Feedback thread (yes, another one)

[TakeoMasaki]

I've been planning to do this for quite some time now, but was waiting for a better moment. Seeing, however, that it may never come, I'm just gonna wing it.

You can share novels of any genre and with any tags - I'm here to give feedback, not to build a reading list. I can't promise that you'll get your feedback on the same day, though.

If you want to get some feedback from this Daikon, please post a link to it in this thread.

If you're interested in a Sci Fi Thriller, here is my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1130997/the-network/

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Symphonia: Rebel Against the World of Machines and the Sleepless Cities of Rhythms! | Royal Road

"The night city is always glimmering with life isn't it? Millions of lights, all of them feels alive at night and they pulse their heart for one reason. It's Music!" -Martin Forth, The Soundtrack of Defiance (3rd Live Concert ver.) The Musical Revolution had began after the rumor of an ancient...

www.royalroad.com

Here's mine.

Although It's not really polished well because I'm planning to migrate it here in SH after I'm done with this prologue. The latter half of the sypnosis isn't present in the story yet as well.

The first chapter, I decided to experiment and unorthodox it by using my inside world references to introduce the world.

Hello @ATTICLover Your feedback delivery is here

*opens*
*sees Royal Road logo*
*DEMONIC SCREECHING*

/jk

I like your setting. I think you built an interesting world that feels alive and real. Same goes to your characters, who feel very fleshed out and it's easy to quickly understand what kind of people they are. This is definitely your strong suit.

When it comes to your writing, however, things aren't as colorful anymore.

Starting with the very weird first 2 chapters, I'll say that I have no idea what was it about. You mentioned it being in-world references, so I get it (more or less). The problem is that a random guy picking up your novel won't know that, so he'll be probably confused as hell and drop your novel without giving it a proper chance.

You have to understand that nowadays, there is a ton of competition. Readers have a wide selection of free webnovels to read, so they have the privilege to pick and choose whatever feels good to them. It's your job to convince them that your novel is something they may enjoy.

There's a reason why so many people talk about the importance of the first chapter. The earlier you hook your audience, the lower the chance that they will drop it without giving it a proper shot.

While the idea to use the in-world references is surely an interesting one, it simply doesn't work here. The main reason for that is, your readers have no attachment to your world yet. Those references have no meaning to them, so instead of piquing curiosity, all they do is cause confusion and frustration.

I think it would be a cool idea for a prologue to a second volume or side story. Presenting it in the form of snippets from a magazine or a newspaper, you could give a glimpse of what happened in between the volumes or what is about to happen. It's a really good idea, so it would be a pity to discard it completely. With a bit of thought, it can be turned into a nice wink-wink to the readers.

Since we're at the topic of prologue, I'd like to remind you that the prologue is not a place for an infodump. The prologue is an introduction to your story, and its purpose is to set the stage for it. The example that perfectly illustrates this is The Prologue in Romeo and Juliet.

Before we get to see the main characters, before story begins, we're being greeted by an actor, who tells the audience what the story is going to be about. They give us a bit of background on the conflict between the Montagues and the Capulets and give a massive spoiler about the ending.

Of course Romeo and Juliet is a play, so it has its own set of rules, but the idea of the prologue stands.

A prologue in a novel can show something that leads to an event in the book, or something that becomes an important plot point later on. Some people like showing the ending in the prologue. In any case, it's always something related to the main story. It is not a place to put an in-world Wikipedia article.

Lately I learned that some people seem to be misunderstanding what a prologue is, so I wanted to use this opportunity to clarify.

Anyways, moving past the first two chapters, I'm going to focus on the problems I encountered in your first proper chapter.

First of all, the most glaring issue with your writing is grammar and very awkward word choice and phrasing.

on a round platform in which Chiyou appeared

to appear on a platform

Flabbergasted and smiling in the absurdity of the internet

smiling at the absurdity of the internet

Chiyou reflected to those words a bit

Chiyou reflected on those words...
Also, if she reflected on something, it means she thought about it deeply, so she can't both think about it deeply and a bit.

He shaves and made a small undercut

He shaved off a patch of hair, creating a small undercut....

A little bit of stern from his side nodding, he continued his work on her gloves with focus.

...I actually have no idea what this means "He shook his head disapprovingly, as he focused on working on her gloves" maybe?

flexing with each other's Aether designs

Flexing at. This is also a colloquial speech, so it shouldn't be used in a narration unless you're talking from a perspective of the character.

"OHO? WHAT AN APPROACH TOWARDS ME!"

"Is this how you approach me?" or "What an entrance".

There was a hoarse concern and anger in his voice

Contrary to the popular belief, every adjective doesn't go with every noun. I once saw "candles hanging decidedly" and I'm still confused as to how the candles managed to pull this off
"Hoarse" can be a voice, concern not so much. What would this even mean? What is "hoarse concern" supposed to mean?

A heavy atmosphere suffocated her with anxiety because of his aura.

So.... she ded. ?

She can feel

No she can't. She ded.

"The heavy atmosphere, caused by the anxiety inducing aura was suffocating" (although it's still very awkward, so I would probably just change it to something like "The atmosphere was dense with anticipation and anxiety, caused by his strong aura").

I'm not going to quote every bit of weirdness I've noticed, because I would probably hit the character limit for posts for this part alone. I wanted to mention some to give you a hint as to what you should be more mindful of.

I'm gonna take a wild guess that English isn't your native language. In that case I'll urge you to spend more time studying the language and also to read traditional novels (not webnovels). Why not webnovels? Because majority of them are published without a proper supervision from an editor and proofreaders, meaning mistakes have much higher chances of occurring. While traditional novels aren't immune to that, the chances are much lower as most publishers still value quality.

Books are expensive though, so if you can't afford them, then I'd like to introduce you to Project Gutenberg. It's a free library of eBooks, in short.

Another useful tool would be ChatGPT and Grammarly to run a spellcheck on your writing.

Moving on, the next issue I noticed was mixing tenses in your narration. This is something that I will always consider unacceptable. Before you start writing, you should spend some time thinking of which tense would work the best for your story and your writing style, and then you should stick to it.

Example:

In an instant, the cubes manifest and gather on a round platform in which Chiyou appeared.

You start your novel with in a present tense. Then, a couple of lines lower, you switch to past tense:

he sighed deeply and placed his palm to his head.

And later on you go all in and add 3rd!!! tense to the mix:

The battle will start and they need to hear what they're going to say as an appetizer before the main dish.

Jumping between tenses like this makes the reader lose track of what and when things are happening. On top of that, it just feels extremely messy and amateurish.

Next, I have to talk about formatting.

In one of my previous feedback posts, I also mentioned this, but 1 sentence per paragraph is not the way to go. Dialogues also should be formatted with accordance to the rules, one of them being the positioning of action tags ("he said...", "she smiled...", "they shouted..."). There are many articles online teaching how to format dialogues properly, so I'd recommend looking for them.

Speaking of dialogues, you abuse dialogue in your novel. It's a novel, not a screenplay. There needs to be a proper balance between narration and a dialogue. Some things work better being told in a narration, while others work better being told in a dialogue between characters. There's no set rule what should go where, it's your job as a writer to figure it out. Personally, I like to resort to dialogue only when I feel like it's the most natural way to give the information.

What do we have next? *looks at her notes* Ah! Logic! My favorite!

Inside the spacious self driving van, there lies the young man crossing his arms and furrowed brows.

Why is he laying in a car? I get that it's a "spacious van", but... why? How?

He grabbed her by the wrist and sat her down on another chair facing a mirror.

If there's another chair, then where's the first one?
Also, now I know there are at least 2 chairs and a mirror in this van. Okay.

He pushed a black case on the other table.

Same thing as before, if there's the other table, where's this table?
*Adds mental note that there's at least 2 chairs, a mirror and at least 2 tables in this van* Damn... Just how spacious is this van?!

My biggest problem with this is the fact that you didn't bother to describe the car beyond saying that it's spacious and it's a van. If it was a normal modern day setting, this could get a pass, but since your novel has a futuristic sci-fi setting, I have no idea what I should be imagining. So when I read that the guy is laying in the car or that there's half of the restaurant (tables) and a barber (chair and a mirror) in it I'm just... confused.

Reika opens up the case, revealing a pulsating red and yellow glow of an electric guitar body and its headstock directly attached without the fretboard.

By my greens... that's not a guitar anymore!!! That's more like a lyra... or something

her opaque fret fills the negative space where it was supposed to be positioned in a guitar along with the proper position of the headstock without a peg.

Ooooooh That changes things.
This is a similar problem as with the van. You don't describe things nearly enough for the reader to know what kind of image they should be shaping in their head. This is also why proper narration is important and not just spamming dialogue at every possible moment.

Also, let's talk about this part a bit.

He demonstrated by showing a video of him strumming the string and the alternating red and yellow frequency vibration comically appeared in the air.

If he strummed just one string without touching the fretboard then the colors shouldn't be changing since the frequency stays exactly the same. This is what we call notes. Each note has it's own frequency. Playing an open string will always generate the same frequency (unless your guitar gets out of tune).

As she opens her eyes, glowing yellow and red strings shine and her opaque fret fills the negative space where it was supposed to be positioned in a guitar along with the proper position of the headstock without a peg.

Just one fret? Where are the rest? and if it's just one, but big enough to fill in the gap between the bridge and the head then, my dude, that's not a fret anymore... that's a fretboard
Same goes with the peg. If only one is missing, then I'm guessing that the other 5 (or 6, or more) are still there. Then I have to ask, why? Why is just one peg missing?

The percussion from the background appeared on the screen supporting Erico's leading melody.

The band follows the drums, not the other way around It's is the main job that the drums have in a band - to keep the rhythm, to be the band's metronome. If your drummer can't count, change them for another

Nerds call it pop rock but a traditional like Talia just believes that a rock is a rock.

Spoiler: This is a rock

Spoiler: This is also a rock

A rock is endeed a rock

A rock is a stone or a pebble.
(--) Rock is a music genre.

every making of riffs

Riffs can be played, composed or written. "Making" is an incorrect verb to describe the action.

A chord progression was played and Talia's performance had begun. Sweeping all of the viewers from a world shaking head bangs.

Somehow I feel like you meant a riff, rather than chord progression. Not that it's impossible, but it kind of makes little sense in this context.

Also, I have to bitch again. This sentence makes no sense. Pop rock is a subgenre of rock. All pop rock is rock, but not all rock is pop rock. Like with squares and rectangles.


I am going very hard on the music stuff, because it seems that it plays a big role in your novel. Chances are, that people who are musicians or at least interested in music will pick it up, so you should make sure to not endanger them with concussions from facepalming every paragraph. If a layman like me was bothered by the inaccuracies, then I can imagine it being worse for pros.

Like I said at the beginning. You setting is very good, your characters are very good, your story seems interesting, so it's only really the language that's pulling you down. It's worth spending some time practicing properly, so people can enjoy the world you've created so painstakingly.

Good luck and happy writing

 

[Rhaps]

I cast 1+ year written novel!

Infinity in the Void – Freedom in the Abyss

A girl woke up in a white room, with no memory of who she was. Yet she knew deep inside her held a power unlike anyone, represented by the markings, the tattoos of the Eight Pointed Star, given to her by an unknown force. With her power, endless possibilities were...

www.scribblehub.com

You can go at your own pace, this is written with the help of dice.

 

[daight]

The band follows the drums, not the other way around It's is the main job that the drums have in a band - to keep the rhythm, to be the band's metronome. If your drummer can't count, change them for another

Wow!!! I never really thought of this, but you are right!
Can you say a drummer in a band is akin to a conductor in an orchestra?

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Wow!!! I never really thought of this, but you are right!
Can you say a drummer in a band is akin to a conductor in an orchestra?

I don't think that's a good comparison. Drummer's task is to keep the rhythm, so they are more of a live metronome. Conductor, on the other hand, has to worry about much much more than just rhythm. There's more of the "artistic flourish" in conducting, it's about the creative vision (holistically speaking), compared to simply bonking drums at a correct intervals.

 

[Hmyu]

Well this will definitely take a long time and as base of my past experiences I am scared to hear criticism but you know what, it's just like talking to a woman irl, hard at first, but you get used to it. Wait was what I talking about?

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...m-a-player-to-a-tower-boss-tower-boss-litrpg/

Can I change my link to a different series? Well, you still haven't caught up to me so probably yes, well here's the royal road link as that one is more refined than the one in scribblehub.

When Everyone's Immortal [LitRPG/Isekai] | Royal Road

 

[greyblob]

good work

 

[Deleted member 146224]

good work

thank you!

 

[Rhaps]

I don't know if it'll get approve by Tony yet but here's my new story

Her Utopia

This is an archive of a lost hope, the story will never be continued, please read and ignore. --- There are times when one would let go of their eyes, turning the world into a blurry mess while the wind blew. This is a short, quiet and peaceful life of...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[LuoirM]

View attachment 30099

Actually if you copy and paste the link it'll work and redirect you to an actual story that's not yet published kekw

 

[Deleted member 146224]

View attachment 30099

Actually if you copy and paste the link it'll work and redirect you to an actual story that's not yet published kekw

LUOIR YOU BASTARD!!!!

@Simple_Russian_Boi this is your fault!!!!

 

[LuoirM]

LUOIR YOU BASTARD!!!!

@Simple_Russian_Boi this is your fault!!!!

Hey leave gram gram out o' dis
yo it actually got removed lol

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Hey leave gram gram out o' dis
yo it actually got removed lol

It's okay there's still a link from Rhaps' post

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Hello Danny, any feedback about this would be nice.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1118484/a-ducks-message/

Hello @Y2N1 your feedback has arrived

*clicks on the link*
-a DUCK's message-

@Don_Quacko Is this one of your propaganda works? I ain't fallin' for that ?

Ekhm... Anyways, let's focus on feedbacking

I will admit that I've read all of the available chapters. Your story caught my attention and I enjoyed your idea a lot. I think you have a lot of potential in storytelling, and so I hope that you will use everything I talk about to work on your shortcomings so your work can spread its wings

Firstly, there's no shortage of grammar mistakes in your writing. It's not terrible, but it's definitely something that you should work on improving. Grammarly, ChatGPT and reading more books, as always, should help.

he drank coffee and ate some bread before taking a shower and get ready for school.

...before taking a shower and getting ready for school.

it should have arrived the school more faster

...it should have arrived the school faster

Struggling for air, the words choked out of him in a desperate manner.

"Struggling for air, he desperately choked on words." Or better "He choked on his words as he struggled for air". (this "desperation" there isn't really necessary, since suffocating is going to make someone desperate, obviously).

Knowing he is able to breathe properly he let a small smile as he walk heading to school.

"Knowing he was able to breathe properly, he smiled (or smirked, or smiled softly) as he walked to school (or headed to school)".

I can’t think straight that time,

I couldn't think straight that time.

it looks like they also got suffocated

"it looks like they also suffocated" or "it looks like they also got asphyxiated"

to suffocate - is to die from lack of air or inability to breathe
to asphyxiate - is to kill someone by depriving them of air

You repeat this mistake a lot, so I wanted to clarify.

Another problem is repetition and redundancy. And I mean both words/phrases, and information that you're giving.

“Man, why is it always cold at this time? Ah… If I could just laze around this morning…”

Adding "this morning" is completely unnecessary here. We already know what time of day it is from your first sentence, and we also can guess what the MC has in mind when he talks about lazing around.

As Shac was about to go out the house, his phone vibrates, and he received a notification on his phone.

Again, similar situation. The fact that the notification popped up on his phone is self-explanatory to the reader, since it vibrated.

An email? Might be some spam message. He immediately thought.

Knowing he had been receiving tons of spam messages from various websites where he used his personal email, there’s a chance it’s just another spam message.

The second part can be either completely removed, since it's not adding any new information or it can be phrased more elegantly:

An e-mail? Probably another spam message he thought, recalling the never ending stream of useless e-mails he received every time he had to use his address somewhere.

No sender? Is that even possible?

Noticing that there was no sender,

This is something that keeps happening throughout your novel. You present a chunk of information to the reader, then you proceed to repeat it one or more times. This is not a school essay that has a word count requirement. Your readers are also not so dumb (hopefully) to not understand what you just said, if you say it only once.

As he was running along the sidewalk, he saw a yellow figure approaching and immediately recognized it as a yellow duckling. In his rush to get to his morning class, he quickly passed by it, knowing how slowly it was walking on the side.

Oh, a duckling. He was reminded by the message earlier.

That reminds m- Oh! Instead of wasting time thinking about it, he decided it was better not to be late.

Again, same thing. You already stated in the first sentence that he saw a figure in a distance and recognized it as a duckling. Having the MC repeat the same information, but in his thought is completely redundant. It doesn't add anything new. Same goes to that bit where the MC starts saying that it reminds him of the message earlier. We already know that, because you already said so.

-huff- “Haaah…” Taking a deep breath...

Now here, you just convey the same information in three different ways. Why? What's the point? There's no need for that.

Still far… But it’s time for round two!

“Round Two!” he exclaimed,

-sigh- he sighed in relief.

-sigh- The teacher let out a sigh.

-shut- Shac closes the door,

“We should until the class ended…”
… waiting until the class ended.

also: "waiting for the class to end" or "waiting until class ends"

...his vision starts to get blurry.

Slowly losing his vision...

This happens multiple times per chapter.

If you give a piece of information in a narration, then there's no reason to make the MC repeat it in dialogue. Writing is all about conveying some kind of information, and both narration and dialogues are ways to do so. It's not like the reader can only hear (or read) what the character says, and vice-versa, so there's absolutely nothing forcing you to repeat the same thing twice.

And again, I'd like to point out the same thing as I did in the previous feedback -- why are all of you allergic to narration? Why are y'all so obsessed with dialogues everywhere?! If you're not interested in prose, then screenwriting is a valid option. You're not forced to write novels if it's not something that works for you. In fact, some of you would probably find yourself at home with writing scripts.

Noticing that there was no sender, Shac scratches his head and he dismisses it as a troll message.

Since he was running late, he didn’t give it any further thought.

Mixing tenses. You keep flipping between past and present tense. You need to pick one and stick to it. Characters in dialogue can speak in whatever tense and can break grammar rules, but narration should be coherent and polished.

"You’ve got to hit those topics, or you’ll fail this semester.”

I have no idea what this means. Hit what topics? Why hit? Is this something kids say nowadays that just flew over my head?

As he wondered the question

"As he thought about this question" or "as he pondered the question" or "as he wondered about this question"

A small tear of pain flows in both of his eyes as he stared fixedly at the ceiling with his mouth hung open, desperately trying to breathe in oxygen.

Just the oxygen?

As he desperately tried to breathe in, the air seemed to thicken around him.

That's because he sucked out all of the oxygen

Earth's atmosphere consists of: 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen and trace amounts of other elements.

Breathing in pure oxygen at a normal pressure can lead to an acute oxygen poisoning There are cases where people will breathe in pure oxygen safely, but it's special circumstances (like reduced pressure or hyperbaric chambers). We evolved in a way that demands that we breathe in air that's a mixture of nitrogen, oxygen and other gases.

Oxygen isn't synonymous with air.

his grip tightened around his chest,

Just how big is his hand then?!
"His grip tightened" or "he pressed his fist to his chest"

What can I say? It felt real, it’s my first time experiencing such dream. -inhale- -exhale-

Okay, I wasn't planning to say anything about the sfx, but you forced my hand.

I hereby ban you from using sound effects in your writing! If I check the next chapter and see even a single sfx, I'm gonna send a barrage of nightmares about a horde of Zombie Daikons chasing you until you learn.

Even though, my personal belief is that sfx don't belong in prose, I will let it slide if it happens occasionally. You, however, use them all. the. time.
It's clear as day that it's becoming a crutch for you. You have to learn to express everything without sound effects. You're writing a novel not a manga. There are so many ways to express things without them. Writers all over the world have been doing just fine without them for centuries or millennia even, so you have no excuse.

Only when you learn to write without sfx, you're allowed to start using them. Sparingly.

Shac, being late, slowly tried sneaking through the back of the room, holding the duckling with both of his hand.

Scratching his head, he laughed awkwardly. “Hehehe.”

“Why are your hands enclosed like that?”
Enclosed?… Ah!

“You see, ma’am…” He scratches his head as he spoke.

This entire part makes no sense. If he is holding the duckling in his hands (both of them) then how is he supposed to be able to scratch his head at the same time?
Rub it awkwardly with his forearm? Maybe. But just scratch? How?

it looks like they also got suffocated and were not able to breathe properly.

Well... yes. If someone suffocates that usually means they weren't able to breathe properly.
Redundancy of the second part. And "got suffocated" again (suffocated).

single piece of an egg

"A single egg". If it's a single piece of an egg, then it would mean that it was broken to pieces and you found only one.

There's more things that I simply ran out of time to mention, but as long as you work on fixing the things I did mention, you should be fine. This is what's currently your biggest weakness, so it's better if you don't get distracted with other stuff anyways.

I will repeat what I said before. You have a good story going on, so it would be pity to have it sullied by easy to fix mistakes.

Good luck and happy writing!

 

[ATTICLover]

Speaking of dialogues, you abuse dialogue in your novel. It's a novel, not a screenplay. There needs to be a proper balance between narration and a dialogue.

Thank you very much for an insightful and actual sandwich critic! That's very much the reason why I posted it instead of drafts to receive feedbacks and now, I can see the repeating pattern of my shortcomings!

This is my first time writing a novel and let me say that you're very perceptive. I work in media that revolves everything about cameras and shooting. A "show not tell" guy but PHYSICALLY! I'm not a guy good at WRITING imagery that can frame the picture I want to my readers through words, I rather put their bodies into it and rely to the script.

Yes english is not my first language so because of my short vocabulary, some of the words aren't descriptive enough to make a coherent image especially when you talked about the musical part with Erico Talia so sorry for your musician side if it may be confusing but I promise that I'll revise and edit the whole prologue once I'm finished. Don't be worried that I posted it in different platform, because the polished version will be posted here for kind Scribbleheads.

Since this is my first time as a novel writer, I need to read a lot webnovels to relate on which format suits to the internet readers, so even if I repeatedly revise and edit my chapters, for a good critic like you, it still looks like a draft full of info dumpings. Though I am happy you get the general theme and my characters, I don't like that my readers can't understand some of the imagery I wanted them to see for even as simple as fretboards and pegs ??? huhuhu

But I'm very adaptable and accepting of my mistake, this is the most detailed critic I've received so I can only say thank you random Scribblehead! ??

 

[Y2N1]

Hello @Y2N1 your feedback has arrived

Thanks Danny. I must admit that this story is something I planned for a short period of time (it was a June Writing Challenge), making most of it feels like a summary.

That one repeating writing in the first chapter, I was hoping on showing that "the MC is repeating a scene", but I guess it's better to rewrite that one.

Thanks for pointing out a lot of things, especially the "oxygen" one. It's the only current "power" in the series that's why I've been using it out throughout the story "curse" and the "gun". Thanks for pointing out that, I need to do my research about that one.

And I'll try to use sfx less and less, I will also rewrite those things you pointed out.

 

[Deleted member 146224]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/727045/lowly-ascent/
Thank you in advance

Hello AdOtherwise this Daikon prepared a portion of feedback for you

Before I start, I have to say that your novel gave me a lot of trouble.

I think your story is very ambitious, and the fact that it has already over 300 chapters just proves that you are very determined. Your idea is quite unique, and using diseases as a power sounds interesting. People seemed to also enjoy it, so the question is: why do you struggle with retaining readers?

The way I see it, there are a few issues at play.

First, the infodumping.

It is imho the biggest crime you're committing in your novel. While I can let it slide in the first chapter, since it was still within the acceptable range, chapter 5 is nothing more than a glossary entry. I understand that you wanted to explain how the powers work here, but serving it like an encyclopedia article is not the way to go about it.

You are writing a novel. Information about the world should naturally result from your writing. Giving the reader a list with dry descriptions of what each grade does is only going to make people not want to read it. It feels like I'm reading notes for an exam and I need to memorize what each step does.

I thought that maybe it was something that you were struggling with at the beginning and improved on it over the course of 300 chapters, but picking a random chapter, 310, proved me otherwise.

Not only you are infodumping, you're also doing it in the most horrendous way -- MC having a big exposition monologue. No. Just no. I'm not reading any of that.

If you feel the need to just come out and slap your readers with a wall of text full of unadulterated explanation of what is/was happening, then you did something wrong.

Infodumping does nothing but overwhelm your readers with information. Nobody is reading your novel to study. Spread it throughout the book, serve it sparingly when it's needed. Intersperse it across your narration and dialogue.

Timeline, action, flow.

Another thing that was really bothering me when I was reading your novel was the way you break the flow. It took me a moment to realize, but the way you structure some of your scenes is completely backwards.

A flock of crows came out from the protection of the canopy and swarmed around the wheelbarrow. One of the crows descended, plucking out a eyeball, lifting its head just enough for the boy to see as it gulped it down.

With the boy's fears confirmed he looked at the old and strange man and pissed himself in fear.

Only now did his senses seem to register and turn on. His stomach churned from the bog's odors - the smell of mud, decay, and bodily waste assaulted his nostrils most vividly.

He could feel the cold wind brush up his back causing chills, all the while he heard the ripping and tearing of flesh from the crows. The boy couldn't help but begin to cry, breaking down.

Cain sees how a crow is eating the dead body, which terrifies him and makes him panic. As a result, he peed his pants. This is the natural flow of how things happen: realization > outburst of emotion and adrenaline > reaction.

The way you structured this scene, however, is: reaction > realization > outburst.

Because you placed the reaction as the first step, the impact of this scene gets completely lost. Simply rearranging stuff would make it have a lot more "punch".

It's like with the diagram of how 3-act structure works in books:

You can see here how along the progression of the story, the events cause the tension to rise. It goes for a while, until it reaches a break point, it is a place where the tension is peaking. At this point, something begins to be resolved, causing the tension to go down, giving the readers some time to breathe.

It is relevant for entire series, book, acts, chapters and even scenes.

You want to first build the tension, wait until it reaches it's maximum and then deliver the resolution to diffuse it.

A flock of crows came out from the protection of the canopy and swarmed around the wheelbarrow. One of the crows descended, plucking out a eyeball, lifting its head just enough for the boy to see as it gulped it down.

Only now did his senses seem to register and turn on. His stomach churned from the bog's odors - the smell of mud, decay, and bodily waste assaulted his nostrils most vividly.

He could feel the cold wind brush up his back causing chills, all the while he heard the ripping and tearing of flesh from the crows. The boy couldn't help but begin to cry, breaking down.

With the boy's fears confirmed he looked at the old and strange man and pissed himself in fear.

Even without further edits to smoothen things out this flows so much more naturally.

There are also mishaps like:

As he brought his wheelbarrow to a plot of clear land, he started to dig.

As he got his bearings, Cain examined himself in curiosity.

If you use a construction "As x..., y...." it means that while "X" was happening, "Y" occurred. It means that action "X" cannot be finished, while "Y" occurs.
Going back to the quotes:
1. Saying that "he brought..." means that he had already finished the action. He brought it. It was there. Since it was a completed action, there's no way for something to occur duriat. Sng tho "as he brought... he started..." is a logically incorrect sentence. It would be better to say "He brought the wheelbarrow and started digging" or "As soon as he brought his wheelbarrow, he started digging".

2. "To get one's bearings" means to take a moment to orient yourself, get your emotions under control, or prepare for something—to acclimate to your surroundings or situation in some way so that you can take some kind of action. (courtesy of Reddit).
Then again, you say "got his bearings". "Got" means that he already finished orienting himself, making it impossible to examine himself during that.
"While getting his bearings, Cain examined himself curiously." or "Cain examined himself, trying to get his bearings."

Language

The previous section hints at a much bigger issue with your writing. It often feels like I'm looking at a chapter built from a premade sentences. As if you were cutting them from a newspaper and gluing them together on a piece of paper.

Oftentimes I encountered very weird phrasing or word choice.

He didn't know why John killed him, but over the last five years, he was treated well so it was a price to pay.

This makes no sense. Him not knowing was a price to pay for being treated well?

Feick could tell it was Cain from the clothes, that was the only tell-tale.

It's either a "tell-tale sign" or more the way humans speak: "...that was the only tell."

Seeing the disparity in even clothes made Cain feel a tinge of disdain.

To feel disdain is to feel contempt for something or someone regarded as unworthy or inferior. So Cain thought that the rich were inferior to him? He doesn't even know anything about them yet and he already sees himself as someone better than them?

Rustling his body, Cain groaned and moped as his eyes were assaulted by a ceiling light.

To mope - to be unhappy and unwilling to think or act in a positive way, especially because of a disappointment. So what I'm getting from it is that Cain woke up, started "rustling his body" (?????????), groaned and went "uwuwuwuw I'm so poor and unlucky uwuwuwuwu"? Because this is essentially what "moping" means.

There's a lot of repetition too:

Landing in a pile of mud, the boy's body was layered with murky brown and grossness.

The boy's eyes darted around his surroundings

All he could see were endless, large trees.

The trees had dark brownish-green trunks with what looked like black sludge leaking from them.

Cain opened his mouth, but suddenly he coughed up blood on the floor. The blood was green and black.

There are issues with logic:

His clothes were stained and tattered, but his eyes glimmered with a youthful playfulness contradicting his age.

Years of toiling alone as a gravedigger had made him bitter and withdrawn.

So he either had still a youthful playfulness in him or he was old, bitter and grumpy. This characterization is contradicting itself. A person who is bitter and withdrawn won't have "youthful playfulness" in their eyes. Their eyes are going to be blank, expressionless and at best are going to burn with hatred.
When you create a character, you give them personality and whenever you write a scene with them, you have to ask yourself if this is how this kind of person would act under these circumstances. Otherwise, you risk making you readers feel like they are reading about a bunch of people with split personality disorder.

Getting a good look at the boy, the grave digger turned around, walked to the wheelbarrow, and pulled out some dirty clothes stained in what looked to be dirt and blood.

The man sighed again and finally explained himself, "I didn't kill them; these poor souls died of a plague,

"I almost forgot! You're going to have to see a plague doctor to get checked up. You don't have any immunity to the diseases here.

Okay, so I know that your story is all about controlling diseases and stuff, but I have to complain about this.

If there's a plague running amok in a society, no sane people are going to be dealing with them like this. Those who died from a contagious disease will be usually burned or at least use lime when burying them in the ground. It's to prevent the disease from spreading further.

You, on the other hand, tell me that not only the plague victims aren't handled with at least a dose of care, but Feick also takes off bloodied clothes and gives them to someone who is not immune to any of the pathogens?!

No amount of mental gymnastics is going to make me buy any of this.

Now, before I end, I have to talk about your chapter 4, because the nosedive in the quality was so big that almost gave me whiplash.

Cain was thrown onto the cold, damp alley floor.

Ground. Floor is at home or on a terrace. Ground is everything else.

Cain's face contorted with dread, and upon seeing this, the leader exclaimed in surprise, "Wallace, you were right! He is one of those filthy shits! This is going to be way more fun now!"

Very wonky sentence.

Cain's face contorted from dread, betraying the truth.
"Wallace, you were right! He is one of those filthy shits!" The leader exclaimed. "This is going to be way more fun now!"

The group inched closer, picking up objects like planks, rocks, and even a metal pipe from the ground.

Thank you for giving me this invaluable insight. I wouldn't have guessed that planks, rocks and even a metal pipe on the ground are objects.

The leader had a bat and a look of thrill filled his face as he raised it to swing.

First of all, this sentence sounds like it was written by an elementary schooler who's vocabulary can be counted on the fingers of one hand. "A look of thrill filled his face" how about "he looked thrilled"? Why overcomplicating so much?

"AAARGH! Ahhh!" He proceeded to scream in agony.

"he screamed in agony". It was a fast, violent action, so you want to make sure that you portray it as such. Saying "proceeded to scream" slows it down and stretches it. It loses the impact.

The leader used his foot to kick Cain in the nose.

Have you ever seen anyone kicking with anything else but a leg (or either part of it)? No. The answer is no. Then there's no reason to say that "he used his foot to kick" because "kick" in itself is carrying the information that there was a feet involved (we know it's not a knee from the context).

In an instant, Cain fell to the ground

How did he fall to the ground if he was already on the ground?

Cain was thrown onto the cold, damp alley floor

If he fell any lower, he would clip out of bounds and I doubt you want to write your world like Bethesda makes their games.

Bam! Pow! Boom!

ಠ_ಠ
No.

After a minute or so of non-stop torment

My dude, what are they? Tik-tok children with the attention span of a goldfish? If they were tormenting him for barely a minute, then all they could do was to kick him twice maybe three times. If they got bored that fast then there's no way in hell Cain would end as a literal puddle.

Panicked, he rushed over and attempted to pick up the boy. Trying to pick up Cain was like trying to pick up a muddy puddle, it was challenging.

Feick got Cain in his arms and rushed back to the clinic with what looked like a crushed corpse. A man walking on the street witnessed this and was horrified, a lady fainted watching the old hoot carry Cain.

"I... I have no idea how to treat this. Isn't he dead?" John brought Cain to an operating table and examined the pile of skin and broken bones.

The Plague Doctor started to reshape Cain into a more human form, unlike the tangled mess Cain had been moments ago. It was akin to completing a puzzle, albeit a disgusting one.

My dude... Bro... We get it. He was massacred. We get it. You don't have to hammer it in every other sentence that Cain was a mess of gore and blood and flesh and hughhhuwaaaaa pshhhhhh bleeehhhh... We get it.

You know, to shock your audience it's not enough to just keep saying "IT WAS SO TERRIBLE LIKE A COMPLETE MASSACRE LIKE SERIOUSLY BELIEVE ME IT WAS SO GROSS AND GORY AND OMG PEOPLE FAINTED". The more you throw at people the more desensitized they are. The key is to use it sparingly. Enough to make them flinch, but not enough for them to tune it out.

There is a lot more that I could point out, but that would require me to spend another couple of days to do so and this is something I simply have no time to do.

I hope that it will at least give you a starting point.

Good luck and happy writing!

 

[Deleted member 146224]

This week, I probably won't be able to do more than 1 feedback a day, so I'd like to apologize everyone waiting
<(＿　＿)>
Don't worry, though, as I will answer everyone in this thread, no matter how many people requests for it. This thread will be permanently open, so anyone can jump in whenever they feel like it

 

[MatchaChocolate69]

This week, I probably won't be able to do more than 1 feedback a day, so I'd like to apologize everyone waiting
<(＿　＿)>
Don't worry, though, as I will answer everyone in this thread, no matter how many people requests for it. This thread will be permanently open, so anyone can jump in whenever they feel like it

Ane-san, your feedback is amazing, you can see all the effort you put into it. ?
There's so much more behind that daikon, but you hide it very well. Thank you for your work and please take your time, because the result is worth it and I hope those who have subjected themselves to your judgment appreciate your work, because it's gold. ?

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Ane-san, your feedback is amazing, you can see all the effort you put into it. ?
There's so much more behind that daikon, but you hide it very well. Thank you for your work and please take your time, because the result is worth it and I hope those who have subjected themselves to your judgment appreciate your work, because it's gold. ?

Thank you, Matcha-kun You always say the sweetest things (づ￣ ³￣)づ