AYYYY guess who's back, kinda?
Did I totally forget about this for the last month and a half? Yes.
Better late than never, amirite?
If you have the time, I would be thankful.
Story:
The Devil Been Isekai | Scribble Hub
Okay, so first off, the
vibes are there and that's about it.
I'm put off slightly by the fact all the sentences are double-spaced. Why though?
It's reading like: "I put my chapter through an editor and forgot to re-format when submitting on scribblehub"
I could only get through the first chapter, I'll be honest about it.
So, far as I'm aware; We got our depressed office worker, some philosophical rambling, hell foreshadowing, Camus name-drop, but we get it. The opening scene takes forever to do... nothing. We're at a water cooler. Still at the water cooler. Then we're philosophizing.
About the writing: some nice imagery if I really squint my eyes and try to fire neurons in my brain, but these double-spaced sentences are trying to do
too much. Like, "causing my feet to feel like ice had slipped within my bloodstream, but only within my feet" made me go huh? Pick a metaphor and stick with it. Also, tense slips ("My mind starts to drift" vs. "started"), missing commas, and weird dialogue tags. Fixable, but it breaks the mood. A lot.
Character-wise, Steve is okay, giving NPC coworker vibes. The banter's hit-or-miss, and a lot of it feels like filler dialogue you'd skip in a cutscene. The philosophical stuff (Sisyphus, Tartarus, Faustus, Zevon) is super neato and all, but it's piled on so thick it feels less "intellectual" and more like "I've read books, I swear!"
The ending, though? The pain description works, I guess it does kinda tie back to Steve's conspiracy stuff, and it finally feels like the story remembered it's going to Hell. I'd say
start closer to this moment, tighten things up, and sharpen the writing and maintain consistency with the formatting.
Emoji for you! Good luck!
Dark fantasy action story focused on brutal, tactical combat, cultivation-style power systems, and high-stakes monster hunts. Heavy on atmosphere, violence, and momentum. Would love an outside perspective.
History remembers General Roeyachi as the Enemy of Humanity, a traitor who turned on his own kind after consorting with beasts. The truth is far stranger. Born without a cultivation core, Roeyachi was a cripple in a world ruled by power. Unable to wield traditional magic, he survived through...
www.scribblehub.com
Ah dangit, it seems like you deleted your story. That's unfortunate.
And sadly it seems like Hoshino is gone as well, so can't review their story either. RIP.
I have a cheeky, bantering superhero/supervillain romance that probably fits this criteria more,
but I've taken it off SH while i retool it posted what i have to SH in the meantime while i prepare to retool it. (See the scary witch below)
On the other hand,
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1867593/beat-prey-love/ is in a much more mature state (double entendre intended). It has humor and sarcasm, but Ch 2 may exceed your tolerance for sweat and/or sex. There's plot just past the action. Whether you like or not, i hope it elicits some strong emotions/memes. Thanks for your time.
Alright, so, I see the tags, I see the cover, I'm scared. I'm sure you can already guess why given my preferences.
BUT HELL YEAH, LET'S GO. I'M READY TO SUFFER?
And suffer I did. This is definitely not my ball park but I decided to sit in the back on the bleachers and pull out my binoculars.
So, I get the concept. Erotic fight co-op between college fighters? Some streamer-promoter chaos?
This chapter did too much talking, honestly. Kathy explains, then explains some more and then someone interrupts so she explains
again. This pacing is jogging in place on a treadmill. As much as this isn't my cup of tea, I can recognize valid hooks that seem to work, but you bury it under lore dumps about wet fighting history and ownership models when the girls (and the reader) are like, “So when does the punching and/or fucking happen?”
That being said, the sentences are LONG and read like mini ted talks.
I get that not all web novels need to be... well, web novels, like, 1-2 sentence paragraphs, but this took me a bit to sift through personally. It also didn't help I'm reading this a few hours after waking up with a blaring headache.
But I digress.
With the characters, I can tell you’re clearly having fun, but is it intentional that everyone is described like a pokemon trading card? Height, build, ethnicity, outfit, backstory, fighting style, personality, trauma, all within seconds of meeting them. My brain was desperately trying to juggle four buff bisexuals and dropping all of them on my toes. Pick
one or two standout traits per intro and let the rest come out naturally. Also, Kathy’s internal monologue sometimes reads like she’s the omniscient narrator
and the protagonist, which reads a little like “I am the main character and also THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE - PLEASE DONATE 2 DOLLARS TO KEEP ME RUNNING.”
On the technical side: holy sentence length and repetition batman! I already mentioned it like two seconds ago, but just because your characters are buff, doesn't mean the prose needs to be as well? IF possible, maybe it should be broken up before they apply for their own lease. You also repeat phrases like “wet or dry,” “college students,” and “fight promotion” enough that I might start hearing it like ads in my dreams, from an episode of futurama.
A tighter edit would massively improve flow and tension. Also, it might be just me, but some dialogue tags and beats run long enough that I forget who’s speaking.
But hey, at the end of the day, this is all just my own silly opinion. I can tell you know your niche, but it desperately needs a pace coach and a red pen. Or, the uh, typing equivalent?
Anyway! Here's an emoji for you:
Good luck with your writing!
