Feedback thread (yes, another one)

[Deleted member 146224]

Boo~
my story is somewhere in my signature… I think~
Roast my story~

I will pretend it's my first time reading it, but you'll have to wait for your turn anyways. In this thread this Daikon has to be objective

 

[MatchaChocolate69]

I've been planning to do this for quite some time now, but was waiting for a better moment. Seeing, however, that it may never come, I'm just gonna wing it.

You can share novels of any genre and with any tags - I'm here to give feedback, not to build a reading list. I can't promise that you'll get your feedback on the same day, though.

If you want to get some feedback from this Daikon, please post a link to it in this thread.

You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into, Ane-san!
That's why I admire you, though. Good luck, the service you are doing is very helpful.
I hope this work of yours is appreciated by those who submit their novels because it takes so much time and energy.

 

[Rookieqw]

Thank you for your kind offer! Here is my story:

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1042505-hordedoom/chapter/1050298/

It failed, so don't pull your punches and say what sucks and why it's sucks, if possible. I plan to finish the novel and learn from it, and feedback is greatly appreciated.

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Here is my psychological, slice-of-life novel. I look forward to hearing from you, Danny.

Feelings and Fondness

A Trains On The Brain series story. In the mid-2000s, eleven-year-old Robin Brush lives in the commuter belt village of Stanstead Abbotts in Hertfordshire, England. He suffers constantly from being bullied, ridiculed, or misunderstood by almost everyone. Forced to live an isolated life as an...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello @harrydouthwaite! This Daikon familiarized herself with your novel and shall share her thoughts about it now


You get a big + for obviously putting a lot of thought into your writing. The genre and themes you picked are certainly not common for the novels posted on SH, but I hope you won't get discouraged by it.

The first thing that I want to point out to you is the length of your chapters. Chapter 1 alone is around 7k words. While long chapters aren't a big issue in traditionally published books, webnovels are a different story completely.

A good portion of your readers are going to be reading on mobile devices, while commuting or waiting for their shift to end. Your readers may not always have the privilege to read the full chapter in one go. They may be forced to spread it over time and this is where problems occur.

While with a traditional book they would be able to just throw in a bookmark and resume later with no issues, digital books don't offer that convenience. Pages refresh, tabs are accidentally closed, etc. Your readers may be forced to scroll through the same chapter multiple times to find again their last stopping point. It's good etiquette to make it as easy as possible for them to do this and that is the reason why I would strongly recommend splitting your current chapters in half.

Your chapter 1 even has a very good natural division that you could use.

Around halfway through, Robin finally meets Timothy and realizes they are going to be neighbors. It's the beginning of their friendship, but also a good conclusion to the chapter titled "New Neighbors". Seeing the title, the reader expects to be introduced to the new neighbors and presumably, the second main character, and this is precisely what happens. Ending the first chapter at this moment and giving the second half it's own chapter also builds anticipation for the next part.

Chapter 1 would conclude at ~3500 words, which would make it easier to finish in one go.

---

Another thing I noticed in your writing is that your paragraphs are quite lengthy.

Generally speaking, each new thought should begin with a new paragraph. Taking the very first paragraph in your novel:

Rays of morning late-June sunshine warmed the air. Newly-sprouted green leaves on dozens of tall trees fluttered and rustled in a gentle breeze at St. Margarets station. Under the shade of the white wooden canopy of the building on the first platform, a lean eleven year old boy sat alone on a blue metal bench. His slightly curly, sandy hair hung about his face uncombed. He was dressed in his school uniform, a crimson sweatshirt with a the a white polo shirt underneath, and grey trousers. He scratched at the collar of his undershirt, it had turned to face upwards under his chin and felt uncomfortable. He reached down for his backpack and pulled out a paper notebook in his left hand, on the front his name was inscribed in blue pen – Robin Brush.

This one section can be divided into 4 chunks of information:
1. The establishing shot
2. Zooming in
3. Description
4. Action
Based on that we could easily split that one long paragraph into 4:

Rays of morning late-June sunshine warmed the air. Newly-sprouted green leaves on dozens of tall trees fluttered and rustled in a gentle breeze at St. Margarets station.

Under the shade of the white wooden canopy of the building on the first platform, a lean eleven year old boy sat alone on a blue metal bench. His slightly curly, sandy hair hung about his face uncombed.

He was dressed in his school uniform, a crimson sweatshirt with a the a white polo shirt underneath, and grey trousers.

He scratched at the collar of his undershirt, it had turned to face upwards under his chin and felt uncomfortable. He reached down for his backpack and pulled out a paper notebook in his left hand, on the front his name was inscribed in blue pen – Robin Brush.

The first paragraph is an establishing shot. It's giving us the general view of the scene and informs the reader of what kind of image should they build in their head for it. It is a complete, coherent unit of information, and therefore can be separated from the others with its own paragraph.

Then, "the camera" moves and focuses on the next important element. Here it's the MC. This unit of the information is the transition between the wide overview of the scene to a more focused one, so it will contain elements of both. It's the meeting point. It connects the 2 other parts and provides a smooth transition between them, and so it can also be split up as its own paragraph.

Next, we get the first look at the MC. We get a brief description of what he's wearing. The only goal of this fragment is to describe the physical appearance of the MC to the reader, so they know what image of him they should have.

Lastly, you move to the story. You introduce movement to previously static image and conclude the introductory part of this section, hence it's only natural to split this part into its own paragraph.

---

The next thing on the list are unnecessary scenes and details.

Throughout the chapter, you are very adamant about describing the MC's environment in great detail. You leave very little for the reader's imagination, and instead lead them by hand through a path you thoroughly prepared for them. It feels quite overbearing.

You should let your readers take liberties as to how they imagine the scene. It is impossible to perfectly direct somebody's imagination, and in the end everyone reading your story will have their own image of the environment, characters and events.

As a writer it is your job to guide your readers, to tell them which parts they should pay more attention to, because they may be important in the future. If you describe every action, every building and every train with great detail, it becomes noise that detracts from the important things in the story.

One of the examples of that is in this part:

He entered the cloakroom and put his backpack on the floor. He opened it and took out a drawstring bag, which contained his change of clothes for P.E. Then he hung his backpack on the upper hook, and took out everything else he would need.

You mention the bag with Robin's P.E. clothes, which later on becomes important for one of the events that occur. The problem is that by that time, the readers were already drowned with tons of details regarding the colors of the train, time, train numbers and a telephone number and "Report Crime" sign. Seeing how much attention was given to each of those elements made me believe that each one of those would become an important plot point.

By the end of the chapter only the P.E. bag was important, while the rest of the details turned out to be completely redundant.

You have to remember that the more attention you give to something, the more time you spend describing it, the more emphasis is being put on it. The reader will start feeling that this is something they should keep in mind and so, they will make an effort to remember this information. Throw too much info at them, and they will start feeling overwhelmed and will be more likely to drop your story.

Later, Robin is sitting in math class and struggling with multiplication. You spent a lot of time on this scene and imho, a lot of it is unnecessary. I understand that you want to point out that Robin is struggling with certain aspects of it, but this can be shown without giving the reader a math lesson.

When planning a scene, it's good to ask yourself a question: "Is it really important for my story? Would anything change if I removed it?". Not being limited by a page limit given by a publisher shouldn't be the reason to overwhelm the reader with events that have no real purpose in the story. It's boring.



As I mentioned in the other feedback, this is only this Daikon's thoughts and so everything that was written here, should be considered a subjective advice on the matter.

Happy writing and good luck with your story!

 

[HellsPerfectSpawn]

Greetings, I request feedback and general advice for a beginner effort from yours truly.

Any help/guidance will also be very appreciated.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1096576/son-of-the-sun/

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Hello Ms. Veggie, here’s mine.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1076830/royal-reboot-level-up-your-majesty/

Thanks in advance.

Henlo

Okay, I'm going to be really honest here. I had to sweat a lot to find things to complain about Outside of a couple of nitpicky things, your writing is very good. I said that I wasn't planning to build a reading list, but ended up adding Royal Reboot... to the list, because it's perfectly up my alley

Anyways, time for nitpicking!

The thing that quickly became apparent to me is that you have a tendency to favor style over matter. You are clearly skilled with words and your sentences are carefully crafted. The problem is that on a few occasions, that nicely crafted sentence can get in the way of understanding the message.
An example would be here:

Purpose? Tales whispered by flickering candlelight spoke of vibrant meadows bathed in sunlight and glaciers that scraped the sky. Fueled by this strange curiosity, Eydis embarked on a relentless campaign of conquest. Each victory expanded her empire, each fallen kingdom adding another shard to her obsidian crown.

The way you constructed this paragraph makes it look like "the tales whispered by flickering candlelight..." is her purpose, while in reality the answer doesn't come until the end of the next sentence - the conquest. Usually, seeing a question like that, would build an expectation that the answer is going to follow immediately. Here, the answer is unnecessarily hidden from the reader and forces them to look for it.

Also, this is just a "me" thing, but I would move both "Remember?" and "Purpose?" into their own lines, to give more emphasis to the questions.

Lastly, there are times when you take a bit of shortcut in your writing, jumping from one thought to the other unexpectedly.
Example:

‘Not much for conversation, are we?’ Eydis thought, shrugging. First things first: intel on the teenage Eydis. The phone was a good start, but a bath with rose petals sounded infinitely more appealing.

So

First things first: intel on the teenage Eydis

This makes us believe that the next action Eydis is going to take is going to be related to learning more about the teenage Eydis, but then in the next bit you say:

The phone was a good start, but a bath with rose petals sounded infinitely more appealing.

This may be my sleep deprivation talking, but... how does a bath relate to getting an intel on someone? That is, of course, clarified later, when Eydis reveals to Natalia that her actions are supposed to test her friend. It takes you a moment to get there, so during that time reader is left slightly confused.

That being said, none of those things are big and frankly you can read the novel just fine with them, but having the creases like this ironed out, will make the experience even more smooth and enjoyable

I can definitely recommend reading "Royal Reboot..." especially to all yuri/GL fans. That's a good stuff right there

 

[RiaCorvidiva]

Alright, let's see how much of Godslayer Lysette you can handle.

 

[LoneQuack]

Hi! I'm very new to all this and would really appreciate someone's feedback. I started writing a year ago and while finding it very challenging, fell in love with it but it's hard to get a better answer than "yeah its good" and then leave it at that. Thank you in advance!

It's a mix of action adventure and mystery, sparkled with a little comedy on top.

Thread of Fate

Fate is a funny word. People love to play with its meaning and its applications. Some call it destiny, others call it inevitable, and a few tend to accompany it with worlds that give it direction. ‘Thread of Fate’ – ah, if fate were a thread, what would that mean? What...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Here's mine if you want to take a look:

Genre: Isekai Progression Fantasy

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1026411/reincarnation-of-wrath-can-i-become-the-strongest-in-this-new-world/

Hello @PrototypeHD! It's time for your portion of feedback

Lets start with the most glaring issue.

You are writing your story as if you were narrating a football game or a boxing match.

The difference between a report and a novel is in its form. A report is supposed to be brief, concise and to the point. A novel, on the other hand, is an artistic outlet. What happens is as important as how it's presented.

In your writing, there's no narration, there's only reporting.

Another problem that arises when writing this way, is making the story feel like a sprint.
In writing, short sentences are usually used (among others) to depict a fast and swift action, while longer, complex sentences feel slower. This is one of the tools at writers' disposal to guide and shape the reader's imagination.

Since almost all of your sentences are very short, the reader doesn't have much time to catch a break, because the action keeps galloping ahead. By chapter 2 I felt absolutely exhausted

I talked about structuring the paragraphs previously, so I won't be repeating myself. I'd recommend looking at my other feedback, to get a better idea of what to keep in mind in regards to it.

I want to also point out that in English, the subject "I" is capitalized at any time. I won't be talking about grammar here, because this is something that can be easily ran through ChatGPT or Grammarly, to fix most glaring mistakes. You should look into those two options, as there were some mistakes in your writing (I know, that English isn't your native language, but you should still write with accordance of grammar).

There are more things that caught my attention, but to be completely honest, you should first and foremost focus on learning to properly narrate your story. Without it, you will be always struggling with writing. Once that is done, you can start worrying about the rest.

I would also like to recommend to you to read a lot. And then read some more. Preferably, traditionally published books. This is truly the best way to learn to write.

Good luck on your journey and happy writing!

 

[AstreiaNyx]

Henlo

Okay, I'm going to be really honest here. I had to sweat a lot to find things to complain about Outside of a couple of nitpicky things, your writing is very good. I said that I wasn't planning to build a reading list, but ended up adding Royal Reboot... to the list, because it's perfectly up my alley

Also, this is just a "me" thing, but I would move both "Remember?" and "Purpose?" into their own lines, to give more emphasis to the questions.

Lastly, there are times when you take a bit of shortcut in your writing, jumping from one thought to the other unexpectedly.


I can definitely recommend reading "Royal Reboot..." especially to all yuri/GL fans. That's a good stuff right there

Thanks, Daikon-chan, the root of all that is crunchy, pickled, tangy, and sweet ???️?! I'm so happy you like my story, and I'm already thinking of ways to sneak a daikon reference into my next chapter.

And you're right, I spent so much time writing Chapter 1 that Chapters 2-4 were a bit rushed, and I appreciate you pointing out the areas that could be improved. I'm planning to revise them a bit when I have time.

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts! Again, giving feedback can be a lot of work with little reward. May you continue to grace every bento box with your rad-ish-iating presence!

 

[Verdant]

Sure, I’ll expose my metaphysical body, hoping to be attacked.

Aperol Spritz [HIATUS]

In the year 1846, humans made a deal with 4th dimensional beings to leave a dying and polluting earth by teleporting to an aquatic exo-planet named Portunus. Vast blue oceans with little land, blue grass, and life-killing robots that generate from the planet’s atmosphere is a constant. Luckily...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Thanks, Daikon-chan, the root of all that is crunchy, pickled, tangy, and sweet ???️?! I'm so happy you like my story, and I'm already thinking of ways to sneak a daikon reference into my next chapter.

This Daikon is flattered ?

And you're right, I spent so much time writing Chapter 1 that Chapters 2-4 were a bit rushed, and I appreciate you pointing out the areas that could be improved. I'm planning to revise them a bit when I have time.

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts! Again, giving feedback can be a lot of work with little reward. May you continue to grace every bento box with your rad-ish-iating presence!

Thank you again for your kind words You can expect to see me in the comment section I stopped at ch5 because I got hooked on and had to remind myself that I'm supposed to give feedback

 

[Deleted member 146224]

I'll happily take any feedback.

A Tamer’s Adventure

Martyn, a young staunch panther-kin male, must find a way to power under his class as a monster tamer. Now fending for himself as an adventurer, he finds a chance when his failure rewards him, sparking a drive within him. To build a loving and strong monster girl, Harem! Note:...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello @LesserCodex! Time for your feedback

---

You're good at narrating and telling a story. If you spend a little bit more time proofreading your chapters to fix some spelling errors, reading it can become a very pleasant experience.

The biggest obstacle on the path to making your writing good, and not only decent, is logic. Or rather the lack of it. This + awkward wording/phrasing makes it really difficult to enjoy your story.

It hurt like hell. A mind-splitting headache was not the simplest explanation; it was more like something grabbed his brain, split it open, and poured oil inside in the form of memories.

Much better would be to say:

To call it a mind-splitting headache would be an understatement

Because you're not explaining anything at that point yet. You're stating that the character is feeling "a mind-splitting headache".

And then there was the system, not caring for the situation that sounded in his mind as packets of memories unloaded, or better memories.

"Or better memories" what? I understand that the MC was flooded with new memories, but what does "or better memories" refer to? Were you trying to say that he gained new and better memories as an addition to his own? Then, it would be better to say:

...the situation that sounded in his mind as packets of memories unloaded. Better memories.

---

“This is amazing! Appraise!” He called the skill’s name, which he didn’t have, and he never did, but the excitement took hold of him.

If he doesn't have the skill then how is it that he's able to use it? Besides you said that he gained it just a moment ago:

[The following skills have been registered: Biology (1) Appraisal (1) cooking (1)]

Unless you mean that he used to not have it until this very moment, then:

He called the skill’s name, which he never had before, but the excitement took hold of him.

Also, "but the excitement took hold of him" makes no sense here. Why "but"? Why is him getting excited in contradiction to calling the skill that he has just learned? He never had it before, so it clearly makes a lot of sense to get hyped, no?

Martyn only gained knowledge and no emotions from the soul, meaning it had died a while back, so for all purposes, Martyn was still himself.

What purposes? Or maybe it was supposed to be "for all intents and purposes", which is an equivalent for "in effect", so it would mean that "Martyn is, effectively, still himself"?

Also, it's not emotions that determine that "you" are "you". It's the things one experiences and memories of it. Since Martyn gained a whole bunch of new memories it should've had an effect on his personality, because he was exposed to new experiences through other Martyn's memories.

---

“Let’s go! Yes! I’m not a one-monster tamer!”

Okay, so at this point it becomes clear that whatever Martyn did moments before the story started was a success. If so then why on earth do you make it seem like it was a big flop at the beginning?

“Fuck!” He hissed like a cat, remembering the waste of materials.
A summoning circle wasn’t cheap, all that money and help had gone down the drain.

Just feels very contradictory, to what you tell us next.

---

Since forming a bond with a monster was such a sacred thing, akin to a marriage, why not have pleasantries with it as well?

My dude... You are telling me that, he voluntarily gave up on the most natural, logical and reasonable decision to get a powerhouse side-kick monster, so he can... get laid? If so, then no wonders the MC was a laughing stock

It excited him to have a monster girl wife—powerful and pleasurable—it took him.

Where? "It took him" where?

It excited him to have a monster girl wife—powerful and pleasurable—it took him. Monster girls already existed; they weren’t powerful beings

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

A monster girl was a monster who evolved into a girl.

Thank you for this enlightenment. I would have never guessed otherwise.

A title followed their evolution; tribes of lizard men and women, dragons, and beast-kin who descended from one wouldn’t have the title even though they were monster girls and boys.

???

With the evolution came a title. On the other hand, those who were born as one didn't have it.

Why overcomplicating it so much when it can be summed up to this.

'Besides, it’s prohibited for a monster tamer to form with the monster races considering the threat.’

To form what with the monster? A bond? Then if it's forbidden to tame and form a bond with a monster, then how the hell is this class even allowed to exist?

Something he learned in the last years at the academy was that if the tamer died, the monster would go berserk from the link to a dead soul, and feeling the anguish and pain of death would drive them mad and often result in a disaster.

Normal monsters often went feral and returned to their animalistic nature or became domesticated by beast masters, but it was hellish for a monster girl.

I am here to ask you once again - how it this legal for monster-tamers to even exist then? This sounds terrible. No sane government would allow for a bunch of people - who risk their lives on a daily basis - to run around and tame a ticking bomb.

...but it was hellish for a monster girl.
“But there’s nothing against taming a monster who evolved into a monster girl.” He said.

Looking for loopholes in laws made for a valid reason, for his own selfish gains...
Wow. So the MC is not only an idiot, but an asshole too. What a combo.

putting aside costs and other requirements; his only issue was options.

And the laws. And the ethics of beating a monster, enslaving it and raising it to become his sex-slave.

---

“Damn it all. I’m strong enough to even fight one.”

If he's strong enough to fight one, then where's the issue? I don't get it.

a female goblin was too rare—one in ten thousand—and even if so, they’d die from being raped by their own.

Sounds like the goblins are on the verge of extinction then.

Further down the list was one he could see as a possibility: a lizard girl or, more accurately, a Kobold.

In this part you interrupt the chain of thoughts about monster girls, because the MC is getting too excited. You spent some time talking about it and then out of the blue you go back to talking about Kobolds. It kills the flow.
It would run much smoother if you first finished talking about the Kobolds, and only at the end Martyn mentions being too excited, he would explain his circumstances and then get up to go home.

---

It was a training method done by beast-kin such as his to earn a mental resistance skill

Seeing how he got horny from merely thinking about monster boobs, sounds like it's not working.

to level it up, he had to resist every temptation, especially when he was hot

Okay, let me get this straight. He's doing no nut challenge, because it's supposed to build his mental resistance (x) and to make it actually work he has to resist "every temptation". Every. Temptation. Doesn't that mean that getting a sex-slave would actively work against it?

An example of soundproofing all one needed was a few sigils on each wall that was that, and the same for heating and such.

Why are you suddenly giving an example of soundproofing? You weren't talking about it before. You were talking about the similarities in architecture and engineering between two worlds, so it should be more like along the lines of:

One of the examples was soundproofing. All it took was a few sigils on each wall and that's it. It was the same for heating and such.

Plumbing, however, seemed to be a constant between the two.

Why? It makes no sense for plumbing only to be the same. This world doesn't even use stoves, that are arguably much easier and require less effort to construct than plumbing. Why can't they make a sigil at the bottom of the hole that would incinerate the crap out of existence. Or make a teleportation sigil that would send it to the core of the planet, or to the surface of the sun or into a volcano or into a void, or...
You get the idea. There is a multitude of ways to deal with it with the use of magic, so it's completely illogical to build such complex thing as plumbing.

---

Knowledge was a safely guarded tool in this world; anyone could gain access to the library with a slip

It was so safely guarded that anyone could gain access to it. Completely contradictory.

Knowledge was a safely guarded tool in this world. If anyone wished to gain access to the library they had to acquire a special slip.

---

The rock lizard crashed into the ground, crying in pain as the arrow drilled through its shell, killing it.

[+8 Exp]

It left a crack and a dying hiss as another rock lizard fell. Earning him this time four years of experience.

Let's assume that Martyn kills one rock lizard a day and each rock lizard gives him 8 xp.
Let's also assume that one year is 365 days.
4 x 365 = 1460
1460 x 8 = 11 680

11 680 experience point for some random rock lizard that he offed in a split second. What the f...

[Male Kobold level 3] [Male Kobold level 1] [Male Kobold level 1]
...
Gaining sixteen experience points.

Bruh... He just got 11k for some random bug on a wall.

---

Normally, I try to not be so nitpicky and overlook small leaps in logic as long as they don't spoil the overall experience. In your story, however, this happens nearly every sentence. The density of those leaps is so high, that it's simply impossible to ignore, hence my reaction. I'm being even more harsh, because your story is tagged as smut. It may not be a popular opinion, but I believe that writing smut requires even more attention to detail than non-smut stories. The reason for it is simple -- mistakes break your immersion and force you out of the story. It's bad on it's own, but when you're trying to read smut, that needs immersion to work, it's even worse. Kills the mood and makes things incredibly awkward.

Good luck with your novel and happy writing!

 

[LesserCodex]

? Why is him getting excite

Hello @LesserCodex! Time for your feedback

---

You're good at narrating and telling a story. If you spend a little bit more time proofreading your chapters to fix some spelling errors, reading it can become a very pleasant experience.

The biggest obstacle on the path to making your writing good, and not only decent, is logic. Or rather the lack of it. This + awkward wording/phrasing makes it really difficult to enjoy your story.


Much better would be to say:

Because you're not explaining anything at that point yet. You're stating that the character is feeling "a mind-splitting headache".


"Or better memories" what? I understand that the MC was flooded with new memories, but what does "or better memories" refer to? Were you trying to say that he gained new and better memories as an addition to his own? Then, it would be better to say:

---

If he doesn't have the skill then how is it that he's able to use it? Besides you said that he gained it just a moment ago:

Unless you mean that he used to not have it until this very moment, then:

Also, "but the excitement took hold of him" makes no sense here. Why "but"? Why is him getting excited in contradiction to calling the skill that he has just learned? He never had it before, so it clearly makes a lot of sense to get hyped, no?


What purposes? Or maybe it was supposed to be "for all intents and purposes", which is an equivalent for "in effect", so it would mean that "Martyn is, effectively, still himself"?

Also, it's not emotions that determine that "you" are "you". It's the things one experiences and memories of it. Since Martyn gained a whole bunch of new memories it should've had an effect on his personality, because he was exposed to new experiences through other Martyn's memories.

---

Okay, so at this point it becomes clear that whatever Martyn did moments before the story started was a success. If so then why on earth do you make it seem like it was a big flop at the beginning?

Just feels very contradictory, to what you tell us next.

---

My dude... You are telling me that, he voluntarily gave up on the most natural, logical and reasonable decision to get a powerhouse side-kick monster, so he can... get laid? If so, then no wonders the MC was a laughing stock

Where? "It took him" where?

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)


Thank you for this enlightenment. I would have never guessed otherwise.


???

Why overcomplicating it so much when it can be summed up to this.


To form what with the monster? A bond? Then if it's forbidden to tame and form a bond with a monster, then how the hell is this class even allowed to exist?


I am here to ask you once again - how it this legal for monster-tamers to even exist then? This sounds terrible. No sane government would allow for a bunch of people - who risk their lives on a daily basis - to run around and tame a ticking bomb.


Looking for loopholes in laws made for a valid reason, for his own selfish gains...
Wow. So the MC is not only an idiot, but an asshole too. What a combo.


And the laws. And the ethics of beating a monster, enslaving it and raising it to become his sex-slave.

---

If he's strong enough to fight one, then where's the issue? I don't get it.


Sounds like the goblins are on the verge of extinction then.


In this part you interrupt the chain of thoughts about monster girls, because the MC is getting too excited. You spent some time talking about it and then out of the blue you go back to talking about Kobolds. It kills the flow.
It would run much smoother if you first finished talking about the Kobolds, and only at the end Martyn mentions being too excited, he would explain his circumstances and then get up to go home.

---

Seeing how he got horny from merely thinking about monster boobs, sounds like it's not working.


Okay, let me get this straight. He's doing no nut challenge, because it's supposed to build his mental resistance (x) and to make it actually work he has to resist "every temptation". Every. Temptation. Doesn't that mean that getting a sex-slave would actively work against it?


Why are you suddenly giving an example of soundproofing? You weren't talking about it before. You were talking about the similarities in architecture and engineering between two worlds, so it should be more like along the lines of:



Why? It makes no sense for plumbing only to be the same. This world doesn't even use stoves, that are arguably much easier and require less effort to construct than plumbing. Why can't they make a sigil at the bottom of the hole that would incinerate the crap out of existence. Or make a teleportation sigil that would send it to the core of the planet, or to the surface of the sun or into a volcano or into a void, or...
You get the idea. There is a multitude of ways to deal with it with the use of magic, so it's completely illogical to build such complex thing as plumbing.

---

It was so safely guarded that anyone could gain access to it. Completely contradictory.

---

Let's assume that Martyn kills one rock lizard a day and each rock lizard gives him 8 xp.
Let's also assume that one year is 365 days.
4 x 365 = 1460
1460 x 8 = 11 680

11 680 experience point for some random rock lizard that he offed in a split second. What the f...


Bruh... He just got 11k for some random bug on a wall.

---

Normally, I try to not be so nitpicky and overlook small leaps in logic as long as they don't spoil the overall experience. In your story, however, this happens nearly every sentence. The density of those leaps is so high, that it's simply impossible to ignore, hence my reaction. I'm being even more harsh, because your story is tagged as smut. It may not be a popular opinion, but I believe that writing smut requires even more attention to detail than non-smut stories. The reason for it is simple -- mistakes break your immersion and force you out of the story. It's bad on it's own, but when you're trying to read smut, that needs immersion to work, it's even worse. Kills the mood and makes things incredibly awkward.

Good luck with your novel and happy writing!

First of all, thank you so much I've been waiting for a critique and dont worry about being nitpicky I enjoyed it. And it helped as I feel other readers feel the same and this'll help me write better. I did not know how much went into writing.

Thank you for saying I'm decent at narrating and telling a story cuz I was not when writing my fanfics. And I'll take more time to proofread and fix spelling errors. I see now I need to check and make sure the logic makes sense as I'm writing to not break immersion and have the readers spend more time questioning than reading, I went back and worked on the things you mentioned and will continue to do so with future chapters.

For the monster girls, titles were simple to fix. It was meant to be forming a bond with human-level intelligent monster races that were prohibited.

The psycho monster girl shit after the tamer died, I improved on that to only gruesome situations like torture, but common deaths, old age, accidental or even death by adventuring wouldn't have them going mad, only suffer from depression and isolation habits.

Also fixed the four-year experience hiccup don't know how that happened, and I see it would've been fixed if I proofread more.

I'll work on my logic and awkward working/phrasing, to make things simpler, and hopefully, I'll get better. I want to go back and check to spot these sorts of things before I move forward, and again thanks for the feedback I greatly appreciate it!

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Overpowered Witch Reincarnation

I died. Then, I was reborn in a forest surrounded by monsters. The only logical thing that any sane person would do at that point is to train their magic for a thousand years. However! The forest became lonely, so I decided to go on an adventure! What to expect?...

www.scribblehub.com

Please roast this story hard. I could use the verbal abuse.

Henlo Enby-chan I came here to roast you I will roast you so hard. You will squirm and beg for mercy, but I'll keep going. You can cry all you want, but this Daikon won't stop!
...
..
.


I have nothing ○|￣|_
I have nothing to really complain about! 〒▽〒
No... I must find something! (ง'̀-'́)ง

....
I AM DEFEATED 〒▽〒

Funsies aside, you are very good, and it's not a secret or a surprise to anyone. It's a pleasure to read your stuff and I don't have any issues with it.

I was trying to be nitpicky about a couple of things, but the more I was writing about it and thinking about it I realized that all of it was addressed somewhere down the line or that it was actually quite reasonable turn of events considering that the MC is a bit (just a tiny lil bit tho) a goofball. Reading up to chapter 5, I really can't find anything

Well done! Also please no spoilers, I want to read the rest of it

 

[daight]

It excited him to have a monster girl wife—powerful and pleasurable—it took him. Monster girls already existed; they weren’t powerful beings

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

I don't laugh much, but this reaction cracks me up so hard I actually laughed out.

 

[Deleted member 146224]

First of all, thank you so much I've been waiting for a critique and dont worry about being nitpicky I enjoyed it. And it helped as I feel other readers feel the same and this'll help me write better. I did not know how much went into writing.

Thank you for saying I'm decent at narrating and telling a story cuz I was not when writing my fanfics. And I'll take more time to proofread and fix spelling errors. I see now I need to check and make sure the logic makes sense as I'm writing to not break immersion and have the readers spend more time questioning than reading, I went back and worked on the things you mentioned and will continue to do so with future chapters.

For the monster girls, titles were simple to fix. It was meant to be forming a bond with human-level intelligent monster races that were prohibited.

The psycho monster girl shit after the tamer died, I improved on that to only gruesome situations like torture, but common deaths, old age, accidental or even death by adventuring wouldn't have them going mad, only suffer from depression and isolation habits.

Also fixed the four-year experience hiccup don't know how that happened, and I see it would've been fixed if I proofread more.

I'll work on my logic and awkward working/phrasing, to make things simpler, and hopefully, I'll get better. I want to go back and check to spot these sorts of things before I move forward, and again thanks for the feedback I greatly appreciate it!

I'm glad my ramblings were useful And I'm really sorry for being so harsh. To be completely honest, I only get heated up if I feel like someone isn't meeting their full potential, because of stupid mistakes.

Everything I pointed out shouldn't be hard to fix with a bit of patience and carefulness. You have a talent, so I hope that you'll keep honing your skills

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Henlo Enby-chan I came here to roast you I will roast you so hard. You will squirm and beg for mercy, but I'll keep going. You can cry all you want, but this Daikon won't stop!
...
..
.


I have nothing ○|￣|_
I have nothing to really complain about! 〒▽〒
No... I must find something! (ง'̀-'́)ง

....
I AM DEFEATED 〒▽〒

Funsies aside, you are very good, and it's not a secret or a surprise to anyone. It's a pleasure to read your stuff and I don't have any issues with it.

I was trying to be nitpicky about a couple of things, but the more I was writing about it and thinking about it I realized that all of it was addressed somewhere down the line or that it was actually quite reasonable turn of events considering that the MC is a bit (just a tiny lil bit tho) a goofball. Reading up to chapter 5, I really can't find anything

Well done! Also please no spoilers, I want to read the rest of it

Thanks! If you find something further down the line I’d be happy to be notified!

 

[Deleted member 146224]

Thanks! If you find something further down the line I’d be happy to be notified!

Oh, you can bet I'll let you know. I won't go down without a fight

But seriously, when giving feedback I'm always trying to focus on the things that can be objectively considered a mistake or something to improve. Even if there's something I'm personally not fond of (like a type of humor, or a genre), I will not mention it, simply because it's a personal preference and everyone has their own.

I'm saying this, because I know that you are very driven and ambitious and want to improve. What I said is not an empty flattery, it's not that I didn't point out anything, because I like you so I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything. I seriously can't find issues with your writing. Looking for something just for the sake of finding something would do more harm than good. But I'll read the rest of the available chapters and get back to you, if I find something worthy of complaining

 

[MatchaChocolate69]

Don't mind me; I was just passing by to say hello and how splendid my Ane-san is.