What promises does this opening make?

[Lufli]

Hello kind people. I've been writing in my free time for a few months, but I'm fairly bad at taking a step back and putting off the glasses of the author while editing.
Accordingly, it really isn't that easy for me to judge how well this opening would work, if published. Note that this is not the whole first chapter.

If you have any additional feedback, please let me know below. I appreaciate it.

Spoiler: Opening

Just a moment ago, Ly stood in the basement of his apartment. Now he hit the cold ground on all fours. When he entered the door then, he felt as if his body was about to shatter, like it was being pulled in all directions at the same time.

His head still throbbed in a fast rhythm.

He clenched his head and tried to open his eyes—an easy action that felt impossible.
One hand clutched his stomach as he tried to force in all the fluids pushing up his throat. The burn announced itself before it arrived and made its way to the ground, shooting his mouth open.

Now that the hands—steadying him before—were gone, Ly collapsed and rolled onto his side.

Instantly, a tearing bolt shredded from his head, through his spine.

Fortunately, he hadn’t eaten much. The fluids slowly stopped flowing... As he felt a touch on his shoulder, his eyelids started pulling from each other.

Subconsciously, Ly gasped for air while trying to collect himself. His hands increasingly loosened their grip.

He felt as if his left hand became lighter, so he pulled it from his head to in front of his eyes... At the same moment, the ring wrapped around his ring finger collapsed from a silver mass to black shrouds, so small, they merged with the gray ground, falling off his finger.

“Fuck teleportation...” Ly muttered, after being able to think again.

Only now could he process his surroundings, such as the big, white-topped mountain in the distance and the setting sun trying to hide behind it. Many pairs of legs, painted crimson by a couple of rays, rose from the ground in front, turning to him just now.

At least, this was what he could distinguish from one third of his field of vision, the other two thirds were filled with a person kneeling just before Ly’s head. Even though he was surprised, his face still didn’t register his thoughts well, maintaining a straight expression.

When the touch on Ly’s shoulder intensified into violent shaking, he could finally move his body and his mouth.

Lifting his gaze to be able to see the face of the person so concerned about a stranger, Ly said, “I’m okay, I’m okay. You can stop now.”

Kell was leaned slightly above Ly, immediately forcing his hand away as the lying man awoke. After Kell rose, he extended his hand down to Ly without saying a word.

Ly, on the other hand, gulped once strongly and only pushed his upper body up, assisting with both elbows on the ground. Although his face stayed straight, Ly was really hesitant in taking the offer of the stranger. After all, people killing each other before even being transmigrated wasn’t such a rarity.

The stranger's eyes were the thing that upset Ly the most. They had that sleepy edge of a mad man. Absolutely stoic on what lay before them. Calm yet unsteady, like a wavering ocean.

“I’m sorry for your ring...” Kell muttered.

Ultimately, Ly took Kell’s hand and rose, too. With a wipe, he removed what was left of the fluids around his mouth. One step to the side was enough to keep distance from his own vomit.

Not exactly the type to be a hero... Still, he helped me!

“Thank you,” Ly said, after tidying his jacket.
Before he could open his mouth, Kell just nodded and walked past him. Initially, Ly planned to ask for his name, but then he remembered the situation he was in.

No time for such trivialities.

The other people surrounding Ly were basically a cross-section of society—black and white, women and men alike, young and old. There were so many people around that Ly instantly gave up on counting.

Most of the ‘participants’ around were just staring at Ly with a neutral expression, as if it were the most normal thing for a door to appear and a man to step through it.

At least act like you’re surprised, dammit. Is the teleportation that well-known?
The one stepping out the most, surrounded by cameras far away next to multiple black vans, was a teenage boy of blue skin. He was human though—mostly. His appearance, apart from his skin color, resembled that of a human boy.

Ly’s observations were cut off by a humming sound that came from behind. A sound so strong, it made the ground beneath shake, forcing Ly to shoot out both arms for balance. The sound of rocks colliding echoed through the alley shortly after.

Of course it must be here... The portal. Ly thought shortly before correcting himself: The train.

With a turn, Ly now faced it. Whatever you wanted to call it, without it, transmigration wouldn’t be possible for anyone. It had the appearance of a steam train; every carriage drawn black with occasional golden filigree. On the first carriage, carrying the smokestack, were some runes engraved in that same golden.

Holy fuck... Ly thought as his jaw dropped. Its look reminded him of the invitation card in the right pocket of his trousers. He got it only tens of minutes ago, being forced to teleport to this place instead of flying...

After Ly checked how the others felt about this ‘pulse’, he pulled out his card and inspected it. Covering it with his hand, he tried to hide it from the others.

He didn’t really have the time to collect information on the “call”.
Even though it hit every third man on earth statistically, many of them were just generations of the same handful bloodlines... If one wasn’t of some ancient bloodline, it was rather unlikely to be “chosen”.

It should’ve been impossible. Was that the reason, Elli?

Ly’s eyes dropped to the ground and for a moment he wasn’t here anymore. He wasn’t standing in front of the train. His body wasn’t hurting.

He sat on the red couch, which was positioned a little bit too close to the TV. A cheap couch he had found as bulky waste on the sidewalk. Still, it had felt unbelievably comfortable as he braided Elli’s hair.

Then he instantly pulled up his gaze as the invitation card burned in his hand. Contrary to the train it was golden with black engravings. It reminded Ly of a credit card, although significantly bigger.

Unexpectedly, he understood every rune engraved into the invitation. “You have been chosen by the witnesses of the primordial world. Departure on December 19th, at noon. Refusal isn’t recommended,” it said.

If I didn’t know this was legit, I hundred percent would’ve thought this was some crazy scam. But the Faceless confirmed it.

At that moment, the crowd behind Ly went loud. In a matter of seconds, the groups that had formed naturally filled the air with whispers.

“That’s him? The Zen?”

“Look at his blue skin, dumbass...”

“Just a mere boy. Cruel witnesses.”

The cameras didn’t follow the teenage boy to this point.

Only half-turned, Ly observed the boy of little height draw all attention to himself, while walking unaltered toward the train. The only thing indicating he was human was his eyelids shutting from time to time.
Suddenly, a striking wind blew against Ly’s face.

The wind—that should have been invisible—was utterly black. Flowing between legs and hips like water, it cut across Ly’s vision before coiling behind him.

After turning quickly, Ly spotted the black wind partly flowing to the smokestack on top of the cab, entering it, partly to the far end of the train a few hundreds of meters away.

The only door leading into the train was on the side of the last carriage—closed until the black wind hushed over it, shrugged animalistically and flowed right through it into the train, as if it weren’t there.

The sun, too, now vanished behind the white-topped mountain in the distance, depriving everything from its blessing of light.

Even in the dark, the train itself radiated light. Its golden filigree was not a dull gold anymore; it shone like neon in the dark, allowing Ly to still distinguish the faces of the people around him.

But he didn’t really have to see their faces to understand what was happening. A commotion cut through the whispers from before. Even though nobody talked anymore, the sound of anxious shifts of posture and the rustling of clothes alone were enough to let birds screech in the far. That is, the few who could ignore the ‘pulse’.

Soon, this nervous commotion became a moving force. Everyone around Ly started walking hastily toward the back end of the train. To the only door, probably.

It’s starting. Ly noted and followed behind the last few participants, matching their pace.
That alone was enough to make his breath quicken uncontrollably. It felt like he was wearing a weighted vest, a collar permanently pulling him towards the ground. Also, with the sun now vanished, the night decided to spread its chilling wind through the landscape.

As his fingers started feeling numb, Ly slid them into his pocket while dragging his body along the side of the train. Still, they didn’t stop shaking. In fact, his hands shook more violently the closer he approached the door of the train.

Scattered around the train before, the crowd now surrounded the last carriage—the vestibule in a half circle. Although Ly stood somewhat apart from the crowd on the back end, he could see the last few steps that led up to the door above the heads of many 'participants'. Expecting the whole black, metallic door to open every moment, the atmosphere was swallowed. Swallowed by a deafening calm.

...wait a minute. Is this train even big enough for everyone? Everyone here should only be one half. I don’t think...

Ly put his index finger to his lips while observing. Before him, people started to shuffle; one moment the last few participants pushed forward and squeezed through the crowd, another they were pushed back again and replaced.

Ly, too, felt the urgency to secure a better position in case the train's capacity was limited, but he simply had no energy left for such an action after teleporting.

Edit: I'm aware it needs some editing, I'll take care of it this weekend.

Edit2: Sorry fellow mobile readers for the few long paragraphs (for WN standards).

 

[Eldoria]

Well, this is my feedback as a casual reader who only reads it once without repeating it. Overall, your chapter is more telling than showing. Is that distracting?

It depends on your goal in narrating this chapter. If you want the reader to experience the emotions alongside the protagonist, then your goal has not been achieved.

Narrative telling is more neutral, positioning the reader as an observer. As a result, when you narrate a dramatic scene, I just nod, "Oh... something like that happened?" — finished, instead, I get goosebumps along with your protagonist. The solution?

Use a limited third-person POV and avoid an omniscient narrator's POV as much as possible. The narrative should only focus on what the protagonist experiences subjectively, rather than describing the entire scene objectively.

For example, when the MC experiences a hangover after teleportation. The narrative should focus on what the protagonist experiences.

You can deepen immersion by showing various sensory variants such as a pale face (visual), physiological states (shaking hands, shortness of breath, and nausea), a numb tongue (taste), and the protagonist's anxiety through an inner voice (inner state).

Second, if you're focusing on a limited third-person perspective, then scene transitions should follow the protagonist's perspective. Show everything the protagonist sees as far as the eye can see. Don't tell objective events.

For example, your narrative mentions that the participants consist of various segments: young and old, dark and light-skinned, male and female. This is the omniscient narrator's voice, not what the MC subjectively sees.

So, instead of telling all the segments of the participants, you could narrate your protagonist looking ahead and seeing a young girl standing nervously at the back of the line. This is the protagonist's limited observation.

Third, spatial distance is blurred because the narrative doesn't provide visual distance. This chapter's scene is very dense because the protagonist is in a crowd. The problem is that your narrative doesn't provide any clues about the protagonist's distance from the crowd, the distance between characters.

You might narrate that the protagonist walks 3 feet behind a nervous girl. This allows the reader to visualize spatial space.

Fourth, regarding character movement, your narrative relies on telling rather than showing the protagonist's movement. If you want to engage the reader in the protagonist's movement, you might consider showing sensory details of the protagonist's movement and the crowd.

For example, with the onomatopoeic sound of footsteps in a crowd, "Dum... dum...", compared to the sound of a crowd whispering. You can narrate these sounds gradually so that the reader can feel how crowded the crowd the protagonist is following.

The protagonist approaches the crowd, the noise becomes increasingly louder. With this narration, the reader feels as if they are walking with the protagonist in the crowd.

Well, maybe that's just a little feedback from me. I hope it helps.

Critical Note:
In general, narrative telling is useful for summarizing scenes, performing timeskips, and avoiding descriptive repetition.

Regarding the scene at the scene, narrative telling is not unimportant. Telling can be powerful if your narrative uses telling to sharpen the emotions experienced by the protagonist. Please read the following thread:

As a reader, which narrative do you prefer in conveying a character's emotions?

Narration of the Direct Emotion vs Subtle Emotion vs Mixed Emotion As a reader, which narrative do you prefer in conveying a character's emotions? Direct emotion, the narrative tells the character's emotional state. Subtle emotion, the narrative shows the character's emotions through body...

forum.scribblehub.com

Edit:
Your chapter is very dense. Readers feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of scenes happening in one chapter.

If you want readers to have some breathing room and feel more immersive, you might consider breaking the narrative into subchapters, such as the post-teleportation incident, the incident in the crowd, and the incident on public transportation.

 

[Lufli]

Well, this is my feedback as a casual reader who only reads it once without repeating it. Overall, your chapter is more telling than showing. Is that distracting?

It depends on your goal in narrating this chapter. If you want the reader to experience the emotions alongside the protagonist, then your goal has not been achieved.

Narrative telling is more neutral, positioning the reader as an observer. As a result, when you narrate a dramatic scene, I just nod, "Oh... something like that happened?" — finished, instead, I get goosebumps along with your protagonist. The solution?

Use a limited third-person POV and avoid an omniscient narrator's POV as much as possible. The narrative should only focus on what the protagonist experiences subjectively, rather than describing the entire scene objectively.

For example, when the MC experiences a hangover after teleportation. The narrative should focus on what the protagonist experiences.

You can deepen immersion by showing various sensory variants such as a pale face (visual), physiological states (shaking hands, shortness of breath, and nausea), a numb tongue (taste), and the protagonist's anxiety through an inner voice (inner state).

Second, if you're focusing on a limited third-person perspective, then scene transitions should follow the protagonist's perspective. Show everything the protagonist sees as far as the eye can see. Don't tell objective events.

For example, your narrative mentions that the participants consist of various segments: young and old, dark and light-skinned, male and female. This is the omniscient narrator's voice, not what the MC subjectively sees.

So, instead of telling all the segments of the participants, you could narrate your protagonist looking ahead and seeing a young girl standing nervously at the back of the line. This is the protagonist's limited observation.

Third, spatial distance is blurred because the narrative doesn't provide visual distance. This chapter's scene is very dense because the protagonist is in a crowd. The problem is that your narrative doesn't provide any clues about the protagonist's distance from the crowd, the distance between characters.

You might narrate that the protagonist walks 3 feet behind a nervous girl. This allows the reader to visualize spatial space.

Fourth, regarding character movement, your narrative relies on telling rather than showing the protagonist's movement. If you want to engage the reader in the protagonist's movement, you might consider showing sensory details of the protagonist's movement and the crowd.

For example, with the onomatopoeic sound of footsteps in a crowd, "Dum... dum...", compared to the sound of a crowd whispering. You can narrate these sounds gradually so that the reader can feel how crowded the crowd the protagonist is following.

The protagonist approaches the crowd, the noise becomes increasingly louder. With this narration, the reader feels as if they are walking with the protagonist in the crowd.

Well, maybe that's just a little feedback from me. I hope it helps.

Critical Note:
In general, narrative telling is useful for summarizing scenes, performing timeskips, and avoiding descriptive repetition.

Regarding the scene at the scene, narrative telling is not unimportant. Telling can be powerful if your narrative uses telling to sharpen the emotions experienced by the protagonist. Please read the following thread:

As a reader, which narrative do you prefer in conveying a character's emotions?

Narration of the Direct Emotion vs Subtle Emotion vs Mixed Emotion As a reader, which narrative do you prefer in conveying a character's emotions? Direct emotion, the narrative tells the character's emotional state. Subtle emotion, the narrative shows the character's emotions through body...

forum.scribblehub.com

Edit:
Your chapter is very dense. Readers feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of scenes happening in one chapter.

If you want readers to have some breathing room and feel more immersive, you might consider breaking the narrative into subchapters, such as the post-teleportation incident, the incident in the crowd, and the incident on public transportation.

Thank you very much for taking the time to write all of this down.

I'll see what I can do about it. I definitely don't want the reader to feel emotionally disconnected from the MC. My approach was that Ly is still disoriented, thus not fully aware of his emotions. Accordingly, I wanted to convey his emotions subtly, but I ended up giving only one beat that shows his anxiety, while he reacted fairly normally the rest of the time.

I'm also conflicted regarding the balance of showing and telling. I see now that there's a lack of immersion because of the many 'telling' parts. My complaint with showing, on the other hand, is that it really slows the pacing. It's a challenge for me to 'show' well, where one singular beat creates a strong vision.

I didn't want to sound ungrateful with that last part. I really appreciate the feedback.
Thank you again!

Edit: Now that I'm reading my response, it sounds like I wouldn't want to edit the chapter. I will.
Even though it's hard to implement good 'showing', I agree that the first chapter should focus on immersion primarily.

 

[Eldoria]

I didn't want to sound ungrateful with that last part. I really appreciate the feedback.
Thank you again!

Edit: Now that I'm reading my response, it sounds like I wouldn't want to edit the chapter. I will.
Even though it's hard to implement good 'showing', I agree that the first chapter should focus on immersion primarily.

Well, my advice might be too idealistic, especially if you're a new writer.

Your chapter is actually quite good if you want to focus on describing it objectively. What's lacking is more in the reader's immersion.

But I just hope you can improve your narrative skills because I see your potential to achieve it.

Of course, it takes time and is often not easy. I've been in your shoes, too, where the narrative leans more toward telling than showing.

Ultimately, it's all about experience. No one is better; we're equal, just differing in experience.

If you need concrete examples of how my advice applies, you can look at my fiction.

For example, this chapter.

I hope this helps. Regards

 

[Lufli]

Thanks a lot for the encouragement. I'll keep working on that balance and check out your work for inspiration.

Regards. :)