What do you guys think?!

BEETLESME

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Demon God can't live a normal life
Prologue
The evening sky turned red.


The sun, which had brightly lit the world, slipped behind the eastern peaks and cast its crimson glow across the sky.


In turn, the world itself was now glowing the appropriate dark crimson color.


Even the vast expanse of land below was tinged with a crimson dye, much like its cosmic counterpart.


A man stood on this crimson earth. The ground he stood on was painted a slightly different shade from the sky above.


He stood completely still on the blood-soaked earth, staring up at the sky above him.


The world called this man "Demon God"


After being reincarnated, for 15 years, the High Demon Lord made his name known throughout the land.


And in the sixteenth year of this reincarnation, he failed to defeat a certain god and died, after which he regressed and became the Great Demon Lord, he had become the common enemy of the entire continent.


In the 19th year, he joined the demon clan and finally became the first outsider in the demon clan's million-year history to ascend to the [demon god]


His name had become a myth, a legend.


Some have called him an extremely murderous demon. Some called him a hero who had conquered his fate.


His origins were humble and his life was equally challenging, but he still overcame the difficulties to achieve the highest status.


Then the demon deity stood alone on the crimson earth, staring tall and proud at the sky above.


While… 'Tall and strong' might not be the best description for his current condition, no, such a description was inappropriate.


At this moment, his whole body exploded as blood gushed from his wounds.


Drops.

Drops-

Drops-


A drop of blood slowly engulfed the sword and impaled the demonic deity's solar plexus.


He stared wordlessly at the sharp

blade as the drop of blood fell.


The name of this weapon was "Azura", a treasure sword passed down from one generation of the demonic clan to another.


Even the demon deity, known for her lack of interest in treasures, had a fair amount of knowledge of this sword.


Which made sense, considering that this sword was the reward he bestowed on his loyal subordinate after he rose to the rank of the clan chief.


The demonic deity calmly looked down on the "sword". The silver blade of the weapon was now dyed red by her blood.


But the closest subordinate that pierced him with the "asura" has already been killed by him through the heart


But why was it put inside him now? For this reason,


After attaining the position of leader of the demon clan, the demon deity proclaimed it to the world.


- I will give my breathing technique, the [Technique of the Monkey King], to anyone who wants to learn it.


All [Fantastia] went into a frenzy following this shocking announcement, unleashing an unprecedented level of chaos across the country.


All the great demons did their best to dissuade their leader, the Ten best guilds, and the six Great Families, four continental clans considered implacable enemies of the demon clan, even sending emissaries to ask him to reconsider his position.


However, the demonic deity ignored them all.


which ultimately led to today's events.


Besides, it wasn't even the only weapon that pierced his body.


The "Abyss" blade that pierced his right back and another belonged to "First Hunter", one of his emigrant friends.


He was also a "Regressor", his sword stabbing his left back, was none other than Davis, the current leader of Clan Central (one of the Continental Clans) and also a former member of the Demonic Clan.


The owner of Twins Illusion, another sword that pierced the demonic deity's upper back, was Jared, the leader of the Immortal Guild.


Meanwhile, the "Deathbringer" blade that impaled the cult leader's dantian belonged to Benimaru, otherwise known as the strongest "player"


The lord of the Eleves, a high elf, a dagger called the "dragon's tooth" was thrust into the demon god's left side.


The Demon Clan, the 10 Guilds and a United Group also known as the 4 Continents Clan, the Six Great Families, the Adventurer Clan, his close friends, the Once Evil Group, [Dark Sky], the four empires, and the blades belonging to this demi-human clan and the beast clan that ruled the world were currently impaling a mannequin of the demon god.


Everyone silently stared at the wretched form of the injured Demon God.


Even a blind man could see the leader of the demon clan teetering dangerously on the brink of life or death.


With twelve weapons impaling him, unsurprisingly, all suffered serious injuries, each severe enough to instantly kill an ordinary man.


With such mortal wounds, what could he do now? Even more so when surrounded by the current [Fantasia] leaders!


And it wasn't just the weapons, he was so badly poisoned that even the outer gods couldn't save him now!


Everyone could see that the demonic deity's fate was already sealed.


However, no one lets down their guard. No, it didn't matter to let their guard down, instead, a tinge of fear crept into their eyes.


"How stubborn, why wouldn't he die...!" The leader of the adventurers' guild loosened a silent grip


Those judged among the strongest of [fantastia] had gathered here today.


These twenty-nine absolute powerhouses are the top in the thirty strongest in [fantasia].


The seventh eight experts had come together to attack a man.


The seventh eight experts had together attacked a man. And now only nine are left standing.


The sixty-two leaders who were down, their fate unknown, while an expert could barely stand on his remaining leg.


Wounded surviving leaders turned to these experts in the field. Each of them was an SSS-ranked fighter from their clan, a giant capable of awakening [Fantasy].


The demonic deity knows that they all knew their combined attack would turn them into a lonely wandering spirits.


But the man before their eyes was not who they thought. Even though the demon deity was once called the hero of mankind.


Who saved the whole planet before joining the demonic clan but why changed so much they thought


The demon deity did not return the sighting of the surviving leaders.


After all, his interests lay elsewhere.


"Are you done grumbling, go ahead and finish the job or I'll die before your weakling can do anything?"


His question sent shivers down the spines of the remaining leaders.


His only opponent was on his last breath.


It wouldn't be strange to see him fall at any moment.


Yet none of these experts dared to attack and get the job done.


No wonder, because the past show was still too fresh in their minds.


The leader of the monster clan had pompously attacked the demon god, but his skull had been blown off with a single blow.


The "player's" greatest reward for impaling the chief with his sword was to have his corpse hacked to pieces to his integrity.


while Benimaru fulfilled his wish to see the mysteries of light and darkness as his torso was cut in half.


Benimuru, who always boasted of being the king of the sword, had finally learned who the real deity was.


Even Jared, the leader of the Guild of Immortals, must sleep forever at dusk.


All of these experts had paid the ultimate price of death just to inflict a few wounds on the Demon God


Understandably, those who remained were reluctant to trade their lives for the mere chance of inflicting further wounds on the demonic deity.


But the demon deity is already dying, with a sad face, he looked up at the sky.


Eden remained beautiful and seemingly close enough to be able to reach out and grab the Milky Way.


However, he had never liked the sight of that twilight sky.


Every time he looked at the hazy sky sparkling with incredibly close stars, the demonic deity couldn't help but remember a certain starless sky.


'Will this be my last again?'


It would probably be the last time he looked up at that night sky.


After all, his body was already at its limit.


It wouldn't have seemed strange for him to die for a second in his current state, but he still went ahead and tamed four SSS+ clan leaders


His movements had caused the impaling weapons to destroy his internal organs.


His senses were dulled as his vision blurred. He had already felt that sensation: it was death.


"So, will this be the end of me again and again?"


He had no answer to this question.


After all, this had also happened in the past.

If I get another chance, then..."


He had been running out of breath all his life.

He had no other goal than to avoid being swallowed by his fate.


And that's why he had tried so hard to survive, he had even dared to march through hell.


"...Then, a normal life like any other..."


The demon deity smiled softly. His eyes slowly closed and would never open again.


Here, on the bloodstained plains, and under the gaze of countless stars carved into the night sky...


The Demon God stood, his eyes closed for the last time.


"...Oh." Each song traveled softly with the suffocating silence that had settled among the stunned and lost tankers and clans leader of the world of [Fantasia]


The demon god is dead.


*************

..........

..........

...


Wee-woo-wee-woo

Ping

Ping

Ping


The hospital's emergency room swung into action as the loud wail of a siren sounded in the background.


Emergency room personnel rushed to a patient being unloaded from an ambulance.


One of the paramedics who brought the patient shouted:


"Victim of a truck accident!"


"Aware?"


“Half coma! Blood pressure, 97 of 65. Heart rate, 120!”


"External bleeding?"


The emergency room doctors around the stretcher checked the patient's status and shouted:


"His blood pressure is too low, there may be internal bleeding! CT, stat!"


These urgent voices rushed, and the roar was eerily similar to screams coming from somewhere far away.


Ping-

Ping-

Ping-


The sounds ringing in his ears forced the young man to slowly open his eyes.


His blurry vision of him saw the rays of light passing by.


Long vertical lights crossed his field of vision.


The young man slowly rolled his eyes to the side.


He saw first a white suit, then a bespectacled man with an urgent expression.


He saw a black-haired woman dressed in a blue shirt and there were metal objects behind her.


All of this was a strange sight to behold. However...


... They were also familiar faces. The man slowly closed his eyes.


"I...I'm back."


This young man, a demon deity, slowly let go of his consciousness.


'I returned.'


A smile was etched on his lips.


"I returned to the modern world".

'
 
D

Deleted member 54065

Guest
Demon God can't live a normal life
Prologue
The evening sky turned red.


The sun, which had brightly lit the world, slipped behind the eastern peaks and cast its crimson glow across the sky.


In turn, the world itself was now glowing the appropriate dark crimson color.


Even the vast expanse of land below was tinged with a crimson dye, much like its cosmic counterpart.


A man stood on this crimson earth. The ground he stood on was painted a slightly different shade from the sky above.


He stood completely still on the blood-soaked earth, staring up at the sky above him.


The world called this man "Demon God"
I'll be honest with you, this part of the prologue is jarring to read. It felt like I'm jumping to the next sentence. The flow of the narrative stops, though the attempt to describe the scenery is there. Perhaps in this part, you should try to make use of other punctuations, like comma (,) and semicolon (;). Learning of when to combine ideas in one sentence should come in handy too.

Second that I noticed is the repetitive/redundant narration.

For example: The evening sky turned red. The sun, which brightly lit the world, slipped behind the peaks and cast its crimson glow across the sky.

For the above example, we (as readers) are already aware that the sky is already red, and the sun is setting. How? You wrote, "The evening sky turned red." So, in order not to become redundant, you can remove the second sentence. The key is to reread your paragraphs. The questions, "Did my first sentence already described what I want? Should I add more to it?" should be answered before adding more sentences that help the main idea of the paragraph.

After being reincarnated, for 15 years, the High Demon Lord made his name known throughout the land.


And in the sixteenth year of this reincarnation, he failed to defeat a certain god and died, after which he regressed and became the Great Demon Lord, he had become the common enemy of the entire continent.


In the 19th year, he joined the demon clan and finally became the first outsider in the demon clan's million-year history to ascend to the [demon god]


His name had become a myth, a legend.


Some have called him an extremely murderous demon. Some called him a hero who had conquered his fate.


His origins were humble and his life was equally challenging, but he still overcame the difficulties to achieve the highest status.


Then the demon deity stood alone on the crimson earth, staring tall and proud at the sky above.


While… 'Tall and strong' might not be the best description for his current condition, no, such a description was inappropriate.


At this moment, his whole body exploded as blood gushed from his wounds.
For this part, I recommend you 'show' instead of 'tell' the scene. Well, I understand that this is a prologue, and you want to immediately give the background of your character. However, this part is really fast-paced, it's uninteresting. You can 'show' about your character through picking some situations in his life, like if you want to portray him as a legend, make some side characters talk about his legendary acts, even in passing.

Drops.

Drops-

Drops-
For this part, are you using onomatopoeia? Well, for me--as I've read and fond of JPN pop literature--this is fine. My only issue is that, that's not really the sound of a dripping water. If you're keen on using that in your story, try to google the sounds of dripping water instead of writing the word 'drop'.

Now, if you aim to write in Western style, it's not really recommended. There are readers who get turned off with authors using such technique, and it will make your novel a 'presumptuous eastern story'. (Ugh, I learned this the hard way >.<)

The Demon Clan, the 10 Guilds and a United Group also known as the 4 Continents Clan, the Six Great Families, the Adventurer Clan, his close friends, the Once Evil Group, [Dark Sky], the four empires, and the blades belonging to this demi-human clan and the beast clan that ruled the world were currently impaling a mannequin of the demon god.
Well, this part is quite confusing for a prologue. You laid out so many terms that it gets confusing to the reader. Probably you should just narrow down your ideas here. Don't spoonfeed the reader; let them think.

For example: The demon clan, the guilds, the other clans and families, his close friends...(you get the idea?)

"How stubborn, why wouldn't he die...!" The leader of the adventurers' guild loosened a silent grip
In this part, mind your punctuations. An ellipsis (...) should not be followed by an exclamation mark, question mark, or any other punctuations except for parenthesis ( ). Also, mind your period (.). Always use one whenever you're ending a sentence in a normal tone.

while Benimaru fulfilled his wish to see the mysteries of light and darkness as his torso was cut in half.
Capitalization too.

Okay, here's the thing. This part of your story used a lot of 'rosy' words to describe a single scene. While it is recommended that you avoid redundancy in your narrative, a direct to the point sentence can cut the rosy words and the word count (which can help you keep your chapter within a reader's tolerable word count, adding to your chance of being read). Nevertheless, while writing 'direct to the point' sentences, the flow of the narrative can be improved by combining related ideas into single sentences.

Don't worry. Starting writers commit these mistakes, so don't get discouraged. You'll surely improve the more you practice (by keeping on writing and developing your writing skills).

Hope this helps.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

CarburetorThompson

Fuel Atomization Enjoyer
Joined
Jan 27, 2022
Messages
1,630
Points
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I’ll be honest with you, when I see the word Demon Lord my mind goes straight to ‘Skip, seen this before.‘ and the only way to get me to give you any chance at all is if you have a picture of a hot anime girl or something. Sorry I don’t make the rules my brain does.
 

BEETLESME

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2022
Messages
72
Points
8
Thanks man ...for ideas
I'll be honest with you, this part of the prologue is jarring to read. It felt like I'm jumping to the next sentence. The flow of the narrative stops, though the attempt to describe the scenery is there. Perhaps in this part, you should try to make use of other punctuations, like comma (,) and semicolon (;). Learning of when to combine ideas in one sentence should come in handy too.

Second that I noticed is the repetitive/redundant narration.

For example: The evening sky turned red. The sun, which brightly lit the world, slipped behind the peaks and cast its crimson glow across the sky.

For the above example, we (as readers) are already aware that the sky is already red, and the sun is setting. How? You wrote, "The evening sky turned red." So, in order not to become redundant, you can remove the second sentence. The key is to reread your paragraphs. The questions, "Did my first sentence already described what I want? Should I add more to it?" should be answered before adding more sentences that help the main idea of the paragraph.


For this part, I recommend you 'show' instead of 'tell' the scene. Well, I understand that this is a prologue, and you want to immediately give the background of your character. However, this part is really fast-paced, it's uninteresting. You can 'show' about your character through picking some situations in his life, like if you want to portray him as a legend, make some side characters talk about his legendary acts, even in passing.


For this part, are you using onomatopoeia? Well, for me--as I've read and fond of JPN pop literature--this is fine. My only issue is that, that's not really the sound of a dripping water. If you're keen on using that in your story, try to google the sounds of dripping water instead of writing the word 'drop'.

Now, if you aim to write in Western style, it's not really recommended. There are readers who get turned off with authors using such technique, and it will make your novel a 'presumptuous eastern story'. (Ugh, I learned this the hard way >.<)


Well, this part is quite confusing for a prologue. You laid out so many terms that it gets confusing to the reader. Probably you should just narrow down your ideas here. Don't spoonfeed the reader; let them think.

For example: The demon clan, the guilds, the other clans and families, his close friends...(you get the idea?)


In this part, mind your punctuations. An ellipsis (...) should not be followed by an exclamation mark, question mark, or any other punctuations except for parenthesis ( ). Also, mind your period (.). Always use one whenever you're ending a sentence in a normal tone.


Capitalization too.

Okay, here's the thing. This part of your story used a lot of 'rosy' words to describe a single scene. While it is recommended that you avoid redundancy in your narrative, a direct to the point sentence can cut the rosy words and the word count (which can help you keep your chapter within a reader's tolerable word count, adding to your chance of being read). Nevertheless, while writing 'direct to the point' sentences, the flow of the narrative can be improve by combining related ideas into single sentences.

Don't worry. Starting writers commit these mistakes, so don't get discouraged. You'll surely improve the more you practice (by keeping on writing and developing your writing skills).

Hope this helps.
 

georgelee5786

I'll never let you down when you're riding with me
Joined
Mar 6, 2022
Messages
4,021
Points
183
It's alright, but I'd recommend using something other than a Demon King. An original diety would be more likely to attract new readers, I think
 

kophzi

Active member
Joined
Aug 18, 2022
Messages
57
Points
33
Change it to big booba demon queen futanari, and you'll probably make it incredibly big...
 
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