Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)

[shadowniy]

no problem i do appreciate the chance and like i said i understand

 

[ATTICLover]

Symphonia: Rebel Against the World of Machines and the Sleepless Cities of Rhythms! | Royal Road

"The night city is always glimmering with life isn't it? Millions of lights, all of them feels alive at night and they pulse their heart for one reason. It's Music!" -Martin Forth, The Soundtrack of Defiance (3rd Live Concert ver.) The Musical Revolution had began after the rumor of an ancient...

www.royalroad.com

I would like to know how I fair as well.

What I'm writing is the prologue of the story so the other half of my synopsis will happen after the build up.

In the first chapter you'll see immediately that it was written like a content creator video documentary.

I experimented trying to introduce my world and the vibes by putting the reader in a perspective of a social media user and also the term "newborn" (something similar to clones but not really) for readers to see the oppression of the common folk in the eyes of the most relatable yet also the chaotic neutral people, the terminally online addicts.

I put quotations of inside world references that exist in that world's media to increase that immersive feel.

For me, I have mixed feelings to what I've written. I think it is unique and can be used but I don't know if I became overly descriptive immediately at the first chapter.

 

[Hmyu]

Ineffecient prose to the point I thought it might be a running gag.

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

I didn't get that far but I still feel I can comment on the length. It's too long because of how wildly ineffeicient the prose is.

LINE EDITS

In Under? "In" just invokes inside to me and I can't for the life of me see the phrasing work. a huge archway made of dark marble, two humans stood before a giant wooden arched redundant door with beautiful carvings of winged creatures both beautiful and especially creatures seem extremely vague here. What creatures? The creatures themselves are beuatiful? The carving technique? and a circle formed with half of the moon and half of the sun. Which are both cricles. Is it just two identical semi circles?

The two humans They made a sardonic scene. DO NOT tell your audience how they should feel about a scene. Why is it sardonic? What could you even write here to justify that word? They were centered Weak. And redundant. you've established that they are before the doro around a spacious archway presented with a huge door, This is a complete rewrite of the first paragraph. I don't understand why this sentence is here unless its froma draft you didn't edit down giving an overwhelming atmosphere. Same deal. Don't tell you're audience how to feel. Why is it overwhelming? Describe things that would make your audience feel overwhelmed. Don't just say, "Hey reader, you're overwhelmed now." You could, and should, cut this entire paragraph. Not only would you lose nothing, it would make your work stronger.


The door slowly opened outward in the middle. Very confusing verbage. If it opens in the middle then it's not a door but two doors. This leads to me to ask fundamental questions like: why did we think this was a door? Likewise, if it is a surprise that it's opening in the middle you could build that up more: "A crack snaked down the center. The two slabs of conrete each began to move outwards." That's really basic but at least it's something. A huge gust of wind blew at why at? Isn't it blowing through the gap? the tiny open gap. Also weak. You aren't describing an expanding crack here. Not to mention, by taking so long to describe things, it doesn't feel like the door is opening anymore. The wooden door scraped the marble floor, making a painful sound. describe it ya bastard.

The two humans fought against the wind, with the half-open door assaulting their ears. You are splitting your modifiers. The door isn't hurting their ears, I guess it's the wind They pushed through the gap gap would be appropriate here if you had never used it before. As is, all we know is that it is tiny which doesn't make much sense., entering a huge chamber. This is a little tip that will take everyone up a full tier in their writing: Don't tip your hand. Just immeadiately describe how big it is without starting us off with a summary of the description we're about to read. The size of the room submerged ?? Maybe you meant subsumed? sound, words were pulled down by the weighted pressure presented by the chamber. I acutally really like this last clause; it's perfect, assuming we get rid of that tail end. We understand we are in a chamber. And presented is such non-verb. It doesn't add.

OVERALL

Really focus on your sentence construction and the clarity of your language.

Actually forgot I even asked here lol, but thanks for the advice, I have changed those days ago but FINALLY! as in FINALLY! I get what the fuck is the problem with my prose is, people just always say my prose sucks without really giving even a single example, thank you, oh and if you can tell me if there is any way you do your analisizing, do you just read it over and over trying to look for the tiniest problem or can you just tell immediately?

 

[LesserCodex]

Hear ye, hear ye. The old thread is dead, long live this thread. (It can be found here)

After two years+, I am unable to edit the very first post and update my "Best of List" shoutout, so I have created a new thread.

The Rules are the same. Submit a link to your first chapter (or prologue) and I will give you a critique as well as a rating. There are no requirements and I will read anything. If I miss your story, it was by accident- just send me a message.

THE V2 BEST OF LIST

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/
5. A Meeting of the Ways https://www.scribblehub.com/series/700231/a-meeting-of-the-ways/

Be Sure to Check out my Other Thread for my Youtube Channel
https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

I shall partake in your kindness, sir.

A Tamer’s Adventure - [1] A great failiure | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Takiemina]

As terrified as I can be for seeing how most of the other reviews turned out, I still want to know what you honestly think about my work. It is definitely not objectively good but everyone is trying their best, and I could not let a good critique slide. Thank you so much for the opportunity and for being such a kind-hearted soul, making the community feel welcome. <3

Venus Garden Resort & Spa - Chapter 1: Keep the Door Closed on Halloween | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Verdant]

I have yet to have posted my novel to one of these threads, so here goes.
I also sort of reworked chapters 1-9 since I slightly changed genres (steampunk). I completely changed the dialogue and wording and in my opinion, made it less worse.

Aperol Spritz [HIATUS] - Chapter 1 | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[LoneQuack]

Hope you give this a try. Its my first work ever and I would like to improve at my writing

- Chapter 1 So it Begins | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Symphonia: Rebel Against the World of Machines and the Sleepless Cities of Rhythms! | Royal Road

"The night city is always glimmering with life isn't it? Millions of lights, all of them feels alive at night and they pulse their heart for one reason. It's Music!" -Martin Forth, The Soundtrack of Defiance (3rd Live Concert ver.) The Musical Revolution had began after the rumor of an ancient...

www.royalroad.com

I would like to know how I fair as well.

What I'm writing is the prologue of the story so the other half of my synopsis will happen after the build up.

In the first chapter you'll see immediately that it was written like a content creator video documentary.

I experimented trying to introduce my world and the vibes by putting the reader in a perspective of a social media user and also the term "newborn" (something similar to clones but not really) for readers to see the oppression of the common folk in the eyes of the most relatable yet also the chaotic neutral people, the terminally online addicts.

I put quotations of inside world references that exist in that world's media to increase that immersive feel.

For me, I have mixed feelings to what I've written. I think it is unique and can be used but I don't know if I became overly descriptive immediately at the first chapter.

If it's not hosted on scribble hub, just post on my RR thread.

Actually forgot I even asked here lol, but thanks for the advice, I have changed those days ago but FINALLY! as in FINALLY! I get what the fuck is the problem with my prose is, people just always say my prose sucks without really giving even a single example, thank you, oh and if you can tell me if there is any way you do your analisizing, do you just read it over and over trying to look for the tiniest problem or can you just tell immediately?

I can generally tell off the bat. Rarely I'll catch my mind wandering and then double back to discover why, but that's only like 10% of the time.

I shall partake in your kindness, sir.

A Tamer’s Adventure - [1] A great failiure | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

I made it a full page but was generally confused. Lot's of passive sentences and no real focus.

LINE EDITS

It hurt like hell. To call it a mind-splitting headache would be an understatement. Good start, I was hopefull here.

He quivered his tail, and his ears flopped down. this is a new paragraph. We don't know who he is, I re-read it three times trying to figure out if the "he" was even connected to P1. Martyn was in theoretical hell. Likewise, who is Martyn? There are two characters? Or is Martyn the he? If This is only one character, why would you use a pronoun AND THEN introduce the name; that's backwards. In front of him was a charred circle of grass. Who is "him"? Is him Martyn or is him 'he'?

“Fuck!” He hissed like a cat, Same complaints. I have no idea who is in this scene. Doubly, the "like a cat" is throwing me. The previous paragrah has cat like qualities that weren't explained. Is he or is he not a cat? If he's not, what does the start of P2 represent? remembering the waste of materials.

A summoning circle wasn’t cheap; all that money and help had gone down the drain, only for a sudden wave of pain to assault him. completely redundant. At that moment, he regretted opting to summon we can assume it's his choice, just say "he regretted summoning. . ." a monster to bond with.

[You have gained a multitude of titles! Your skill “strong mind” has levelled up!]

And then there was the system, not caring for the situation, sounding in his mind as packets of memories unloaded. This can't be understood linearly.

As terrified as I can be for seeing how most of the other reviews turned out, I still want to know what you honestly think about my work. It is definitely not objectively good but everyone is trying their best, and I could not let a good critique slide. Thank you so much for the opportunity and for being such a kind-hearted soul, making the community feel welcome. <3

Venus Garden Resort & Spa - Chapter 1: Keep the Door Closed on Halloween | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Would not Keep Reading.

I'm going to go ahead and do some line edits since there was some general confusion, but there was also good writing here so I wouldn't get too down on yourself.

LINE EDITS

There was nothing else in the entire universe but her, for she was the universe. Her dark brown hair had highlights like Jupiter, her hands were cold like Neptune, her body curvy and mesmerising like Saturn’s rings, and her eyes were whole galaxies of brown and yellow shining brightly of their own accord. Sophie Riviere pressed her hand against her cheek, feeling the heat of her lover as she smiled. Phenominal start. Reads smooth, paints a pictures with a creative motiff, and communicates their relationship in a highly effective way. If I was doing a single paragraph feedback thread, this would have gone on the best of list.

“What are you thinking about so profoundly?” she mocked, I would intorduce Aramina's name right away now. You used a lot of pronouns in the first paragraph and need to transition us into a solid foundation; I would go as far as to say that Sophie needs to be the subject getting pinched here unless you want to introduce Aramina at the end of the last paragraph. pinching Sophie’s nose. “We should get back to cooking. At this rate, we will be dining past midnight.” Speaking of smooth transitions, this is odd. The initial paragraph is very amorous and now they are cooking? Were they in bed together in the first paragraph? Why was Sophie caressing her cheek while they cooked?

Sophie did not answer but moved out of the way so Aramina could get down from the counter she was previously sitting on. This is adding to my confusion. Is this related to P1? Why was Aramina on the counter and what does that have to do with a hand on her cheek? She carefully observed as What does this add? We could cut it and just have a simple sentence about Aramina getting back to work. Aramina put her pink apron back on and tied her dark hair in a sloppy ponytail. Then she took the green apron sitting on a dining chair and extended it in Sophie’s direction. Their fingers brushed slightly as Sophie grabbed it off her hand, What does this communicate? The only thing I can think of with this kind of signifier is a new relationship or not a relationship at all when they are still very shy, but the other signifiers are that this couple is already in love and going to cook together which makes the shyness confuing. One thing I've been thinking is if you made the "observed" as well as this note to be intentional. She's not just observing her put an apron on, she's looking at her ass. She's brushing her finger's against Aramina's. That would tell us more about Sophie as opposed to random facts just happening. ready to mimic her actions. unclear. The only thing I can think is that Aramina is teaching her how to cook? Whatever it is, it could be delivered more clearly.

Before they could even change their attention to the tagliatelle boiling in the pan, Aramina’s phone rang. She quickly reached for the dining table and put it on speakerphone. First, the other person was silent, probably waiting for Aramina to say something, but she just sighed. Maybe some transition would be usefull, but this is a lot of words to say nothing.

“It’s Rina, Mom,” she corrected. I'm looking at these fine details trying to decipher the scene and the characters relationships. Why is the Mom getting her daughter's name wrong? We're replacing one nickname from the other and they both seem to be based on the full name. “But you don’t have to worry, I won’t go out. Soph’s here to keep an eye on me.”

Aramina giggles as she notices tense swap Sophie’s flustered face and winks still present extravagantly, making Sophie even more nervous.

“Don’t give Sophie too much work, I know you can be pushy when you want to. I still can’t believe that blessing of a child ended up falling in your love trap—” The overall idea might be solid (Mom embaressing daughter in front of girlfriend), but that is not something any human being would say, at least not in English. The heck is a love trap

Sophie just shrugged, adding the beef to the sauce. Aramina pressed her lips together before struggling to transfer the pasta to a different recipient. Cooking pasta is not necessarily a tough task, but anything remotely related to food has been difficult for Aramina since she almost burned the house down to make scrambled eggs. At least she has not had a reason to take care of any cooking since she moved out of her mother’s house to live with Sophie, who is known for her perfect pasta alla carbonara. I'm running long, so I'll just say that this entire paragraph is a weird amalgam of tense issues, communication issues, and things that dont' make sense.

 

[TheTrinary]

I have yet to have posted my novel to one of these threads, so here goes.
I also sort of reworked chapters 1-9 since I slightly changed genres (steampunk). I completely changed the dialogue and wording and in my opinion, made it less worse.

Aperol Spritz [HIATUS] - Chapter 1 | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

THE GOOD

The premise is interesting enough and you build on it with interesting details. On a tehcnical level, I would normally just dive into something like this and line edit, but I was engaged and made it halfway before losing steam.


THE BAD

Massive tense problems, switching between present and past.

Put your dialogue tags with the dialgoue. This could almost be a stylistic choice, but let's not go breaking the rules as you struggle to adhere to the basics.

Weird, choppy flow. Focus on a variety of sentence lengths. This also applies to stylistic motiffs. Like your first paragraph: This is fine, I guess. Earth’s cogs (parts) have deteriorated so much from pollution that striking a deal with (likely) 4th dimensional octopus alien people is a good idea. Actually, this sounds FUN, innit? Probably… Continually using these one word phrases,, parenthesis, etc. gets stale.

OVERALL

Interesting, but not so interesting to make up for the flaws and get me to the end.

 

[TheTrinary]

Hope you give this a try. Its my first work ever and I would like to improve at my writing

- Chapter 1 So it Begins | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Back to basics.

Honestly just very dull writing-- sharpen it up.

The entire story book opening feels like a joke. It's so vague and kind of pointless. Treat it like a short story. Have build up and payoff. Yes, keep it short, but use the space effictively to make a clear point. Here, it's just fluff to put some world building in the back ground.

The more I looked at him, the more I was reminded of my younger self. While he was only five and I’m well over fifty, the similarities were right there. This is mostly redundant to the first sentence, but you're trying to squeeze in ages akwardly. Foremost, we shared the same chestnut hair, and we also shared the same hazel-colored eyes. This is just bizarre. Not only are you awkwardly trying to sneak in appearance, but it creates the wrong picture. I assumed they looked like each other because they were parent and child/ grand parent and grand child. But lo and behold, there is no reason for this comparison to be made because they literally have nothing to do with eachother.

‘…what? Hey! That’s more than one, okay!? When he gets older, we’ll share the same beard, just wait!’ And then we get to this next sentence. The heck? They AREN'T related, so why the actual heck. Why would the child look like him when he gets over. And then the style, there hasn't been an ounce of playfullness to the tone, and then you turn around and make a weird meta comment to the audience.

At first, the number was in the tens why so vague, but for the past eleven years I’d I have been here, the number had had + verb is past progressive. It's for an indefinite amount of time. You can't use had plus 11 years. You also can't use had if he's still here. dropped drastically why, and by now the only remaining orphan is Cain. Speaking about tense is hard too, because what is the tense. Is it past or is it present. You swap.

Honestly, it was not as amazing of an achievement as one may think. Asmit’s End wasn’t very populated and once I came and introduced the orphanage, the people refrained from throwing away their children. Literally no idea what you're trying to communicate here. Small towns naturally throw children in the dumpster? The people (who were throwing the children in dumpsters) saw the orphans as super valuble and were releived there was an orphanage?

OVERALL

Fairly nonsensicle. Poorly thought out ideas that don't line up.

 

[Verdant]

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

THE GOOD

The premise is interesting enough and you build on it with interesting details. On a tehcnical level, I would normally just dive into something like this and line edit, but I was engaged and made it halfway before losing steam.


THE BAD

Massive tense problems, switching between present and past.

Put your dialogue tags with the dialgoue. This could almost be a stylistic choice, but let's not go breaking the rules as you struggle to adhere to the basics.

Weird, choppy flow. Focus on a variety of sentence lengths. This also applies to stylistic motiffs. Like your first paragraph: This is fine, I guess. Earth’s cogs (parts) have deteriorated so much from pollution that striking a deal with (likely) 4th dimensional octopus alien people is a good idea. Actually, this sounds FUN, innit? Probably… Continually using these one word phrases,, parenthesis, etc. gets stale.

OVERALL

Interesting, but not so interesting to make up for the flaws and get me to the end.

I am so happy to know that a good reviewer doesn’t want to read my novel anymore. Thanks for this feedback, will take note

 

[LoneQuack]

RATING: Back to basics.

Honestly just very dull writing-- sharpen it up.

The entire story book opening feels like a joke. It's so vague and kind of pointless. Treat it like a short story. Have build up and payoff. Yes, keep it short, but use the space effictively to make a clear point. Here, it's just fluff to put some world building in the back ground.

The more I looked at him, the more I was reminded of my younger self. While he was only five and I’m well over fifty, the similarities were right there. This is mostly redundant to the first sentence, but you're trying to squeeze in ages akwardly. Foremost, we shared the same chestnut hair, and we also shared the same hazel-colored eyes. This is just bizarre. Not only are you awkwardly trying to sneak in appearance, but it creates the wrong picture. I assumed they looked like each other because they were parent and child/ grand parent and grand child. But lo and behold, there is no reason for this comparison to be made because they literally have nothing to do with eachother.

‘…what? Hey! That’s more than one, okay!? When he gets older, we’ll share the same beard, just wait!’ And then we get to this next sentence. The heck? They AREN'T related, so why the actual heck. Why would the child look like him when he gets over. And then the style, there hasn't been an ounce of playfullness to the tone, and then you turn around and make a weird meta comment to the audience.

At first, the number was in the tens why so vague, but for the past eleven years I’d I have been here, the number had had + verb is past progressive. It's for an indefinite amount of time. You can't use had plus 11 years. You also can't use had if he's still here. dropped drastically why, and by now the only remaining orphan is Cain. Speaking about tense is hard too, because what is the tense. Is it past or is it present. You swap.

Honestly, it was not as amazing of an achievement as one may think. Asmit’s End wasn’t very populated and once I came and introduced the orphanage, the people refrained from throwing away their children. Literally no idea what you're trying to communicate here. Small towns naturally throw children in the dumpster? The people (who were throwing the children in dumpsters) saw the orphans as super valuble and were releived there was an orphanage?

OVERALL

Fairly nonsensicle. Poorly thought out ideas that don't line up.

I'll be honest I don't know what the takeaway from this is, that I missed a few tenses?

The entry story is supposed to be vague leaving a message from the parent to convey to their child on their own. Why do you think I put the name of 'myths and legends', because I had nothing else to write?

Then you tell me why you don't like how I showed you their appearance because you have already placed them as family members and yet complain they shouldn't lookalike when it turns out they are not. To me this looks like you are unwilling to correct a wrong impression you had for a single paragraph.

I guess I can reflect by changing the order of a few paragraphs to fit your image?

And then the playfulness part. By this point, you are literally 6 paragraphs in the chapter and out of those six, four of them are the small story. With two paragraphs to work with how can you claim the playfulness is out of place when I'm just showing you what sort of character the guy is? The only actual takeaway here is that the forthwall break, which okay sure, valid. I know this isn’t everyone's cup of tea.

At first, the number was in the tens why so vague, why not? See how this is not valid criticism?

The tenses, yeah that's very much a mistake of mine and was actually pretty helpful.

Your next and final comment is you not understanding what you are reading? Let me spell it out then: People threw their children. Then this guy came and they stopped. What do you think happened? Idk about you but stopping people from throwing out their offspring seems a pretty good achievement to me, even if it was on a small scale (the reason why in tens rings a bell? It's to have a rough image about the population in this place).

I believed I used simple enough language and generally straightforward thought process but I guess not. I can understand and accept my mistakes but what you did, shows me you just wanted rant about everything you didn't like (which I understand, everyone wants to blow some steam from time to time).

Regardless if I found your thoughts insightful or not, I thank you for giving it a try. Its very much possible for me to me 'too emotional' and can't see through what you actually tried to tell me, so please, moving forward present the feedback in a way where it doesn't make the other party feel like you are ranting about the parts you didn't like.

 

[daight]

Not defending TheTrinary, guys you should have seen his review, his review might seem brutal but if you can't take the brutality, better not submit your chapter for his review.

I myself have my chapter 1 shredded by him, I don't think he even read my chapter completely to the end. He has his points, and this is ultimately his review, this is how he feel whether you think it's right or wrong. You might disagree with him on certain points, but ultimately you should have known how his review would be from 'sampling' his other reviews.

DannyTheDaikon or greyblob's review aren't so brutal if you can't handle TheTrinary's, each of these three people's reviews are according to how they feel and how they think it would be better doing that way.

There's bound to be people who think like they do and stop reading your novels, and there's people who think like you do and love your novels!

You can think of it as "Oh, so there are people who stopped reading my novel because of this reason!"

Please chill and take their reviews with a grain of salt if you don't fully agree with them, but don't think they are out there trying to attack you or your work. Love you guys, peace out!

 

[LoneQuack]

Not defending TheTrinary, guys you should have seen his review, his review might seem brutal but if you can't take the brutality, better not submit your chapter for his review.

I myself have my chapter 1 shredded by him, I don't think he even read my chapter completely to the end. He has his points, and this is ultimately his review, this is how he feel whether you think it's right or wrong. You might disagree with him on certain points, but ultimately you should have known how his review would be from 'sampling' his other reviews.

DannyTheDaikon or greyblob's review aren't so brutal if you can't handle TheTrinary's, each of these three people's reviews are according to how they feel and how they think it would be better doing that way.

There's bound to be people who think like they do and stop reading your novels, and there's people who think like you do and love your novels!

You can think of it as "Oh, so there are people who stopped reading my novel because of this reason!"

Please chill and take their reviews with a grain of salt if you don't fully agree with them, but don't think they are out there trying to attack you or your work. Love you guys, peace out!

As his latest victim I feel like I should respond to this. If I were to put it in one sentence: you are completely right.

While his review to me was as nonsensicle as how he found my first chapter (or more like the less than 1/4 of it he read), there is definitely merit in it and I can't blame him for it. At the end of the day, I was the one who asked. At the very least I should be able to handle it, otherwise I shouldn't be posting in the first place, so I'm truly thankful to him for taking his time to read and then express his thoughts.

As someone who English is his second language, his view over the tenses he found was something very helpful. With that being said, there is a difference between being honest and insulting someone's work. Take for example my review:

Honestly just very dull writing-- sharpen it up. That is something I can take back and keep in mind while continuing, albeit vague.

Fairly nonsensical. Poorly thought out ideas that don't line up. Calling it nonsensical before reading the next line of text, however, is not. My best guess is that he most likely meant to tidy up the paragraphs into something easier and more straight forward, but that's the problem. I'm guessing. I have to dig though the insult to figure out an answer I cannot be sure of. That's why in the end I wrote the message about not presenting it in such a way.

But to circle back, yes, you are completely right. There will be these type of people who will find whatever reason to dislike one's work. That's just how it works. As authors (or wannabe author in my case) we have to learn this lesson and most often than not it only comes with experiencing it directly.

I'm, by no means mad at him, and if I ever write a second book I'll definitely be back for another review, if he's still available and offers his services.

Welp, I think I covered everything I wanted to say. Stay safe and bless your hearts!

 

[TheTrinary]

I'll be honest I don't know what the takeaway from this is, that I missed a few tenses?

The entry story is supposed to be vague leaving a message from the parent to convey to their child on their own. Why do you think I put the name of 'myths and legends', because I had nothing else to write?

Then you tell me why you don't like how I showed you their appearance because you have already placed them as family members and yet complain they shouldn't lookalike when it turns out they are not. To me this looks like you are unwilling to correct a wrong impression you had for a single paragraph.

I guess I can reflect by changing the order of a few paragraphs to fit your image?

And then the playfulness part. By this point, you are literally 6 paragraphs in the chapter and out of those six, four of them are the small story. With two paragraphs to work with how can you claim the playfulness is out of place when I'm just showing you what sort of character the guy is? The only actual takeaway here is that the forthwall break, which okay sure, valid. I know this isn’t everyone's cup of tea.

At first, the number was in the tens why so vague, why not? See how this is not valid criticism?

The tenses, yeah that's very much a mistake of mine and was actually pretty helpful.

Your next and final comment is you not understanding what you are reading? Let me spell it out then: People threw their children. Then this guy came and they stopped. What do you think happened? Idk about you but stopping people from throwing out their offspring seems a pretty good achievement to me, even if it was on a small scale (the reason why in tens rings a bell? It's to have a rough image about the population in this place).

I believed I used simple enough language and generally straightforward thought process but I guess not. I can understand and accept my mistakes but what you did, shows me you just wanted rant about everything you didn't like (which I understand, everyone wants to blow some steam from time to time).

Regardless if I found your thoughts insightful or not, I thank you for giving it a try. Its very much possible for me to me 'too emotional' and can't see through what you actually tried to tell me, so please, moving forward present the feedback in a way where it doesn't make the other party feel like you are ranting about the parts you didn't like.

Oh boy.

1) Your job as a writer is to entertain. You can't defend what you wrote by saying "I intentionally wrote five paragraph of vague and boring storytelling." Whatever it is you are trying to achieve, you can do it while still saying something.

2) A smart writer can play with his readers expectations and fake us out. Bad writers often mistakenly create false expectations and communicate informationt they didn't intend. You don't seem to understand that the words you choose, the order they're in, and the words they're next to are important.

it would be one thing if you were complaining that the reader didn't understand your genius-- at least there would be intention there. But no. You are complaining that the reader hasn't done the extra work to dechyper your meaning. Frankly you're writing is lazy and now you're complaining that the reader isn't writing for you.

3) Specificity. It's important. Go read a book from someone you like. They don't say "There were people with large number of things at the place." They paint a picture. When you say "tens" i don't know if it's 11 or if it's 99.

4) No I don't know what happened. You say people threw their children away, but you also say they were happy for the orphanage to take careof the children. Which is it? Do the people love or hate their children?

Top to bottom you are just slapping words together without thinking about it. I don't expect you to examine every single word you use; you're not a professional and I'm not looknig for that. At least 70% though. You gotta give your reader that.

 

[LoneQuack]

Oh boy.

1) Your job as a writer is to entertain. You can't defend what you wrote by saying "I intentionally wrote five paragraph of vague and boring storytelling." Whatever it is you are trying to achieve, you can do it while still saying something.

2) A smart writer can play with his readers expectations and fake us out. Bad writers often mistakenly create false expectations and communicate informationt they didn't intend. You don't seem to understand that the words you choose, the order they're in, and the words they're next to are important.

it would be one thing if you were complaining that the reader didn't understand your genius-- at least there would be intention there. But no. You are complaining that the reader hasn't done the extra work to dechyper your meaning. Frankly you're writing is lazy and now you're complaining that the reader isn't writing for you.

3) Specificity. It's important. Go read a book from someone you like. They don't say "There were people with large number of things at the place." They paint a picture. When you say "tens" i don't know if it's 11 or if it's 99.

4) No I don't know what happened. You say people threw their children away, but you also say they were happy for the orphanage to take careof the children. Which is it? Do the people love or hate their children?

Top to bottom you are just slapping words together without thinking about it. I don't expect you to examine every single word you use; you're not a professional and I'm not looknig for that. At least 70% though. You gotta give your reader that.

This- I can appreciate it very much. I have a much clearer image on what you didn't like (and why) and the inconsistencies on my part. Thank you for taking the time to write this, even though you didn't have to.

 

[Elmir_Arch-Ham_of_Omega]

Hello, newbie here, would appreciate some feedback for this series I'm writing, hope it's not too grating. The link is on the signature pic.

 

[TheTrinary]

Hello, newbie here, would appreciate some feedback for this series I'm writing, hope it's not too grating. The link is on the signature pic.

Already replied to you on RR you muppet. People just posting on review threads willy nilly without even looking at who they are asking. Back in my day---

 

[Elmir_Arch-Ham_of_Omega]

Already replied to you on RR you muppet. People just posting on review threads willy nilly without even looking at who they are asking. Back in my day---

Oh! Well, still that's an extra ham for you.

 

[Deleted member 171042]

this story has only one chapter yet

Endless War: Elementalist