[Feedback Request-First-timer] Does my opening hook work? (First 3 chapters)

[Nihilun]

Hey everyone! First-timer looking for honest feedback on my opening hook (Chapters 1-3)

I wasn't sure about posting here, but I worked up the courage to do it. I've posted 13 chapters so far, but I wanted to reach out to get some feedback on my opening chapters specifically. Since I haven't gotten any reviews yet, I'd love to hear what you all think about whether the hook is working.

Specifically, I'm wondering:

• Does the opening grab your attention or does it fall flat?
• Would you keep reading past chapter 3?
• Is there anything confusing, clunky, or that just doesn't work?

I'm not looking for sugar-coating—honest critique is way more valuable to me than polite encouragement right now. If something's not working, I want to know so I can fix it before investing more time in the wrong direction.

LIGHT NOVEL LINK!

Thanks in advance for taking the time to check it out. Any feedback, brutal or otherwise, is genuinely appreciated!

 

[Eldoria]

Dude, I might disappoint you. I couldn't even read 3 chapters (or 4?) - I only managed to read 2 chapters before I ran out of breath. Why?

What I feel is that your narrator is too talkative. You try to explain everything in the narrative through the first POV even for things that are irrelevant to the current plot.

As a result, the reader loses focus and the pacing becomes very slow.

Frankly... this is bad practice. Two chapters (prologue + chapter 1) are too much info dump scattered everywhere.

I don't even recognize the other 2 characters besides the eternal goddess of youth. Your narrator is like a complainer and talks too much.

You should focus more on the plot and characters than explaining everything through the narrator.

The power of the first POV is a very immersive narrative where the narrator = the reader. It would be a shame if you use the first POV only as a commentary tool instead of a living character in its world.

Therefore, cut out all the unnecessary information. Use the narrator as a subject who feels, breathes, thinks and moves and lives the story in its world.

I don't need your explanation about guilds, dungeons, and gods... I want you to make "me" explore the guild, feel the adventurer atmosphere, take on quests, explore dungeons, and feel the tension inside the dungeon.

In essence... make the narrator an active subject who drives the plot. Avoid making the narrator a commentator.

Well, my explanation might be complicated... I gave an example of the first POV chapter in my fiction. You can compare how the first POV is used in my chapter and yours to understand the difference and maybe help you write a better narrative. Please read this chapter.

I hope this brief feedback helps you (or maybe not).

Regards.

Critical Note:
I always position myself as a casual reader who only reads once to gauge immersion. Some details may be missed, and my judgment may be biased.

 

[Macha]

Well, my explanation might be complicated... I gave an example of the first POV chapter in my fiction. You can compare how the first POV is used in my chapter and yours to understand the difference and maybe help you write a better narrative. Please read this chapter.

Using another person's thread to make people read your story. Smart and subtle. More authors should do this.

You know what else more new authors on this site should do? Use the search function and read the guide for newbies so they don't start threads like this. There are active threads from generous users providing feedback.

 

[GearMagical]

Dude, I might disappoint you. I couldn't even read 3 chapters (or 4?) - I only managed to read 2 chapters before I ran out of breath. Why?

Using another person's thread to make people read your story. Smart and subtle. More authors should do this.

You know what else more new authors on this site should do? Use the search function and read the guide for newbies so they don't start threads like this. There are active threads from generous users providing feedback.

I have a feeling that you are being cruel to him? He is a beginner; he doesn't know! You can scare people away like that, do you understand? Do you remember your first work? I am almost certain that your first work was not very good, even though you tried hard? Try to gently guide him in the right direction.

 

[Eldoria]

Using another person's thread to make people read your story. Smart and subtle. More authors should do this.

You know what else more new authors on this site should do? Use the search function and read the guide for newbies so they don't start threads like this. There are active threads from generous users providing feedback.

Well, reading my chapter is an option, not a requirement. It's easier to demonstrate a concrete example than to theorize abstractly. In research, it's a case study.

 

[L1aei]

I have a feeling that you are being cruel to him? He is a beginner; he doesn't know! You can scare people away like that, do you understand? Do you remember your first work? I am almost certain that your first work was not very good, even though you tried hard? Try to gently guide him in the right direction.

And to add onto @Eldoria offering a chapter as an example, @Macha did direct the fella to a beginner's guide, so... yeah.

 

[Eldoria]

I have a feeling that you are being cruel to him? He is a beginner; he doesn't know! You can scare people away like that, do you understand? Do you remember your first work? I am almost certain that your first work was not very good, even though you tried hard? Try to gently guide him in the right direction.

I'm not looking for sugar-coating—honest critique is way more valuable to me than polite encouragement right now. If something's not working, I want to know so I can fix it before investing more time in the wrong direction.

I'd rather do what he asked to do to sharpen a knife than stand aside and comment on other people's work.

 

[Louhi]

I have a feeling that you are being cruel to him? He is a beginner; he doesn't know! You can scare people away like that, do you understand? Do you remember your first work? I am almost certain that your first work was not very good, even though you tried hard? Try to gently guide him in the right direction.

This is Macha being gentle. You don't want to know what she can do if she is actually being cruel. She make Tempokai sound nice.

And to add onto @Eldoria offering a chapter as an example, @Macha did direct the fella to a beginner's guide, so... yeah.

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[Eldoria]

This is Macha being gentle. You don't want to know what she can do if she is actually being cruel. She make Tempokai sound nice.

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Honestly, this is helpful. But as an author... we might be forgetting a important thing: "cognitive bias."

Authors often struggle to view their work objectively, even after reading a dozen creative writing books.

Feedback offers something authors can't do as individuals: have their work seen, read, and analyzed by the perspectives of others, both readers and reviewers.

We won't know if our work is good or not until others judge it.

 

[L1aei]

??????????

 

[Louhi]

Honestly, this is helpful. But as an author... we might be forgetting one thing: "cognitive bias."

Authors often struggle to view their work objectively, even after reading a dozen creative writing books.

Feedback offers something authors can't do as individuals: have their work seen, read, and analyzed by the perspectives of others, both readers and reviewers.

We won't know if your work is good or not until others judge it.

But the most important thing is to write it first. You can make it good later.

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[GearMagical]

Well, reading my chapter is an option, not a requirement. It's easier to demonstrate a concrete example than to theorize abstractly. In research, it's a case study.

I'm sorry, perhaps I have been thinking too much about internet advertising theories. I could write about that here, but I think this is clearly not the place? Artistic themes in an anime style are probably preferred here? I put myself in the thread author's shoes and thought about aggressive advertising. Usually, if I advertise my book, I do it in threads dedicated to it and include good moments from it. Sometimes it seems to me that I haven't succeeded in advertising, but I try not to be aggressive? Do you think I am right in my method, or am I being too polite?

 

[Eldoria]

But the most important thing is to write it first. You can make it good later.

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Let’s be real for a second: Writing a great story isn’t just about getting inspired and typing like a maniac. -RepresentingWrath, 2025 The real magic? It’s foundation and polish. The two things that separate “just okay” stories from the ones readers can't put down. Sounds boring? Maybe...

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It's right. But I agree with his statement:

If something's not working, I want to know so I can fix it before investing more time in the wrong direction.

As a author... I've also faced this dilemma. I even had to rewrite over 50 early chapters because I only recently realized my narrative writing mistakes.

If I'd caught my mistakes earlier, I wouldn't have had to rewrite 50 chapters over months. Recognizing mistakes early on makes narrative writing more efficient.

I'm sorry, perhaps I have been thinking too much about internet advertising theories. I could write about that here, but I think this is clearly not the place? Artistic themes in an anime style are probably preferred here? I put myself in the thread author's shoes and thought about aggressive advertising. Usually, if I advertise my book, I do it in threads dedicated to it and include good moments from it. Sometimes it seems to me that I haven't succeeded in advertising, but I try not to be aggressive? Do you think I am right in my method, or am I being too polite?

I'm not advertising. I intend to help the thread creator as he requested. Don't accuse others carelessly. If you doubt my claims... check out other feedback threads. I've given a lot of feedback for FREE.

 

[Louhi]

It's right. But I agree with his statement:

As a author... I've also faced this dilemma. I even had to rewrite over 50 early chapters because I only recently realized my narrative writing mistakes.

If I'd caught my mistakes earlier, I wouldn't have had to write 50 chapters over months. Recognizing mistakes early on makes narrative writing more efficient.

I had to rewrite over 136 chapters because Macha told me my narration sounded like an attempt to emulate some Chinese open-world gacha gooner game cutscenes. All the yapping make her want to commit war crimes.

I assumed this is what happened here too. It is as you said. The explanation about guilds, dungeons, and gods can go.

 

[Eldoria]

I had to rewrite over 136 chapters because Macha told me my narration sounded like an attempt to emulate some Chinese open-world gacha gooner game cutscenes. All the yapping make her want to commit war crimes.

I assumed this is what happened here too. It is as you said. The explanation about guilds, dungeons, and gods can go.

Well, at least it hasn't reached 4 digit chapters yet, right?! We might be a little luckier than the others out there. Lol

 

[GearMagical]

I'm not advertising. I intend to help the thread creator as he requested. Don't accuse others carelessly. If you doubt my claims... check out other feedback threads. I've given a lot of feedback for FREE.

I'm sorry, I really didn't want to offend you! I said what I thought, but I didn't accuse you. I was on a site where they are very strict about advertising one's own work, you see? Every site has its own rules, which shape your opinion and attitude. But in fact, any rules suit me as long as everything works.

 

[A-Random-Writer]

I had to rewrite over 136 chapters because Macha told me my narration sounded like an attempt to emulate some Chinese open-world gacha gooner game cutscenes. All the yapping make her want to commit war crimes.

I assumed this is what happened here too. It is as you said. The explanation about guilds, dungeons, and gods can go.

136 chapters?!? I would give up at that point, but good on you for putting in the work and rewriting them.

 

[Louhi]

Well, at least it hasn't reached 4 digit chapters yet, right?! We might be a little luckier than the others out there. Lol

We still learned it the hard way.

Here is my feedback for the OP. Only describe something if it is relevant to the current situation or when the plot won't move without it.

It can reveal the character's mental state and build atmosphere or tension but only in moderation. The character must interact with it.

 

[L1aei]

Topic of thread: Does my hook work? Please be honest.

What Topic Derailus Confusus said:

I'm sorry, perhaps I have been thinking too much about internet advertising theories. I could write about that here, but I think this is clearly not the place? Artistic themes in an anime style are probably preferred here? I put myself in the thread author's shoes and thought about aggressive advertising. Usually, if I advertise my book, I do it in threads dedicated to it and include good moments from it. Sometimes it seems to me that I haven't succeeded in advertising, but I try not to be aggressive? Do you think I am right in my method, or am I being too polite?

So, you read what @Nihilun asked for, right? Right here: "I'm not looking for sugar-coating..."

Here's what I'm seeing from @Eldoria , a clear reading experience that specifies on craft issue on the over-exposition in a first person view point, then correctly pointing out the effects on pacing shifting us away from the scene's immersion, which I find to be a concrete direction by making that narrator act, not commentate. And, hell, there is even an explanation from a reader's viewpoint on it.

You, though, @GearMagical , didn't see "This ain't gonna work; cut it" but instead "You are really bad at this." But then you shift it away from whether the feedback is useful or accurate to being instead if we being emotionally gentle enough for a hypothetical fragile person.

I don't have a problem with that. That's miscommunication that can be cleared up. But you did something I didn't like. You started talking about advertising strategy, how you promote your own work, the politeness philosophy, and your own posting habits. Why? None of that is about the mentioned POV craft or pacing or anything about @Nihilun 's request on whether this is going to hook people in. Tone policing should be regulated, but only if it gets to the point of other threads I've been in and everyone can see me clearly stating the person getting beat down has had enough. That's not happening here at all. The context, the request, and what actually counts as harmful is definitely being misread by you here.

It's derailing, but that's not my point. You're personally projecting how others should be. I ain't having that.

I'm sorry, I really didn't want to offend you! I said what I thought, but I didn't accuse you. I was on a site where they are very strict about advertising one's own work, you see? Every site has its own rules, which shape your opinion and attitude. But in fact, any rules suit me as long as everything works.

Definitely freshen up on the rules here too. It'll save you, preventing a lot of trouble with others here.

 

[Louhi]

Definitely freshen up on the rules here too. It'll save you, preventing a lot of trouble with others here.

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