Feedback From A Delusional Witchpire [5/5] (Slots currently filled: Closed until further notice)

Kurayami

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2025
Messages
67
Points
53
I will give you completely biased feedback. I will say right now that this is a horrible decision, but I will do it anyways.


Rules:

  1. You will post your story in the thread as a link and prepare to die receive feedback in an untimely manner.
  2. I will read up to 10k words, unless I decide that it's too bad/boring and give up.
  3. Do not submit AI written/assisted works.
  4. Do not submit AI written/assisted works. (Listed twice because people can't read.)
  5. I will give feedback of at least 5 works.
  6. If you violate any of the rules, you forfeit the ability to receive feedback indefinitely. (I will write your name on a list.)
  7. The list below is who is receiving feedback. A link will accompany the feedback when I am finished writing it. I will not go easy on any story, so don't try and butter me up. It will be blunt.
Feedback List: (Full until further notice)


  1. @ElijahRyne (Finished: https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/feedback-from-a-delusional-witchpire-1-5.27850/post-638137)
  2. @JayMark (Finished: https://forum.scribblehub.com/threa...closed-until-further-notice.27850/post-638511)
  3. @Fallow_ (In progress...)

  4. @code_sike (Finished: https://forum.scribblehub.com/threa...closed-until-further-notice.27850/post-639144)
  5. @blushiemagic (Finished: https://forum.scribblehub.com/threa...closed-until-further-notice.27850/post-639832)
 
Last edited:

ElijahRyne

A Hermit that’s NOT that Lazy, currentlycomplainen
Joined
Aug 12, 2021
Messages
1,885
Points
153
I will give you completely biased feedback. I will say right now that this is a horrible decision, but I will do it anyways.


Rules:

  1. You will post your story in the thread as a link and prepare to die receive feedback in an untimely manner.
  2. I will read up to 10k words, unless I decide that it's too bad/boring and give up.
  3. Do not submit AI written/assisted works.
  4. Do not submit AI written/assisted works. (Listed twice because people can't read.)
  5. I will give feedback of at least 5 works.
  6. If you violate any of the rules, you forfeit the ability to receive feedback indefinitely. (I will write your name on a list.)
  7. The list below is who is receiving feedback. A link will accompany the feedback when I am finished writing it. I will not go easy on any story, so it don't try and butter me up. It will be blunt.
Feedback List:






Here you go: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2276316/the-meditations/
 

AstreiaNyx

Or Asa
Joined
Jan 2, 2024
Messages
282
Points
133
You caved in. How about I offer an Allosaurus fossil to satiate your thirst instead of buttering you up with buttery words?
 

Bimbanana

Victim of Social Injustice
Joined
Oct 8, 2025
Messages
473
Points
93
*Came here excitedly

*Reads no. 4

*Turn around sighed with a bit of tear
 

JayMark

It's Not Easy Being Nobody, But Somebody Has To.
Joined
Jul 31, 2024
Messages
1,832
Points
128
*Came here excitedly

*Reads no. 4

*Turn around sighed with a bit of tear
Orc, you know I have the same rule, right? 😒

Great, now I have to submit something because you made me respond.

 

Kurayami

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2025
Messages
67
Points
53
All of my feedback is biased and to be taken as the opinions of an amateur author.

Rating: I would not read anymore. I would not even call it a story in the true sense.

The Good:

The grammar is good, and there were not many errors that caught my eyes in that department. Maybe a missed comma here or there, but overall, it was readable.

The Bad:

This is not a story in the traditional sense, and I don't find it entertaining. The prologue explains what it will be from the first words: The following story is the documentation of a case I am having difficulty fully understanding.

And after that, chapter 1 and 2 are explanations and descriptions rather than storytelling. It is a list of emails, ingredients, and symptoms. The whole thing embodies my least favorite aspect of reading a story. I like discovery and characters. This is none of that. This is more like a wacky science experiment taken to an alchemy lab and reads as a documentation. The only way this story would work is maybe background noise for a video game or as an information dump when the story is already underway.

This story reminds me of reading those notes you can find in horror games. You pick one up or you go to the computer to read emails, and I have to say, I am the type of player that never does that.

Thank you for submitting, but this doesn't receive a passing grade as a story.
 

Bimbanana

Victim of Social Injustice
Joined
Oct 8, 2025
Messages
473
Points
93
Orc, you know I have the same rule, right? 😒

Great, now I have to submit something because you made me respond.

No no, cow, your rule said no AI written, not AI assisted ☝️
 

Fallow_

New member
Joined
Apr 7, 2026
Messages
9
Points
3
Okay, I read your first feedback… and I won’t lie, that was a little terrifying. Brutal might be the right word.

That said, I’ve decided (very bravely, I might add) to trust my work and my life choices, so here I am anyway.

Dropping my story into the fire. Be gentle… or don’t, I guess 😅
(Not 10k words yet)

I Grant Systems... But I Can't Cultivate
 

blushiemagic

Member
Joined
Nov 5, 2025
Messages
40
Points
18
I’m currently mostly worried about the slow pacing, chapter 1 being all over the place, and the mood/plot whiplash in chapter 2. (Chapter 1 is more like a prologue but I heard a lot of people don’t read those…)
First three chapters should add up to nearly 10k words.

(I swear I will post this one day… once I’m at 150k words…)

By day, Thomas lives a hollow life, studying for a postgraduate degree and struggling to care when the war threatens to topple all that he’s worked for. By night, he suffers visceral nightmares, a sharp contrast to the numbness of his waking life.

But one morning, a new dream that feels more real than anything else offers a retreat from the terrors. He's thrown for a loop when the dream robs him of his body, then in for an identity crisis when it changes him into not one, but two girls. Now named Rayna and Lillian, they quickly find themselves thrust into both sides of a conflict between order and chaos. But now they’ve got awesome magic, and hey, anything’s better than the nightmares!

Or so they think, until the lines between dream and reality begin to blur, and their newfound refuge melts away. Unbeknownst to them, Rayna and Lillian are about to change both dreamworld and reality forever. And as they will soon discover, their old nightmares aren't done with them just yet…

Chapter 1: https://ellipsus.com/read/1Fw2NYYuz7mSjkzLk8swHt/Chapter-1-Into-the-Dark
Chapter 2: https://ellipsus.com/read/4X19fLTwTloqPnekDiMrhE/Chapter-2-Great-Spirit
Chapter 3: https://ellipsus.com/read/5ffLrxNpRO1AFJX8ndYQ86/Chapter-3-A-New-World
 

HydraScribe_1

New member
Joined
Mar 11, 2026
Messages
17
Points
3
Hello, new author here. I am not sure if this is fine, my work is written by me. I used gpt to spot grammatical only as english isnt my first language. If that is fine, please review my work and give me any constructive feedback so I can get better. If not, sorry for the bother and have a wonder day <3.
 

Nevafrost

A stupid and foolish daughter
Joined
Apr 5, 2024
Messages
893
Points
133
Yo, here goes my unpublished novel

Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

"What's happening?"

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?" Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

"We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind."

"I see you are interested in war, my dear," King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling. "I'm so proud of you."

Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast."

"That's normal though." They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

"Don't you think they will find out?"asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out," said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

"It's not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out," Aylin said, looking kind of worried.

"Iris?"Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, "Is there anything on your mind?"

"Yes, you have been really silent," Elina mocked her.

"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened."

"Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?" Aylin looked worried.

"Did I tell you it was a nightmare?"

"I can tell," she smiled warmly, "now, tell us what you dreamt about."

"It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible."

"Was it the same thing you saw last time?"

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream."

"That's spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist," Harlin suggested.

"Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist."

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.

There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

"Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It's interesting."

"I knew you would love it," Alison warmly smiled at her.

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew," she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, "Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high." Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

"Will you two stop your dogfighting?"Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such brusqueness. We shall never disappoint you again." Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.

"I'm not your mother."

"But you sure don"t let me feel the absence of my mother." Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.

"Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris"s desk?"

Alison hurried away.

"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom."

...

Later that afternoon,

"We should pack for tomorrow," Harlin said taking a sip from the golden trimmed pink tea cup.

"What are you gonna pack? Makeup kit?" Elina asked as she munched on her apple pie, Cathyon sitting on her lap as she played with her brown hair.

"You know the answer, Eli. By the way, aren’t you gonna pack some food for you?"

"Oh, thanks for the reminder! I gotta ask Brandy for some snacks to carry."

Iris was there reading a book called 'War and Runes', too intent on reading to notice the bickering.

Aylin sat there quietly sipping tea and adoring the beauty of her favourite flowers— violet, iris and whatnot. The western wind was tender against her pale skin. The cool bridge carried the smell of flowers into the tea pavilion.

"Ris, what are you readjng?" Harlin asked.

"Oh, it's the book that Alison gave me," Iris said. Elina rolled her eyes.

"Didn’t you say you are done reading this book?" Aylin asked.

"I lied," Iris replied in don't-give-a-damn way. "But I gotta read this in case he asks me about the contents inside this book."

"Why do you lie about being interested in war? You don't like brutality, Ris."

"Eh, I'm the crown princess. I have to handle wars and stuffs in the future even if I don't like it. Better practise from now."

"And, why do you keep being friendly with that general-boy? I don’t like the way he acts around you. He kinda creeps me out," Elina said devoured another piece of pie.

"You will know, Eli, when the time comes," answered Aylin in Iris's stead.

"Wait- is there something I don't know?" Elina said urging forward.
 

Kurayami

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2025
Messages
67
Points
53
Hello, new author here. I am not sure if this is fine, my work is written by me. I used gpt to spot grammatical only as english isnt my first language. If that is fine, please review my work and give me any constructive feedback so I can get better. If not, sorry for the bother and have a wonder day <3.
Yo, here goes my unpublished novel

Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

"What's happening?"

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?" Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

"We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind."

"I see you are interested in war, my dear," King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling. "I'm so proud of you."

Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast."

"That's normal though." They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

"Don't you think they will find out?"asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out," said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

"It's not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out," Aylin said, looking kind of worried.

"Iris?"Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, "Is there anything on your mind?"

"Yes, you have been really silent," Elina mocked her.

"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened."

"Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?" Aylin looked worried.

"Did I tell you it was a nightmare?"

"I can tell," she smiled warmly, "now, tell us what you dreamt about."

"It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible."

"Was it the same thing you saw last time?"

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream."

"That's spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist," Harlin suggested.

"Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist."

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.

There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

"Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It's interesting."

"I knew you would love it," Alison warmly smiled at her.

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew," she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, "Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high." Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

"Will you two stop your dogfighting?"Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such brusqueness. We shall never disappoint you again." Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.

"I'm not your mother."

"But you sure don"t let me feel the absence of my mother." Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.

"Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris"s desk?"

Alison hurried away.

"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom."

...

Later that afternoon,

"We should pack for tomorrow," Harlin said taking a sip from the golden trimmed pink tea cup.

"What are you gonna pack? Makeup kit?" Elina asked as she munched on her apple pie, Cathyon sitting on her lap as she played with her brown hair.

"You know the answer, Eli. By the way, aren’t you gonna pack some food for you?"

"Oh, thanks for the reminder! I gotta ask Brandy for some snacks to carry."

Iris was there reading a book called 'War and Runes', too intent on reading to notice the bickering.

Aylin sat there quietly sipping tea and adoring the beauty of her favourite flowers— violet, iris and whatnot. The western wind was tender against her pale skin. The cool bridge carried the smell of flowers into the tea pavilion.

"Ris, what are you readjng?" Harlin asked.

"Oh, it's the book that Alison gave me," Iris said. Elina rolled her eyes.

"Didn’t you say you are done reading this book?" Aylin asked.

"I lied," Iris replied in don't-give-a-damn way. "But I gotta read this in case he asks me about the contents inside this book."

"Why do you lie about being interested in war? You don't like brutality, Ris."

"Eh, I'm the crown princess. I have to handle wars and stuffs in the future even if I don't like it. Better practise from now."

"And, why do you keep being friendly with that general-boy? I don’t like the way he acts around you. He kinda creeps me out," Elina said devoured another piece of pie.

"You will know, Eli, when the time comes," answered Aylin in Iris's stead.

"Wait- is there something I don't know?" Elina said urging forward.
Sorry to say, but you are both late. If I do more than 5, you will be the first ones.
 

Representing_Tromba

Sleep deprived mess of an author begging for feedb
Joined
Jan 29, 2020
Messages
6,012
Points
233
Please consider the following,
 

Kurayami

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2025
Messages
67
Points
53
Orc, you know I have the same rule, right? 😒

Great, now I have to submit something because you made me respond.

All of my feedback is biased and to be taken as the opinions of an amateur author.

Rating: Severely overly worded. A bad case of repetition and anti-concision needing serious trimming.

The Good:

The grammar is not excellent, but it is decent. I can tell that you put a lot of effort into crafting a story and world, taking care to craft each character how you want them to be.

The Bad:

What I just said is true, but over describing everything works against you. I read the prologue, and it was descriptions of sand, dunes, towers, and a spirit at the start. I was completely zoned out reading this stuff, and it doesn't serve as a good hook. This is the worst kind of prologue you can make, the one that simply describes things. However, I did like the ending. If you could find a way to trim it to that scene, it would work so much better.

As a side note about the prologue, there are three paragraphs that start with "The golem" one after another. Three in a row! General rule of thumb: don't start a paragraph with the same words or phrase as the last paragraph. It is very noticeable as a reader.

Concision is a huge problem with this novel. I read four of the chapters, but they are a slog to get through with how much gets described. I also don't like this way of introducing characters and describing what they look like every time. I prefer the drip feed method where you give readers only the important or standout bits.

Your action sequences are suffering from this as well. All of it is simply describing actions. I find myself wanting the action sequence to be over because I am reading a series of descriptions. Descriptions, descriptions, descriptions. It is way too much for me.

I read four chapters, but it's not enough for me to talk about characters or world because this is a slow burner. The only thing I can give is things related to the prose.

Thank you for submitting, and with all of that being said, I do appreciate how much effort you put into creating something. Your diagnosis is over describing, and the cure is concision and cutting.
 

JayMark

It's Not Easy Being Nobody, But Somebody Has To.
Joined
Jul 31, 2024
Messages
1,832
Points
128
All of my feedback is biased and to be taken as the opinions of an amateur author.

Rating: Severely overly worded. A bad case of repetition and anti-concision needing serious trimming.

The Good:

The grammar is not excellent, but it is decent. I can tell that you put a lot of effort into crafting a story and world, taking care to craft each character how you want them to be.

The Bad:

What I just said is true, but over describing everything works against you. I read the prologue, and it was descriptions of sand, dunes, towers, and a spirit at the start. I was completely zoned out reading this stuff, and it doesn't serve as a good hook. This is the worst kind of prologue you can make, the one that simply describes things. However, I did like the ending. If you could find a way to trim it to that scene, it would work so much better.

As a side note about the prologue, there are three paragraphs that start with "The golem" one after another. Three in a row! General rule of thumb: don't start a paragraph with the same words or phrase as the last paragraph. It is very noticeable as a reader.

Concision is a huge problem with this novel. I read four of the chapters, but they are a slog to get through with how much gets described. I also don't like this way of introducing characters and describing what they look like every time. I prefer the drip feed method where you give readers only the important or standout bits.

Your action sequences are suffering from this as well. All of it is simply describing actions. I find myself wanting the action sequence to be over because I am reading a series of descriptions. Descriptions, descriptions, descriptions. It is way too much for me.

I read four chapters, but it's not enough for me to talk about characters or world because this is a slow burner. The only thing I can give is things related to the prose.

Thank you for submitting, and with all of that being said, I do appreciate how much effort you put into creating something. Your diagnosis is over describing, and the cure is concision and cutting.
Nice.

All my writing is slow burn. I hate rushed stories, if I feel rushed, I tend to stop caring. That's why I'm a bull, I like to take things slow and chew for a looooong time. Probably works against me in the era of short attention spans, even when I get the prose in decent shape. 🐂

This story is old. I'm not going to change anything about the opening, except maybe the prologue and the three paragraphs starting with the same thing. :blob_pat_sad: The first chapter (not prologue) was my voice as a sixteen year old. That was the first action sequence I ever wrote, so I was really careful not to over edit when posting online. Because I'll never have that same voice again.

🐂 But I still generally agree with you that I can be over descriptive with a tendency to awkward prose when I don't edit carefully. 🐂

I'm going to continue giving basic descriptions of characters, because I like to visualize with words. I used to overdo this far worse. Now I keep information in character files. I've been practicing the drip feed method more recently with other stories.

I like descriptions of background and setting as well, even of plain simple spaces. That's who I am and the way I want to write. I really like to come back and see images in my head when I reread. 🐂

That said, I'm working hard to make my prose less repetitive and the descriptions more concise in my current and future projects.

Thank you for your time and suggestions. I do appreciate your feedback lots. :giggle:
 

Kurayami

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2025
Messages
67
Points
53
Okay, I read your first feedback… and I won’t lie, that was a little terrifying. Brutal might be the right word.

That said, I’ve decided (very bravely, I might add) to trust my work and my life choices, so here I am anyway.

Dropping my story into the fire. Be gentle… or don’t, I guess 😅
(Not 10k words yet)

I Grant Systems... But I Can't Cultivate
Brother, this thing reeks of AI assistance. Out of respect for other people, I don't want to review this thing.
 

Kurayami

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2025
Messages
67
Points
53
All of my feedback is biased and to be taken as the opinions of an amateur author.

Overall: Tense swapping, too much prescriptive text and boring text, and way too much dialogue.

The Good:

The grammar is okay. It's readable even with tense swapping, and you seem to have the beginnings of your own kind of author's voice.

The Bad:

Right from the start, the opening does telling. There is a mini prologue before chapter 1 to explain what the girl we'll meet is like, but I would rather experience what she is like through storytelling. And the opening of the story from Chapter 1 continues boring lines, That fateful day didn't begin like anything special. I woke up, went downstairs, made breakfast, ate it, got dressed…you get it.

This is something that is not cared about, so as a reader, I don't care about it either. Why would you start with something mundane like waking up and doing morning activities? The story should have started towards the end of chapter 2. There is no hook in chapter 1 to leave the reader wanting anything. It's all prescriptive texts that describes what something is like without showing it, and that's why I found a certain line ironic: “I figured it was the type of thing you’d rather show than tell.”

There is also too much dialogue going on, and many of it prescribes qualities to the characters that we're not left to learn ourselves. Like when Amy says, "I am not a bitch." Things like this are awkward and take me out of the story. Go to chapter 3 and look how much dialogue is happening. It's like every single line of the story. Relax, and give characters a chance to breath. Speaking of chapter 3, it isn't until the end of that chapter when we finally get a hook.

Tense swaps are another big problem. It goes from first person present to past a lot between lines of dialogue. Oh, and I finally remembered that the first chapter is poorly formatted. The spacing is all out of wack, and it even shifts midway through the chapter as if you tried to correct it but only corrected it for a few lines.

I was only able to get through 3 chapters, to be honest, so I have no idea if it gets better. However, plenty of readers would have stopped, since there is nothing pulling us into the story until the end of chapter 3.

Thank you for submitting, but I would not read further.
 

Kurayami

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2025
Messages
67
Points
53
I’m currently mostly worried about the slow pacing, chapter 1 being all over the place, and the mood/plot whiplash in chapter 2. (Chapter 1 is more like a prologue but I heard a lot of people don’t read those…)
First three chapters should add up to nearly 10k words.

(I swear I will post this one day… once I’m at 150k words…)

By day, Thomas lives a hollow life, studying for a postgraduate degree and struggling to care when the war threatens to topple all that he’s worked for. By night, he suffers visceral nightmares, a sharp contrast to the numbness of his waking life.

But one morning, a new dream that feels more real than anything else offers a retreat from the terrors. He's thrown for a loop when the dream robs him of his body, then in for an identity crisis when it changes him into not one, but two girls. Now named Rayna and Lillian, they quickly find themselves thrust into both sides of a conflict between order and chaos. But now they’ve got awesome magic, and hey, anything’s better than the nightmares!

Or so they think, until the lines between dream and reality begin to blur, and their newfound refuge melts away. Unbeknownst to them, Rayna and Lillian are about to change both dreamworld and reality forever. And as they will soon discover, their old nightmares aren't done with them just yet…

Chapter 1: https://ellipsus.com/read/1Fw2NYYuz7mSjkzLk8swHt/Chapter-1-Into-the-Dark
Chapter 2: https://ellipsus.com/read/4X19fLTwTloqPnekDiMrhE/Chapter-2-Great-Spirit
Chapter 3: https://ellipsus.com/read/5ffLrxNpRO1AFJX8ndYQ86/Chapter-3-A-New-World
All of my feedback is biased and to be taken as the opinions of an amateur author.

Overall: Decent writing. Kind of boring. Repeating words. Needs chopping.

The Good:

This story does pretty well grammatically. You are a decent word crafter, and I can tell you put some thought into the construction.

The Bad:

While it is true that you are a decent word crafter, I would not say the same for storytelling. It's good that you start with stuff happening, but the verbosity of the prose makes it hard to read. I think that this story would benefit a lot from cutting, especially in the first chapter. I won't lie, I also dislike starting with a dream sequence. Maybe some other readers would find it okay.

These sequence of dreams and waking up or falling back into wakeness, it just doesn't do it for me. I find that this kind of thing doesn't work as a hook, so not only is the wordiness slogging, the plot is as well.

I honestly don't have much more to say because this was more boring than anything, and it was a struggle to get through 1 chapter. I apologize for not giving much feedback, but boring is even harder to read than horrible writing.

Chop out repeating words and whole blocks of text, and it might be better. Thank you for submitting, but I would not read more.
 
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