Would you read this once I post it?

[MakBow]

So, at the moment, as I write my active novel, the one I'm posting currently, on the side, I write novel I haven't posted, mainly there to keep my brain fresh with its own plot.

(It also helps me with the new writing style I'm trying so that's another thing.)
---
Synopsis
Li Huang, a young man from Earth who was as average as one could be, had found himself near death when an old man had pushed him in front of a train, but fate, or rather, one who controlled it, peeked too deep.
Li Huang would be mocked for how unimpressive he was in life by the Immortal who stopped time, so in sheer pettiness and in the spur of the moment, Li Huang challenged the immortal that he would kill the immortal, and being prideful, he accepted. Now in this world of cultivation, he must now cultivate with no cheats, no system, in the body of an alternate version of himself with average talent to reach the heaves, all to win the bet or else he will suffer for eternity.

It's a slow burner with a lot of exposition about the realms, how to cultivate, and different styles as well as a lot of set up which allows for both new readers to understand everything without prior knowledge and xianxia readers already familiar.

No (crazy) fanservice (There will still be fanservice)
A lot of sects and clans
Cowardly protagonist
A lot of beautiful female characters because I love women too much
No harem
Brutality
Debates on morality
No crazy jumps in power
---
Does this idea intrigue you?

 

[Eldoria]

Does this idea intrigue you?

Well, let's be honest... if your fiction is aimed at casual readers, especially audiences from the East, yes... it's very possible your fiction will find a place... and perhaps become popular. The reason? Mainstream tropes + fanservice is a common recipe.

However, if you ask me, I'd say no. Sorry, I've had felt tired of cultivation fiction. I'm not your market. So, good luck.

 

[Wamba2K]

Probably not. I feel like already know the whole story from what you said here. And it feels very barebones. I would try to integrate something that makes Li Huang interesting. Why is he a coward? What spurs him to challenge the god? Something like that could push this concept a little further.

Also, I don't like heavy expository stories, so that's another thing. But I'm also not invested in cultivation stories to begin with, so maybe fans of that genre would find it more interesting.

 

[Tatsuo]

Honestly, no
If there’s no harem and no fanservice, why bring up how beautiful they are? Sounds like blue-balling the reader.

 

[MakBow]

Honestly, no
If there’s no harem and no fanservice, why bring up how beautiful they are? Sounds like blue-balling the reader.

I didn't say there won't be fanservice (I'm still a horny guy), just not to a crazy extent like high school dxd

Probably not. I feel like already know the whole story from what you said here. And it feels very barebones. I would try to integrate something that makes Li Huang interesting. Why is he a coward? What spurs him to challenge the god? Something like that could push this concept a little further.

Also, I don't like heavy expository stories, so that's another thing. But I'm also not invested in cultivation stories to begin with, so maybe fans of that genre would find it more interesting.

1. No, you don't really know the story since it's not about him killing the immortal, that's just the broad end goal. It's more about the journey than the end goal. Yes, it sounds barebones on paper, after all execution matter most.
(I like giving my MC's broad goals as it allows for more divergences)
2. Why is he a coward?: Because if he dies, he suffers for eternity and he would rather be cautious
3. What spurs him to challenge the god?: He's a freaking moron who let his emotions get the better of him and only regrets it after he realizes how stupid he was to challenge the god

 

[Wamba2K]

1. No, you don't really know the story since it's not about him killing the immortal, that's just the broad end goal. It's more about the journey than the end goal. Yes, it sounds barebones on paper, after all execution matter most.
(I like giving my MC's broad goals as it allows for more divergences)
2. Why is he a coward?: Because if he dies, he suffers for eternity and he would rather be cautious
3. What spurs him to challenge the god?: He's a freaking moron who let his emotions get the better of him and only regrets it after he realizes how stupid he was to challenge the god

Oh. I see. Well...
1. I feel like that's an important distinction to make. You only detailed that basic premise, and that's what I'm judging it off of. I think you should clarify that you intend for there to be more to it than that, even if you don't have the broader ideas nailed down. If the story isn't about killing the immortal, what is it about? Training? Beautiful women? Morality? Meeting different sects/clans. There's a lot of ideas, but I'm not seeing a through line.
2/3. To put it blatantly, that's boring (at least I think so). What emotions got the better of him, and where did those emotions come from? Is he mad because of how he died? Disappointed with his life? Does he have gripes with religion? If he's scared of eternal suffering, there should be a proper reason for him to do something so foolish. Otherwise, it risks reading as plot for the sake of plot.

 

[MakBow]

Oh. I see. Well...
1. I feel like that's an important distinction to make. You only detailed that basic premise, and that's what I'm judging it off of. I think you should clarify that you intend for there to be more to it than that, even if you don't have the broader ideas nailed down. If the story isn't about killing the immortal, what is it about? Training? Beautiful women? Morality? Meeting different sects/clans. There's a lot of ideas, but I'm not seeing a through line.
2/3. To put it blatantly, that's boring (at least I think so). What emotions got the better of him, and where did those emotions come from? Is he mad because of how he died? Disappointed with his life? Does he have gripes with religion? If he's scared of eternal suffering, there should be a proper reason for him to do something so foolish. Otherwise, it risks reading as plot for the sake of plot.

1. The main idea is simple, how he changes. Since this is an alternate version of himself, he's going to be seeing things he's done in his life in a different form, and he will have to confront those facts. He will also be forced to make demonic decisions along the way as power isn't clean, hurting those who may be innocent or even killing them to get stronger, all because of the bet, a consequence of acting irrationally. His cowardice also plays a huge part in the development as it won't always be played off for jokes, as his cowardice will have real consequences to those around him
2/3. That's also simple, it stems from trying to accomplish more but always falling short of himself. He says he will do something but fails to do it in the end. His lash out comes from not wanting to be told that he was setting himself up for failure, that he was ordinary, that he was nothing special to anyone. Something that may not be a big deal to others, but to him, it means a lot. Who wouldn't be afraid of suffering for eternity?

In short, it's about self-improvement, the killing the immortal is merely the driving narrative, an immortal that will be his biggest foil in thought process, life and the one who causes him the most suffering

 

[Paul__Michaels]

Sure

 

[Wamba2K]

1. The main idea is simple, how he changes. Since this is an alternate version of himself, he's going to be seeing things he's done in his life in a different form, and he will have to confront those facts. He will also be forced to make demonic decisions along the way as power isn't clean, hurting those who may be innocent or even killing them to get stronger, all because of the bet, a consequence of acting irrationally. His cowardice also plays a huge part in the development as it won't always be played off for jokes, as his cowardice will have real consequences to those around him
2/3. That's also simple, it stems from trying to accomplish more but always falling short of himself. He says he will do something but fails to do it in the end. His lash out comes from not wanting to be told that he was setting himself up for failure, that he was ordinary, that he was nothing special to anyone. Something that may not be a big deal to others, but to him, it means a lot. Who wouldn't be afraid of suffering for eternity?

In short, it's about self-improvement, the killing the immortal is merely the driving narrative, an immortal that will be his biggest foil in thought process, life and the one who causes him the most suffering

That sounds interesting. If you can find a way to infer more to that character interiority in the synopsis, readers like me would be more willing to give it a chance. Especially you manage to actually write it that way.

 

[Dec]

Nope. Had pass on any sort of cultivation and Chinese-sounding names. Can't stand it.

 

[MakBow]

That sounds interesting. If you can find a way to infer more to that character interiority in the synopsis, readers like me would be more willing to give it a chance. Especially you manage to actually write it that way.

Yeah, I've been reading Jobless Reincarnation to help me with this idea I'm going for since I know it has VERY flawed character. A little too flawed maybe, but hey...

 

[Wamba2K]

Yeah, I've been reading Jobless Reincarnation to help me with this idea I'm going for since I know it has VERY flawed character. A little too flawed maybe, but hey...

I've never heard of that, but flawed characters usually make for more entertaining stories.

 

[MakBow]

I've never heard of that, but flawed characters usually make for more entertaining stories.

it also goes by mushoku tensei, especially when he's a grown man mentally, simping over people not his mental age, but I can get past that, of course being a pervert too, a little too much

 

[Wamba2K]

it also goes by mushoku tensei

Doesn't ring a bell. I've googled and nope. Never seen it. Sounds like something i'd watch. I'm a shameless perv.

 

[MakBow]

Doesn't ring a bell. I've googled and nope. Never seen it. Sounds like something i'd watch. I'm a shameless perv.

It's literally a popular webnovel and anime, with a season coming this year.
How could you not find it? What kind of outdated google are you using?

 

[Wamba2K]

It's literally a popular webnovel and anime, with a season coming this year.
How could you not find it? What kind of outdated google are you using?

No, I found it. I'm saying I've never watched the show lol.

 

[MakBow]

No, I found it. I'm saying I've never watched the show lol.

Ohhhhhhh! Well, if you ever intend to, warning, you may be VERY weirded out, and if you can't push past it to get to the real meat and bones, that's cool. Everyone has a tolerance level.

 

[MFontana]

So, at the moment, as I write my active novel, the one I'm posting currently, on the side, I write novel I haven't posted, mainly there to keep my brain fresh with its own plot.

(It also helps me with the new writing style I'm trying so that's another thing.)
---
Synopsis
Li Huang, a young man from Earth who was as average as one could be, had found himself near death when an old man had pushed him in front of a train, but fate, or rather, one who controlled it, peeked too deep.
Li Huang would be mocked for how unimpressive he was in life by the Immortal who stopped time, so in sheer pettiness and in the spur of the moment, Li Huang challenged the immortal that he would kill the immortal, and being prideful, he accepted. Now in this world of cultivation, he must now cultivate with no cheats, no system, in the body of an alternate version of himself with average talent to reach the heaves, all to win the bet or else he will suffer for eternity.

It's a slow burner with a lot of exposition about the realms, how to cultivate, and different styles as well as a lot of set up which allows for both new readers to understand everything without prior knowledge and xianxia readers already familiar.

No (crazy) fanservice (There will still be fanservice)
A lot of sects and clans
Cowardly protagonist
A lot of beautiful female characters because I love women too much
No harem
Brutality
Debates on morality
No crazy jumps in power
---
Does this idea intrigue you?

Overall, no. But this is mostly a matter of personal genre preferences than a matter of the story premise, or whether it intrigues me or could work narratively speaking.

Cultivation series aren't something that truly interests me as a reader; but there is certainly an audience for them.

What Works (for me):

• Slow-Burn
• Depth and World-Building (Implied)
• A lot of sects and clans (Implies a larger world, and interwoven political dynamics between these sects and clans)
• Beautiful women
• No crazy jumps in power

What doesn't work (for me)

• The genre (as mentioned, it's not my thing)
• Cowardly Protagonist - While this could work for some, it doesn't work for me.
• Brutality - This implies it is excessive or gratuitous, and that's not really my thing.

What I'm indifferent on:

• Harem/No Harem - I don't particularly care either way.
• Debates on morality - Could go either way. Is it allusion, allegorical, or preachy? Is it the character's or are you (the author) lacing the morality as a mirror of your own?

The premise/synopsis you presented is a little unclear in a few places and that makes it difficult to follow, or get invested in.

That said, you've got a solid conceptual foundation here, and it is certainly intriguing, or would be to your target audience. Especially if executed well.

By all means go for it; and share the story as you want to write it. Tag it well, and your target audience will find it.

 

[PancakesWitch]

Bro everyone here are authors, you're not speaking to the wide scribblehub readerbase, our opinions are biased as authors ourselves, we are creators of content but we dont consume it as much as an average reader.

 

[MakBow]

Bro everyone here are authors, you're not speaking to the wide scribblehub readerbase, our opinions are biased as authors ourselves, we are creators of content but we dont consume it as much as an average reader.

I'm pretty sure msot authors. You can't understand how to write unless you read other novels and media or watch it. Creators of content do in fact create as much as they consume, some maybe more than others, but they do regardless