Please leave a review of my novel.

[LastMinami]

Hi guys, nice to meet you. I'm not really anyone important, but if it's not too much trouble, I'd really appreciate it if you could read my novel, even just the prologue or a few chapters. If possible, I'd also like to hear some feedback, either about the story itself or privately about your experience. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. I like it, of course, but I don't know if it would be good from someone else's perspective, since my friends aren't really big readers...

 

[Eldoria]

Hi guys, nice to meet you. I'm not really anyone important, but if it's not too much trouble, I'd really appreciate it if you could read my novel, even just the prologue or a few chapters. If possible, I'd also like to hear some feedback, either about the story itself or privately about your experience. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. I like it, of course, but I don't know if it would be good from someone else's perspective, since my friends aren't really big readers...

Well, after reading 3 chapters (including the prologue) in once reading to gauge immersion, I'm giving you feedback as a reader.

My general impression... your chapters are quite immersive. If these chapters were read by a casual, casual reader, they might be hypnotized and feel as if they are living the story through the MC.

Your chapters clearly demonstrate your narrative ability in applying the principle of show it, don't tell it!

Your narrative knows when to show in dramatic scenes. Your narrative knows when to tell to explain what the MC is feeling and summarize the whole scene at the end of the chapter.

This is clearly not a narrative skill that a beginner author who just learned a few day. I'm guessing you might be quite experienced in narrating fiction, you have narrative competence either through experience (trial and error) or learning from literary theory. But that's beyond this discussion, so I stop here.

Back to the topic... based on the chapters I've read, your narrative seems to tend to use the omniscient third POV. That's a relevant decision for an epic narrative. This is characterized by the narrative camera shifting from character to character, showing the worldbuilding around the characters and sometimes even delving into the feelings and thoughts between characters.

However, your narrative is quite controlled. You managed to avoid the head-hopping that is prone to occur in the third omniscient POV through scene blocking, character placement, and the use of relevant tags.

I am quite sure... your narrative successfully uses a "controlled narrator," a narrator who controls the narrative and its interpretation.

For example, "Michael smiled, a nostalgic, genuine smile that transformed his haggard face for an instant." The narrator in this scene is quite adept at framing phenomena and meaning.

The narrative initially shows the scene of the MC smiling. But the narrator immediately directs the interpretation of the smile as "...a genuine smile that transformed his haggard face for an instant."

This pattern is quite consistently applied in the chapters I read. In fact, your narrative always provides a summary or final interpretation at the end of each chapter.

The narrator here really knows how to 'control' the reader's perception. Well, this is the advantage of your narrative. You truly know how to be a 'narrator' who controls the narrative.

Now, I turn to the shortcomings of your narrative. Your narrative does indeed manage to maintain a balance between showing and telling.

However, I still encountered raw emotions several times. For example, "Dont mention it!" Xix boasted. This narration is given in the context of dialogue.

However, the "boasting" is a telling. This is a minor complaint, but it can slightly disrupt the reader's immersion. Maybe you want a quick context, that's fine. But giving a showing at this moment might be more impactful.

Instead of saying "Xix boasted", the narrative could show through body language, for example, "Xix crossed his arms, his lips turned upward." This narrative would feel more immersive and cinematic because the reader can immediately imagine it and interpret it simultaneously.

Also, perhaps you could add more subtle narration through showing without telling rather than controlled narration. Sometimes we need to trust the reader to determine their interpretation.

A controlled narrative with a showing + telling formula is good. But if it is done excessively, the reader can eventually get bored and 'realize' they are being directed by the narrator.

Sometimes you need to let the characters and the world interact organically and leave the interpretation up to the reader.

Lastly, an optional suggestion... add onomatopoeia for sensory narratives that indicate sounds.

For example, "Aarrgg..." for the sound of a groan of pain. "Doom!" for the sound of an explosion.

Adding onomatopoeia will allow the reader to hear the sound directly in their mind. It makes the scene feel more alive, more immersive.

However, some people might dislike it because they think it's cartoonish (onomatopoeia is common in manga and LN).

That's my feedback. I hope it helps (or maybe not).

Regards.

Critical Note:
My assessment may be biased. I'm simply providing honest feedback based on my reading experience.

 

[K_Nishi]

I really enjoyed the atmosphere and core concept of this chapter.
The idea of a “survival-based power” and the cockroach analogy are very strong, and the opening does a great job of establishing Michael’s desperation and emotional weight. The contract scene in particular has a solid sense of scale and mystery, and Xix is an intriguing presence.

If I had one suggestion for improvement, it would be that parts of the contract sequence feel slightly explanatory rather than experiential. The themes and mechanics are interesting, but some of them are stated very clearly instead of being fully felt through consequences. Letting a bit more ambiguity remain might actually increase tension and reader engagement.

Related to that, I think the scene could become even more gripping if the cost of Michael’s new power were hinted at more concretely early on. Even a small, unsettling sign of what he’s lost—or what this contract will demand from him—could add a strong sense of danger and inevitability. Right now the promise is compelling; showing the price alongside it would make the choice feel even heavier.

Overall, this is a strong start with a clear identity and emotional hook. With a bit more emphasis on showing consequences rather than explaining intent, I think it could become even more impactful.

 

[LastMinami]

Well, after reading 3 chapters (including the prologue) in once reading to gauge immersion, I'm giving you feedback as a reader.

My general impression... your chapters are quite immersive. If these chapters were read by a casual, casual reader, they might be hypnotized and feel as if they are living the story through the MC.

Your chapters clearly demonstrate your narrative ability in applying the principle of show it, don't tell it!

Your narrative knows when to show in dramatic scenes. Your narrative knows when to tell to explain what the MC is feeling and summarize the whole scene at the end of the chapter.

This is clearly not a narrative skill that a beginner author who just learned a few day. I'm guessing you might be quite experienced in narrating fiction, you have narrative competence either through experience (trial and error) or learning from literary theory. But that's beyond this discussion, so I stop here.

Back to the topic... based on the chapters I've read, your narrative seems to tend to use the omniscient third POV. That's a relevant decision for an epic narrative. This is characterized by the narrative camera shifting from character to character, showing the worldbuilding around the characters and sometimes even delving into the feelings and thoughts between characters.

However, your narrative is quite controlled. You managed to avoid the head-hopping that is prone to occur in the third omniscient POV through scene blocking, character placement, and the use of relevant tags.

I am quite sure... your narrative successfully uses a "controlled narrator," a narrator who controls the narrative and its interpretation.

For example, "Michael smiled, a nostalgic, genuine smile that transformed his haggard face for an instant." The narrator in this scene is quite adept at framing phenomena and meaning.

The narrative initially shows the scene of the MC smiling. But the narrator immediately directs the interpretation of the smile as "...a genuine smile that transformed his haggard face for an instant."

This pattern is quite consistently applied in the chapters I read. In fact, your narrative always provides a summary or final interpretation at the end of each chapter.

The narrator here really knows how to 'control' the reader's perception. Well, this is the advantage of your narrative. You truly know how to be a 'narrator' who controls the narrative.

Now, I turn to the shortcomings of your narrative. Your narrative does indeed manage to maintain a balance between showing and telling.

However, I still encountered raw emotions several times. For example, "Dont mention it!" Xix boasted. This narration is given in the context of dialogue.

However, the "boasting" is a telling. This is a minor complaint, but it can slightly disrupt the reader's immersion. Maybe you want a quick context, that's fine. But giving a showing at this moment might be more impactful.

Instead of saying "Xix boasted", the narrative could show through body language, for example, "Xix crossed his arms, his lips turned upward." This narrative would feel more immersive and cinematic because the reader can immediately imagine it and interpret it simultaneously.

Also, perhaps you could add more subtle narration through showing without telling rather than controlled narration. Sometimes we need to trust the reader to determine their interpretation.

A controlled narrative with a showing + telling formula is good. But if it is done excessively, the reader can eventually get bored and 'realize' they are being directed by the narrator.

Sometimes you need to let the characters and the world interact organically and leave the interpretation up to the reader.

Lastly, an optional suggestion... add onomatopoeia for sensory narratives that indicate sounds.

For example, "Aarrgg..." for the sound of a groan of pain. "Doom!" for the sound of an explosion.

Adding onomatopoeia will allow the reader to hear the sound directly in their mind. It makes the scene feel more alive, more immersive.

However, some people might dislike it because they think it's cartoonish (onomatopoeia is common in manga and LN).

That's my feedback. I hope it helps (or maybe not).

Regards.

Critical Note:
My assessment may be biased. I'm simply providing honest feedback based on my reading experience.

To be honest, this isn't really my first novel; it's my second. I spent a year writing my first novel and uploaded it to Wattpad and Inkit, but it basically didn't get any views on Wattpad ?. I submitted it to Inkit, and some people told me I had a good idea and concept, but after that, there were no more comments or views.

To be honest, I've noticed this flaw in my characters' expressions. I've tried to draw inspiration from some of my favorite web novels, manga, and manhwa, and some Chinese novels, but I don't think I've integrated it correctly.

The narrator is inspired by Hunter x Hunter and its huge text boxes. And the omniscient perspective... well, it's really because I don't quite know how to use first-person perspective, haha.

I really think it's more of a web novel than a novel, since I don't believe I have the writing skills I've seen in many excellent works here.

Thank you for your comments; they certainly help, and it's something I really wanted so I can continue improving. ?

 

[Eldoria]

To be honest, this isn't really my first novel; it's my second. I spent a year writing my first novel and uploaded it to Wattpad and Inkit, but it basically didn't get any views on Wattpad ?. I submitted it to Inkit, and some people told me I had a good idea and concept, but after that, there were no more comments or views.

To be honest, I've noticed this flaw in my characters' expressions. I've tried to draw inspiration from some of my favorite web novels, manga, and manhwa, and some Chinese novels, but I don't think I've integrated it correctly.

The narrator is inspired by Hunter x Hunter and its huge text boxes. And the omniscient perspective... well, it's really because I don't quite know how to use first-person perspective, haha.

I really think it's more of a web novel than a novel, since I don't believe I have the writing skills I've seen in many excellent works here.

Thank you for your comments; they certainly help, and it's something I really wanted so I can continue improving. ?

Well, I can see the results of your hard work. People say, writing fiction is about art and feeling. But I would say, writing fiction is about narrative competence that anyone can learn.

Your fiction writing is proof. I'm quite confident in terms of quality, your fiction deserves to be in the top 10% of fiction in SH.

And it's important to note, quality fiction is not about popularity... but about how the narrative can 'hypnotize' readers to feel the story as if they are not aware they are reading black ink on white paper. Your fiction has succeeded in doing that. The comments on your chapters show that readers enjoy it. That is empirical evidence, your narrative competence is proven.

And one more thing... please don't get too fixated on the popularity of fiction. It is important to distinguish that popularity is not the same as quality. Popularity is more about market taste. You don't always need to write quality fiction to be popular, just follow market taste if popularity is what you are after.

Tolkien took almost two decades to become well-known... and almost a century to dominate fantasy fiction.

If you can write quality fiction and become popular, that's great. However, if your fiction is not yet popular, don't be discouraged.

You can just control what you can control... in this case, narrative competence is an achievement you can pursue and improve at any time through experience.

 

[LastMinami]

I really enjoyed the atmosphere and core concept of this chapter.
The idea of a “survival-based power” and the cockroach analogy are very strong, and the opening does a great job of establishing Michael’s desperation and emotional weight. The contract scene in particular has a solid sense of scale and mystery, and Xix is an intriguing presence.

If I had one suggestion for improvement, it would be that parts of the contract sequence feel slightly explanatory rather than experiential. The themes and mechanics are interesting, but some of them are stated very clearly instead of being fully felt through consequences. Letting a bit more ambiguity remain might actually increase tension and reader engagement.

Related to that, I think the scene could become even more gripping if the cost of Michael’s new power were hinted at more concretely early on. Even a small, unsettling sign of what he’s lost—or what this contract will demand from him—could add a strong sense of danger and inevitability. Right now the promise is compelling; showing the price alongside it would make the choice feel even heavier.

Overall, this is a strong start with a clear identity and emotional hook. With a bit more emphasis on showing consequences rather than explaining intent, I think it could become even more impactful.

Thank you so much for your detailed comment. You're absolutely right about my tendency to over-explain things, and I really appreciate you pointing that out.

In this specific case, I wanted to make it clear that the contract is actually a collaboration between two parties. The power Michael receives will come at an increasing cost—not because the power itself is problematic, but because of the future scenarios and decisions he'll face.

I tried to make the contract feel like when the Chosen Undead link the flame in Dark Souls: it fulfills its promises, but never truly reveals everything behind the prophecy. I wanted that same unsettling ambiguity.

I'm glad you noticed the effort I put into the prologue. It took me two days to write, and I'm genuinely proud of how it turned out.

But I will certainly take note that you're right; I should be clearer about the costs. I suppose I thought too far ahead and neglected the natural progression of the story.

 

[LastMinami]

Well, I can see the results of your hard work. People say, writing fiction is about art and feeling. But I would say, writing fiction is about narrative competence that anyone can learn.

Your fiction writing is proof. I'm quite confident in terms of quality, your fiction deserves to be in the top 10% of fiction in SH.

And it's important to note, quality fiction is not about popularity... but about how the narrative can 'hypnotize' readers to feel the story as if they are not aware they are reading black ink on white paper. Your fiction has succeeded in doing that. The comments on your chapters show that readers enjoy it. That is empirical evidence, your narrative competence is proven.

And one more thing... please don't get too fixated on the popularity of fiction. It is important to distinguish that popularity is not the same as quality. Popularity is more about market taste. You don't always need to write quality fiction to be popular, just follow market taste if popularity is what you are after.

Tolkien took almost two decades to become well-known... and almost a century to dominate fantasy fiction.

If you can write quality fiction and become popular, that's great. However, if your fiction is not yet popular, don't be discouraged.

You can just control what you can control... in this case, narrative competence is an achievement you can pursue and improve at any time through experience.

I don't know what to say, thank you for your words, it's comforting to know that, and you're right, after all, everything has its time and place. And thank you for your comment about the quality. Honestly, I don't know if I can truly be in that 10%, but I will certainly do my best to achieve it. Honestly, I write more for myself than for anything else, because I always say that I would really like to read a story where the protagonist truly fights for what they want, not out of obligation, or to save the world, or because of destiny, but... If I have the opportunity to make a wish and I have to fight for it, I will give it my all.