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Endless War: Elementalist
RATING: Would not Keep Reading
The writing made it clear I wouldn't keep reading right off the bat, so let's just do some editing:
Firon, a curious 5-year-old, It's incredibly weak to stop your story just to tell us expository information like this. Especially if it's information that could be easily delivered through the text or information we simply don't need. played with his ball So "Firon played with his ball" is the core idea here, but it doesn't tell us much. What kind of ball, how was he playing, how near the woods? If you give us more info, then the audience's imagination gets to play along. I might think, 'oh, he's going to hit the ball into the woods and that's how the story starts.' And even if that doesn't happen that's okay, because you've engaged me in that one sentence. near the woods. Boredom struck, Don't just have things happe 'cause. It's never "And then character did XYZ". You need to write "Because this thing happened, character did XYZ." What you've constructed is completely aribtrary and doesn't amount to story telling. prompting him to venture into the forest despite his mother's warning. Like this. Quick way to set expectatations. As he explored, See how much better this reads if we delete that? Don't reestablish info, we know he's going through the woods. the vibrant flora and fauna captured his attention, making him oblivious to the increasing distance from home. Just kind of week. You could say something like: 'The further he got, the prettier it became". let your audience draw it's own conclusions. Lost in the beauty of nature, I think you're on the right track, but this is completely redundant with the previous sentence. Intorduce something new he can be interrupted with. Firon suddenly Bit of a filler word. Unless it was ongoing and he suddenly heard, but that doesn't appear to be your intent. heard distant cries. Concerned, he followed the sound until he reached the river. Why THE river? Is it special. Does he know it?; he shouldn't know it since you sesem to be saying he shouldn't be around these parts. There, he discovered a Once again, he's at the river. If you just say a girl wept on the other side, we understand that he is discovering it. girl weeping on the other side. "Hey, are you okay? Why are you crying?" Firon called out. Suspicion tinged the girl's reply, "Why do you ask, and who are you?" Really odd framing. He's the one lost in the woods, why is this girl suspicious. Also, it's framed on his perspective, why are we suddenly finding out what's in her head? Does the MC find her tone this way? Why would he think that?
Here, can I get you to take a look at a new story that I'm working on.
Damian Reed is an ordinary man trapped in the mundane cycle of a dead-end job he despises. His days are filled with monotonous tasks and a sense of unfulfilled potential. Empire City, his home, is a sprawling urban jungle where the extraordinary is rarely expected. One fateful afternoon, during...
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RATING: Middle of the Road so Would not Keep Readings
THE GOOD
I think you started off strong. The writing met the level and you had some characterization-- as a starting point, I understood who Damien was, his environment, and what he needed in life.
I also found the hook interesting. What I expected was a portal fantasy. Oh no, he's dead and in another world. But this promised to be a bit more interesting than that.
THE BAD
As things progressed, we quickly ran into some issues:
The characterication never progressed. In fact, you started repeating information. I know Damien is over worked and underapprciated. . . and then what. Either we need to advance these ideas with new tangents or to deepen them, or we can cut out the repitition.
The writing also got more clunky. There were sections that could be edited down, rephrased, punch up descriptions, etc.
Fu Ran is a Peak Master of An Xian Yun Peak. He has been struggling with insomnia ever since he obtained his spiritual weapon, Shi Wei Ji. This silver blade brought with it dreams of the future: nightmares and horrors of his own death. Most of these death’s are...
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If you would be willing! Thank you so much for your time
RATING: Would not Keep Reading
The biggest issue here is that I didn't connect with anything. In a story that is presumptively heavy character based, we didn't get a lot of character work here. Little dialogue and most everything what conveyed through the MC's thoughts and circumstances-- most of which were not interesting.
Some of the writing got a little confusing. The big offender was
two men were connected by a tightened fist. Had to reread the entire dream section with some context to get it.
And then pacing. This would probably be a different story if we had intersting or deep character beats, but I was just spending my time waiting for anything. I really wasn't sure what I was meant to connect to. Zhi was the only person remotely interesting, and that was by virtue of being active. In any other context the scene of him bursting into the bed room would have been overdone, but in this context I was glad to have somebody that wanted something and was working to get it.
OVERAL
Focus more on characters.
