My humble submission
Hope you like it
PSA to everyone:
Going forward, I'm going to start using colors like the true autist I am.
Why? Cause fuck you, that's why.
Anyway, back to you, Tycho-
First impression:
Holy em-dash batman. I mean, congratulations on your committed, long-term relationship. I'm happy for you.
But god damn, my eyes can only handle so much public display of em-dash affection.
1st Chapter:
So, you're definitely a skilled writer with a stylistic choice about as subtle as sledgehammer to the foot. And normally, I would never read something this long due to my ADHD, but the absurdity of the premise for your story and me wanting to figure out what the fuck is going on, drove me to read even the second chapter.
That being said, I for once don't have a lot to say. Your story is not my cup of tea for sure, but I can appreciate it for what it is. A traditional looking 60's vibe, pulpy space opera, filled with things like dry humor, sexual tension, techy sci-fi, some realistic survival, wrapped around a strong, self aware main character with a strong voice. Very pog~
Small issues I did notice:
Maybe reduce em-dashes by 20%.
But aside from that, nearly every paragraph feels like you intentionally wrote a line to be 'quote worthy'
It's not bad by any means, but it felt strange yet predictable after awhile?
“You're an opportunity. There's a difference.” - “Definitely needs lubrication.” - “Prophecy doesn't fill waterskins.”
Honestly half expecting him to develop a catchphrase next, which would probably be fine. lmao
But then when you have lines like this:
“You're a curiosity. Possibly useful. Definitely fuckable…”
It's like, uhhh. It's probably not necessary to have dialogue say one thing to convey a specific idea, then narration afterward to explain things. You risk being redundant by essentially 'showing' then telling.
For example:
Her jaw tightened. Her hand drifted toward her throat.
That nervous gesture I was starting to recognize.
Yeah, we get it.
Description overload:
At times, I felt like you should chill out. A lot feels like foreplay even when it isn't. Every woman gets described in terms of her 'assets', even in non-sexual moments. Characters should be able to exist without near constant sexual framing.
If everything is sexual, nothing is.
If that makes sense.
That being said, I'm not much of a smut reader or writer by any means, but I do have a thing called Logic & Reasoning.
Your little sex economy and the breeding thing? Well, that's all fine and dandy but why not add something like- I don't know, resistance? Disagreement among the women? Hell, maybe even ethical tension? It feels a little off when I read into it, and not just from the lack of any awkwardness that isn't riding on the silver platter of a joke.
It made me wonder, are there any factions? Women who outright refuse? Any culturual rules?
If there any in later chapters, that'd be great.
Thessaly feels like the lore amazon delivery driver.
So far, she's like a one-note, exposition heavy character.
Chapter 2 Hook is a bit weak:
Bit of a sexual thing going on, then just -
Everything had changed today. Everything was going to change again.
I closed my eyes and let the desert sounds carry me toward sleep, the taste of sun's blood still burning on my tongue.
Ehh, that generic first line kinda bored me and nothing compelled me to check out chapter 3.
Overall:
Very thematic, good shit. Could use some tweaks, maybe some em-dash rehab.
Just some of my opinions of course~
Is this still open?
A whim of fate—or the will of god? Under the blue moon an estranged soul awakened in a wretched body. Strange sights, uncomfortable smells, and hushed voices assaulted his senses, each one is a cruel reminder that the life of comfort was gone. He had no choice but to...
www.scribblehub.com
Alright, so this is definitely a practice project of yours. I'll try to be less harsh and less memey. No promises though.
So by the first chapter, we got:
Simple premise that is pretty bleak, cynical, reflective. Your tone is good, I can see the direction. Decent worldbuilding, which I thought was the strongest part of the story.
First line immediately draws me out of focus:
“Life is like a painting…” - "dogs that are mating with each other”
First off, what? What is that vague philosophical opening? and what does dog mating have to do with anything? lol. If you're trying to sound profound, it's not landing on it's feet, it's landing on it's face.
Very awkward and random imo.
Grammar:
“each one is a cruel reminder”
each one
was*
“he gazed into the blue sky with an eyes of a dead fish.”
with
eyes like a dead fish* or even just remove an.
“From that realization he came from not eating for a day…”
????
He realized he hadn't even for a day?? Or are you trying to say the realization hit him due to his hunger?
Over explaining:
“Mir might not realize it but he's adapting…”
I figured that out from y'know, the begging thing, surviving, food management.
“Even the slums are not safe from hierarchy.”
Then you explain gangs instead of just showing through some kind of interaction, tension or consequences, anything.
“Mir was not always like this…”
-Proceed to deliver lite-mode lore dump about old life and world difference
Repetitive:
Your character is poor, then you explain how, then how again. I'd recommend sprinkling details more evenly and not being so direct as to not affect your pacing.
Character voice:
I felt a bit bored reading his dialogue and just the narration overall, cause it just felt like you were speaking and thinking for him. From a first chapter impression, your character doesn't really have a distinct voice and personality/attitude yet.
Overall:
It's fair for a first story attempt. With some light polish, it can be a lot better. You're already doing some things right with the worldbuilding and scenes like the soup line one, where it was pretty specific, visual and had tension.
Wish you luck with your writing!
I'm surprised how many people are willing to
be assaulted take your very wild, and very honest criticisms, Alice. lol
Honestly, I have no idea if you ever started reading, have read, or rated this in the past. I just plain don't remember.
but here you go. tear it apart at your own leisure. I'm sure you have dozens more books to read.
I was isekai'd within my isekai after being previously isekai'd, and my Isekai Goddess is starting to get really angry at me for dying, and needing to be reborn again after being isekai'd for the tenth time in a row within the first day of every new world I was...
www.scribblehub.com
I'm surprised as well. I'm either seen as a cool person, or a toxic asshole that traumatizes people with emojis.
People must be really desperate to have anyone read their story, even a retard like me. So be it.
First impression:
What the fuck? This story is just shitpost bait, right? But you're also trying to turn it into an actual story?
I'm getting: An absurdist isekai comedy, shitpost premise with fanfiction-style dialogue. I can see little remnants of the Cinna of the past who used to beat the shit out of people verbally for their obsession with isekai, before she crawled in a hole and died.
Well, despite all the unhinged chaos, it's strangely wholesome? but also not? and it has an actual emotional core to the story, especially with the childhood flashbacks.
“He gave everything to us, except for what we wanted.”
Things that sound normal.
Only thing that's not normal is -
Tone was brutally murdered and it's blood is all over the walls and ceiling.
If you're writing under duress, please blink twice.
You go from incest-adjacent comedy, to grief about a dead grandmother, to sexual teasing, to some heartfelt emotiona trauma, then back to teasing.
-insert deep & emotional chiildhood reflection-
And because this whole story just feels like a shitpost, I can't tell if you're trying to be serious and making genuine attempts to write properly, or if you're just fucking around. Not to say that in a mean way, I literally can't be sure but I'm trying my best.
Overwritten / Awkward prose:
“I felt.. a squish beside me; Warm, soft.”
“The phantom feeling of her boob over my palm.”
Stuff like this is unintentionally... intentionally silly? Idk.
But the first line has a lot of issues.
"I felt a squish beside. Warm and soft." '..' is missing a dot.
Just one of many examples I don't feel like posting. My feedbacks are long as it is and I hate myself for it.
Weird, risky dynamics:
I'm not sure if you're making fun of this or it's legit, but, the whole cousin thing is strange, as it should be? in that, any kind of sexual tension between relatives is objectively wrong in the first place, but I digress.
Premise is already becoming useless?:
For a story about 'isekai’d 10 times, now immortal', I wouldn't expect the first chapter to just be about family drama, hints of incest, slice of life and awkward reunion. Come for the supposed meta humor, power and chaos. Stay for the... grief and cousins? If this is 100% a shit post to fuck with people, you absolutely won a hundred gold your did it stars and I'd be impressed.
I'd read more than the first chapter, but I'm honestly afraid to?
Maybe not afraid, but just not looking forward to it. lmao
I just don't know what this truly is or what's really happening, feel free to explain it to me, I'd love to know.
