Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)

[TheTrinary]

I've been curious what other's have thought of my writing style in general. With the release of my first actual book going on, now would be a perfect time to ask for feedback when I don't have any minions to do it for me. Definitely not trying to procrastinate editing chapter 3.
I come from a background of roleplaying for 10 whole years with different people and smut is my comfort zone so this type of story is a little different for me. The prologue was an idea I had for a while, taking a scene and adding the draw of more for the chapters after. Not giving anything away but also making it fun for the reader to see engagements between different characters that they could and frankly should get attached too.
Without further ado, this is the prologue for my chapter. Curious what you end up writing.

Fresh Hell - Chapter 0 (Prologue) | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

I'm having a lot of issues with what amounts to a start: The wind playfully caressed the monolithic trees. Green distinctly lacking as the colors of autumn took over. Mountains always a thing of beauty.

1) What is a monolithic tree? Maybe a Boabab in winter. Otherwise, trees have lees and branches and sticky outy bits. Trees are antithetical to monolithic. This is doubly probalamtic with the sudden shift to more purple prose and phrases like the ' caressessing'.

2) The talk about autumn is bizarre. Firstly, you have the sentence invertered from active to passive. It isn't autumn marching over the summer green, it's just 'green lacking'. And the real issue is that you started us off with that. . . 1st person narration bit by talking about a beach in summer. The first bit of actual text directly contradicts what little set up you snuck in at the start.

3) Once again. Mountain and beaches. Your establishment of where we are at is confused and contradictory; it's summer, it's fall, it's a beach with trees in the mountins.

“Hah…” With a sigh that carried weights innumerable, I pulled my scarf up a bit higher while reading through the opening of the story again.

Purple prose. Sigh with innumerable weight is laughable. If you want an explanation, hyperbolic emotional descriptions are a staple of comedy; you would never sincerely overplay a serious emotion. Not only that, but the Yoda speech just points a big red arrow at the choice and forces the reader to really engage with the language. Innumerable weights would at least remove some of the distraction.

At this point, I guess we have to assume that those opening verses were from the book the character is reading? To be clear, I haven't tee'd you up a "gotcha" moment. Books are read linearly. Your reader being confused on the first sentence is a problem that can't be fixed retroactively (except in some very, very clever cases of writing by burying the lead)

Writing had been my medium of choice after the therapy. A year had passed since Dad’s death. Cancer… a cruel thing really.

I've got nothing against this first sentnece. It's a good sentence and conveys good information.

The flow is a little weird on this second sentence. It reads like you had two disperate ideas on how to structure this paragraph. Really it should be "therapy, and a year had passed. . . ."

Because that final sentence fragment is not good. Theoretically, this kind of motiff can work in terms of the flow of prose but not when you have to disrupt the flow to achieve it. The MUCH BIGGER ISSUE is the extremely juvenile and immature way you're using language and emotion here. I'm going to assume this is an ESL issue, but this callous, emotionaless attempt at disucssing their father's death reads like sarcasm. No human being could ever think or utter those words and not be facicious.

OVERALL

Focus on word choice. Really focus on word choice.

 

[someawkwardflame]

Oh I would live a first chapter review of my little story i hope you enjoy!

The Tower of Passion

Updates: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday Fiona is a bored software engineer who spends all of her free time and money on her... special interests, roleplaying with her online friendgroup until one day she is teleported into a new world, turning into the character she has been...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Hello, would love to be critiqued by you. I'm very inexperienced writing so I'm expecting a harsh review. I think the title and cover are unique so I'm getting a lot of page views quickly, but only a tiny percent actually seem interested in reading past the first chapter.
Story
Edit: actually don't, I'm rewriting from scratch.
Edit 2: actually do, rewrote and reuploaded

Rating: Would Keep Reading.

THE GOOD

First commendations go to the section where you were describing the culture of matrimony. Obviously what's going on here is based on some real word elements, but you added (what I assume is) a little extra twist and it was interesting to see a family naming a price and then the daughter free to choose suiters. My critical brain turned off for a time and I got to enjoy myself.

It works so well because it isn't just pure worldbuilding. It's about real people and it's strongly tethered to real world experiences I know about. And its tangentially related to the character and we can draw applicable information about her familiy from that.

EVERYTHING ELSE

I otherwise thought it was a pretty normal story. There were elements that caught my attention but I couldn't quite gleam the intention. Like when the MC was self aware about the age of consent. Was it funny? Was it trying to be self aware? Was it a reassurance for your reader that you're going to be careful not to be icky?

I think the prose walks a fine line as well. Especially in that scene setting the first two paragarphs. It's overall decent enough prose, albiet not strong. Especially when you're describing things, use less adjectives (yes, adjectives. This isn't the adverb speech) and go for fewer, more precision strikes. At least in a single sentence. You don't need to modify three nounds with weak descriptors. There are other examples we could go throughout, but that's a good starting poitn for sharpening the prose.

OVERALL

No outright problems that stopped enjoyment and one section that was outright enjoyable. It's not a very strong thumbs up, but it is a thumbs up.

Oh I would live a first chapter review of my little story i hope you enjoy!

The Tower of Passion

Updates: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday Fiona is a bored software engineer who spends all of her free time and money on her... special interests, roleplaying with her online friendgroup until one day she is teleported into a new world, turning into the character she has been...

www.scribblehub.com

Hmmmm. I guess I don't have a problem offering feedback on outright porn even if it basically never comes around. But with that said, I'll just go ahead and offer the brief overview as I'm doing this at a Barnes and Nobles and came to a point where I didn't want to read this in a public place (in case anyone saw me).

RATING: For what it is? Sure, would keep reading.

FEEDBACK

The only outright problem I had was from the first couple of paragraphs. The initial focus on Gary confused the POV. I got what you were doing fast enough, but it would be nice not having to reread two sentences to understand the authorial intent. Just make Fiona the actor.

And then there was a very spastic nature to the prose for a bit. Dont' get me wrong, while I wouldn't call it well written, I do think the writing has some energy to it. It moves us forward and even when you weren't saying anything important, it didn't drag. But those first two paragraphs or so were very, very unfocsed to the point where I was wondering if your MC was ADHD and you were trying to convey that.

Uh. What the writing is really about is fairly well done? You go a bit too far in some cases where it became silly. Just physical desciptions, the number of sex toys. If your reader is already horny then no one is going to care, but it lacks the quality of salacious writing where it can entice and draw in.

With that said, you did absolutely nail one piece of dialgoue/thought. When talking about her dating life and she has that nice quip about how she couldn't start a conversation with a line, and if she couldn't do it that way, she didn't want to try. That was great and did a lot to justfiy this weird viriginal fixation that you established.

OVERALL

It's porn.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Rating: Would Keep Reading.

THE GOOD

First commendations go to the section where you were describing the culture of matrimony. Obviously what's going on here is based on some real word elements, but you added (what I assume is) a little extra twist and it was interesting to see a family naming a price and then the daughter free to choose suiters. My critical brain turned off for a time and I got to enjoy myself.

It works so well because it isn't just pure worldbuilding. It's about real people and it's strongly tethered to real world experiences I know about. And its tangentially related to the character and we can draw applicable information about her familiy from that.

EVERYTHING ELSE

I otherwise thought it was a pretty normal story. There were elements that caught my attention but I couldn't quite gleam the intention. Like when the MC was self aware about the age of consent. Was it funny? Was it trying to be self aware? Was it a reassurance for your reader that you're going to be careful not to be icky?

I think the prose walks a fine line as well. Especially in that scene setting the first two paragarphs. It's overall decent enough prose, albiet not strong. Especially when you're describing things, use less adjectives (yes, adjectives. This isn't the adverb speech) and go for fewer, more precision strikes. At least in a single sentence. You don't need to modify three nounds with weak descriptors. There are other examples we could go throughout, but that's a good starting poitn for sharpening the prose.

OVERALL

No outright problems that stopped enjoyment and one section that was outright enjoyable. It's not a very strong thumbs up, but it is a thumbs up.

Hmmmm. I guess I don't have a problem offering feedback on outright porn even if it basically never comes around. But with that said, I'll just go ahead and offer the brief overview as I'm doing this at a Barnes and Nobles and came to a point where I didn't want to read this in a public place (in case anyone saw me).

RATING: For what it is? Sure, would keep reading.

FEEDBACK

The only outright problem I had was from the first couple of paragraphs. The initial focus on Gary confused the POV. I got what you were doing fast enough, but it would be nice not having to reread two sentences to understand the authorial intent. Just make Fiona the actor.

And then there was a very spastic nature to the prose for a bit. Dont' get me wrong, while I wouldn't call it well written, I do think the writing has some energy to it. It moves us forward and even when you weren't saying anything important, it didn't drag. But those first two paragraphs or so were very, very unfocsed to the point where I was wondering if your MC was ADHD and you were trying to convey that.

Uh. What the writing is really about is fairly well done? You go a bit too far in some cases where it became silly. Just physical desciptions, the number of sex toys. If your reader is already horny then no one is going to care, but it lacks the quality of salacious writing where it can entice and draw in.

With that said, you did absolutely nail one piece of dialgoue/thought. When talking about her dating life and she has that nice quip about how she couldn't start a conversation with a line, and if she couldn't do it that way, she didn't want to try. That was great and did a lot to justfiy this weird viriginal fixation that you established.

OVERALL

It's porn.

Hello. I'm just checking if you've forgotten my request for feedback on my new draft, so here it is again for good measure. Please me let me know what you think.

Crimson Purple

Synopsis “You can’t earn your happy ending in a house that always wins.” Hajime was never hit by a truck, let alone died and transported to the game-like world of Cretis. Insane as it sounds, his kind can be considered aliens, magicless beings who look human until someone gets a taste of their...

docs.google.com

 

[someawkwardflame]

Rating: Would Keep Reading.

THE GOOD

First commendations go to the section where you were describing the culture of matrimony. Obviously what's going on here is based on some real word elements, but you added (what I assume is) a little extra twist and it was interesting to see a family naming a price and then the daughter free to choose suiters. My critical brain turned off for a time and I got to enjoy myself.

It works so well because it isn't just pure worldbuilding. It's about real people and it's strongly tethered to real world experiences I know about. And its tangentially related to the character and we can draw applicable information about her familiy from that.

EVERYTHING ELSE

I otherwise thought it was a pretty normal story. There were elements that caught my attention but I couldn't quite gleam the intention. Like when the MC was self aware about the age of consent. Was it funny? Was it trying to be self aware? Was it a reassurance for your reader that you're going to be careful not to be icky?

I think the prose walks a fine line as well. Especially in that scene setting the first two paragarphs. It's overall decent enough prose, albiet not strong. Especially when you're describing things, use less adjectives (yes, adjectives. This isn't the adverb speech) and go for fewer, more precision strikes. At least in a single sentence. You don't need to modify three nounds with weak descriptors. There are other examples we could go throughout, but that's a good starting poitn for sharpening the prose.

OVERALL

No outright problems that stopped enjoyment and one section that was outright enjoyable. It's not a very strong thumbs up, but it is a thumbs up.

Hmmmm. I guess I don't have a problem offering feedback on outright porn even if it basically never comes around. But with that said, I'll just go ahead and offer the brief overview as I'm doing this at a Barnes and Nobles and came to a point where I didn't want to read this in a public place (in case anyone saw me).

RATING: For what it is? Sure, would keep reading.

FEEDBACK

The only outright problem I had was from the first couple of paragraphs. The initial focus on Gary confused the POV. I got what you were doing fast enough, but it would be nice not having to reread two sentences to understand the authorial intent. Just make Fiona the actor.

And then there was a very spastic nature to the prose for a bit. Dont' get me wrong, while I wouldn't call it well written, I do think the writing has some energy to it. It moves us forward and even when you weren't saying anything important, it didn't drag. But those first two paragraphs or so were very, very unfocsed to the point where I was wondering if your MC was ADHD and you were trying to convey that.

Uh. What the writing is really about is fairly well done? You go a bit too far in some cases where it became silly. Just physical desciptions, the number of sex toys. If your reader is already horny then no one is going to care, but it lacks the quality of salacious writing where it can entice and draw in.

With that said, you did absolutely nail one piece of dialgoue/thought. When talking about her dating life and she has that nice quip about how she couldn't start a conversation with a line, and if she couldn't do it that way, she didn't want to try. That was great and did a lot to justfiy this weird viriginal fixation that you established.

OVERALL

It's porn.

Thank you - and I am sorry I should have given better warning <.< the hornyness stops for a few chapters after the first and its more silly lighthearted fantasy with porn now and again, but yes.

I think the adhd might have just been mine coming through - I can definitely see how you expect it to be from Gary after the first sentence and then it switches, should be easily rectified! Thank you fir the feedback and sorry for no better warning!

 

[OatMush]

Thankyou very much for the feedback!

Rating: Would Keep Reading.

THE GOOD

First commendations go to the section where you were describing the culture of matrimony. Obviously what's going on here is based on some real word elements, but you added (what I assume is) a little extra twist and it was interesting to see a family naming a price and then the daughter free to choose suiters. My critical brain turned off for a time and I got to enjoy myself.

It works so well because it isn't just pure worldbuilding. It's about real people and it's strongly tethered to real world experiences I know about. And its tangentially related to the character and we can draw applicable information about her family from that.

I'm glad you enjoyed that section!

EVERYTHING ELSE

I otherwise thought it was a pretty normal story. There were elements that caught my attention but I couldn't quite gleam the intention. Like when the MC was self aware about the age of consent. Was it funny? Was it trying to be self aware? Was it a reassurance for your reader that you're going to be careful not to be icky?

I mostly intended it to mean I wasn't going to be icky as well as the MC's thoughts. I will rework the section eventually I think, because I can probably convey that information less clumsily.

I think the prose walks a fine line as well. Especially in that scene setting the first two paragarphs. It's overall decent enough prose, albiet not strong. Especially when you're describing things, use less adjectives (yes, adjectives. This isn't the adverb speech) and go for fewer, more precision strikes. At least in a single sentence. You don't need to modify three nounds with weak descriptors. There are other examples we could go throughout, but that's a good starting poitn for sharpening the prose.

Yeah, I think I have a lot of improving to do with descriptions and word choice. I never really feel sure how detailed or concise I should be, and I know I have a long way to go improving my prose. So thankyou for the feedback and for giving some actionable advice.

No outright problems that stopped enjoyment and one section that was outright enjoyable. It's not a very strong thumbs up, but it is a thumbs up.

Honestly a better verdict than I was expecting! Thankyou for your time and advice!

 

[AstreiaNyx]

Hello, this is my first story, I’d love some feedbacks thanks so much

Maid-Of-Curse

Trapped in an opulent mansion and adorned in a medieval dress, Eydis the maid (or Amelia, homeless in her modern world), the reigning queen of snark, grapples with a unique ability – her thoughts burst forth like fireworks. No magic, just relentless noise, a gift bestowed by none other than the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Hello. I'm just checking if you've forgotten my request for feedback on my new draft, so here it is again for good measure. Please me let me know what you think.

Crimson Purple

Synopsis “You can’t earn your happy ending in a house that always wins.” Hajime was never hit by a truck, let alone died and transported to the game-like world of Cretis. Insane as it sounds, his kind can be considered aliens, magicless beings who look human until someone gets a taste of their...

docs.google.com

Yup, looks like you got skipped. RATING: Back to Basics

The writing is extremely hard to follow. Let's look at the first page or so that I read:

Newmans, the elusive race absent from every folder in the world database, eluding both divine and mortal documentation for centuries. This is not an independant clause, which could be fine. People use "non grammatical" elements styleistically for a purpose. However and as we'll get into, when your work as trouble communicating, this doesn't look like style, it looks like you don't know what you're doing. That said, it's an intereting first sentnece.

Yet, seventy or more years ago, Why is the time frame ambigious. What does it add sharing information and then telling your reader that it may be wrong their presence emerged, weaving an eternal legacy in the form of a floating island that revolved around Cretis every third night. Weird and vague. What is presence? What makes it an eternal legacy? What is Cretis? Naturally, in Boulder City, people got all the vitamin D they needed. Melatonin, not so much. And this is where it just falls apart. Up till now, I've been waiting for some qualification to bring what you've written together, but instead we introduce a second location and you make some weird refrence to Vitamind D and Melatonin? I did some googling and yes, melatonin is associated with darkness (didn't know this) and Vitamin D is light. HOWEVER, melatonin also comes from 20 other sources. You could have been commenting on the town's turkey consumption. Plus, you use the word naturally. As if the previous sentence and this one go together. What does Cretis and the floating island have to do with night day cycles/ turkey? Baffling.

In the heart of the desolate metropolis stood a solitary tower, aptly named the «Tower». Only those born with a penchant for shedding innocent blood, even for pocket change, dared to call it home. On it's own, this paragraph is fine, but what does it have to do with anything? Is this in Boulder Town? Is this in Cretis? There is a stark lack of connective tissue.

Mercenaries, the orb spell shooting type. What??? And you see what I mean with these unfinished clauses? I'm already confused and you're trying to write in short hand. On the highest floor, they held a party, as the guests were their own kind. One mercenary group to another. It would be a historical moment between the Gustavites and the Tower-ers. The structure of these last two senteces is odd. You start talking about a "they" like we know them and then go on to explain who they are. They preferred people to mind the dash for better clarity. I liked this. Actually clever.

OVERALL

Not really readable.

Hello, this is my first story, I’d love some feedbacks thanks so much

Maid-Of-Curse

Trapped in an opulent mansion and adorned in a medieval dress, Eydis the maid (or Amelia, homeless in her modern world), the reigning queen of snark, grapples with a unique ability – her thoughts burst forth like fireworks. No magic, just relentless noise, a gift bestowed by none other than the...

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Middle of the Road so would not keep Reading

THE GOOD

You won me over with your prose right away. I was prepared for something more groan worthy on that second paragraph, but it was a clever and unsual observation. You manage to infuse that kind of personality many times throughout the piece, but I don't think it's everpresent. Oftentimes you get bogged down in what you have to accomplish and the practical outweighs the fun.

THIS IS WHY STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT

This piece is a prime example of why stories are structured in a certain way. Because despite otherwise doing well, it's nearly impossible to connect and I found myself frequently bored. We don't know who this character is, what she wants, etc. All we have to work with from the start is her finding out what her situation is, and that isn't rooted in anything real or compelling.

Yes, she's in the body of this woman, but you forgot to explain why I should care.

You do sprinkle in some bits in the middle about her original life, but I've already been completely disengaged by that point. I even made a crappy video on this a couple years ago: the structure in portal fantasy exists for a reason. And while it's fine to violate that, you need to understand what changes and understand your own motivations for doing so.

If you are going to completely ignore the foundational elements for your story off cuff, then I'd advise that the exploration of the new world needs to be so active and energetic that we are entertained at a speed that we don't have time to question the past. At the potin where she's stopping to look in a mirror, you've failed. We don't know who she was or what she looked like before. The only significance we can gleem from her looking in a mirror is what the author tells us to think

Couple edits

of how mirror worked "Mirrors:
Eydis memories were as vivid "Eydis's"

OVERALL

It's a very rare example of someone knowing how to write but not knowing how to create an engaging story.

 

[AstreiaNyx]

Yup, looks like you got skipped. RATING: Back to Basics

The writing is extremely hard to follow. Let's look at the first page or so that I read:

Newmans, the elusive race absent from every folder in the world database, eluding both divine and mortal documentation for centuries. This is not an independant clause, which could be fine. People use "non grammatical" elements styleistically for a purpose. However and as we'll get into, when your work as trouble communicating, this doesn't look like style, it looks like you don't know what you're doing. That said, it's an intereting first sentnece.

Yet, seventy or more years ago, Why is the time frame ambigious. What does it add sharing information and then telling your reader that it may be wrong their presence emerged, weaving an eternal legacy in the form of a floating island that revolved around Cretis every third night. Weird and vague. What is presence? What makes it an eternal legacy? What is Cretis? Naturally, in Boulder City, people got all the vitamin D they needed. Melatonin, not so much. And this is where it just falls apart. Up till now, I've been waiting for some qualification to bring what you've written together, but instead we introduce a second location and you make some weird refrence to Vitamind D and Melatonin? I did some googling and yes, melatonin is associated with darkness (didn't know this) and Vitamin D is light. HOWEVER, melatonin also comes from 20 other sources. You could have been commenting on the town's turkey consumption. Plus, you use the word naturally. As if the previous sentence and this one go together. What does Cretis and the floating island have to do with night day cycles/ turkey? Baffling.

In the heart of the desolate metropolis stood a solitary tower, aptly named the «Tower». Only those born with a penchant for shedding innocent blood, even for pocket change, dared to call it home. On it's own, this paragraph is fine, but what does it have to do with anything? Is this in Boulder Town? Is this in Cretis? There is a stark lack of connective tissue.

Mercenaries, the orb spell shooting type. What??? And you see what I mean with these unfinished clauses? I'm already confused and you're trying to write in short hand. On the highest floor, they held a party, as the guests were their own kind. One mercenary group to another. It would be a historical moment between the Gustavites and the Tower-ers. The structure of these last two senteces is odd. You start talking about a "they" like we know them and then go on to explain who they are. They preferred people to mind the dash for better clarity. I liked this. Actually clever.

OVERALL

Not really readable.

RATING: Middle of the Road so would not keep Reading

THE GOOD

You won me over with your prose right away. I was prepared for something more groan worthy on that second paragraph, but it was a clever and unsual observation. You manage to infuse that kind of personality many times throughout the piece, but I don't think it's everpresent. Oftentimes you get bogged down in what you have to accomplish and the practical outweighs the fun.

THIS IS WHY STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT

This piece is a prime example of why stories are structured in a certain way. Because despite otherwise doing well, it's nearly impossible to connect and I found myself frequently bored. We don't know who this character is, what she wants, etc. All we have to work with from the start is her finding out what her situation is, and that isn't rooted in anything real or compelling.

Yes, she's in the body of this woman, but you forgot to explain why I should care.

You do sprinkle in some bits in the middle about her original life, but I've already been completely disengaged by that point. I even made a crappy video on this a couple years ago: the structure in portal fantasy exists for a reason. And while it's fine to violate that, you need to understand what changes and understand your own motivations for doing so.

If you are going to completely ignore the foundational elements for your story off cuff, then I'd advise that the exploration of the new world needs to be so active and energetic that we are entertained at a speed that we don't have time to question the past. At the potin where she's stopping to look in a mirror, you've failed. We don't know who she was or what she looked like before. The only significance we can gleem from her looking in a mirror is what the author tells us to think

Couple edits

of how mirror worked "Mirrors:
Eydis memories were as vivid "Eydis's"

OVERALL

It's a very rare example of someone knowing how to write but not knowing how to create an engaging story.

Thank you for your feedback; I agree that the main character isn’t relatable, and that's intentional. Her backstory is deliberately omitted. I'll consider ways to enhance engagement without revealing too much about her past.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Yup, looks like you got skipped. RATING: Back to Basics

The writing is extremely hard to follow. Let's look at the first page or so that I read:

Newmans, the elusive race absent from every folder in the world database, eluding both divine and mortal documentation for centuries. This is not an independant clause, which could be fine. People use "non grammatical" elements styleistically for a purpose. However and as we'll get into, when your work as trouble communicating, this doesn't look like style, it looks like you don't know what you're doing. That said, it's an intereting first sentnece.

Yet, seventy or more years ago, Why is the time frame ambigious. What does it add sharing information and then telling your reader that it may be wrong their presence emerged, weaving an eternal legacy in the form of a floating island that revolved around Cretis every third night. Weird and vague. What is presence? What makes it an eternal legacy? What is Cretis? Naturally, in Boulder City, people got all the vitamin D they needed. Melatonin, not so much. And this is where it just falls apart. Up till now, I've been waiting for some qualification to bring what you've written together, but instead we introduce a second location and you make some weird refrence to Vitamind D and Melatonin? I did some googling and yes, melatonin is associated with darkness (didn't know this) and Vitamin D is light. HOWEVER, melatonin also comes from 20 other sources. You could have been commenting on the town's turkey consumption. Plus, you use the word naturally. As if the previous sentence and this one go together. What does Cretis and the floating island have to do with night day cycles/ turkey? Baffling.

In the heart of the desolate metropolis stood a solitary tower, aptly named the «Tower». Only those born with a penchant for shedding innocent blood, even for pocket change, dared to call it home. On it's own, this paragraph is fine, but what does it have to do with anything? Is this in Boulder Town? Is this in Cretis? There is a stark lack of connective tissue.

Mercenaries, the orb spell shooting type. What??? And you see what I mean with these unfinished clauses? I'm already confused and you're trying to write in short hand. On the highest floor, they held a party, as the guests were their own kind. One mercenary group to another. It would be a historical moment between the Gustavites and the Tower-ers. The structure of these last two senteces is odd. You start talking about a "they" like we know them and then go on to explain who they are. They preferred people to mind the dash for better clarity. I liked this. Actually clever.

OVERALL

Not really readable.

RATING: Middle of the Road so would not keep Reading

THE GOOD

You won me over with your prose right away. I was prepared for something more groan worthy on that second paragraph, but it was a clever and unsual observation. You manage to infuse that kind of personality many times throughout the piece, but I don't think it's everpresent. Oftentimes you get bogged down in what you have to accomplish and the practical outweighs the fun.

THIS IS WHY STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT

This piece is a prime example of why stories are structured in a certain way. Because despite otherwise doing well, it's nearly impossible to connect and I found myself frequently bored. We don't know who this character is, what she wants, etc. All we have to work with from the start is her finding out what her situation is, and that isn't rooted in anything real or compelling.

Yes, she's in the body of this woman, but you forgot to explain why I should care.

You do sprinkle in some bits in the middle about her original life, but I've already been completely disengaged by that point. I even made a crappy video on this a couple years ago: the structure in portal fantasy exists for a reason. And while it's fine to violate that, you need to understand what changes and understand your own motivations for doing so.

If you are going to completely ignore the foundational elements for your story off cuff, then I'd advise that the exploration of the new world needs to be so active and energetic that we are entertained at a speed that we don't have time to question the past. At the potin where she's stopping to look in a mirror, you've failed. We don't know who she was or what she looked like before. The only significance we can gleem from her looking in a mirror is what the author tells us to think

Couple edits

of how mirror worked "Mirrors:
Eydis memories were as vivid "Eydis's"

OVERALL

It's a very rare example of someone knowing how to write but not knowing how to create an engaging story.

I actually fed my first chapter on ChatGPT, which might explain why it doesn't sound like my prologue in any way. I told the AI to rewrite my paragraphs "like a published book," but I guess it failed in that department. Luckily, I haven't done the same with my other chapters.

Edit: I revised the paragraphs you've read to see if they work better now.

Newmans, the only race in Cretis absent from the world database. No records of their existence had ever been documented neither by god nor mortal. That was until seventy or more years ago, with their tenacity to have a place to call home—«Boulder City».

Floating above the heavens, it couldn’t have a more accurate name. The options for a home, to begin with, were either hollowed-out stone or weathered skyscrapers moments away from killing a herd of «Catterworms». Unfortunately, it was the second incident that day.

No matter how fast their home revolved around the globe, the people were accustomed to ample amounts of vitamin D. But they could never hope to get a good night’s sleep lest they would endure the biting cold.

Needless to say, their home was a desolate metropolis, spanning a billion wandering steps into even more desolation.

In the heart of the city stood a solitary tower, aptly named the «Tower». The only residents were those born with a penchant for shedding innocent blood, even for pocket change. Mercenaries, particularly those who could cast fireballs and ice shards.

On the highest floor, the Towerers held a party, as the guests were their own kind. They preferred the equally infamous Gustavites to mind the dash in their epithet for better clarity. In other words, it should be “Tower-ers.”

Despite their boss’ lack of naming prowess, the increase of hired guns in their ranks signaled only the beginning of a new chapter.

 

[TheTrinary]

I actually fed my first chapter on ChatGPT, which might explain why it doesn't sound like my prologue in any way. I told the AI to rewrite my paragraphs "like a published book," but I guess it failed in that department. Luckily, I haven't done the same with my other chapters.

Edit: I revised the paragraphs you've read to see if they work better now.

Maybe don't use Ai. Jackass

 

[kaylawritesthepaige]

Hear ye, hear ye. The old thread is dead, long live this thread. (It can be found here)

After two years+, I am unable to edit the very first post and update my "Best of List" shoutout, so I have created a new thread.

The Rules are the same. Submit a link to your first chapter (or prologue) and I will give you a critique as well as a rating. There are no requirements and I will read anything. If I miss your story, it was by accident- just send me a message.

THE V2 BEST OF LIST

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/
5. A Meeting of the Ways https://www.scribblehub.com/series/700231/a-meeting-of-the-ways/

Be Sure to Check out my Other Thread for my Youtube Channel
https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

Can you leave one on my book MARS? You can skip the prologue if you want :3 (It is gay if you don't like that...)

 

[PBJ_Time]

Maybe don't use Ai. Jackass

Yeah, sorry. ?

I have to clarify, though, that what I meant to say was that I wrote my first chapter and see if ChatGPT could revise it "better" for me. I never used it to give me a story in thin air. No need to say such things.

That said, I need to kindly ask: do the paragraphs make sense now? Are they finally readable? Any feedback is always helpful.

 

[TheTrinary]

Yeah, sorry. ?

I have to clarify, though, that what I meant to say was that I wrote my first chapter and see if ChatGPT could revise it "better" for me. I never used it to give me a story in thin air. No need to say such things.

That said, I need to kindly ask: do the paragraphs make sense now? Are they finally readable? Any feedback is always helpful.

Even as an editor, you're still asking me to review someone else's work which is expressly against the rules of this thread.

More importantly, you looked at what the ai wrote and apparently didn't understand why it was nonsenseical. Instead of learning how to edit or read and tell the difference between a well written sentence and one that isn't, you passed it off. It's literally making you a worse writer.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Even as an editor, you're still asking me to review someone else's work which is expressly against the rules of this thread.

No, I said I wrote my chapter first, my own story, and then let an AI edit it for me. All it really did was rewrite everything I wrote into something it considered "more coherent," but I guess it failed judging by your critique. It kept all of the elements intact, actually. I only did this with my first chapter anyway, so none of the other 7 chapters were done by AI. This is my actual work and no one else's.

And I'm not forcing you to do anything. I just want helpful feedback on the paragraphs I've revised by hand because, again, this is my work. This is the story I've written.

As I've said, I never used AI to make a story out of thin air. Did you forget me saying this? It seems you did because you're still convinced it's not my work when all I really did was use ChatGPT for editing purposes. Where did all of these false accusations come from? Are you okay?

Btw, I know how to edit my own chapters. I was just curious if AI could do it better, but I guess not. After some thought, I don't think it can help me at all. From now on, I'll be sticking with my gut and let my mind be the judge instead of a machine.

 

[Underload]

If you are still upto it: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/957908/my-daily-superpower-system/

 

[AdOtherwise]

Hear ye, hear ye. The old thread is dead, long live this thread. (It can be found here)

After two years+, I am unable to edit the very first post and update my "Best of List" shoutout, so I have created a new thread.

The Rules are the same. Submit a link to your first chapter (or prologue) and I will give you a critique as well as a rating. There are no requirements and I will read anything. If I miss your story, it was by accident- just send me a message.

THE V2 BEST OF LIST

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/
5. A Meeting of the Ways https://www.scribblehub.com/series/700231/a-meeting-of-the-ways/

Be Sure to Check out my Other Thread for my Youtube Channel
https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/79766/demonic-fate always love critique

 

[TheTrinary]

Can you leave one on my book MARS? You can skip the prologue if you want :3 (It is gay if you don't like that...)

RATING: Back to basics.

Looks like it's a line edit party.


It’s been months since I’ve last got high.

Have got is present tense. If you want past tense, it would be had gotten high. If you want to use present and the rest is a quality and not part of the verb phrase, then have gotten could also work.

I guess we're going to keep talking about your first paragraph:

Finding weed for a high school sophomore was hard, especially in 2009.

As someone who was in high school in 2009, not true. That's all besides the point though as this doesn't mesh at all with the rest of the paragraph. You're writing about a charactesr first time trying weed because their friend brought it to them. How does the character know how hard it was to get? In what way does a second character's difficulty getting weed modify the MC's experience trying it? The only thing I can think of is if she says: I thought it would be difficult to find, but my friend didn't mind sharing. In my version of high school, that shows the MC's ignorance.


I lived in a massive white house on Franklin Boulevard off South Huron Street. I had to cross that road and State Street adjacent to it to get to Porter Street. Wayyyyy too specific. Your audience neither cares that much nor can we keep up. Just saying, two streets over would be enough.

covered, front porch. No comma here. The rules is if each word indpenedtly modifies the noun, use a comma. Most of the time it's what you do. But here, it is not a covered porch and a front porch. It's a front porch that's covered.

Now I also think this second paragraph shows us where you are at as a writer. Conceptually you know that you need specificity. You give us a very in depth description of the friends house. But it's vapid and without meaning. Who cares what a house looks like on principle? Like I said, you're halfway there, which is more than most writers around here:

You have to be specific AND meaningful. Normally a writer would use the specific description to make a larger point. His house was smaller than mine, the same shade of white three paint jobs removed. It looked like a box with an angular top, the kind I would draw if you handed me a pen and paper.

My version tells us that: the friend more poor than the MC. The Mc is not artistic and maybe even a little self deprecating. It's not a rule I always agree with, but frequently writing should do two things at once. Unless you're a poet, your desriptions need to say something.

She’s a beautiful lady, her chocolate skin glistens under the sunlight. Don't describe someone's skin like food. How would you like it: Her skin mayo skin moistened in the heat. You can get away with olive because it's a color. ALSO, this sentence swaps tenses. Both sentences do it in this paragraph.

Mmmm. It's all tense shifted from here. I'm starting to think you meant to write in present tense? But let's look back at sentence two. Finding weed was hard in 2009. Regardless of what your intent is, you've failed somewhere along the way.

If you are still upto it: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/957908/my-daily-superpower-system/

RATING: Back to basics.

First paragraph gave me agida. It starts out with a very banal and pointless opening idea-- waking up. 99% of the time, it adds nothing. In your case, it's worse than that because there are so many words. Your first two sentences are cluttered and far too wordy. I do like your third sentence here, but it doesn't justify the paragraphs existence, so maybe pluck that out and use it somewhere else.

I had an unusual sort of night. I didn’t sleep a wink and yet, here I was, wide awake as a squirrel overdosing on caffeine, ready to go skirmish for the upcoming storms and winter. Why does someone awake use an alarm. Maybe once it happens because you forgot to turn it off. But why does an awake person snooze?

I wasn’t however calm. We know. You jsut said he overdosed on caffience. We know.

If my pounding heart was any indication, my body was either running low on potassium or there was something very wrong with me. You just said he overdosed on caffience. What are you achieving here by playing Doctor House to a question we know.

I had lain down all night in my bed out of some bad sense of ritual foreboding, lying to myself that sleep was only a blink away. I had countless thoughts during this time; thoughts about god, fate, about destiny. Yet, like a cat, their answers had eluded me. It had dangled a fluffy tail of hope in front of my face. Put forward an inviting paw of friendship. Before sneering at me through her charming eyes, it had sprung up to her feet and dashed away into the tall foreign shades of uncertainty.

Okay. We're now half a page, at least, into your book. Nothing has happened and no point to anything has reared its ugly head. We're moving back to the completely overwritten territory. Your character reads like an insufferable high schooler. It's 100% vapid nothing from top to bottom; YES metaphor is good. Imagery is good. These are all things you need to do as a writer, but typically people use them to accomplish a goal. What we have here feels purely masturbatory.

Thoughts might be a sinking ocean, but the reality is darker and disconcerting. Explain this to me. Explain any part of this to me and how someone without a tramatic brain injury would interpret it. What the devil even is a sinking ocean. Also, apparently the dark and disconcerting reality is the main charactr's mother thinking about waking him up. Really.

We started ("started"), with a quasi mystery of why he was up all night. But considering every piece of language is overblown or just misused, even that one hook is a joke at this point.

OVERALL

I feel kind of bad because I'm 99% sure the writer is 15 but this is a guidebook on how not to use words. Everything is overly dramatic. The most banal ideas in human history receive a full paragraph of psuedo intellectual metaphor.

Now I don't want to discourage a new writer, so listen up. Yes you, the writer. This is specifically for you. Calm your ass down, think about the words your using and the tone it creates, and match that tone to the situation. One of the hallmark of "high school" writing is the completely over dramaticized, overly self indulgent nature of the language. Not everything is the end of the world, and you staying up late isn't you staring into the abyss. It just feels that way because you're in high school.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/79766/demonic-fate always love critique

Oh this is Royal Road. I have a thread you can post it on there.

As I'm not caught up here, I'm going over there to do some.

 

[SSPy]

Hello I'd love to receive feedback. I'll leave the draft here sorry if it's a little long

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lVYAFc5U4LtssuhxmWRpB2cjq3zVajSe1qz15PyVZWQ/edit?usp=sharing

 

[Conqueror_Quack]

Could you check this one out , please