Building Healthy Boundaries

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Have you ever experienced a strong emotion in response to a conflict? Maybe your friend kept pestering you about something you didn't want to do, but you kept getting increasingly frustrated over time until you snapped. Or perhaps it was something much smaller than that. It could be that your friend did something you felt uncomfortable with. If this keeps happening to you, you have not set healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are fundamental for interacting with other people. Not only should you set boundaries for what other people aren't allowed to do to you, but you should also set boundaries that show you care about yourself.

Example: You keep helping others out of your heart's kindness, but they take you for granted, or all of their problems become yours.

This shows that a clear boundary needs to be set for yourself and others. YOU ARE A PERSON TOO, AND BEING A PERSON means that you should also be cared for. You can't help everyone as it's impossible, so only help the ones you care about and respect your boundaries. Not having time to help others doesn't mean you don't care about them. It means that you care about yourself as well.

In this thread, you can share anything related to setting boundaries, whether physical, emotional, spiritual, etc. If anybody has good advice for setting boundaries, I would like to see it.
 
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SailusGebel said:
I am the one stepping over boundaries. And this is not a joke answer meant to make me look kewl. It has never been my intention, but I offended my friends more than once.
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You may not have built boundaries for yourself, either. The more you build boundaries, the more you can understand the boundaries of others. Someone might not tell you when you are stepping on their boundary until it's too late. If a person seems uncomfortable, it might mean you are pushing their boundary.
 
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SailusGebel said:
Nah, I made plenty of boundaries.

I understand, but when I am emotional I can't stop.
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That means you need to set an emotional boundary for yourself. Recognize that your emotions are real, but take time to think about them. Sometimes, you can even ask to leave a conversation that made you emotional.

Example: Someone makes you mad mid-conversation, so you are urged to insult that person (or other thing).

Rather than insult them, ask them if you can be excused from the conversation. "Hey, something you said made me upset, so I need a bit of time to myself to think." There might even be a better way to say it as well. But there is no problem with thinking something over for a bit; however, if thinking about it continues to upset you, then it might be time to set a new boundary. Or you can think about something else and come back to it with a fresh mind the next day.
 
GlassRose

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SailusGebel said:
I am the one stepping over boundaries. And this is not a joke answer meant to make me look kewl. It has never been my intention, but I offended my friends more than once.
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Same, though for me it's more stepping over boundaries of family, with other people I'm hyper-conscious of it and tend to be very reserved, because I've had boundaries drilled into me from a young age, cause I am a very touchy-feely kind of person when it comes to showing affection but my mother has a touch aversion disorder that makes that kind of stuff really, uncomfortable and/or painful? And my little brother apparently inherited it as well.

Well, I've also in the past been bad at social boundaries with friends, as in, discussing topics that not everyone was comfortable with, paired with an aggressive need to be right... I've been working on being mindful of those too.

Sadly I can't say much on the setting boundaries end, beyond making it absolutely clear, in plain terms, without bursting into a fit of emotion, where exactly one's boundary lays, specify specifically that it's a boundary, that it's not okay to cross it even if the intent is playful.

And remaining calm about it is important, at least to begin with (if the boundary keeps getting violated regardless, getting angry is completely understandable), because it's both vital to effective communication, and it's the best way to communicate how serious you are, even more so than getting angry. If the person violating the boundary was intending on playing, teasing, then if you get angry you are fulfilling their expectation on how the exchange is supposed to go and they won't realize that you're serious because their head is still stuck in 'play' mode. At least, that's how it's worked for me, being the one who was violating the boundary without fulling understanding that that's what I was doing.
 
RepresentingWrath

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RepresentingEnvy said:
That means you need to set an emotional boundary for yourself. Recognize that your emotions are real, but take time to think about them. Sometimes, you can even ask to leave a conversation that made you emotional.

Example: Someone makes you mad mid-conversation, so you are urged to insult that person (or other thing).

Rather than insult them, ask them if you can be excused from the conversation. "Hey, something you said made me upset, so I need a bit of time to myself to think." There might even be a better way to say it as well. But there is no problem with thinking something over for a bit; however, if thinking about it continues to upset you, then it might be time to set a new boundary. Or you can think about something else and come back to it with a fresh mind the next day.
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It's not about insults though? Nor is it about me being mad. It is more about me getting excited, and saying things I don't find offensive, but to the other person it is offensive. And I already do the thing, but it doesn't work all the time.
 
melchi

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I have two conversational boundaries.

1.) People addressing me in the imperative tense. This is not appropriate in casual conversation. If someone says "do this, get me that" unless they are in a position to warrant that (eg an employer) I tell them I find that rude.

2.) Addressing me in the second person. You are (xyx). This is also rude. Assigning lables, speculating on their motivations is rude. People should learn to ask open ended questions if they want to know I think about stuff or my motivations.
 
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SailusGebel said:
It's not about insults though? Nor is it about me being mad. It is more about me getting excited, and saying things I don't find offensive, but to the other person it is offensive. And I already do the thing, but it doesn't work all the time.
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Another thing about boundaries is that everyone's boundaries are different. If you want to keep those friends, it's better to respect their boundaries as much as possible; however, at the same time, part of having boundaries means you aren't obliged to not offend others. That being said, you really should try to respect the boundaries of your friends. Even being excited is a strong emotion, as is anger. So stepping away when you are excited is also good.
 
RepresentingWrath

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RepresentingEnvy said:
Another thing about boundaries is that everyone's boundaries are different. If you want to keep those friends, it's better to respect their boundaries as much as possible; however, at the same time, part of having boundaries means you aren't obliged to not offend others. That being said, you really should try to respect the boundaries of your friends. Even being excited is a strong emotion, as is anger. So stepping away when you are excited is also good.
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I know enby-chan, I know. BUT!
 
RepresentingWrath

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RepresentingEnvy said:
Well, we do all make mistakes as part of being human (or vampy), but if you continue to push a boundary, it is time for some self-evaluation.
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Jokes aside, as I mentioned before, it's hard for me to see boundaries. Yes, even though we were friends for a long time. Although I learn from my mistakes, I will make new ones. Also, it's not about boundarY, it's about boundarieS, and it's not a constant.
 
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melchi said:
I have two conversational boundaries.

1.) People addressing me in the imperative tense. This is not appropriate in casual conversation. If someone says "do this, get me that" unless they are in a position to warrant that (eg an employer) I tell them I find that rude.

2.) Addressing me in the second person. You are (xyx). This is also rude. Assigning lables, speculating on their motivations is rude. People should learn to ask open ended questions if they want to know I think about stuff or my motivations.
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As someone who has also experienced the motivations thing, I set that boundary too, and I don't take people seriously if they always assume my motives.
 
ThrillingHuman

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TheEldritchGod

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I prefer to set unhealthy boundaries.
Large walls around me to keep me totally separated from everyone so I can stand on top of those walls and go, "HAHA! You can't reach me up here!" Then I notice nobody wants to reach me so I get all sad and slump down behind the parapet and I haz a sad because I am all alone and just secretly want a hug but I can't let go of the rage at all the injustice done to me so I slap myself in the face, stand back up and stare stoically into the setting sun and allow myself a single tear because there is no one to see and to show weakness is death.
 
georgelee5786

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I only really snapped once due to him just constantly being an ass. Haven't since, though I still don't respect him.
 
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