Does This Story Pull You In? Feedback Appreciated!

C0NSTELLATIONBEANS

New member
Joined
Aug 24, 2025
Messages
10
Points
3
Good evening Everyone!

I’m working on a story and would love some honest feedback, especially from quiet readers!

Here’s a taste from my prologue:

Dane never imagined his new job would pull him into a world of shadows. Hired by Kaelen the man the town whispers about as “The Hollow Heart” he steps into the grand, gloomy manor and immediately senses that something isn’t right. One by one, tragedies unfold, each thread leading toward the same chilling source: a piece of paper, just out of sight.



Read the full chapter here if you want! : https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1821898/the-piece-of-paper/

Just a heads-up: the story is intentionally don't make complete sense right away part of the fun is piecing it together yourself!

I’d especially love thoughts on:

Pacing and detail is it too much, too little, or just right?

Do the characters’ actions and dialogue feel natural, or do they sometimes seem forced?

Do the shifts in perspective make sense?

Does the story feel like a puzzle you want to solve, or is it confusing in a frustrating way?



Thank you so much for reading and sharing your honest thoughts!
 
Last edited:

em0984

Member
Joined
Feb 1, 2025
Messages
1
Points
18
Well i read the synopsis and the first chapter so far. I usually like mystery and stuff soo the story is interesting to me. I might post another reply if i read more :D
 

C0NSTELLATIONBEANS

New member
Joined
Aug 24, 2025
Messages
10
Points
3
Good evening Everyone!

I’m working on a story and would love some honest feedback, especially from quiet readers!

Here’s a taste from my prologue:

Dane never imagined his new job would pull him into a world of shadows. Hired by Kaelen the man the town whispers about as “The Hollow Heart” he steps into the grand, gloomy manor and immediately senses that something isn’t right. One by one, tragedies unfold, each thread leading toward the same chilling source: a piece of paper, just out of sight.



Read the full chapter here if you want! : https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1821898/the-piece-of-paper/

Just a heads-up: the story is intentionally don't make complete sense right away part of the fun is piecing it together yourself!

I’d especially love thoughts on:

Pacing and detail is it too much, too little, or just right?

Do the characters’ actions and dialogue feel natural, or do they sometimes seem forced?

Do the shifts in perspective make sense?

Does the story feel like a puzzle you want to solve, or is it confusing in a frustrating way?



Thank you so much for reading and sharing your honest thoughts!
Bumping for visibility! #1
 

C0NSTELLATIONBEANS

New member
Joined
Aug 24, 2025
Messages
10
Points
3
Good evening Everyone!

I’m working on a story and would love some honest feedback, especially from quiet readers!

Here’s a taste from my prologue:

Dane never imagined his new job would pull him into a world of shadows. Hired by Kaelen the man the town whispers about as “The Hollow Heart” he steps into the grand, gloomy manor and immediately senses that something isn’t right. One by one, tragedies unfold, each thread leading toward the same chilling source: a piece of paper, just out of sight.



Read the full chapter here if you want! : https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1821898/the-piece-of-paper/

Just a heads-up: the story is intentionally don't make complete sense right away part of the fun is piecing it together yourself!

I’d especially love thoughts on:

Pacing and detail is it too much, too little, or just right?

Do the characters’ actions and dialogue feel natural, or do they sometimes seem forced?

Do the shifts in perspective make sense?

Does the story feel like a puzzle you want to solve, or is it confusing in a frustrating way?



Thank you so much for reading and sharing your honest thoughts!
Bump for visibility #2
 

CharlesEBrown

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2024
Messages
4,576
Points
158
Geez - when I created Dane Coleman, I had only seen one other story published in the past five years with a lead named Dane... now there are over a dozen on PocketFM and at least three here!
 

C0NSTELLATIONBEANS

New member
Joined
Aug 24, 2025
Messages
10
Points
3
Geez - when I created Dane Coleman, I had only seen one other story published in the past five years with a lead named Dane... now there are over a dozen on PocketFM and at least three here!
He’s quite a famous guy now, huh? ? Maybe I should make a plot twist like imagine if his name wasn’t even Dane ??
 
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