It's a new novel. I Just want a three chapter comment swap. I'll be really grateful.

[Kittylovely]

Please rate and comment for the three pages and I'll do same! ?.

What A Strange Transmigration [WAST Rewritten]

“.... Am I even allowed to die?” . . . Ever lived a life of no control? Dina, an intersex, with a second personality that was obsessed with a man who would rather have nothing to do with her, longed for death every passing day of her life. Her stalkerish behavior was finally exposed,...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[MasterY001]

Seems intriguing. I'll check it out tomorrow.

 

[StoneInky]

Please rate and comment for the three pages and I'll do same! ?.

What A Strange Transmigration [WAST Rewritten]

“.... Am I even allowed to die?” . . . Ever lived a life of no control? Dina, an intersex, with a second personality that was obsessed with a man who would rather have nothing to do with her, longed for death every passing day of her life. Her stalkerish behavior was finally exposed,...

www.scribblehub.com

Um... the synopsis seems... intriguing? I shall try and respond! You can try my novel too, if you want. I have two, both only a few chapters long right now. I needdddd to update but I am lazyyyy, lmao.

Edit: Oh gosh, this is BL. I wrote BL too, lmaoooo. Looking even more forward to it!

 

[StoneInky]

Please rate and comment for the three pages and I'll do same! ?.

What A Strange Transmigration [WAST Rewritten]

“.... Am I even allowed to die?” . . . Ever lived a life of no control? Dina, an intersex, with a second personality that was obsessed with a man who would rather have nothing to do with her, longed for death every passing day of her life. Her stalkerish behavior was finally exposed,...

www.scribblehub.com

First Impression:

Cover is pwetty. Title is nice.

You need to use more commas in your synopsis, especially in the first sentence. It sounded cool, but I had no idea who you are referring to cuz of that. I was also fed with a lot of info and not much clarity, but I hope the first chapter will explain things.

Prologue is just a repeat of the synopsis and feels unnecessary, but eh. You can leave it if you want. Nobody will care.


Thoughts on the Novel:

Worlds in Order was just...weird? Why are you telling us that first? That should belong in your notes or outline, you don't have to tell your readers this. Or use them as chapter titles. Hm... but again, nobody would really care. I skipped it, lmao.

First chapter. Yay. It did not explain things. What I mean by explain, is not literal exposition, but letting the reader understand the situation and making things clear. Instead your MC recites prose on top of a cliff. It half works. I dig the atmosphere and the first part, but I dislike the prosey part, especially the paragraph starting with "You...your appearance". Couldn't understand a word.

The plop. I'm unsure if you did it intentionally, but I cannot tell if the MC died or not with just this word. You need more clarity, a sentence or two just teling us flatout that she died.

Next. The tone shifts are incredibly abrupt. You went from a girl lamenting her fate and dying, to her suddenly ripping someone's shirt off. It doesn't feel real, or like it just happened. And coupled with the no clarity on her death before, readers don't get the feel that she died. She doesn't act like she just died, see what I mean? She acts like she went to the club and found a hot guy on a Tuesday. Then her eyes suddenly quiver and we're serious again, and she's taking the deal. Another sudden tone switch. She goes from horny to serious again.

Lastly, at the end, who is the MC talking to? IT? The man? Herself? It is all so confusing.

...I wrote this review half asleep at 3AM, so don't take things too seriously. Good nighttttt.

Edit: Rechecked in morning. 3AM me was right. But I also want to add that the writing itself had a lot of charm, and you chose your novel's starting point well. I also like how you didn't overexplain anything, or go into long bits of exposition. If you tidy things up, I think your synopsis alone should have the power to attract lots of readers. Byeeee.

 

[Kittylovely]

First Impression:

Cover is pwetty. Title is nice.

You need to use more commas in your synopsis, especially in the first sentence. It sounded cool, but I had no idea who you are referring to cuz of that. We're also fed witha lot of info and not much clarity, but I hope the first chapter will explain things.

Prologue is just a repeat of the synopsis and feels unnecessary, but eh. You can leave it if you want. Nobody will care.


Thoughts on the Novel:

Worlds in Order was just...weird? Why are you telling us that first? That should belong in your notes or outline, you don't have to tell your readers this. Or use them as chapter titles. Hm...another interesting choice. I skipped it, lmao.

First chapter. Yay. It did not explain things. What I mean by explain, is not literal exposition, but letting the reader understand the situation and making things. But instead your MC recites prose on top of a cliff. It half works. I dig the atmosphere and the first part, but I dislike the prosey part, especially the paragraph starting with "You...your appearance". Couldn't understand a word.

The plop. I'm unsure if you did it intentionally, but I cannot tell if the MC died or not with just this word. You need more clarity, a sentence or two if she died or not.

Next. The tone shifts are incredibly abrupt. You went from a girl lamenting her fate and dying, to her suddenly ripping someone's shirt off. It doesn't feel real, or like it just happened. And coupled with the no clarity on her death before, readers don't really get the feel that she died. She doesn't act like she just died, see what I mean? She acts like she went to the club and found a hot guy on a Tuesday. Then her eyes suddenly quiver and we're serious again, and she's taking the deal. Another sudden tone switch. And we are back to fancy speak again! Yay.

Lastly, at the end, who is the MC talking to? IT? The man? Herself? It is all so confusing.

...I wrote this review half asleep at 3AM, so don't take things too seriously. Good nighttttt. Will recheck in morning.

No it's fine, thanks for the criticism! I'm really grateful and for the worlds in order... I guess it's to hype the readers. It's usually a kind of ritual in quick transmigration. Do you suggest I uproot them?

 

[StoneInky]

No it's fine, thanks for the criticism! I'm really grateful and for the worlds in order... I guess it's to hype the readers. It's usually a kind of ritual in quick transmigration. Do you suggest I uproot them?

Hm... I do read quick transmigration, BL and HL, so I get what you're talking about. Argh... hm...

It's personal choice, I guess. Most readers will skip past it anyway, so if you really want it to be there, you can include it without much problem. Just make the chapter titles more clear. Right now, the title makes it look like the first chapter.

 

[Kittylovely]

First Impression:

Cover is pwetty. Title is nice.

You need to use more commas in your synopsis, especially in the first sentence. It sounded cool, but I had no idea who you are referring to cuz of that. We're also fed witha lot of info and not much clarity, but I hope the first chapter will explain things.

Prologue is just a repeat of the synopsis and feels unnecessary, but eh. You can leave it if you want. Nobody will care.


Thoughts on the Novel:

Worlds in Order was just...weird? Why are you telling us that first? That should belong in your notes or outline, you don't have to tell your readers this. Or use them as chapter titles. Hm...another interesting choice. I skipped it, lmao.

First chapter. Yay. It did not explain things. What I mean by explain, is not literal exposition, but letting the reader understand the situation and making things. But instead your MC recites prose on top of a cliff. It half works. I dig the atmosphere and the first part, but I dislike the prosey part, especially the paragraph starting with "You...your appearance". Couldn't understand a word.

The plop. I'm unsure if you did it intentionally, but I cannot tell if the MC died or not with just this word. You need more clarity, a sentence or two if she died or not.

Next. The tone shifts are incredibly abrupt. You went from a girl lamenting her fate and dying, to her suddenly ripping someone's shirt off. It doesn't feel real, or like it just happened. And coupled with the no clarity on her death before, readers don't really get the feel that she died. She doesn't act like she just died, see what I mean? She acts like she went to the club and found a hot guy on a Tuesday. Then her eyes suddenly quiver and we're serious again, and she's taking the deal. Another sudden tone switch. And we are back to fancy speak again! Yay.

Lastly, at the end, who is the MC talking to? IT? The man? Herself? It is all so confusing.

...I wrote this review half asleep at 3AM, so don't take things too seriously. Good nighttttt. Will recheck in morning.

Firstly, her reaction was bcs she thought the dude was like her mind giving her a final send off, which is why she said 'perfect figment to send me off' (I should place of my imagination to clarify).

Secondly, our character is meant to be more logical and calm so her being that disoriented is actually to show that she just died and can't understand what the heck is going on (I guess I was looking from the vision of the character herself and not the readers ?. Plop was purposely left ambiguous. The beginning prose and the rest, will make more sense as the plot unravels. Who 'IT' is will also be explored as we move on.

Her taking the deal was a moment of desperation. If you really notice, there's inbetween the line hints that she still does not believe what's unraveling before her eyes but is so desperate to get rid of IT and live freely she agrees. I guess I'll also clarify that.

So, your review was well received! It opened a whole new perspective to me, I actually thought the chapters were too straightforward and wondered if I should layer it in more not knowing it was the direct opposite...?. Thank you for your help ?. You are very kind.

 

[StoneInky]

Firstly, her reaction was bcs she thought the dude was like her mind giving her a final send off, which is why she said 'perfect figment to send me off' (I should place of my imagination to clarify).

Secondly, our character is meant to be more logical and calm so her being that disoriented is actually to show that she just died and can't understand what the heck is going on (I guess I was looking from the vision of the character herself and not the readers ?. Plop was purposely left ambiguous. The beginning prose and the rest, will make more sense as the plot unravels. Who 'IT' is will also be explored as we move on.

Her taking the deal was a moment of desperation. If you really notice, there's inbetween the line hints that she still does not believe what's unraveling before her eyes but is so desperate to get rid of IT and live freely she agrees. I guess I'll also clarify that.

So, your review was well received! It opened a whole new perspective to me, I actually thought the chapters were too straightforward and wondered if I should layer it in more not knowing it was the direct opposite...?. Thank you for your help ?. You are very kind.

I totally understand that, lmao. Sometimes we write things with reasons in mind, but execution make the result seem...confusing.
I'll tell you the specific things I find confusing, then.

Dina, an intersex with a second personality obsessed with a man who would rather have nothing to do with her longed for death every passing day of her life.

So... is Dina's second personality obsessed with a man? Or is Dina obsessed with a man? And 'longed for death', and I think it's about Dina, but since the sentence is too long, it feels more like it's about 'the man'.

Her stalkerish behavior was finally exposed and her social life, the only thing she had going, crumbled.

Again, is this Dina? Or Dina's second personality?

“If I stabbed you, would you bleed ink?” She chuckled.

So... this feels like Dina? Writing this sentence after 'stalkerish behavior' makes it sound like Dina is a stalker, who's about to stab that man she likes. Except... is it Dina? Or Dina's second personality? What?

She agreed. Despite everything, she still had a question she wanted an answer to.

“If I stabbed you, would you bleed ink?”

...She's talking to that man who transmigrates her, right? So... she is asking this new man? If she stabs him, will he bleed ink? So this is a love story between this man and Dina? Where the heck did the second personality go? What about the previous man she stalked?

...Okay, and now we see the actual novel, and... nope! Dina does not show up stabbing any men. No men are longing for death. Dina is mad at her second personality, which is 'IT' I think? Is that second personality the man she hates or something?

Plop!

Okay, she goes plop. Not even splash. Plop. Is she really dead?

“What? I'm not allowed to fuck you? So I can't even have this one last thing— well, fine! Why am I even here?! Did you just wanna tease me even after I died. You fucking insufferabl—”

Sudden tone whiplash. But it does look like she is horny for this man, who I now finally know was the man she was obsessed about before, so... is that it? The story is about dead Dina liking hot man and transmigrating? Where did the second personality go again?

“I still don't believe any of this is even real but regardless, I'm not interested,” her face fell, “I'm so damn tired of fighting for a fucking life that's not gonna be me living it. What, then, do I do within the mission world once IT decapitates me? Would that be counted against me or forgiven? If forgiven, for how long would the Bureau extend such sympathy? I'm tired you see.”

Okay, I assumed IT was the second personality, but now it looks like it's not. If the second personality decapitates her, they'll die too. So... what the heck is it? Counted against me? Has she done something wrong before? 'What then, do I do within', is too clunky, doesn't work well. The Bureau extend such sympathy? This makes it sound like she knows the Bureau personally, and very well. Does she?

These are the questions I had throughout the entire novel, and why I said it was confusing. You should edit the novel, so the questions that should not be there get addressed. Not all of them, just the ones you don't want your readers to ask. You can change your sentence structure, add sentences or clarity, and add commas or names to clean it up. :)

Example:

Dina, intersex, with a second personality. She is obsessed with a man who would rather have nothing to do with her. And because of this, she longs for death, every passing day of her life.

Especially after Dina's stalkerish behavior is exposed, and her social life, the only thing she had going, crumbled.

"If I stabbed you, would you bleed ink?" She chuckled.

This makes things clear that Dina is a weird stalker who happens to also be intersex and have a second personality. Just by changing the sentences a little, you can make them mean ANYTHING. Edit your sentences to match your ideas and make em clear.

 

[Kittylovely]

I totally understand that, lmao. Sometimes we write things with reasons in mind, but execution make the result seem...confusing.
I'll tell you the specific things I find confusing, then.


So... is Dina's second personality obsessed with a man? Or is Dina obsessed with a man? And 'longed for death', and I think it's about Dina, but since the sentence is too long, it feels more like it's about 'the man'.


Again, is this Dina? Or Dina's second personality?


So... this feels like Dina? Writing this sentence after 'stalkerish behavior' makes it sound like Dina is a stalker, who's about to stab that man she likes. Except... is it Dina? Or Dina's second personality? What?


...She's talking to that man who transmigrates her, right? So... she is asking this new man? If she stabs him, will he bleed ink? So this is a love story between this man and Dina? Where the heck did the second personality go? What about the previous man she stalked?

...Okay, and now we see the actual novel, and... nope! Dina does not show up stabbing any men. No men are longing for death. Dina is mad at her second personality, which is 'IT' I think? Is that second personality the man she hates or something?


Okay, she goes plop. Not even splash. Plop. Is she really dead?


Sudden tone whiplash. But it does look like she is horny for this man, who I now finally know was the man she was obsessed about before, so... is that it? The story is about dead Dina liking hot man and transmigrating? Where did the second personality go again?


Okay, I assumed IT was the second personality, but now it looks like it's not. If the second personality decapitates her, they'll die too. So... what the heck is it? Counted against me? Has she done something wrong before? 'What then, do I do within', is too clunky, doesn't work well. The Bureau extend such sympathy? This makes it sound like she knows the Bureau personally, and very well. Does she?

These are the questions I had throughout the entire novel, and why I said it was confusing. You should edit the novel, so the questions that should not be there get addressed. Not all of them, just the ones you don't want your readers to ask. You can change your sentence structure, add sentences or clarity, and add commas or names to clean it up. :)

Oh my goodness Thank you for pointing that out ?. I meant incapacitate.

I totally understand that, lmao. Sometimes we write things with reasons in mind, but execution make the result seem...confusing.
I'll tell you the specific things I find confusing, then.


So... is Dina's second personality obsessed with a man? Or is Dina obsessed with a man? And 'longed for death', and I think it's about Dina, but since the sentence is too long, it feels more like it's about 'the man'.


Again, is this Dina? Or Dina's second personality?


So... this feels like Dina? Writing this sentence after 'stalkerish behavior' makes it sound like Dina is a stalker, who's about to stab that man she likes. Except... is it Dina? Or Dina's second personality? What?


...She's talking to that man who transmigrates her, right? So... she is asking this new man? If she stabs him, will he bleed ink? So this is a love story between this man and Dina? Where the heck did the second personality go? What about the previous man she stalked?

...Okay, and now we see the actual novel, and... nope! Dina does not show up stabbing any men. No men are longing for death. Dina is mad at her second personality, which is 'IT' I think? Is that second personality the man she hates or something?


Okay, she goes plop. Not even splash. Plop. Is she really dead?


Sudden tone whiplash. But it does look like she is horny for this man, who I now finally know was the man she was obsessed about before, so... is that it? The story is about dead Dina liking hot man and transmigrating? Where did the second personality go again?


Okay, I assumed IT was the second personality, but now it looks like it's not. If the second personality decapitates her, they'll die too. So... what the heck is it? Counted against me? Has she done something wrong before? 'What then, do I do within', is too clunky, doesn't work well. The Bureau extend such sympathy? This makes it sound like she knows the Bureau personally, and very well. Does she?

These are the questions I had throughout the entire novel, and why I said it was confusing. You should edit the novel, so the questions that should not be there get addressed. Not all of them, just the ones you don't want your readers to ask. You can change your sentence structure, add sentences or clarity, and add commas or names to clean it up. :)

Example:

This makes things clear that Dina is a weird stalker who happens to also be intersex and have a second personality. Just by changing the sentences a little, you can make them mean ANYTHING. Edit your sentences to match your ideas and make em clear.

Thank you very much I took everything into correction. Now I'm worried I won't go this hard when reviewing yours ?

I totally understand that, lmao. Sometimes we write things with reasons in mind, but execution make the result seem...confusing.
I'll tell you the specific things I find confusing, then.


So... is Dina's second personality obsessed with a man? Or is Dina obsessed with a man? And 'longed for death', and I think it's about Dina, but since the sentence is too long, it feels more like it's about 'the man'.


Again, is this Dina? Or Dina's second personality?


So... this feels like Dina? Writing this sentence after 'stalkerish behavior' makes it sound like Dina is a stalker, who's about to stab that man she likes. Except... is it Dina? Or Dina's second personality? What?


...She's talking to that man who transmigrates her, right? So... she is asking this new man? If she stabs him, will he bleed ink? So this is a love story between this man and Dina? Where the heck did the second personality go? What about the previous man she stalked?

...Okay, and now we see the actual novel, and... nope! Dina does not show up stabbing any men. No men are longing for death. Dina is mad at her second personality, which is 'IT' I think? Is that second personality the man she hates or something?


Okay, she goes plop. Not even splash. Plop. Is she really dead?


Sudden tone whiplash. But it does look like she is horny for this man, who I now finally know was the man she was obsessed about before, so... is that it? The story is about dead Dina liking hot man and transmigrating? Where did the second personality go again?


Okay, I assumed IT was the second personality, but now it looks like it's not. If the second personality decapitates her, they'll die too. So... what the heck is it? Counted against me? Has she done something wrong before? 'What then, do I do within', is too clunky, doesn't work well. The Bureau extend such sympathy? This makes it sound like she knows the Bureau personally, and very well. Does she?

These are the questions I had throughout the entire novel, and why I said it was confusing. You should edit the novel, so the questions that should not be there get addressed. Not all of them, just the ones you don't want your readers to ask. You can change your sentence structure, add sentences or clarity, and add commas or names to clean it up. :)

Example:

This makes things clear that Dina is a weird stalker who happens to also be intersex and have a second personality. Just by changing the sentences a little, you can make them mean ANYTHING. Edit your sentences to match your ideas and make em clear.

You should send your link. I'll be done by today's end. I'll try to be as thorough as you ?

 

[Fairemont]

I read and left some comments, but it is... a difficult read.

You've talent as a writer and a good, creative brain on your shoulders, but you may have gone too heavy on infodumps in the first two chapters.

Almost nothing happens, but the reader is blasted with more content than they are going to need to know anytime soon.

In my humble opinion, you'd have been better off launching right into the action in chapter two and retroactively explaining her training as it becomes relevant.

 

[Kittylovely]

I read and left some comments, but it is... a difficult read.

You've talent as a writer and a good, creative brain on your shoulders, but you may have gone too heavy on infodumps in the first two chapters.

Almost nothing happens, but the reader is blasted with more content than they are going to need to know anytime soon.

In my humble opinion, you'd have been better off launching right into the action in chapter two and retroactively explaining her training as it becomes relevant.

Thank you for this. I'll see what I can do

 

[Fairemont]

I wouldn't worry about it. Not from my comments alone. Not only am I picky to start with, you write in a style that is almost opposite from how I do, so it stands to reason that my bias would be influencing my opinion substantially.

Just lock my thoughts away in the back of your mind in case others start saying the same things. That way, you can passively prepare if you feel a need to make changes later.

 

[Shirobaxy]

Please rate and comment for the three pages and I'll do same! ?.

What A Strange Transmigration [WAST Rewritten]

“.... Am I even allowed to die?” . . . Ever lived a life of no control? Dina, an intersex, with a second personality that was obsessed with a man who would rather have nothing to do with her, longed for death every passing day of her life. Her stalkerish behavior was finally exposed,...

www.scribblehub.com

I have done my part. Here's my novel, Reincarnated into a Failed Marriage

I gave my opinions there but I'll write here in detail.

You got a lot of strength, you know how to write even though your formatting and grammar can be a little 'break the flow' but you know how to tell a story.

But that comes with a downside too, you told too a little too much. You can hold back, foreshadow more, develop a main idea first. I feel like this can go far if you touch up.

Anyways it's still good. I wanna see more of it with proper touchups.

Like more inner monologues of the MC, more exploring that, idk you feel me? Your ideas are strong so I hope you take this positively.

 

[Kittylovely]

I have done my part. Here's my novel, Reincarnated into a Failed Marriage

I gave my opinions there but I'll write here in detail.

You got a lot of strength, you know how to write even though your formatting and grammar can be a little 'break the flow' but you know how to tell a story.

But that comes with a downside too, you told too a little too much. You can hold back, foreshadow more, develop a main idea first. I feel like this can go far if you touch up.

Anyways it's still good. I wanna see more of it with proper touchups.

Like more inner monologues of the MC, more exploring that, idk you feel me? Your ideas are strong so I hope you take this positively.

Give me by tomorrow. It's midnight here my side but I've added to my list and will do justice to it by tomorrow! I keep trying to rate but why do i keep seeing VPN detected' ?

 

[AYM]

Give me by tomorrow. It's midnight here my side but I've added to my list and will do justice to it by tomorrow! I keep trying to rate but why do i keep seeing VPN detected' ?

Scribble Hub's security formation does not allow you to cast ratings while donning the Mask of a Thousand Faces.

 

[Kittylovely]

Scribble Hub's security formation does not allow you to cast ratings while donning the Mask of a Thousand Faces.

I'm using my main account though... And I only have one.

 

[AYM]

I'm using my main account though... And I only have one.

*Coughs* ...while donning the Mask of a Thousand Faces (vpn).

 

[Shirobaxy]

Give me by tomorrow. It's midnight here my side but I've added to my list and will do justice to it by tomorrow! I keep trying to rate but why do i keep seeing VPN detected' ?

sure!

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

I took the time and read everything with said story that you asked for a review on.
First, I am not a brutal person in the least. This is also just my own opinion and it can be wrong, so there's that.
Second, you don't need to read over anything of mine. I mean you CAN read my things, but not for the sake of this thread and review.

Third. I am clearly not the reader you want. I seldom read much in the way of multiple worlds or reincarnation. (Yes, I realize that a majority of the content on SH is about that exact thing) So I am not really your target audience, thus will miss some of the nuances that come with the genre.

Overall? I think you have the skeleton of an interesting concept going on. Folks that love multiple worlds, multiple lives, multiple romances and a deeper understanding of fighting an inner demon will - if you pull it off - love the concept.

Having said all that, here are a few things that I think need to be reviewed.
- Prologue. I found it disjointed and difficult to read. Not that it was bad, it was just hard to grasp. There is a heavy reliance on pronouns without any indication to whom or what they belong to. While it might not be important in the long term, giving a name to faces is always a good thing. I would take out the long scroll to indicate getting to the 'transition' place. Just put the paragraphs together and in a logical order. A line/page break is all you truly need to keep the story flowing. If it is a major change in topic, just start another chapter.
- Worlds in order. I like the concepts here. You show a lovely list of worlds that Dina could possibly travel to, but ultimately stick her into the romance world. I am not sure why the others matter, unless you choose to use them later in your story. Either way, this might be best served to move to a better location within the story, perhaps while Dina is in training? Rather than a list, have her learning them. I just think integrating the worlds into the book is probably better than just a list that could be dumped into the 'Glossary' section of the site.
-A New Life. I am not a fan of the over use of ellipsis. Dots where it should be text, it could just be a 'me' thing, but reading a long list of dots with two tiny sentences - with one that can't be understood, didn't do much for me. You'd be better off just starting with "Her eyes looked up ahead..." Beyond that you go right back into the overuse of pronouns. By this time we already know her name, so just use it. If you want the mystery of who 'she' is then you probably need to go back and work the story so the mystery holds up until Dina reaches the Bureau. 'Plop!' While cute, doesn't really convey the mystery of her transition. You could use that space to describe so much more before she ended up in front of the good-looking gentleman. Take out the scroll dots, and that 'plop'. Perhaps this is just a thing in the genre, but you go back and rewrite part of the Prologue, which you've already given the reader. It isn't really necessary to give that again.
-Training Program. This is by far the best section. You actually get to what you are setting up for the remainder of the story, though I think the training is a bit rushed. Delve into it a bit, maybe even include a certain amount of training to deal with 'IT' so Dina doesn't drag that hindrance into the romances she means to fix - unless 'IT' is going to be a major theme throughout.

Basically, the biggest issue for me is the layout. I am not a huge fan of the spacing. Bring it together and edit. I think you could expand a bit more on Dina, 'IT' and issues that drove her to the madness before the cliff.
If I had to guess, it's a case of you being SO excited that you want to get things out in print as the thought hits you. Which is lovely, excitement and fun should be the reason you are taking all this time to write the story in the first place. Take a breath, focus what you want, think about how the past relates to the plot(s) you want and go from there. It isn't a race.
If you don't outline, then perhaps this is a good time to start. Outlining the basic concepts of the chapter should help you pace what you want to see in the story overall.

It's got lots of potential, don't give up!
Be well and I hope this helped you a tiny bit.

 

[Kittylovely]

I took the time and read everything with said story that you asked for a review on.
First, I am not a brutal person in the least. This is also just my own opinion and it can be wrong, so there's that.
Second, you don't need to read over anything of mine. I mean you CAN read my things, but not for the sake of this thread and review.

Third. I am clearly not the reader you want. I seldom read much in the way of multiple worlds or reincarnation. (Yes, I realize that a majority of the content on SH is about that exact thing) So I am not really your target audience, thus will miss some of the nuances that come with the genre.

Overall? I think you have the skeleton of an interesting concept going on. Folks that love multiple worlds, multiple lives, multiple romances and a deeper understanding of fighting an inner demon will - if you pull it off - love the concept.

Having said all that, here are a few things that I think need to be reviewed.
- Prologue. I found it disjointed and difficult to read. Not that it was bad, it was just hard to grasp. There is a heavy reliance on pronouns without any indication to whom or what they belong to. While it might not be important in the long term, giving a name to faces is always a good thing. I would take out the long scroll to indicate getting to the 'transition' place. Just put the paragraphs together and in a logical order. A line/page break is all you truly need to keep the story flowing. If it is a major change in topic, just start another chapter.
- Worlds in order. I like the concepts here. You show a lovely list of worlds that Dina could possibly travel to, but ultimately stick her into the romance world. I am not sure why the others matter, unless you choose to use them later in your story. Either way, this might be best served to move to a better location within the story, perhaps while Dina is in training? Rather than a list, have her learning them. I just think integrating the worlds into the book is probably better than just a list that could be dumped into the 'Glossary' section of the site.
-A New Life. I am not a fan of the over use of ellipsis. Dots where it should be text, it could just be a 'me' thing, but reading a long list of dots with two tiny sentences - with one that can't be understood, didn't do much for me. You'd be better off just starting with "Her eyes looked up ahead..." Beyond that you go right back into the overuse of pronouns. By this time we already know her name, so just use it. If you want the mystery of who 'she' is then you probably need to go back and work the story so the mystery holds up until Dina reaches the Bureau. 'Plop!' While cute, doesn't really convey the mystery of her transition. You could use that space to describe so much more before she ended up in front of the good-looking gentleman. Take out the scroll dots, and that 'plop'. Perhaps this is just a thing in the genre, but you go back and rewrite part of the Prologue, which you've already given the reader. It isn't really necessary to give that again.
-Training Program. This is by far the best section. You actually get to what you are setting up for the remainder of the story, though I think the training is a bit rushed. Delve into it a bit, maybe even include a certain amount of training to deal with 'IT' so Dina doesn't drag that hindrance into the romances she means to fix - unless 'IT' is going to be a major theme throughout.

Basically, the biggest issue for me is the layout. I am not a huge fan of the spacing. Bring it together and edit. I think you could expand a bit more on Dina, 'IT' and issues that drove her to the madness before the cliff.
If I had to guess, it's a case of you being SO excited that you want to get things out in print as the thought hits you. Which is lovely, excitement and fun should be the reason you are taking all this time to write the story in the first place. Take a breath, focus what you want, think about how the past relates to the plot(s) you want and go from there. It isn't a race.
If you don't outline, then perhaps this is a good time to start. Outlining the basic concepts of the chapter should help you pace what you want to see in the story overall.

It's got lots of potential, don't give up!
Be well and I hope this helped you a tiny bit.

I see. Alright, I'm a sucker for criticism and from different perspectives so thank you for this. As for my response.

Firstly, the dots is meant to create an illusion of nothingness. Stillness. The story is from the perspective of Dina after all. Like the 'guess she'll never know' before 'plop' followed by dots before transition is to lead it all from her perspective that everything after her last words were basically in stillness. Nothing. That's it. Even the 'plop' was left purposely ambiguous bcs it's the same from her perspective.

So it's to show that she dissociated before her... Yk.

As for the rest of the dots, I'll reduce the needful ones to two so transition doesn’t take too much time. And then eliminate the rest of them.

Thanks for pointing out the ellipsis use. I'll reduce it too.

You probably haven't read quick transmigration, it's a list of the worlds she'll transmigrate to. It's basically a ritual of this genre— if you've read lots you'll understand what the world is for haha.

And as for 'IT', it's not a major concept of the story but something that'll reoccur eventually and be solved so not elaborating was done on purpose.

And going in depth to the training might risk readers being too bored or skipping the chapters (which is bad since they have important lore in them), they came for BL (all the yummy) and not Sci-fi (I know cause I skip ahead to the good stuff too lol).

I actually did an outline but I'm gonna revise it after the criticisms ?.

And lastly do you recommend I eliminate the prologue? I'm beginning to think the issue is that it's pratically useless and more of a summary of chapter one making it seem a bit redundant. What do you recommend?

I took the time and read everything with said story that you asked for a review on.
First, I am not a brutal person in the least. This is also just my own opinion and it can be wrong, so there's that.
Second, you don't need to read over anything of mine. I mean you CAN read my things, but not for the sake of this thread and review.

Third. I am clearly not the reader you want. I seldom read much in the way of multiple worlds or reincarnation. (Yes, I realize that a majority of the content on SH is about that exact thing) So I am not really your target audience, thus will miss some of the nuances that come with the genre.

Overall? I think you have the skeleton of an interesting concept going on. Folks that love multiple worlds, multiple lives, multiple romances and a deeper understanding of fighting an inner demon will - if you pull it off - love the concept.

Having said all that, here are a few things that I think need to be reviewed.
- Prologue. I found it disjointed and difficult to read. Not that it was bad, it was just hard to grasp. There is a heavy reliance on pronouns without any indication to whom or what they belong to. While it might not be important in the long term, giving a name to faces is always a good thing. I would take out the long scroll to indicate getting to the 'transition' place. Just put the paragraphs together and in a logical order. A line/page break is all you truly need to keep the story flowing. If it is a major change in topic, just start another chapter.
- Worlds in order. I like the concepts here. You show a lovely list of worlds that Dina could possibly travel to, but ultimately stick her into the romance world. I am not sure why the others matter, unless you choose to use them later in your story. Either way, this might be best served to move to a better location within the story, perhaps while Dina is in training? Rather than a list, have her learning them. I just think integrating the worlds into the book is probably better than just a list that could be dumped into the 'Glossary' section of the site.
-A New Life. I am not a fan of the over use of ellipsis. Dots where it should be text, it could just be a 'me' thing, but reading a long list of dots with two tiny sentences - with one that can't be understood, didn't do much for me. You'd be better off just starting with "Her eyes looked up ahead..." Beyond that you go right back into the overuse of pronouns. By this time we already know her name, so just use it. If you want the mystery of who 'she' is then you probably need to go back and work the story so the mystery holds up until Dina reaches the Bureau. 'Plop!' While cute, doesn't really convey the mystery of her transition. You could use that space to describe so much more before she ended up in front of the good-looking gentleman. Take out the scroll dots, and that 'plop'. Perhaps this is just a thing in the genre, but you go back and rewrite part of the Prologue, which you've already given the reader. It isn't really necessary to give that again.
-Training Program. This is by far the best section. You actually get to what you are setting up for the remainder of the story, though I think the training is a bit rushed. Delve into it a bit, maybe even include a certain amount of training to deal with 'IT' so Dina doesn't drag that hindrance into the romances she means to fix - unless 'IT' is going to be a major theme throughout.

Basically, the biggest issue for me is the layout. I am not a huge fan of the spacing. Bring it together and edit. I think you could expand a bit more on Dina, 'IT' and issues that drove her to the madness before the cliff.
If I had to guess, it's a case of you being SO excited that you want to get things out in print as the thought hits you. Which is lovely, excitement and fun should be the reason you are taking all this time to write the story in the first place. Take a breath, focus what you want, think about how the past relates to the plot(s) you want and go from there. It isn't a race.
If you don't outline, then perhaps this is a good time to start. Outlining the basic concepts of the chapter should help you pace what you want to see in the story overall.

It's got lots of potential, don't give up!
Be well and I hope this helped you a tiny bit.

I'm glad you liked the newest chapter! I actually did an info dump before. But then I was advised against it so I fixed it up, since you didn't mention that I'm guessing it's not that bad (the lore about the conception of existence).