Can you feel any tension?

[Nevafrost]

So, this is my first time writing romance (I've never experienced love except for that one time when a stray cat willingly sat on my lap) and I'm not sure if I'm writing it right. Is there any tension? Is the narrative good? (I know the answer to this but still it's good manner to ask, right? )

Spoiler: Part of my novel

"I know you," Austin said as he took a step closer, his right hand shaking as though it longed for something; his lips shivered as he uttered those words.

Iris stepped back, disbelief in her eyes.
'It can't be. He doesn’t know me; he doesn’t love me,' the last thought strangled her heart; he was her whole world.

Austin came closer—so close that she could hear him breathing, panting as though she were the oxygen he needed desperately.

Iris saw Austin's right hand reaching for her face, dread and fear in her eyes. She couldn’t look him in the eyes, afraid that she might forget everything, tell him he called her the only piece of love in his dread-filled world, and leave everything behind just to be with him, but she knew better than to do that.

Austin carefully touched her cheek as though she were a fleeting memory and slowly lifted her chin. Iris flinched at the touch she had been longing for millennia. She looked him in the eyes for the first time.

Her heart shattered into a million pieces at the sight of his tired eyes. She could tell how many sleepless nights he had endured.

"I have seen your eyes in my dreams before. Those eyes—" Iris felt weak in her knees as though she was going to fall apart, reveal everything within her heart, and give in.

 

[Macky]

I really like the premise.

If you're looking for more tension here, I'd recommend leaving out the internal thoughts/intentions of either of them so that the reader can be tense.

Forrr example, the girl's inner conflict could be left unexplained and instead only showing her outward panic, fear and unwillingness.

Off topic, but the guy's confession was a bit dramatic (again, ion really know your story, so your call)

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

So, this is my first time writing romance (I've never experienced love except for that one time when a stray cat willingly sat on my lap) and I'm not sure if I'm writing it right. Is there any tension? Is the narrative good? (I know the answer to this but still it's good manner to ask, right? )

Spoiler: Part of my novel

"I know you," Austin said as he took a step closer, his right hand shaking as though it longed for something; his lips shivered as he uttered those words.

Iris stepped back, disbelief in her eyes.
'It can't be. He doesn’t know me; he doesn’t love me,' the last thought strangled her heart; he was her whole world.

Austin came closer—so close that she could hear him breathing, panting as though she were the oxygen he needed desperately.

Iris saw Austin's right hand reaching for her face, dread and fear in her eyes. She couldn’t look him in the eyes, afraid that she might forget everything, tell him he called her the only piece of love in his dread-filled world, and leave everything behind just to be with him, but she knew better than to do that.

Austin carefully touched her cheek as though she were a fleeting memory and slowly lifted her chin. Iris flinched at the touch she had been longing for millennia. She looked him in the eyes for the first time.

Her heart shattered into a million pieces at the sight of his tired eyes. She could tell how many sleepless nights he had endured.

"I have seen your eyes in my dreams before. Those eyes—" Iris felt weak in her knees as though she was going to fall apart, reveal everything within her heart, and give in.

Looks good. Formatting might be a tad cleaner. Also tone back on the metaphors.

 

[Makimaam]

Ease the metaphors. There are too many, and since we are in Iris’s head, lines like these sound as if a narrator is speaking to the reader. Let his actions speak for themselves. Avoid having her over-interpret them unless he is being very obvious.

as though it longed for something

as though she were the oxygen he needed desperately.

as though she were a fleeting memory

I don’t know the context, so at the moment it also reads as very melodramatic. Lines like “shattered into a million pieces” and “waiting for millennia” feel grandiose. Hopefully they earn their place.

 

[Nevafrost]

I really like the premise.

If you're looking for more tension here, I'd recommend leaving out the internal thoughts/intentions of either of them so that the reader can be tense.

Forrr example, the girl's inner conflict could be left unexplained and instead only showing her outward panic, fear and unwillingness.

Off topic, but the guy's confession was a bit dramatic (again, ion really know your story, so your call)

Thanks! I actually needed some guidelines because I'm really amateur when it comes to writing tense scenes. Also, that guy kind of got his memory erased and they were a couple before. Now, they are strangers.

Looks good. Formatting might be a tad cleaner. Also tone back on the metaphors.

Formatting-nya? Like, editing the paragraphs?

Ease the metaphors. There are too many, and since we are in Iris’s head, lines like these sound as if a narrator is speaking to the reader. Let his actions speak for themselves. Avoid having her over-interpret them unless he is being very obvious.


I don’t know the context, so at the moment it also reads as very melodramatic. Lines like “shattered into a million pieces” and “waiting for millennia” feel grandiose. Hopefully they earn their place.

Okie, so more context to what's happening...

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Thanks! I actually needed some guidelines because I'm really amateur when it comes to writing tense scenes. Also, that guy kind of got his memory erased and they were a couple before. Now, they are strangers.

Formatting-nya? Like, editing the paragraphs?

Okie, so more context to what's happening...

Indeed, the purely graphical appearance of the text.

 

[JHarp]

'It can't be. He doesn’t know me; he doesn’t love me,' the last thought strangled her heart; he was her whole world.

dread and fear in her eyes.

Iris flinched at the touch

I'm so glad you later explained that the context of the scene was memory loss because this almost felt like the tension in the tone was leaning on abuser more than anything.

So very close to threat framing the whole scene, the denial, the fear markers, the physical reaction, that borderlines on intimidation, manipulation or some other harmful relationship dynamic.

So be very careful in what order and how well you communicate information for the scene, otherwise it seems to work pretty well in agreement with some of the feedback others mentioned already.

 

[Nevafrost]

I'm so glad you later explained that the context of the scene was memory loss because this almost felt like the tension in the tone was leaning on abuser more than anything.

So very close to threat framing the whole scene, the denial, the fear markers, the physical reaction, that borderlines on intimidation, manipulation or some other harmful relationship dynamic.

So be very careful in what order and how well you communicate information for the scene, otherwise it seems to work pretty well in agreement with some of the feedback others mentioned already.

At first, I wanted to add the part 'they erased his memory' in her thoughts but then I realized that it was mentioned earlier so it would be odd if she thought it out loud.