Want feedbacks from an amateur?

[Yuin]

Hello ! I hope you're well, I would like to have some feedback on my work, on the language too because I am practicing my English at the same time. It is a mix of SF and Fantasy with a lot of mysteries.

Here !

Hi! I just read your novel and here are my thoughts:

- The story is well established by its own terms and world-building. I enjoy the deities’ conversation and their distinctive personalities. The same goes for all the other characters. They all have their unique traits and charm!
- The synopsis is poetic, with concepts of nihility and love, which is similar to my story’s concept, but this is your own take on it!
- The storytelling is very straightforward, not convoluted with descriptions. The shift in perspective and setting was clear, and I could follow the narrative.
- Good attempt at writing a cliffhanger in Chapter 1 to kick off the action.
- I read your comment, and I also agree that Chapter 1 is a bit long. There’s no relation between Senna’s introduction and Zerhal, and it ends up interrupting Ayëron‘s story. Perhaps move Zerhal’s perspective after Delta, since I assume they can be grouped as something relating to deities and emotions, while Senna can be introduced as a connection to Ayëron. This would make the flow of events more logical.
- For chapter 2, Where should I start? I didn’t expect Abigail to be out of the story so fast. The way you described her emotional thoughts and recollections is okay, but it could be improved. Since the story is already established in third person, I don’t understand why you switched to first person. While it does make things more personal, I feel like her death was just glossed over. It felt like a short emotional conflict, and then I was told she’s dead. Umm… okay. I’ll just wait to see if she comes back later in the story, I guess.
- Also… why is most of the cast disabled? Is the gene pool okay in that country or nah

Language:
- Sentence structure is decent, with minor grammar issues such as tense switching and punctuation. There’s a wide range of vocabulary, so it wasn’t repetitive, I even learned some new words!
- The tense switches are bold. While some can be overlooked, the dining scene switches to past tense in the middle of present tense paragraphs, which is confusing.
- For example: [He stops putting pressure on his eldest son’s shoulders to come and stand just behind his youngest son, making the same gesture to come and put his hold on Abel’s shoulders.] Then, [As astonishment washed over the facial expressions of everyone at the table, the Varrhs’ father slowly returned to his seat beside his wife to develop his idea.]
- These shifts happen in the same scene. Since you’re writing mostly in present tense, just stick to it for consistency.
- There are many other instances of this in Chapters 1 and 2, so I’d recommend reviewing them to ensure present tense is used for current events, while past tense is used for background information.
- [You’d think it was a machine, since its body seems to be made partly of pipes.] Change “was” to “is”.
- Some inverted commas are missing between dialogues and narration. Without proper punctuation, readers may think the whole paragraph is a speech rather than a mix of dialogue and narration.
- Suggested corrections: [“…died in battle today.” The man…], [“…paying the price.” The King…], […before continuing. “My friends…”]
- The unconventional way of writing dialogue is a bit unclear. It’s hard to tell who is speaking and when the dialogue ends. It also disrupts the flow, as it goes from narrative to script-like formatting (with starting inverted commas but no closing ones), and then dashes continuing the same dialogue.
- [Worse still. Delta speaks.] Replace the full stop with a dash.
- [Ayëron hates her. Black anger clouds his eyes when he hears the word ‘Delta’. A hatred so strong that the pain he suffered is nothing more than fuel for his growing resentment. A hatred so strong that the suffering he was the victim of is now nothing more than fuel for his growing resentment.]
- This part is repetitive. Instead of directly stating that he hates her, describe the black cloud and how he’s enslaved by resentment and hatred. That will convey the emotion more subtly and powerfully.
- Overall good work, great potential and please continue to write!

 

[Breakin]

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[Yuin]

I'm new to posting my writing online. Please give me your feedback! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1611567/promise/

Hi! I just read your chapter and here are my thoughts:

- The synopsis reads more like a movie trailer voiceover than a summary of the story. Instead of writing generic lines, try summarising the actual plot! The storyline is what draws readers in, not just an overview of the genre.
- The language is masterful, and the writing style fits well with what’s commonly seen on this platform.
- The story kicks off with action, and I could clearly visualise every movement. The descriptions of appearances come off naturally instead of being forced or formatted, flowing smoothly while gradually revealing more of our MC!
- The dialogue style is very unique, especially the barkeep’s way of speaking! It conveys a distinct accent and tone, making each character feel individual and alive.
- I’m genuinely surprised by the strength of your writing, it doesn’t match the tone of the current synopsis at all! I’d recommend rewriting it to something like:
“In a world where the prolonged absence of gods has raised many doubts, Leverett, a man on a mission, hunts a woman with mysterious powers. However, fate has other plans, as unspoken emotions begin to bloom between them.”
- And then add back the dialogue from your current synopsis! (Of course, you can craft your own version of the summary since you know the full picture; this is just based on what I understood from the premise.)
- Anyway, I’m looking forward to the next chapter!

 

[Sszh]

Hi! I just read your novel and here are my thoughts:

- The story is well established by its own terms and world-building. I enjoy the deities’ conversation and their distinctive personalities. The same goes for all the other characters. They all have their unique traits and charm!
- The synopsis is poetic, with concepts of nihility and love, which is similar to my story’s concept, but this is your own take on it!
- The storytelling is very straightforward, not convoluted with descriptions. The shift in perspective and setting was clear, and I could follow the narrative.
- Good attempt at writing a cliffhanger in Chapter 1 to kick off the action.
- I read your comment, and I also agree that Chapter 1 is a bit long. There’s no relation between Senna’s introduction and Zerhal, and it ends up interrupting Ayëron‘s story. Perhaps move Zerhal’s perspective after Delta, since I assume they can be grouped as something relating to deities and emotions, while Senna can be introduced as a connection to Ayëron. This would make the flow of events more logical.
- For chapter 2, Where should I start? I didn’t expect Abigail to be out of the story so fast. The way you described her emotional thoughts and recollections is okay, but it could be improved. Since the story is already established in third person, I don’t understand why you switched to first person. While it does make things more personal, I feel like her death was just glossed over. It felt like a short emotional conflict, and then I was told she’s dead. Umm… okay. I’ll just wait to see if she comes back later in the story, I guess.
- Also… why is most of the cast disabled? Is the gene pool okay in that country or nah

Language:
- Sentence structure is decent, with minor grammar issues such as tense switching and punctuation. There’s a wide range of vocabulary, so it wasn’t repetitive, I even learned some new words!
- The tense switches are bold. While some can be overlooked, the dining scene switches to past tense in the middle of present tense paragraphs, which is confusing.
- For example: [He stops putting pressure on his eldest son’s shoulders to come and stand just behind his youngest son, making the same gesture to come and put his hold on Abel’s shoulders.] Then, [As astonishment washed over the facial expressions of everyone at the table, the Varrhs’ father slowly returned to his seat beside his wife to develop his idea.]
- These shifts happen in the same scene. Since you’re writing mostly in present tense, just stick to it for consistency.
- There are many other instances of this in Chapters 1 and 2, so I’d recommend reviewing them to ensure present tense is used for current events, while past tense is used for background information.
- [You’d think it was a machine, since its body seems to be made partly of pipes.] Change “was” to “is”.
- Some inverted commas are missing between dialogues and narration. Without proper punctuation, readers may think the whole paragraph is a speech rather than a mix of dialogue and narration.
- Suggested corrections: [“…died in battle today.” The man…], [“…paying the price.” The King…], […before continuing. “My friends…”]
- The unconventional way of writing dialogue is a bit unclear. It’s hard to tell who is speaking and when the dialogue ends. It also disrupts the flow, as it goes from narrative to script-like formatting (with starting inverted commas but no closing ones), and then dashes continuing the same dialogue.
- [Worse still. Delta speaks.] Replace the full stop with a dash.
- [Ayëron hates her. Black anger clouds his eyes when he hears the word ‘Delta’. A hatred so strong that the pain he suffered is nothing more than fuel for his growing resentment. A hatred so strong that the suffering he was the victim of is now nothing more than fuel for his growing resentment.]
- This part is repetitive. Instead of directly stating that he hates her, describe the black cloud and how he’s enslaved by resentment and hatred. That will convey the emotion more subtly and powerfully.
- Overall good work, great potential and please continue to write!

I don't know how to thank you, but thank you very much! I'm taking note of all your comments to improve my first chapters as they should be. I agree, I have a lot of trouble with the dialogues, I even think of simply writing the first name of the character who speaks before (Ayëron : Blabla). Regarding Abigail I tried to say as little as possible because part of the story will be a flashback but it's true that her internal conflict is too short, I'll improve that thank you very much Yuin, I will keep writing ! Have a good day

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

The Pristine

In a world torn apart by war and shrouded in fog, Arkam, a seasoned supersoldier, descends into an abandoned bunker to complete a mission. Haunted by visions of a violent past, his biting sarcasm conceals a tired heart.

www.scribblehub.com

Hey, I'm new here and just started writing. I plan to remove this chapter after receiving some feedback. So, feel free to critique it or praise it; just be honest. Enjoy it if you can.

What? I don't understand your 'like' or something.
Sir, if you want to review my lowly story, please do it in words next time.
thank u

 

[Yuin]

What? I don't understand your 'like' or something.
Sir, if you want to review my lowly story, please do it in words next time.
thank u

Oh that’s to let you know I’ve seen your story and I’ll do your feedback later! It’s just an acknowledgement

 

[Breakin]

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[Yuin]

I don't know how to thank you, but thank you very much! I'm taking note of all your comments to improve my first chapters as they should be. I agree, I have a lot of trouble with the dialogues, I even think of simply writing the first name of the character who speaks before (Ayëron : Blabla). Regarding Abigail I tried to say as little as possible because part of the story will be a flashback but it's true that her internal conflict is too short, I'll improve that thank you very much Yuin, I will keep writing ! Have a good day

Dialogues in English go like this: “Blah blah blah,” he said/replied/exclaimed.

That’s the standardised writing format. If you write like this [Ayëron: blah blah] it feels more like a script. So yeah, just replace the dashes with inverted commas at both ends of the sentence and add the pronouns or names to clarify who’s speaking!

Anyways, I’m excited for the next chapter!

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Dialogues in English go like this: “Blah blah blah,” he said/replied/exclaimed.

The drive-by poster exclaimed: "This is not always so!"
"Oh, but it quite often is," another voice, perhaps in DBP's head, replied.
"You're both a bunch of pretentions wankers," another voice interjected, "quit yer yappin and let me get back to my blasted nap!"

 

[Pearl487]

Hi, I'm new to posting my stories on Scribble Hub, but I hope that you'll review mine nonetheless! Here.

 

[nyankat]

Hi! Would you be up for checking out my silly project? It's the first time I've ever tried to write in earnest and I'm just... I guess learning the ropes, so any feedback helps.

Fell from the Crow’s Nest

Fell from the Crow’s Nest is a grand Age of Sail adventure that follows the hodgepodge crew of the pirate ship Kalida as it sails across Thulathiun: a priest who tried to escape oppression only to be saved from certain death by becoming a pirate, a doctor seeking freedom...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Yuin]

Hi. Would you be willing to check out my story? I'm new to writing, and I would appreciate any feedback on it.

Fate is a Bit*h

James Von Berkshire was the sole survivor of one of the most prominent families that ruled his realm. The once-legendary family was among the first to discover the secrets of their world and amass an army of PLAYERS. But the mistake of one idiot destroyed the entire family; even exiled...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi! I just read your story up to Chapter 3 and here are my thoughts:

- I like how you actually wrote the title in your story in Chapter 2! It supports the concept of character building as he navigates through pain and suffering to find his personal direction.
- The world building is unique, although, chapter 3 started to info dump. Well, I don’t think there’s another way to go around that, but it was enjoyable to read!
- Mock’s internal thoughts and conflict are kinda funny and sudden (in a good way).
- Wow, Chapter 3 has more complex writing, especially with the dialogues between TIME and the MC (btw, I love her name). There’s suddenly more detailed description compared to the previous two chapters. That’s a good thing because you’re developing the story’s lore! Although, it does feel a bit heavy and disruptive since the flow shifts quite a bit.
- Still, it’s a good way to kick off the action and officially start the story’s timeline.
- The synopsis already establishes the premise of the story, so when I read Chapter 1, it felt like a repetitive, extended version of the synopsis just with more details about the setting. The backstory had already been given beforehand.
- Aside from that, there are repeated elements throughout, like the MC being the last member of his bloodline and his five-year imprisonment.
- For example, in Chapter 1, [The last member of the Von Berkshire left to die like a roach,] and in chapter 2, [Like a dying roach giving its final death throes.]
- Since first impressions are important, I’d suggest shortening and merging Chapters 1 and 2 so the story can move forward more quickly.
- Nonetheless, it’s well-edited, although there’s a noticeable shift in writing style between the first two chapters and Chapter 3 onward. Chapter 3 becomes more dialogue-driven (and so does Chapter 4).
- Anyways, keep it up! And reconsider which elements of the story you want to present to the reader in the synopsis versus what to expand upon in the prologue.

 

[Juan19977]

Thanks for the feedback.
Now, I have a clearer understanding of the things to work on.

 

[Yuin]

Hi, first time replying on these types of forum, I usually don't engage on forums but it doesn't hurt to post my story here.

I write for fun and this is actually the first story where I would actually try to finish it for once, so my focuses is on the actual chapters, sorry if the short and bad synopsis, unoriginal title and the nonexistent cover bother you. (Also with the plot I'm thinking of, I have no idea how to write the synopsis without giving spoilers.)

In Another World

An Author's Thoughts.

www.scribblehub.com

Hi, I just read your story up to Chapter 3 and here are my thoughts:

- Thanks for the heads up on your synopsis. The title is relevant to the story, and the empty cover doesn’t matter. However, I feel like the synopsis was a bit misleading.
- For your synopsis, you could write something simple like:
“It has always been the same mundane routine for the students. However, during one of their lessons, the floor suddenly began to glow—and in the next moment, the entire class found themselves scattered across in another world.”
- I was confused by the shift in perspective. Suddenly, I’m involved in the story? Why use the second-person pronoun “you”? I assume I’m the Demon King, and then suddenly it switches back to third person to describe the Demon King’s appearance. What the…
- Are you experimenting with different elements to see what works? Because there isn’t a consistent chain of events, like one moment it’s the Demon King, then suddenly a high school classroom, and a status window? And I still don’t know who the main MC is.
- I would suggest simply writing the character’s name when you shift perspectives. Since it seems like there are multiple protagonists due to the entire class being transported (which is actually more entertaining than a single POV), sticking to either third or first person (not second person) will help clarify the plot and avoid confusion.

Language:
- [The first thing I see is this place, no seeing my mother, no past life, I’m just, here. Nothing. Absolutely zero memories that lead me here. It’s like I’ve just been born here.]
- You repeated “here” three times. Consider removing the excess. Also, consider “no sight of my mother,” to sound natural.
- [this is the people] The correct phrase is “these are the people” (plural).
- There is inconsistent tense usage:
- [I point at 4 girls] is in present tense, but later you wrote [grabbed her arms and held her still], which is in past tense. If this is a series of actions happening in the same event, then the tenses should match. Since you’re leaning more toward present tense, I suggest sticking with that.
- Another example: [I sigh and closed the book and seal it again.] Mixed tenses again. It should be either present or past tense.
- I understand this is for personal enjoyment, and that’s totally fine. Never mind the writing style or format, but for clarity’s sake, keeping a consistent tense and POV helps readers follow the story more easily instead of leaving them guessing what’s going on.
- Overall, the story could be very engaging if you manage the multiple perspectives well! I may have misunderstood some elements or the bigger picture, so feel free to share more about your ideas. I’d love to hear more!

 

[Breakin]

break

 

[Yuin]

The Pristine

In a world torn apart by war and shrouded in fog, Arkam, a seasoned supersoldier, descends into an abandoned bunker to complete a mission. Haunted by visions of a violent past, his biting sarcasm conceals a tired heart.

www.scribblehub.com

Hey, I'm new here and just started writing. I plan to remove this chapter after receiving some feedback. So, feel free to critique it or praise it; just be honest. Enjoy it if you can.

Hi, I read your first chapter and here are my thoughts:

- VERY interesting formatting! It’s similar to poetry, with one line per paragraph. While it’s easy to read, it does feel a bit fragmented.
- That said, I really enjoyed it! It reminded me of a physical novel I once read that also used a unique formatting style.
- The synopsis set the tone of the story and the character very well. However, I was surprised to find it set in a futuristic world with flying car, wow!
- I love how you wrote the MC and the dialogues; it really captured my attention! Most of the stanzas (I think that’s what they’re called) begin with capital letters regardless of commas or full stops, except for one paragraph, which I slightly corrected:
- “In the misty forest, the air sounded like a stream through leaves, and the soil smelled like the first rain of the season. With each step sinking into the moist soil, a lone silhouette dressed in all black—overcoat, shirt, trousers, shoes, and belt, emerged. His black hair was parted unevenly, about seventy-thirty.”
- I took the liberty of rephrasing the original sentence because it felt like something was missing in the action, despite the detailed description. (Also, there was a bit of repetition with “as” and “and.”)
- That was really the only unclear part in terms of the MC’s appearance and movement.
- Otherwise, everything is great. Keep your unique writing style, and I look forward to more chapters!

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Hi, I read your first chapter and here are my thoughts:

- VERY interesting formatting! It’s similar to poetry, with one line per paragraph. While it’s easy to read, it does feel a bit fragmented.
- That said, I really enjoyed it! It reminded me of a physical novel I once read that also used a unique formatting style.
- The synopsis set the tone of the story and the character very well. However, I was surprised to find it set in a futuristic world with flying car, wow!
- I love how you wrote the MC and the dialogues; it really captured my attention! Most of the stanzas (I think that’s what they’re called) begin with capital letters regardless of commas or full stops, except for one paragraph, which I slightly corrected:
- “In the misty forest, the air sounded like a stream through leaves, and the soil smelled like the first rain of the season. With each step sinking into the moist soil, a lone silhouette dressed in all black—overcoat, shirt, trousers, shoes, and belt, emerged. His black hair was parted unevenly, about seventy-thirty.”
- I took the liberty of rephrasing the original sentence because it felt like something was missing in the action, despite the detailed description. (Also, there was a bit of repetition with “as” and “and.”)
- That was really the only unclear part in terms of the MC’s appearance and movement.
- Otherwise, everything is great. Keep your unique writing style, and I look forward to more chapters!

Glad you liked it, but sorry, this is not the final product (this is draft 0).
I still want to improve my writing style and vocabulary. That said, this is going to be dark and other things ?.
I am close to the end of this Arc (10 chapters in), and I am struggling with fighting scenes, but slowly, I will get better.
This review gave me confidence (I was losing my confidence, but this gave me some).
And yes, they are called stanzas, and thank u to rephrasing it.

Thanks (again).?

 

[TheHakd]

Hi, I just read your story up to Chapter 3 and here are my thoughts:

- Thanks for the heads up on your synopsis. The title is relevant to the story, and the empty cover doesn’t matter. However, I feel like the synopsis was a bit misleading.
- For your synopsis, you could write something simple like:
“It has always been the same mundane routine for the students. However, during one of their lessons, the floor suddenly began to glow—and in the next moment, the entire class found themselves scattered across in another world.”
- I was confused by the shift in perspective. Suddenly, I’m involved in the story? Why use the second-person pronoun “you”? I assume I’m the Demon King, and then suddenly it switches back to third person to describe the Demon King’s appearance. What the…
- Are you experimenting with different elements to see what works? Because there isn’t a consistent chain of events, like one moment it’s the Demon King, then suddenly a high school classroom, and a status window? And I still don’t know who the main MC is.
- I would suggest simply writing the character’s name when you shift perspectives. Since it seems like there are multiple protagonists due to the entire class being transported (which is actually more entertaining than a single POV), sticking to either third or first person (not second person) will help clarify the plot and avoid confusion.

Language:
- [The first thing I see is this place, no seeing my mother, no past life, I’m just, here. Nothing. Absolutely zero memories that lead me here. It’s like I’ve just been born here.]
- You repeated “here” three times. Consider removing the excess. Also, consider “no sight of my mother,” to sound natural.
- [this is the people] The correct phrase is “these are the people” (plural).
- There is inconsistent tense usage:
- [I point at 4 girls] is in present tense, but later you wrote [grabbed her arms and held her still], which is in past tense. If this is a series of actions happening in the same event, then the tenses should match. Since you’re leaning more toward present tense, I suggest sticking with that.
- Another example: [I sigh and closed the book and seal it again.] Mixed tenses again. It should be either present or past tense.
- I understand this is for personal enjoyment, and that’s totally fine. Never mind the writing style or format, but for clarity’s sake, keeping a consistent tense and POV helps readers follow the story more easily instead of leaving them guessing what’s going on.
- Overall, the story could be very engaging if you manage the multiple perspectives well! I may have misunderstood some elements or the bigger picture, so feel free to share more about your ideas. I’d love to hear more!

Thanks for the feedback.

Yeah, I still haven't decided what tenses I should be using to this day, I just write and let auto correct do its thing, though it seems like auto correct doesn't always register the error and doesn't correct it.

As for the POV, I intend to stick to third person perspective for a while.

As for the MCs, there's no main MC, just protagonists in their own story.

I basically intend to write stuff about what I have read in various works and put them all together, hence the multiple elements thing happening at once. My favourite thing to read is a story where all genre combined into one after all.

'You' is the narrative, or narrator, I guess.

In case you weren't aware yet, I intend to make this story very fourth wall breaking, though not all protagonists will experience it.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Dump your links here and I’ll give you a wonderful bs review! (With sincerity! Straight from the heart!)

(I’m an inexperienced, unprofessional author/reader so take my words lightly. I’m doing this for fun because I’m bored. Feel free to disagree with my opinions, I just want to see how people write their stories)

I have no requirements. I read everything and anything (but I’m more familiar with BL lol)

And you can roast mine: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1161828/return-to-you-who-is-lost-bl/

 

[ValantasiaArchive]

Hi, I would love to have some feedback on mine, too if possible.
It's a story about a blacksmith girl running away from her arranged marriage in a Xianxia High Fantasy Coming-of-age story.

The Butterfly’s Blade (Martial Arts Eastern Fantasy | Coming-of-Age Slice of Life | Slow-burn Romance)

Most of the memories in this archive come from royalties, heroes, demon lords, and reformers. The names you will study in a history class. The ones history frames around. This one doesn’t belong here. She wasn’t royal. She wasn’t powerful. She never won a war. But I...

www.scribblehub.com