Would you read it?

[A-Random-Writer]

So I've been writing a bit and I just wondering if you saw this opening chapter would you continue to read the rest of the story?
Humanity set upon the stars in peace,but we were met with violence. It's time we return the favor"

- Admiral Karen Smith 2nd task force

---

It was 2110. My mother and I were out in the park. A beautiful day it was. The birds were chirping. Dogs ran about. People began to laugh and enjoy life. Even after the attack on Earth.

I sat on the grass, the wind in my hair. I still remember the smell of the soup she made. It would be the last thing she ever made me. She had said she went out to throw away a napkin, but something was off. She walked over to the bin and placed the napkin inside gracefully. She started to walk back with a smile on her face, then an explosion rang out.

Dirt and soil was sent everywhere. I was blinded by the dust. At that point, all I can remember is being carried away by her. But she never made it out. At the escape pods for the colony, they waited. They fired into the crowd of civilians. My mother was the first to fall. The blood covered the floors in a sea of pain and misery. Screaming flooded the hallways. I can still remember the smell of the corpses being burned by the lasers. I thought I was going to die right there... but something stood in the way of me and death.

His blood red cape fluttered at lasers flew past. Yet he stood defiant. He said something that resonated with me in that moment. "You come and attack our civilians and expect mercy? How unfortunate." After that, it was kind of blank. I don't remember what exactly happened as I apparently took a head injury. All I know is that the outpost me and my mother lived at was attacked, and I was left to my uncle. How unfortunate.

"Captain, the EUS Titan II is hailing us on coms."

Ah the EUS Titan II. Its original, the Titan I was destroyed in a hospital convoy. Over 15,000 men dead that day. Tch hope this one will last.

"Alright, put them on the holo deck."

I stood up and brushed off my uniform. It's pure white appearance was hard to maintain but I somehow kept up.

The room was dimly lit, but spacious at least.

"Ah Captain Reid, congratulations on your assignment. I hope the Phoenix treats you well."

"Thank you. How's the weapon calibration going?"

If I'm correct that the final thing that needs to be done before the 2nd fleet is deployed.

"We are around 85 percent calibrated. We are waiting for our cannons to finish up then we will be deploying to the Alpha Centauri system." His tone changed after mentioning the deployment.

Damn. They're going right into the fight. "The collective" has been funneling their troops into that place. Reports that I have read said we lost 324,000 men on one moon.

"Anyways Captain Reid, Elitogan star fleet ships are being out fitted with new missiles. They wanted me to relay that to you so you can prepare to return to the Mars base."

"Oh, we get to go home for a minute. My people need a break anyways. We've been here for 7 months and haven't had any R&R."

Running patrols across a solar system isn't very fun. But I can't complain compared to other assignments.

"Alright Phoenix, I'm signing off. I've got a mountain of paperwork to fill out." He tapped his wrist device cutting off the feed.

We get to go home. I just hope we get a better assignment after that.

" WARNING WARNING, MULTIPLE COLLECTIVE SHIPS JUMPING INTO YOUR SECTOR." The alarm blared throughout the room.

Now they decide to show up. We weren't ready for this. I need to get to the bridge.

Running out of the room, the hallways were filled with people scrambling to their battle stations. Yelling throughout all the communications channels.

"Captain! Three Collective Fang-class destroyers are approaching!" My second in command, lieutenant Alexa Turner yelled out as she directed radar systems.

"Copy, put the ship on red alert and bring the 680's to a firing position." I said as I walked up to the helmet.

I picked up a microphone and set it a known collective frequency.

"This is the EUS Phoenix with the 1st strike fleet of the Elitogan Universal Space Force. You are entering Galactic Republic of Elitoga territory. You have been warned."

"vrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmm" the ships guns turned to the approaching ships.

"Captain the gun crew are awaiting for a chosen shell type!"

"Copy! Load the armor-piercing shells. Prepare to take those ships down!" I yelled out as the ships lights turn red.

"INCOMING INCOMING. HOSTILE SHIPS ARE FIRING ON THE SHIP. 30 SECONDS UNTIL IMPACT." The alarms blared.

"Captain, I'm recommending evasive maneuvers!" Lt. Turner yelled out. (Lt stand for lieutenant FYI)

Shit. We need to fire back but I can't risk the ship being hit.

"Captain 15 seconds!"

Shit shit shit.

"Thrusters starboard! Put the shields up!" I yelled.

I began to lean side ways as the ship lurched to the right. Now the collective laser were coming into sight.

"Shields are up! Brace for impact!" Turner yelled as she grabbed onto her command console.

BOOM!

The ship rumbled as it was hit.

"Status report now!" I yelled running to my command center.

"Sir, decks 56 and 55 are experiencing power loss and are no longer combat ready."

"Copy, send the engineer teams to get them online! Are the cannons lined up?" I typed onto my console zooming onto the enemy ships.

"Sir, cannons 2 and 4 are ready to fire. Cannons 1 and 3 are experiencing delays due to the sudden manuever." Turner looked down onto the deck where the guns where located.

"Okay, fire 2 and 4."

There's the order. Send the collective back to their own planets.

"Copy, guns 2 and 4 kill authorization received. Fire at will." A junior officer yelled out.

The room went silent.

"Copy, putting shells down range." They radioed back.

FORM!

The ship rumbled.

FORM!

"Guns and 2 and 4 are reloading estimated time for next shot... 2 minutes."

My god that shake was horrible.

"Sir, our shells will hit them in 10 seconds"

Let's pray these things can do what we think they can.

"5...4...3...2...1..."

A ball of light appeared in front of the lead fang class. I can't tell if we got him.

"Lieutenant, did we hit them?"

She stood still watching her screen.

"Sir, we are detecting 0 life signs on the hostile ship. I think we got it"

The crew began to murmur.

"Captain, the hostile ships is displaying signs of internal combustion. That thing is about to blow." A sensor technician walked up to me and handed me a tablet.

Yeah. We got it.

"Guns 1 and 3 are ready. Awaiting command."

Oh shit. There are still two more ships out there.

Why aren't they firing back though?

"Captain, the other ships are powering the FTL drives. They're going home."

The room went silent.

Two flashes of light came from the ships and they were gone.

"We did it." Turner whispered.

We did do it.

"Captain Reid, command is hailing you in the holo deck."

"I'm on the way."

Walking to the room I felt a sense of euphoria. We actually defeated them. We stood our ground.

The room was dark again, but there stood a Admiral in a blue and gold uniform staring at me.

"Congratulations on your victory Captain Reid." I recognize that voice. Rear Admiral Sarah Voss.

"Thank you ma'am. It was my crew who truly won the battle though."

She smiled and nodded.

"It was a united effort. Now onto why your even talking to me, fleet command has issued the orders for you to return to mars now. You will regroup with the rest of the 1st strike fleet. We have an important mission coming up and the EUS Phoenix needs to be at full combat capacity."

"Yes Admiral. I can have my ship there in an hour. If you don't mind me asking who will be taking the Phoenix's patrol assignment?" I asked trying not to smile.

She pulled out a table and scrolled a bit.

"Let's see here. The EUS Zenith will take your place."

"Thank you ma'am."

"Alright good work out there today. Safe travels." She cut off the call.

I sighed and shook my head.

Time to go home.

The end of Act 1 part 1.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

So I've been writing a bit and I just wondering if you saw this opening chapter would you continue to read the rest of the story?

Bold of you to assume I'd want to read the story now, in order to figure out if I want to read the story.
I'm an asshole, therefore I will say it like that: Give me a reason.
Tell me what the story is about; the genre; the stakes. SOMETHING other than a random chapter that I wouldn't care about. A story wouldn't be found by people reading a chapter anyway - show the name, the cover, the genre and the synopsis, for me to discern if I would have had any interest in the work. Then, maybe, I would read the chapter and tell you if it lives up to expectations.

 

[Ellie_in_Pink]

If I'm being honest, I would not keep reading. But that's not a reflection of the story you probably have going in your head. The problem is that you aren't used to showing scenes, giving descriptions, etc. You're early in your writing, and that's okay. Everyone has to start somewhere. And I've got an exercise I want you to try. After which, I think you'll be able to tell the story you actually want to tell.

Find a professionally written book you like. Halo The Fall of Reach if you are struggling to think of anything. (just because it seems closest to what you want to write, from what I can tell.) Then I want you to open a word doc and copy word from word an exact chapter of the book. It will be long and tedious to do this. And it will feel pointless. But the goal is for you to get a feel for how writing scenes should work. How to describe, how to create pacing, how to tag dialogue.

And when you are done, I want you to edit it and make it better. You may not succeed in actually improving it. But what that will do is teach you how to shape a story the way you want it to be shaped, without losing the structure you need in early writing as a guardrail.

 

[Puffikki]

I see the name Karen, I become woefully judgemental. I see the starting paragraph with a lot of words but nothing being said or reason for me to care. I decline.

 

[A-Random-Writer]

yes all very fair points. i probably should have included some other things. back to the writing board. (I guess the author version of the wrting board?)

Bold of you to assume I'd want to read the story now, in order to figure out if I want to read the story.
I'm an asshole, therefore I will say it like that: Give me a reason.
Tell me what the story is about; the genre; the stakes. SOMETHING other than a random chapter that I wouldn't care about. A story wouldn't be found by people reading a chapter anyway - show the name, the cover, the genre and the synopsis, for me to discern if I would have had any interest in the work. Then, maybe, I would read the chapter and tell you if it lives up to expectations.

Okay then,
Name: From the ashes of gods.
Genre: Sci-Fi
Basic premise: Humanity and an ancient race of aliens are at war, but aliens arent the only threat.

actual synposis:
April 23rd, 2101.

A date burned into the heart of humanity. We reached out into the stars with peace in our hearts. We wanted freedom for our species. Yet we were attacked. Earth turned into a battleground for seven years. Billions perished in the defense of our homeland. But we pushed back and held. Humanity will not forget what "The Collective" did to us. Our time is now. Twenty-two years later, humanity decided they were done with being slaughtered. Our united might under the flag of Elitoga, we will persevere.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

yes all very fair points. i probably should have included some other things. back to the writing board. (I guess the author version of the wrting board?)

Okay then,
Name: From the ashes of gods.
Genre: Sci-Fi
Basic premise: Humanity and an ancient race of aliens are at war, but aliens arent the only threat.

actual synposis:
April 23rd, 2101.

A date burned into the heart of humanity. We reached out into the stars with peace in our hearts. We wanted freedom for our species. Yet we were attacked. Earth turned into a battleground for seven years. Billions perished in the defense of our homeland. But we pushed back and held. Humanity will not forget what "The Collective" did to us. Our time is now. Twenty-two years later, humanity decided they were done with being slaughtered. Our united might under the flag of Elitoga, we will persevere.

I'm not big into Sci-Fi - doesn't mean I wouldn't read it at all, it's just harder to get me interested in it.
From your Synopsis, I wouldn't know what exactly changed for that change to suddenly occur, without you giving me a reason as to what has happened to give mankind this sudden advantage. This isn't something in which the thread - like Zombies, for example - remains somewhat stagnant, and as long people can somehow come together and fight, long enough to build up protections, they may hit the enemies in the back. This isn't something I get from your synopsis, because they are being actively attacked for years, "Billions" are already dead and with that, I assume they are either in weaponry or in numbers - or even in both - lesser than their enemies. That's a fact that won't change; they won't have time to gather up their forces and hit them in the back, some random 20-odd-years later.
Example from one of my own books, in which humanity faced a threat so dire, a third of the population was lost: It's not Sci-Fi, but Fantasy, still, you could say it's similar, that there are hostile beings that attacked humanity. They have started coming in a long time ago, becoming more in numbers as time went on. Humanity changed alongside them, gaining the ability to weild the Mana these bengs spread within the world. Then it happened - a huge wave of them hit earth and it was just too much. But at the same time, humanity gained "allies", one might say - some of these beings, the strongest among them, can't attack humanity anymore, instead, they can contract a certain human being and give them the power to fight. That's what changed the tides in that "wave". They had never been so heavily outmatched, that the world would have been run to the ground. Because it's an active pursuer and if they were this overwhelmed, they couldn't have gotten back on their feet.
In other words, your story lacks a hook for me to believe they even have the ablitiy to fight back, because from what you described, Earth should be gone; mankind should be over and done with.
Random ass long paragraph, but in short: I wouldn't read this story, because the premise is boring to me. It might not be like that, but from what I gather here, it feels as if the most important parts are somehow missing - either that or it's just not well-thoughtout to begin with.
That's my opinion, but that might just be a me-thing.