feedbacks for a simple office romance

[Achillie]

Heyya, my story is set in an office, not a CEO x assistant/subordinate kind of story, just two normal co-workers falling for each other and I'd like some feedback on my writing.

My descriptions aren't that detailed so I just want to know whether readers can still imagine the whole office and setting fully, feel free to give it a quick read or just skim through the first chapter.

Lattes & Love ( check it out! )

Other than that, I do have a question if there are readers on ScribbleHub that are into cliche romance like this? It doesn't have incredible fantasy world-building, action packed scenes or complex magic systems and is just... a normal story with very normal characters, so yeah, just wondering if there's hope for me to get at least six to ten loyal readers <:

 

[L1aei]

I provide constructive writing feedback (structure, voice, pacing) to help authors polish their work. Open to collaborations and notes. Email: [email protected]

Heeeeeeey...

 

[L1aei]

How may i be of help?

Thanks for offering to help @Achillie . Before anything else, could you tell me what you thought of the opening scene or name one specific thing that stood out to you in the first chapter?

 

[L1aei]

thanks for the note. I thought the opening scene did a great job establishing the mood and voice. If I had to offer a small tweak, I’d consider tone and voice and the plotting, but overall I’m enjoying the setup.

Thanks. When you mention tone, voice, or plotting, could you point to a specific moment or line in the opening scene you're referring to? Which mood? Which voice? Office rom-com? Melancholy grind? Espresso-fueled banter? Enjoying what, exactly? Characters? Premise? Opening beat? The coffee machine?

 

[Wamba2K]

thanks for the note. I thought the opening scene did a great job establishing the mood and voice. If I had to offer a small tweak, I’d consider tone and voice and the plotting, but overall I’m enjoying the setup.

Incredible insight. I like how you say the voice is great and immediately suggest tweaking it.

Anyway, this story looks adorable. Def saving.

 

[Wamba2K]

That's fine, Hope you have gotten a beta reader for this?

Are you genuinely an ai chatbot?

 

[L1aei]

Are you genuinely an ai chatbot?

Nonono, let @bety cook. I wanna see sparks.

 

[L1aei]

Who are you?

Somebody worse than you.

 

[Eldoria]

Somebody worse than you.

Why do these people enter the forum area? They usually just flood the novel's comment sections.

 

[L1aei]

Why do these people enter the forum area? They usually just flood the novel's comment sections.

No idea, but it is rather fun to play with them.

 

[Eldoria]

No idea, but it is rather fun to play with them.

It's so sad... we don't even need the frills of collaboration to provide feedback to other authors. We provide feedback freely as a token of our concern as fellow authors.

 

[unlaumy]

This looks interesting. I'll try reading it and give a feedback later.

Other than that, I do have a question if there are readers on ScribbleHub that are into cliche romance like this? It doesn't have incredible fantasy world-building, action packed scenes or complex magic systems and is just... a normal story with very normal characters, so yeah, just wondering if there's hope for me to get at least six to ten loyal readers <:

There are quite many popular non-fantasy stories on SH. Don't worry about it. I think office romance is somewhat rare here, but I think it's more of there's only few writers rather than it having no audience. Just write consistently, and I'm sure you'll get loyal readers.

 

[L1aei]

Heyya, my story is set in an office, not a CEO x assistant/subordinate kind of story, just two normal co-workers falling for each other and I'd like some feedback on my writing.

My descriptions aren't that detailed so I just want to know whether readers can still imagine the whole office and setting fully, feel free to give it a quick read or just skim through the first chapter.

Lattes & Love ( check it out! )

Other than that, I do have a question if there are readers on ScribbleHub that are into cliche romance like this? It doesn't have incredible fantasy world-building, action packed scenes or complex magic systems and is just... a normal story with very normal characters, so yeah, just wondering if there's hope for me to get at least six to ten loyal readers <:

Okay, derailed this thread too far. Let me get it back on topic.

So the descriptions are sufficient for your genre, at least in my opinion. Others may say otherwise, but you got me backing you up here. And you are correct that the physical descriptions aren't all too heavy, but for a character-driven office romance, they don't need to be. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. The office vibe? That's successfully established through action rather than anyone's prescripted architectural fluff they learned from a know-it-all.

Look, readers can easily visualize the setting through details like the cubicle neighbor interactions you provided, and the rush for the elevator? Setting that at 8:00 AM is relatable and I am not a morning person. I can also visualize the transparent doors of the meeting rooms. That's cliche, but it's cliche for a reason; they exist in almost every office.

Now, you effectively used sensory cues. Lemme think for a moment... You know, such as the smell of sanitizers? The stingy ones approved by hospitals filled with more alcohol than moisture that'll leave your hands dry. But you included the scent of Vanilla wrapped in rich coffee beans, which does more to build the world rather than you going out of the way describing the color of the carpet ever would. Kudos!

Now, you asked a question about SH. So, yes, there is hope for loyal readers. While this place is absolutely obese with LitRPG, Isekai, and Fantasy, do not sell the Slice of Life short. It is a popular genre here too and there is an audience for it.

Putting that aside, you got here two leads and they are excellent. Jasmine is... sorry if this sounds offensive, but she's got a robotic efficiency. At least that is what I got from her breaking down spreadsheets like it was an elementary exercise. It balances perfectly with Scott's chaotic, people-pleasing nature.

I did catch a grammar, but it is "a" mistake, so you are excellent in that department. Here, do a ctrl-f and locate "Mistakes slows efficiency" as that should be "Mistakes slow efficiency." Not a plural. There might be more mistakes, but if so, I was too into it to catch them.

Hope this helps and I apologize for derailing your thread with my nonsense!

 

[Achillie]

This looks interesting. I'll try reading it and give a feedback later.


There are quite many popular non-fantasy stories on SH. Don't worry about it. I think office romance is somewhat rare here, but I think it's more of there's only few writers rather than it having no audience. Just write consistently, and I'm sure you'll get loyal readers.

That really is a relief for me to hear at the end of the day writing consistently is the only way to grow here (and also personally enjoying it lol)

Okay, derailed this thread too far. Let me get it back on topic.

So the descriptions are sufficient for your genre, at least in my opinion. Others may say otherwise, but you got me backing you up here. And you are correct that the physical descriptions aren't all too heavy, but for a character-driven office romance, they don't need to be. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. The office vibe? That's successfully established through action rather than anyone's prescripted architectural fluff they learned from a know-it-all.

Look, readers can easily visualize the setting through details like the cubicle neighbor interactions you provided, and the rush for the elevator? Setting that at 8:00 AM is relatable and I am not a morning person. I can also visualize the transparent doors of the meeting rooms. That's cliche, but it's cliche for a reason; they exist in almost every office.

Now, you effectively used sensory cues. Lemme think for a moment... You know, such as the smell of sanitizers? The stingy ones approved by hospitals filled with more alcohol than moisture that'll leave your hands dry. But you included the scent of Vanilla wrapped in rich coffee beans, which does more to build the world rather than you going out of the way describing the color of the carpet ever would. Kudos!

Now, you asked a question about SH. So, yes, there is hope for loyal readers. While this place is absolutely obese with LitRPG, Isekai, and Fantasy, do not sell the Slice of Life short. It is a popular genre here too and there is an audience for it.

Putting that aside, you got here two leads and they are excellent. Jasmine is... sorry if this sounds offensive, but she's got a robotic efficiency. At least that is what I got from her breaking down spreadsheets like it was an elementary exercise. It balances perfectly with Scott's chaotic, people-pleasing nature.

I did catch a grammar, but it is "a" mistake, so you are excellent in that department. Here, do a ctrl-f and locate "Mistakes slows efficiency" as that should be "Mistakes slow efficiency." Not a plural. There might be more mistakes, but if so, I was too into it to catch them.

Hope this helps and I apologize for derailing your thread with my nonsense!

THANK YOU SO MUCH I've been overthinking my writing these days and had to search around whether complex descriptions was needed or not. ALSO that is exactly how I wanted to portray Jasmine as! It wasn't offensive at all, so I'm really happy that her character was properly communicated to readers

I'll fix the mistake rn, so thank you for pointing it out!! <3

(and dont worry about derailing the thread, it was funny lmao)

 

[L1aei]

THANK YOU SO MUCH I've been overthinking my writing these days and had to search around whether complex descriptions was needed or not. ALSO that is exactly how I wanted to portray Jasmine as! It wasn't offensive at all, so I'm really happy that her character was properly communicated to readers

I'll fix the mistake rn, so thank you for pointing it out!! <3

(and dont worry about derailing the thread, it was funny lmao)

Glad to see that I was both amusing and supportive for you; that's a relief.

 

[Makimaam]

The prose reads clean and accessible. I enjoy office romance, so there’s that. Although if I were to add one line of critique, it would be this line that stretches the suspension of disbelief:

and spoke with the coldness of someone who sees everyone as nothing but ants.

I mean, if your MC were a CEO or a director, sure. But she is an intern, and there is a certain expectation placed on interns. No one, regardless of their true personality, would waltz into an office full of seniors and speak to them as if they were ants. It may seem like a minor quibble, but it actually reduces the likability of your MC a notch. There are nuances in office dynamics that one must adhere to, and since we are not writing fantasy, the behaviour should at least be somewhat believable.

 

[L1aei]

I mean, if your MC were a CEO or a director, sure. But she is an intern, and there is a certain expectation placed on interns. No one, regardless of their true personality, would waltz into an office full of seniors and speak to them as if they were ants. It may seem like a minor quibble, but it actually reduces the likability of your MC a notch. There are nuances in office dynamics that one must adhere to, and since we are not writing fantasy, the behaviour should at least be somewhat believable.

Jasmine is not an intern anymore; she is a full-time analyst who was an intern for eight months and an analyst for a year and a half... at best. And she acts this way because she is hyper-focused on efficiency (remember my grammar correction about "Mistakes slows efficiency"?).

Almost forgot. She does respect hierarchy. Look at when she is agreeing to Raj's request like, well, immediately. Then there is that time she's trying to compromise with the manager... was it Olivia? I think that was her name.

 

[Makimaam]

Jasmine is not an intern anymore; she is a full-time analyst who was an intern for eight months and an analyst for a year and a half... at best. And she acts this way because she is hyper-focused on efficiency (remember my grammar correction about "Mistakes slows efficiency"?).

Lol what’s the difference?

It would be utterly naive to believe that work skills alone get you up the corporate ladder. Unless she has backup, I stand my ground. That ant line belongs in the paragraph where they talk about her internship. Regardless, a junior analyst is still dispensable.

 

[L1aei]

Lol what’s the difference?

It would be utterly naive to believe that work skills alone get you up the corporate ladder. Unless she has backup, I stand my ground. That ant line belongs in the paragraph where they talk about her internship. Regardless, a junior analyst is still dispensable.

You know what a simile is, right? That "ant" line described her tone, not her dialogue. She is detached and robotic, as @Achillie confirmed. She isn't insubordinate; she is just socially cold. In the actual scenes, she is helpful to Lila, compromises with Olivia, and agrees to Raj's request immediately. She is not verbally abusing people; she's just not warm.

Look, you claimed she required backup? She's got it. She's receiving it from three different people, but let me break it down to the specifics.

1. There is a part explicitly telling us she takes over work from people who are unbelievably slow.
2. Raj admits he ain't confident enough with the big task and dumps it on her.
3. We've got Scotty-boy here slack on the sloppy sides of things.
4. In a real office space, the employee who quietly fixes everyone else's mistakes and never takes a break, well, they get away with being justifiably grumpy because the office would fall apart without them. That is her leverage, got it?

She's an Ice Queen that'll gradually melt to the heartthrob in the story.

From what I gather off of your comment, to be clear not you specifically, it's definitely moving the goalposts off of your first argument about "Interns can't do that," but after I corrected the timeline of Jasmine not being an intern, this shifted to "Well, Junior Analysts can't do that either."

Keep in mind, this is a lighthearted office romance, not a serious corporate documentary. And even if it were, it's plausible that she'd exist in reality. How far she'd go with that attitude? Who knows. It's only six chapters in. Let's see where this goes before passing judgement on how "real" this fiction is.

 

[Achillie]

The prose reads clean and accessible. I enjoy office romance, so there’s that. Although if I were to add one line of critique, it would be this line that stretches the suspension of disbelief:



I mean, if your MC were a CEO or a director, sure. But she is an intern, and there is a certain expectation placed on interns. No one, regardless of their true personality, would waltz into an office full of seniors and speak to them as if they were ants. It may seem like a minor quibble, but it actually reduces the likability of your MC a notch. There are nuances in office dynamics that one must adhere to, and since we are not writing fantasy, the behaviour should at least be somewhat believable.

Noted! My only knowledge on office politics is limited to my own observations through reading other office-setting stories and well, my family members lol but yeah I'll definitely give some more thoughts on that

Other than that, yes, Jasmine is supposed to be somewhat unlikeable especially in the beginning, more so to the people around her (especially the higher ups who just doesn't like her personality). It is supposed to be a lighthearted story and I just thought it'd be funny to have an inhumanely amazing employee that does work so good nobody would want to fire them yet so bad at everything that requires some form of emotional connection and understanding

But again, thanks for the feedback! I deifnitely have a lot more to learn on things that involves an office setting