Okay, after reading six chapters in one sitting without rereading—purely to measure immersion as a casual reader—I’m fairly confident that your chapters are still trapped in what is commonly known in first-person POV as the
diary syndrome.
What is diary syndrome? It is a way of telling the story by using meta-commentary to explain the plot, characters, and worldbuilding through an “I am” narrator.
This is problematic because the narration creates a “safe distance” between the protagonist and the reader. As a result, the reader is positioned more as a 'mind reader' of the protagonist.
The reader knows what the protagonist thinks and feels. The reader knows what the protagonist experiences. But the reader is not actually 'there', in the fictional world, experiencing the world as the protagonist does. So the tension of the story is not felt or
flat.
The reader knows the protagonist is running from zombies in a parking lot. But the reader cannot feel the tension of that escape.
They cannot smell the stench of the undead corpses. They cannot feel the protagonist’s racing heartbeat.
The reader knows the protagonist survives and later writes about the escape from zombies in black ink on a phone screen. Why?
Because diary-style narration is inherently written 'after' the events have already happened, and diary syndrome generally uses the protagonist as a meta-commentary tool on the plot.
A protagonist who is alive and experiencing tragedy at the scene of the incident would not usually be busy explaining what is going on inside their head.
If you are being chased by zombies, you will only feel adrenaline surging, fear, a sense of threat, even if thoughts arise during the escape, they will be chaotic.
That is why narration with diary syndrome feels distant and detached to readers: the reader’s perception is not inside the event itself. The reader’s perception is filtered through the protagonist’s mind, which is busy explaining what is happening.
So how do you overcome diary syndrome in first-person POV writing?
(1)
Position your protagonist as an active subject who lives in their world. Do not let the protagonist be busy explaining the story; make them 'live through' the story. Turn the protagonist into both the lens and the senses through which the reader experiences the world.
Minimize meta-commentary (internal comments that explain plot, characters, and world).
Make the protagonist a subject who actively responds to the world. Use the five senses + physiological reactions + inner state as responses to external stimuli.
(2)
Treat the world as a living organism, not as a dead object merely observed by the protagonist. For example:
I stood in a dim room. Dust floated in the air. Old clothes were scattered across the floor. A neon lamp glowed faintly overhead.
This kind of narration places the world as a static object. The protagonist observes the world. The world feels static, just a backdrop.
Compare that to:
I twisted the doorknob. A creaking sound rang in my ears. I opened the door. The dim light dulled my vision. I stepped forward. Tap… tap… my footsteps echoed through the room. I stopped in the center. The air felt damp, squeezing my lungs. A rotten stench invaded my nose.
This narration treats the world as a dynamic organism, a living world. The world stimulates the protagonist, and the protagonist responds through their senses. With this kind of living narration, readers can actively perceive the world through the protagonist.
(3)
Make the plot move progressively. Narrate the protagonist as constantly taking action, so the story’s relative time keeps moving forward. As much as possible, minimize using the protagonist’s thoughts to deliver exposition. Use the protagonist’s thoughts to perceive the 'current situation'. In doing so, readers will actively experience the scene as a progressive plot like watching a cinematic action film.
(4)
Minimize filter words that create distance between the protagonist and the reader. Words such as “I felt…,” “I thought…,” “I believed…,” “I said…” are filter words that make readers perceive the protagonist as a character doing action X, instead of experiencing it directly.
Instead of using filter words, hit the reader’s perception directly with what the protagonist experiences through their senses. Make the reader feel the tension immediately. Don’t say:
I saw a zombie running at the end of the street. He was holding a chainsaw.
Instead, strike the reader’s awareness directly with the horror:
From the end of the street, a zombie charged toward me, chainsaw in hand. The rusty metal whirred, hissed, and screamed in my ears.
(5)
Give your narration clear spatial and temporal context. Make the scene concrete, something readers can instantly perceive in 3D.
I ran across the parking lot. A zombie chased me…
is abstract narration. The reader has to work hard to imagine the scene. Where is the protagonist positioned? How far is the zombie? What is the condition of the lot? How large is it? The reader must rely on extra imagination to process the scene.
Compare that to:
I ran across the center of the parking lot. I glanced left. A zombie leapt through the air—then DUM! I reflexively jumped left and fell hard, slamming into the concrete. Pain shot through my bones. I knelt and looked up. A zombie stood hunched over cracked pavement. Light glinted off the silver steel rod in its left hand.
This is concrete narration, allowing readers to visualize the scene in full 3D within their perception.
(6)
Let description follow action. Do not describe things statically. Make description a consequence of action. That way, the pacing remains smooth.
Well, that’s my feedback from me. I hope it helps (or maybe not).
Regards.
Critical Note:
My feedback may be biased. I’m simply offering an honest response as a casual reader.
