What a very strange story! I felt strangely compelled to read it until the end! I find that there is 'weight' behind the story, and perhaps that is the strongest part of it all.
Make no mistake, this is a dark story, the main characters frequently engage in violence and don't pretend to be morally grey. From the start, I shifted my mindset to it leaning more towards a psychological seinen or power fantasy, and it made reading it much easier. The main storyline tells the story of Mr. N and his Elite Guards who are going to fight in a deathgame called the 'Presidency Battle'. There are many absurd and fantastical moments in the story, with 'The Shining'-style psychic bodily snapping the most common.
The story currently reads more like an assortment of stories rather than a tight narrative. The first part deals with Liam+Mr.N, then 'D'+James, finally Osprey+Asperia vs Mori and Co. The perspective jumps around quite a bit, which greatly hurts the enjoyment of the story. Perhaps there can be a bit more to the transitions, I notice that the scenes jump from chapter to chapter with very little to indicate the significance of the earlier event. Currently, the transitions are very brief, and at one point it snapped from the prison scene, to the helicopter, to a base nearby. All very convenient, but makes for really difficult follows.
By their interactions, I can get you were showing their personalities; I think that more weight can be added if the 'significance' of the Elite Guard is shown, rather than simply writing 'These are two of the ten Elite Guards.' (Ch.6) At this point, you haven't introduced any of the guards yet, only Mr. N, so the reader does not automatically relate, except for the vague feeling that 'oh the boss is strong, these guys are strong too'. In fact, I'm quite sure if you introduce the two after 'D' showing that the Elite Guard are ruthless, violent, and sort of morally abhorrent, the contrast will land better. This way, readers get a taste of what the Elite Guard are about and they wonder: "What are the rest of them like?"
Of all the chapters, I enjoyed the 'D' chapters the most, because it showed the POV of an ordinary human/victim against the overwhelming force that is the Elite Guard. If there is a template to follow, it would be this one. 'D' does not need to do much except killing a single woman to cause a mental breakdown in ordinary men. The atmosphere, the reaction from others not morally aligned with the Elite Guard make the scene oppressive without much effort. It's the little details like the snapping of the plastic at the end that make the story feel like it has 'weight'.
One thing that is curious about this scene is that somehow the facility here for Class 1-B represents 'one of the most proficient units in the entire United States program'. When you write that, I thought at first this was going to be the President's side of the story, because they represented the United States. If they don't, why do they follow the same system? What exactly are they fighting for if they run things the same, except in a slightly more cruel way? (laugh)
Sometimes you will remember to properly introduce characters, like 'D' by setting them up in the previous chapter, at other times, it doesn't quite work like Osprey and Asperia's first appearance. Character introductions are the place where the most improvement can be made I think. Mori is a little flawed because he tries to cram too many things, like him being former Elite Guard, somehow mixed with passive-aggressiveness I don't understand for someone who is coming to kill two supposedly very dangerous people! It really doesn't jive with how Mori is portrayed in later chapters where he suffered a defeat at Mr. N's hands. You would think someone like that would be a bit more cautious, or at least be more motivated to fight!
An improvement that I think will help your writing greatly is to remember that fight scenes usually have a meaning to them. People don't fight senselessly in manga, the fight usually represents a clash of values or a clash of ideals. The people doing the fighting are usually highly motivated to do so! With the Osprey vs Mori fight, the writing style starts to show its weakness because I am not able to get the sense of 'what are they fighting for' except for the vague sense that Mori is here on the President's orders, and the Osprey/Asperia team are on... guard duty? There's also a loose line somewhere about protecting civilians but you can tell how seriously the Elite Guard take that when the leader and 'D' are obviously morally black! Also, wasn't it a camp that was attacked?
I think that the reason this piece made me think so much is because the structure resembled one of my all-time favorite manga, Usogui. It tells the story of a Madrame Baku who does crazy gambling games to eventually challenge the leader of a powerful organization called Kakerou in a game called 'Surpassing the Leader', and must fight 'members' of Kakerou to earn the right to do so. The manga also does the whole gathering followers and sideways political commentary as well. The manga has it all, sex, violence, fights, mindgames, memorable characters and events, and it is nothing short of miraculous it comes together so well. I realize this is a more western-inspired webnovel, though I would strongly recommend reading it up at some point, I am sure it will give you some inspiration!
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