Want feedbacks from an amateur?

[Yuin]

The idea, at least initially, is for the superpowers to play a supporting role, not be the star of the show. For now, the interpersonal struggles are the main focus.


I had a similar feeling about simplifying certain sections, and it was for the very reason you just pointed out.


I know I overwrote it. By the way, you really encouraged me to tackle that problem. So, I tightened up that part, and it's now about half the word count with a relatively similar impact. I still feel like something's lacking, though.


Yeah, you totally saw through that! I completely reworked that part and threw out the philosophy stuff (lol), precisely because I felt the same way. I've even given Iris (adopted sister) a more significant role because I think Rose's problem will have more room to breathe in later chapters.


this part mainly introduce Ash as a significant side character that will play a big role, while also giving perspective to MC at the same time.


Yes, that's a valid way to see it. My goal was to introduce the dynamic within the MC's group of friends while also adding more texture to his personality. I'm still debating with myself whether I'll revise it to advance the plot. I am, however a lil tiny bit proud of the second part..


Yes, that's an accurate way to put it. The MC's role is currently just to live his life; he's not a hero and isn't trying to be one. However, subsequent chapters will change that.


Believe me, your input was a breath of fresh air. I had mostly the same ideas about the weaknesses, but I needed a third party's opinion.

I’m very glad that my feedback has helped you! Recently, I realised my feedbacks are getting longer and longer and I wondered whether I was nitpicking Nevertheless, I’m relieved that I have pointed smth useful to improve your writing!

 

[Forgotten_Fox]

Hi! I just read your story up to chapter 5, and here are my thoughts:

- The names are very original. It’s honestly funny reading them out loud, and the terminologies are creative too.
- I really like the plot idea. It feels like your own twist on the popular reincarnation genre, and the way you write the system messages makes them easy to follow.
- The first chapter started off a bit rough, but from chapter 3 onward, the flow of events became much smoother. The titles and terms especially make the MC feel cool, even though he’s kind of a loser (in a good way).
- I still can’t believe he died from eating leather. That was smth.
- “With each touch, the power of the races within emanated through Him, and the possibilities flashed on His mind.” This sentence is mostly fine, but the word choice is a bit off. “Emanated” means “to come out from,” so it feels odd when describing something going into him. I think “surged” would fit better. Also, “flashed on” might work better as “flashed through.” And about the capitalised pronouns, I thought they were a mistake at first, but I’m guessing you did that on purpose (I hope).
- “I mean, what chance was there for him if even the chess guys were bullying him now?” I wasn’t sure who was speaking here. Is this an author’s comment? Or is it the god’s perspective? The shift from third to first person feels a bit jarring.
- Some of the sentence structures (especially the dialogues) feel unusual too, but I can overlook that as part of your writing style.
- Overall, the story has potential, and I can see the language improving along the way. Looking forward to your new arc!

Woww, honestly I didn't really though you would read it, thank you very much!!! That means a lot, and you had great points.
- Lots of people have told me my first chapters are kind rough, but I didn't really have the time to work on them
- The capitalised pronouns were indeed on purpose, it seemed appropriate since we were talking about Gods.

Thanks again, I'll take your advice into consideration

 

[Yuin]

I only have the prologue and a synopsis so far but you can try my story...

The God’s Successor

The world burned, the god laughed, and the god was punished. Malroth, the God of War, wrought havoc on the continent of Avon and caused many innocent people to die, Malroth had no remorse and saw people as puny ants or toys to be played with and broken. The other...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi! I just read your prologue, and here are my thoughts:

- The synopsis is simple and straightforward, establishing the setting and main character without revealing too much of the plot.
- The switch in perspective is an interesting choice of writing. While I understand your intention, the consistent use of first person narration can make it confusing to tell who is speaking. At times, the switches feel redundant, especially when actions (like the lone scout) are repeated.
- The sentence structure could use some smoothing out. For example, there are repeated phrases like “none to be had” and “I stood telling myself I stood.” That said, some sentences hit the tone really well, so the language feels a bit inconsistent overall.
- For this sentence: “I stood telling myself I stood out of bravery and honor, but at the same time, I knew that the same fear that had driven my fellow soldiers to run and paralyzed me,” I would suggest changing it to “I stood, telling myself it was out of bravery and honor” and “ had also paralyzed me,” to make the sentence sounds more complete
- The second half of the prologue was well written. I could clearly follow who was speaking and what they were doing. The beginning was a bit rough, but if you continue with the style and clarity of the ending, your story will flow much more seamlessly, so keep it up!

 

[Zenomew]

Hi check mine out please

Somehow I became the immortal Empress of the holy land

Xiù Feng has only goal to live a long life of luxury and comfort Unfortunately she is stuck with a glitched system in a cutthroat world where power is everything and the strong eat the weak However for some reason all the bigshots want to join her sect or live...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[EverenVale]

Hi! I read the whole thing, and here are my thoughts!

- It’s very refreshing to read. I know it sounds weird to say that since it’s supposedly “horror” (I’m unfazed though). I feel like the writing style makes it so easy for me to read unlike my own convoluted writing. I can totally see the difference in our styles, and for you to write with such clarity and simplicity is just next level.
- The interactions between you and the characters make the story even cuter. It shows that the author really cares not just about the story, but also about the character development.
- The plot is predictable in a good way (I mean, I’m pretty well-versed in this genre), so I was able to read through it smoothly without second-guessing things.
- Idk, but the synopsis doesn’t really live up to the standard of your chapters. I feel like it’s a bit confusing for new readers (especially the “second male lead syndrome” thing).
- Rowan is such a pookie. I’ll take him if Leon doesn’t want him… Leon is also a major red flag but with reasons (but Blud doesn’t listen to his therapist!)
- Not sure if you know, but this work reminds me of Checkmate (TAN), where both characters are major red flags and totally messed up in the best way.
- Anyway, great work! I don’t think you need to change the tone at all. I really enjoy the mature perspective on the foolish actions the characters are committing. Please keep writing!
- Lowkey Rowan’s behaviour reminds me of this meme. Legally, it’s questionable. Morally, it’s disgusting. Personally, I like it. Ahh
- Okay but I was surprised your writing didn’t match how you would write for feedback ey

Hi! I just read your story, and here are my thoughts:

- The synopsis is very general, so I wasn’t sure what to expect, but damn, Chapter 1 immediately roped me in and laid out all the key information the reader needs to know. I’m not fully clear on the setting yet, but what I do know is that there’s definitely some sexual tension going on, and I was already shipping the two characters.
- Honestly, the dialogues are compelling. Probably the best I’ve read in a while. They just flow so naturally, like an actual conversation with no forced transitions.
- At first, I thought it was going to be all about philosophy and human nature (I was only half right), with random scenarios to prove a point, but the story turned out to be well-structured, with a strong plot.
- You really stuck to the 1–3 lines per paragraph format well, which made it an easy and enjoyable read for me.
- I totally didn’t expect this to be such an emotional, complete story with a proper beginning and a satisfying ending. The angel got to prove his point, and the demon now carries a part of him… so they’re one and the same now omg
- I think you found your target audience! I really love this! Please keep writing, even if the story doesn’t get much attention yet. I honestly think the low reach is due to the title and synopsis not having a strong hook or giving enough context, but the story itself definitely delivers. (And the cover also, the exterior isn’t giving any context of the story)
- Also, I’d be really interested in hearing your feedback on my story! I’m kind of embarrassed because I don’t think mine is as good as yours, but I do feel like we touched on some similar themes (like light and darkness) from different angles.

Thank you for the feedback.
I'm glad you liked the story. Maybe I do need to change the synopses. I'll work on that.
And I would gladly give you feedback on your story if you give me a link.

 

[Yuin]

Thank you for the feedback.
I'm glad you liked the story. Maybe I do need to change the synopses. I'll work on that.
And I would gladly give you feedback on your story if you give me a link.

Hi! The link is in the very first post lol but I can put it here: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1161828/return-to-you-who-is-lost-bl/

Hi check mine out please

Somehow I became the immortal Empress of the holy land

Xiù Feng has only goal to live a long life of luxury and comfort Unfortunately she is stuck with a glitched system in a cutthroat world where power is everything and the strong eat the weak However for some reason all the bigshots want to join her sect or live...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi! I just read your story and here are my thoughts:

- It’s a straightforward story. Chapter 1 establishes the setting and the main character well! I was able to follow her backstory easily.
- I noticed a lack of punctuation, especially commas and full stops at the end of paragraphs. I’m not sure if this was a deliberate writing choice, but I’m okay with it.
- You used cliché plot events to support the story, which is funny (because the MC pointed it out too!).
- You mentioned something about a glitched system, but it was only brought up once in the synopsis? Maybe I missed some information.
- The dialogues are good, they sound natural and conversational.
- The writing improves in Chapter 3. I felt there were some awkward sentences in Chapter 1, but I can overlook that. Chapter 3 also introduces the system, though it felt like an info dump. I guess the system doesn’t play a major role?
- Overall, the story idea is simple and familiar. Readers can expect the usual tropes, so it’s very easy to read. Keep it up with the storyline!

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Well heck, since the only feedback it's gotten so far is "Need to write more chapters" and "someone else gave you five stars. I gave you four" (both from my wife)... could use some feedback on this one:
Digital Cowboy | Scribble Hub

 

[Yuin]

Well heck, since the only feedback it's gotten so far is "Need to write more chapters" and "someone else gave you five stars. I gave you four" (both from my wife)... could use some feedback on this one:
Digital Cowboy | Scribble Hub

Okay give me some time! I’ll read every word.

 

[RiverDain]

Hi!

I’m new to this page and just posted my first story, His Name Was the Chorus. It’s a boys’ love (M/M) story full of slow-burn tension, longing, and emotionally messy characters.

His Name Was the Chorus

Nico Sanchez is a rising musician, determined to make his mark in the unforgiving world of fame. With a fierce belief in his talent, he’s set on chasing his dreams. Jordan Blake is a bestselling author with a carefully managed public persona and a life scripted down to the...

www.scribblehub.com

If you have a moment to check it out and share your thoughts, I’d really appreciate it! Feedback means a lot as I get started. ?

 

[sumichan]

Hey, I drooled over your reviews for others, I would like some too! If you're fine with BL, could you also review my story?

Endemic Love (BL)

 

[Yuin]

Well heck, since the only feedback it's gotten so far is "Need to write more chapters" and "someone else gave you five stars. I gave you four" (both from my wife)... could use some feedback on this one:
Digital Cowboy | Scribble Hub

Hi! I just read your novel until chapter 3 and here’s my thought:

- Very mature writing! It isn’t written like a web novel and I could totally see this style of writing being published as a physical book.
- Same goes for the story idea. When I read the synopsis, I don’t think it will hook many young readers.
- The synopsis was very vague about the last part when he ended at the desert, so I didn’t know what to expect, but it seemed like he ended up in some sci-fi, fantasy world.
- In chapter 1, there is a repeated description of Dane. I think it would be better to put them together.
- I also have noticed a trend of writing dialogues. You always wrote it as [calmly: “…”], [snarly: “…”], which puts me off because it reminded me of how I usually write for Chinese.
- Generally, the plot is okay… although there are some plot holes here and there.
- In chapter 2, you wrote “Dimy, he remembered.” I think it’s supposed to be “Dimly.”
- “His mind wandered around trying to place it; manure?” The whole sentence before that was very long. I think you did it to show his messy thought process, so I would have written it as “Could it be manure?” (I just felt the word “manure” at the end was very sudden.)
- At the second last part of chapter 2, the pacing escalates and my man just accepts this system thing without questioning the very convenient technology he has next to him.
- Well, Dane is a very adaptable man for someone who just died.
- There is a tendency to use dashes, colons, and semicolons, hence your sentences may end up reading like sentence fragments being forcefully stitched together with no smooth transition, which results in unclear storytelling. (Especially the occasion of missing connectors such as “but time, an unhealthy diet…” in chapter 3. By adding “but which time,” the sentence flows more smoothly.)
- I feel there is a misuse of punctuation. Some of the commas are missing and the unnecessary use of semicolons is distracting.
- [Mister Grant looked like he was unhappy at this, but then looked at the money, sighed, grabbed a candy out of a jar and tossed it to the boy, snarling: “Now both of you, get out of my store.”]
I would suggest changing it to: [Mister Grant looked like he was unhappy at first, but after glancing at the money, he sighed, grabbed a candy from the jar and tossed it to the boy. “Now both of you, get out of my store,” he snarled.]
- There are many other sentences like this, so it would be better if you have an editor to review your work!
- Overall, the writing is stylistically clunky. Your sentences are not grammatically wrong, but the tense shift feels kind of awkward (for example, the Bible quotation—it’s repetitive and sudden).
- However, the attention to detail is what made the story very immersive! There are a lot of technical terms, which shows you did your research, so I learned a lot too!

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Hi! I just read your novel until chapter 3 and here’s my thought:

- Very mature writing! It isn’t written like a web novel and I could totally see this style of writing being published as a physical book.

Thanks - it's actually an audionovel (and was kind of conceived as that from the start) on PocketFM (Digital Cowboy Dane)

- Same goes for the story idea. When I read the synopsis, I don’t think it will hook many young readers.

Kind of worried about that, but couldn't give much more detail without giving away plot elements (many of which I haven't solidly worked out yet)...

- The synopsis was very vague about the last part when he ended at the desert, so I didn’t know what to expect, but it seemed like he ended up in some sci-fi, fantasy world.

Close (closer than he realizes)

- In chapter 1, there is a repeated description of Dane. I think it would be better to put them together.

Ah, that probably stemmed from shoving stuff around during a rewrite. I'll have to look into it.

- I also have noticed a trend of writing dialogues. You always wrote it as [calmly: “…”], [snarly: “…”], which puts me off because it reminded me of how I usually write for Chinese.

Probably ties into a background with theatre and reading a lot of scripts.

- Generally, the plot is okay… although there are some plot holes here and there.

The plot doesn't really start for a while - right now, at least as far as Dane knows, it's just "Slice of Fictional, Idealized, Historical Life"

- In chapter 2, you wrote “Dimy, he remembered.” I think it’s supposed to be “Dimly.”

That is what the industry calls a "typo"

- “His mind wandered around trying to place it; manure?” The whole sentence before that was very long. I think you did it to show his messy thought process, so I would have written it as “Could it be manure?” (I just felt the word “manure” at the end was very sudden.)
- At the second last part of chapter 2, the pacing escalates and my man just accepts this system thing without questioning the very convenient technology he has next to him.
- Well, Dane is a very adaptable man for someone who just died.

He's normally a calm man, but can be pushed to extremes easily. At this point he's just overwhelmed and going with the flow.

- There is a tendency to use dashes, colons, and semicolons, hence your sentences may end up reading like sentence fragments being forcefully stitched together with no smooth transition, which results in unclear storytelling. (Especially the occasion of missing connectors such as “but time, an unhealthy diet…” in chapter 3. By adding “but which time,” the sentence flows more smoothly.)
- I feel there is a misuse of punctuation. Some of the commas are missing and the unnecessary use of semicolons is distracting.
- [Mister Grant looked like he was unhappy at this, but then looked at the money, sighed, grabbed a candy out of a jar and tossed it to the boy, snarling: “Now both of you, get out of my store.”]
I would suggest changing it to: [Mister Grant looked like he was unhappy at first, but after glancing at the money, he sighed, grabbed a candy from the jar and tossed it to the boy. “Now both of you, get out of my store,” he snarled.]
- There are many other sentences like this, so it would be better if you have an editor to review your work!
- Overall, the writing is stylistically clunky. Your sentences are not grammatically wrong, but the tense shift feels kind of awkward (for example, the Bible quotation—it’s repetitive and sudden).

I'll have to look into some of that (though some of it is intentional too)

- However, the attention to detail is what made the story very immersive! There are a lot of technical terms, which shows you did your research, so I learned a lot too!

Thanks for all of that.

 

[Yuin]

Thanks - it's actually an audionovel (and was kind of conceived as that from the start) on PocketFM (Digital Cowboy Dane)

Kind of worried about that, but couldn't give much more detail without giving away plot elements (many of which I haven't solidly worked out yet)...

Close (closer than he realizes)

Ah, that probably stemmed from shoving stuff around during a rewrite. I'll have to look into it.

Probably ties into a background with theatre and reading a lot of scripts.

The plot doesn't really start for a while - right now, at least as far as Dane knows, it's just "Slice of Fictional, Idealized, Historical Life"

That is what the industry calls a "typo"

He's normally a calm man, but can be pushed to extremes easily. At this point he's just overwhelmed and going with the flow.

I'll have to look into some of that (though some of it is intentional too)

Thanks for all of that.

Oh, I didn’t know it’s an audio novel! That explains why some of the sentences are written like a script. If that’s your writing style, then it’s totally fine not to change anything. I was very focused on traditional writing, so I might’ve gotten a bit carried away…

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Oh, I didn’t know it’s an audio novel! That explains why some of the sentences are written like a script. If that’s your writing style, then it’s totally fine not to change anything. I was very focused on traditional writing, so I might’ve gotten a bit carried away…

Not at all carried away - I'm also posting it here so do need to consider other audiences (as an aside, I had corrected the "dimy" typo on the PocketFM version but hadn't done it here... also have used a different style of notations for VICC for a while but had never edited it in this chapter so had to go back anyway).
Was really a challenge made to myself: "Could I write a Western? Yes... but how can I make it interesting to me... maybe make it an Isekai with a System?"

 

[LuoirM]

Do you accept WebNovel links?

 

[Yuin]

Hi! I just read your story until chapter 3 and here’s my thoughts:

- it’s not bad for a first timer (I assume). There wasn’t any info dumping and walls of text. Everything was explained through dialogues and actions. The paragraphing also made it easy for me to read and I enjoy the story format.
- In chapter 1, I have identified some sentence structure problems. The obvious ones have been highlighted by someone named TheDarkLiz.
For example:
“In the world of swords and magic, of invention and monarchy. A girl who was way over her head.”
This is a fragmented sentence. You can rephrase it as “In a world of swords and magic, of invention and monarchy, there was a girl in far over her head,” to make it a complete sentence.
Another one is the “Cecilia was mad, indeed she was,” this isn’t grammatically wrong but it will be smoother if you change it to “Cecilia was indeed mad.”
- There’s many elements that are repeated (like the spanking lol) but I understand it is to build the heartwarming relationship between the mother and daughter.
- chapter 2 was kinda abrupt with the introduction of the MC’s birth ummm. You also repeated words like “something” and “no one” in order to make the narration more dramatic, which I can tell but it disrupts the flow of the story.
- Okay but the interactions are funny and give a warm touch to the story.
- Lowkey, I feel like chapter 1 and 2 should switch around since chapter 3 is the continuation of chapter 1. But you can keep it the same, it’s just my opinion.
- Overall, it’s a very cute story. Chapter 1 is a bit of a rough start and chapter 2 did not help with that because there’s many elements that have been already introduced and mentioned in chapter 1 and chapter 2 just repeats it but with the support of the MC’s backstory and further elaboration. Chapter 3 finally set the story tone and chapter 4 continues it so it’s clearer and smoother to read.
- The name is creative and original so I’ll give you that. Otherwise, you have established the story’s genre well!

Hi, I did yours a while back! I also have a webnovel acc so any external links are fine with me! @RepresentingTaoism

 

[Yuin]

Hi!

I’m new to this page and just posted my first story, His Name Was the Chorus. It’s a boys’ love (M/M) story full of slow-burn tension, longing, and emotionally messy characters.

His Name Was the Chorus

Nico Sanchez is a rising musician, determined to make his mark in the unforgiving world of fame. With a fierce belief in his talent, he’s set on chasing his dreams. Jordan Blake is a bestselling author with a carefully managed public persona and a life scripted down to the...

www.scribblehub.com

If you have a moment to check it out and share your thoughts, I’d really appreciate it! Feedback means a lot as I get started. ?

Hi! You have found the right person to read your story!

- The cover immediately caught my eyes. It reminds me of something I would see as a published cover!
- From the message above, I thot the mc’s name is Chorus lmao
- The synopsis is a great start, although the second paragraph sounds too generic and it doesn’t specify what makes this destructive love different from the others. (You can reveal more of what you offer that’s uniquely your take on the whole angst romance hook)
- The descriptions are immersive. I can visualise the classroom setting and the sch hallway.
- However, it felt Chat GPT edited. Not saying your writing is AI generated, I can tell you have a mock up before asking Chat GPT “please correct the grammar” and the AI decided to rephrase your sentences into a repetitive format.
- These are indicators like the frequent use of dashes, the vocabs and phrasing. Sometimes, it felt a bit convoluted.
- Paragraphing is also another issue. Chapter 1 was barely spaced out and the later chapters become more and more clustered with the walls of text. (Please space them between 2-3 lines per para)
- I also noticed repeated paragraphs in chapter 3 and 4 (mainly the description of Jordan, the last moment of the performance and Jordan’s date)
- You can cut down the descriptions when they’ve just been mentioned the previous chapter.
- I understand you’re toggling between two characters’ perspectives so you tend to repeat the same elements in their own thoughts (which is cool but there’s not much variation)
- There are many repeated phrases in the next sentence (in chapter 2, “Maybe….Maybe”, “He was early. He likes to be early…”. And “Jordan wasn’t looking for… He wasn’t looking for…”)
- “He didn’t want meaningful”, is this sentence unfinished?
- Overall, the story is okay. The romance felt a bit forced because Nico suddenly became extremely aware of Jordan and vice versa. (But that’s just how I felt.)
- But the smoking scene was a good way to develop their relationship!
- Anyways, I can’t wait for the twist

 

[RiverDain]

Thank you so much for your honest feedback!

I have dyslexia and I usually run my text through chat gpt to help with spelling. I’ll see if there’s another way to check for spelling errors since I don’t want my writing to lose its natural tone by sounding too "polished," if that makes sense!

Thanks again, this was really helpful!

 

[Zenomew]

Hi! The link is in the very first post lol but I can put it here: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1161828/return-to-you-who-is-lost-bl/

Hi! I just read your story and here are my thoughts:

- It’s a straightforward story. Chapter 1 establishes the setting and the main character well! I was able to follow her backstory easily.
- I noticed a lack of punctuation, especially commas and full stops at the end of paragraphs. I’m not sure if this was a deliberate writing choice, but I’m okay with it.
- You used cliché plot events to support the story, which is funny (because the MC pointed it out too!).
- You mentioned something about a glitched system, but it was only brought up once in the synopsis? Maybe I missed some information.
- The dialogues are good, they sound natural and conversational.
- The writing improves in Chapter 3. I felt there were some awkward sentences in Chapter 1, but I can overlook that. Chapter 3 also introduces the system, though it felt like an info dump. I guess the system doesn’t play a major role?
- Overall, the story idea is simple and familiar. Readers can expect the usual tropes, so it’s very easy to read. Keep it up with the storyline!

Thanks for the feedback it was really helpful !!

 

[Yuin]

Thank you so much for your honest feedback!

I have dyslexia and I usually run my text through chat gpt to help with spelling. I’ll see if there’s another way to check for spelling errors since I don’t want my writing to lose its natural tone by sounding too "polished," if that makes sense!

Thanks again, this was really helpful!

Hi! You can always train Chat GPT by sending in your text and asking it to correct your spelling without changing the originality of the text. Afterwards, read through the adjusted version and spot if there are any differences in the spelling. I used to change every word individually instead of copying and pasting the text for the same reason. It’s also a way for me to learn and improve my writing. I hope the command helps you to train the butler heh.

That said, I would like for you to bring back your original writing! The story is progressing nicely but the Chat GPT edits kinda ruined the reading experience for me. If you’re able to use AI editing to a minimum, that would be really great!

Hey, I drooled over your reviews for others, I would like some too! If you're fine with BL, could you also review my story?

Endemic Love (BL)

Hi! I just read your novel and here are my thoughts:

- The synopsis was intriguing because you started off with a conversation instead of the usual world building info!
- However, I feel like you revealed the climax of the story too early. The starting chapters already hint at the reasons why Le An wants to leave the ML.
- Instead of showing a snippet of their interaction (which could be saved for later in the story), you might consider summarising Le An’s identity and his encounter with the male lead that sparked their toxic relationship. It’s just an idea, you can definitely rephrase it to fit your intention without giving away the whole plot in the synopsis.
- I felt the sentence transitions weren’t very smooth. It came off a bit jumpy, alternating between Le An’s thoughts and the events around him.
- The news announcement in Chapter 1 was a little rough tho I can see the effort to establish the world without info dumping, which is a great start!
- I noticed a lack of appearance descriptions, and I still don’t know the male lead’s name bcs it wasn’t mentioned in the synopsis or in Chapters 1 to 4 and 14 to 15, which I checked randomly.
- Ngl, Le An really needs to stand up for himself. He’s being used and tossed around like a rag doll. Mr. Qui might be the cause of Le An’s cowardice, so even though I’m frustrated that he didn’t tell anyone about his situation with the male lead, it feels justifiable.
- The storyline is solid! The terms and character traits are familiar to other BL works, so I was able to follow along despite the sentences being a little rough.
- “You guided 342 espers today—not much.” I think it should be “many” since espers are countable.
- There’s also frequent use of dashes and a lot more “telling” than “showing.” For example, the first few sentences just tell the reader that a portal appeared and released the monsters hence why there’s a rise of espers.
- I also felt the documentary’s dialogues were a bit unprofessional.
- I would suggest smth like this:
“Portals. An unknown number of them have surfaced around the globe. They act like gateways to hell, spawning endless waves of monsters that destroy our cities and kill countless lives,” the static voice from the documentary overlaid the horrifying screams captured in the famous CCTV footage. (to set more of a documentary like tone)
- I also skipped ahead and read Chapters 14 and 15, and I can see some improvement! The focus on dialogue and action really helped the pacing.
- Overall, the story is fun and easy to read! I can totally visualise it as a Manhwa. Please keep it up!