I'd really really appreciate a review(Chapter 1)

Playerkartik

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Name - Shattered Skies: The Beginnings
Chapter name: The Shatter

In this world where shards contain the memories of the past, they also awaken the innate powers of people. This is the story of Kian, an orphan boy who lived in a small village in the countryside surrounded by lush green farm fields and a small but dangerous forest right beside.





Kian is a little boy of about 10 years with a combination of messy black hair, purple eyes and fair skin. He was of the ‘Never Giving Up’ attitude, no matter how many times he fell – he got up. He was respectable to everyone, especially to the ‘elder of orphanage’, the one who raised him to what he was now. There was also one person whom he greatly admired, ‘Captain Gerald’ the squad leader who was assigned with his squad for the security of this small village.





It was evening, near sunset Kian was out playing with his friends. Well he was not really playing, he was standing beside the Squad Training Ground and watching Captain Gerald train with the other squad members. Gerald was the person Kian was looking at, with a ‘wow’ look on his face. Gerald’s sword was wrapped in flames – a red orange flame brighter than anyone on the training ground.





Kian watched Captain Gerald train till the sunset. Once everyone had left and Captain Gerald was alone, Kian ran straight towards him.





“C…Captain Gerald, how do I become strong…How do I summon flames like you?





Gerald stood straight with his sword in the ground and both his hands on its hilt looking directly into Kian’s eyes.


“Every ten years shards fall from the sky. Those shards awaken your powers. When you get one you will become strong too.”





Kian’s eyes widened. “Shards…?”


Gerald chuckled. “After all…ten years are almost over. Your chance might come earlier than you think.”


Kian’s eyes sparkled with excitement and he ran back to the orphanage.





It was night when the elder came to tuck Kian in his bed. Kian, still excited, asked the elder.


“Elder…What are shards? Why do they fall from the sky?”


The elder looked at Kian with a gentle smile and put his hand on Kian's head.


“Curious as ever aren’t you…Shards are like pieces of glass that fall from the sky. They awaken the powers within you and also contain memories of a person who existed in the past. If your will is strong, they can grant you power and even knowledge from the past. You must also be strong enough to control them…else they may corrupt you.”


Elder then walked out of the room saying, “Good Night.”


Kian, still thinking about the shards, closes his eyes and falls asleep.


“S..shards….”





In the cold morning climate, I could feel the cold gentle wind from the window over my face and the warmth of my blanket over my body. I could hear my friends’ voices calling me to play. I opened my eyes, everything looked hazy and I walked down still yawning and rubbing my eyes. As I walked out of the orphanage I could feel the warm sunlight falling on me.


Then I looked up.


The sky was clear blue with numerous clouds. But the second I blinked, everything changed. The clouds were no longer soft and white, they looked like pieces of glass. The entire sky was shining with light leaking through the clouds.


Suddenly it started raining, but the raindrops were not normal. They were pieces of glass shaped like a raindrop. Most of the pieces were small like raindrops but very few were larger, almost like broken glass.





The sun rose with pieces of glass falling from the sky that were twinkling like stars and a beautiful rainbow formed right above the village.





The droplets fell on me, but they didn’t hurt. They weren’t hard like glass but instead they shattered into even smaller particles as they touched me and vanished into the air.





Just then -


*Zzzoookkk*


Something fell right in front of me. It was a piece of glass as tall as me. I could see through it but with a faint reflection of myself inside it.


Just as I looked into it, my reflection began to burn.


The world around me began to blur, it was as if I was zooming into the piece of glass. Everything had turned pitch black. I couldn’t see anything, there was nothing to see. I was not standing on any surface nor was I floating around in silence.


Suddenly, flames surrounded me. They wrapped around my arm. I was shocked, but more terrified. The flames wrapping around my arm didn’t burn my skin but I could feel their heat on my skin.





Then -


*CRRAAACKKK*


As I looked, the endless pitch black scenery started getting cracks as if it was breaking into pieces like glass. With each crack a piece fell on the ground and turned into small particles like dust. The dust started circling around me.


They’re surrounding me…why?


As each piece fell I could see the real world through it and so did the dust circling around me increase.


I tried touching it. It started gathering on the right side of my neck. I could feel the particles gathering on my neck.


The scenery shattering…the dust gathering on my neck, my heart suddenly started beating faster.


What is happening…M-my body…It feels warmer. My vision feels blurry.





The darkness slowly disappeared and I was in the village.


I…I can’t…Stay awake…





I had no strength left and collapsed on the ground.

In this world, memories are more than just echoes of the past. They can become weapons, ignite flames, and grant strength beyond human limits.

And in this world lives a boy named Kian, a child with messy black hair, deep purple eyes that shimmer with curiosity, and fair skin that made his smile all the brighter. He grew up in the village orphanage, known for his stubborn spirit. No matter how many times he fell, he always stood back up. His friends laughed at him for never giving up, but that was what made him different.



That afternoon, he was playing with the other children, though his eyes kept drifting toward the guards training nearby. Their swords were dazzling—some burned with fire, some flowed with water, and a few glowed like stars.

The one that amazed him most was the captain leading the guards—a towering man with a muscular build, sharp ember-like eyes, a faint scar across his cheek, and a kind smile that carried both strength and warmth. His sword blazed with a red flame, brighter and larger than the others. To Kian, this man, Captain Gerald, was simply the strongest in the world.

Unable to hold back, Kian ran up to him.

“Captain Gerald… how do I become strong like you? How do I get those magical powers?”



Gerald rested his sword on his shoulder, smiling at the boy’s determination.

“Every ten years, shards fall from the sky. Those shards hold power. Claim one, and it can make you stronger.”

Kian’s eyes widened. “Shards…?”

Gerald chuckled. “After all… ten years are almost over. Your chance will come sooner than you think.”



That night, curiosity gnawed at him. Back at the orphanage, he tugged at the elder’s sleeve.

“What are shards? Why do they fall from the sky?”

The elder’s eyes softened, a gentle smile forming.

“Ah, curious as ever. Shards are fragments of memory and power, boy. They awaken what lies inside you. If your will is strong, they can grant knowledge or great strength. But they also carry echoes of the past—memories you must endure.”



Kian frowned, trying to picture the sky breaking apart.

“Fragments of memory… could they really hold pieces of the past?”

That night, Kian’s thoughts swirled with the elder’s words. If I could claim one… would I become strong like Captain Gerald…? The question echoed in his mind until sleep finally pulled him under.



Morning came.

I blinked my eyes open, the world still hazy from sleep. My friends’ voices drifted in from outside, calling me to play. Rubbing my eyes, I pushed myself up and shuffled toward the door.

The moment I stepped outside, the brightness hit me—warm sunlight flooding my vision after the darkness of sleep. I squinted, blinking against the light, until the world slowly came into focus.

Then I looked up.

The sky was a clear blue, scattered with soft clouds. But in the blink of an eye, those clouds changed. They no longer looked soft and white—they looked as if they were made of countless pieces of glass, some small, some large, floating high above.

From them, rain began to fall. But it wasn’t ordinary rain. Each drop was like a tiny shard of glass, glimmering as it fell. When they touched the ground, they shattered into smaller pieces, breaking apart until they faded into fine particles that disappeared into the air.

I stretched out my hand. The shards landed on my palm, breaking into smaller fragments before vanishing. They didn’t hurt. Instead, they felt strange, almost otherworldly—like holding

something fragile and divine.




Curious, I stepped forward, watching the glass-like raindrops break against the ground in dazzling bursts of color. Then, less than a meter ahead, a large piece of glass fell. It was as tall as me, see-through like glass, yet faintly showed my reflection. My own image shimmered inside it, blending with the world beyond.



My reflection inside the glass began to burn.


My vision pulled closer, as if the shard itself was drawing me in. Suddenly, I was no longer standing on the ground, nor floating in the air— I was just there, in a space that felt endless.



Flames surrounded me, rising higher and higher.
I could feel the heat pressing against my skin, yet it didn’t hurt. It was overwhelming, but strangely gentle, as if the fire itself was alive.

Then, cracks spread across the fiery space, glowing faintly. Is the world breaking…?

The scenery shattered. Tiny fragments scattered into the air, circling me like wings. Flames ran along their paths, glowing as they spun in the pitch-black void.



They’re surrounding me… why?


I tried to touch them. The fragments rushed toward me, gathering until a faint symbol formed on my skin. It glowed for a moment, then sank into me.



What is this mark…?


The blackness cracked too. Light pierced through, breaking apart the void. Each piece fell and shattered, until the village slowly came back into view.

My chest tightened. The warmth from the symbol spread through me, heavy and draining. My vision blurred, the world tilted. I… can’t… stay awake…



The strength left my body, and I collapsed.
 

Eldoria

Well-known member
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Dude... I don't understand why you wrote first POV and third POV in a chapter. What's your purpose in using 2 POVs in a chapter?

It's not that it's wrong, but using 2 POVs without a clear narrative purpose can actually backfire, breaking the reader's immersion.

If you want to build subtle tension and mystery, using a first POV or a limited third POV will be impactful because you can organize and filter the lore using the protagonist's perception.

I suggest you write this scene using a limited third POV rather than explaining the lore through an omniscient third POV at the beginning of the narrative.

Use your protagonist as the reader's lens to enter your world and uncover layers of mystery of the lore.
 
Last edited:

Playerkartik

Vegetarian - Hospital Owner - Judge
Joined
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Messages
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Dude... I don't understand why you wrote first POV and third POV in a chapter. What's your purpose in using 2 POVs in a chapter?

It's not that it's wrong, but using 2 POVs without a clear narrative purpose can actually backfire, breaking the reader's immersion.

If you want to build subtle tension and mystery, using a first POV or a limited third POV will be impactful because you can organize and filter the lore using the protagonist's perception.

I suggest you write this scene using a limited third POV rather than explaining the lore through an omniscient third POV at the beginning of the narrative.

Use your protagonist as the reader's lens to enter your world and uncover layers of mystery of the lore.
So the issue is only with POV, right?
For the old chapter I had got a review like MC is not really well explained So I added that description(Do I remove that?)
Then I have to change the POV from lines ( It was evening, near sunset ... - till the night scene where MC falls asleep)
Rest of the chapter is fine right?
 

Eldoria

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
1,573
Points
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So the issue is only with POV, right?
For the old chapter I had got a review like MC is not really well explained So I added that description(Do I remove that?)
Then I have to change the POV from lines ( It was evening, near sunset ... - till the night scene where MC falls asleep)
Rest of the chapter is fine right?
I actually have a lot of criticism... but I don't want to burden you with too much criticism. I want you to focus on solving the most crucial issues before moving on to other narrative improvement points.
 

Playerkartik

Vegetarian - Hospital Owner - Judge
Joined
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Messages
146
Points
93
I actually have a lot of criticism... but I don't want to burden you with too much criticism. I want you to focus on solving the most crucial issues before moving on to other narrative improvement points.
So for the time above changes?
and should I remove the description of Mc and all?
 

Eldoria

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2025
Messages
1,573
Points
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So for the time above changes?
and should I remove the description of Mc and all?
Try writing from a limited third POV first. If your narrative can provide a limited third POV through the protagonist, it will be more impactful.

It may seem simple, but writing a limited third POV requires precision. You need to write the narrative from the perspective of the protagonist's experience within his world... rather than being an omniscient narrator.
 

AliceMoonvale

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Messages
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Name - Shattered Skies: The Beginnings
Chapter name: The Shatter

In this world where shards contain the memories of the past, they also awaken the innate powers of people. This is the story of Kian, an orphan boy who lived in a small village in the countryside surrounded by lush green farm fields and a small but dangerous forest right beside.





Kian is a little boy of about 10 years with a combination of messy black hair, purple eyes and fair skin. He was of the ‘Never Giving Up’ attitude, no matter how many times he fell – he got up. He was respectable to everyone, especially to the ‘elder of orphanage’, the one who raised him to what he was now. There was also one person whom he greatly admired, ‘Captain Gerald’ the squad leader who was assigned with his squad for the security of this small village.





It was evening, near sunset Kian was out playing with his friends. Well he was not really playing, he was standing beside the Squad Training Ground and watching Captain Gerald train with the other squad members. Gerald was the person Kian was looking at, with a ‘wow’ look on his face. Gerald’s sword was wrapped in flames – a red orange flame brighter than anyone on the training ground.





Kian watched Captain Gerald train till the sunset. Once everyone had left and Captain Gerald was alone, Kian ran straight towards him.





“C…Captain Gerald, how do I become strong…How do I summon flames like you?





Gerald stood straight with his sword in the ground and both his hands on its hilt looking directly into Kian’s eyes.


“Every ten years shards fall from the sky. Those shards awaken your powers. When you get one you will become strong too.”





Kian’s eyes widened. “Shards…?”


Gerald chuckled. “After all…ten years are almost over. Your chance might come earlier than you think.”


Kian’s eyes sparkled with excitement and he ran back to the orphanage.





It was night when the elder came to tuck Kian in his bed. Kian, still excited, asked the elder.


“Elder…What are shards? Why do they fall from the sky?”


The elder looked at Kian with a gentle smile and put his hand on Kian's head.


“Curious as ever aren’t you…Shards are like pieces of glass that fall from the sky. They awaken the powers within you and also contain memories of a person who existed in the past. If your will is strong, they can grant you power and even knowledge from the past. You must also be strong enough to control them…else they may corrupt you.”


Elder then walked out of the room saying, “Good Night.”


Kian, still thinking about the shards, closes his eyes and falls asleep.


“S..shards….”





In the cold morning climate, I could feel the cold gentle wind from the window over my face and the warmth of my blanket over my body. I could hear my friends’ voices calling me to play. I opened my eyes, everything looked hazy and I walked down still yawning and rubbing my eyes. As I walked out of the orphanage I could feel the warm sunlight falling on me.


Then I looked up.


The sky was clear blue with numerous clouds. But the second I blinked, everything changed. The clouds were no longer soft and white, they looked like pieces of glass. The entire sky was shining with light leaking through the clouds.


Suddenly it started raining, but the raindrops were not normal. They were pieces of glass shaped like a raindrop. Most of the pieces were small like raindrops but very few were larger, almost like broken glass.





The sun rose with pieces of glass falling from the sky that were twinkling like stars and a beautiful rainbow formed right above the village.





The droplets fell on me, but they didn’t hurt. They weren’t hard like glass but instead they shattered into even smaller particles as they touched me and vanished into the air.





Just then -


*Zzzoookkk*


Something fell right in front of me. It was a piece of glass as tall as me. I could see through it but with a faint reflection of myself inside it.


Just as I looked into it, my reflection began to burn.


The world around me began to blur, it was as if I was zooming into the piece of glass. Everything had turned pitch black. I couldn’t see anything, there was nothing to see. I was not standing on any surface nor was I floating around in silence.


Suddenly, flames surrounded me. They wrapped around my arm. I was shocked, but more terrified. The flames wrapping around my arm didn’t burn my skin but I could feel their heat on my skin.





Then -


*CRRAAACKKK*


As I looked, the endless pitch black scenery started getting cracks as if it was breaking into pieces like glass. With each crack a piece fell on the ground and turned into small particles like dust. The dust started circling around me.


They’re surrounding me…why?


As each piece fell I could see the real world through it and so did the dust circling around me increase.


I tried touching it. It started gathering on the right side of my neck. I could feel the particles gathering on my neck.


The scenery shattering…the dust gathering on my neck, my heart suddenly started beating faster.


What is happening…M-my body…It feels warmer. My vision feels blurry.





The darkness slowly disappeared and I was in the village.


I…I can’t…Stay awake…





I had no strength left and collapsed on the ground.

In this world, memories are more than just echoes of the past. They can become weapons, ignite flames, and grant strength beyond human limits.

And in this world lives a boy named Kian, a child with messy black hair, deep purple eyes that shimmer with curiosity, and fair skin that made his smile all the brighter. He grew up in the village orphanage, known for his stubborn spirit. No matter how many times he fell, he always stood back up. His friends laughed at him for never giving up, but that was what made him different.



That afternoon, he was playing with the other children, though his eyes kept drifting toward the guards training nearby. Their swords were dazzling—some burned with fire, some flowed with water, and a few glowed like stars.

The one that amazed him most was the captain leading the guards—a towering man with a muscular build, sharp ember-like eyes, a faint scar across his cheek, and a kind smile that carried both strength and warmth. His sword blazed with a red flame, brighter and larger than the others. To Kian, this man, Captain Gerald, was simply the strongest in the world.

Unable to hold back, Kian ran up to him.

“Captain Gerald… how do I become strong like you? How do I get those magical powers?”



Gerald rested his sword on his shoulder, smiling at the boy’s determination.

“Every ten years, shards fall from the sky. Those shards hold power. Claim one, and it can make you stronger.”

Kian’s eyes widened. “Shards…?”

Gerald chuckled. “After all… ten years are almost over. Your chance will come sooner than you think.”



That night, curiosity gnawed at him. Back at the orphanage, he tugged at the elder’s sleeve.

“What are shards? Why do they fall from the sky?”

The elder’s eyes softened, a gentle smile forming.

“Ah, curious as ever. Shards are fragments of memory and power, boy. They awaken what lies inside you. If your will is strong, they can grant knowledge or great strength. But they also carry echoes of the past—memories you must endure.”



Kian frowned, trying to picture the sky breaking apart.

“Fragments of memory… could they really hold pieces of the past?”

That night, Kian’s thoughts swirled with the elder’s words. If I could claim one… would I become strong like Captain Gerald…? The question echoed in his mind until sleep finally pulled him under.



Morning came.

I blinked my eyes open, the world still hazy from sleep. My friends’ voices drifted in from outside, calling me to play. Rubbing my eyes, I pushed myself up and shuffled toward the door.

The moment I stepped outside, the brightness hit me—warm sunlight flooding my vision after the darkness of sleep. I squinted, blinking against the light, until the world slowly came into focus.

Then I looked up.

The sky was a clear blue, scattered with soft clouds. But in the blink of an eye, those clouds changed. They no longer looked soft and white—they looked as if they were made of countless pieces of glass, some small, some large, floating high above.

From them, rain began to fall. But it wasn’t ordinary rain. Each drop was like a tiny shard of glass, glimmering as it fell. When they touched the ground, they shattered into smaller pieces, breaking apart until they faded into fine particles that disappeared into the air.

I stretched out my hand. The shards landed on my palm, breaking into smaller fragments before vanishing. They didn’t hurt. Instead, they felt strange, almost otherworldly—like holding

something fragile and divine.




Curious, I stepped forward, watching the glass-like raindrops break against the ground in dazzling bursts of color. Then, less than a meter ahead, a large piece of glass fell. It was as tall as me, see-through like glass, yet faintly showed my reflection. My own image shimmered inside it, blending with the world beyond.



My reflection inside the glass began to burn.


My vision pulled closer, as if the shard itself was drawing me in. Suddenly, I was no longer standing on the ground, nor floating in the air— I was just there, in a space that felt endless.



Flames surrounded me, rising higher and higher.
I could feel the heat pressing against my skin, yet it didn’t hurt. It was overwhelming, but strangely gentle, as if the fire itself was alive.

Then, cracks spread across the fiery space, glowing faintly. Is the world breaking…?

The scenery shattered. Tiny fragments scattered into the air, circling me like wings. Flames ran along their paths, glowing as they spun in the pitch-black void.



They’re surrounding me… why?


I tried to touch them. The fragments rushed toward me, gathering until a faint symbol formed on my skin. It glowed for a moment, then sank into me.



What is this mark…?


The blackness cracked too. Light pierced through, breaking apart the void. Each piece fell and shattered, until the village slowly came back into view.

My chest tightened. The warmth from the symbol spread through me, heavy and draining. My vision blurred, the world tilted. I… can’t… stay awake…



The strength left my body, and I collapsed.
1. There's a lot of telling instead of showing here. Like, a lot.

“He was of the ‘Never Giving Up’ attitude…”

You could give some kind of example, like your character trying and failing something only to try again.

“I was shocked, but more terrified.”

Try showing physical reactions like maybe legs trembling, thoughts racing, eyes wide, breath catching, etc.


2. Dialogue is awkward.

“C…Captain Gerald, how do I become strong…How do I summon flames like you?”

Just a little too much dot action in one line of dialogue
Might be better like this:

"Captain Gerald... how do I get strong like you?"
"How can I summon flames like you?"


3. Perspective is inconsistent.


You start in third person: "Kian is a little boy"
then you have first person: “In the cold morning climate, I could feel…”


4. Lot of repeating/redundancy


“The droplets fell on me, but they didn’t hurt. They weren’t hard like glass but instead they shattered into even smaller particles as they touched me and vanished into the air.”

My version attempt: “The droplets hit me, and instead of cutting, they dissolved into particles.”


5. Dramatic sound effects sound weird


This isn't a manga, I think. It's giving 'i'm definitely an amateur' vibe.
It's fine to use these maybe once, but could easily insert descriptive writing as a replacement.
This is just my opinion, I find this type of writing to lazy like the overuse of em dashes.

Zzzoookkk
CRRAAACKKK


My version: A sharp crack split the darkness.

6. Lack of worldbuilding, honestly

Shards fall every 10 years, but does it happen everywhere?
Does the government control them? Is it rare, can it be dangerous? Can I eat them?

7. Prose in general needs work

I recommend reading up for more experience in how others write, might be helpful.

Misc recommendations:
Instead of describing Kian first, could open it with him watching Captain Gerald train. It'd be a bit more engaging/interesting.
Cliffhanger feels a bit weak, it's not a good enough hook in my opinion to make me want to read the next chapter. As an idea, could add something like someone calling his name, or maybe flames bursting out briefly before he blacks out. Something, anything.

On top of that, you got a lot of grammar mistakes and weird usage of capitalizing words that are in the middle of sentences, and aren't proper nouns. Unnecessary and inconsistent spacing as well between each line.

Try running your writing through a program like grammarly or editgpt to check for spelling errors.
I personally use editgpt, as an example.

1772459821979.png
 

Playerkartik

Vegetarian - Hospital Owner - Judge
Joined
Feb 8, 2026
Messages
146
Points
93
Try writing from a limited third POV first. If your narrative can provide a limited third POV through the protagonist, it will be more impactful.

It may seem simple, but writing a limited third POV requires precision. You need to write the narrative from the perspective of the protagonist's experience within his world... rather than being an omniscient narrator.
1. There's a lot of telling instead of showing here. Like, a lot.



You could give some kind of example, like your character trying and failing something only to try again.



Try showing physical reactions like maybe legs trembling, thoughts racing, eyes wide, breath catching, etc.


2. Dialogue is awkward.



Just a little too much dot action in one line of dialogue
Might be better like this:

"Captain Gerald... how do I get strong like you?"
"How can I summon flames like you?"


3. Perspective is inconsistent.


You start in third person: "Kian is a little boy"
then you have first person: “In the cold morning climate, I could feel…”


4. Lot of repeating/redundancy


“The droplets fell on me, but they didn’t hurt. They weren’t hard like glass but instead they shattered into even smaller particles as they touched me and vanished into the air.”

My version attempt: “The droplets hit me, and instead of cutting, they dissolved into particles.”


5. Dramatic sound effects sound weird


This isn't a manga, I think. It's giving 'i'm definitely an amateur' vibe.
It's fine to use these maybe once, but could easily insert descriptive writing as a replacement.
This is just my opinion, I find this type of writing to lazy like the overuse of em dashes.

Zzzoookkk
CRRAAACKKK


My version: A sharp crack split the darkness.

6. Lack of worldbuilding, honestly

Shards fall every 10 years, but does it happen everywhere?
Does the government control them? Is it rare, can it be dangerous? Can I eat them?

7. Prose in general needs work

I recommend reading up for more experience in how others write, might be helpful.

Misc recommendations:
Instead of describing Kian first, could open it with him watching Captain Gerald train. It'd be a bit more engaging/interesting.
Cliffhanger feels a bit weak, it's not a good enough hook in my opinion to make me want to read the next chapter. As an idea, could add something like someone calling his name, or maybe flames bursting out briefly before he blacks out. Something, anything.

On top of that, you got a lot of grammar mistakes and weird usage of capitalizing words that are in the middle of sentences, and aren't proper nouns. Unnecessary and inconsistent spacing as well between each line.

Try running your writing through a program like grammarly or editgpt to check for spelling errors.
I personally use editgpt, as an example.

View attachment 47050
Thank you for your feedbacks. I will make the necessary changes
 
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