Can you feel any tension?

[Nevafrost]

So, this is my first time writing romance (I've never experienced love except for that one time when a stray cat willingly sat on my lap) and I'm not sure if I'm writing it right. Is there any tension? Is the narrative good? (I know the answer to this but still it's good manner to ask, right? )

Spoiler: Part of my novel

"I know you," Austin said as he took a step closer, his right hand shaking as though it longed for something; his lips shivered as he uttered those words.

Iris stepped back, disbelief in her eyes.
'It can't be. He doesn’t know me; he doesn’t love me,' the last thought strangled her heart; he was her whole world.

Austin came closer—so close that she could hear him breathing, panting as though she were the oxygen he needed desperately.

Iris saw Austin's right hand reaching for her face, dread and fear in her eyes. She couldn’t look him in the eyes, afraid that she might forget everything, tell him he called her the only piece of love in his dread-filled world, and leave everything behind just to be with him, but she knew better than to do that.

Austin carefully touched her cheek as though she were a fleeting memory and slowly lifted her chin. Iris flinched at the touch she had been longing for millennia. She looked him in the eyes for the first time.

Her heart shattered into a million pieces at the sight of his tired eyes. She could tell how many sleepless nights he had endured.

"I have seen your eyes in my dreams before. Those eyes—" Iris felt weak in her knees as though she was going to fall apart, reveal everything within her heart, and give in.

 

[Macky]

I really like the premise.

If you're looking for more tension here, I'd recommend leaving out the internal thoughts/intentions of either of them so that the reader can be tense.

Forrr example, the girl's inner conflict could be left unexplained and instead only showing her outward panic, fear and unwillingness.

Off topic, but the guy's confession was a bit dramatic (again, ion really know your story, so your call)

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

So, this is my first time writing romance (I've never experienced love except for that one time when a stray cat willingly sat on my lap) and I'm not sure if I'm writing it right. Is there any tension? Is the narrative good? (I know the answer to this but still it's good manner to ask, right? )

Spoiler: Part of my novel

"I know you," Austin said as he took a step closer, his right hand shaking as though it longed for something; his lips shivered as he uttered those words.

Iris stepped back, disbelief in her eyes.
'It can't be. He doesn’t know me; he doesn’t love me,' the last thought strangled her heart; he was her whole world.

Austin came closer—so close that she could hear him breathing, panting as though she were the oxygen he needed desperately.

Iris saw Austin's right hand reaching for her face, dread and fear in her eyes. She couldn’t look him in the eyes, afraid that she might forget everything, tell him he called her the only piece of love in his dread-filled world, and leave everything behind just to be with him, but she knew better than to do that.

Austin carefully touched her cheek as though she were a fleeting memory and slowly lifted her chin. Iris flinched at the touch she had been longing for millennia. She looked him in the eyes for the first time.

Her heart shattered into a million pieces at the sight of his tired eyes. She could tell how many sleepless nights he had endured.

"I have seen your eyes in my dreams before. Those eyes—" Iris felt weak in her knees as though she was going to fall apart, reveal everything within her heart, and give in.

Looks good. Formatting might be a tad cleaner. Also tone back on the metaphors.

 

[Makimaam]

Ease the metaphors. There are too many, and since we are in Iris’s head, lines like these sound as if a narrator is speaking to the reader. Let his actions speak for themselves. Avoid having her over-interpret them unless he is being very obvious.

as though it longed for something

as though she were the oxygen he needed desperately.

as though she were a fleeting memory

I don’t know the context, so at the moment it also reads as very melodramatic. Lines like “shattered into a million pieces” and “waiting for millennia” feel grandiose. Hopefully they earn their place.

 

[Nevafrost]

I really like the premise.

If you're looking for more tension here, I'd recommend leaving out the internal thoughts/intentions of either of them so that the reader can be tense.

Forrr example, the girl's inner conflict could be left unexplained and instead only showing her outward panic, fear and unwillingness.

Off topic, but the guy's confession was a bit dramatic (again, ion really know your story, so your call)

Thanks! I actually needed some guidelines because I'm really amateur when it comes to writing tense scenes. Also, that guy kind of got his memory erased and they were a couple before. Now, they are strangers.

Looks good. Formatting might be a tad cleaner. Also tone back on the metaphors.

Formatting-nya? Like, editing the paragraphs?

Ease the metaphors. There are too many, and since we are in Iris’s head, lines like these sound as if a narrator is speaking to the reader. Let his actions speak for themselves. Avoid having her over-interpret them unless he is being very obvious.


I don’t know the context, so at the moment it also reads as very melodramatic. Lines like “shattered into a million pieces” and “waiting for millennia” feel grandiose. Hopefully they earn their place.

Okie, so more context to what's happening...

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Thanks! I actually needed some guidelines because I'm really amateur when it comes to writing tense scenes. Also, that guy kind of got his memory erased and they were a couple before. Now, they are strangers.

Formatting-nya? Like, editing the paragraphs?

Okie, so more context to what's happening...

Indeed, the purely graphical appearance of the text.

 

[JHarp]

'It can't be. He doesn’t know me; he doesn’t love me,' the last thought strangled her heart; he was her whole world.

dread and fear in her eyes.

Iris flinched at the touch

I'm so glad you later explained that the context of the scene was memory loss because this almost felt like the tension in the tone was leaning on abuser more than anything.

So very close to threat framing the whole scene, the denial, the fear markers, the physical reaction, that borderlines on intimidation, manipulation or some other harmful relationship dynamic.

So be very careful in what order and how well you communicate information for the scene, otherwise it seems to work pretty well in agreement with some of the feedback others mentioned already.

 

[Nevafrost]

I'm so glad you later explained that the context of the scene was memory loss because this almost felt like the tension in the tone was leaning on abuser more than anything.

So very close to threat framing the whole scene, the denial, the fear markers, the physical reaction, that borderlines on intimidation, manipulation or some other harmful relationship dynamic.

So be very careful in what order and how well you communicate information for the scene, otherwise it seems to work pretty well in agreement with some of the feedback others mentioned already.

At first, I wanted to add the part 'they erased his memory' in her thoughts but then I realized that it was mentioned earlier so it would be odd if she thought it out loud.

 

[Nevafrost]

Once again, let me summon @Eldoria the Great!!!

 

[Eldoria]

I agree with other respondents that your narrator over-explains the characters' thoughts and feelings.

In an amnesia scene, your scene will feel more immersive if you show the character's amnesia through body language, ambiguous dialogue, physiological reactions (such as anxiety when remembering a nostalgic object), and vague memory fragments.

Coincidentally, my fiction also deals with the theme of amnesia (well, it's the world of amnesia). I've provided two reference chapters related to male characters who experience but miss the women they love (thoughts can have amnesia, feelings can't lie): Prince Elvyn (he forgets his older sister) and Captain Reynard (he forgets his wife).

Perhaps these two chapters can help you develop a technique for revealing the character's amnesia in a layered and gradual manner without narrator explanation. Please click on the chapters below:

Prince Elvyn El Rose and the Lost Memories

Captain Reynard the Idealistic Knight

Note:
Next time, put your feedback request thread in the feedback section so that other authors can easily find your thread.

Regards.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Hmm. There is some tension but its unclear (except from the comments, which make amnesia clear) whether this is a transmigration/isekai/regression thing and they just don't recognize each other fully or if he's suffered memory loss or personality alteration.
Basically, this is a solid first draft but needs some work.

 

[Nevafrost]

I agree with other respondents that your narrator over-explains the characters' thoughts and feelings.

In an amnesia scene, your scene will feel more immersive if you show the character's amnesia through body language, ambiguous dialogue, physiological reactions (such as anxiety when remembering a nostalgic object), and vague memory fragments.

Coincidentally, my fiction also deals with the theme of amnesia (well, it's the world of amnesia). I've provided two reference chapters related to male characters who experience but miss the women they love (thoughts can have amnesia, feelings can't lie): Prince Elvyn (he forgets his older sister) and Captain Reynard (he forgets his wife).

Perhaps these two chapters can help you develop a technique for revealing the character's amnesia in a layered and gradual manner without narrator explanation. Please click on the chapters below:

Prince Elvyn El Rose and the Lost Memories

Captain Reynard the Idealistic Knight

Note:
Next time, put your feedback request thread in the feedback section so that other authors can easily find your thread.

Regards.

Sorry for replying this late but I was planning on replying after I'm done reading your chapters (though I could finish reading only one of them )
Such coincidence! There is another scenario where my MMC comes back from the courtroom and finds his room empty. And, reading "Prince Elvyn El Rose and the Lost Memories" made it really easier for me to imagine everything in that chapter. Thank you! I'll catch up on the next one as well

Hmm. There is some tension but its unclear (except from the comments, which make amnesia clear) whether this is a transmigration/isekai/regression thing and they just don't recognize each other fully or if he's suffered memory loss or personality alteration.
Basically, this is a solid first draft but needs some work.

@CharlesEBrown
This is indeed the first draft and all the feedbacks from the generous people above gave me ideas on how to improve this

 

[Eldoria]

I'll catch up on the next one as well

If possible, you can read Captain Reynard chapter in this feedback request thread and provide a feedback. Thank you.

Feedback for Handling Sensitive Content

Feedback for Handling Sensitive Content Well, I make a feedback request for chapters with dark, sensitive, heavy and emotional content. I'm not sure if I've handled these kinds of chapters wisely considering my series is starting to reach an emotional climax. Here's one of the darkest...

www.scribblehubforum.com

 

[Nevafrost]

If possible, you can read Captain Reynard chapter in this feedback request thread and provide a feedback. Thank you.

Feedback for Handling Sensitive Content

Feedback for Handling Sensitive Content Well, I make a feedback request for chapters with dark, sensitive, heavy and emotional content. I'm not sure if I've handled these kinds of chapters wisely considering my series is starting to reach an emotional climax. Here's one of the darkest...

www.scribblehubforum.com

Will check it out after dinner!!!