Want feedbacks from an amateur?

[Yuin]

Ahhhh it feels embarrassingggg but I can do this! It won't kill meeee...

I'm about to do a rewrite. Changing the tone of the characters to sound more mature, and adding extra description?
Anyway, it would be nice to get more opinions before I break this thing:

Best Friend Obsession

Do you know the best friend of the male lead in Boys Love novels? The second male lead who tries to help the protagonist escape, only to watch as he falls into the obsessive male lead’s clutches. If my life were such a novel, that would be me. And...

www.scribblehub.com

Okay, give me some time. I’m still waiting for my work to be stone, or ink by you (pls say smth negative)

 

[EverenVale]

Hey
Thanks for the offer. Feel free to read Relicborn in my signature.
I can read your book if you want and give you feedback. Let me know if you're interested.

 

[Yuin]

Ahhhh it feels embarrassingggg but I can do this! It won't kill meeee...

I'm about to do a rewrite. Changing the tone of the characters to sound more mature, and adding extra description?
Anyway, it would be nice to get more opinions before I break this thing:

Best Friend Obsession

Do you know the best friend of the male lead in Boys Love novels? The second male lead who tries to help the protagonist escape, only to watch as he falls into the obsessive male lead’s clutches. If my life were such a novel, that would be me. And...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi! I read the whole thing, and here are my thoughts!

- It’s very refreshing to read. I know it sounds weird to say that since it’s supposedly “horror” (I’m unfazed though). I feel like the writing style makes it so easy for me to read unlike my own convoluted writing. I can totally see the difference in our styles, and for you to write with such clarity and simplicity is just next level.
- The interactions between you and the characters make the story even cuter. It shows that the author really cares not just about the story, but also about the character development.
- The plot is predictable in a good way (I mean, I’m pretty well-versed in this genre), so I was able to read through it smoothly without second-guessing things.
- Idk, but the synopsis doesn’t really live up to the standard of your chapters. I feel like it’s a bit confusing for new readers (especially the “second male lead syndrome” thing).
- Rowan is such a pookie. I’ll take him if Leon doesn’t want him… Leon is also a major red flag but with reasons (but Blud doesn’t listen to his therapist!)
- Not sure if you know, but this work reminds me of Checkmate (TAN), where both characters are major red flags and totally messed up in the best way.
- Anyway, great work! I don’t think you need to change the tone at all. I really enjoy the mature perspective on the foolish actions the characters are committing. Please keep writing!
- Lowkey Rowan’s behaviour reminds me of this meme. Legally, it’s questionable. Morally, it’s disgusting. Personally, I like it. Ahh
- Okay but I was surprised your writing didn’t match how you would write for feedback ey

Hey
Thanks for the offer. Feel free to read Relicborn in my signature.
I can read your book if you want and give you feedback. Let me know if you're interested.

Hi! I just read your story, and here are my thoughts:

- The synopsis is very general, so I wasn’t sure what to expect, but damn, Chapter 1 immediately roped me in and laid out all the key information the reader needs to know. I’m not fully clear on the setting yet, but what I do know is that there’s definitely some sexual tension going on, and I was already shipping the two characters.
- Honestly, the dialogues are compelling. Probably the best I’ve read in a while. They just flow so naturally, like an actual conversation with no forced transitions.
- At first, I thought it was going to be all about philosophy and human nature (I was only half right), with random scenarios to prove a point, but the story turned out to be well-structured, with a strong plot.
- You really stuck to the 1–3 lines per paragraph format well, which made it an easy and enjoyable read for me.
- I totally didn’t expect this to be such an emotional, complete story with a proper beginning and a satisfying ending. The angel got to prove his point, and the demon now carries a part of him… so they’re one and the same now omg
- I think you found your target audience! I really love this! Please keep writing, even if the story doesn’t get much attention yet. I honestly think the low reach is due to the title and synopsis not having a strong hook or giving enough context, but the story itself definitely delivers. (And the cover also, the exterior isn’t giving any context of the story)
- Also, I’d be really interested in hearing your feedback on my story! I’m kind of embarrassed because I don’t think mine is as good as yours, but I do feel like we touched on some similar themes (like light and darkness) from different angles.

 

[StoneInky]

Hi! I read the whole thing, and here are my thoughts!

- It’s very refreshing to read. I know it sounds weird to say that since it’s supposedly “horror” (I’m unfazed though). I feel like the writing style makes it so easy for me to read unlike my own convoluted writing. I can totally see the difference in our styles, and for you to write with such clarity and simplicity is just next level.
- The interactions between you and the characters make the story even cuter. It shows that the author really cares not just about the story, but also about the character development.
- The plot is predictable in a good way (I mean, I’m pretty well-versed in this genre), so I was able to read through it smoothly without second-guessing things.
- Idk, but the synopsis doesn’t really live up to the standard of your chapters. I feel like it’s a bit confusing for new readers (especially the “second male lead syndrome” thing).
- Rowan is such a pookie. I’ll take him if Leon doesn’t want him… Leon is also a major red flag but with reasons (but Blud doesn’t listen to his therapist!)
- Not sure if you know, but this work reminds me of Checkmate (TAN), where both characters are major red flags and totally messed up in the best way.
- Anyway, great work! I don’t think you need to change the tone at all. I really enjoy the mature perspective on the foolish actions the characters are committing. Please keep writing!
- Lowkey Rowan’s behaviour reminds me of this meme. Legally, it’s questionable. Morally, it’s disgusting. Personally, I like it. Ahh
- Okay but I was surprised your writing didn’t match how you would write for feedback ey

Hi! I just read your story, and here are my thoughts:

- The synopsis is very general, so I wasn’t sure what to expect, but damn, Chapter 1 immediately roped me in and laid out all the key information the reader needs to know. I’m not fully clear on the setting yet, but what I do know is that there’s definitely some sexual tension going on, and I was already shipping the two characters.
- Honestly, the dialogues are compelling. Probably the best I’ve read in a while. They just flow so naturally, like an actual conversation with no forced transitions.
- At first, I thought it was going to be all about philosophy and human nature (I was only half right), with random scenarios to prove a point, but the story turned out to be well-structured, with a strong plot.
- You really stuck to the 1–3 lines per paragraph format well, which made it an easy and enjoyable read for me.
- I totally didn’t expect this to be such an emotional, complete story with a proper beginning and a satisfying ending. The angel got to prove his point, and the demon now carries a part of him… so they’re one and the same now omg
- I think you found your target audience! I really love this! Please keep writing, even if the story doesn’t get much attention yet. I honestly think the low reach is due to the title and synopsis not having a strong hook or giving enough context, but the story itself definitely delivers. (And the cover also, the exterior isn’t giving any context of the story)
- Also, I’d be really interested in hearing your feedback on my story! I’m kind of embarrassed because I don’t think mine is as good as yours, but I do feel like we touched on some similar themes (like light and darkness) from different angles.

Thanks for the feedback. Good to hear that it's not completely failing, lmao. And that it isn't complete horror. Someone told me it is, but that was not my intention, so I was worried over that one.

I'll get to your novel soon, but there's around...three in front of yours, so it'll sadly take timeee. Hopefully tomorrow.

 

[N.K.Watson]

Here's my first ever attempt! Also an amateur, but i'm enjoying myself soooo much. Feel free to let me know what you think! My coworkers are dying to read it and are extremely upset i'm letting total strangers read it and not them - but something about being anonymous here is just safer
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1532411/divided/

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Hi! I just read your story until chapter 4 and here’s my thoughts:

- The synopsis was good enough to get me interested. However, chapter 1 wasn’t the best hook. The first three chapters were just telling me the situation the MC is facing without expanding on his mental state. It just briefly skimmed thru and talked about his outfit which was so funny because it was repeated again in chapter 2. (I think that’s the reason why your chapter 1 is so short because you’re just stating the event and not focusing on the thoughts of the MC during a difficult time for his family.) The facial description was okay tho.
- The plot is not complicated or philosophical, it’s just generic but the sudden reveal that he’s bi caught me by surprise.
- The sequence of events isn’t smooth too, with some grammar mistakes here and there. The sentences are also phrased simply so there wasn’t much variety in language.
- Nevertheless, it’s a good attempt since you didn’t yap and went straight to the point!
- The later chapter was less awkward and smooth so I will take it as a great improvement.
- I think the comments in your chapters have spoken what I wanna say about the mistakes yuh

Thank you for the advice.
Should I have my character be more upset like yell or break something?

Yes, my grammar is kinda wack. But I'm happy you said I improved. Also, should I not mention outfits at all? It is unnecessary?

 

[Forgotten_Fox]

Hello! I've just finished the first arc of my story, and would love some feedback if you have the time.

Here's the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1418835/the-king-of-losers-litrpg--progression-fantasy/

 

[Hsinat]

Dude, seriously I needed this for my ROTE. Don't hesitate to criticism me.
Thanks in advance.

 

[Yuin]

Thank you for the advice.
Should I have my character be more upset like yell or break something?

Yes, my grammar is kinda wack. But I'm happy you said I improved. Also, should I not mention outfits at all? It is unnecessary?

I think you can focus on what happened to the siblings and describe their grim situation and maybe the mc arguing with the parents at first about their decision to move house. I think that will be more realistic.

Mentioning outfits is fine but repeating it back to back is like a bit silly. You can keep it there if you want, I just think it’s unnecessary lol

Here's my first ever attempt! Also an amateur, but i'm enjoying myself soooo much. Feel free to let me know what you think! My coworkers are dying to read it and are extremely upset i'm letting total strangers read it and not them - but something about being anonymous here is just safer
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1532411/divided/

Hi! I just read your story up to Chapter 4, and here are my thoughts:

- The format of your story reads like a traditionally published book. I saw a comment on your first chapter mentioning the line spacing, but honestly, I think it’s fine. Readers on Scribble Hub tend to prefer 1–3 lines per paragraph for easier reading, but your style feels more classic and conservative.
- The pacing, however, is a bit of an issue. The language is fine, but I felt like half of Chapter 1 just dragged on with the morning routine and gardening. Not much happens until the final paragraphs, where her brother gets attacked. I’d suggest shortening the earlier part of the chapter to get to the core conflict faster. (Same goes for chapter 3…)
- Because of the slower pacing and long chapters, you might lose some readers’ attention early on. Chapter 2 felt better paced, with more interaction and events, so it didn’t feel as mundane.
- For Chapter 1, I think you should introduce the hook earlier instead of leaving it until the end.
- Beyond the pacing, the synopsis gives away too much of the plot, making it feel a bit generic and predictable (but the plot is decent). It reminded me of something I might find on Wattpad or AO3, though with much stronger writing on your part. (I’m not comparing your writing to theirs, just the plot structure.)
- There’s also a noticeable pattern when you introduce characters. You name them and then immediately describe their appearance, usually starting with hair colour. It’s useful but becomes a bit repetitive after a while.
- Overall, it’s a well-edited and smoothly written story. Despite the chunky paragraphs, I was able to keep reading several chapters. Still, I feel like the pacing and somewhat predictable storyline hold the writing back a bit.

 

[Yuin]

Hello! I've just finished the first arc of my story, and would love some feedback if you have the time.

Here's the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1418835/the-king-of-losers-litrpg--progression-fantasy/

Hi! I just read your story up to chapter 5, and here are my thoughts:

- The names are very original. It’s honestly funny reading them out loud, and the terminologies are creative too.
- I really like the plot idea. It feels like your own twist on the popular reincarnation genre, and the way you write the system messages makes them easy to follow.
- The first chapter started off a bit rough, but from chapter 3 onward, the flow of events became much smoother. The titles and terms especially make the MC feel cool, even though he’s kind of a loser (in a good way).
- I still can’t believe he died from eating leather. That was smth.
- “With each touch, the power of the races within emanated through Him, and the possibilities flashed on His mind.” This sentence is mostly fine, but the word choice is a bit off. “Emanated” means “to come out from,” so it feels odd when describing something going into him. I think “surged” would fit better. Also, “flashed on” might work better as “flashed through.” And about the capitalised pronouns, I thought they were a mistake at first, but I’m guessing you did that on purpose (I hope).
- “I mean, what chance was there for him if even the chess guys were bullying him now?” I wasn’t sure who was speaking here. Is this an author’s comment? Or is it the god’s perspective? The shift from third to first person feels a bit jarring.
- Some of the sentence structures (especially the dialogues) feel unusual too, but I can overlook that as part of your writing style.
- Overall, the story has potential, and I can see the language improving along the way. Looking forward to your new arc!

 

[CosmicWonder]

This is my first attempt, I have no clue how people will receive it.

Reality Shift Protocol

Rey's ordinary teenage life shatters. He gains incredible powers, seemingly from a novel deeply tied to his past: Instantaneous [Point Transfer]. A vast [Pocket Dimension]. Heightened [Third Eye] perception. The dangerously unpredictable [Alter Ego]. And the reality bending [Save & Load]...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Yuin]

Dude, seriously I needed this for my ROTE. Don't hesitate to criticism me.
Thanks in advance.

Hi! I’ve read your novel up to Chapter 3, and here are my thoughts:

- The story is interesting, especially the plot twist in Chapter 1. However, I noticed some issues with the sequence of events.
- I like how you start by introducing the characters and their names, but I was confused about the setting until halfway through the chapter, when it was revealed to be a campsite. I think it would be more effective to establish the setting earlier on.
- The sudden shift in tone caught me off guard. The transition into the nightmarish scene felt abrupt. After Ashley boarded the boat, her dad suddenly started bleeding, his face twisted, and then he got eaten, and Aunt Vanessa appeared out of nowhere. It felt like the pacing jumped from 0 to 100 with no buildup or smooth transition.
- The introduction of the helper character was also quite sudden and only mentioned right before everything escalated. There wasn’t enough context or connection between events, which made the flow feel disjointed.
- The language is generally okay, but I noticed a few errors:
- There’s a typo in Chapter 1: “fe steps” should be “few steps.”
- In the line [“Now, where is our mother, dearest?” she asked while fixing her Scout outfit], I think the pronoun should be “he” since it seems like the father is speaking while fixing his daughter’s outfit.
- In Chapter 2, the second paragraph repeats “even” and “has crack” several times. You could vary the vocabulary with words like “fractured” or “broken” to keep the description more engaging.
- This was the first time a character’s height was mentioned.
- I skimmed through the rest, and while the style isn’t my personal preference but it’s consistent.
- Overall, the idea is strong, but the clarity and pacing could be improved.
- And your meme is funny

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

Don't know if you are still doing it here, but here is mine - The Island of Wonder

Thanks

 

[Phantonym]

I only have the prologue and a synopsis so far but you can try my story...

The God’s Successor

The world burned, the god laughed, and the god was punished. Malroth, the God of War, wrought havoc on the continent of Avon and caused many innocent people to die, Malroth had no remorse and saw people as puny ants or toys to be played with and broken. The other...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Hsinat]

Hi! I’ve read your novel up to Chapter 3, and here are my thoughts:

- The story is interesting, especially the plot twist in Chapter 1. However, I noticed some issues with the sequence of events.
- I like how you start by introducing the characters and their names, but I was confused about the setting until halfway through the chapter, when it was revealed to be a campsite. I think it would be more effective to establish the setting earlier on.
- The sudden shift in tone caught me off guard. The transition into the nightmarish scene felt abrupt. After Ashley boarded the boat, her dad suddenly started bleeding, his face twisted, and then he got eaten, and Aunt Vanessa appeared out of nowhere. It felt like the pacing jumped from 0 to 100 with no buildup or smooth transition.
- The introduction of the helper character was also quite sudden and only mentioned right before everything escalated. There wasn’t enough context or connection between events, which made the flow feel disjointed.
- The language is generally okay, but I noticed a few errors:
- There’s a typo in Chapter 1: “fe steps” should be “few steps.”
- In the line [“Now, where is our mother, dearest?” she asked while fixing her Scout outfit], I think the pronoun should be “he” since it seems like the father is speaking while fixing his daughter’s outfit.
- In Chapter 2, the second paragraph repeats “even” and “has crack” several times. You could vary the vocabulary with words like “fractured” or “broken” to keep the description more engaging.
- This was the first time a character’s height was mentioned.
- I skimmed through the rest, and while the style isn’t my personal preference but it’s consistent.
- Overall, the idea is strong, but the clarity and pacing could be improved.
- And your meme is funny

bruh not the one in the signature..... I meant rote the novel i finished making this one : -https://www.honeyfeed.fm/novels/19350

Sorry for not being clear enough.
But nonetheless, I appreciate the feedback on my first attempt in writing. I am still figuring out the writing style and TONS OF GRAMMAR issues.

HERE'S A HUG FOR READING IT:-

??????

Hi! I’ve read your novel up to Chapter 3, and here are my thoughts:

- The story is interesting, especially the plot twist in Chapter 1. However, I noticed some issues with the sequence of events.
- I like how you start by introducing the characters and their names, but I was confused about the setting until halfway through the chapter, when it was revealed to be a campsite. I think it would be more effective to establish the setting earlier on.
- The sudden shift in tone caught me off guard. The transition into the nightmarish scene felt abrupt. After Ashley boarded the boat, her dad suddenly started bleeding, his face twisted, and then he got eaten, and Aunt Vanessa appeared out of nowhere. It felt like the pacing jumped from 0 to 100 with no buildup or smooth transition.
- The introduction of the helper character was also quite sudden and only mentioned right before everything escalated. There wasn’t enough context or connection between events, which made the flow feel disjointed.
- The language is generally okay, but I noticed a few errors:
- There’s a typo in Chapter 1: “fe steps” should be “few steps.”
- In the line [“Now, where is our mother, dearest?” she asked while fixing her Scout outfit], I think the pronoun should be “he” since it seems like the father is speaking while fixing his daughter’s outfit.
- In Chapter 2, the second paragraph repeats “even” and “has crack” several times. You could vary the vocabulary with words like “fractured” or “broken” to keep the description more engaging.
- This was the first time a character’s height was mentioned.
- I skimmed through the rest, and while the style isn’t my personal preference but it’s consistent.
- Overall, the idea is strong, but the clarity and pacing could be improved.
- And your meme is funny

I AM SO HAPPPY YOU UNDERSTOOD THE MEMES! FORGOT TO MENTIONED TEMPOKAI ROASTED THIS BOOK TO THE ASHES, SO I AM RESTARTING THE WHOLE BOOK AGAIN. WITH A NEW BEGINNING AND THE ROTE NOVEL IS CONNECTED TO IT IN SOME WAY.

 

[Yuin]

bruh not the one in the signature..... I meant rote the novel i finished making this one : -https://www.honeyfeed.fm/novels/19350

Sorry for not being clear enough.
But nonetheless, I appreciate the feedback on my first attempt in writing. I am still figuring out the writing style and TONS OF GRAMMAR issues.

HERE'S A HUG FOR READING IT:-

??????

I AM SO HAPPPY YOU UNDERSTOOD THE MEMES! FORGOT TO MENTIONED TEMPOKAI ROASTED THIS BOOK TO THE ASHES, SO I AM RESTARTING THE WHOLE BOOK AGAIN. WITH A NEW BEGINNING AND THE ROTE NOVEL IS CONNECTED TO IT IN SOME WAY.

Oops, never mind that. I just finished reading the Honeyfeed story until chapter 2 and here are my thoughts:

- The prologue format is interesting and unique, but it threw me off. There’s an unnecessary use of words and abrupt shifts in perspective. I couldn’t keep up with the transitions between characters.
- In Chapter 1, this paragraph confused me:
[“JACOB! Now is NOT the time—” My dad slammed down the newspaper, his mustache soaked in morning coffee, buttery pancakes wobbling on the plate.
“THEN WHEN?” The chair screeched in protest as he abruptly stood, demanding an unbearable answer from my mom.]
- I initially assumed the dad was the one saying the “Jacob!” line and the MC replying to the dad with “Then when?” So I was going to change the pronounce to “I abruptly stood up”
- I also thought the opening line about Coby’s death came from the MC It wasn’t clear until later that I found out it was actually the mother who said “Jacob!“, and that the main character’s name is Caspar, not Jacob. That misunderstanding left me disoriented for most of the scene.
- Many of the sentences are written in fragments, which forced me to piece things together and make assumptions. It makes the dialogue hard to follow since there’s often no clear indication of who’s speaking.
- The writing style also has noticeable repetition. One example that stuck out to me was the phrase: “My home, my house…” was repeated four times, which felt excessive. This type of repetition, combined with the fragmented structure, made the writing feel confusing and messy at times.
- In Chapter 2, the formatting became even more strange, and the constant use of telling rather than showing or describing the MC’s emotional turmoil made it harder for me to stay engaged. Repeating single-line statements 8 or more times doesn’t necessarily make the story feel more emotional, it actually weakens the impact.
- To be honest, I preferred the other story I read before this one.

 

[Hsinat]

Oops, never mind that. I just finished reading the Honeyfeed story until chapter 2 and here are my thoughts:

- The prologue format is interesting and unique, but it threw me off. There’s an unnecessary use of words and abrupt shifts in perspective. I couldn’t keep up with the transitions between characters.
- In Chapter 1, this paragraph confused me:
[“JACOB! Now is NOT the time—” My dad slammed down the newspaper, his mustache soaked in morning coffee, buttery pancakes wobbling on the plate.
“THEN WHEN?” The chair screeched in protest as he abruptly stood, demanding an unbearable answer from my mom.]
- I initially assumed the dad was the one saying the “Jacob!” line and the MC replying to the dad with “Then when?” So I was going to change the pronounce to “I abruptly stood up”
- I also thought the opening line about Coby’s death came from the MC It wasn’t clear until later that I found out it was actually the mother who said “Jacob!“, and that the main character’s name is Caspar, not Jacob. That misunderstanding left me disoriented for most of the scene.
- Many of the sentences are written in fragments, which forced me to piece things together and make assumptions. It makes the dialogue hard to follow since there’s often no clear indication of who’s speaking.
- The writing style also has noticeable repetition. One example that stuck out to me was the phrase: “My home, my house…” was repeated four times, which felt excessive. This type of repetition, combined with the fragmented structure, made the writing feel confusing and messy at times.
- In Chapter 2, the formatting became even more strange, and the constant use of telling rather than showing or describing the MC’s emotional turmoil made it harder for me to stay engaged. Repeating single-line statements 8 or more times doesn’t necessarily make the story feel more emotional, it actually weakens the impact.
- To be honest, I preferred the other story I read before this one.

Oh, then I hit the nail. That's what I wanted for you, readers to feel. That's the essence or the aim I was going for. It's supposed to be fragmented it's like a tape you watch from a camera, but sometimes it doesn't capture the entire footage. The tape can be tampered or cut off, right? At times, we do hear the audio, but not the source of it. I feel like I will literally just spoil the whole plot from speaking about my intentions. I will just let you have it your way.

I feel you, even I prefer the other story. This story was made for the purpose of the competition, while the other from my own interest. Plus, due to the deadline, the the story itself have issues in it. Either ways, it was a fun time for me as a writer to experiment in these competitions.

Oops, never mind that. I just finished reading the Honeyfeed story until chapter 2 and here are my thoughts:

- The prologue format is interesting and unique, but it threw me off. There’s an unnecessary use of words and abrupt shifts in perspective. I couldn’t keep up with the transitions between characters.
- In Chapter 1, this paragraph confused me:
[“JACOB! Now is NOT the time—” My dad slammed down the newspaper, his mustache soaked in morning coffee, buttery pancakes wobbling on the plate.
“THEN WHEN?” The chair screeched in protest as he abruptly stood, demanding an unbearable answer from my mom.]
- I initially assumed the dad was the one saying the “Jacob!” line and the MC replying to the dad with “Then when?” So I was going to change the pronounce to “I abruptly stood up”
- I also thought the opening line about Coby’s death came from the MC It wasn’t clear until later that I found out it was actually the mother who said “Jacob!“, and that the main character’s name is Caspar, not Jacob. That misunderstanding left me disoriented for most of the scene.
- Many of the sentences are written in fragments, which forced me to piece things together and make assumptions. It makes the dialogue hard to follow since there’s often no clear indication of who’s speaking.
- The writing style also has noticeable repetition. One example that stuck out to me was the phrase: “My home, my house…” was repeated four times, which felt excessive. This type of repetition, combined with the fragmented structure, made the writing feel confusing and messy at times.
- In Chapter 2, the formatting became even more strange, and the constant use of telling rather than showing or describing the MC’s emotional turmoil made it harder for me to stay engaged. Repeating single-line statements 8 or more times doesn’t necessarily make the story feel more emotional, it actually weakens the impact.
- To be honest, I preferred the other story I read before this one.

Would you mind if I just ss this and put it in the community for feedbacks?
I will credit you.

READ ROTE-E (COMPLETED)

Here's the link to ROTE->E This thread is mainly for discussions, feedback, proofreads, updates and theories. Please refrain from reading the novel if you don't deal with the following themes :- 1. child abuse. 2. mental health issues. 3. infidelity. 4 Gore descriptions. 5. violence. Please...

forum.scribblehub.com

 

[N.K.Watson]

I think you can focus on what happened to the siblings and describe their grim situation and maybe the mc arguing with the parents at first about their decision to move house. I think that will be more realistic.

Mentioning outfits is fine but repeating it back to back is like a bit silly. You can keep it there if you want, I just think it’s unnecessary lol

Hi! I just read your story up to Chapter 4, and here are my thoughts:

- The format of your story reads like a traditionally published book. I saw a comment on your first chapter mentioning the line spacing, but honestly, I think it’s fine. Readers on Scribble Hub tend to prefer 1–3 lines per paragraph for easier reading, but your style feels more classic and conservative.
- The pacing, however, is a bit of an issue. The language is fine, but I felt like half of Chapter 1 just dragged on with the morning routine and gardening. Not much happens until the final paragraphs, where her brother gets attacked. I’d suggest shortening the earlier part of the chapter to get to the core conflict faster. (Same goes for chapter 3…)
- Because of the slower pacing and long chapters, you might lose some readers’ attention early on. Chapter 2 felt better paced, with more interaction and events, so it didn’t feel as mundane.
- For Chapter 1, I think you should introduce the hook earlier instead of leaving it until the end.
- Beyond the pacing, the synopsis gives away too much of the plot, making it feel a bit generic and predictable (but the plot is decent). It reminded me of something I might find on Wattpad or AO3, though with much stronger writing on your part. (I’m not comparing your writing to theirs, just the plot structure.)
- There’s also a noticeable pattern when you introduce characters. You name them and then immediately describe their appearance, usually starting with hair colour. It’s useful but becomes a bit repetitive after a while.
- Overall, it’s a well-edited and smoothly written story. Despite the chunky paragraphs, I was able to keep reading several chapters. Still, I feel like the pacing and somewhat predictable storyline hold the writing back a bit.

Thank you so much! I am writing a more traditional novel, but with no experience, I thought that posting places like this would be a good way to learn.
I thought I was rushing the story too much, but maybe I slowed it down too much when worrying about rushing it!
I am still working on a rewrite of the synopsis as well - this one I've been told before! I'm struggling with that aspect though, too indecisive.
I AM on Wattpad, although I've gotten literally zero attention there, it seems MUCH harder to get any eyes there. I'm also on ScribbleHub.

My favorite comment - the character descriptions. I hadn't noticed i was doing that at all! I just posted chapter 6 with the same description style, introducing my MMC. Time to fix!

 

[Yuin]

This is my first attempt, I have no clue how people will receive it.

Reality Shift Protocol

Rey's ordinary teenage life shatters. He gains incredible powers, seemingly from a novel deeply tied to his past: Instantaneous [Point Transfer]. A vast [Pocket Dimension]. Heightened [Third Eye] perception. The dangerously unpredictable [Alter Ego]. And the reality bending [Save & Load]...

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Hi! I just finished your novel, and here are my thoughts:

- The idea is very interesting! It focuses on the MC’s self discovery and his personal development, untangling complicated relationships he has with the other characters and hopefully resolving the issues that have been tormenting him (such as his sister and his table mate).
- The synopsis is also short and simple without revealing much of the plot. The general concept and theme is established and it’s a great start to the story!
- The language was strong up until chapter 3, but I felt a drop in energy and description afterward, likely because the focus shifted more toward dialogue.
- In chapter 1, about 1/3 of it was spent describing the dimensional rift and the shifting dynamics that disrupted the MC’s senses and logic. It was well written, and your language is superb, using it to your advantage by rephrasing the same concepts in varied ways. However, it started to feel repetitive and dragged on a bit too long, which made it tiring to read.
- Eventually, I was introduced to the MC’s loving parents and his complicated relationship with his adopted older sister
- Then Rose appeared, and the transition felt a bit awkward and rough. She suddenly launched into an explanation about the black hole, and the MC snapped, ranting about his bottled-up feelings at a train station? I understand the goal might’ve been to get philosophical, but their conversation felt like it only existed to showcase the MC’s new powers after the dimensional rift, rather than being a natural interaction.
- The confrontation between them came across as overly angsty for chapter 1, especially since it was the only major climax before the energy returned to baseline.
- Afterward, the MC successfully rewinds time and has to repeat the same events again, right? Then suddenly, Ash appears out of nowhere, drops a huge lore bomb, and just walks off. The man he is, honestly. His dialogue was great, and I understood the conditions of the MC’s abilities clearly, but it still felt like pure exposition.
- Chapter 3 started to lose me. It wasn’t confusing, just mundane. The dialogue was entertaining to read out loud, but it felt scripted rather than natural. It was very anime-coded with dramatic effects, but without vocal tone, it came off more silly and chuuni. Then came the classic student groups setup, and again, there was no action or movement in the plot.
- Overall, this work has a lot of potential, and I genuinely enjoyed parts of it. But the story sequence and pacing disrupt the reading experience. What exactly is the MC’s goal with his abilities? I feel like even he doesn’t know, which makes the direction of the plot feel unclear.
- Anyways, I feel like there’s no need to change anything if you don’t want to! But for subsequent chapters, you can consider the points mentioned above and work on the smoothness and connection between each event. Please continue to write and keep up with your language

 

[CosmicWonder]

- The idea is very interesting! It focuses on the MC’s self discovery and his personal development, untangling complicated relationships he has with the other characters and hopefully resolving the

The idea, at least initially, is for the superpowers to play a supporting role, not be the star of the show. For now, the interpersonal struggles are the main focus.

- The language was strong up until chapter 3, but I felt a drop in energy and description afterward, likely because the focus shifted more toward dialogue.

I had a similar feeling about simplifying certain sections, and it was for the very reason you just pointed out.

- In chapter 1, about 1/3 of it was spent describing the dimensional rift and the shifting dynamics that disrupted the MC’s senses and logic. It was well written, and your language is superb, using it to your advantage by rephrasing the same concepts in varied ways. However, it started to feel repetitive and dragged on a bit too long, which made it tiring to read.

I know I overwrote it. By the way, you really encouraged me to tackle that problem. So, I tightened up that part, and it's now about half the word count with a relatively similar impact. I still feel like something's lacking, though.

- Then Rose appeared, and the transition felt a bit awkward and rough. She suddenly launched into an explanation about the black hole, and the MC snapped, ranting about his bottled-up feelings at a train station? I understand the goal might’ve been to get philosophical, but their conversation felt like it only existed to showcase the MC’s new powers after the dimensional rift, rather than being a natural interaction.

Yeah, you totally saw through that! I completely reworked that part and threw out the philosophy stuff (lol), precisely because I felt the same way. I've even given Iris (adopted sister) a more significant role because I think Rose's problem will have more room to breathe in later chapters.

- Afterward, the MC successfully rewinds time and has to repeat the same events again, right? Then suddenly, Ash appears out of nowhere, drops a huge lore bomb, and just walks off. The man he is, honestly. His dialogue was great, and I understood the conditions of the MC’s abilities clearly, but it still felt like pure exposition.

this part mainly introduce Ash as a significant side character that will play a big role, while also giving perspective to MC at the same time.

- Chapter 3 started to lose me. It wasn’t confusing, just mundane. The dialogue was entertaining to read out loud, but it felt scripted rather than natural. It was very anime-coded with dramatic effects, but without vocal tone, it came off more silly and chuuni. Then came the classic student groups setup, and again, there was no action or movement in the plot.

Yes, that's a valid way to see it. My goal was to introduce the dynamic within the MC's group of friends while also adding more texture to his personality. I'm still debating with myself whether I'll revise it to advance the plot. I am, however a lil tiny bit proud of the second part..

- Overall, this work has a lot of potential, and I genuinely enjoyed parts of it. But the story sequence and pacing disrupt the reading experience. What exactly is the MC’s goal with his abilities? I feel like even he doesn’t know, which makes the direction of the plot feel unclear.

Yes, that's an accurate way to put it. The MC's role is currently just to live his life; he's not a hero and isn't trying to be one. However, subsequent chapters will change that.

- Anyways, I feel like there’s no need to change anything if you don’t want to! But for subsequent chapters, you can consider the points mentioned above and work on the smoothness and connection between each event. Please continue to write and keep up with your language

Believe me, your input was a breath of fresh air. I had mostly the same ideas about the weaknesses, but I needed a third party's opinion.