Hello, is anyone there?
Here are my honest impressions as a reader (chapter 1):
Nice, opening the scene with mystery from the first POV. But I was disappointed in the next sentence because you immediately revealed the MC's current location (in the forest).
You already know where you are. Why ask, "Where am I?"
Unfortunately, the first two paragraphs have contradictory narrative functions.
Choose one:
- If you want to provide quick exposition, use a meta-comment, "I realized I was in the forest."
- If you want to play up the mystery at the beginning of the scene, use "Where am I?" followed by some groping around the forest to let the reader guess that the MC is in the forest.
This is a subtle exposition of the suspense plot through meta-commentary. It's fine if you want fast-paced action.
But if you want the reader to feel the tension along with the MC, you can separate the paragraph into two scenes: (1) the scene of the mysterious rustling sound; (2) the scene of the MC looking back but not seeing anyone.
You can add details about the MC's sensory and psychological responses to make the situation feel tense.
Minimize filter words. Don't use the word "saw" when your scene is already actively seen from the MC's eyes from the first POV. Remove the word "saw" and simply narrate what the MC sees.
For example, "The sunlight is shining through the forest leaves," instead of "I saw the sunlight shining through the forest leaves."
You're in the forest. Why ask again?
Why are you giving a shocking exposition about your new body while you're already panicking? A real person wouldn't have time to explain their shock when they're panicking. Your exposition kills the tension.
Please narrate the MC's shocked and panicked reactions through psychological reactions, rather than telling them.
The MC's response seemed clinical. I didn't feel your heart beating, your body trembling, your eyes widening, or your forehead breaking out in cold sweat. It requires a physiological reaction, not just a recounting of the MC's thoughts.
Edit: You've narrated the MC's physiological reactions in the previous paragraph, but because you're conveying them through exposition, the tension is diminished.
It would be better if you used the following pattern: Action <-> Reaction. For example, "My hands... are hairy?" my voice faltered (action). My heart was pounding. My head was spinning. This isn't real, is it? (reaction).
Avoid exposition of the MC's state of panic, shock, fear, etc. The interpretation of the MC's state should be left to the reader. Simply narrate the MC's physiological reactions to
show the panic at the current situation.
Overly large paragraphs combine action, dialogue, and atmosphere. Please separate action, dialogue, and atmosphere into their own paragraphs.
1 paragraph = 1 main idea = 1 scene.
Okay, the ending scene is enough to make the reader curious about who the savior is? You know how to create a cliffhanger ending.
Critical Note:
Since you claim to be an artist, please don't bring other writers or your readers to Discord to offer additional services if you know what I mean.
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