Yet Another Feedback Thread

[melchi]

Hi, here is mine. Thank you.

13.8 Billion Year Librarian's Tale

docs.google.com

First thing I notice: Sentence fragments. While they can be used, using too much is grating.

Dammit.

Please, pretty please?
For heaven’s sake.
Silence, silence, and more silence.

It is like every single paragraph has sentence fragments >:(

A diary with way too many feelings spends its days sulking on a dusty bookstore shelf, dreaming of one thing: becoming a human

This is not a great first sentence of of synopsis. "Way too many feelings" is really vague. Also, the sentence is backward, putting becoming human at the end makes it sound like feelings is the important part and acquiring humanity is de-emphasized.

Lots and lots of introspective bloat for a first chapter. 21 paragraphs until the first dialogue. In my opinion this is way too verbose for a first chapter. The first chapter is hook or a premise. If there isn't a clear premise established right away then that is a big red flag to readers. My advise would be to decide what the hook should be, cut down on the verbose sentences and focus on answering the question "Why should I read this story?"

 

[SSPy]

First thing I notice: Sentence fragments. While they can be used, using too much is grating.


It is like every single paragraph has sentence fragments >:(


This is not a great first sentence of of synopsis. "Way too many feelings" is really vague. Also, the sentence is backward, putting becoming human at the end makes it sound like feelings is the important part and acquiring humanity is de-emphasized.

Lots and lots of introspective bloat for a first chapter. 21 paragraphs until the first dialogue. In my opinion this is way too verbose for a first chapter. The first chapter is hook or a premise. If there isn't a clear premise established right away then that is a big red flag to readers. My advise would be to decide what the hook should be, cut down on the verbose sentences and focus on answering the question "Why should I read this story?"

Thank you