Want feedbacks from an amateur?

[Yuin]

Hi, I'm new to posting my stories on Scribble Hub, but I hope that you'll review mine nonetheless! Here.

Hi! I just read your story, and here are my thoughts:

- I love the attention to detail, especially the way the MC retains her original personality instead of instantly merging with Amy. (There’s also a great portrayal of the mental confusion between the two souls!)
- Her reactions and observations feel realistic and logical for a body possession situation, which made the beginning really enjoyable. (Bonus points for clearly distinguishing between isekai and time travel.)
- There’s a bit of repetition here: “I saw people who were wearing strange clothes, clothes that were definitely not of my time” and “the clothes weren’t modern designs.” Since the meaning is the same, just mentioning it once is enough, especially when it’s in back to back paragraphs.
- I like the use of internal monologue in brackets to add extra information, but some of it feels redundant, especially when it repeats details already explained (like the different era and time period).
- These are just minor things, tho! More experienced readers of the genre might feel like the repetition is a bit unnecessary.
- The sudden switch of pronouns caught me off guard at first, but I get your intention. You’re showing the reader that Sam and Amy are two separate individuals with their own memories. When their memories merge, they become aware of each other’s lives, like strangers sharing a body. The pronoun switch helps to convey their observations of each other’s actions and decisions.
- It seems Amy’s physical reactions and mannerisms remain dominant, while Sam handles the critical thinking. Altho I thought Amy’s manner of speech would be more mature.
- Overall, it’s a great read! The rest flows smoothly without unnecessary repetition. I genuinely enjoyed it despite the genre being overdone. A lot of stories in this space feel shallow or rushed, but your execution is thoughtful, logical, and well paced. You’re not jumping straight into the acceptance stage without reason, which adds depth to the characters and story.
- As long as you keep writing, I believe more readers will definitely come by!

 

[AMR]

Here. Hope you Enjoy. Would love to hear your opinions!

 

[Yuin]

Hi! Would you be up for checking out my silly project? It's the first time I've ever tried to write in earnest and I'm just... I guess learning the ropes, so any feedback helps.

Fell from the Crow’s Nest

Fell from the Crow’s Nest is a grand Age of Sail adventure that follows the hodgepodge crew of the pirate ship Kalida as it sails across Thulathiun: a priest who tried to escape oppression only to be saved from certain death by becoming a pirate, a doctor seeking freedom...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi! I just read your story, and here are my thoughts:

- The world building is insane. You’ve considered every aspect down to the tiniest details, and the glossary reads almost like a research paper, seriously impressive! I really admire your dedication in using your own terms and making the plot uniquely yours.
- On the other hand, I had a hard time following the story at times. Pardon me bcs my language isn’t the strongest, but I’m a bit confused about what was going on with the boat. My best guess is that there was some kind of pirate invasion, the MC got rescued, and then found her soulmate? Right?
- The description of the MC felt like a fever dream (in a good way) A body that doesn’t meet the expectations of an Aleph… what? Then I started wondering, is the MC not a girl? Trans? Or someone who doesn’t develop a gender identity due to hormones or biology?
- At first, I thought ze/zir was a character’s name, but then I remembered seeing those used as pronouns on TikTok, so I tried to understand it in the context of the story. At least it was pretty easy to follow who was speaking or being referred to.
- The same goes for the whole secondary gender system. I expected the usual ABO setup, but instead got Aleph, Beta, and Yodh. I had to check the glossary to make sure I was interpreting things correctly.
- While reading, I honestly started mentally replacing the special terms with mainstream ones just for easier understanding, which is why I’m still unsure about the MC’s gender.
- Aside from the terminology, the writing itself is pretty dense and sometimes convoluted. It took some mental effort to get through prologue. The action scenes definitely helped pick up the pace, and then suddenly, a smut scene! Okay! That escalated fast.
- Tho Chapter 1 had a better flow and I was able to read it in one sitting.
- To be honest, I think the glossary could’ve been easier to digest if you referenced more familiar terms. For example:
Donor —Male reproductive system
Carrier —Female reproductive system
That kind of simplified note would really help newcomers get into the story faster.
- Overall, the story is incredibly unique and forces readers to pause, think, and re-evaluate their assumptions while checking the glossary. That creates a deep, immersive experience, but it might also turn away some readers who aren’t ready to engage that deeply. So yeah, it’s a niche story, but that’s not a bad thing at all.
- If the reader doesn’t mind a bit of initial confusion, the story really shines on its own! There’s nothing wrong with it. just the terminology, phrasing, and a bit of info-dumping in the prologue (but that only happens in the first half).
- I really admire the time, care, and effort you’ve put into this. So keep doing what you’re passionate about!

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Hey, I just released the second chapter—check it out and let me know what you think, even if it involves tough criticism.
I'm considering removing my story because I truly need constructive feedback, and you've provided that for me.
This chapter is darker and deeper than the last one. My writing style has evolved(or gotten worse) from the previous chapter, and I would love to hear your thoughts on it.
Thank you! ?

- Chapter two: Beyond the Darkness | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

sorry for posting again.

 

[HisDivineShadow]

probability not less than 90%
Just Why?

 

[Yuin]

Hey, I just released the second chapter—check it out and let me know what you think, even if it involves tough criticism.
I'm considering removing my story because I truly need constructive feedback, and you've provided that for me.
This chapter is darker and deeper than the last one. My writing style has evolved(or gotten worse) from the previous chapter, and I would love to hear your thoughts on it.
Thank you! ?

- Chapter two: Beyond the Darkness | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

sorry for posting again.

Hi! I just read your chapter 2 and here are my thoughts:

- I kinda preferred the paragraphing style in Chapter 1, the stanza format with spacing between paragraphs. You can consider making it into a standardised format.
- There are some repeated phrases, like: [White levitated in the air in front of it,] and also the metal door descriptions.
- You could consider shortening the beginning part about the MC approaching the door.
- That said, the GEAR transformation was really cool. I love the cyberpunk vibes you’re going for!
- I honestly didn’t expect this story to touch on kidnapping. It’s a bit dark, but the pacing and all the mystery make it engaging, I kept wondering what the MC would do next.
- The MC’s questions help a lot! Since readers are just as curious as he is, it makes us feel like we’re uncovering the truth alongside him.
- And please, don’t be too hard on yourself! Your story is great. Even if traffic is low, treat this like a personal project, a record of your imagination that entertains you. That alone is meaningful.
- Don’t put too much pressure on feedback for validation. Every story on Scribble Hub is unique, and yours definitely stands out.
- The first half felt a little fragmented again, probably because of the short descriptions (similar to Chapter 1), but once the dialogue kicks in, everything flows more smoothly and reads like full, complete thoughts.
- Overall, I think you’ve improved a lot. Please keep writing! Have confidence in your work. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to storytelling, just express yourself freely.

 

[Pearl487]

Hi! I just read your story, and here are my thoughts:

- I love the attention to detail, especially the way the MC retains her original personality instead of instantly merging with Amy. (There’s also a great portrayal of the mental confusion between the two souls!)
- Her reactions and observations feel realistic and logical for a body possession situation, which made the beginning really enjoyable. (Bonus points for clearly distinguishing between isekai and time travel.)
- There’s a bit of repetition here: “I saw people who were wearing strange clothes, clothes that were definitely not of my time” and “the clothes weren’t modern designs.” Since the meaning is the same, just mentioning it once is enough, especially when it’s in back to back paragraphs.
- I like the use of internal monologue in brackets to add extra information, but some of it feels redundant, especially when it repeats details already explained (like the different era and time period).
- These are just minor things, tho! More experienced readers of the genre might feel like the repetition is a bit unnecessary.
- The sudden switch of pronouns caught me off guard at first, but I get your intention. You’re showing the reader that Sam and Amy are two separate individuals with their own memories. When their memories merge, they become aware of each other’s lives, like strangers sharing a body. The pronoun switch helps to convey their observations of each other’s actions and decisions.
- It seems Amy’s physical reactions and mannerisms remain dominant, while Sam handles the critical thinking. Altho I thought Amy’s manner of speech would be more mature.
- Overall, it’s a great read! The rest flows smoothly without unnecessary repetition. I genuinely enjoyed it despite the genre being overdone. A lot of stories in this space feel shallow or rushed, but your execution is thoughtful, logical, and well paced. You’re not jumping straight into the acceptance stage without reason, which adds depth to the characters and story.
- As long as you keep writing, I believe more readers will definitely come by!

I'm so glad you liked it!!! Yeah, another reviewer mentioned the repetition. I'll do my best to edit that out.
Thank you so much for understanding my intention with the soul merge and the pronouns!! I had to explain that part to my beta reader (though that might be because she's somehow never heard of isekai in the first place, that was a surprise), so I was wondering if it flowed weirdly or something.

There’s a bit of repetition here: “I saw people who were wearing strange clothes, clothes that were definitely not of my time” and “the clothes weren’t modern designs.” Since the meaning is the same, just mentioning it once is enough, especially when it’s in back to back paragraphs.
- I like the use of internal monologue in brackets to add extra information, but some of it feels redundant, especially when it repeats details already explained (like the different era and time period).

Ok then, I'll cut some of those out.

- Overall, it’s a great read! The rest flows smoothly without unnecessary repetition. I genuinely enjoyed it despite the genre being overdone. A lot of stories in this space feel shallow or rushed, but your execution is thoughtful, logical, and well paced. You’re not jumping straight into the acceptance stage without reason, which adds depth to the characters and story.
- As long as you keep writing, I believe more readers will definitely come by!

I'll do my best to improve what you spoke about. Thank you very much, I'll keep writing and make an awesome story!! Have a nice day/night/evening.

 

[U-Ma]

I'm very new to writing btw so apologies if it's not that good.

Records of the Blood Moon Warrior

After being sold by his parents, the boy dies from a forced science experiment in his previous life, and awakens in a new world—reborn in the body of a newborn, lying in a blood-soaked cell beside a dead woman. He has no name, no freedom, and no answers. The...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Yuin]

Hi, I would love to have some feedback on mine, too if possible.
It's a story about a blacksmith girl running away from her arranged marriage in a Xianxia High Fantasy Coming-of-age story.

The Butterfly’s Blade (Martial Arts Eastern Fantasy | Coming-of-Age Slice of Life | Slow-burn Romance)

Most of the memories in this archive come from royalties, heroes, demon lords, and reformers. The names you will study in a history class. The ones history frames around. This one doesn’t belong here. She wasn’t royal. She wasn’t powerful. She never won a war. But I...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi! I just read your story up to chapter 3, and here are my thoughts:

- I love the cover illustration! It really feels like it captures the atmosphere of the whole story and sets the genre well (Wuxia).
- The synopsis is quite unique, it starts off with a teacher’s letter rather than the usual summary of the story!
- Chapter one jumps straight into the story and slowly builds from there. Despite the unique names and terminology, I was able to follow through easily.
- However, I’d say it’s a little too easy to read. Most of it is telling me what’s happening, not showing me the situation. It’s written based on statements, not descriptions.
- One thing that’s hugely missing is in depth description. There’s no immersive reading experience because everything is written in one liners.
- Usually, one liners are used to emphasise or leave a lasting impact after a chunk of paragraphs. That way it catches the reader’s attention. But if the whole story is written in that format, readers might feel the storyline is too basic and lacks variation in language.
- There’s also an over reliance on dialogue to progress the story. It reads almost like a script for a visual novel rather than a literary one.
- That said, if this is your intended writing style and expression, then the overall grammar and vocabulary are sufficient.
- In conclusion, there’s nothing wrong with the plot but rather the shallow writing style, which may suggest you’re still gaining experience. Perhaps exposing yourself to other people’s work can help you improve the depth of your writing, pulling readers in instead of just stating the observations.

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Hi! I just read your chapter 2 and here are my thoughts:

- I kinda preferred the paragraphing style in Chapter 1, the stanza format with spacing between paragraphs. You can consider making it into a standardised format.
- There are some repeated phrases, like: [White levitated in the air in front of it,] and also the metal door descriptions.
- You could consider shortening the beginning part about the MC approaching the door.
- That said, the GEAR transformation was really cool. I love the cyberpunk vibes you’re going for!
- I honestly didn’t expect this story to touch on kidnapping. It’s a bit dark, but the pacing and all the mystery make it engaging, I kept wondering what the MC would do next.
- The MC’s questions help a lot! Since readers are just as curious as he is, it makes us feel like we’re uncovering the truth alongside him.
- And please, don’t be too hard on yourself! Your story is great. Even if traffic is low, treat this like a personal project, a record of your imagination that entertains you. That alone is meaningful.
- Don’t put too much pressure on feedback for validation. Every story on Scribble Hub is unique, and yours definitely stands out.
- The first half felt a little fragmented again, probably because of the short descriptions (similar to Chapter 1), but once the dialogue kicks in, everything flows more smoothly and reads like full, complete thoughts.
- Overall, I think you’ve improved a lot. Please keep writing! Have confidence in your work. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to storytelling, just express yourself freely.

Men, you are good at this.
This is my first project, and I am finding my own unique style.
I am an amateur in this, but you gave me great feedback and support.
Keep doing this, man.

 

[Yuin]

Here. Hope you Enjoy. Would love to hear your opinions!

Hi, I just read your story up to chapter 3, and here are my thoughts:

- The cover and synopsis are well done. You didn’t expose the entire storyline and kept it generalised while also foreshadowing the true nature of the system!
- I really enjoyed the mother-son interactions. I could tell both of them genuinely love each other. It also serves as the foundation for why the MC prioritises his family.
- Bonus points for how you executed the reincarnation. Since he didn’t retain complete memories of his past life, he was able to maintain his child-like innocence and mentality. (Unlike some stories where the MC has adult memories but still acts like a child, that just doesn’t make sense.)
Language:
- [I don’t know how exactly I crossed over to this world from Earth, if I crossed over,] You can remove “if I crossed over” because it contradicts the first half of the sentence.
- [Recognizing the warmth around my body I try to wriggle out of the grasp of the person holding me down. As I pull away, I see the person snuggling up to me slowly open her eyes.] This is written in present tense, while the rest of the story is in past tense. Why the switch?
- I’m a bit confused about the shifts in tense throughout the narrative. While I can overlook some as the MC’s personal thoughts, the inconsistency becomes jarring. You might want to review the work and keep the tense consistent since many of the sentences could just as easily be in past tense.
- Chapter 1 isn’t bad, but the part where the MC doubts his identity felt a little odd. At first, he confidently identifies as Anshe and tells the reader he died in a car accident. Then it’s repeated again, but this time it feels like he’s remembering the car accident for the first time?
- I get that your intention is to show the MC’s mental state being caught in between the cold and disconnected car accident and that the woman’s touch is what finally gives him the warmth he truly seeks, despite not remembering his past life apart from the moments before death. But the emotional shift feels a little rough, the link could be smoother.
- [In this sect, just because you are a son of the peak master doesn’t give you admission straight up. You still need to pass the entrance exams just like everyone else.] There’s a sudden switch to second person. You could rephrase it as: “Despite being the son of the peak master in this sect, I wasn’t privileged to have immediate admission. I still had to pass the entrance exams like everyone else.”
- [Still it isn’t like this session was worthless.] Consider making this fully past or fully present tense for consistency.
- Oh, I noticed there’s a perspective switch too, interesting!
- Overall, this work is great with its own world building! Many potential elements are established early on, which helps solidify the direction of the MC and his journey.

 

[AMR]

Hi, I just read your story up to chapter 3, and here are my thoughts:

- The cover and synopsis are well done. You didn’t expose the entire storyline and kept it generalised while also foreshadowing the true nature of the system!
- I really enjoyed the mother-son interactions. I could tell both of them genuinely love each other. It also serves as the foundation for why the MC prioritises his family.
- Bonus points for how you executed the reincarnation. Since he didn’t retain complete memories of his past life, he was able to maintain his child-like innocence and mentality. (Unlike some stories where the MC has adult memories but still acts like a child, that just doesn’t make sense.)
Language:
- [I don’t know how exactly I crossed over to this world from Earth, if I crossed over,] You can remove “if I crossed over” because it contradicts the first half of the sentence.
- [Recognizing the warmth around my body I try to wriggle out of the grasp of the person holding me down. As I pull away, I see the person snuggling up to me slowly open her eyes.] This is written in present tense, while the rest of the story is in past tense. Why the switch?
- I’m a bit confused about the shifts in tense throughout the narrative. While I can overlook some as the MC’s personal thoughts, the inconsistency becomes jarring. You might want to review the work and keep the tense consistent since many of the sentences could just as easily be in past tense.
- Chapter 1 isn’t bad, but the part where the MC doubts his identity felt a little odd. At first, he confidently identifies as Anshe and tells the reader he died in a car accident. Then it’s repeated again, but this time it feels like he’s remembering the car accident for the first time?
- I get that your intention is to show the MC’s mental state being caught in between the cold and disconnected car accident and that the woman’s touch is what finally gives him the warmth he truly seeks, despite not remembering his past life apart from the moments before death. But the emotional shift feels a little rough, the link could be smoother.
- [In this sect, just because you are a son of the peak master doesn’t give you admission straight up. You still need to pass the entrance exams just like everyone else.] There’s a sudden switch to second person. You could rephrase it as: “Despite being the son of the peak master in this sect, I wasn’t privileged to have immediate admission. I still had to pass the entrance exams like everyone else.”
- [Still it isn’t like this session was worthless.] Consider making this fully past or fully present tense for consistency.
- Oh, I noticed there’s a perspective switch too, interesting!
- Overall, this work is great with its own world building! Many potential elements are established early on, which helps solidify the direction of the MC and his journey.

Thanks a lot for your review! I am glad you liked the interactions with the MC and his mom, I tried to make the conversations very engaging with not just the mom but also the other characters that come later.

With system stories or power fantasies (from what I've read), most of the time a lot of the starting characters are forgotten later on, I wanted to avoid that as much as possible by making them memorable.

Also, the past and present tense problems occur because I am not a native English speaker, it is my second language and google docs can only point out so many mistakes, but I am learning as I write and hopefully will become better soon.

Anyways, thanks for your review, I really appreciate it!

 

[ValantasiaArchive]

Hi! I just read your story up to chapter 3, and here are my thoughts:

- I love the cover illustration! It really feels like it captures the atmosphere of the whole story and sets the genre well (Wuxia).
- The synopsis is quite unique, it starts off with a teacher’s letter rather than the usual summary of the story!
- Chapter one jumps straight into the story and slowly builds from there. Despite the unique names and terminology, I was able to follow through easily.
- However, I’d say it’s a little too easy to read. Most of it is telling me what’s happening, not showing me the situation. It’s written based on statements, not descriptions.
- One thing that’s hugely missing is in depth description. There’s no immersive reading experience because everything is written in one liners.
- Usually, one liners are used to emphasise or leave a lasting impact after a chunk of paragraphs. That way it catches the reader’s attention. But if the whole story is written in that format, readers might feel the storyline is too basic and lacks variation in language.
- There’s also an over reliance on dialogue to progress the story. It reads almost like a script for a visual novel rather than a literary one.

Guilty as charged, I’m currently transitioning from screenwriting to novel writing, so some habits still carry over. I’ve also been leaning more into light novel structure lately, which might explain the rhythm and pacing.

- That said, if this is your intended writing style and expression, then the overall grammar and vocabulary are sufficient.
- In conclusion, there’s nothing wrong with the plot but rather the shallow writing style, which may suggest you’re still gaining experience. Perhaps exposing yourself to other people’s work can help you improve the depth of your writing, pulling readers in instead of just stating the observations.

I’ll definitely take what you said into account for the next draft, especially in finding balance between clarity and immersion.
Thanks again for the thoughtful feedback!

 

[nyankat]

Hi! I just read your story, and here are my thoughts:

- The world building is insane. You’ve considered every aspect down to the tiniest details, and the glossary reads almost like a research paper, seriously impressive! I really admire your dedication in using your own terms and making the plot uniquely yours.
- On the other hand, I had a hard time following the story at times. Pardon me bcs my language isn’t the strongest, but I’m a bit confused about what was going on with the boat. My best guess is that there was some kind of pirate invasion, the MC got rescued, and then found her soulmate? Right?
- The description of the MC felt like a fever dream (in a good way) A body that doesn’t meet the expectations of an Aleph… what? Then I started wondering, is the MC not a girl? Trans? Or someone who doesn’t develop a gender identity due to hormones or biology?
- At first, I thought ze/zir was a character’s name, but then I remembered seeing those used as pronouns on TikTok, so I tried to understand it in the context of the story. At least it was pretty easy to follow who was speaking or being referred to.
- The same goes for the whole secondary gender system. I expected the usual ABO setup, but instead got Aleph, Beta, and Yodh. I had to check the glossary to make sure I was interpreting things correctly.
- While reading, I honestly started mentally replacing the special terms with mainstream ones just for easier understanding, which is why I’m still unsure about the MC’s gender.
- Aside from the terminology, the writing itself is pretty dense and sometimes convoluted. It took some mental effort to get through prologue. The action scenes definitely helped pick up the pace, and then suddenly, a smut scene! Okay! That escalated fast.
- Tho Chapter 1 had a better flow and I was able to read it in one sitting.
- To be honest, I think the glossary could’ve been easier to digest if you referenced more familiar terms. For example:
Donor —Male reproductive system
Carrier —Female reproductive system
That kind of simplified note would really help newcomers get into the story faster.
- Overall, the story is incredibly unique and forces readers to pause, think, and re-evaluate their assumptions while checking the glossary. That creates a deep, immersive experience, but it might also turn away some readers who aren’t ready to engage that deeply. So yeah, it’s a niche story, but that’s not a bad thing at all.
- If the reader doesn’t mind a bit of initial confusion, the story really shines on its own! There’s nothing wrong with it. just the terminology, phrasing, and a bit of info-dumping in the prologue (but that only happens in the first half).
- I really admire the time, care, and effort you’ve put into this. So keep doing what you’re passionate about!

Thank you for reading! This is great feedback!

Yes I’ve started off pretty dense and have worked on easing folks into the world more, but the prologue is definitely the biggest shock to the system because it’s where the OAB system gets introduced (since it might otherwise be even harder to understand everything. Balancing ex position was hard. You really shouldn’t need to have the glossary to enjoy the story: I put it there for folks who want to nerd out about it.

To answer your questions:

1. Gan is what we might call intersex
2. The reason for the terminology, how non-standard things are from default OAB setups is because I’m hoping that getting folks to have to pay more attention and absorb something new means they’ll engage with the things in trying to say about gender, transness, and how constructed the relationship between our biology and our social systems is. And then, hopefully, get people to think more about themselves :)
3. The initial scene is Gan on a small boat trying to flee her home country, only to be caught by a patrol that is bringing them all back to execute them. A pirate ship is actually the one that comes to save them, and the one where Marama is a quartermaster of (Chapter 1 fast forwards to Marama having his own ship and Gan being his quartermaster)
4. I spent a lot of time deep diving Wikipedia while researching this whole thing ?

Thanks again for reading it. I fully expect it to be a fairly niche read but I think I can always put more effort into improving accessibility without sacrificing my goals. I’m not that great at writing good prose, but also the reading level I’m going for is maybe just above YA (if I can manage it. I’m trying)

 

[Tile10]

Are you still doing this? This is my first time ever serializing a novel online, and I'd love to ask for some pointers if you still are doing this.

Here's what I began

 

[SarahsBuzzard]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1547361/fire-and-fools/

GO NUTS ?

edit: The cover right now is generated by ChatGPT. I’ve got an artist from Fiverr working on turning it into a proper human-made drawing before the story’s finished. I've seen other people approach the cover creation policy with a similar philosophy but I realize it's still a real turn off for some people. Just wanted to give the heads up.

 

[RivCA]

My first project is wrapping up with uploads in a few days. It’s a good ten-hour binge (maybe I’m highballing it, but the word count is 60,000 or so) but I’m curious to see what you think. The link is in my signature.

 

[ElStorm25]

Hey, what's up? I've been floating around on here for a bit and earned a bad name, but still hunting for feedback, so let me have it. Do your worst lol

Angelic Protection Unit: The Awakening - Chapter 11 (The Encounter Part 2) | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[EBeckett]

Hi, what do you think about this?

 

[MindFudge]

If you're still doing this, id REALLY appreciate some feedback. Iv got a lot more to write but its difficult doing so without knowing if people like the story so far at all. Thanks a lot!

Children of the Void