Very useful FREE FEEDBACK. Emotional no danger review session. [Open - Severe lack of novels to read]

[eagle_360]

Ah ok. Fine. Once I finish watching this telenova of will they wont they romance.

I just want to feel useful

 

[Bimbanana]

I already reviewed yours. If I do double standards. I got to review everyone's chapter again!

But you looked desperate before :(

 

[eagle_360]

But you looked desperate before :(

I like the chase.

 

[Bimbanana]

I like the chase.

Classy

 

[Conqueror_Quack]

Ah ok. Fine. Once I finish watching this telenova of will they wont they romance.

I just want to feel useful

Oh that's the one with bisexual subplot

 

[Bimbanana]

Oh that's the one with bisexual subplot

The girl or the dude?

 

[eagle_360]

Tch, fine.

Here's the draft of my second novel:

Chapter 1: Truck-Kun At Its Finest

Spoiler: Chapter 1

White

Everything was white and shiny.

That was the first thing the man saw as he slowly opened his eyes.

“Where am I?”

The question came naturally as he tried to make sense of the endless brightness surrounding him. It wasn’t just white—it was clean white. Polished. Almost divine.

He turned his head slightly.

There was something beside him. A tall object standing upright.

It read: Heaven.

His heart immediately began to pound.

Did he already die?
How?
When?

But more importantly… Heaven?

A slow smile formed on his lips.

“…Oh thank God.”

He squinted, trying to read the sign more clearly. The words then sharpened into focus.

Horse Heaven, Oregon.

The paint on the signpost was slightly faded.

“…Oh, dang it.” His smile vanished.

Still in the US.

“Why can’t I move?” he muttered.

He tried to shift his arms, only to feel resistance. When he looked, he quickly found the answer.

Chains.

His left hand was bound by a thick metal chain, extending outward to a parked truck. Its headlights were on, blasting directly into him.

He turned his head to the right.

Another chain. Another truck. Same position. Same blinding lights.

Then he looked forward.

A third truck stood directly in front of him, headlights on, completing the arrangement.

Three trucks. All pointed at him.

For a moment, he simply stared at them. Then the memory came back.

He had been running all day—from trucks. Not one, not two, but multiple trucks that had been trying very hard to kill him. The chase started from his home in Salem and didn’t stop until one of them finally caught up and completely totaled his car somewhere near this wonderfully named place.

Horse Heaven.

“…Right.”

And the reason those trucks had been trying to kill him…

…was now walking toward him.

The man approached at an unhurried pace, boots pressing against the ground with calm certainty. The headlights behind him stretched his shadow forward, obscuring his face in silhouette.

Only when he stopped right in front of Theo did the details become clear.

A rough-looking Mexican man with cowboy hat, thick mustache, and a goatee. The kind of presence that didn’t need to raise its voice to feel threatening.

“Theo Poliznev,” the man said coldly.

“Uh… hi there,” Theo replied, forcing a smile while sweat began forming along his temples.

“Hmph.” The man spat to the side. “I wonder if that’s even your real name… Master Obsidian Veil.”

Theo blinked, then gave a small, awkward chuckle.

“I’m pretty sure that’s the name my parents gave me, haha,” he said, holding onto the smile that he hoped might somehow fix the situation.

“…Nice to meet you.”

A brief pause.

“Do you think we can, uh… start over?”

“Like I said on the phone this morning,” the Mexican said coldly, “today will be your last day on earth, you fucking scam.”

Then he turned around and walked away toward the truck parked in front.

Scam.

Theo’s mind latched onto that word immediately.

It wasn’t wrong. His whole life was practically built on scams.

Not in a bad way—well, not for him. He had been the one doing the scamming, and he had built a pretty decent life out of it.

For his victims…

…well, that part was less great.

His thoughts drifted as memories began lining up neatly

His first successful scam came back to him—high school days. A neat little Ponzi scheme. Small town, small minds, very enthusiastic investors. He still remembered how easy it was to convince people when everyone wanted to believe they were getting ahead early.

Then came the Nigerian Prince phase.

Honestly, that one felt almost insulting in how well it worked. He barely had to try. A few emails, a tragic royal backstory, and suddenly people were wiring money out of sheer optimism.

He had been proud of that one.

But things truly escalated when he moved to Salem—the capital of paranormal activity.

Naturally, he pivoted.

Séance scams.

Pretending to channel the spirits of loved ones. Emotional, delicate work. Required timing, empathy, and just the right amount of theatrical pause. It was challenging and it was exciting.

And, more importantly, it paid very well.

Competition was fierce, though. Plenty of others were running the same act. So Theo improved the formula.

He hired actors.

Not just himself pretending to be possessed—but others, carefully staged, each performance rehearsed to perfection. The experience became immersive. Convincing.

His business exploded, and that was when Master Obsidian Veil was born.

All of it—every success, every client, every dollar—everything he built came from one thing he took very seriously: research.

Theo believed in preparation. Deep dives. Background checks. Social media stalking. Family history. Old posts. Archived forums. Anything that could be used.

There was a reason scammer is the only criminal that can be called scam artist.

There’s no burglar artist.
No pickpocket artist.
No blackmail artist.

There was a craft to scam, and Theo was proud of that craft.

Which made this current situation…

…deeply frustrating.

Because this time... he didn’t do enough research.

Mateo “El Abuela” Vargas.

For months, Theo had assumed the nickname “El Abuela”—The Grandma—came from a place of affection. A loving grandson, mourning his deceased grandmother, willing to spend generously just for one more conversation.

And to be fair, that part was true. Just… not the important part.

Apparently, Mateo earned that nickname because he had personally sent a significant number of his cartel enemies to meet their grandmothers in the afterlife.

In Theo’s defense, a cartel leader who specialized in trucking and smuggling didn’t exactly list that on social media.

So really, how was he supposed to know?

THUD.

Theo’s thoughts snapped back to the present as Mateo had entered his truck and shut the door.

Now Mateo sat behind the wheel, adjusting the position of a framed photo on the dashboard—his grandmother. He gave it a small, respectful smile before placing his hands on the steering wheel.

Then he looked forward at Theo. Still chained in the middle of the road, arms stretched out by the tension of the chains—almost like a cross. Mateo smile turned into a grin.

The engine started. A low, heavy rumble filled the air.

And so, here I am, Theo thought, watching as the truck came to life.

About to be executed by a trucking cartel leader.

By being rammed with a truck.

Mateo’s truck began to move. Theo watched it, mind oddly calm for someone in his current situation.

Wait…

He frowned slightly.

I think there’s a term for a truck that kills people…

The engine growled louder as the vehicle rolled forward.

Truck-kun, was it?

The truck picked up speed.

Yeah, Truck-kun. And then isekai. Theo almost smiled.

He remembered learning those terms while scamming amateur writers—fresh, hopeful, absolutely convinced their ideas were revolutionary. They were some of the easiest victims he’d ever had. He missed them a little.

The truck accelerated.

I wonder if I’ll get isekai’d because of this…

The headlights swallowed his vision as the distance closed rapidly. The world turned into blinding white.

Theo let out a small sigh.

“Sigh… I should’ve stuck with online scamming.”

And then—

everything went black.

A 11-ton semi truck, moving at 120 km/h, slammed directly into him.

Truly—

a Truck-kun moment at its finest.

---

Planet Civara
Mirecrest Kingdom

Far away from Oregon, on a planet where energy was powered by magic instead of electricity, where people flew using living organic creatures instead of organic fossil fuels, existed a world that every environmentalist on Earth would passionately approve of.

Admittedly, the transportation and energy sources here had a tendency to occasionally eat or kill their users.

Minor detail.

Inside the small kingdom of Mirecrest, King Godric paced back and forth in front of his throne.

His round figure and chubby cheeks did little to hide the tension on his face. Each step was heavy, uneven, worn down from repetition. Sweat had begun to form along his temples after nearly thirty minutes of pacing.

“Where is she…” he muttered under his breath.

Nearby, his advisor—Duke Lyrion, a frail and thin noble—watched with equal concern.

“Your Majesty… she will arrive today,” Duke Lyrion said carefully.

“You said the same thing yesterday!” King Godric snapped. “And the day before!”

The burst of anger only drained him further. With a tired exhale, he gave up pacing and sat down on the steps leading to his throne, lacking the energy to even climb back up properly.

He leaned forward, both hands gripping his head, voice weighed down with desperation.

“Is this because we’re poor?” King Godric said weakly. “Should we have given more tribute instead?”

“Your Majesty… we have no other options,” Duke Lyrion replied. “If we gave more… our kingdom would not recover financially. Not for the next forty years…”

“Screw forty years!” King Godric snapped again. “We’d be lucky if our neighbors don’t invade us next year! Or if we can even survive the famine this year!”

Then suddenly—

The hall doors burst open. A castle guard rushed in and dropped to one knee.

“Our guest from Lumia Church has arrived!” he declared.

King Godric’s entire face lit up. He immediately stood up, straightened his posture, and tried his best to look like a king who had not just been sitting on the stairs questioning his choices.

“Oh finally,” King Godric said, relief practically spilling out of his voice. “She’s here.”

“I still can’t believe it…” Duke Lyrion murmured, his expression equally brightened. “The beautiful Saintess Aurelia… stepping into our kingdom…”

The doors opened wider.

And from them, a woman walked in.

Graceful.

Dignified.

Dressed in pristine white priestess robes.

And very clearly around seventy years old.

A priestess who might have been breathtaking—

several decades ago.

King Godric blinked, Duke Lyrion blinked. They both stared.

“…Uh,” King Godric muttered, “and who are you?”

The woman stopped in front of them, lifting her chin slightly.

“I am Priestess Morwena Bristlewood,” she declared. “I am here to perform the hero summoning ritual as your kingdom has requested.”

King Godric and Duke Lyrion slowly turned to look at each other. Still processing.

“Ah… thank you for coming all this way, Priestess… Rowena,” Duke Lyrion said carefully. “We have been waiting for you for three days.”

“Hmph.” The priestess scoffed. “I didn’t realize this backwater kingdom would be such an inconvenience to reach.”

Duke Lyrion’s smile twitched slightly.

“But if I may ask…” he continued cautiously, “isn’t the summoning ritual usually conducted by… Saintess Aurelia?”

“Tch!”

Priestess Morwena clicked her tongue sharply.

“Your kingdom can only afford the lowest package of hero summoning,” she said bluntly. “And you expect the Church to send you our star saintess?!”

The words landed hard to both men.

“So?” Morwena continued impatiently. “Do you want me to perform the ritual or not? I still have several other kingdoms to visit.”

“Y-Yes! We want to do it!” King Godric said quickly. “Please forgive my advisor.”

Morwena scoffed again. “Then let’s get this over with.”

---

An hour later, the grand hall had been transformed.

A large magic circle covered the floor, glowing faintly as Priestess Morwena stood at its center, chanting steadily. Symbols layered upon symbols, lines weaving into complex patterns as the ritual neared completion.

At last, the circle stabilized, and the glow settled into something consistent. Morwena looked down at it, giving a small, satisfied nod.

Then she turned toward King Godric.

“Have you decided which hero class you wish to summon?” she asked.

“Yes!” King Godric answered without hesitation. “I choose the necromancer hero!”

Morwena blinked. While Duke Lyrion did more than blink.

“Y-Your Majesty?!” Duke Lyrion stammered. “A necromancer? Why?!”

“Hmm… Most kingdoms request a strong, conventional class,” Morwena said, frowning slightly. “A swordsman. A mage. If they prefer something less… public, perhaps an assassin.”

She paused.

“But a necromancer?”

Priestess Morwena then narrowed her eyes at King Godric.

“You do realize that necromancy is borderline demonic practice, right?” she said. “An enemy of the Church and the Goddess.”

“D-Don’t worry,” King Godric replied. He hesitated for a moment, “I don’t plan to do any demonic rituals or activities.”

He then forced himself to sound confident

“I have my own plan,” King Godric continued. “I’ve learned that necromancers may be weak at the beginning, but as they grow stronger, they can summon an army of undead.”

He paused, then added with emphasis:

“An army that doesn’t need to be fed, doesn't need to be paid.”

That part clearly meant something to him.

“That’s what our kingdom needs right now.”

He forced a grin. It didn’t fully convince anyone, including himself.

“Well, it’s not really our concern as long as you don’t plan to go against the Church,” Priestess Morwena said dismissively.

She turned back toward the magic circle.

“Very well. I shall begin the summoning.”

She raised her hands and began chanting.

Immediately, the magic circle flared to life, glowing intensely. The light grew brighter and brighter, forcing King Godric, Duke Lyrion, and the nearby guards to shield their eyes.

The chanting continued and the light intensified. For several long seconds, the entire hall was filled with nothing but blinding radiance and echoing prayer.

Then—

the glow began to shrink.

The light pulled inward, collapsing back into the circle before bursting outward into countless tiny particles. And in the center of it all—

a figure appeared.

A human.

Kneeling.

Priestess Morwena let out a small breath, slightly exhausted from the ritual, but she quickly composed herself. The protocol was not finished yet.

She stepped forward and cleared her throat.

“O hero… you have finally arrived,” she declared.

Silence.

Duke Lyrion leaned slightly toward the king.

“…Isn’t the welcoming phrase should be longer?” he whispered.

“This is the lowest summoning package, remember,” King Godric whispered back.

In the center of the circle, the summoned man slowly pushed himself up to his feet.

He looked down at his hands. Turned them, and flexed his fingers.

“I… I’m alive?” he muttered in disbelief.

“Tell me thy name, O hero from another world,” Priestess Morwena said.

The man looked up, now his face was clearly visible. Short brown hair, a little bit blemish. Not ugly but not particularly handsome either.

Just… a man.

A very normal man.

He hesitated for a moment before speaking.

“My name is Theo.”

Derogatory.

White

Everything was white and shiny.

You can't just start the same as your previous novel. It got to be different.

It wasn’t just white—it was clean white.

Is that a washing machine setting?

There was something beside him. A tall object standing upright.

It read: Heaven.

Go with him.

Horse Heaven, Oregon.

I love this sentence. I really do. I really really really do. Arsenic.

Still in the US.

“Why can’t I move?” he muttered.

He tried to shift his arms, only to feel resistance. When he looked, he quickly found the answer.

Chains.

Fire bling.

Three trucks. All pointed at him.

I see we're doing the surreal truck trope.

A rough-looking Mexican man with cowboy hat, thick mustache, and a goatee.

No hablos espanol?

Scam.

Theo’s mind latched onto that word immediately.

It wasn’t wrong. His whole life was practically built on scams.

Not in a bad way—well, not for him. He had been the one doing the scamming,

A scammer?

Then came the Nigerian Prince phase.

I was told it was legit

Then he looked forward at Theo. Still chained in the middle of the road, arms stretched out by the tension of the chains—almost like a cross.

Did you know spread eagle is also my favorite position.

A 11-ton semi truck, moving at 120 km/h, slammed directly into him.

Truly—

a Truck-kun moment at its finest.

Classic

And from them, a woman walked in.

Graceful.

Dignified.

Dressed in pristine white priestess robes.

And very clearly around seventy years old.

A priestess who might have been breathtaking—

several decades ago.

Old people can still be breathtaking. This is ageist. Now let me go install some new knees while I continue to read.

The light pulled inward, collapsing back into the circle before bursting outward into countless tiny particles. And in the center of it all—

a figure appeared.

A human.

Kneeling.

Sitting

“…Isn’t the welcoming phrase should be longer?” he whispered.

“This is the lowest summoning package, remember,” King Godric whispered back.

Just… a man.

A very normal man.

He hesitated for a moment before speaking.

“My name is Theo.”

What an entrance

Normal man

---

Verdict :

Your previous novel had a better hook.
This one feel basic

Me no too excited.

 

[Bimbanana]

Derogatory.

You can't just start the same as your previous novel. It got to be different.

Is that a washing machine setting?

Go with him.

I love this sentence. I really do. I really really really do. Arsenic.

Fire bling.

I see we're doing the surreal truck trope.

No hablos espanol?

A scammer?

I was told it was legit

Did you know spread eagle is also my favorite position.

Classic

Old people can still be breathtaking. This is ageist. Now let me go install some new knees while I continue to read.

Sitting

What an entrance

Normal man

---

Verdict :

Your previous novel had a better hook.
This one feel basic

Me no too excited.

 

[eagle_360]

I'm being serious. This one missing da wow.

It's ok. Don't feel bad. Keep it together.

This is da true feeling I'm getting. Real emotion. Trust me. I am expert. See below video to understand.

http://imgur.com/tt1SIZz

 

[Bimbanana]

I'm being serious. This one missing da wow.

It's ok. Don't feel bad. Keep it together.

This is da true feeling I'm getting. Real emotion. Trust me. I am expert. See below video to understand.

http://imgur.com/tt1SIZz

.,,,,,,,,,

 

[Eldoria]

Okey. Please try mine, sis.

Spoiler: The Foggy Day

Another Day in Rose Valley…

A thin veil of mist hung over the green valley scented with roses as the morning sun peeked from the eastern horizon. The wind blew gently, swaying the fields of red roses. Petals drifted through the air, dancing softly before settling upon a small pink hood.

“Hop… hop—Jump!” The sound of tiny feet bounced across the damp grass.

“La la la… la la… la…” A little girl in a pink hood hummed cheerfully, her right hand swinging as it held her mother’s soft palm.

“Caelan, honey… be careful!” A gentle voice echoed in her ears.

Caelan looked up. Her blue eyes sparkled as she gazed at her mother’s shimmering silver hair.

“Okay, Mom. Caelan is happy… walking to the market with Mommy. Hehe…” Her small hand tightened around her mother’s.

Her mother smiled. A woven basket rested in her right hand. She leaned closer, covering her lips slightly as a soft chuckle slipped through her fingers.

Their steps halted on the reddish soil. They looked down the hill.

Wooden houses stood in rows as far as the eye could see. Chimneys rose from their rooftops, releasing thin trails of smoke.

“Mommy…” The sweet voice echoed again.

The woman in the fur-lined coat lowered her gaze, meeting her daughter’s face. Her daughter’s eyes were round and clear like a bright sky.

“Caelan wants red apples,” her daughter whined softly.

“Be patient, honey. We’ll stop by Grandma Dora’s stall later, alright?”

“Yay! Mommy is the best!” Her left hand shot up into the air.

Caelan took a step forward, pointing toward the village. “Let’s go, Mom!”

Her mother smiled, holding her daughter’s hand tightly as they walked down the hill together.

A gentle breeze passed by as they descended, the hem of her skirt swaying softly.

…

They walked along the damp ground. Caelan glanced to the left side of the road, staring at spinach displayed on a wooden stall shelf.

Her little head shook. “Caelan doesn’t like vegetables.”

Her right eye shut as her cheek was pinched. Caelan looked up.

Her mother smiled. The basket hung from her arm, with spinach and beef peeking out from the top.

“Be a good girl, honey. Eat your vegetables so you can be pretty like Mommy.”

Caelan puffed her cheeks. “Caelan doesn’t like vegetables… but Caelan wants to be pretty like Mommy.”

Her mother gently stroked the back of her head. The little girl smiled, enjoying her mother’s soft touch.

“Marry… Caealan…” An old woman’s voice echoed from ahead. Marry turned her head.

Grandma Dora stood by the roadside, her wrinkled hand waving at them.

Marry and her daughter stopped in front of the fruit stall. She looked at Grandma Dora. “Grandma Dora… the usual apple order, please.”

Grandma Dora nodded. “Of course, Mrs. Marry.”

The old woman stepped inside the stall, leaving her grandson standing in front of Marry and Caelan.

Caelan stepped forward and stood in front of her mother. Tilting her head slightly, she watched the boy jumping around while swinging a wooden stick. “Thomas… what are you doing?”

Thomas stopped swinging his stick. His dark eyes glanced at Caelan before returning to his little weapon.

“Don’t bother me… I’m practicing a super secret combat technique. I want to become a hero like Big Sis Red.” His arms crossed proudly over his chest.

“Thump!” A light smack landed on his small shoulder. Thomas turned around.

His grandmother stood behind him, holding a brown bag. “Thomas! Look at your clothes! They’re so thin. I told you—you’ll catch a cold!”

Thomas puffed his cheeks. “A shadow hero isn’t afraid of catching a cold! I’ll fight monsters and storms!”

“Nonsense!” Grandma Dora’s voice rose as she pointed at Caelan. “Look at Caelan! She’s sweet, gentle, listens to her mother—unlike you!”

“Don’t compare me to a little girl!” Thomas frowned.

Caelan hugged her mother’s waist. “I’m Mommy’s daughter. Hehe…”

Marry stood still, a soft smile forming on her lips. She shook her head gently. For a moment… she allowed herself to enjoy this peaceful scene.

“Mrs. Marry… your apples.” Grandma Dora handed over a wrapped bundle.

Marry nodded, placing it into her basket before handing over two silver coins.

“Thank you, Mrs. Marry,” Her grandma's voice was soft.

Marry nodded. “My daughter really loves red apples.”

Grandma Dora slipped the coins into her pocket. “I’m glad… Little Caelan likes my apples—”

“Woosh…” A cold wind swept past them.

Grandma Dora crossed her arms, hugging herself. “Lately… it’s been getting colder, hasn’t it?”

A faint mist escaped her breath. “The fog is getting thicker too. I’m worried… this might be a sign of unusual weather.”

Marry fell silent. Her lips curved slightly downward. “I hope spring lasts a little longer.”

She narrowed her eyes, gazing at the white mist hanging in the sky.

…

Later That Afternoon, After Lunch…

The fog grew thicker, obscuring the view. The wind rocked a wooden rocking chair on the porch.

Marry sat on it, holding Caelan on her lap. The fur on her coat swayed gently with the breeze. The chair moved back and forth, in rhythm with her soft, melodic voice.

Marry caressed her daughter’s face. “Honey… don’t play outside for now, okay?”

Caelan rested her head against her mother’s chest. “Mmm… why, Mom?”

“The fog is crying, honey.” Marry hugged her gently. “Mommy wants to tell you a story about the world princesses.”

“A story about world princesses?!” Her tiny fingers tugged at the fur fabric. “Yes… yes… Caelan wants to hear Mommy’s story. Hehe.”

“Good. Mommy will begin.” Marry gently rocked the chair.

“Once upon a time, in a great kingdom, there lived a princess named the Rose Princess and a younger brother called the Blond Prince. The Princess loved helping people. The Prince loved helping the Princess. The people praised their kindness.”

“Wow… the Rose Princess and the Blond Prince.” Her voice sounded sweet. “Are they pretty, Mom?”

Marry smiled. “They are very beautiful and handsome, honey.” She stroked her daughter’s hair. “As beautiful as Mommy’s daughter.”

“Mommy is pretty too. Hehe.” The little girl pressed her head against her chest.

Marry smiled softly. “Now Mommy will continue the story, honey.”

Caelan nodded. “Yes, Mom.”

“One day… Mr. Sun became angry. He shone far too brightly. The land turned dry. People cried. They were starving. They could no longer eat bread. When the Princess heard their cries, her heart tightened.”

“The Princess wanted to feed the people. She opened the royal bread storage. She was about to give the bread to the starving people, but—” Marry held her breath.

“Why, Mom?” Caelan tilted her head.

“The King forbade her. He wanted to keep the bread for his own family.”

“The Princess was furious. She wanted to oppose the King. But the King held the Prince in the silver palace. He said that if the Princess gave the royal bread to the starving people, he would keep the Prince forever.”

“Mommy… the King is evil.” Caelan pouted.

Marry gently stroked her daughter’s silver hair. “The King is indeed cruel, honey. But don’t worry. The Rose Princess will find help.”

“The Princess left the palace. She went in search of help to free the Prince. But no one could help her. Still, she did not give up. She traveled across the kingdom seeking aid. And then—”

“One day, she met the Mist Princess at the border of the kingdom. The Rose Princess saw the Mist Princess helping the starving. She gave bread to an old woman, a pregnant mother, a teenage girl, and a little girl about Caelan’s age. She helped every suffering woman without asking for anything in return.”

“Wow… the Mist Princess is so kind, Mom.”

“Yes, honey. She is very kind.” Marry smiled faintly. “The Rose Princess was moved. She wanted to join her. The Mist Princess welcomed her. Together, they began their journey to help the starving.”

“They went from one village to another, giving bread to the hungry. Their names shone across the kingdom. People praised them. The world called them the ‘World Princesses,’ the light of dawn for those in suffering.”

“Day after day, the Rose Princess and the Mist Princess grew like sisters. The Mist Princess cherished the Rose Princess, and the Rose Princess saw her as her own sister.”

“One day, Mr. Sun was no longer angry. Rain fell. Wheat, vegetables, and fruits grew from the moist earth. People were no longer starving.”

“The Rose Princess was happy to see people able to eat bread again. But she remembered… her little brother was still held by the King. The Rose Princess asked the Mist Princess for help to free the Prince.”

Marry fell silent for a moment. Her blue eyes dimmed.

“Mommy?!” A sweet voice broke her thoughts.

“It’s nothing, honey.” Marry hugged her tightly. “Mommy will continue the story.”

“Go on, Mom.” Her daughter’s voice warmed her heart.

“The Mist Princess agreed to help. But she asked the Rose Princess to stay with her after the Prince was freed. The Rose Princess nodded.”

“They set out together for the silver palace. When they arrived, the Rose Princess asked the King to release her brother. But the King refused. Enraged, he commanded thousands of gray wolves to drive her away.”

“The Rose Princess fought back. She scattered rose thorns. The wolves stepped on them and fell, howling in pain.”

“Meanwhile, the Mist Princess attacked with a storm of mist. In the end, the King and the wolves fell into an eternal sleep. They were defeated.”

“Yay!” Caelan raised her hands. “The Rose Princess and the Mist Princess won!”

Marry covered her lips with her hand, a soft sound slipping through her fingers. She lowered her hand and pinched her daughter’s cheek. “The story isn’t over yet, honey.”

Caelan held her chin. “Not yet, Mom?”

“Not yet, Mommy will continue.” She stopped rocking the chair.

“The Rose Princess freed the Prince. The sister and her younger brother were finally reunited. The Prince cried in her embrace.”

“The Mist Princess watched them from afar. She felt unhappy… and she grew jealous of the Prince.”

“That night, the Rose Princess went to say goodbye to him. She knocked on his door, but he did not answer.”

“She entered the room carefully. She saw the Prince lying asleep on his bed. She smiled and approached him, trying to wake him, but he would not wake.”

“The Princess panicked. She remembered that only the Mist Princess could put someone to sleep. She went to her and asked why she had done it. The Mist Princess answered that she didn’t like how close the Rose Princess was to the Prince. The Rose Princess said he was her little brother. The Mist Princess denied it, she said she was the one who was her sister.”

“The Rose Princess fought back with her rose thorns. She didn't want the Mist Princess to harm the Prince.”

“But the Mist Princess grew angry. She retaliated with a storm of mist. Thorns clashed against fog. The storm subsided. The Mist Princess was wounded. She left, but promised she would return.”

“The Rose Princess was saddened by the threat. She feared the Mist Princess would harm her brother.”

“She treated the Prince… and then left the palace. The next day, the Prince awoke and searched everywhere for his sister, but she was nowhere to be found.”

“Days passed. The Princess and the Prince lived their own lives. The Prince lived alone in the palace. The Princess lived alone outside it. They lived in different places, longing for each other… without ever meeting again. The end.”

“Is it over, Mom?” Caelan glanced at her, her eyes slightly teary.

"Honey… Mommy is here.” Marry gently wiped her tears.

Marry let out a soft breath. Her cheek rested against her daughter’s as her arms wrapped around her back.

“But the Prince is so pitiful, Mom…” Her voice trembled. “Why did the Princess leave him alone?”

Marry leaned her daughter back against her chest and stroked her hair. “Honey… it’s because the Rose Princess loves him.”

“She didn’t want the Prince to get hurt. If she stayed, the Mist Princess would return and harm him again. She wanted him to live safely and peacefully.”

“Hic… hic…” Caelan’s shoulders trembled. “Will… Mommy… leave… me… because Mommy love Caelan so much?!”

Marry’s eyes widened. “Honey… look at Mommy!”

Caelan looked up, meeting her gaze. Two pairs of sky-blue eyes locked together.

“Mommy made a promise, right? Mommy will always be with Caelan.” She kissed her daughter’s cheek. “Don’t be sad, honey. Mommy wants Caelan to smile every day.”

Marry smiled softly. “Does Caelan understand?”

Caelan buried her face into her mother’s chest. “Mmm… Caelan loves Mommy so much.” Her small arms wrapped around her back.

Marry stroked her gently. “Good girl. Mommy loves Caelan, too.”

A while later, Caelan fell asleep in her lap. Her breathing rose softly against Marry’s chest, warmth spreading through her heart.

Marry resumed rocking the chair and gazed at the sky. Orange light pierced through the fog.

She smiled faintly and whispered, “Black Mist… what are you doing right now?”

The wind blew, lifting her silver hair, carrying her whisper northward across Rose Valley.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

I don't know, man. I see the memes and I need a review like this.
I don't even know if the prologue is made for it or the protagonist is too much of a meme in her own right, but I volunteer my work as a tribute, if you have some space left open.
Thanks for the work you are doing on this site.

The Crazy Daughter of the Duke’s Family

[First Season currently in revision; in preparation for Season 2 / as of March 29th, 2026] All She Wanted, Was to live - Death Gave Her a Second Chance Celia had fought creatures called 'Visitors' for as long as she could remember. Together with Pan, a Visitor of Special Grade himself, her...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[eagle_360]

Okey. Please try mine, sis.

Spoiler: The Foggy Day

Another Day in Rose Valley…

A thin veil of mist hung over the green valley scented with roses as the morning sun peeked from the eastern horizon. The wind blew gently, swaying the fields of red roses. Petals drifted through the air, dancing softly before settling upon a small pink hood.

“Hop… hop—Jump!” The sound of tiny feet bounced across the damp grass.

“La la la… la la… la…” A little girl in a pink hood hummed cheerfully, her right hand swinging as it held her mother’s soft palm.

“Caelan, honey… be careful!” A gentle voice echoed in her ears.

Caelan looked up. Her blue eyes sparkled as she gazed at her mother’s shimmering silver hair.

“Okay, Mom. Caelan is happy… walking to the market with Mommy. Hehe…” Her small hand tightened around her mother’s.

Her mother smiled. A woven basket rested in her right hand. She leaned closer, covering her lips slightly as a soft chuckle slipped through her fingers.

Their steps halted on the reddish soil. They looked down the hill.

Wooden houses stood in rows as far as the eye could see. Chimneys rose from their rooftops, releasing thin trails of smoke.

“Mommy…” The sweet voice echoed again.

The woman in the fur-lined coat lowered her gaze, meeting her daughter’s face. Her daughter’s eyes were round and clear like a bright sky.

“Caelan wants red apples,” her daughter whined softly.

“Be patient, honey. We’ll stop by Grandma Dora’s stall later, alright?”

“Yay! Mommy is the best!” Her left hand shot up into the air.

Caelan took a step forward, pointing toward the village. “Let’s go, Mom!”

Her mother smiled, holding her daughter’s hand tightly as they walked down the hill together.

A gentle breeze passed by as they descended, the hem of her skirt swaying softly.

…

They walked along the damp ground. Caelan glanced to the left side of the road, staring at spinach displayed on a wooden stall shelf.

Her little head shook. “Caelan doesn’t like vegetables.”

Her right eye shut as her cheek was pinched. Caelan looked up.

Her mother smiled. The basket hung from her arm, with spinach and beef peeking out from the top.

“Be a good girl, honey. Eat your vegetables so you can be pretty like Mommy.”

Caelan puffed her cheeks. “Caelan doesn’t like vegetables… but Caelan wants to be pretty like Mommy.”

Her mother gently stroked the back of her head. The little girl smiled, enjoying her mother’s soft touch.

“Marry… Caealan…” An old woman’s voice echoed from ahead. Marry turned her head.

Grandma Dora stood by the roadside, her wrinkled hand waving at them.

Marry and her daughter stopped in front of the fruit stall. She looked at Grandma Dora. “Grandma Dora… the usual apple order, please.”

Grandma Dora nodded. “Of course, Mrs. Marry.”

The old woman stepped inside the stall, leaving her grandson standing in front of Marry and Caelan.

Caelan stepped forward and stood in front of her mother. Tilting her head slightly, she watched the boy jumping around while swinging a wooden stick. “Thomas… what are you doing?”

Thomas stopped swinging his stick. His dark eyes glanced at Caelan before returning to his little weapon.

“Don’t bother me… I’m practicing a super secret combat technique. I want to become a hero like Big Sis Red.” His arms crossed proudly over his chest.

“Thump!” A light smack landed on his small shoulder. Thomas turned around.

His grandmother stood behind him, holding a brown bag. “Thomas! Look at your clothes! They’re so thin. I told you—you’ll catch a cold!”

Thomas puffed his cheeks. “A shadow hero isn’t afraid of catching a cold! I’ll fight monsters and storms!”

“Nonsense!” Grandma Dora’s voice rose as she pointed at Caelan. “Look at Caelan! She’s sweet, gentle, listens to her mother—unlike you!”

“Don’t compare me to a little girl!” Thomas frowned.

Caelan hugged her mother’s waist. “I’m Mommy’s daughter. Hehe…”

Marry stood still, a soft smile forming on her lips. She shook her head gently. For a moment… she allowed herself to enjoy this peaceful scene.

“Mrs. Marry… your apples.” Grandma Dora handed over a wrapped bundle.

Marry nodded, placing it into her basket before handing over two silver coins.

“Thank you, Mrs. Marry,” Her grandma's voice was soft.

Marry nodded. “My daughter really loves red apples.”

Grandma Dora slipped the coins into her pocket. “I’m glad… Little Caelan likes my apples—”

“Woosh…” A cold wind swept past them.

Grandma Dora crossed her arms, hugging herself. “Lately… it’s been getting colder, hasn’t it?”

A faint mist escaped her breath. “The fog is getting thicker too. I’m worried… this might be a sign of unusual weather.”

Marry fell silent. Her lips curved slightly downward. “I hope spring lasts a little longer.”

She narrowed her eyes, gazing at the white mist hanging in the sky.

…

Later That Afternoon, After Lunch…

The fog grew thicker, obscuring the view. The wind rocked a wooden rocking chair on the porch.

Marry sat on it, holding Caelan on her lap. The fur on her coat swayed gently with the breeze. The chair moved back and forth, in rhythm with her soft, melodic voice.

Marry caressed her daughter’s face. “Honey… don’t play outside for now, okay?”

Caelan rested her head against her mother’s chest. “Mmm… why, Mom?”

“The fog is crying, honey.” Marry hugged her gently. “Mommy wants to tell you a story about the world princesses.”

“A story about world princesses?!” Her tiny fingers tugged at the fur fabric. “Yes… yes… Caelan wants to hear Mommy’s story. Hehe.”

“Good. Mommy will begin.” Marry gently rocked the chair.

“Once upon a time, in a great kingdom, there lived a princess named the Rose Princess and a younger brother called the Blond Prince. The Princess loved helping people. The Prince loved helping the Princess. The people praised their kindness.”

“Wow… the Rose Princess and the Blond Prince.” Her voice sounded sweet. “Are they pretty, Mom?”

Marry smiled. “They are very beautiful and handsome, honey.” She stroked her daughter’s hair. “As beautiful as Mommy’s daughter.”

“Mommy is pretty too. Hehe.” The little girl pressed her head against her chest.

Marry smiled softly. “Now Mommy will continue the story, honey.”

Caelan nodded. “Yes, Mom.”

“One day… Mr. Sun became angry. He shone far too brightly. The land turned dry. People cried. They were starving. They could no longer eat bread. When the Princess heard their cries, her heart tightened.”

“The Princess wanted to feed the people. She opened the royal bread storage. She was about to give the bread to the starving people, but—” Marry held her breath.

“Why, Mom?” Caelan tilted her head.

“The King forbade her. He wanted to keep the bread for his own family.”

“The Princess was furious. She wanted to oppose the King. But the King held the Prince in the silver palace. He said that if the Princess gave the royal bread to the starving people, he would keep the Prince forever.”

“Mommy… the King is evil.” Caelan pouted.

Marry gently stroked her daughter’s silver hair. “The King is indeed cruel, honey. But don’t worry. The Rose Princess will find help.”

“The Princess left the palace. She went in search of help to free the Prince. But no one could help her. Still, she did not give up. She traveled across the kingdom seeking aid. And then—”

“One day, she met the Mist Princess at the border of the kingdom. The Rose Princess saw the Mist Princess helping the starving. She gave bread to an old woman, a pregnant mother, a teenage girl, and a little girl about Caelan’s age. She helped every suffering woman without asking for anything in return.”

“Wow… the Mist Princess is so kind, Mom.”

“Yes, honey. She is very kind.” Marry smiled faintly. “The Rose Princess was moved. She wanted to join her. The Mist Princess welcomed her. Together, they began their journey to help the starving.”

“They went from one village to another, giving bread to the hungry. Their names shone across the kingdom. People praised them. The world called them the ‘World Princesses,’ the light of dawn for those in suffering.”

“Day after day, the Rose Princess and the Mist Princess grew like sisters. The Mist Princess cherished the Rose Princess, and the Rose Princess saw her as her own sister.”

“One day, Mr. Sun was no longer angry. Rain fell. Wheat, vegetables, and fruits grew from the moist earth. People were no longer starving.”

“The Rose Princess was happy to see people able to eat bread again. But she remembered… her little brother was still held by the King. The Rose Princess asked the Mist Princess for help to free the Prince.”

Marry fell silent for a moment. Her blue eyes dimmed.

“Mommy?!” A sweet voice broke her thoughts.

“It’s nothing, honey.” Marry hugged her tightly. “Mommy will continue the story.”

“Go on, Mom.” Her daughter’s voice warmed her heart.

“The Mist Princess agreed to help. But she asked the Rose Princess to stay with her after the Prince was freed. The Rose Princess nodded.”

“They set out together for the silver palace. When they arrived, the Rose Princess asked the King to release her brother. But the King refused. Enraged, he commanded thousands of gray wolves to drive her away.”

“The Rose Princess fought back. She scattered rose thorns. The wolves stepped on them and fell, howling in pain.”

“Meanwhile, the Mist Princess attacked with a storm of mist. In the end, the King and the wolves fell into an eternal sleep. They were defeated.”

“Yay!” Caelan raised her hands. “The Rose Princess and the Mist Princess won!”

Marry covered her lips with her hand, a soft sound slipping through her fingers. She lowered her hand and pinched her daughter’s cheek. “The story isn’t over yet, honey.”

Caelan held her chin. “Not yet, Mom?”

“Not yet, Mommy will continue.” She stopped rocking the chair.

“The Rose Princess freed the Prince. The sister and her younger brother were finally reunited. The Prince cried in her embrace.”

“The Mist Princess watched them from afar. She felt unhappy… and she grew jealous of the Prince.”

“That night, the Rose Princess went to say goodbye to him. She knocked on his door, but he did not answer.”

“She entered the room carefully. She saw the Prince lying asleep on his bed. She smiled and approached him, trying to wake him, but he would not wake.”

“The Princess panicked. She remembered that only the Mist Princess could put someone to sleep. She went to her and asked why she had done it. The Mist Princess answered that she didn’t like how close the Rose Princess was to the Prince. The Rose Princess said he was her little brother. The Mist Princess denied it, she said she was the one who was her sister.”

“The Rose Princess fought back with her rose thorns. She didn't want the Mist Princess to harm the Prince.”

“But the Mist Princess grew angry. She retaliated with a storm of mist. Thorns clashed against fog. The storm subsided. The Mist Princess was wounded. She left, but promised she would return.”

“The Rose Princess was saddened by the threat. She feared the Mist Princess would harm her brother.”

“She treated the Prince… and then left the palace. The next day, the Prince awoke and searched everywhere for his sister, but she was nowhere to be found.”

“Days passed. The Princess and the Prince lived their own lives. The Prince lived alone in the palace. The Princess lived alone outside it. They lived in different places, longing for each other… without ever meeting again. The end.”

“Is it over, Mom?” Caelan glanced at her, her eyes slightly teary.

"Honey… Mommy is here.” Marry gently wiped her tears.

Marry let out a soft breath. Her cheek rested against her daughter’s as her arms wrapped around her back.

“But the Prince is so pitiful, Mom…” Her voice trembled. “Why did the Princess leave him alone?”

Marry leaned her daughter back against her chest and stroked her hair. “Honey… it’s because the Rose Princess loves him.”

“She didn’t want the Prince to get hurt. If she stayed, the Mist Princess would return and harm him again. She wanted him to live safely and peacefully.”

“Hic… hic…” Caelan’s shoulders trembled. “Will… Mommy… leave… me… because Mommy love Caelan so much?!”

Marry’s eyes widened. “Honey… look at Mommy!”

Caelan looked up, meeting her gaze. Two pairs of sky-blue eyes locked together.

“Mommy made a promise, right? Mommy will always be with Caelan.” She kissed her daughter’s cheek. “Don’t be sad, honey. Mommy wants Caelan to smile every day.”

Marry smiled softly. “Does Caelan understand?”

Caelan buried her face into her mother’s chest. “Mmm… Caelan loves Mommy so much.” Her small arms wrapped around her back.

Marry stroked her gently. “Good girl. Mommy loves Caelan, too.”

A while later, Caelan fell asleep in her lap. Her breathing rose softly against Marry’s chest, warmth spreading through her heart.

Marry resumed rocking the chair and gazed at the sky. Orange light pierced through the fog.

She smiled faintly and whispered, “Black Mist… what are you doing right now?”

The wind blew, lifting her silver hair, carrying her whisper northward across Rose Valley.

Hiya my dearest cutie,

I will gladly look through, very happy you are here!

“Be patient, honey. We’ll stop by Grandma Dora’s stall later, alright?”

I am imagining Dora the explorer all grown up.

They walked along the damp ground. Caelan glanced to the left side of the road, staring at spinach displayed on a wooden stall shelf.

Does he not like vegetables?

Her little head shook. “Caelan doesn’t like vegetables.”

Oh. I see.

Thomas stopped swinging his stick. His dark eyes glanced at Caelan before returning to his little weapon.

Understandable

His grandmother stood behind him, holding a brown bag. “Thomas! Look at your clothes! They’re so thin. I told you—you’ll catch a cold!”

Absolutely relatable.

Grandma Dora crossed her arms, hugging herself. “Lately… it’s been getting colder, hasn’t it?”

A faint mist escaped her breath. “The fog is getting thicker too. I’m worried… this might be a sign of unusual weather.”

Marry fell silent. Her lips curved slightly downward. “I hope spring lasts a little longer.”

If grandma is concerned, I am concerned too.

“Wow… the Rose Princess and the Blond Prince.” Her voice sounded sweet. “Are they pretty, Mom?”

Marry smiled. “They are very beautiful and handsome, honey.” She stroked her daughter’s hair. “As beautiful as Mommy’s daughter.”

“Mommy is pretty too. Hehe.” The little girl pressed her head against her chest.

You are striking directly at my heart now.

“Yes, honey. She is very kind.” Marry smiled faintly. “The Rose Princess was moved. She wanted to join her. The Mist Princess welcomed her. Together, they began their journey to help the starving.”

Oh! A princess adventure! I'm am absolutely loving the mini-story!

“They set out together for the silver palace. When they arrived, the Rose Princess asked the King to release her brother. But the King refused. Enraged, he commanded thousands of gray wolves to drive her away.”

Noooooo...Not the wolves

In the end, the King and the wolves fell into an eternal sleep. They were defeated.”

“Yay!” Caelan raised her hands. “The Rose Princess and the Mist Princess won!”

I'm happy too!

“She entered the room carefully. She saw the Prince lying asleep on his bed. She smiled and approached him, trying to wake him, but he would not wake.”

“But the Prince is so pitiful, Mom…” Her voice trembled. “Why did the Princess leave him alone?”

Marry leaned her daughter back against her chest and stroked her hair. “Honey… it’s because the Rose Princess loves him.”

“She didn’t want the Prince to get hurt. If she stayed, the Mist Princess would return and harm him again. She wanted him to live safely and peacefully.”

Sad

Caelan buried her face into her mother’s chest. “Mmm… Caelan loves Mommy so much.” Her small arms wrapped around her back.

Marry stroked her gently. “Good girl. Mommy loves Caelan, too.”

Stop it. You are making my heart melt. You know my motherly weakness.

The wind blew, lifting her silver hair, carrying her whisper northward across Rose Valley.

It ends so well...

---

Verdict :
It's so damn good. I actually feel refreshed. I have no idea how you did that.

I feel the start of a journey. An amazing one.

 

[JayMark]

This thread feels like getting drop kicked by Tickle Me Elmo after he snorted 3 kilos of cocaine while memes keep pushing the screen down. Fine, you can drop kick "Help! Evil Wizards Turned Me Into A Girl!"

 

[Eldoria]

Verdict :
It's so damn good. I actually feel refreshed. I have no idea how you did that.

I feel the start of a journey. An amazing one.

Thank you for your honest feedback. This chapter is actually a subtle lore about her mother's dark past, but wrapped in a gentle fairy tale to preserve her daughter's innocence.

 

[eagle_360]

I don't know, man. I see the memes and I need a review like this.
I don't even know if the prologue is made for it or the protagonist is too much of a meme in her own right, but I volunteer my work as a tribute, if you have some space left open.
Thanks for the work you are doing on this site.

The Crazy Daughter of the Duke’s Family

[First Season currently in revision; in preparation for Season 2 / as of March 29th, 2026] All She Wanted, Was to live - Death Gave Her a Second Chance Celia had fought creatures called 'Visitors' for as long as she could remember. Together with Pan, a Visitor of Special Grade himself, her...

www.scribblehub.com

Mhm.

I will always say yes to the anyone who willing puts themself to the podium. No matter the circumstance because having the courage to look for feedback is already a win in my book.

Nice novel cover but why is your name strike-through. Also, the r is missing, it looks like Cazy

I shall skip the prologue since it's a lil small. Oh. Since this is a mil novel, I will use my brief career experience and judge it from there. I will put my hatred of the military UN-intentionally into this so I'm sorry!!!

I also understand its a fantasy novel but I will indeed cringe on my own feedback so rest assured, I come out of this worse off.

soldiers running laps were already up and going for several hours. Same was true for a certain group of new cadets, fresh out of their initial military training,

If they are out of basic, why are they cadets? Is this OCS?

They were, in fact, the very few who could call themselves the Specialists of VAULT.

Oh. I was recently introduced to fallout franchise game. Also, specialists schools usually don't use the word cadet. Mostly ocs to my memory. But this is a fantasy army so its ok.

led by the man who had lent his name to the very building they had walked through on their first day: J.T. Brennan, one of only six Five-Star Generals in all of the U.S. army,

Damn. A 5-star means legs wide open when you see em. Also, buildings cannot be named after active generals.

"You were slow," he pointed out their faults, "if you're going to be this slow, you won't make it on the battlefield. This isn't a picnic, you understand?"

I have never heard this sentence used before in my time. Also, there is like 0 energy being given. Commands never end in " ? "

Sergeant Raymond Bell.

His loud voice made some of them flinch, as they stood there with their hands behind their backs. "Sir, yes, Sir!" they answered in unison.

Never say the sir sandwich. It will always be yes sir, sir, or drill sergeant. teehee love love

"So, what are you missing?"

Afraid to spout nonsense, they kept their mouths shut this time. What were they missing? Experience in fighting the enemy they swore to hunt and decimate, the Visitors? They had barely ever seen one, that much was true.

When they do end in "?". It usually is rhetorical. I get scare. Thanks

At that moment, a young girl of fourteen years was walking in, headphones in her ears, as she dried off her sweaty forehead with the band wrapped around her wrist. She had a day off, but meditating and running laps would still be something she couldn't risk missing out on.


While walking, she pulled out her phone, unlocked it and started recording a video.

Oooo...exciting character trope ahead!!

She would always cut it down, but she still had to pull it into a ponytail every time she trained or fought.

Need new hairstyle.

Of course, she wouldn't let that slide. "No, dumbfuck – I meant the sound of newbies getting knocked down a peg," Abby replied in an annoyed tone.

"You mean arrogant little cum stains?" Abby pondered with pursed lips.

More cursing. More authentic. Good Good.

"Everybody wants to make an achievement; everybody wants to be the MVP," the girl with the long black hair spoke

fruit salad

Instead, they told stories about vampires, and werewolves, and all the things Visitors would inspire them to fantasize about, imagining worlds in which those creatures were living, breathing races of fantastical beings, sometimes even living among humanity.

The kids never stopped yapping about this.

But even he didn't know the things that people on the front lines were aware of.

Front line mostly upside down.

Of course, that wasn't visible to the naked eye. She looked like a child – in fact, she was barely a teenager – she was short, lean and didn't have much of an imposing aura.

How short?

'That's the platoon leader?' He realized she wasn't wearing her uniform, so it must be her day off, but a Specialist shouldn't be a Platoon leader.

Does happen tho, sometimes even the private could become squad leader because no one is there.

Without another word, she followed the man who had called her out of the hall, walking a long way to the one they called their Major.

His name Major or rank major or both. Major Major. Somehow everyone with the most hilarious names always end up in the military.

"Rejoice, Sergeant, we have finally found your family," was all he said as she had opened the folder, looking at a picture of herself, with two adults next to her in it, "or at least whatever is left of it."

Harsh

---

Verdict :
Ate
You gave me bad memories too.
But yup! The start is well paced, well written and gives me the understanding of magic war.

Whoop whoop here comes the pain of war!