Been posting for a month, I'll appreciate any feedback✌️

[Emhd511]

I have been posting for a month without any form of promotion coz of how I couldnt find a way to and only now found out abt forums

The story is slow burn and focuses alot on the characters.
It's mostly adventure and mystery, with some action

Here is the story if you're interested: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2239830/wildborn/

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

I gave it a try, I'm a beginner as well so don't take everything I say for granted

He turned, his hands finding his blades as water dripped from the steel.



He untied the twig-braided rope and put it in his mouth, the bitterness filling his mouth.



He flipped his left blade into a reversed grip. He slammed the blade into the wood, the bark shuddering from the impact.



He hopped off the edge, feet dangling. The other sword followed.



The bark spat splinters at Tenaro's face as he drove the blades into the wood.

Notice how in these all the sentences starts with "He" it becomes boring really quickly, also fragmented sentences don't work everywhere, They are reserved for high stakes situations or sometimes for comedy

Try it like this

"He turned, hands finding his blades as the water dripped, following the blade. Untying the twig-braided rope, he put it in his mouth — bitterness flooding the tongue.

Slam!

Left blade flipped--Reversed grip!

Bark studdering from the impact, as he slammed the blade on to the wood."

Still keeps the 'High action' scene you are going for

He gathered both his swords in one hand, pulled the rope from his mouth.



He wrapped it around the hilts and tied them around his waist.

Same problem everywhere, too much action beats that the reader can't even rest between them. Add few lines of visceral sensation,like how did he feel? What did he think? in between these beats and

I read till chapter 2, this is the most pressing problem. Going through action beats too fast

I refuse to level up! (Don’t ask about my sister’s opinion on this)

What would any normal person do after they isekai'ed to another world? Well that shouldn't even be a question. Grind up levels, become strong and conquer the world with overpowered cheat abilities. But Ren isn't that kind of 'Normal' What if he conquers the world without levelling up? without...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Emhd511]

Thx, I'll see what I can do
I js revised the entire chapter, so feel free to read through it.
I read ur reply after editing so I mightve still made the mistake you pointed out

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

Can yougive a feedback for mine too

 

[Emhd511]

Can yougive a feedback for mine too

Could maybe send the link to the story?

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

I refuse to level up! (Don’t ask about my sister’s opinion on this)

What would any normal person do after they isekai'ed to another world? Well that shouldn't even be a question. Grind up levels, become strong and conquer the world with overpowered cheat abilities. But Ren isn't that kind of 'Normal' What if he conquers the world without levelling up? without...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheKillingAlice]

I didn't look at the story yet, because @FrenzyWanderer was so kind in posting a snippet of your chapter, as it seems.
First of all: I'd agree with what he said about your writing style. It's important to find variation.

Going by what was quoted up above:

He turned, his hands finding his blades as water dripped from the steel.
He untied the twig-braided rope and put it in his mouth, the bitterness filling his mouth.
He flipped his left blade into a reversed grip. He slammed the blade into the wood, the bark shuddering from the impact.
He hopped off the edge, feet dangling. The other sword followed.
The bark spat splinters at Tenaro's face as he drove the blades into the wood.

And what he made of it:

"He turned, hands finding his blades as the water dripped, following the blade. Untying the twig-braided rope, he put it in his mouth — bitterness flooding the tongue.

Slam!

Left blade flipped--Reversed grip!

Bark studdering from the impact, as he slammed the blade on to the wood."

I'd say, yes, better, but not quite clean.
You also need to check for words doubling. The "Slam" is also something you can do, but use it sparingly. Because onomatopoeia often feels out of place or awkward, depending on how it is used. Here, it's not needed, because the word "slamming" was used right after "Slam".
In other words, I'd go for a segment like this:

He turned, his hands finding his blades as water dripped from the steel. The twig-braided rope untied, he bit down on it - bitterness filling his mouth - while flipping his left blade into a reversed grip. A moment later, it was slammed down onto the wood, bark shuddering (do you mean "shattering" or is that "blade" actually a pool noodle?) from the impact, as he hopped off the edge, feet dangling. The other sword followed suit.
With splinters being spat at Tenaro's face, he kept repeating his violent actions.

The reason for why this is not an action scene, is the fact that it is not an action scene. It seems more like he's trying to climb a tree or some shit. If not necessary, try not to use words with a lot of personality so often in a single paragraph.
I'm sure someone else is going to come around and correct me as well, which is fair enough, but that's as much as I can do for what I'm seeing. Again, I didn't actually look at the novel, but maybe I will do so later - or maybe I won't. That's my two cents anyway.

 

[eagle_360]

I have been posting for a month without any form of promotion coz of how I couldnt find a way to and only now found out abt forums

The story is slow burn and focuses alot on the characters.
It's mostly adventure and mystery, with some action

Here is the story if you're interested: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2239830/wildborn/

I did not find any hook or interesting developments in the first chapter. But I found this sentence very jarring and like, this sentence just sits there for no reason. Why you got the mc sitting next to the turd.

A dark, shapeless turd sat menacingly on the other end

 

[Emhd511]

I did not find any hook or interesting developments in the first chapter. But I found this sentence very jarring and like, this sentence just sits there for no reason. Why you got the mc sitting next to the turd.

I refuse to level up! (Don’t ask about my sister’s opinion on this)

What would any normal person do after they isekai'ed to another world? Well that shouldn't even be a question. Grind up levels, become strong and conquer the world with overpowered cheat abilities. But Ren isn't that kind of 'Normal' What if he conquers the world without levelling up? without...

www.scribblehub.com

From my understanding, there is some small punctuation errors, but it's actually cool🥹

I did not find any hook or interesting developments in the first chapter. But I found this sentence very jarring and like, this sentence just sits there for no reason. Why you got the mc sitting next to the turd.

Fym girl poop

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

Thank ypu

I didn't look at the story yet, because @FrenzyWanderer was so kind in posting a snippet of your chapter, as it seems.
First of all: I'd agree with what he said about your writing style. It's important to find variation.

Going by what was quoted up above:

And what he made of it:

I'd say, yes, better, but not quite clean.
You also need to check for words doubling. The "Slam" is also something you can do, but use it sparingly. Because onomatopoeia often feels out of place or awkward, depending on how it is used. Here, it's not needed, because the word "slamming" was used right after "Slam".
In other words, I'd go for a segment like this:

The reason for why this is not an action scene, is the fact that it is not an action scene. It seems more like he's trying to climb a tree or some shit. If not necessary, try not to use words with a lot of personality so often in a single paragraph.
I'm sure someone else is going to come around and correct me as well, which is fair enough, but that's as much as I can do for what I'm seeing. Again, I didn't actually look at the novel, but maybe I will do so later - or maybe I won't. That's my two cents anyway

Thank you! I'm also a new author myself, so I have very little experience. I started around 1.5 to 2 yrs ago... my writing was also like this when I started

Also çan you review my novel as well?

My initial one had lot of puntual errors, and I did one grammarly pass and corrected most of them, still I think there are some. I'll correct it soon

Can you look for prose and story as a whole

 

[TheNonexistentOne]

I just scrolled through chapter 1.

I use onomatopoeia as well.

You can do it like I do-

*Thwack*

I'll properly read first few chapters after you notice this comment. If I like your work, I'll share my work with you too~!