"Would You Return Weekly for This Fantasy? Feedback on Chapter 1 of The Twelve"

[The_Twelve_LightNovel]

Hey everyone! I’m currently developing a new anime-inspired fantasy novel called The Twelve, and I’d love some honest feedback on Chapter 1.

Very brief synopsis:
Hidden at the edge of the world lies a secret society where descendants of twelve elemental bloodlines protect humanity from threats even world governments can’t face. But when 15-year-old Zai—a quiet boy from the dying Nature Branch—enters the elite Twelve Academy, he discovers the real danger may not be what's beyond the ice... but what’s already within.

? Would love your thoughts on:

• Does Chapter 1 hook you in?
• Are the characters intriguing enough to follow weekly?
• Would you come back for more chapters?

Read Chapter 1 here:
? https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1744169-the-twelve/chapter/1744176/


Thanks in advance to anyone who checks it out. Every bit of feedback helps me shape this into a better experience for readers. ?

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

First of all, I have to say I am just a novice author myself, so don't take my words too seriously.

1 - It's probably my personal thing, but I can't take seriously any story with main characters being teenagers (below 17 at least). Unless there is going to be a timeskip. But as I said, it's just me.

2 - The first chapter brings so much characters that at one point I just read their speeches as from one character. It's a bit confusing, expecially with non-existant names.

3 - The worldbuilding/exposition. Or rather lack of it. From what I have understood, the world is divided on 12 elemental zones. But how does that look exactly? Are there 12 cities, one for each element? Also, what century is this? Is this more middle-ages or modern setting? No idea.

4 - I guess it will be explained at some point in the future, but why people with Nature element can learn all other ones? I would get if everyone could learn any elements and there would be 'affinities' that make it easier to master one specific. Right now Nature seems the strongest one, since it allows to use all other ones in the future.

5 - Their food is element-based? If Mc eats a tree bark, does that mean fire element girl eats fire? That creats so much questions in my head. What do time elemental people eat? Time? Clocks? Also reminds me of Dragon Killers from Fairy Tale.

Overall, not bad first chapter.

Now, your questions:
- Yes.
- Characters? No. But the story seems interesting. I mean I know your characters for too small amount of time. They seem pretty basic to me, but thats just the first chapter, so it's hard to judge.
- I would have read more if there was.

I am not sure if there is any useful information for you, but I hope it will help you anyways. That's all I can say for now. Wish you luck.

Sorry if there are any typos or language mistakes.

 

[The_Twelve_LightNovel]

This is amaaazing feedback, I really needed this. I was really seeking to see if chapter one is too much of a mystery and maybe more explanation is needed to set the foundation for the world building. You're absolutely right about the formatting with characters, as I was writing, I was beginning to get concerned the conversations would become confusing because of all the characters and lack of name mention.

And you absolutely made me realize the time period is not explained within this chapter and should probably be one of the first things I include to set the stage for the world the reader is entering into.

And to answer your question, each branch is equivalent to a state. And I was considering waiting to explain it, but you made a great point, it's part of the world building and needs to be laid out first.

I do plan on a time skip and this first book will pretty much be a set for what will happen in the time skip, but from your opinion as a reader who is not fond of teenage stories, would seeing the time skip within the same book make it more appealing? Because I want to factor in audiences similar to yours and keep them around.

For point 4 - I plan on revealing this as one of the major reveals, however, in your opinion, how long should I wait? Or is it better to include this information as part of the world building.

Again, thank you so much for your feedback, this really helps me see where the story's intro stands. It's the first legitimate feedback I have ever received for this story, so I really really appreciate you.

I'm releasing chapter 2 tonight and hoping the action provided in this chapter effectively builds on chapter 1. I'm also going to make some adjustments in chapter 1 based on your feedback too. So again, thank you!!

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

This is amaaazing feedback, I really needed this. I was really seeking to see if chapter one is too much of a mystery and maybe more explanation is needed to set the foundation for the world building. You're absolutely right about the formatting with characters, as I was writing, I was beginning to get concerned the conversations would become confusing because of all the characters and lack of name mention.

And you absolutely made me realize the time period is not explained within this chapter and should probably be one of the first things I include to set the stage for the world the reader is entering into.

And to answer your question, each branch is equivalent to a state. And I was considering waiting to explain it, but you made a great point, it's part of the world building and needs to be laid out first.

I do plan on a time skip and this first book will pretty much be a set for what will happen in the time skip, but from your opinion as a reader who is not fond of teenage stories, would seeing the time skip within the same book make it more appealing? Because I want to factor in audiences similar to yours and keep them around.

For point 4 - I plan on revealing this as one of the major reveals, however, in your opinion, how long should I wait? Or is it better to include this information as part of the world building.

Again, thank you so much for your feedback, this really helps me see where the story's intro stands. It's the first legitimate feedback I have ever received for this story, so I really really appreciate you.

I'm releasing chapter 2 tonight and hoping the action provided in this chapter effectively builds on chapter 1. I'm also going to make some adjustments in chapter 1 based on your feedback too. So again, thank you!!

Good to hear that my review is useful.

With the time skip, it depends on how soon it will be. Personally, I don't mind if there are few chapters to show caracter's childhood or something like that. Also, it's not like I will stop reading the story if characters are teenagers, so it's not a critical issue. But again, that's just personal opion. In the end, it just comes down to how well will you execute the time skip part.

About explaination of the Nature element. I think you should wait with it as much as you need for the story. I mean, I feel like most important thing here is to make it natural in the plot. If you need Mc to learn magic for some time before revealing the information, it's okay. I just pointed out that it's strange to have one element that can learn all other ones.

If you want, I can read chpater 2 and try to say something about it as well.

 

[The_Twelve_LightNovel]

Perfect, thank you again for such amazing feedback!

Sure! If you have time to read chapter 2 and provide feedback, I would really appreciate it!

Chapter 2: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1744169-the-twelve/chapter/1756686/