Why is it so hard?

[CheertheSecond]

Why is it so hard for me to feel fine when I heard him loudly insult her through the phone because of something that is not her fault? How can he just jump to the conclusion so quickly?

Why is it so hard for me to manage the aches in my heart and the heaviness in my tummy when I listened to him badmouth her behind her back? Why can't he just agree with the divorce and leave us all be? I don't even want to inherit anything. I don't even want this name. I don't want this connection.

Why was I so vile for assuming that he did those things to pull me to his side so that I can keep treating him well when he got older?

Why is it so hard for me to control myself from committing a familicide then a suicide?

Why is it so hard for me to feel okay when I saw my father cheated on my mother?

Why am I feeling so hopeless, lonely, wretched and weak; especially, weak? I kept telling myself that I am strong. I can handle everything that I made peace with my own death and even if I was to die the next day I would be fine. I conquered the greatest fear that all living things had to face. Shouldn't I be the strongest I will ever be now? Why am I feeling so weak like a pitiful maggot within a cesspit?

Why is it so hard?

You know I know a lot of things. I know that I have to work on my own salvation that there are physical and mental interaction. I know that it is best to balance spiritual, physical and mental needs. I know a lot of things about life as if I am preparing to settle down. I know a lot of thing to achieve peace while waiting for my last day.

I should feel good about myself for who I am which I specifically told myself time and time again that it is the most significant thing and nothing else matters but why is it so hard...

Sometimes, I just want to kneel down and devote myself to the one I love and let them decide my life. It feels less hard that way. That way, I don't have to think about anything. They can decide it for me and if what they decided is something I can't handle I can just end my life with the excuse that it was my only way out.

Goodness me! Why did I turn into such a coward, a weakling and a selfish bastard? Why did I turn myself into what I hate the most? I want to tear this self of my to pieces and rip its throat with my teeth till it turns into a pile of meat.

 

[RepresentingDesire]

I can handle everything that I made peace with my own death and even if I was to die the next day I would be fine. I conquered the greatest fear that all living things had to face. Shouldn't I be the strongest I will ever be now?

Fear is a sign of caring.

Why am I feeling so weak like a pitiful maggot within a cesspit?

Probably depression or a stronger mental disorder.

Sometimes, I just want to kneel down and devote myself to the one I love and let them decide my life. It feels less hard that way. That way, I don't have to think about anything. They can decide it for me and if what they decided is something I can't handle I can just end my life with the excuse that it was my only way out.

You might understand now why religion is a thing.

Goodness me! Why did I turn into such a coward, a weakling and a selfish bastard? Why did I turn myself into what I hate the most? I want to tear this self of my to pieces and rip its throat with my teeth till it turns into a pile of meat.

We mostly don't control who we become, you are not to blame for the things your father did and yet it still harmed you.

You know I know a lot of things. I know that I have to work on my own salvation that there are physical and mental interaction. I know that it is best to balance spiritual, physical and mental needs. I know a lot of things about life as if I am preparing to settle down. I know a lot of thing to achieve peace while waiting for my last day.

Well you should know that with time you will change, the hurt that you feel now will once the cause is deleted lessen if it isn't a traumatizing experience.

Why is life hard or rather why is your life so hard?

Many can provide answers some more delusional than others.
But on a causal basis the answer here seems obvious, your father sucks

 

[Indicterra]

You already answered your question, Because you're weak.

You think you conquered something just because you're not scared to die but in truth. For you, death is the easier way out.

And that doesn't make you strong, after all it's harder to live than to die. Especially when you're weak and unable to change anything in your life that you believe is miserable.

My suggestion, seek professional help for your mind, and try to change yourself.

People say it's okay to be yourself, you need to accept it. But that doesn't apply the same when you loath yourself. It's okay to change, it's okay to be better

Empower yourself physically, mentally and financially, to the point you can change yourself and but also influence change in others life

 

[RepresentingDesire]

You already answered your question, Because you're weak.

I think arrogant is a better word. Even having no ego creates it's own naivete.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Why is it so hard for me to feel fine when I heard him loudly insult her through the phone because of something that is not her fault? How can he just jump to the conclusion so quickly?

Either there is a lot going on in your life and you need some close (real-world/offline) friends or a therapist to help you work through it, or you have the foundation for a very compelling (though perhaps occasionally frustrating) story in this post (and writing a story like that can be a form of therapy).

 

[CheertheSecond]

Either there is a lot going on in your life and you need some close (real-world/offline) friends or a therapist to help you work through it, or you have the foundation for a very compelling (though perhaps occasionally frustrating) story in this post (and writing a story like that can be a form of therapy).

I wish I can.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I wish I can.

Write? You have a solid foundation - just try to answer your own questions; create a narrative from it, flesh out some of the events you're asking about so that the reader witnesses it, rather than just your reaction to it.

Or do you mean find friends (or a therapist) offline? That is a bit harder, unfortunately, and not something someone online can help you with unless you happen to live near them or something.

 

[CheertheSecond]

Write? You have a solid foundation - just try to answer your own questions; create a narrative from it, flesh out some of the events you're asking about so that the reader witnesses it, rather than just your reaction to it.

Or do you mean find friends (or a therapist) offline? That is a bit harder, unfortunately, and not something someone online can help you with unless you happen to live near them or something.

I had my suspicion for a while.

Just a couple of hours ago. He mistakingly sent me a message using words that would never be used to address my mom that lovingly for decades. He just deleted the mistakingly sent whatsapp message and even those above it probably because he realisedI saw it. Now he was away from home for several hours already despite being depth in the night.

I just wish it wasn't real.

 

[Nolff]

Why is it so hard for me to feel fine when I heard him loudly insult her through the phone because of something that is not her fault? How can he just jump to the conclusion so quickly?

Why is it so hard for me to manage the aches in my heart and the heaviness in my tummy when I listened to him badmouth her behind her back? Why can't he just agree with the divorce and leave us all be? I don't even want to inherit anything. I don't even want this name. I don't want this connection.

Why was I so vile for assuming that he did those things to pull me to his side so that I can keep treating him well when he got older?

Why is it so hard for me to control myself from committing a familicide then a suicide?

Why is it so hard for me to feel okay when I saw my father cheated on my mother?

Why am I feeling so hopeless, lonely, wretched and weak; especially, weak? I kept telling myself that I am strong. I can handle everything that I made peace with my own death and even if I was to die the next day I would be fine. I conquered the greatest fear that all living things had to face. Shouldn't I be the strongest I will ever be now? Why am I feeling so weak like a pitiful maggot within a cesspit?

Why is it so hard?

You know I know a lot of things. I know that I have to work on my own salvation that there are physical and mental interaction. I know that it is best to balance spiritual, physical and mental needs. I know a lot of things about life as if I am preparing to settle down. I know a lot of thing to achieve peace while waiting for my last day.

I should feel good about myself for who I am which I specifically told myself time and time again that it is the most significant thing and nothing else matters but why is it so hard...

Sometimes, I just want to kneel down and devote myself to the one I love and let them decide my life. It feels less hard that way. That way, I don't have to think about anything. They can decide it for me and if what they decided is something I can't handle I can just end my life with the excuse that it was my only way out.

Goodness me! Why did I turn into such a coward, a weakling and a selfish bastard? Why did I turn myself into what I hate the most? I want to tear this self of my to pieces and rip its throat with my teeth till it turns into a pile of meat.

Here's a relaxer for you:

 

[RepresentingCaution]

Why do things suck in WEIRD (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic) culture? We're disconnected from the communities we're supposed to have. In the past, you'd have a whole community jumping not only to your rescue but to get him back on the right track as well. He'd never have gone so far off the rails in the first place. If we don't get therapy or develop some healthy coping mechanisms, things go sideways.

If you can't afford therapy, it is often covered by Medicaid. If you've got too much income for Medicaid and not enough to afford therapy, there are a lot of other sources you can turn to. Self-parenting is one method that is gaining popularity for situations like these. If you can't silence the voices in your head, change them. Get some parenting books and make an imaginary parent for yourself.

My personal favorite parenting book is "Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans" by Michaeleen Doucleff.

I also recommend Meredith Small's books. "Our Babies, Ourselves . . . " was assigned reading for my human development course in addition to the textbook, and her book on kids is wonderful as well. It's important to take any WEIRD parenting books with a grain of salt because of how broken WEIRD culture is.