Okay, so I'll first talk from a reader's prospective.
The biggest problem about the chapter that I felt was that it made me feel nothing. I understood what was happening but it felt like I was just reading text to understand an incident instead of reading a novel.
The second biggest problem that I felt was that the chapter felt too short and had me left unsatisfied.
Now let's talk about functionality as a story.
The concept of your novel, according to my understanding, is that someone with specific reincarnation fantasies dies an unfortunate sudden death and a god gives him an option to be reincarnated into a world of his choice at his last moments before death.
This concept itself isn't bad, it might be slightly common and used concept but the unique thing about it is that the god gives him choice related to his new world instead of his special powers after reincarnation.
If you develop this better, then it can be unique while still retaining the popular tropes.
But it felt underused in the current chapter. (wasted potential)
Now, I will talk in detail from an author's prospective.
first problem:
-I freaking love aliens and magic.
I’ve always wondered what magic would be like just reading fantasy stories, web novels, and other stuff.
I also really liked the idea of aliens.
I’ve always wondered what aliens would look like.
I mean, there is absolutely no way humans are the only living beings in the universe.
Even someone of pure logic should know that, or else they’re just dumb.
I read the light novel for Konosuba, laughing at the jokes, seeing the magic and how fun it looked, stopping at the train station.
I wonder if isekai is real? Reincarnation definitely is, but would it bring me to another world?
I pondered these questions in my head, not paying attention to my surroundings.-
This sounds so redundant while reading that I don't even know what to say. Most authors will care about redundancy in only two consecutive lines so this is beyond horrible. All sentences begin with 'I'.
Next:
-W-What happened? Is my mind so stimulated that everything looks frozen to me? Am I...really going to die now? I’m only 16. Why did that guy push me?
“I don’t know, don’t ask me.”
At that moment, I heard a voice, an echoing, masculine voice.
W-Who’s that?
“I am me.”
I turned my gaze to the black bird that didn’t look natural, its gaze directed towards me, those glowing yellow eyes piercing into my very being.
What?
“You are going to die, as you can see. You weren’t supposed to die so soon; that is why I am here.”
What are you talking about? Am I just hallucinating? There’s no way a bird is talking to me.-
This description is too weird. It should've been something like:
I turned my gaze towards the direction of this masculine voice and what came into my view was a black bird.
This black bird didn't look natural. It had glowing yellow eyes gazing towards me, and I felt as if those eyes were piercing into my very being.
(It could've been written far better than this but this would be the bare minimum)
The current description needs a lot of work and there are a lot of parts that need work in that single chapter.
Things happened too fast and too weirdly and the flow of writing itself was weird.
Basically, your writing skills need work. I know that you are new and you have a lot of expectations about your first novel, but this could use a lot of work and improve drastically.
I recommend you to first write a chapter and then go read a few chapters of your favorite novel.
Then come back and read your own chapters as a reader and find out the flaws and problems.(it would be easier cuz you just read your favorite novel and your mind has something to compare with)
Your writing skills will improve the more you write so take this into consideration. There are a lot of threads related to writing tips here so you can also read them to get more insight into how to improve your writing.
Conclusion: you can do better so work hard
Side note: Now I know why there are so few people who give reviews. It sucks to criticize someone who is trying and want to know how well they did.
