Low attention span reviews and ratings [Closed]

[Makimaam]

Enjoy! (Or don’t!)

In the Shadow of Moonlight

Sophia “Wolfgirl” Jones has always had a strong affinity for wolves. After the death of her mother and her father’s descent into alcoholism, it becomes her refuge. Thus, when acting out a local native legend unexpectedly succeeds in turning her into a werewolf, and she meets a strange, but...

www.scribblehub.com

The synopsis is interesting…
To say the leash.

Every full moon, she becomes more wolfish in form and mind. Even more disturbing, not all of the changes revert when the sun comes up.

I think I have a feeling where this is going. It’s refreshing, I’d say, but it is certainly a niche genre. Nice to see something different every now and then. Thank you for sharing.

Ch1:
The way you write your paragraphs reads like tradpub. With webnovel readers, paragraphs tend to be shorter. But this is an observation, not a criticism.

Yet.

But for a low attention span reader like me, my gaze had already drifted a bit. My mind wandered as the description continued to stretch.

The monotony of repeating her daily commute did even less to take her mind off her discomfort. West on Spruce Lane, turn south onto Forest Road, day in and day out. Sure, a car would keep the cold out, but it would just introduce another routine to her life. While most of her classmates were itching to go somewhere, anywhere that didn’t bill itself as one of the best places to raise a family (translation: deadly boring). For her, all another town or city had to offer was a new kind of monotony. Sophia much preferred the solitude, freedom, and variety found in forests and fields. Woodbury certainly had that, but lately the natural world she craved seemed as distant as the moon.

The paragraph stretches with a lot of scenic description, and by the end of it, when you actually tell me about Sophia’s feelings of being out of place, I had skimmed over her feelings just as I skimmed over the description.

My suggestion would be to separate the paragraph and let this defining trait of your character have its own place for readers to see, eg. “Sophia much preferred the solitude…”

But then the chapter continued with more scene setting, more descriptions. I get this, it’s establishing atmosphere, but you’ve already done that many paragraphs prior. This is a modern setting, we as readers already have an idea of what a school, or a locker generally looks like. Why are we reading long descriptions of things that might not matter at this very moment and that we might forget later?

Because of these unnecessarily long descriptions, my wandering gaze almost missed what really matters:

In the rear of the locker, she had taped a drawing of her mother running with a wolf that she had made shortly after her mother's death a year prior. She felt a bit silly about it, but could never bring herself to remove it, nor obscure it when she hung her light blue sweatshirt and backpack.

Then you introduced more characters who read like 2000s teenage romcoms: the mean girl with blonde hair and heavy makeup mocking her clothes, and the hot hunk of a jock she secretly yearned for. Sure, it’s fine, not a deal breaker, but nothing new either.

Overall impression:

Sophia is a relatable MC. You build the world around her to show her isolation and her grief, with the wolf motif woven through the chapter as escapism for Sophia. I like her. I like your earnest prose.

However, I won’t continue, because I simply don’t have enough patience.

This is your opening chapter, where you’re meant to grasp the reader, but it’s too long, with long-winded descriptions of many things that don’t matter. Perhaps that’s your point, you wanted to reflect Sophia’s boredom, but you might bore readers too.

Sophia’s grief is told repetitively, with different phrasing and in different context, as if you didn’t trust readers to infer it from the text, similar to how you didn’t trust us to understand what a school or a locker looks like.

I believe your story suits a certain niche well, but not for me or for a broader audience with 200+ books on their reading list, unless something happens more quickly.

—

I will still give you a 5-star rating because I can see the passion, the work you put into it, the commissioned art, and the earnest prose.

 

[writerwolf359]

The synopsis is interesting…
To say the leash.



I think I have a feeling where this is going. It’s refreshing, I’d say, but it is certainly a niche genre. Nice to see something different every now and then. Thank you for sharing.

Ch1:
The way you write your paragraphs reads like tradpub. With webnovel readers, paragraphs tend to be shorter. But this is an observation, not a criticism.

Yet.

But for a low attention span reader like me, my gaze had already drifted a bit. My mind wandered as the description continued to stretch.



The paragraph stretches with a lot of scenic description, and by the end of it, when you actually tell me about Sophia’s feelings of being out of place, I had skimmed over her feelings just as I skimmed over the description.

My suggestion would be to separate the paragraph and let this defining trait of your character have its own place for readers to see, eg. “Sophia much preferred the solitude…”

But then the chapter continued with more scene setting, more descriptions. I get this, it’s establishing atmosphere, but you’ve already done that many paragraphs prior. This is a modern setting, we as readers already have an idea of what a school, or a locker generally looks like. Why are we reading long descriptions of things that might not matter at this very moment and that we might forget later?

Because of these unnecessarily long descriptions, my wandering gaze almost missed what really matters:



Then you introduced more characters who read like 2000s teenage romcoms: the mean girl with blonde hair and heavy makeup mocking her clothes, and the hot hunk of a jock she secretly yearned for. Sure, it’s fine, not a deal breaker, but nothing new either.

Overall impression:

Sophia is a relatable MC. You build the world around her to show her isolation and her grief, with the wolf motif woven through the chapter as escapism for Sophia. I like her. I like your earnest prose.

However, I won’t continue, because I simply don’t have enough patience.

This is your opening chapter, where you’re meant to grasp the reader, but it’s too long, with long-winded descriptions of many things that don’t matter. Perhaps that’s your point, you wanted to reflect Sophia’s boredom, but you might bore readers too.

Sophia’s grief is told repetitively, with different phrasing and in different context, as if you didn’t trust readers to infer it from the text, similar to how you didn’t trust us to understand what a school or a locker looks like.

I believe your story suits a certain niche well, but not for me or for a broader audience with 200+ books on their reading list, unless something happens more quickly.

—

I will still give you a 5-star rating because I can see the passion, the work you put into it, the commissioned art, and the earnest prose.

Thanks, this is exactly the sort of feedback I was looking for. To be perfectly honest, I've developed a dedicated readership and am not really lacking in feedback. The only problem is that feedback is from people who are already hooked, and I have precious little for why people may have dropped it early on.

I started writing this back in September 2020 and have been working on it with varying levels of effort since (most of the story came in the last two years). Right now, there are 70 chapters in book 1 (>210k words), and it's nearing completion. In that time, I've heavily evolved my approach to the story stylistically, and the later chapters are markedly different from the early ones. I didn't settle on how I wanted to tell the story until about chapter six, and then haphazardly made some changes to the first five. So, your criticisms are well taken and basically affirm my own appraisal. I consider this to be a "polished rough draft" and have generally refrained from editing published chapters in favor of finishing the narrative.

So, thanks again!.

P.S: Amusingly, I think it was in the late 40's or early 50's that I realized I hadn't mentioned the mean blonde in over 30 chapters. As her role had been taken over by more interesting characters by then, I put removing her entirely on the list of things to address for my revision.

 

[Makimaam]

It's full of profanity, don't criticize that
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2067281/dominion-protocol/

Well...

No street signs. No honking cars. Just Towering trees, distant stone buildings, and the faint murmur of unfamiliar voices.

He staggered to his feet. He was barefoot, bruised, and draped in unfamiliar robes.

“Did someone mug me at a cosplay convention?”

This is where I stopped.

 

[AliceMoonvale]

Well...



This is where I stopped.

Oh no.
'no this, no this. just this, this, and this."

That's like, ai-coded speech.

 

[ArthurLendario]

There is no strict format for my feedback, but here is my general approach:

1. I read your synopsis, then I read Chapter 1 until I stop. That could be the first paragraph, or it could be the entire chapter. If it interests me, due to personal preference, I will continue to the next chapters.
2. I will tell you why I stopped if I think it might be constructive for you. When I don’t, it is usually along the lines of: I think you have a lot to work on and I am not qualified or patient enough to be your writing coach, or I don’t want to read generic, worldly, unedited AI-assisted content. I won’t use an AI checker, not that they are reliable anyway, so I will not accuse anyone of using it. I simply don’t want to continue reading.
3. If I make it to the end of the first chapter with my low attention span, which is difficult, I will give you a 5-star rating. Even if a piece doesn’t grab me til the end, I’ll give it 5 stars if I think it’s outstanding. I don’t rate anything lower than 5 stars.
4. If I really, really enjoy the work, I will give a constructive (or try to) review, and it can include criticism. But for me to write an essay about it, I have to like it first.

About me:

I am not going to brag about what qualifies me as a feedback giver. I will outright tell you that my feedback is subjective, personal, and it does not necessarily mean you are a bad writer if I stopped reading. It simply means the work did not interest me.

Hi! I’m very interested in your approach to feedback and would appreciate your perspective on where the story loses you, if it does. Thank you. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2105651/legendary-arthur-streaming-across-the-realms/

 

[Makimaam]

I almost never ask for feedback because I'm cringe and free, but I think you're hilarious.
Me next.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2104691/this-is-how-i-lived/

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2104691/this-is-how-i-lived/

Did anyone try turning it on and off again? No?

Lol, what a nerd.

*

Your synopsis has voice, as if the writer, you, is having fun with it. It could have been shorter, getting to the zombie apocalypse part faster. Line like “Walking Dead reality TV show” was abrupt. I obviously didn’t click as fast as I would have liked, initially thinking of it as yet another TV show reference. My bad, because I spaced out. But overall, it sets expectation nicely.

After a lovely nap on this concrete floor, I’ll make my way into town.

This is where I stopped. Yes, Chapter 5. Though, to be fair, each chapter has around 600–700 words on average, so…

Fine, fine, I’ll give you 5 stars. But let’s talk about it.


The good:

The protagonist has a lovely voice, GenZ-y, tumblr-esque, with a great sense of humor. On second thought, she sounds more like a teenage millennial.

But anyway, the prose is very readable, and I would keep reading just to see where this chaotic character leads us and whether she would survive. You made me care for her. There are some genuinely funny moments, and some good survival logistics.

The bad:

The tension arrives after the first chapter. The MC's emotions are subtly present in the opening entry, covered by rapid-fire humor as a coping mechanism, but the humor ends up overwhelming everything else, giving the first chapter a SoL vibe. That said, the chapter is short, so I’m sure curious readers will continue just to see where this happens. Personally, I have always preferred a strong opener.

The diary entries are a fun approach, creative and refreshing, but not without their own issues. One of them is that every tension introduced post-Ch 1 is undermined by the fact that, as long as the diary continues, our MC is safe. Tension could still exist through the introduction of other characters, but as of Ch5, there are none.

We don’t know much about your protagonist beyond her fear and panic. What about her parents? Her friends? Her hopes and dreams? One would have thought those were the things she could have written about instead of an inventory list. Humor is fine, but it needs to be balanced with emotion. Readers want to connect with her, empathize with her, not just through profanity and teenage slang.

This led me to pause reading.

A zombie apocalypse is a familiar setting. What makes each story distinctive is the characters (note: plurals) and/or the mechanics. I didn’t read far enough to see whether you introduce anyone else, but what is written is largely as expected, and largely sans tension. The only thing that differentiates your book is the voice, but an impatient reader like me wants more to keep me going.

Minor quibble:

Stylistically, I would like to ask why. Why this punctuation style when listing mundane items? I get it when people use it for short fight scenes, but here it feels. Like. You. Want. Me. To. Pay. Attention. To. Hello Kitty.

Why??? Is this some weird mid-chapter ad placement?

Water. Snacks. Candles and a lighter. Bandages. This new diary/journal/captain's log.

Plushies. Stickers. My Hello Kitty throw blanket. Hairbrush. Tape. Gel pens. Tissues. Pink earbuds. Nail clippers and tweezers.

Overall, you seem to be having fun with the story. Keep it going, and also address the SH's searchability issue. I have a feeling it’s being hidden because of the cover. Don’t ask me why, but SH's bot works mysteriously. Try re-uploading it without the cover and see.

 

[AliceMoonvale]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2104691/this-is-how-i-lived/


Lol, what a nerd.

*

Your synopsis has voice, as if the writer, you, is having fun with it. It could have been shorter, getting to the zombie apocalypse part faster. Line like “Walking Dead reality TV show” was abrupt. I obviously didn’t click as fast as I would have liked, initially thinking of it as yet another TV show reference. My bad, because I spaced out. But overall, it sets expectation nicely.




This is where I stopped. Yes, Chapter 5. Though, to be fair, each chapter has around 600–700 words on average, so…

Fine, fine, I’ll give you 5 stars. But let’s talk about it.


The good:

The protagonist has a lovely voice, GenZ-y, tumblr-esque, with a great sense of humor. On second thought, she sounds more like a teenage millennial.

But anyway, the prose is very readable, and I would keep reading just to see where this chaotic character leads us and whether she would survive. You made me care for her. There are some genuinely funny moments, and some good survival logistics.

The bad:

The tension arrives after the first chapter. The MC's emotions are subtly present in the opening entry, covered by rapid-fire humor as a coping mechanism, but the humor ends up overwhelming everything else, giving the first chapter a SoL vibe. That said, the chapter is short, so I’m sure curious readers will continue just to see where this happens. Personally, I have always preferred a strong opener.

The diary entries are a fun approach, creative and refreshing, but not without their own issues. One of them is that every tension introduced post-Ch 1 is undermined by the fact that, as long as the diary continues, our MC is safe. Tension could still exist through the introduction of other characters, but as of Ch5, there are none.

We don’t know much about your protagonist beyond her fear and panic. What about her parents? Her friends? Her hopes and dreams? One would have thought those were the things she could have written about instead of an inventory list. Humor is fine, but it needs to be balanced with emotion. Readers want to connect with her, empathize with her, not just through profanity and teenage slang.

This led me to pause reading.

A zombie apocalypse is a familiar setting. What makes each story distinctive is the characters (note: plurals) and/or the mechanics. I didn’t read far enough to see whether you introduce anyone else, but what is written is largely as expected, and largely sans tension. The only thing that differentiates your book is the voice, but an impatient reader like me wants more to keep me going.

Minor quibble:

Stylistically, I would like to ask why. Why this punctuation style when listing mundane items? I get it when people use it for short fight scenes, but here it feels. Like. You. Want. Me. To. Pay. Attention. To. Hello Kitty.

Why??? Is this some weird mid-chapter ad placement?






Overall, you seem to be having fun with the story. Keep it going, and also address the SH's searchability issue. I have a feeling it’s being hidden because of the cover. Don’t ask me why, but SH's bot works mysteriously. Try re-uploading it without the cover and see.

I'm glad someone can recognize she's a cringy, nerdy, teenage millennial in a zoomer's body.
And you're right, I could make it better with more tension. Lindsay is just someone who huffs the copium like her life literally depends on it.

Glad you caught that, though. I chose that strange stylistic choice because it's mundane items and lowkey an ad for hello kitty. That was just me personally being silly and I won't apologize for it- but I did improve it now.

Thanks for the feedback! It was very amusing and asserted my thoughts of editing the chapters a bit to make them punchier.
edit: I did just a tad~

Also, as for the searchability issue, I'm painfully and extremely aware of it. I've been struggling with the system for two weeks now and tried multiple avenues of contact to get it fixed to no avail yet, so nothing I can do. I've reuploaded the cover over a dozen times, it gets accepted fairly quickly. However, my story is going strong on Royal Road and never had any issues.

 

[HellsPerfectSpawn]

O magnifique one. Wouldst though grace this mere mortal with some of your wisdom.

Creature Feature

Be careful what you wish for, for you might just get it. Now that Av Sine has got his thoughtless wish granted and has been reborn as the seed of a cosmic horror, he finds himself not quite able to stomach what his new instincts are urging him to do....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Makimaam]

Sounds pretty fun, so here is mine. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1682111/master-of-magic-master-of-me/

And yes, I'm aware that my synopsis and prologue gives pretty much the same information. I'm still struggling to decide whether just to delete prologue. ?

Keep the prologue. It reads like a typical manhwa isekai until that part where the MC was gushing about the ecstasy she felt when someone choked her... well, I’ll refrain from commenting.

But that was the first moment her personality showed through, and it makes this story feel different. Keep it.

I thought dying by drowning was supposed to be peaceful

No.

You could say I have a teeny-tiny phobia, especially of deep water. And the ocean? Pretty fucking deep, if you ask me. So yeah, it's kind of ironic that I’m dying by drowning in it.

She rambled a lot while drowning, so much so that my attention started to drown in her monologue.

I can’t keep my eyes open. I’m too afraid to see a shark coming.

More rambling, and an unrealistic one. I don’t see the panic, just complaints, as if she knew she wasn’t going to die. Most people try to prioritize breathing. But your MC’s rambling was too cohesive for that, and trying too hard to be snarky.

A quick flick to the bottom showed me nothing new either. I didn’t read it, I skimmed it. She woke up in another body. That’s all there is to it. It’s probably the same opening as every isekai story.

I’m not going to quote statistics, but without the prologue, your story is indistinguishable from any other.

Die -> wake up -> look in the mirror -> shook.

At least Korean stories add more than just that to keep readers clicking the next button.

Trim the rambling. Get to the hook quicker. Unfortunately, given what I’ve seen in the prologue, the story will likely follow very typical Korean isekai tropes until the stalker appears. At least the promise of hot asphyxiation might keep some readers invested.

Regrettably, I have to stop there. Your character does have a voice--cynical, messy, jaded, even when the sheer amount of profanity put me off. But overall, there’s nothing in Chapter 1 alone that interests me.

 

[Humanistheart]

I'll give it a shot. I'll only cry a few days if the review is rough. No big deal, right?

The Peach of Petalik | Scribble Hub

 

[NoPath615]

There is no strict format for my feedback, but here is my general approach:

1. I read your synopsis, then I read Chapter 1 until I stop. That could be the first paragraph, or it could be the entire chapter. If it interests me, due to personal preference, I will continue to the next chapters.
2. I will tell you why I stopped if I think it might be constructive for you. When I don’t, it is usually along the lines of: I think you have a lot to work on and I am not qualified or patient enough to be your writing coach, or I don’t want to read generic, worldly, unedited AI-assisted content. I won’t use an AI checker, not that they are reliable anyway, so I will not accuse anyone of using it. I simply don’t want to continue reading.
3. If I make it to the end of the first chapter with my low attention span, which is difficult, I will give you a 5-star rating. Even if a piece doesn’t grab me til the end, I’ll give it 5 stars if I think it’s outstanding. I don’t rate anything lower than 5 stars.
4. If I really, really enjoy the work, I will give a constructive (or try to) review, and it can include criticism. But for me to write an essay about it, I have to like it first.

About me:

I am not going to brag about what qualifies me as a feedback giver. I will outright tell you that my feedback is subjective, personal, and it does not necessarily mean you are a bad writer if I stopped reading. It simply means the work did not interest me.

nice

Lonely King

This is the story of someone who becomes powerful by enduring the greatest pain a human can possibly bear.

Lonely King

Starting on August 25, 2026, people across the world begin to vanish without explanation. Those who disappear awaken in an unknown place called the Tower, where they are forced to climb 80 floor order to survive. There is no return, and failure means death. Among them is a young man named...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Makimaam]

I shall make my offering: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1101435/the-best-revenge-is-becoming-a-villainess/

“It’s been a while since I last charged it, I hope there’s still some battery left inside…”

Isn’t that a pleasant surprise. First chapter in, and I’m already a fan of the witch.

“You want to add the word ‘fucking’ in there?” the Witch suggested with a faint smirk.

Witty. Now this is the sort of profanity I enjoy.

“This?” The Witch tapped the glowing surface with a playful smirk. “This is my precious smartphone. The pinnacle of technology, so to speak.”

That confirms it. This is the sort of subversion that keeps readers clicking the next button.


Overall:

It is an appealing story, at least for SH readers. What came across as generic from the synopsis subverted itself nicely in chapter 1. If anything, you should improve your synopsis because right now, it reads like yet another generic JP LN trope with a villainess MC.

The first half ran overly long. Your elegant prose saved me from stopping, but it is polished, too polished in fact, to the point that sometimes Estella’s emotions felt rehearsed due to the use of purple prose.

Let me give you an example. Within the first half alone, we have:

Her fingers trembled as she clutched the delicate lace of her gown, the sting of a thousand eyes upon her threatening to break her mask of stoic grace.

Fair enough. But then:

Estella, whose heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice, released a quiet breath she hadn’t realised she was holding.

That was too well-polished, to the point of insincerity.

And her whole body was cold with fear. A real, raw, paralysing fear like no other she had experienced.

This is something that could be expressed more subtly rather than told outwardly. Then we are told again here:

She forced herself to stand before the new couple, enduring the sharp pain in her chest. Just thinking of the words she was going to say made her shattered heart ache.

And again:

The pain, the humiliation, the betrayal—all of it surged through her veins in that excruciating moment.

I get it. She was panicked, she was sad. We were told again and again until my empathy turned to pity, then to a slight dislike for this character.

On top of that, the nobles continued expressing disbelief again and again. The Prince, too, overexplained himself repeatedly. His dialogues began to blur my attention. These kinds of explanations, realistically, should be written in a formal letter or a private conversation because Estella is a duchess. Public humiliation like this is very much a JP/KR light novel thing and not at all realistic.

But of course, this is the otome genre. We don’t expect realism here.

Meanwhile, I was scrolling back and forth wondering what Estella even looks like. Because you spent a great deal of words describing the setting, but not once did you drop a hint about your MC’s appearance. I didn’t get to know even until the end.

Your second half saved this chapter, with the same grief being told in a more sincere manner, where your MC cursed at the Prince.

So yes, I read until the end, 5 stars. This isn’t perfect, but it has enough appeal to keep readers reading and clicking next. The synopsis could sprinkle in some interesting elements to make it feel less generic, however.

 

[Thiris]

Keep the prologue. It reads like a typical manhwa isekai until that part where the MC was gushing about the ecstasy she felt when someone choked her... well, I’ll refrain from commenting.

But that was the first moment her personality showed through, and it makes this story feel different. Keep it.



No.



She rambled a lot while drowning, so much so that my attention started to drown in her monologue.



More rambling, and an unrealistic one. I don’t see the panic, just complaints, as if she knew she wasn’t going to die. Most people try to prioritize breathing. But your MC’s rambling was too cohesive for that, and trying too hard to be snarky.

A quick flick to the bottom showed me nothing new either. I didn’t read it, I skimmed it. She woke up in another body. That’s all there is to it. It’s probably the same opening as every isekai story.

I’m not going to quote statistics, but without the prologue, your story is indistinguishable from any other.

Die -> wake up -> look in the mirror -> shook.

At least Korean stories add more than just that to keep readers clicking the next button.

Trim the rambling. Get to the hook quicker. Unfortunately, given what I’ve seen in the prologue, the story will likely follow very typical Korean isekai tropes until the stalker appears. At least the promise of hot asphyxiation might keep some readers invested.

Regrettably, I have to stop there. Your character does have a voice--cynical, messy, jaded, even when the sheer amount of profanity put me off. But overall, there’s nothing in Chapter 1 alone that interests me.

Well I love the basic isekai stories, so that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm not really trying to be that different. Just writing a story I enjoy. So you are right to expect just that basic thing. You know, the classic sassy fml and the cold blunt northern duke. But here, the cold duke is just a sadistic stalker mage. :D

The drowning part, I do agree. My problem is that the panic when the drowning starts will be shown later when the whole story of her death is told. So in that first scene, she has practically just given up and is just floating without any fight. She also has a history of almost drowning, so that's why she just gives up, and it's not so new to her. And I just thought that in that moment, she would just ramble by herself since there was nothing else to do. But I get why that is boring to read, especially at the beginning of the story.

I could maybe just delete the whole drowning part, since that's not such an important thing in the story this early on, and just start the story when she wakes up. And yes, I think most of my readers just wait for the stalker to appear. Since the whole story is basically about the two of them, so the story really kicks off only after that.

I appreciate the feedback. ❤ I'm almost finished with my second novel and planning to go re-write this first one, since my writing style has changed very much along the way. This is the first thing I have ever written, and it started with a whim. I just wrote for fun, not putting so much thought into it. But now I find myself getting hooked and actually want to put more effort into writing without just vomiting my thoughts. :D

 

[Makimaam]

I could maybe just delete the whole drowning part, since that's not such an important thing in the story this early on, and just start the story when she wakes up. And yes, I think most of my readers just wait for the stalker to appear. Since the whole story is basically about the two of them, so the story really kicks off only after that.

You don’t have to cut it entirely since it provides crucial insight into who Jane is. However, you could trim it down to make it less performatively snarky and more authentic. Of course, this is something every writer must learn for themselves as they hone their craft. If I were to write a drowning scene, the story’s genre would immediately change to dark fantasy coz I’m dramatic.

 

[Makimaam]

Neat feedback thread

Idk if my story is gripping enough for even an average attention span, but I will make an attempt. Only four chapters rn, so that's a plus

Here you go

The moment I clicked your link and saw your cover, I laughed…

Okay, let me recover and I’ll give you my feedback later.

*

Alrightttt, here we go again. Second time’s the charm, is it not?

*

The moment I saw your cover… I fell in love.

No, not really. It was a conflicting emotion. The rational part of me wants to tell you to change it to something more monster-y, more serious, since your genre isn’t comedy. The other part of me wants to say: keep it and never change. It is brilliantly odd, as the Brits say. Probl.

Anyway, if you want to look for art that reflects this wonderful piece of craft, I know a person who knows a person who knows a person on discord that we can disc—

Ahem. Let’s get back to the point.

Synopsis: The first paragraph was fun to read. I can see it has a voice, a sardonic one, with playful bullfrog phrasing, but other than that, you need to give the reader something else to hook them in. The second paragraph veers back into a common fantasy premise, without any intriguing hook to keep readers invested.

Chapter 1:
There is something uniquely charming about your voice and your Filia (really?!) came across as likeable. His reason for missing magic is relatable despite the promise of hubris. I must say, it was a pleasant surprise. I would have thought I’d be greeted with yet another insufferable, edgy MC, but he is surprisingly likable.

However, this long description began to lose me:

I pass by him, heading into the place I called home for all but the past 3 months or so. It's an old two-story home with a surprisingly small kitchen for a house that size, a pristine bathroom, a comfortable sitting room with a nostalgic fireplace, and a dining room with a table that's unnecessarily long on the first floor. On the second are the three bedrooms, two of which have bathrooms.

The opening section was nice to read, so I decided to skim over this. If it doesn’t build character, or add to the plot, I don’t need to read it.

Doctor Docile Tertias.

…you pulled me out of my daydreaming once again. Great job.

I feel sick with myself, but even more sick with the idea of going back right away. I stare up into the sky, a droplet of rain falling rightinto my eye. I recoil slightly, then wipe it out of my eye. It's probably time to get going. The rain is getting going.

But nice paragraph.

Overall:

What can I say? I am as conflicted with this first chapter as with your cover. You!

It has heart, it has voice, it has a likable protagonist whose goal is clearly born out of longing and dreams.

But it has no hook.

Perhaps the hook is the authorial voice, but would that be enough?

Some sections can be trimmed, however. The exposition ran long, though the part about magic being the 5th fundamental force is fun. It’s always interesting to see how magic works alongside modern scientific knowledge. It’s much easier to set up in a complete high fantasy than to fit it in an urban one.

I feel like this is more suitable for tradpup than WNs, where it’s all about hooking and capturing readers hard and fast. This doesn’t do that, but it doesn’t mean it’s bad or forgettable either. My suggestion is to continue writing. With four chapters in, and with you being a new author, it takes a lot of grit and grinding for readers to notice you.


So yeah, 5 stars. Well done.

 

[Failnot]

The moment I clicked your link and saw your cover, I laughed…

Okay, let me recover and I’ll give you my feedback later.

*

Alrightttt, here we go again. Second time’s the charm, is it not?

*

The moment I saw your cover… I fell in love.

No, not really. It was a conflicting emotion. The rational part of me wants to tell you to change it to something more monster-y, more serious, since your genre isn’t comedy. The other part of me wants to say: keep it and never change. It is brilliantly odd, as the Brits say. Probl.

Anyway, if you want to look for art that reflects this wonderful piece of craft, I know a person who knows a person who knows a person on discord that we can disc—

Ahem. Let’s get back to the point.

Synopsis: The first paragraph was fun to read. I can see it has a voice, a sardonic one, with playful bullfrog phrasing, but other than that, you need to give the reader something else to hook them in. The second paragraph veers back into a common fantasy premise, without any intriguing hook to keep readers invested.

Chapter 1:
There is something uniquely charming about your voice and your Filia (really?!) came across as likeable. His reason for missing magic is relatable despite the promise of hubris. I must say, it was a pleasant surprise. I would have thought I’d be greeted with yet another insufferable, edgy MC, but he is surprisingly likable.

However, this long description began to lose me:



The opening section was nice to read, so I decided to skim over this. If it doesn’t build character, or add to the plot, I don’t need to read it.



…you pulled me out of my daydreaming once again. Great job.



But nice paragraph.

Overall:

What can I say? I am as conflicted with this first chapter as with your cover. You!

It has heart, it has voice, it has a likable protagonist whose goal is clearly born out of longing and dreams.

But it has no hook.

Perhaps the hook is the authorial voice, but would that be enough?

Some sections can be trimmed, however. The exposition ran long, though the part about magic being the 5th fundamental force is fun. It’s always interesting to see how magic works alongside modern scientific knowledge. It’s much easier to set up in a complete high fantasy than to fit it in an urban one.

I feel like this is more suitable for tradpup than WNs, where it’s all about hooking and capturing readers hard and fast. This doesn’t do that, but it doesn’t mean it’s bad or forgettable either. My suggestion is to continue writing. With four chapters in, and with you being a new author, it takes a lot of grit and grinding for readers to notice you.


So yeah, 5 stars. Well done.

Oh my God at long last somebody sort of liked the cover a little

Thanks for the feedback, one day I'll figure out how to make Chapter 1 do more to hook

 

[Makimaam]

aight, bet. lets do this < 3

Us, Looking Beyond Ourselves

[Note: current versions are rough drafts. Any comments/ corrections that can be noted are much appreciated] Before reading, please keep in mind: - This story is PLOT with porn - This is a slow romance, so you will have to wait for said porn - The setting is urban with...

www.scribblehub.com

i just published chapter 3 too.

The blurb was long and rambly and it takes a while to get to the point. If I were a reader, I would stop there.

The saving grace, however, is the wink at 2000s nostalgia: CDs, myspace. It tells me exactly what the story’s setting is. I’m not sure, with this relatively young reader base, how many would even recognize that. It is a romance, and while it’s not quite the type of appeal that typically attracts SH readers, I can see it still having a bit of charm.

If I squint hard enough.

So sharpen your synopsis and leave the rambling… somewhere else. When the characters were introduced, it didn’t get any better. Still the same distracting rambles, with unnecessary details for a blurb.

Chapter 1:

Oh. More of… this.

It reads like a diary not something that would grab readers and never let go. It was charming when you referenced Aristotle, then Descartes, then Machiavelli…

But by the time I reached Marie Antoinette, the Medici, and Dante, I’m officially clocked out.

Why?

Because Cynthia sounds like she’s performing intelligence, showing off her erudition, trying to prove how smart she is. It is tiring to read. It is grating. You gave a few references too many and I’m already bored. Trim it, and aggressively.

There are opportunities to sprinkle those in. You don’t have to remove them from your novel, these ideas could come up naturally in conversations with her friends or her lover, rather than as an info dump right at the very start of an already long chapter.

And then you wrote about Kirsten Dunst, and I’m sorry, I just have to stop here, because just when I thought the name-dropping had finally eased, you added more.

Sure, I get why you did that. You wanted to show the juxtaposition between Cynthia’s philosophical side and her valley-girl side, but a single opening chapter with this many references is going to limit readers. And while I understood every single one of them, I still find it very distracting to read.

The first chapter is like a first blind date. I came into this blind date having read your profile, but I barely know you. Then you started quoting and name-dropping philosophers at me, perhaps to impress, perhaps out of genuine interest. But without really knowing who you are yet, I’m already mentally hoping for the date to be over.

 

[Makimaam]

Would love if you can read mines

Soulcarved Mage

He has only known the brutal training of his father, the Grand Magus of Metal. Xvalkken's life is an endless cycle of torture, and his future is imprisonment. His only choice is to run. Fleeing into the dread Forest of the Damned Souls, Xvalkken discovers a truth buried by millennia...

www.scribblehub.com

Before I start, I want to say that for a lazy, short attention span reader like me to write an essay, it means I personally see potential, no matter how harsh my words might seem. Now, let’s begin.

Synopsis

The blurb is good and concise enough. The soul-power concept opens up an interesting power system. But do I think your story will limit readers? Yepp, especially on web novel sites like SH. And here is the why:

• The blurb does not give the reader anything to look forward to other than yet another dark journey of an abused, tortured soul seeking power, only for that power to cost him.
• What makes Xvalkken, especially, someone readers want to follow, other than misery or suffering being substituted for personality?
• The blurb is functional but it lacks either a voice, a clearer ray of light, a tease of a win, hints of a twist or a spark. It feels relentlessly dark. That’s not to say it reflects the direction of your novel, it describes the first impression a reader would have when browsing through 30+ new books released each day. You literally have minutes, if not seconds, to impress a reader as a new author in a fairly niche grimdark genre.

Prologue
I don’t like reading them, for they often serve as lore dumps or some sort of excerpt about a character I don’t want to follow. I want to follow the MC and see things through their lens. So most of the time, I skim.

From skimming, what I can gather is the key info about the three elementals and the first demon. That’s about it. It introduces many characters I don’t care about, yet. The epic battle feels disconnected and at a brief glance, seems to serve as a lore dump.

If this is meant to grip the reader, it fails. Does it give a hook? No, it gives lore and a potential villain who we might not even see until much later in the story, considering your MC starts off weak.

If I were a reader and not a feedbacker who had promised to read at least Chapter 1, this is where I would stop.

Something like this could easily be shown and connected directly through your MC’s eyes in the main story, rather than wasting a prologue on it.

Chapter 1 starts off with a fight scene where Xvalkken gets abused by his father. It established the MC as a weak underdog and his biggest adversary, for now, as his father. The dining scene doesn’t add much to what we already know, besides another lengthy description of the setting and the fact that the MC has a higher-achieving brother.

Moving on to the magic system, while interesting, it is dumped in one big chunk of text, literally, since the MC is reviewing it. For an opening chapter, this risks losing readers quickly. That’s not to say fans of power systems don’t love them, but why show it now? Something like this could be hinted at over a few short paragraphs and revisited in more detail later when it’s more relevant.

From reading this alone, I feel that you have done a good amount of power building and world building, and you were eager to share, but that’s something the writer in me could feel. As a reader, it is a big issue, because it stops them from connecting with your MC. It halts immersion.

This is followed by a lengthy scene where the Xvalkken cultivates and fails. It is repetitive and over explaining. We already know he struggled, but we don’t know what else he wanted besides feeling like a victim.

The last section should have been the strongest, but it arrives too late and too abruptly, after I’ve already lost interest. You take me out of the MC’s mind with an info dump, then staple on an assassination scene that reads like it comes out of nowhere. The emotions that led to this decision could have had stronger escalation. Instead, we are led into a disjointed sequence of a failed cultivation attempt and an assassination plan.

Overall, your prose is competent but lacks voice. The synopsis does not have any exciting ‘must-read’ factor to grip readers. The power system is your selling point, but it is most often interesting when it signals a win. When power comes with a cost, to keep readers invested, you need to make your MC likable/or compelling. The more readers invest in your MC, the higher the cost feels to read. Who would want to read a piece of stale bread being toasted?

Besides, the abused underdog is not a new trope, and suffering alone isn’t enough when I haven’t found anything to like about your MC. You have an opportunity to show his heart, his human quirks, through his interaction with Loren, but the scene felt underused, just to emphasize that someone besides your MC hates the father. The fact that he couldn’t kill his father humanizes him but it arrives a little too late.

Last question: what makes today the day he wants to kill his father? What is the catalyst, especially when you frame the abuse as something that happens daily? If you have your MC think about it before acting, subtly hinting it from the beginning, it will help the reader connect with him. Right now, I feel that disconnection, just as I feel disconnected from your MC and his choice.

 

[Makimaam]

TSR: Mountain Mover

This story follows the life of Jack the Mountain Mover. A core disciple of the Illustrious Boundless Peak Sect and a self-described true cultivator. Even in the brutal world of sect politics, where schemes often take the place of love and 'gods' scar the land as often as it rained....

www.scribblehub.com

It’s a skip for me.

Thank you

Untapped Memories

Cassa Ironbrooke and Eliana Krahl are stranded in the border town Moonbridge. To leave, their choices are bleak: fight through monster-infested wilds, or pay ship fares they can't afford. Either way, they're stuck. Hope seems lost, until they discover their missing master's journal. Inside it...

www.scribblehub.com

Synopsis:

It reads pretty familiar like any fantasy story. The voice doesn’t stands out, nor does the plot. Perhaps the only thing that makes it slightly more interesting is the last line. I would have stopped at the synopsis.

Chapter 1:

Your prose is competent and readable. The action reads clearly on the page, which is to say it’s better than many of the web novels on this website. The characters have personality through the dialogue. It reads natural enough.

Overall, if your aim is to capture readers with the synopsis, it fails. Even if some are interested enough to go through the opening chapter, they might drop out too. Why?

Despite the competent prose, the natural dialogue, and the character dynamics, unfortunately, that is not enough. There is no particularly interesting concept.

Chapter 1 only introduces characters and alludes to more, which is fine, but while characters are what readers follow, there needs to be a plot as well. Right now, you leave us, the readers, going through rat fights and some dungeon adventure with no clear stakes. It’s just too lengthy, with pacing that drags in the middle.

You have only minutes to impress low-attention-span readers like me and you need to make every single word work. As a reader, I would simply nod and say, “Good job, next.”

 

[rileykifer]

There is no strict format for my feedback, but here is my general approach:

1. I read your synopsis, then I read Chapter 1 until I stop. That could be the first paragraph, or it could be the entire chapter. If it interests me, due to personal preference, I will continue to the next chapters.
2. I will tell you why I stopped if I think it might be constructive for you. When I don’t, it is usually along the lines of: I think you have a lot to work on and I am not qualified or patient enough to be your writing coach, or I don’t want to read generic, worldly, unedited AI-assisted content. I won’t use an AI checker, not that they are reliable anyway, so I will not accuse anyone of using it. I simply don’t want to continue reading.
3. If I make it to the end of the first chapter with my low attention span, which is difficult, I will give you a 5-star rating. Even if a piece doesn’t grab me til the end, I’ll give it 5 stars if I think it’s outstanding. I don’t rate anything lower than 5 stars.
4. If I really, really enjoy the work, I will give a constructive (or try to) review, and it can include criticism. But for me to write an essay about it, I have to like it first.

About me:

I am not going to brag about what qualifies me as a feedback giver. I will outright tell you that my feedback is subjective, personal, and it does not necessarily mean you are a bad writer if I stopped reading. It simply means the work did not interest me.

You've got me curious. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2112692/outcasts-and-rebels/