Hey, if you don't mind the eccentric ramblings of a meme lady, I'll give you the most honest yet meme-coded review possible.
#notaprofessional
Alright, so I read the first three chapters, a hallmark of mine.
I'll start with the things I liked from what I read; Daniel being a 'im too swag for this world' dude. and Maya who exists just to suffer. Honestly, the shift in tone between the two characters is pretty wild. Is that in a good way? I honestly don't know. I also like Daniel's identity crisis, and the whole being reincarnated as a baby thing. Very fun tropes I've seen in other webtoons/manhwas I've read.
Felt bad for Maya mostly, since she's just in a hospital room with nothing but anime heroines to keep her company.
It's a strong start, but I did get a bit of whiplash. It’s like you’re juggling two completely different stories, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing as long as it's done right. The themes of reincarnation and suffering are very present from the beginning, no guesswork, very poggies. Daniel’s emotional detachment and Maya’s crushing isolation are both relatable in their own way. The problem is, a lot of the narrative gets choked (and not in the good way,
so I've heard) with
internal monologues. It was only SLIGHTLY cringe. I use monologues in my own story, but I try to limit them to a handful of times because it can be a little too much., and cringe. I cringe at myself in general, so I'm almost an expert in that area.
Less
telling, more
showing. Try to let characters' actions speak for their feelings. If Daniel is this cool, distant guy, it should be shown primarily through his interactions. And if Maya is struggling with meaning in her life, be sure to convey that struggle. Not just the “I wish I could be like the heroines” thoughts, but in the
way she lives her life, how she interacts with the people around her, etc. Show the pain in the things she says and does, more so than in introspective rants.
Pacing could use some work, imo. I mean, baby transformation is fun 'n all, but I wish more time were spent on letting Daniel process it before rushing through all the “what is this world?” moments. The best example off the top of my head is my own work. I at first struggled letting my FMC fully take in the new world, but also kept it realistic to how I would personally react, by freaking out and coping with humor, but also having a minor mental breakdown every so often.
(spoiler alert to anyone else wanting to read, lmao)
Maya’s death felt a little too rushed. It’s a heavy moment, but it didn’t hit as hard as it could’ve. More buildup would’ve given the scene the emotional punch it deserved. It's kinda like when characters were getting killed off in the walking dead tv series. You didn't care when it was random people, but when it was someone like Carl, this kid who is the son of the main character, there's a lot of build up and emotional attachment. So when he was suddenly bitten because why not? and then was cast out of the show, that shit hurt both in reality AND for the show. I definitely don't recommend doing something similar, unless you wanna piss people off.
Nothing more annoying than when people kill off established characters 'just cause'. (not accusing you)
So yeah, got some nice potential! But it's a little heavy-handed in places, especially with all the introspection. I'd personally cut back on the narrative yapping or 'explaining' what they’re thinking and feeling, and let peeps discover it on their own. And maaaybe give emotional moments more time to breathe.
Good luck with the rest of your story!
Here's an emoji for you:
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