RepresentingCaution
Level 37 ? ? Pronouns: she/whore ♀
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2020
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Let's imagine for a moment that you are in a heterosexual marriage where both of you are cisgendered, and you have children. Who is responsible for taking care of the children and why? How does your family dynamic work?
I don't want my views on the matter to influence your vote, so . . .
I don't want my views on the matter to influence your vote, so . . .
This was inspired by an advice column I read, in which the person asking for advice said that her husband never, ever helped to take care of their twin babies, watching TV after work and telling her that she should be grateful because he provided financially for the family.
The advice columnist responded in a rather high and mighty way, saying that they split the childcare responsibility 50-50 with their partner, and the person asking for advice might want to consider divorce.
Personally, I think the issue is more complicated. The advice columnist seemed to completely ignore the fact that the husband worked outside the home, and the wife did not. If the husband and wife tried to split the childcare responsibility 50-50, then the husband would have no time to relax at all. I think a more reasonable approach would be to ask the husband to take care of the children for one hour per day on the days when he works outside the home and 50-50 on days when he does not work outside the home.
However, it also depends on if the husband even wanted kids in the first place. Did the husband and wife talk about that before getting married, or did the wife just assume that marriage meant kids and stopped using birth control after the wedding? Far too many marriages are built on poor communication. It's OK to not want kids. If one partner wants kids and the other does not, then the one who wants kids may find themselves in a significantly better position than a single parent. Raising children is work, and having a partner who provides financially for the entire family is indeed something to be grateful for. One way or another, they need to go into the marriage with clear expectations about these sorts of things.
I decided to marry my husband when he expressed a strong desire to be a father and a willingness to provide financially for the family. I knew that raising children would be hard work, but it has turned out to be even harder than I expected, so I am very grateful that my husband both provides financially and changes dirty diapers whenever he can. I would never ask him to do 50-50, though. My baby wakes up hungry four or more times during the night. While my husband also woke up during the first few weeks to change diapers and supplement with formula because I wasn't producing enough milk until six weeks, we've transitioned to just me waking up for feedings.
Fun fact: Males can lactate if they try hard enough! It's easier for females who have been primed with the right hormones through pregnancy, so it makes more sense for the female to nurse the baby. Expressing or pumping milk rather than feeding it to the baby directly means more dishes to wash, but it is a great option for mothers who work outside the home. Also, gestational diabetes makes it more difficult to establish Mom's milk supply. If you're struggling, hang in there and feel free to ask me for tips on how to make more milk. I have a great lactation cookie recipe, among other tips!
While it makes biological sense for the female to take care of children, it doesn't always have to be that way. My mother had two months of maternity leave and went right back to her full-time job while my dad took care of me. I think some females have a chip on their shoulders about childcare after seeing their mothers doing all the work and receiving zero respect for it. However, it is an occupation.
Fortunately, working for a small press means that I set my own hours and have unlimited (though unpaid) maternity leave. I recently committed to another project, though the author understands my situation and knows it may take a very long time to complete the editing.
The advice columnist responded in a rather high and mighty way, saying that they split the childcare responsibility 50-50 with their partner, and the person asking for advice might want to consider divorce.
Personally, I think the issue is more complicated. The advice columnist seemed to completely ignore the fact that the husband worked outside the home, and the wife did not. If the husband and wife tried to split the childcare responsibility 50-50, then the husband would have no time to relax at all. I think a more reasonable approach would be to ask the husband to take care of the children for one hour per day on the days when he works outside the home and 50-50 on days when he does not work outside the home.
However, it also depends on if the husband even wanted kids in the first place. Did the husband and wife talk about that before getting married, or did the wife just assume that marriage meant kids and stopped using birth control after the wedding? Far too many marriages are built on poor communication. It's OK to not want kids. If one partner wants kids and the other does not, then the one who wants kids may find themselves in a significantly better position than a single parent. Raising children is work, and having a partner who provides financially for the entire family is indeed something to be grateful for. One way or another, they need to go into the marriage with clear expectations about these sorts of things.
I decided to marry my husband when he expressed a strong desire to be a father and a willingness to provide financially for the family. I knew that raising children would be hard work, but it has turned out to be even harder than I expected, so I am very grateful that my husband both provides financially and changes dirty diapers whenever he can. I would never ask him to do 50-50, though. My baby wakes up hungry four or more times during the night. While my husband also woke up during the first few weeks to change diapers and supplement with formula because I wasn't producing enough milk until six weeks, we've transitioned to just me waking up for feedings.
Fun fact: Males can lactate if they try hard enough! It's easier for females who have been primed with the right hormones through pregnancy, so it makes more sense for the female to nurse the baby. Expressing or pumping milk rather than feeding it to the baby directly means more dishes to wash, but it is a great option for mothers who work outside the home. Also, gestational diabetes makes it more difficult to establish Mom's milk supply. If you're struggling, hang in there and feel free to ask me for tips on how to make more milk. I have a great lactation cookie recipe, among other tips!
While it makes biological sense for the female to take care of children, it doesn't always have to be that way. My mother had two months of maternity leave and went right back to her full-time job while my dad took care of me. I think some females have a chip on their shoulders about childcare after seeing their mothers doing all the work and receiving zero respect for it. However, it is an occupation.
Fortunately, working for a small press means that I set my own hours and have unlimited (though unpaid) maternity leave. I recently committed to another project, though the author understands my situation and knows it may take a very long time to complete the editing.
