Offering Critiques [Open for submissions, adult works welcome]

[goth_dropping_in]

Hey, This might be something a bit different for you to critique _feel free to dissect it.
Projecto GHOST_Divison Phantom

This kind of mil-fic is not really my genre - it always seems too over-wrought and machismo-saturated - and as such, I bounced off this fairly quickly for those exact features, which I suppose are just part of the genre. Use quotation marks for speech, not em dashes. Overall it's fine, just not really to my tastes. You might have better luck with a different platform.

Hello! It's my first time writting and publishing online. How I would love if you could give your opnion and how I could improve.

I feel like every chapter should have 2.000 words but it's a bit trickey do accomplish it.What you think about it.
Sorry for any spelling mistakes, English is not my first language

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1909103/anton-markons-the-seconds-anniversary/

You've got head-hopping in your prologue, and several missing punctuation marks. The centred speech is weird too. Your formatting as a whole throws me off and makes it hard for me to immerse myself in the story. You fail to capture me with your first chapter - it feels fairly generic as an intro, and I don't feel attached to the characters because they haven't demonstrated much personality beyond 'generic action hero.' Overall this falls flat for me. Needs reworks for formatting and for details of the story.

Somehow, I missed this.

I would love it if you could look at my novel if you are still up to it.

Nowhere to Run

Nina is a young priestess who has just begun her journeys through the highlands, ancient home of the Clans. But unknown powers are scheming in the darkness, and everything falls apart when the barbaric Northmen suddenly come looking for her. Being too weak to fight, she will have to resort...

www.scribblehub.com

Why is everything centred?

Your first chapter is pretty solid, and I'm surprised you went there regarding the depiction of rape; it's handled well, I particularly like that not everyone in the opposing force is in favour of the act. Your beginning is slow, not because you don't have action, but because you haven't got your protagonist's personality onto the page because she's too busy running in fear for her life; I initially bounced off the first few paragraphs because I didn't have sufficient context for what was happening.

I think that this is a pretty bold opening - definitely it says something about what kind of story this is, pretty gritty - and it successfully caught my attention and made me wonder what the protagonist is going to do to get out of this one. In particular I think that it works because it's not afraid to up the stakes - having something so obviously bad happen to the protagonist in the first chapter demonstrates that you're willing to not pull your punches, and that's a promise that your readers will appreciate if you keep to it, given the genre.

Overall, I would say it works, and readers who are more captured by action are likely to appreciate this opening more than I am. This doesn't feel like my genre, but I'm drawn in anyway. I hope you keep writing and keep building on this foundation!

Hi, I am writing a fanfiction, and any feedback will be much appreciated. I have tried changing my writing style in the latest chapters and will be doing a rewrite for the earlier chapters as well. I just wanted to know your thoughts on it so I can improve further. Is it wrong to make bonds in a dungeon? Thanks!

I don't know this canon, but as someone who doesn't... I find that your first chapter is mostly moving plot furniture that I have come to expect from the isekai genre - hit by truck, is self-inserted to fictional universe, blah blah. The alternate universe self is a small twist but I've seen it done enough times that I don't feel captured by it. Overall, your first chapter doesn't hook me, mostly because it feels pretty generic. You could have skipped all of this first chapter and done it in retrospect and nothing significant would have been lost, in my opinion.

I hope you can give me feedback on the story I wrote after a long time of not writing, because I believe people's feedback can help me improve my writing.

Koko, Akuyaku Reijou ga Oosuginai?!

Weak start, in my opinion. Not enough context for me to know why any of the intro matters. The intro with the ceo's daughter doesn't capture me. I feel like your style is too sparse and lingers too long on things that feel trivial. You then cut over the isekai, which doesn't work for me; I get that these things are supposed to create mystery, but for me they mostly create impatience for you to get on with the story.

I think you could do with showing a little more and telling a little less. I'm not really captured by your scenario; it feels fairly generic and fails to stand out from the crowd.

 

[Bartun]

Why is everything centred?

Cuz why not?

 

[goth_dropping_in]

Cuz why not?

Honestly, I don't have a good argument against it except "it turned me off the work a little." Likely this is simply because it's unconventional.

You don't have to change it, but it disrupted my reading experience and I feel you'd see more readers without it.

 

[amoralgoose]

The thread is presently open for submissions. I critique one piece per person per post. If you post multiple works together I will only critique the first one. Please wait for at least 4 other critiques to pass before presenting a second piece or presenting the same (revised) piece again.

My trip is now over, so I'm doing crits as a distraction from feeling sad about it being done. Feeling a little more interested in new pieces right now, you might get me to read multiple chapters.

Oh, and I'm going to say it here in the opening: I accept erotica for critique. Haven't been able to find someone willing to read your smut? Toss it over here and I'll crit it. I believe smut can and should be worked on for quality, both for heat impact and for plot progression.



Common Advice Section:
These are things that are my most common complaints. I'll add more items here over time, this is just the stuff that floats to the top of my mind from multiple pieces I've seen.

- Character, then Action, then Setting
I need to empathize with the character to have an attachment to them in order to care about their conflict. I need action to animate the character that I like and challenge them. I need setting to give something for the character to move through and push off of. Getting these three things in the right one-two-three order helps most beginnings a lot.

- Cut the Prologue
A lot of authors will start with setting - some distant set of godly characters debating the fate of the main protagonist, or an overview of the world, or an "it all started with X" as a retrospective from the characters, etc. I tend to find such things slow and not a good way to hook my interest. I want a viewpoint character that I can empathize with, and by putting setting first, I tend to slide off.

- Failure to "save the cat"
Particularly in darker works with grey morality or villain protagonists, it's necessary to illustrate the protagonist having some redeeming quality in order for me to latch on to them. This is not the case for all readers - gritty things are just generally not my genre - but darker works need to make me empathize with the protagonist somehow, and the best way for them to do that is to show them performing some real kindness for someone or something else. This is the "Save The Cat" of Save The Cat.

- Failure to read the genre that you're writing in
Generally, when people produce stuff that feels unoriginal, I trace it back to a feeling that they haven't deeply read the genre they're writing in and don't know its conventions well enough to subvert them or put a twist on them. Read what you write, at least deeply enough to get an idea of what the mainstays of your genre are. Otherwise you'll produce something that's been done a hundred times before.

- Squishy third-person point of view
Third-person point of view needs to sound like it's in the voice of some specific character. For third-person limited, this should be the voice of the character whose thoughts we're following. For third-person omniscient, it should sound like the voice of a specific narrator character, who is distinct from the other characters in the story but follows them at a distance. Such a narrator may be named or unnamed. See Lemony Snicket of A Series of Unfortunate Events for this done obviously and well.

- Use of epithets
An epithet is something like "the blonde woman" or "the soldier" - a way of referring to a character by their physical traits or position. These are usually a bad sign, though you can get away with them sometimes in limited third-person. In general, these confuse the reader and make the piece harder to read because the reader has to take a moment longer to process the epithet and decide which character it belongs to. Avoid these where you can, especially ones based on hair colour.


Original OP below:

Good timezone to you all. I am a long-time [~1 decade low intensity, ~5 years high intensity] hobbyist writer, originating in a roleplay and erotic roleplay scene and then branching out towards more long-form pieces. I completed my first novel-length piece worth the name in 2023 and have completed several additional pieces since, ranging from novels to novellas. I specialize in lesbian romance and erotica and have recently moved to Scribblehub from a smaller writing community.

I want to hone my critical eye, so I'm here to offer critiques.

My strengths as a writer are in character work and character relationships; I'm weaker at description and pacing. Keep this in mind regarding my advice.

Rules:
- I will always critique your title, cover, and synopsis (or blurb). I will then read as much of your story as it takes to lose my attention, and critique it up to that point.

- If you turn me off in your first chapter I will try to struggle through to the end of it, but I'll only turn the page and read chapter two if I think it's got something worth reading.

- If you hook me and I enjoy your series, I'll come back to it and read more of it, but reserve the right to stop critiquing at the end of chapter three.

- First come first served. I reserve the right to not review someone's work for any reason, but I'll try to reserve that clause for people who are obvious jerks. Trying to get me to read a 20,000 word novella (or really anything excessively long) by sticking it in as your single first chapter is a jerk move, and will likely result in use of this clause.

- I'll try not to le epic roast you, and if your work has strengths I'll try to point them out. That said, if your work is not enjoyable for me I will tell you that clearly and directly.

- This is a hobby for me, and it may take me time to get to your work, particularly if many people are in line ahead of you. Please be polite and respect my time.

I’d love to get any critique on this one! I’ve been planning this one for a while and so far it has only existed as a draft, so I thought I might break the dry spell and get it out there. The synopsis is pretty general, since I’m not even set on a title yet lol

Ta Erôtika, Or, Virtue Ethics in Times of Mess and Mayhem [working title]

[Proof of concept at the moment, please give feedback if you feel inclined!] Dark academia, but make it sexy. East St. Jude, Vermont. Spring, 2018. The illustrious Hawthorne University has suffered a terrible tragedy. Elliot Hayes floats in a nihilistic fever dream, Ekene Ahmadi still has the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Quirk]

would appreciate your take on mine

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1904113/the-last-spark/

 

[servo]

Here you go — one last time, major rewrites.
Epics of Tarronia: Fire & Shadow


You can skip the Interlude and read chapter 1,2 and 3— you’ve already read the interlude.


Thanks again,
Servo

 

[Hads]

If you have the time, a critique of my first few chapters would be appreciated. I'm trying to keep the pacing slow, as I think the main character would become too overpowered and the story would have nowhere to go. My wife has been reviewing it, but it isn't her cup of tea.

Additionally being 3 chapters in, gives me a chance to adapt if required.

Game Master in Another World

Geoff is a forever Dungeon Master who takes pride in keeping his players entertained. His games run smoothly thanks to careful preparation and a flair for storytelling. But after what seems like a normal day, Geoff awakens in another world as a formless entity, able only to move and observe....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[_StrayCat_]

I'm curious what you'd think of my first three chapters of Under Quiet Skies, I'm always interested in getting feedback on my story. Thanks for your time if you get to it!

Under Quiet Skies

For generations, storms were the lifeblood of the world. Within their heart surged Kaida, an energy that falls from the skies, harvested by sifters and refined to build the barriers that kept civilizations safe from Murasi, the faceless horrors born of a chaotic energy called Mura. But the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Talon88.1]

Shadows in the Sand (Warhammer 40,000)

He came from the sand and the silence, carrying yesterday's ghosts. On Morrak II — a forgotten world choked by dust storms and old war-wounds — survival is a daily negotiation with hunger, rust, and the whims of machine-priests who no longer understand their own relics. Elissa Brandt has kept...

www.scribblehub.com

Always looking for feedback to improve, so any help is welcome :D

 

[danielnewwyn]

Hi! I've just posed the first 2 chapters of my new book. If you have spare time, I'd love to hear what you think!

Maximum Intimidation Knight In a World Full of Mages

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

Here is my OG work I started instead of my fanfics. It is a choose your own adventure style writing, where I give my readers options on how we will proceed with the narrative, then after some votes come in, I write.

It has a foreword you can probably skip as it is just a tag explanation, and prologue which is my setup and intro to "The Narrator" character.

Chap 1-4 are the lead up to chap 5 which is the *start* of the story.

The Narrator | Scribble Hub

 

[goth_dropping_in]

I’d love to get any critique on this one! I’ve been planning this one for a while and so far it has only existed as a draft, so I thought I might break the dry spell and get it out there. The synopsis is pretty general, since I’m not even set on a title yet lol

Ta Erôtika, Or, Virtue Ethics in Times of Mess and Mayhem [working title]

[Proof of concept at the moment, please give feedback if you feel inclined!] Dark academia, but make it sexy. East St. Jude, Vermont. Spring, 2018. The illustrious Hawthorne University has suffered a terrible tragedy. Elliot Hayes floats in a nihilistic fever dream, Ekene Ahmadi still has the...

www.scribblehub.com

Your whole prologue is a promise of a story and not a story. Cut it, it's not worth including; it doesn't characterize Elliot strongly imo and it doesn't give me much setting or action to chew on.

Skipping ahead to chapter two... Fine, sure, implications, but these chapters are tiny. You need more meat on these bones if you're going to hook anyone. Even chapter three doesn't really grab me; it doesn't draw me into a mood of rumination and contemplation, it just makes me want you to get on with things. The plot happenings feel predictable and you seem to be beating around the bush excessively despite having very few words on the page. I understand you're trying to draw me into a contemplative/ominous mood by getting me into the head of your protagonist, but your sketch of the happenings is insufficiently unique to make me feel it works. You need to get me closer to your protagonist's emotional reactions, rather than boring me with dry dusty sketches of his thoughts.

would appreciate your take on mine

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1904113/the-last-spark/

Your cover immediately turns me off, I think because it has the feel of AI/like you haven't figured out what's unique about your piece.

Your prose is stark and enconomical - too much so, I think. I find myself wishing for longer paragraphs to break up all these single short sentences. Your selection of details is good, but you fail to weave them together to form a tapestry; instead I am left with a fleeting set of sense impressions that don't quite cohere together or feel like one thing.

You hooked me at the start, but I slid off it because the story started to feel predictable and your style was too empty of scenery and space.

Here you go — one last time, major rewrites.
Epics of Tarronia: Fire & Shadow


You can skip the Interlude and read chapter 1,2 and 3— you’ve already read the interlude.


Thanks again,
Servo

Kicking this to the back of the line for the moment, will look at it later when I have more time.

If you have the time, a critique of my first few chapters would be appreciated. I'm trying to keep the pacing slow, as I think the main character would become too overpowered and the story would have nowhere to go. My wife has been reviewing it, but it isn't her cup of tea.

Additionally being 3 chapters in, gives me a chance to adapt if required.

Game Master in Another World

Geoff is a forever Dungeon Master who takes pride in keeping his players entertained. His games run smoothly thanks to careful preparation and a flair for storytelling. But after what seems like a normal day, Geoff awakens in another world as a formless entity, able only to move and observe....

www.scribblehub.com

Your opening does not hook me, because you are describing something wholly ordinary and rather uninteresting. I know plenty of people who game master, and plenty of people who are software engineers; telling me your protagonist does both doesn't really illuminate his character much beyond "vaguely nerdy." You then give me a page of them playing the game in a totally ordinary way.

To which I respond: This is boring as heck. I don't care how this fictional RPG party does in a story, if I wanted to see that kind of content I could watch Matt Mercer. You fail to capture me with the uniqueness of your story and I lose interest fast.

I'm curious what you'd think of my first three chapters of Under Quiet Skies, I'm always interested in getting feedback on my story. Thanks for your time if you get to it!

Under Quiet Skies

For generations, storms were the lifeblood of the world. Within their heart surged Kaida, an energy that falls from the skies, harvested by sifters and refined to build the barriers that kept civilizations safe from Murasi, the faceless horrors born of a chaotic energy called Mura. But the...

www.scribblehub.com

Honestly, this feels very samey to many other fantasy stories I've read. Scarce magical resource is good at fightan bad gribblies but is running out what do. I'm uninterested in yet another magic what blows things up good; I want something with more interesting applications, none of which are on display here.

Overall, does not grab me, sorry. I think you could stand to read some Brandon Sanderson or Terry Pratchett.

Shadows in the Sand (Warhammer 40,000)

He came from the sand and the silence, carrying yesterday's ghosts. On Morrak II — a forgotten world choked by dust storms and old war-wounds — survival is a daily negotiation with hunger, rust, and the whims of machine-priests who no longer understand their own relics. Elissa Brandt has kept...

www.scribblehub.com

Always looking for feedback to improve, so any help is welcome :D

This has some real potential. Elissa strikes me as an interesting protagonist; I worry that her function may devolve to being the heretek's ishmael or watson, but as a person she carries some dignity and strength in her. I am particularly interested that you are writing a female protagonist who is not a twentysomething but actually has some weight of years and time on her.

The actual beginning is serviceable, but not so good that it hooked me the whole time. I feel that Elissa's role being mostly to goggle at the stranger and get out of his way is a bit of a disservice to her. Some readers might not be turned off by this, but for me personally I feel a little like Elissa is being unfairly sidelined.

Hi! I've just posed the first 2 chapters of my new book. If you have spare time, I'd love to hear what you think!

Maximum Intimidation Knight In a World Full of Mages

This is fun. I like the knight confusing INT (intelligence) with INT (intimidation), that's clever. A lot of isekai series fail to find a spark that catches, but this feels like it has a sense of where it's going and a sense of humor. Added to reading list. Keep doing what you're doing, you'll get there if you keep updating.

Here is my OG work I started instead of my fanfics. It is a choose your own adventure style writing, where I give my readers options on how we will proceed with the narrative, then after some votes come in, I write.

It has a foreword you can probably skip as it is just a tag explanation, and prologue which is my setup and intro to "The Narrator" character.

Chap 1-4 are the lead up to chap 5 which is the *start* of the story.

The Narrator | Scribble Hub

Honestly, this just makes me sigh. It feels like it's trying to be clever, but fails to capture my attention due to clunky style and you-the-author speaking to me-the-reader 'in character.' I've seen a lot of quest-style writing in the past, and this does not feel like a strong example.

You should go read, for example, Divided Loyalties. Or The Erogamer (it's on Questionable Questing, which requires login, or I'd link it too.)

 

[Hads]

Your opening does not hook me, because you are describing something wholly ordinary and rather uninteresting. I know plenty of people who game master, and plenty of people who are software engineers; telling me your protagonist does both doesn't really illuminate his character much beyond "vaguely nerdy." You then give me a page of them playing the game in a totally ordinary way.

To which I respond: This is boring as heck. I don't care how this fictional RPG party does in a story, if I wanted to see that kind of content I could watch Matt Mercer. You fail to capture me with the uniqueness of your story and I

Thanks for that, I'll have a go at reworking that chapter or even removing it all together.

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

You should go read, for example, Divided Loyalties. Or The Erogamer (it's on Questionable Questing, which requires login, or I'd link it too.)

Thanks,

I am just starting, but I can see what you mean.

I read something from....30+ years ago that did a similar theme as what I am doing, not the magic etc, but date time place thing, and I thought I could emulate it well. Apparently not. Still I will slowly work away at this, see if I can improve it while moving my narrative forward as it is my OG, not just something I'm building within already established worlds.

If you want a better idea of what I am capable off, check out The Deity Entertainment Network, DEN, in my sig block. I have been told that is my best work so far.

Or dont, I dont know what you got going on lol

 

[Talon88.1]

Your whole prologue is a promise of a story and not a story. Cut it, it's not worth including; it doesn't characterize Elliot strongly imo and it doesn't give me much setting or action to chew on.

Skipping ahead to chapter two... Fine, sure, implications, but these chapters are tiny. You need more meat on these bones if you're going to hook anyone. Even chapter three doesn't really grab me; it doesn't draw me into a mood of rumination and contemplation, it just makes me want you to get on with things. The plot happenings feel predictable and you seem to be beating around the bush excessively despite having very few words on the page. I understand you're trying to draw me into a contemplative/ominous mood by getting me into the head of your protagonist, but your sketch of the happenings is insufficiently unique to make me feel it works. You need to get me closer to your protagonist's emotional reactions, rather than boring me with dry dusty sketches of his thoughts.


Your cover immediately turns me off, I think because it has the feel of AI/like you haven't figured out what's unique about your piece.

Your prose is stark and enconomical - too much so, I think. I find myself wishing for longer paragraphs to break up all these single short sentences. Your selection of details is good, but you fail to weave them together to form a tapestry; instead I am left with a fleeting set of sense impressions that don't quite cohere together or feel like one thing.

You hooked me at the start, but I slid off it because the story started to feel predictable and your style was too empty of scenery and space.


Kicking this to the back of the line for the moment, will look at it later when I have more time.


Your opening does not hook me, because you are describing something wholly ordinary and rather uninteresting. I know plenty of people who game master, and plenty of people who are software engineers; telling me your protagonist does both doesn't really illuminate his character much beyond "vaguely nerdy." You then give me a page of them playing the game in a totally ordinary way.

To which I respond: This is boring as heck. I don't care how this fictional RPG party does in a story, if I wanted to see that kind of content I could watch Matt Mercer. You fail to capture me with the uniqueness of your story and I lose interest fast.


Honestly, this feels very samey to many other fantasy stories I've read. Scarce magical resource is good at fightan bad gribblies but is running out what do. I'm uninterested in yet another magic what blows things up good; I want something with more interesting applications, none of which are on display here.

Overall, does not grab me, sorry. I think you could stand to read some Brandon Sanderson or Terry Pratchett.


This has some real potential. Elissa strikes me as an interesting protagonist; I worry that her function may devolve to being the heretek's ishmael or watson, but as a person she carries some dignity and strength in her. I am particularly interested that you are writing a female protagonist who is not a twentysomething but actually has some weight of years and time on her.

The actual beginning is serviceable, but not so good that it hooked me the whole time. I feel that Elissa's role being mostly to goggle at the stranger and get out of his way is a bit of a disservice to her. Some readers might not be turned off by this, but for me personally I feel a little like Elissa is being unfairly sidelined.


This is fun. I like the knight confusing INT (intelligence) with INT (intimidation), that's clever. A lot of isekai series fail to find a spark that catches, but this feels like it has a sense of where it's going and a sense of humor. Added to reading list. Keep doing what you're doing, you'll get there if you keep updating.


Honestly, this just makes me sigh. It feels like it's trying to be clever, but fails to capture my attention due to clunky style and you-the-author speaking to me-the-reader 'in character.' I've seen a lot of quest-style writing in the past, and this does not feel like a strong example.

You should go read, for example, Divided Loyalties. Or The Erogamer (it's on Questionable Questing, which requires login, or I'd link it too.)

Elissa is not meant to be a side character, but a co-protag. The early chapters are meant to help establish the characters and setting, which is why I stay out of Koron's POV for over thirteen chapters till I drop the revelations of who and what he is.

And yeah, a mother with a history, a family of her own, and a town looking to her as the leader when all hell breaks loose felt much more unique and fun. IDK how far into the story you went, but I THINK (Hope) that I resolve those issues as the story progresses, pretty rapidly too.

 

[Humanistheart]

I wouldn’t mind some feedback on either of these.
This is more of a smut one, but it has what I think to be a delightfully intriguing plot line.

Cameron To Candy - Chapter 1: The Misfired Spell | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Or set in the same universe a neurodivergent girls journey through courtship, bullies and surprising allies.

You Are Entering Paddlewick - The Peach of Petalik: The Courtship of Mirabelle Tansy | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

You Are Entering Paddlewick - The Peach of Petalik (PoP) Chapter 2: Enter the Goose | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Dazzlingstarr]

Can you review mine?

I Accidentally Bound My Boss’s Soul

Chosen. Bound. Betrayed. Heaven sent you to spy on the cold, perfect Sect Master of Cloudrest Peak—an immortal feared for his power and silence. Your mission was simple: watch him. Report him. Destroy him if ordered. But when a heavenly relic flares at your touch, revealing you share the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[esfirS]

"I'm in the process of translating my completed book into English. With four chapters already published, I'd truly appreciate any thoughts on whether the translation feels smooth and engaging enough to continue

Wrong on Purpose: Fake love, seasoned with secrets and crime

 

[goth_dropping_in]

I wouldn’t mind some feedback on either of these.
This is more of a smut one, but it has what I think to be a delightfully intriguing plot line.

Cameron To Candy - Chapter 1: The Misfired Spell | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Or set in the same universe a neurodivergent girls journey through courtship, bullies and surprising allies.

You Are Entering Paddlewick - The Peach of Petalik: The Courtship of Mirabelle Tansy | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

You Are Entering Paddlewick - The Peach of Petalik (PoP) Chapter 2: Enter the Goose | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Oh, this is wickedly sharp. I love your premise, I love the details you work in regarding how women are treated in this society, and the setting feels real enough to capture my interest while functioning as a biting satire. You're an author after my own heart, and I wish you well; you show bravery in your writing and a lovely sense of humour.

Have you, by any chance, read Avery Alder's Perfect? Because this feels cut from much the same mould. Perfect is one of my favourite pieces of writing, so anything that draws me to compare to it makes me smile. I wish you luck on your journey forward and hope you keep producing works for years to come.

 

[pangmida]

Would you be willing to critique my story again? Last time my chapters were of gargantuan length, and I have since cut them into proper 2k-3k words. Totally fine if not!!