PBJ_Time
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2023
- Messages
- 261
- Points
- 103
Excellent analysis, fam. You're right about Hajime not feeling like a well-rounded character in the initial chapters, and that's because I wanted to flesh him out more on the second arc, which involves travelling into a different game world for an important mission. You see, I want my story to be long-running, and as a consequence based on other critiques I've gotten, the pacing got muddled along with some of the characterization. I'll try my best one day to revise these issues, but I'm still so busy with my backlog, it's insane.So, I checked out your book on RR. Read about 8 chapters. I thought the premise in the blurb had a lot of potential to be fun and intense, so I gave it a go.
Even though I'm not a really a fan of in medias res in books, I thought dropping into the action right away was cool, especially since the premise seemed to promise some hack-n-slash action. And even though AI art gets ripped a lot, I thought your selections were fine and added some nice flavor. The system seems cool, and I legit enjoyed looking at all the options Hajime could choose. Also, the steak contest was a first for me in fiction, so hats off for that. I prefer pizza, but still.
There are a few things I didn't like, but the big one for me is that I couldn't care about or get invested in the main character, despite his based Hawaiian shirt and jeans outfit. I mean, you tell us very little about this cat. I don't know if he's a saint or a psycho, if he volunteers to help one-legged orphans, or dips kittens in kerosene and lights them on fire for fun. Nothin'.
And what are his stakes? There appears to be no character dilemma or any kind of tension. Death isn't even an issue, at least up to where I read. The worst I saw was that the lumberjack had to go to the hospital for a while.
Also, I tuned in because I was expecting some young buck to be squaring off with slimes and gobbos, but most of this seems to be about Hajime screwing around with other characters that are even harder to care about.
Despite all that, I followed and favorited because I think this story's premise could make for a wild story with some TLC and more focus.
If you want my unsolicited advice - which most people don't - I say you should write an intense, meaty prologue about Hajime with the aim of introducing the character in a sympathetic way along with his personal and existential stakes. Then, you should ax 90 percent of the characters and focus on the horde survival element.
For example, Hajime goes in for a Beware the Horde delve and some freaky new enemy eats the shit out of his buddies. He manages to pull off a win anyway, but doesn't return to Dork City as normal. Then it goes on from there until he can figure out how to get back/find a new path forward because he got his isekai girlfriend preggers and doesn't want his child to grow up with out him, or some tripe like that.
Anyway, don't give up, stay based and keep writing.
And don't worry about ratings too much, they mean very little in a world with bots and assholes flying around in all directions. The TRUE metric for success is how many copies of your work you can hock on Amazon. I am acquainted with an established author with years of experience who makes enough money with his books to provide for his family, but even he doesn't get super great numbers, ratings or attention on RR (compared to the big RR dawgs).
Rest assured, though, I have almost everything mapped out with how my story will continue. It might change as soon as I edit them, but the themes of killing billions of foes in one large area will always remain intact (that is if it doesn't involve traveling-into-other-worlds shenanigans). I might write a prologue with some of the suggestions you talked about, too. It sounds interesting.