Very bad free feedback thread.

[Azure_Fog]

I’ve been writing for around a month, any feedback would be appreciated.

Diary of an Adventuring Vampire

A vampire, an elf, a great spirit, a sealed god, and a princess form a party. What could possibly go wrong? Follow Ei and her friends as they dive into dungeons, travel around the world, and inadvertently cause chaos. Below the Kingdom of Astraeus, the Cult of...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Kalliel]

I would like to ask for some feedback on my story:
Ascendance of the Big Sister Monster Tamer

I read the first chapter.
There's two main problems I have with your writing.
Firstly, there are scenes that had absolutely zero buildup, which left me kinda disappointed.
For example, when the girl with scales healed the baby:
The girl touched the baby with a single finger, and in an instant, she recovered.
And when the mother died:
“Elise... My dear Elise...” She smiled. Then she raised her face to look at the girls and thanked them.

With that, she expired.
Read them again. It felt flat, right?

Next problem, info dumping.
You tried to explain everything and made the chapter way too long. It's unnecessary and honesty, a lost opportunity.
You could have kept it simple and explain them later, that would've been more natural.
But of course, this is just my preference, people might like it. I don know.

 

[Numero]

Hello there! Can you please share your wisdom with my novel?

Transforming the World

Zenon was expelled from the magic school that he had been studying for two years. He was deemed as 'Talentless' by his peers and professor alike. However, Zenon's life changed when he came across a fortunate accident that changed his life for better or worse. He obtained an Ancient Magic...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Kalliel]

I’ve been writing for around a month, any feedback would be appreciated.

Diary of an Adventuring Vampire

A vampire, an elf, a great spirit, a sealed god, and a princess form a party. What could possibly go wrong? Follow Ei and her friends as they dive into dungeons, travel around the world, and inadvertently cause chaos. Below the Kingdom of Astraeus, the Cult of...

www.scribblehub.com

I read the first two chapters.
Your story lacks depth, basically.
The characters seemed shallow, and progression ultimately didn't make much sense.
But, I understand.
I've read both kuma and the lazy vampire before after all. I see a lot of resemblances of those two in your story.
With that in mind, I think it was a bit clunkly, but readable overall.
Just, not my personal taste.
Also, don't divide paragraphs like that, they're too far apart.

 

[Azure_Fog]

I read the first two chapters.
Your story lacks depth, basically.
The characters seemed shallow, and progression ultimately didn't make much sense.
But, I understand.
I read both kuma and the lazy vampire before after all. I see a lot of resembles of those two in your story.
With that in mind, I think it was a bit clunkly, but readable overall.
Just, not my personal taste.
Also, don't divide paragraphs like that, they're too far apart.

Thanks for the advice. Personally, I prefer the larger spacing but I’ll experiment a bit with it. (Also it only exists because I write on a google doc that’s single spaced)
As for lacking depth, yeah makes sense. I had basically no planning at the time of writing those chapters and I write pretty much on the fly. Once again, thanks for the advice.

 

[Graceful_Ghost]

I would love some feedback~

Yggdrasil’s Knowledge Seekers

Alice Blodeuwodd Duke Fenix is the phoenix of the generation. Her mother, Angela Del Dharia Fenix, had left her so abruptly in the world without being able to teach her heir. Being the Grand duchess of the Oslaris Galaxy, Alice tries her best to be the phoenix that everyone expects....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[FrankieCheng]

Can I also get some feedback?
Thank you for this wonderful public service :D

Ginseng and Yew

 

[EldritchPotato]

Oooo this seems fun, I offer you two options. One much hornier than the other.

Life of a Succubus

One moment I’m crossing the street, the next I’m waking up in a forest, one that isn't like any forest I've ever seen before. As if that wasn't a disorienting shock enough I don’t seem to be human anymore. It’s not all bad, being a succubus...

www.scribblehub.com

Life of a Lich

My life was overtaken by one purpose that killed me, but I made peace with that. The problem was when I suddenly found myself in an alien fantasy world. To make matters worse I’m a walking corpse wielding unholy magic and enemy number one for the holy crusaders who...

www.scribblehub.com

let me know what you think!

 

[APieceOfRock]

Review Thread’s Story: Millis Estelgarde Edition

An ordinary game developer fell into her own game world. Thus begins her journey to get laid.

www.scribblehub.com

Annihilate!!!!!!

 

[Nekouni]

Here since you want it and my English aren't my first language so go on.

Elysian Online

'Yuna, 21 years old, is a young woman without a clear direction or stable job to support her life. Initially, she aspired to become a player in the virtual world game called 'Elysian Online' after completing her education. However, her dreams were shattered when she failed to secure a game...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Kalliel]

Hello there! Can you please share your wisdom with my novel?

Transforming the World

Zenon was expelled from the magic school that he had been studying for two years. He was deemed as 'Talentless' by his peers and professor alike. However, Zenon's life changed when he came across a fortunate accident that changed his life for better or worse. He obtained an Ancient Magic...

www.scribblehub.com

Sorry, I couldn't get pass chapter one. It was painful to read.
Let me go through some of the things I didn't like.
Firstly.
While Zenon cleaned the attic, a ball of light floated beside him—Globus Lucis. This spell was as fundamental as they came, accessible to anyone with even a basic understanding of magic.
What the hell is this opening part?
You could have either not explain what the hell that ball of light was, because frankly no one is interested in that, yet. Or, you could have phrased it better.
Next, over describing and explaining. This one made me mad the most.
You wrote so much and so little happened. It's jarring to read.
And then you explain so much about the magic stuff, when you could have just leave it for later, when it's actually matter.
Lastly, about the main character.
“Why can’t I order it to open the next page?” Zenon contemplated inside his own mind. “Do I need to do something? Or am I not worthy enough to see the next page? Well, I guess that’s possible if it's with this mysterious grimoire. Then if that’s the case, what do I need to do if I wanted to become worthy? Maybe the answer is on the first page.”
What was that??
Bro was really narrating a children show right there. Awkward.
That's all I have to say.

TLDR? It's unnecessarily long. Tedious to read.

 

[Numero]

Sorry, I couldn't get pass chapter one. It was painful to read.
Let me go through some of the things I didn't like.
Firstly.
While Zenon cleaned the attic, a ball of light floated beside him—Globus Lucis. This spell was as fundamental as they came, accessible to anyone with even a basic understanding of magic.
What the hell is this opening part?
You could have either not explain what the hell that ball of light was, because frankly no one is interested in that, yet. Or, you could have phrased it better.
Next, over describing and explaining. This one made me mad the most.
You wrote so much and so little happened. It's jarring to read.
And then you explain so much about the magic stuff, when you could have just leave it for later, when it's actually matter.
Lastly, about the main character.
“Why can’t I order it to open the next page?” Zenon contemplated inside his own mind. “Do I need to do something? Or am I not worthy enough to see the next page? Well, I guess that’s possible if it's with this mysterious grimoire. Then if that’s the case, what do I need to do if I wanted to become worthy? Maybe the answer is on the first page.”
What was that??
Bro was really narrating a children show right there. Awkward.
That's all I have to say.

TLDR? It's unnecessary long. Tedious to read.

Thank you very much! Although it is sad that you didn't give me any advice, I'm still thankful. Sorry for wasting your time and I hope you well

 

[Kalliel]

I would love some feedback~

Yggdrasil’s Knowledge Seekers

Alice Blodeuwodd Duke Fenix is the phoenix of the generation. Her mother, Angela Del Dharia Fenix, had left her so abruptly in the world without being able to teach her heir. Being the Grand duchess of the Oslaris Galaxy, Alice tries her best to be the phoenix that everyone expects....

www.scribblehub.com

I read the first two chapters.
Now, your writing is neat. But I did notice some occasional missing stuff here and there. Very minor complain though.
Aside from that, I don't really have anything to say about the story.
The thing is, this genre does not interest me personally, so I can't comment much.
Leave it to people who actually read those.

Thank you very much! Although it is sad that you didn't give me any advice, I'm still thankful. Sorry for wasting your time and I hope you well

I forgot.
My advice is to cut down the descriptions exclusive to the story. Consider yourself a reader, you generally don't want to read that much mechanic explaining in the first chapter.
And actually make the main character think like a real person could be helpful. How? By putting yourself in their shoes. What would you do if you were in that situation?
The over describing stuff is really just a preference. Some like it, some don't. I belong to the latter.

Can I also get some feedback?
Thank you for this wonderful public service :D

Ginseng and Yew

I read a first chapter.
No complain about the writing, it's good. To me, at least.
The premise is fine as well.
But because it's 'fine', not 'interesting', a lot of people may lose interest in it pretty quick. Or not interested in it at all.
I have no feedback, really. Like, I can't just tell you to change the whole story for the readers here, right...?
Regardless, write what you want to write.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

Since I have only one Review, I don't mind if it's bad. Rip into it if you want to.
Would be cool if you were to take it on, also fine if you don't.
See ya maybe

The Crazy Daughter of the Duke’s Family

Celia had fought creatures called 'Visitors' for as long as she could remember. Together with Pan, a Visitor of Special Grade himself, her single goal was to survive. Yet after dying an unexpected death one day, she woke up and found herself as that one inconsequential, short lived villainess...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Kalliel]

Oooo this seems fun, I offer you two options. One much hornier than the other.

Life of a Succubus

One moment I’m crossing the street, the next I’m waking up in a forest, one that isn't like any forest I've ever seen before. As if that wasn't a disorienting shock enough I don’t seem to be human anymore. It’s not all bad, being a succubus...

www.scribblehub.com

Life of a Lich

My life was overtaken by one purpose that killed me, but I made peace with that. The problem was when I suddenly found myself in an alien fantasy world. To make matters worse I’m a walking corpse wielding unholy magic and enemy number one for the holy crusaders who...

www.scribblehub.com

let me know what you think!

I read the first two chapters of the second one.
It was good.
The writing is decent enough, the premise is interesting.
Yeah, no. I have no complain, really.
Other than maybe decrease the paragraph spacing a bit... That's just my preference, not really a complain.

Review Thread’s Story: Millis Estelgarde Edition

An ordinary game developer fell into her own game world. Thus begins her journey to get laid.

www.scribblehub.com

Annihilate!!!!!!

I read the first three chapters.
It was good.
No complain about the writing.
I could see the titbits of Korean novels in your work. And I think that's pretty cool.
The main character was pretty enjoyable as well.
Nothing else to say. Keep up the good work...!

 

[Kalliel]

Here since you want it and my English aren't my first language so go on.

Elysian Online

'Yuna, 21 years old, is a young woman without a clear direction or stable job to support her life. Initially, she aspired to become a player in the virtual world game called 'Elysian Online' after completing her education. However, her dreams were shattered when she failed to secure a game...

www.scribblehub.com

I read the first three chapters.
It was surprisingly fine.
Now, there are still a few grammar mistakes here and there, this is an example:
"We apologize, ma'am. Due to last year's massive purchases, we couldn't renew our contract with the supplier, resulting in a shortage," a staff member mumbled, avoiding eye contact.
A shortage of what?
There are more, but I won't dwell into it, because it's not really a big flaw or anything.
Additionally, about the two characters introduced so far, their relationship seems weird?
I mean, Elisa is willing to give Yuna a whole free capsule, including maintenance stuff, treat her to the whole menu, and even assist her in playing the game, and yet you're telling me they have not spoken at all in a year? If they're that close, then why?
And obviously, the 'To be continued' stuff.
They're not necessary at all, just edit them out.

Overall, decent.

 

[Nekouni]

I read the first three chapters.
It was surprisingly fine.
Now, there are still a few grammar mistakes here and there, this is an example:
"We apologize, ma'am. Due to last year's massive purchases, we couldn't renew our contract with the supplier, resulting in a shortage," a staff member mumbled, avoiding eye contact.
A shortage of what?
There are more, but I won't dwell into it, because it's not really a big flaw or anything.
Additionally, about the two characters introduced so far, their relationship seems weird?
I mean, Elisa is willing to give Yuna a whole free capsule, including maintenance stuff, treat her to the whole menu, and even assist her in playing the game, and yet you're telling me they have not spoken at all in a year? If they're that close, then why?
And obviously, the 'To be continued' stuff.
They're not necessary at all, just edit them out.

Overall, decent.

I been told the same about "To be countinued'" and them told me I already make a cliffhanger for each chapters so why did I do that them said.

About their relationship I already have a plan for that part with simple explanation later on in future but now I wanted to focus on Yuna in the game.

It take some time to make each chapter since I need to read, rewrite and edit it many time slowly due to my English as third languages so I'm happy that you think it's working fine, unfortunately you could already notice how bad my English in this comment alone since I just type whatever I could to make a understandable stances.

 

[D.S.Nate]

If you can review the prologue of my book that would be much appreciated: Prologue

 

[breakofdawnstories]

So, I'm bored.
And I think I need to actually read something sometimes to take a break from my writing.
That means, If you're brave enough to post stories here, I will try to read the first chapters of your work (Usually 5 maximum), and give you very janky reviews.
Keep in mind, I am both a bad writer and a bad reader, so be prepared.

Hello! Please roast me until I quit writing. Thank you sooo much!

Hushed Paradise

Out of the blue, Yumi decided to break the tranquility and asked, 'Gani...do you think both of us will change?' 'What do you mean?' 'Do you think we will stay this close forever?' Gani glanced at the heavy-in-thought girl, 'Yumi, change is constant. We all change......

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Kalliel]

Since I have only one Review, I don't mind if it's bad. Rip into it if you want to.
Would be cool if you were to take it on, also fine if you don't.
See ya maybe

The Crazy Daughter of the Duke’s Family

Celia had fought creatures called 'Visitors' for as long as she could remember. Together with Pan, a Visitor of Special Grade himself, her single goal was to survive. Yet after dying an unexpected death one day, she woke up and found herself as that one inconsequential, short lived villainess...

www.scribblehub.com

I read the first 10 chapters of your work.
This is probably my favorite in this thread so far.
The premise and characters are all pretty good, the pacing is also very nice.

About your writing. Now, I don't have any major problem with it, except for one thing.
The whole part about the organization back on the protagonist's world and things related to that is confusing. Maybe because there were too much terms, but I honestly didn't care very much about those. I'm fine with it, but I don't know about the others.

Now that is out of the way, let's talk about another problem - The synopsis.
Despite her power and prestige, Rowena Dynari van Varnhagen might have had a few minor... personality quirks.
She used those quirks against the female lead of "The Saintess' Unbreakable Shield", which ended her story shortly after the novel began and she was killed by sudden pneumonia to get her off the script - unfortunately that doesn't mean the end of Celia's story. After an unexpected heart attack, she woke up in Rowena's body with an impending marriage to a distant tyrant looming over her new head and all sorts of other minor inconveniences.
This part was certainly confusing for me, mainly because you suddenly threw the name Celia in, which was odd.
And then there's the next part.
Celia, who had been a puppet playing to the tune of the government, fighting creatures called "Visitors" who had been invading earth for centuries, together with Pan, her partner in crime and a Visitor of Special Grade himself.
Looking at those two parts together, I think you should've introduced who is Celia first before going into the transmigration part.
Of course she didn't believe her soul could travel into the world of a book, but good thing she didn't find herself to be alone there.
This part is just unnecessary.

Overall though, I really liked it. Keep up the good work.