Every day my pee-pee goes into my uterus, and then it comes out and goes into my Octoray. Just kidding!
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Child, walks up to me with blue marker all over his tummy. "Mama, you fed me blueberries at school two times yesterday, and it came out all over my tummy."
I'm trying to eat. Child brings me hamster tubes that were obviously in the saucepan. "Here's some soup!"
Child takes off pants and underwear, sits on my 5-quart saucepan. "I'm sitting on a toilet!"
As I'm typing, he starts bringing it to bathroom. "And now the toilet goes into the toilet."
Me: "No. That stays in the kitchen."
Child turns around, takes it to bedroom.
Child, turning off lights: Mama, we've lost power.
Me: Oh, why did that happen?
Husband: Because someone forgot to unplug the child.
How many emails do I need about Picture Day!?!?!?!?!
I heard the voice of Male say
He would brush my baby’s hair
And yet I see his hair unbrushed
and Male upon his phone
Child, wrapping my hand in toilet paper: "This is a poop glove. It's for protecting your hand from hamster poops."
Child, after twisting long balloon into a knot: "It's a ball of poop!"
Me: Oh, you're doing somersaults!
Kid: No, I'm just trying to see my butt.
Me, cleaning up styrofoam from furniture assembly and brushing my teeth at the same time.
Child, sitting on the toilet: "Mama, can you do three things at the same time? Mama, wash my anus. Mama, wash my anus, or you will get in trouble by me."
Child, using hangers like barrel of monkeys: "It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor . . . "
And then he tried on my dresses, still singing.
If you were a 4-year-old, where would you put the lid to a hamster ball?
~.~)
I got an injection at the hospital today and got dizzy
Husband just went out with the little primate to buy a rodent. I have told him that I will take absolutely no responsibility for the new animal, because I'm already overwhelmed with responsibility for the one we already have. Husband has agreed to these conditions.
Pillowcase zipper: "Shut my mouth! Shut my mouth! Why is my mouth not closing?"
The child pulled a small piece of plastic out of the screen door this morning. I closed the screen door as an experiment, and now it will not open. Waiting for Husband to come home to investigate. Also regretting telling him to buy the retractable screen instead of the more expensive all-metal screen.
Pro tip: Do not keep chocolate chips in the same cabinet as glass jars
Nosey child who rarely leaves me alone in the bathroom, and when he does, he usually breaks something: If you keep doing that, you will lose all your blood.
Me: My body is making more blood all the time, and the amount of blood I lose during menstruation is small.
The kid bought a blank key with his allowance, and now he is begging for a key cutter because we let him watch some videos about how to cut keys. We keep telling him that we can take the key to someone with a key cutter, but he wants to do it himself. Also, he's not going anywhere without his key now. -
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