Where the Dragons Went

[ImSoAwesome]

I've just started posting my original work and I'd love it if I could get some feedback on it. It's four chapters long so far but I plan to update pretty regularly.

It focuses on a young witch who believes herself to be the chosen one, so she joins a guild of heroes so she can thrust herself in battle after battle to force her powers to awaken. Dark Fantasy. Heavy on themes of racism, destiny, and mental illness.

I hope to see what you all think of it and if you read this far, thank you for reading this. I hope you'll consider my story worth your time. :)

 

[minacia]

It’s really well written and beautiful style! I only glanced at the first chapter and I think I might revisit it when I have more time; it seems like the kind of story I really need to dedicate some time to sit down with.

That said, first impressions are very favorable. I love your first sentence and general writing style.

I think there were some commas and clauses that made me tilt my head a little, but maybe it’s just because I’m a stickler for grammar. I might suggest that you could consider writing the synopsis without too much stylistic flair, mainly because ideally we wouldn’t want the reader stumbling and pausing over whether the usage of all the “why’s” with commas is grammatically correct (particularly without a final “and”). The frequent switching between tenses is also distracting.

I think with synopses, as long as it’s something that compels people to click (without giving readers alarm bells), it’s good enough. Your first sentence is amazing, and I think anyone who clicks into your story can tell you have good style, so I don’t think it’s necessary to advertise your style on the synopsis.

EDIT: It may be a good idea to include a link to your story!

To sort of illustrate an example of a section where the grammar just tripped me enough that I spent more time wondering about the grammar rather than the actual content of the paragraph:

To pay attention to a man like Pontiff Borm required a brain equipped to tolerate ineptitude on a cosmic scale, the big fool reading from the great tome with his thick, grubby sausages for hands. Even though he was clothed in the white and gold robe, denoting his position within the church, his coarse monotonous tone completely unfit for the vigor and passion a pontiff was meant to express. Gospel was supposed to enlighten people, to encourage in them the blessed script of God.

 

[ImSoAwesome]

Oh well thank you for responding! I'll definitely work on the synopsis. I agree with you on it, keeping it simple is likely better altogether since I'm not that good with stylistic synopses, either.

And I have heard from others that I do have a tense issue. And I will try to work on it. I do see now that there are a few unnecessary commas that make the sentences read clunkily.

Thank you so much for reading my story, I really appreciate the help. :)