irees. That's a major error.

But the point is, I had no clue which character is which? How they look? What are their traits. You introduced too many people but gave no description of what they looked like, which made it confusing and dull.

Also I know it's only an unpublished first chapter, but it'll be dull if there's no worldbuilding. All I know is they were discussing a war and goes to an academy and are planning something. This was all told in so brief when this should be detailed on to rouse curiosity of the reader (wait... did I really say that!!!? Waaah I sound so professional!). That said, the overall story sounds interesting. I'd like to read more given that each characters have their own personality and quirks. You emphasized a lot on their dialogues with each other to deem them as anything other than an important side character would be an atrocity.
 
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Bane89

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If you're still bored I'd appreciate any thoughts on the first few chapters of mine.

 

AsherCrown

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Please look at this.
 

katakellex

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Thank you if you take the time reading this. Main components of this story appealing to you will be romance, and there are some hints of thriller, though not much.

As a heads up, this is my first publishing, so be free to give criticism and harsh feedback.
 

sleepandeatallday

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If you're still bored I'd appreciate any thoughts on the first few chapters of mine.

I loved it! Literally I loved it so much that initially I went in to read the 3 chapters, and then it piqued my interest so well that I just had to read all of it! It was a pleasant surprise since I normally refrain from reading European Aristocracy based stories.

What I most liked about the story is how the characters seemed to draw out my emotions. Liriel isn't an op fmc! She has her traits, both good and bad. She has her habits and it makes her likeable.

The chapters were so engaging and well the twist at chapter 3 was so good that I knew then and there that I just had to read one more chapter.

And the worldbuilding is decent too, unfolding at a gradual pace.

Now, for the curious reader question:
It struck me odd that elves had strict nobility amongst themselves too. I had always viewed them as a neutral nature loving race so it seems so unusual seeing them co-exist with a greedy race such as humans. Humans couldn't even tolerate each other, what makes them tolerate elves?
 

Avarice_Of_The_Seven

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Here's mine.

Do note that one of the two Protagonists may seem bland at first and a bit abnormally apathetic. I know that but I have no choice since his traits make him seem that way.
 

sleepandeatallday

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you! You'd not be getting any feedback! I can't believe you never told me about this fic before! How dare you keep it away for so long!!! Now don't you dare slack off! I'm gonna read each chapter and by the time I catch up, it should be completed!

Also I have a personal grudge against your mc! How dare he not save the cat!
Please look at this.
oki! So I read a few chapters and if I had to rate it I'll rate it 7/10

The first chapter reels you in, literally. Your writing is charmingly so effective that even I felt the nostalgia reading about the happy family. How detailed you were with each chapter, it's simply marvelous!

That said... why! why make me suffer with angst! I loved the family! So evil! You deliberately gave us fluff before ripping it away! QAQ



As for the rest of the story feedbacks that were requested, it'd take some time, I need my beauty sleep! >.<
so please be patient!
 
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Bane89

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Hello! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my chapters, I’m really glad they pulled you in.
I was honestly laughing at your live reactions; they were a joy to read and super helpful for seeing which moments landed the way I hoped.

As for your question, I’d love to answer it, but the book will explain it in due time and I don’t want to spoil my own twists.

Thanks again for giving my story a chance!
 

AsherCrown

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you! You'd not be getting any feedback! I can't believe you never told me about this fic before! How dare you keep it away for so long!!! Now don't you dare slack off! I'm gonna read each chapter and by the time I catch up, it should be completed!

Also I have a personal grudge against your mc! How dare he not save the cat!

oki! So I read a few chapters and if I had to rate it I'll rate it 7/10

The first chapter reels you in, literally. Your writing is charmingly so effective that even I felt the nostalgia reading about the happy family. How detailed you were with each chapter, it's simply marvelous!

That said... why! why make me suffer with angst! I loved the family! So evil! You deliberately gave us fluff before ripping it away! QAQ



As for the rest of the story feedbacks that were requested, it'd take some time, I need my beauty sleep! >.<
so please be patient!
Thankyou. I really needed that support.
 

Bimbanana

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you! You'd not be getting any feedback! I can't believe you never told me about this fic before! How dare you keep it away for so long!!! Now don't you dare slack off! I'm gonna read each chapter and by the time I catch up, it should be completed!
How could you!
You've read my tragic villain backstory and not giving feedback?!
Hmph! This is why i prefer dogs :blob_catflip:
 

sleepandeatallday

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How could you!
You've read my tragic villain backstory and not giving feedback?!
Hmph! This is why i prefer dogs :blob_catflip:
Tragic!!? That man is anything but tragic!
Thank you if you take the time reading this. Main components of this story appealing to you will be romance, and there are some hints of thriller, though not much.

As a heads up, this is my first publishing, so be free to give criticism and harsh feedback.
okay, so I read a couple 4-5 chapters and so far I loved it! How you described the mc, his emotions though seemed a bit lacking. I'm not saying there were no emotions but It felt as if he's just going with the flow. The party members abandoned him, there's no resentment for someone who admired them so much. His sister died, and although there is some guilt and I liked how you stated how free he felt, but it was all done very briefly. So although it has a amazing plot and storytelling, the emotions are done in very brief.

Also the introduction of the Female lead seemed a bit hasty. I like how she stopped him from immediate death but their bond seemed more like an elder sister and younger brother than romantic afflictions. Her personality seemed all based on repaying her savior and that's it. There's not much that stands out about her in the 5 chapters I read. My entire impressions of her was this lady who's wanting to repay her savior. I don't know much about her emotions, her thoughts. Is her only purpose to repay the mc?
 
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katakellex

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Tragic!!? That man is anything but tragic!

okay, so I read a couple 4-5 chapters and so far I loved it! How you described the mc, his emotions though seemed a bit lacking. I'm not saying there were no emotions but It felt as if he's just going with the flow. The party members abandoned him, there's no resentment for someone who admired them so much. His sister died, and although there is some guilt and I liked how you stated how free he felt, but it was all done very briefly. So although it has a amazing plot and storytelling, the emotions are done in very brief.

Also the introduction of the Female lead seemed a bit hasty. I like how she stopped him from immediate death but their bond seemed more like an elder sister and younger brother than romantic afflictions. Her personality seemed all based on repaying her savior and that's it. There's not much that stands out about her in the 5 chapters I read. My entire impressions of her was this lady who's wanting to repay her savior. I don't know much about her emotions, her thoughts. Is her only purpose to repay the mc?
Again, thank you so much for reading the chapters.

Your main issue with the chapters you've read so far are the lack of emotions expressed by the main character, and your absolutely right. The thing is, I wanted to write it more from a realistic pov rather than actually writing it like a novel, hence the lack of emotions.

I pictured irl, the mc would just focus more on the imminent pain in his eye and in saving his sister, that he momentarily pushes the mistreatment from his party members away.

The female lead does not have much backround in the first few chapters she's introduced, but later, a little about her has been told. As for if she's just helping him to repay a favour or not, you just have to find out on you're own. It's a Mystery novel, after all.
 
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sleepandeatallday

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Three chapters is just the right amount because my story is divided into 3-chapter story arcs. I'm in the middle of posting arc #2 and already working on #3 because I like working with a buffer. And yeah, take your time.

oki! I read it. Only read 3 chapters that is arc 1.
ok so I'll be honest! It got me fired up. I was hyped cause the plot and storyline sounded amazing. The mc, introduced as the unlucky... perhaps the unluckiest guy in the world trying to woo his lady love sounded like cherry on top deal except that while reading, I found mc to be very contradictory.

Are you trying to pass him as your average unlucky guy in a coming of age story? Or one of those cool guys in the anime or a simp for melissa.
After reading 3 chapters, I still don't get what he likes about the female lead? He said he was wary of how perfect she was, and then found out that she's keeping a mask of politeness for people... and then after that, he quickly develops a crush as they started talking more. Seemed really hasty cause the reader has no idea of their interactions much. How things developed as they were.

Now coming to the female lead, Melissa, she's a whole another pandora box! She fits every stereotype list of a common romantic based female lead. She's perfect, popular, people like her... but that's all a mask and that she often nags and rants about others to mc. Which is not bad, but then it's rarely depicted. Her clashing personality is just treated as a means for mc to get acquainted with her and that's it. It makes her really bland. It feels as if her traits were only giving to her so that she can highlight the mc's own self. It's a bit disappointing that someone that could become equally important is just restricted so much.

I really like how every 3 chapters form a arc. The story premise was amazing and I love a good coming of age story.
That said... sorry! If I might sound a bit harsh...:blob_pat_sad:
 
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12Silver

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Ok I don't have three chapters uploaded but I could talk about the idea is quite gen record to new world and blah blah the issue is I cannot find a plot which can actually be called a centre theme for the novel

 
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