Writing high-stakes fight... Am I good at doing it?

[Boundless]

Oh, i see! I thought the word "Playtime’s over, kid!" is the initial starting fight

it is kind of misleading if you didn't actually know the context, I understand that HAHAHHAHA!

 

[Nolff]

Why did you even reply to this thread, bro

 

[TheIcMan]

Yeah you're both lacking and overdoing it. You're lacking the actual tension and scene of the fight, and you're overdoing everything else.

Web novel-esque prose is already short, so for action it needs to be incredibly tight and evocative. There's a lot of unnecessary words that extend the action.

Your eyes are as much of the experience as your imagination. I subscribe to the idea that your eyes need to feel the action as well. Id the fight is lingering, make the text and descriptions extend as well. If there's a swift cut, make it a single line. It's about the immersion.

 

[seavmun88]

He's one of the top 25 strongest swordsmaster in the entire continent, and he is even winning in a 3v1 fight if not only he wasn't distracted by the FMC.

smh, men will literally blame anybody but themselves for their fuck ups

 

[Boundless]

smh, men will literally blame anybody but themselves for their fuck ups

i mean, he's too full of himself and forgot it's a battlefield: anything can happen. he was effortless when fighting the other three, and got distracted even once and got himself dead.

Yeah you're both lacking and overdoing it. You're lacking the actual tension and scene of the fight, and you're overdoing everything else.

Web novel-esque prose is already short, so for action it needs to be incredibly tight and evocative. There's a lot of unnecessary words that extend the action.

Your eyes are as much of the experience as your imagination. I subscribe to the idea that your eyes need to feel the action as well. Id the fight is lingering, make the text and descriptions extend as well. If there's a swift cut, make it a single line. It's about the immersion.

in short, are you implying that I need to shorten sensory details? or keep the action concise? wouldn't it feel like the scene is moving too fast?

I am also planning for that approach but realized it would be too much of a bs if the enemy died that fast... i mean, he is winning but got a single fuck-up and it's all over...

 

[CountVanBadger]

To start off, here are my smaller gripes:
1. I hate stories where the author thinks every sentence deserves to be its own paragraph. Why do people do this? Do they think spacing out their sentences will trick people into thinking their book is longer than it is?

2. A lot of your sentences are redundant. "He charged toward Reika with no intent of stopping." Yeah, it'd be kinda weird if he did decide to stop. "He charged toward Reika, but then at the last second he dug his heels in and skidded to a stop less than a foot away. 'Actually, hold on,' he said. 'I'm gonna take a mulligan on this one.'" None of your readers are going to expect him to stop, so saying that he had no intention of stopping is just adding unnecessary words to your sentence.

3. "!" Don't do this. Never do this.

And now the main one: you need more descriptions of what's going on instead of He did this and then he did that. There's a reason why "show don't tell" is still considered the most important lesson for a new writer to learn.

For example...

"Playtime’s over, kid!"

Without hesitation, he charged toward Reika with no intent of stopping. His adrenaline was at its peak.

"Hyaaaaah!"

All this time, Agnar had forgotten one crucial thing that would change his life forever.

In Alguis's eyes, Reika’s timely intervention had created a rare—perhaps even final—opportunity to take Agnar down.

I will strike while the iron's hot!

Now that Agnar's attention was entirely on Reika, Alguis made a bold attempt to sneak past his senses. He even held his breath and carefully took each step as silently as he could.

By the time he managed to close the distance between them, Alguis shifted his grip and used the hammerhead to unleash a devastating blow upon Agnar. He poured every last ounce of strength into that strike.

"!"

Agnar noticed Alguis's arrival, but it was too late. His attempt to raise his blade was rendered useless, as the opening was too wide to even block Alguis' attack. The force chipped the edge of the greatsword into pieces.

CLANG!

The moment the hammerhead connected with Agnar’s head, a painful shockwave tore through his body. He was sent crashing into the ground, rolling multiple times before coming to a stop.

Would be far more engaging if it was something like...

Agnar lowered himself into a combat stance, eyes gleaming in anticipation of the imminent battle. It hadn't even begun, but the adrenaline coursing through his veins was so thick that it made the air around him distort from the heat.

"Playtime's over, kid!" he growled, and flexed his powerful legs, launching himself toward Reika. A savage cry tore from his throat--but in his rage, he had completely forgotten about Alguis.

Recognizing the opportunity that Reika had given him, and knowing that there wouldn't be another, Alguis had deftly positioned himself behind the two fighters. Then, trusting that Agnar's anger would be enough to mask him from the brute's senses, he raised the hammerhead and made his move.

He would have only one chance at this. It needed to count. Reaching deep inside himself, he poured every ounce of strength he could muster into this one, single attack.

Agnar reached Reika, and to his credit, even with his anger burning hot, he sensed that something was off. Turning the slightest amount, his eyes widened when he saw Alguis appear behind him from the corner of his eye. His body reacted instinctively, raising his own blade in a feeble attempt to deflect hammerhead as it roared toward him.

Axe met sword--and the axe won.

Time seemed to stop as tiny shards of steel were sent hurtling through the air in every direction. Agnar stared in disbelief at his fist, and the bladeless pommel it clutched, so stunned that he barely even felt the metal fragments burying themselves in his face--but he did feel the moment when the axe connected with his face.

With a cry of anguish, Agnar's feet left the ground. Like a bag of flour fired from a catapult, his limp form flipped and spun through the air for almost fifteen feet before he finally hit the ground, carving a groove into the soft earth before finally coming to a rest.

 

[Boundless]

To start off, here are my smaller gripes:
1. I hate stories where the author thinks every sentence deserves to be its own paragraph. Why do people do this? Do they think spacing out their sentences will trick people into thinking their book is longer than it is?

2. A lot of your sentences are redundant. "He charged toward Reika with no intent of stopping." Yeah, it'd be kinda weird if he did decide to stop. "He charged toward Reika, but then at the last second he dug his heels in and skidded to a stop less than a foot away. 'Actually, hold on,' he said. 'I'm gonna take a mulligan on this one.'" None of your readers are going to expect him to stop, so saying that he had no intention of stopping is just adding unnecessary words to your sentence.

3. "!" Don't do this. Never do this.

And now the main one: you need more descriptions of what's going on instead of He did this and then he did that. There's a reason why "show don't tell" is still considered the most important lesson for a new writer to learn.

For example...



Would be far more engaging if it was something like...

sorry, but I intend to write a Light Novel format, not western style novel. It seems like your narration style leans to that part, on which I humbly apologize if I didn't tell sooner. I am actively aware that "show not tell" is infinitely superior, but Light Novels are not written like that (from what i've known). I became a writer to write Light Novels, anyways.

p.s. the "!" bit is what I frequently see when I read some of LN's and I only copied that writing style.

thanks for the insights, though. i appreciate it!

 

[CountVanBadger]

"show not tell" is infinitely superior, but Light Novels are not written like that. I became a writer to write Light Novels, anyways.

I don't understand this mentality at all. You know that one is better than the other, but you're still consciously choosing the inferior option? What else do you take this mentality with? "Flour and eggs makes way better cake than mud and cat turds, but I became a baker because I wanted to make mudturd cakes."

 

[Wamba2K]

In my opinion, it feels flat. I have trouble keeping up with who's perspective the scene is supposed to be following, but that may be because its snipped out of a larger section. Beyond that: It feels unnecessarily explanatory. I think the sound effects are reductive (though that's a stylistic thing), and it could use more refined details. Lemme yap.

"Playtime’s over, kid!"

Without hesitation, he charged toward Reika with no intent of stopping. His adrenaline was at its peak.

^ The 'without hesitation' and 'no intent of stopping' are unnecessary and feel explanatory. Charging inherently implies speed and commitment. Also, the adrenaline line feels weird here. Are his adrenaline levels relevant in any way? Was he not invested in the fight before this moment and only now getting excited? Otherwise it feels redundant.

I suggest emphasizing positioning. As it is, I have no idea who's where and what's going on. If Reika is close, is she in danger of being attacked/killed? Should the reader be afraid for Reika in this moment? Instead of just saying Agnar isn't hesitating, or that he isn't intent on stopping, tell us what he's going to do and what is actually at stake. Maybe a line of Reika reacting would help as well. Is she confident in the face of this charge? Or is she drawing aggro in a sacrificial way?

"Hyaaaaah!"

All this time, Agnar had forgotten one crucial thing that would change his life forever.

^ I think the "hyaah" is a bit silly looking on the page. I think it would be better to describe it as a battle cry or a furious roar or something. But that's a stylistic choice that's entirely up to preference. Now the second line is just explanatory. It feels like a massive pause button in the middle of the scene. I think it would be better to move straight along to Alguis without this line.

In Alguis's eyes, Reika’s timely intervention had created a rare—perhaps even final—opportunity to take Agnar down.

I will strike while the iron's hot!

Now that Agnar's attention was entirely on Reika, Alguis made a bold attempt to sneak past his senses. He even held his breath and carefully took each step as silently as he could.

^ These three lines are saying the exact same thing in different ways. There's a lot of explaining happening, and at the same time, nothing is happening. Are Reika and Agnar fighting right now? Is Agnar still charging? Again, positioning. I don't know if Agnar is currently running a 200 yard dash to get to Reika or if they're just moving really slowly. Especially when the third line says that Alguis is taking 'careful and silent' steps. this generally implies slow sneakiness. If he's moving fast, I'd emphasize that instead.

By the time he managed to close the distance between them, Alquis shifted his grip and used the hammerhead to unleash a devastating blow upon Agnar. He poured every last ounce of strength into that strike.

"!"

Agnar noticed Alguis's arrival, but it was too late. His attempt to raise his blade was rendered useless, as the opening was too wide to even block Alguis' attack. The force chipped the edge of the greatsword into pieces.

^ Is he approaching from behind Agnar? From the side? Is he intervening before Agnar can reach Reika? There can't be any stakes if the reader doesn't understand the situation. Also, the 'poured every last ounce of his strength' line is generic.
The "!" is a stylistic thing, but I think it's unnecessary.

Now the Agnar paragraph is actually confusing. He 'attempts' to raise the blade, which implies that he isn't able to raise the blade. But the blade is shattered, meaning that he must've raised the blade. I think I know what you're going for, that he raised the sword to block but it was useless, but it feels overwritten. The same with the greatsword breaking. It's described as being 'chipped' but also breaks into pieces.

CLANG!

The moment the hammerhead connected with Agnar’s head, a painful shockwave tore through his body. He was sent crashing into the ground, rolling multiple times before coming to a stop.

"GHAAAK!!"

Agnar's body convulsed from the brutal impact. His head and ears throbbed from the intense concussion. Blood streamed ceaselessly from his wound.

"Koff! Khakk! Khak!"

Even though his senses could barely keep up, Agnar managed to hear the sound of footsteps heading in his direction. Through his blurred vision, he saw a figure ahead.

That figure was Alguis Fellad.

^ The shockwave bit feels weird. Why would the shockwave go through his body? Is it a magic thing? I would remove that line and go straight to the resolution of the blow that sends him flying, or rolling.

The klang, ghaak, and koffs would look better described in prose. The klang is already described in the previous paragraphs as a 'devastating blow' that shatters a greatsword, double down on that instead of relying on comic sound effects.

I don't think you need to say Agnar had a concussion. You can just describe the effects of it and most readers will able to connect the dots between hammer hits head and bodily failure.

"This is the end, Agnar!"

Agnar's eyes trembled upon hearing Alguis's muffled cry. He tried to move, to force himself upright, but his body refused to obey.

"No, no, no, no! I won't let it end like this..!"

He couldn't even hear his own voice, yet his pleas rang out across the entire battlefield.

Alguis raised his hammer-axe into the air. He shifted his grip to bring the blade forward, aiming it at Agnar’s neck.

"I know this is too much… but I can't forgive you for the innocent lives lost at your hands!"

With a decisive swing, the axe carved through flesh and bone.

SPLAT!!

Agnar’s head hit the ground with a dull thud and rolled across the dusty earth.

Everyone stood frozen, staring at the lifeless head before them. Agnar, one of the strongest swordsmen on the continent, had fallen at the hands of the former Dwarven King, Alguis Fellad.

^ The dialogue is a bit generic. Especially Alguis's last line. Why is he saying 'it's too much?' Is he against killing? Does he feel sorry for Agnar? Also splat is a weird word to use for decapitation.


Ultimately, it's hard to tell how high stakes a scene is without the greater context of the story. This could be the greatest climax ever and I wouldn't know because I don't know who any of these characters are.

I'm gonna try to do a revised version though, because I've written this much. Take it with a grain of salt, obviously. I understand you're trying to do the LN thing, I'll try to keep it on that simple line level structure.

Revised, I guess:

"Playtime's over, kid!"
Agnar rushed at Reika, leveling his sword to cleave her apart.
Reika stood frozen, her eyes wide.
But in the same moment, Alguis saw his opportunity.
I will strike while the iron's hot!
In three silent steps, Alguis moved into Agnar's blind spot. He planted a foot and twisted his body, putting all of his weight into an upward swing towards Agnar's head.
Agnar didn't see the hammerhead until the last moment. He turned, throwing up the sword.
The blade shattered on impact, doing nothing to slow the attack.
The hammerhead connected with a sickening crunch.
Agnar slammed to the ground and rolled, the world a blur around him. Blood splattered across the ground.
"This is the end, Agnar!"
Agnar couldn't process his surroundings. His head throbbed and his body felt weightless beneath him as he struggled to rise.
Footsteps approached, and he could just make out the figure ahead.
Alguis Fellad.
"No, no, no, no! I won't let it end like this!" Agnar couldn't hear his own desperate screams.
Alguis raised the hammer-axe, shifting his grip to bring the blade down at Agnar's neck.
"I know this is too much... but I can't forgive you for the innocent lives lost at your hands."
With a decisive swing, the axe carved through flesh and bone.
Agnar’s head hit the ground with a dull thud and rolled across the dusty earth.
Everyone stood frozen, staring at the lifeless head before them. Agnar, one of the strongest swordsmen on the continent, had fallen at the hands of the former Dwarven King, Alguis Fellad.

Thanks for coming to my yap session.

 

[Boundless]

I don't understand this mentality at all. You know that one is better than the other, but you're still consciously choosing the inferior option? What else do you take this mentality with? "Flour and eggs makes way better cake than mud and cat turds, but I became a baker because I wanted to make mudturd cakes."

so should I abandon writing my story in a Light Novel narrative approach simply because it is ugly? I am joining a Light Novel industry, not western novel writing. what's wrong with pursuing writing stories in a Light Novel fashion anyways? is it forbidden of some sort? would that make me less of a writer?

In my opinion, it feels flat. I have trouble keeping up with who's perspective the scene is supposed to be following, but that may be because its snipped out of a larger section. Beyond that: It feels unnecessarily explanatory. I think the sound effects are reductive (though that's a stylistic thing), and it could use more refined details. Lemme yap.




^ The 'without hesitation' and 'no intent of stopping' are unnecessary and feel explanatory. Charging inherently implies speed and commitment. Also, the adrenaline line feels weird here. Are his adrenaline levels relevant in any way? Was he not invested in the fight before this moment and only now getting excited? Otherwise it feels redundant.

I suggest emphasizing positioning. As it is, I have no idea who's where and what's going on. If Reika is close, is she in danger of being attacked/killed? Should the reader be afraid for Reika in this moment? Instead of just saying Agnar isn't hesitating, or that he isn't intent on stopping, tell us what he's going to do and what is actually at stake. Maybe a line of Reika reacting would help as well. Is she confident in the face of this charge? Or is she drawing aggro in a sacrificial way?




^ I think the "hyaah" is a bit silly looking on the page. I think it would be better to describe it as a battle cry or a furious roar or something. But that's a stylistic choice that's entirely up to preference. Now the second line is just explanatory. It feels like a massive pause button in the middle of the scene. I think it would be better to move straight along to Alguis without this line.




^ These three lines are saying the exact same thing in different ways. There's a lot of explaining happening, and at the same time, nothing is happening. Are Reika and Agnar fighting right now? Is Agnar still charging? Again, positioning. I don't know if Agnar is currently running a 200 yard dash to get to Reika or if they're just moving really slowly. Especially when the third line says that Alguis is taking 'careful and silent' steps. this generally implies slow sneakiness. If he's moving fast, I'd emphasize that instead.




^ Is he approaching from behind Agnar? From the side? Is he intervening before Agnar can reach Reika? There can't be any stakes if the reader doesn't understand the situation. Also, the 'poured every last ounce of his strength' line is generic.
The "!" is a stylistic thing, but I think it's unnecessary.

Now the Agnar paragraph is actually confusing. He 'attempts' to raise the blade, which implies that he isn't able to raise the blade. But the blade is shattered, meaning that he must've raised the blade. I think I know what you're going for, that he raised the sword to block but it was useless, but it feels overwritten. The same with the greatsword breaking. It's described as being 'chipped' but also breaks into pieces.



^ The shockwave bit feels weird. Why would the shockwave go through his body? Is it a magic thing? I would remove that line and go straight to the resolution of the blow that sends him flying, or rolling.

The klang, ghaak, and koffs would look better described in prose. The klang is already described in the previous paragraphs as a 'devastating blow' that shatters a greatsword, double down on that instead of relying on comic sound effects.

I don't think you need to say Agnar had a concussion. You can just describe the effects of it and most readers will able to connect the dots between hammer hits head and bodily failure.



^ The dialogue is a bit generic. Especially Alguis's last line. Why is he saying 'it's too much?' Is he against killing? Does he feel sorry for Agnar? Also splat is a weird word to use for decapitation.


Ultimately, it's hard to tell how high stakes a scene is without the greater context of the story. This could be the greatest climax ever and I wouldn't know because I don't know who any of these characters are.

I'm gonna try to do a revised version though, because I've written this much. Take it with a grain of salt, obviously. I understand you're trying to do the LN thing, I'll try to keep it on that simple line level structure.

Revised, I guess:



Thanks for coming to my yap session.

thanks for the insights! i've seen some minor mistakes on my part, but there are other lines that I will not change due to the context of the entire fight. I will change it right away!

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

I don't feel there are really any stakes here at all... Dude snuck up behind him and wacked him on the head, then finished him off.

There is no sense of tension, but as you mentioned, that could be because this is just the climax of the fight.

I tossed one of my battles I wrote in the spoiler. It was the conclusion of 2 chapters of fighting.

Spoiler: DEN 44 End battle

Dungeon - Third Floor

"PUSH FORWARD!"

"TAKE OUT THAT MAGE!"

"ARGH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!"

The shouts of the attackers echoed down the tunnel, arrows ricocheting off the rock wall or glancing off Terra's shield.

They spent the last hour and a bit making blocks with his Dig skill, and stacking them two deep on either side of the tunnel, narrowing the passage. John made the holes along the floor in a checkerboard pattern, making the footing near the gap treacherous for anyone trying to force their way through.

He had a few other plans in mind, but ran out of time, the arrival of the attackers forcing them to fall back behind the barrier. They sent Quackers to the rear incase any started circling around, but so far it appeared to be a full frontal assault.

"Firebolt!" John called, tossing a ball of fire through the gap. He dived back behind the wall before he could see the results, but the screaming of a man told him he landed his shot.

Iris stood back further, bow drawn. "Terra, shift!" She called, loosing her shot a moment later. Terra moved to the side, narrowly avoiding the glowing arrows as Iris activated a multi-shot ability, the shots flying into the mass of bodies on the other side of the wall. Terra moved back in place, thrusting her spear forward, stabbing another Merc.

They were spoiled for choice for targets to hit, which didn't bode well for the exhausted party. The fighting continued, but Evie had to stop, her mana reserves tapped out. Iris had to pick and choose her targets, her arrows quickly diminishing, even when using skills to augment them.

That left only Terra and Shallia guarding the gap, Terra's plate mail degrading in real time, the punishing blows she received starting to break her armour. Shallia was limited in what she could do, thrusting her staff in the gaps Terra created, but was unable to unleash any of her abilities due to the limited range she had behind the barricade.

John watched the two work in tandem from the other side of the barricade, healing them as required. He didn't dare waste anymore mana on Firebolts. He could see Terra was lagging, her movements growing slower as her exhaustion was setting in. He drew his sword then, ready to relieve Terra for a break. He thought he could hold for a few minutes... even a few moments so she could get a breath.

He looked over her shoulder at the press of bodies, nearly a dozen people remaining standing on that side of the wall. The injured and dead were either dragged back or pushed to the sides. The remaining people were trying to push her out of the gap, but the uneven footing was preventing them from gaining enough traction to do so effectively. It gave him an idea.

"Dig" He called out, aiming for the area above the center of their line. The heavy block dropped from ten feet up, landing on top of the man in front of Terra, crushing his skull and giving her a moment of respite.

"You good Terra?" He asked, ducking behind the wall again.

"Never better. Thanks- ARGH!" She screamed out, an axe connecting with the gap in her pauldron, shearing the shoulder armour off and biting into her neck.

"SHALLIA, FILL THE GAP!" He called out, grabbing onto Terra and dragging her back. "Iris, support her! I'll get her back up."

He leaned over the injured bearfolk, thrusting his hand on her injured shoulder "Middle Heal!" he called out. His magic enveloped her, closing her wound slowly. "I got you Terra, you will be okay."

"Quackers sic him!"

"Nya! You can't hit me."

"HISS."

The din of battle continued around him as he pushed his magic deeper into Terra, trying to heal her body. After a few moments, her hand grasped his causing him to pause. He looked at her eyes, the silver streaked greys boring into his. She grabbed his chest piece by the collar then, pulling him in for a kiss, a fast, hard kiss full of passion.

"Thank you John-Sama. Let me up, I need to protect you now." She said, standing up and hefting her shield with her left arm. She bashed her shield with her spear, activating her taunting ability. "I'M NOT DEAD YET! COME AT ME YOU COWARDS!" She shouted, charging back into the gap where the enemies were trying to push through.

John froze for a moment, then stood up as well. He shoved whatever just happened to the side and surveyed the battle.

Shallia had injuries now, openly bleeding on her arms, but they seemed superficial. Quackers had the neck of one of the attackers in its maw, injecting venom into the mans body, causing him to scream and release his weapon, with Iris stabbing him for good measure. Evie was passed out, mana exhaustion taking her out of the fight. Terra, despite her bravado, was taking damage again, her armour failing her in more spots, the number of wounds growing on her limbs, her breastplate the only thing remaining intact.

"Heal! Heal! Heal!" He kept casting his lighter, cheaper spell, conserving his mana incase he needed to use the stronger spell on a more devastating wound. "Dig" He dropped another brick, this time only giving the enemy a glancing blow.

He waded forward then, stabbing with his sword in his left hand overtop of Terra's head, the blade deflecting off the merc's helmet.

He kept stabbing, backing her up, but it was clear they were about to be overwhelmed, many of the attackers who were injured, rejoining the battle now that they had time to rest and treat their wounds.

Did he have to return to DEN now? He wouldn't be leaving them to their fate, but he could grow stronger in other worlds, then return, kicking ass.

He growled at that, for some reason it sounded distasteful to him. He would protect his new family to the best of his ability. He swore it.

"Dig" Another block, this time it hit, stopping the man in his tracks.

"AHHH-!" Terra screamed, taking a crossbow bolt in the gut.

"Shallia, Iris, cover us!" He said, thrusting one last time. No answer. He risked a glance to his side, and Iris was staunching a wound on Shallia's temple, the catfolk unconscious.

"NO!" He shouted. He grabbed Terras body with his right arm and yanked her back. He felt something start to pop, but he let go, letting her fall roughly to the ground. She would forgive him, but if his shoulder dislocated now, it was over.

"Fuck you!" He yelled, thrusting his sword into the gut of the man stepping through the gap. The mithril blade cutting through the leather easily, spilling his intestines across the floor. The next man was right behind him, and was about to catch John with his guard down when a wall of feathers got between them.

"ARGH! A Damn Cobragoose!"

"HISS"

The goose jumped forward, snapping at the mans limbs, causing him to step back. It gave John enough time to stand up, and toss a heal spell on Shallia.

"Dig" Nothing

Did 30 seconds not pass yet?

He spared Terra a glance but Quackers only had a leather pad on his torso, he wouldn't last long up front against these men. Not that John would either, but at least he had proper armour. "Hold on Terra." He said, moving up beside the goose again.

The din in the hallway was increasing, men were screaming and he had nothing to do with it. John looked out past the gap and in front of him were armoured knights, pushing down the tunnel, killing or knocking out the surviving mercenaries.

Amongst them he spied a pair of blue bunny ears.

 

[Boundless]

I don't feel there are really any stakes here at all... Dude snuck up behind him and wacked him on the head, then finished him off.

There is no sense of tension, but as you mentioned, that could be because this is just the climax of the fight.

I tossed one of my battles I wrote in the spoiler. It was the conclusion of 2 chapters of fighting.

Spoiler: DEN 44 End battle

Dungeon - Third Floor

"PUSH FORWARD!"

"TAKE OUT THAT MAGE!"

"ARGH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!"

The shouts of the attackers echoed down the tunnel, arrows ricocheting off the rock wall or glancing off Terra's shield.

They spent the last hour and a bit making blocks with his Dig skill, and stacking them two deep on either side of the tunnel, narrowing the passage. John made the holes along the floor in a checkerboard pattern, making the footing near the gap treacherous for anyone trying to force their way through.

He had a few other plans in mind, but ran out of time, the arrival of the attackers forcing them to fall back behind the barrier. They sent Quackers to the rear incase any started circling around, but so far it appeared to be a full frontal assault.

"Firebolt!" John called, tossing a ball of fire through the gap. He dived back behind the wall before he could see the results, but the screaming of a man told him he landed his shot.

Iris stood back further, bow drawn. "Terra, shift!" She called, loosing her shot a moment later. Terra moved to the side, narrowly avoiding the glowing arrows as Iris activated a multi-shot ability, the shots flying into the mass of bodies on the other side of the wall. Terra moved back in place, thrusting her spear forward, stabbing another Merc.

They were spoiled for choice for targets to hit, which didn't bode well for the exhausted party. The fighting continued, but Evie had to stop, her mana reserves tapped out. Iris had to pick and choose her targets, her arrows quickly diminishing, even when using skills to augment them.

That left only Terra and Shallia guarding the gap, Terra's plate mail degrading in real time, the punishing blows she received starting to break her armour. Shallia was limited in what she could do, thrusting her staff in the gaps Terra created, but was unable to unleash any of her abilities due to the limited range she had behind the barricade.

John watched the two work in tandem from the other side of the barricade, healing them as required. He didn't dare waste anymore mana on Firebolts. He could see Terra was lagging, her movements growing slower as her exhaustion was setting in. He drew his sword then, ready to relieve Terra for a break. He thought he could hold for a few minutes... even a few moments so she could get a breath.

He looked over her shoulder at the press of bodies, nearly a dozen people remaining standing on that side of the wall. The injured and dead were either dragged back or pushed to the sides. The remaining people were trying to push her out of the gap, but the uneven footing was preventing them from gaining enough traction to do so effectively. It gave him an idea.

"Dig" He called out, aiming for the area above the center of their line. The heavy block dropped from ten feet up, landing on top of the man in front of Terra, crushing his skull and giving her a moment of respite.

"You good Terra?" He asked, ducking behind the wall again.

"Never better. Thanks- ARGH!" She screamed out, an axe connecting with the gap in her pauldron, shearing the shoulder armour off and biting into her neck.

"SHALLIA, FILL THE GAP!" He called out, grabbing onto Terra and dragging her back. "Iris, support her! I'll get her back up."

He leaned over the injured bearfolk, thrusting his hand on her injured shoulder "Middle Heal!" he called out. His magic enveloped her, closing her wound slowly. "I got you Terra, you will be okay."

"Quackers sic him!"

"Nya! You can't hit me."

"HISS."

The din of battle continued around him as he pushed his magic deeper into Terra, trying to heal her body. After a few moments, her hand grasped his causing him to pause. He looked at her eyes, the silver streaked greys boring into his. She grabbed his chest piece by the collar then, pulling him in for a kiss, a fast, hard kiss full of passion.

"Thank you John-Sama. Let me up, I need to protect you now." She said, standing up and hefting her shield with her left arm. She bashed her shield with her spear, activating her taunting ability. "I'M NOT DEAD YET! COME AT ME YOU COWARDS!" She shouted, charging back into the gap where the enemies were trying to push through.

John froze for a moment, then stood up as well. He shoved whatever just happened to the side and surveyed the battle.

Shallia had injuries now, openly bleeding on her arms, but they seemed superficial. Quackers had the neck of one of the attackers in its maw, injecting venom into the mans body, causing him to scream and release his weapon, with Iris stabbing him for good measure. Evie was passed out, mana exhaustion taking her out of the fight. Terra, despite her bravado, was taking damage again, her armour failing her in more spots, the number of wounds growing on her limbs, her breastplate the only thing remaining intact.

"Heal! Heal! Heal!" He kept casting his lighter, cheaper spell, conserving his mana incase he needed to use the stronger spell on a more devastating wound. "Dig" He dropped another brick, this time only giving the enemy a glancing blow.

He waded forward then, stabbing with his sword in his left hand overtop of Terra's head, the blade deflecting off the merc's helmet.

He kept stabbing, backing her up, but it was clear they were about to be overwhelmed, many of the attackers who were injured, rejoining the battle now that they had time to rest and treat their wounds.

Did he have to return to DEN now? He wouldn't be leaving them to their fate, but he could grow stronger in other worlds, then return, kicking ass.

He growled at that, for some reason it sounded distasteful to him. He would protect his new family to the best of his ability. He swore it.

"Dig" Another block, this time it hit, stopping the man in his tracks.

"AHHH-!" Terra screamed, taking a crossbow bolt in the gut.

"Shallia, Iris, cover us!" He said, thrusting one last time. No answer. He risked a glance to his side, and Iris was staunching a wound on Shallia's temple, the catfolk unconscious.

"NO!" He shouted. He grabbed Terras body with his right arm and yanked her back. He felt something start to pop, but he let go, letting her fall roughly to the ground. She would forgive him, but if his shoulder dislocated now, it was over.

"Fuck you!" He yelled, thrusting his sword into the gut of the man stepping through the gap. The mithril blade cutting through the leather easily, spilling his intestines across the floor. The next man was right behind him, and was about to catch John with his guard down when a wall of feathers got between them.

"ARGH! A Damn Cobragoose!"

"HISS"

The goose jumped forward, snapping at the mans limbs, causing him to step back. It gave John enough time to stand up, and toss a heal spell on Shallia.

"Dig" Nothing

Did 30 seconds not pass yet?

He spared Terra a glance but Quackers only had a leather pad on his torso, he wouldn't last long up front against these men. Not that John would either, but at least he had proper armour. "Hold on Terra." He said, moving up beside the goose again.

The din in the hallway was increasing, men were screaming and he had nothing to do with it. John looked out past the gap and in front of him were armoured knights, pushing down the tunnel, killing or knocking out the surviving mercenaries.

Amongst them he spied a pair of blue bunny ears.

yup. actually, the narrative jump only started after 1 hour of them fighting, and i also exclude that tiny bit and only posted the climax part of the fight. so all their banters, mocking, ect. are not included. maybe I shouldn't use high-stakes term cuz it's kinda clickbait, and now it really lacks context HAHAHA

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

yup. actually, the narrative jump only started after 1 hour of them fighting, and i also exclude that tiny bit and only posted the climax part of the fight. so all their banters, mocking, ect. are not included. maybe I shouldn't use high-stakes term cuz it's kinda clickbait, and now it really lacks context HAHAHA

Hahaha

Yeah, from my perspective, I thought it was some teenage squire or something sneaking up on the dude with a hammer and clobbering him with it. At least until you said it was the dwarf king.

 

[CountVanBadger]

so should I abandon writing my story in a Light Novel narrative approach simply because it is ugly? I am joining a Light Novel industry, not western novel writing. what's wrong with pursuing writing stories in a Light Novel fashion anyways? is it forbidden of some sort? would that make me less of a writer?

You're the one who said that light novels are worse than western novels. If you really want to write something you have such a negative opinion about, then that's your decision. I just don't understand why you would willingly dedicate so much time and effort into a genre that you don't even respect when the solution is to simply...not do that and write something better. That'd be like if I said "Vampire romance sucks and has no redeeming qualities! So anyway, what do you guys think of my vampire romance novel?"

 

[Wamba2K]

thanks for the insights! i've seen some minor mistakes on my part, but there are other lines that I will not change due to the context of the entire fight. I will change it right away!

Out of curiosity, what is the context of the entire fight?

 

[TheIcMan]

in short, are you implying that I need to shorten sensory details? or keep the action concise? wouldn't it feel like the scene is moving too fast?

I am also planning for that approach but realized it would be too much of a bs if the enemy died that fast... i mean, he is winning but got a single fuck-up and it's all over...

Yes. The speed at which you read needs to follow the action and pace of the fight.

Even though his senses could barely keep up, Agnar managed to hear the sound of footsteps heading in his direction. Through his blurred vision, he saw a figure ahead.

That figure was Alguis Fellad.

"This is the end, Agnar!"

Agnar's eyes trembled upon hearing Alguis's muffled cry. He tried to move, to force himself upright, but his body refused to obey.

"No, no, no, no! I won't let it end like this..!"

^ This is supposed to be the buildup to the climax, but it reads terribly slowly.

There's an attempt at drama with "through his blurred vision, he saw a figure ahead", but it just reads corny.

What I see is you, the author, going "ahh yeah, sick set up", when I should be going "ALGUIS GA KITAAAAAAA" iykwim