Feedback on my Story

[Amateur_Artist2008]

I'm looking to have some feedback about my story. It only has 14 chapters so far, which is short right now, but I am working to add more chapters in the future. I am also aware that my writing in the beginning isn't exactly the best thing to read, I am planning on doing revisions to the story once I get farther along with it.

Realms & Shadows

The Nyorans are a race of wolves in the world of Tenoria that are born with an affinity for one of five elements: fire, earth, water, ice, and lightning. Despite their differences, they have managed to find peace between each other. Until 20 years ago, when a mysterious darkness appeared, one...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Eldoria]

Hello, is anyone there?

Here are my honest impressions as a reader (chapter 1):

"Ow... my head." I groaned as I awoke to a throbbing headache. When I opened my eyes, however, it was when I realized that I was in a forest.

Nice, opening the scene with mystery from the first POV. But I was disappointed in the next sentence because you immediately revealed the MC's current location (in the forest).

"Where am I?" I said aloud, my voice echoing off the trees. I slowly stood to my feet, using one of the nearby trees as support. My head was still pounding, and I tried to look around, but the forest was so dark that I could barely see. Something about the darkness and silence of the forest created such an uneasiness in me that I hastily picked a direction and started walking.

You already know where you are. Why ask, "Where am I?"

Unfortunately, the first two paragraphs have contradictory narrative functions.

Choose one:

1. If you want to provide quick exposition, use a meta-comment, "I realized I was in the forest."
2. If you want to play up the mystery at the beginning of the scene, use "Where am I?" followed by some groping around the forest to let the reader guess that the MC is in the forest.

As I walked, the only thing I could hear was the sound of my footsteps on the ground beneath me. The silence felt deafening, and it was taking a toll on me. Multiple times, I heard rustling behind me, yet when I whirled around, the only thing I saw was the trees, which only worried me further and made me quicken my pace.

This is a subtle exposition of the suspense plot through meta-commentary. It's fine if you want fast-paced action.

But if you want the reader to feel the tension along with the MC, you can separate the paragraph into two scenes: (1) the scene of the mysterious rustling sound; (2) the scene of the MC looking back but not seeing anyone.

You can add details about the MC's sensory and psychological responses to make the situation feel tense.

After about fifteen minutes, I finally saw sunlight breaking through the trees, and I saw the edge of the forest ahead of me. I broke into a run, and when I let out a shout. I slowed from a run into a brisk walk, making sure that I was a good distance from the forest, not wanting to be anywhere near it.

Minimize filter words. Don't use the word "saw" when your scene is already actively seen from the MC's eyes from the first POV. Remove the word "saw" and simply narrate what the MC sees.

For example, "The sunlight is shining through the forest leaves," instead of "I saw the sunlight shining through the forest leaves."

After stopping to catch my breath, I stood up straight and looked at the area surrounding me. I was in a large plain, covered by occasional trees and hills. "Where am I?" I couldn't help but wonder, considering this was a place that I had never been to before. I noticed that the time was roughly mid to late afternoon, because the sun wasn't at its full arc, meaning it wasn't noon, yet it wasn't near the end of its arc, meaning that it also wasn't quite evening. I was facing the sun at the time, so I raised my hand so that I wouldn't have to squint.

You're in the forest. Why ask again?

It was then that I noticed that my hand was covered in white fur.

I didn't react at first, but when I realized what I had seen, my heart skipped a beat, and I looked at both my hands. Sure enough, both my hands were covered in white fur, with claws at the fingertips. Shock hit me, and in a panic, I looked at both my arms, and they had the same white fur covering them. My heart was pounding, I looked down at my legs and saw the same thing. I shakily raised my hands to my face and felt my face, I found out that my mouth had transformed into a snout with sharp teeth, and that my ears were longer and pointed and now rested on the top of my head.

Why are you giving a shocking exposition about your new body while you're already panicking? A real person wouldn't have time to explain their shock when they're panicking. Your exposition kills the tension.

Please narrate the MC's shocked and panicked reactions through psychological reactions, rather than telling them.

To make matters worse, I felt something brush my leg behind me, and when I glanced behind to look, I found out I also had a tail.

"Nope, this isn't happening, this isn't happening..." I rambled, in denial as I tried to convince myself that I just didn't see what I had become.

The MC's response seemed clinical. I didn't feel your heart beating, your body trembling, your eyes widening, or your forehead breaking out in cold sweat. It requires a physiological reaction, not just a recounting of the MC's thoughts.

Edit: You've narrated the MC's physiological reactions in the previous paragraph, but because you're conveying them through exposition, the tension is diminished.

It would be better if you used the following pattern: Action <-> Reaction. For example, "My hands... are hairy?" my voice faltered (action). My heart was pounding. My head was spinning. This isn't real, is it? (reaction).

Avoid exposition of the MC's state of panic, shock, fear, etc. The interpretation of the MC's state should be left to the reader. Simply narrate the MC's physiological reactions to show the panic at the current situation.

It didn't help my situation when something wrapped itself around my right leg and yanked me off my feet. I hit the ground hard, yet before I had any time to react, it started dragging me back towards the way I came. Turning myself on my back, I noticed that the limbs of the forest trees were what had grabbed me. "What the? Let go of me!" I shouted as I aimed a kick at the branch with my foot. The branch responded by tightening its hold on my leg, causing extreme pain and causing my leg to burn as if on fire, making me cry out in pain.

Overly large paragraphs combine action, dialogue, and atmosphere. Please separate action, dialogue, and atmosphere into their own paragraphs.

1 paragraph = 1 main idea = 1 scene.

"H-help, someone, please!" I shouted in hopes that someone would hear me and would come to help me. Just as I was about to be dragged into the forest, something flashed from the corner of my vision and struck the branches that were holding me. The forest seemed to recoil from that, and the branches let me go.

With my leg burning with pain, I tried getting to my feet, but my leg was so injured that I couldn't use it to stand up. Glancing at my leg, I noticed that it was covered in dark strands, that ran up and down my leg like veins. Being unable to stand, I opted to use my hands and my one good leg to crawl as far away as I could from the forest yet again, this time making sure that I was out of sight from the forest.

That's when I heard a voice call out "You need some help?"

Okay, the ending scene is enough to make the reader curious about who the savior is? You know how to create a cliffhanger ending.

Critical Note:
Since you claim to be an artist, please don't bring other writers or your readers to Discord to offer additional services if you know what I mean.

 

[Amateur_Artist2008]

Hello, is anyone there?

Here are my honest impressions as a reader (chapter 1):



Nice, opening the scene with mystery from the first POV. But I was disappointed in the next sentence because you immediately revealed the MC's current location (in the forest).



You already know where you are. Why ask, "Where am I?"

Unfortunately, the first two paragraphs have contradictory narrative functions.

Choose one:

1. If you want to provide quick exposition, use a meta-comment, "I realized I was in the forest."
2. If you want to play up the mystery at the beginning of the scene, use "Where am I?" followed by some groping around the forest to let the reader guess that the MC is in the forest.

This is a subtle exposition of the suspense plot through meta-commentary. It's fine if you want fast-paced action.

But if you want the reader to feel the tension along with the MC, you can separate the paragraph into two scenes: (1) the scene of the mysterious rustling sound; (2) the scene of the MC looking back but not seeing anyone.

You can add details about the MC's sensory and psychological responses to make the situation feel tense.



Minimize filter words. Don't use the word "saw" when your scene is already actively seen from the MC's eyes from the first POV. Remove the word "saw" and simply narrate what the MC sees.

For example, "The sunlight is shining through the forest leaves," instead of "I saw the sunlight shining through the forest leaves."



You're in the forest. Why ask again?



Why are you giving a shocking exposition about your new body while you're already panicking? A real person wouldn't have time to explain their shock when they're panicking. Your exposition kills the tension.

Please narrate the MC's shocked and panicked reactions through psychological reactions, rather than telling them.



The MC's response seemed clinical. I didn't feel your heart beating, your body trembling, your eyes widening, or your forehead breaking out in cold sweat. It requires a physiological reaction, not just a recounting of the MC's thoughts.

Edit: You've narrated the MC's physiological reactions in the previous paragraph, but because you're conveying them through exposition, the tension is diminished.

It would be better if you used the following pattern: Action <-> Reaction. For example, "My hands... are hairy?" my voice faltered (action). My heart was pounding. My head was spinning. This isn't real, is it? (reaction).

Avoid exposition of the MC's state of panic, shock, fear, etc. The interpretation of the MC's state should be left to the reader. Simply narrate the MC's physiological reactions to show the panic at the current situation.



Overly large paragraphs combine action, dialogue, and atmosphere. Please separate action, dialogue, and atmosphere into their own paragraphs.

1 paragraph = 1 main idea = 1 scene.



Okay, the ending scene is enough to make the reader curious about who the savior is? You know how to create a cliffhanger ending.

Critical Note:
Since you claim to be an artist, please don't bring other writers or your readers to Discord to offer additional services if you know what I mean.

I appreciate the feedback, but to be honest, I dont know what you mean. If it's about my username, I mean it as I'm not a professional at it, I'm early intermediate at best, and that's just when it comes to drawing. When it comes to writing, I'm a complete beginner.

Again, thank you for the feedback, but I just wanted to clarify about the final note

 

[Eldoria]

Again, thank you for the feedback, but I just wanted to clarify about the final note

Please read this thread:

How to tell a scammer from an actual human

Bennett_jhon· 2 mins ago ʜᴇʟʟᴏ, ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴅᴏɪɴɢ ᴡᴇʟʟ. ɪ ʀᴇᴄᴇɴᴛʟʏ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴀꜱ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ɪᴍᴘʀᴇꜱꜱᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴄᴇᴘᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ. ɪᴛ ʜᴀꜱ ꜱᴛʀᴏɴɢ ɪᴍᴀɢᴇʀʏ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴡᴏʀᴋ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛɪꜰᴜʟʟʏ ᴀꜱ ᴀ ᴄᴏᴍɪᴄ ᴏʀ ᴡᴇʙᴛᴏᴏɴ. ɪ’ᴍ ᴀɴ ᴀʀᴛɪꜱᴛ ꜱᴘᴇᴄɪᴀʟɪᴢɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴄᴏᴍɪᴄꜱ, ᴍᴀɴɢᴀ, ᴡᴇʙᴛᴏᴏɴꜱ, ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ ᴀʀᴛ, ᴀɴᴅ ʙᴏᴏᴋ...

www.scribblehubforum.com

 

[Amateur_Artist2008]

Please read this thread:

How to tell a scammer from an actual human

Bennett_jhon· 2 mins ago ʜᴇʟʟᴏ, ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴅᴏɪɴɢ ᴡᴇʟʟ. ɪ ʀᴇᴄᴇɴᴛʟʏ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴀꜱ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ɪᴍᴘʀᴇꜱꜱᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴄᴇᴘᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ. ɪᴛ ʜᴀꜱ ꜱᴛʀᴏɴɢ ɪᴍᴀɢᴇʀʏ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴡᴏʀᴋ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛɪꜰᴜʟʟʏ ᴀꜱ ᴀ ᴄᴏᴍɪᴄ ᴏʀ ᴡᴇʙᴛᴏᴏɴ. ɪ’ᴍ ᴀɴ ᴀʀᴛɪꜱᴛ ꜱᴘᴇᴄɪᴀʟɪᴢɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴄᴏᴍɪᴄꜱ, ᴍᴀɴɢᴀ, ᴡᴇʙᴛᴏᴏɴꜱ, ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ ᴀʀᴛ, ᴀɴᴅ ʙᴏᴏᴋ...

www.scribblehubforum.com

Sorry, but i still dont understand, do you think I'm trying to advertise myself with my username? Cause if that's the case i can tell you that I am not trying to advertise myself in any way, because I know my work isn't the best in any form.

I never said that I was good at writing, I even said that I know my story isn't the best right now, which is why I'm asking for feedback. I only started writing about a year ago, so I'm still new to this.

 

[Eldoria]

Sorry, but i still dont understand, do you think I'm trying to advertise myself with my username? Cause if that's the case i can tell you that I am not trying to advertise myself in any way, because I know my work isn't the best in any form.

I never said that I was good at writing, I even said that I know my story isn't the best right now, which is why I'm asking for feedback. I only started writing about a year ago, so I'm still new to this.

Dude... it's just a joke. Don't take it seriously. I know... those scammers won't respond humanly like you. They're just bots. Try exploring the threads in this forum and learn about current issues.

 

[Amateur_Artist2008]

Dude... it's just a joke. Don't take it seriously. I know... those scammers won't respond humanly like you. They're just bots. Try exploring the threads in this forum and learn about current issues.

Yeah, sorry about replying so seriously, it's just I thought that you mistook me for someone that would advertise themselves, which is something that I really dont people to think about me.

I appreciate you taking the time to review my first chapter, I'll try to tweak wherever suggested.

I'm relatively new to this website, and this forum as well, which is why I dont really know about anything on here.

Thank you clarifying it was a joke, I was genuinely worried for a moment.

 

[Eldoria]

Yeah, sorry about replying so seriously, it's just I thought that you mistook me for someone that would advertise themselves, which is something that I really dont people to think about me.

I appreciate you taking the time to review my first chapter, I'll try to tweak wherever suggested.

I'm relatively new to this website, and this forum as well, which is why I dont really know about anything on here.

Thank you clarifying it was a joke, I was genuinely worried for a moment.

It's okay. Try to relax. Btw you can change your username to sound more elegant (if you want).

Your username sounds like a random name that bots usually use. We have Natalie-xx here, she's a scam bot. Be careful if you encounter her. She loves new writers like you.

 

[Akkizakura]

It's okay. Try to relax. Btw you can change your username to sound more elegant (if you want).

XxxAmateur_Artist2008xxX

 

[Amateur_Artist2008]

It's okay. Try to relax. Btw you can change your username to sound more elegant (if you want).

Your username sounds like a random name that bots usually use. We have Natalie-xx here, she's a scam bot. Be careful if you encounter her. She loves new writers like you.

Okay, I will, thank you, and I'll be sure to watch out for scammers